Maria Niles's blog

Optimism Plus Action Equals Balance

2009-11-20T00:38:15-06:00

Previously I've written about the upside and downside to positive thinking. And while positivity and negativity might be polar opposites, combining optimism with action can lead to finding a balance between the extremes.

Positive thinking presents a conundrum in that it involves first finding a negative and thinking about the negative repeatedly and even in the context of working on convincing ourselves that it is not true doing so can reinforce the negative thought. Negative and positive thinking both contain and element of belief that our thoughts are the truth which is often more about ego than reality.

One way of finding a middle path is to practice being present in the moment rather than judging the past or focusing on predicting the future. And that can be a great path for calming the incessant chatter of our minds. But much as I find meditation incredibly useful, sitting around waiting for life to happen to us and then benignly accepting doesn't sound terribly appealing to me.

If optimism can be defined as a hope for and belief that life and the future can always be good if not better than it is how we can form goals and dreams. Action is how we can then pursue those goals and dreams.

You might believe to be snake oil salespersons those who push the idea that if you just wish hard enough for a pony one will appear in your front yard as if by magic. Yet you would probably admire the little girl who sets up a lemonade stand to raise money so she can save up to pay for riding lessons because she hopes that a pony is somehow in her future and she is putting her optimism into action.

The win in this scenario is not the pony but the action. Her dream might morph but she is working towards it and I believe that if she never sits in a saddle she's better off for having the dream and doing something about it.

Though you might not subscribe to the belief that reality can be shaped by the power of our minds, you can choose to take action. And without discounting the reality of depression and other health issues, we can choose our outlook; we can choose to believe that our lives can continue to improve and make it so.

How do you find a balance between optimism and pessimism? Even if your disposition does not naturally tend towards optimism, do you find taking action helpful?

Related Reading:

Julia Baird at Newsweek: Positively Downbeat

But surely there's a middle way between clueless cheerleaders and grumpy prophets. The Dalai Lama shows you can strive to be content and remain angry about injustice.

Russell Bishop at The Huffington Post: Could You Just Get Over Your Negativity About Positive Focus?

Far from denial or pretense, the consistent theme across these many articles over the past 18 months is one of taking charge and doing what you can to improve your life experience along with your life circumstances. To play off the editor quoted above, there seem to be many puerile comments from the "shoot from the lip" crowd distorting this kind of advice into some kind of namby pamby pabulum about just pretending that things are fine or that things will get better if you just sit around and hope.

Far from it. It takes great courage to face adversity, imagine a better outcome, and then get off your butt and do something about it.

Tim Byrd at Under An Outlaw Moon: Optimism, Action, and How To Be The Neighborhood Pulp Hero

Optimism and action.

That’s the sort of formula I’d like my son to imprint on, more than trite “believe in yourself” homilies or the sort of self restrictions people come up with (“This is how a man acts, a man never does that,” and whatnot). That’s the sort of formula I’d like myself to imprint on, fully, so that I can live it.

Megan Hustad at The Daily Beast: Why Are You So Damn Happy?

Finally I asked Ehrenreich if there might be times when willful, defiant optimism can be a force for good, even for social progress. I tossed out the name Elizabeth Cady Stanton and mumbled something about how the first generation of suffragists didn’t live to see the 19th Amendment. If they’d been pessimists, would they have devoted years of their lives to a seemingly hopeless and thankless cause? Ehrenreich paused for a split second—she collects her thoughts faster than most mortals—then defined what she sees as the critical distinction: “There’s a difference between being willing to take on really difficult things and being overly optimistic. I’ve taken on many things that turned out to be extremely difficult. I didn’t take them on feeling, ‘Oh, I’m going to ace this.’ I took them on thinking I was just going to do my damnedest, whether it was some sort of outdoor adventure or an intellectual task. That’s a very different spirit. It’s not, ‘I’m going to win because I know I’m going to win because I’m wonderful and God loves me so much.’ It’s thinking ‘This is so important, I’m going to die trying.’“

Tina Su at Think Simple Now: How to Motivate Yourself to Massive Action

“It’s the action behind the attraction that makes the wish come true”

Powerful motivation comes in understanding that you can achieve anything you truly desire in your heart. It is the knowledge that you are destined to fulfill your every goal, which drives you to change.

The decision is the first step towards change. Regardless of the decision, every change requires some form of action.

How To Get Me To Unsubscribe

2009-11-14T21:25:24-06:00

I've done some unsubscribing to electronic communications that I consented to when I was trying on identities that I've since let go in an effort to tame my email inbox. Lately however I've begun to hit unsubscribe when the authors of those digital missives begin to annoy me. What does it take to get me to banish someone? Well, let me tell you...

One big no-no in my world is telling me that time is running out. This usually comes in a form like "Hurry up and send me lots of money RIGHT NOW before this once in a lifetime discount offer or life changing program disappears!" By now I know from experience that your "special offer" isn't a one time only deal; if I ignore you you'll be back with some other super-duper different deal. If I don't sign up and you sell out, well then bully for you Why would you care that it's someone other than me in your class, conference, tele-seminar, whatever? You don't actually know me but rather your newsletter software merged my name into your breathless pitch after plucking it from your database that you built by capturing my information when you gave me that free taste you hoped would addict me to your content.

If you are a teacher who offers value then you'll be around and I'll come find you when and if I'm ready. The free stuff gets me to pay attention and put you on my radar. Trying to suck me into a funnel of up-selling serves only to cause me to shut you off and move on.

Trying to make me afraid is another big turn-off. No you don't know the meaning of life. Well, at least not any more than I do. My life will not come to a screeching halt nor be irrevocably lessened if I don't sign up for your 10-part series wherein you reveal the secrets of the universe (except for the ones that are reserved for your ultra-premium-superstar level classes). While I feel confident that I have a handle on the meaning part, like most of us I can always learn better methods and techniques and having wise teachers to guide me or a like-minded group with which to brainstorm and bounce ideas off of is always a great thing. Thus I'm always looking, seeking to learn and interested in finding out about what makes you special and how I might learn from you. I love hearing that stuff. And I am not bothered that you charge money for your thing. I do and I expect you to do so, too.

But, much like the boys who tell you that if you really love them you'll prove it by putting out, you tell me that I will prove my commitment to myself by opening up my wallet to the tune of (fill in some outrageously large sum) like you did when it CHANGED YOUR LIFE! I can love myself, commit to growth and learn for free. If I'm interested in what you are offering, if I think the price is a fair value, if I think I will get something from what you are offering and it fits my budget, then I'll sign up and pay. If I don't I won't. Not hiring an expensive coach (i.e., you) is not what is holding me back and keeping me stuck.

Talk to me, tell me a good story, give me some solid useful information in your newsletter and I'll keep you around. Try to guilt or scare me into giving you lots of money then be gone.

What's your unsubscribe hot button? What makes you quit for good and what keeps you looking forward to the next email or blog post?

Related Reading:

Marilynne Rudick at Writing Matters: Unsubscribe Me! An Indispensible E-mail Management Tool

I appreciate the ease with which most organizations let me unsubscribe. No hard feelings, and I’m open to doing business with you in the future. As for those that made unsubscribing difficult, there’s a lingering bad taste that will make it harder for me to reengage.

While I unsubscribed to lots of lists, I was also surprised by the number of newsletters and e-mails I wanted to continue receiving. Many organizations, I realized, provide useful and timely information that I welcome.

Corey Vilhauer at Black Marks on Wood Pulp: Unsubscribe

Each unsubscribe cuts another tie from the past, until my inbox only represents my current life.

TexasDeb at Austin Agrodolce

After reading a post on a recently discovered website, I was quite chastened by the author delineating that, if she had not visited certain web sites recently, it was chiefly due to her frustration with the agonizingly slow process of waiting for large photos to load, especially when accompanied by little in the way of explanatory or engaging text to keep her occupied while the images arrived.

There are all sorts of NSFW (not suitable for work) warnings to be seen on posts, but I don't recall regularly seeing anything warning dial-up users of an image-weighted post.

I had not only been ignoring the problem I had been oblivious to it. It struck me. How very broadband of me to assume that everybody would be content to wait, textless, while my three photos of a front porch berry arrangement crawled across the wires....

While I knew it would be relatively easy to do so, what I did not anticipate was the rush of lightness and a very distinct feeling of liberation that arrived along with a batch of "you have been unsubscribed" confirmatory emails. The relinquishing of these various daily shared obligations has triggered a sense of deep relief, not loss.

Jennifer Louden at Comfort Queen: Freedom From Self-Improvement: No More Fear-Based Marketing

In the last few months, people at my retreats, new coaching clients, and friends have revealed to me they are in debt because of buying this marketing program or that self-help 20 CD-and-workbook product for the low, low price of $9,000,000.

This makes me cranky and frankly, angry.

Yes, I know, it’s our responsibility to not get snookered by marketing, but I want to call attention to a sneaky trend I see snaring even the brightest and most aware among us (myself included), which is:

Fear-based marketing in the guise of “spiritual marketing” or “authentic marketing” and, even more crazy-making, marketing that suggests you aren’t playing big if you don’t buy a particular program or product.

If you don’t buy, it’s because you don’t believe in yourself.

I call bullshit.

When BlogHer CE Maria Niles isn't busy unsubscribing she can sometimes be found at PopConsumer.

Bright Sided: When Positive Thinking Becomes a Tool of Repression

2009-11-12T23:07:48-06:00

Last week I wrote about looking for silver linings and finding gratitude even when we are feeling less than thankful. But is positive thinking always the right approach? Author Barbara Ehrenreich says no.

Barbara Ehrenreich is perhaps best known for her book Nickle and Dimed where she took several low-paying jobs and reported on the lives of the working poor. She wrote Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America after being treated for breast cancer and finding her anger being dismissed.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

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Although I've not yet read the book and have just read reviews and seen interviews with the author, I think Ehrenreich raises some important points. While positive thinking and optimism can provide for greater happiness and a sense of well-being it can also be a tool for beating yourself up or for ignoring tough realities.

You are not a bad person if you think that something is hard or painful or difficult. You do not bring bad things on yourself if you say truthfully that you're having a bad day rather than cheerily proclaiming everything hunky dory! Problems will happen, you will make mistakes and some days will suck regardless of how perfectly you think good thoughts.

Ehrenreich discusses how bright-sided thinking leads workers to believe that losing their job is somehow their fault or spend time trying to convince themselves that it is a fabulous opportunity to build "brand you" while ignoring the realities of global corporate and political actions that are far beyond the reach of any individual's mind control through happy thoughts.

Some of Ehrenreich's negativity towards positivity might be driven by a type of confirmation bias. Just as the lottery winner who affirmed their win beforehand or the Oprah Show guest who had a picture of the host on her vision board might believe that they bent the universe to their will, going through treatment for cancer might have led her to want to somehow prove that it wasn't her fault she got sick and the outcome of her treatment didn't require perfect positivism.

There is no one right way to react or cope with difficult times and I think whatever approach keeps you sane and strong and gets you through to the other side is a valid choice. Neither swallowing whole or rejecting outright what the gurus are peddling gets you to Nirvana. Taking what works for you and leaving behind what does not is how we get to the truth.

Have you read Bright-Sided? What were your thoughts on the book? How do you strike a balance between positive empowerment and allowing yourself to legitimately wallow in the occasional comfort of a pint of Ben and Jerry's?

Other forms of positive thinking, especially that imposed by employers, are far more damaging to society. Ehrenreich mentions the role of optimistic yes-men in the financial crisis and the Iraq war, but she could have condemned even more strongly the movement that seeks to convince people that losing their jobs is awesome. While looking on the bright side of a layoff may make sense on a personal level, it also discourages any sort of collective action. Ehrenreich writes in her postscript that "positive thinking has been a tool of repression worldwide" and that "the threats we face are real and can be vanquished only by shaking off self-absorption and taking action in the world." The latter seems like the real key point of Bright-Sided — that convincing ourselves that things are already good can keep us from making them better, both for ourselves and for others — and I wish Ehrenreich had made it more forcefully throughout her book, not just in the postscript. It's a message that deserves to be heard.

Nancy Colasurdo, Life Coach at Fox Business: Why Too Much Positive Can Become Negative

Ehrenreich has effectively called us out. She was first motivated to explore the positive thinking movement while going through the ordeal of breast cancer with a three-part harmony of pink ribbons, teddy bears and upbeat chatter. It was enough to send her right over the edge and in search of sane support. In our recent interview, she recalled talking to a career coach when she was in an undercover persona researching another book, Bait and Switch.

“I said, ‘I’m a little concerned about my age as a factor in keeping me from getting jobs,’” Ehrenreich said. “And [the coach] said, ‘Your age is whatever you feel it is.’”

Janice Harayda at One-Minute Book Reviews: 'Smile or Die' - Barbara Ehrenreich's 'Bright-sided'

Ehrenreich found when she was diagnosed with breast cancer that a cult of optimism pervaded articles and books about the disease that made her feel isolated instead of supported....

She also found that “positive thinking” can exact a terrible price in self-blame if a cancer defies treatment. As the oncology nurse Cynthia Rittenberg has written, the pressure to think positively is “an additional burden to an already devastated patient.”...

In a chapter called “God Wants You to Be Rich,” Ehrenreich faults the so-called “prosperity gospel” preached by superstar pastors like Joel Osteen, whose churches offer “services that might, in more generous nations, be provided by the secular welfare state,” such as pre- and after-school programs. Certainly those ministries may foster self-blame. (If God wants you to be rich and you’re not, you don’t have enough faith.) But if the churches that promote the “prosperity gospel” are offering low- or no-cost day care that enables parents to seek prosperity by holding jobs, doesn’t that count for something? You sense that such programs are exactly kind of thing that Ehrenreich might love, if only they weren’t endorsed by pastors who wear too much gel in their mullets.

Jessie Kunhardt at The Huffington Post: Bright-Sided: Smart Analysis Or Missing Something?

Some of us like that kind of constant positivity, some of us don't. We'd like to know how you feel. Do you want to hear the platitudes about difficulties being a blessing? Or does that make you want to deck somebody? What's the best way to approach people in tough situations? And if you've read the book, does Ehrenreich do a good job of convincing you that positivity isn't everything?

Nora Ephron at The Daily Beast: Nora Ephron's Must-Reads

It’s Ehrenreich’s belief that almost everything that’s wrong in this country comes from an addiction to positive thinking. She takes on all the hucksters who travel the country insisting that optimism will cure you, change your life and/or make you rich.

Janet Maslin at The New York Times: Up to Her Neck in Pink Ribbons and Smiley Faces

“Bright-Sided” begins with Ms. Ehrenreich’s highly humanizing chapter about her illness and with her legitimate scorn for “the ultrafeminine theme of the breast cancer marketplace.” (“Certainly men diagnosed with prostate cancer do not receive gifts of Matchbox cars.”) After that it takes a downhill trajectory. The next chapter concerns the cultural validation of “magical thinking,” as in the book “The Secret,” which makes another barn-sized target. What is the real meaning of that book’s assertion that we can attract whatever we want by wishing for it? “Bright-Sided” rightly says that the meaning is twofold: that we are encouraged to override the wishes of anyone else, and that we become failures when the process doesn’t pay off.

Christine Kane: Dark-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Negativity is a Gift

Now, I come from the world of academia. I’m the youngest in a family of philosophers, professors, PhD’s and thinkers. I’ve been told at more than one Thanksgiving dinner that I’m a complete idiot. So by now, I’m so used to the voices of many Ms. Ehrenreichs that it kinda makes me smile. I’m not dismissing the very real anger that she has and that has been expressed all over the media. But I do see it as missing the point. (Plus, it’s much easier to stay angry and stuck, claiming your victim status – than it is to do the work to actually shift your thought patterns. I know this from experience.)

Here’s the thing though.

I also see this kind of thing as a gift. Every time someone “pushes up against you” or your beliefs, it’s a gift. Even cynicism, criticism, and angry siblings can be a gift because they all get you clearer in making a conscious choice of how you want to live. People don’t have to agree with you in order for you to feel okay about your heart, mind and soul.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles keeps it real at PopConsumer

BlogHers Sell Their Stuff and Hit The Road

2009-11-07T22:12:03-06:00

As I've been in the process of moving and putting most of my stuff into storage I've fantasized about getting rid of all my stuff so I could be unbound. It's a tempting idea but, as I thought, it is kind of time consuming and somewhat harder that it seems to execute. And though I like the idea of freedom, life on the road has never called to me. Thus I am all the more impressed by three women who've sold the stuff, hit the road and are blogging their adventures.

First up is Fab Grandma Karen. According to her blog profile:

My husband and I sold our house and all our stuff in 2000, and hit the road in a travel trailer. We worked at campgrounds and resorts from Texas to Pennsylvania for the next 7 years. In 2008, we were hired by the National Park Service to work at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, our dream jobs! When we aren't working, we go sightseeing, look for farm markets and and interesting scenery, and get to know the area we are in.

The joy in Karen's traveling lite life shines through in her blogging and joining her on the road is fabulous vicarious fun. Take this recent bit of advice for driving a particular stretch of highway:

I make this statement because I want to warn other "big-chested" women to make sure they have a very good, very tight, bra before driving across this state on I-20.

Every mile of the way, my ta-ta's were tortured, my mamaries were mangled, my boobies were bruised. There was no way I would have been able to drive, as I spent the entire time with my arms crossed across my chest in an effort to protect the girls. That was an impossible task! ... Get a good bra before you go through Louisiana.

Jane Devin is a more recent convert to the road-tripping life. She hit the road in mid-October, aided by sponsors who are providing technology and wheels, looking for the stories that allow her to tell us the story of her America. Here's a sample from Jane's travels at Finding My America:

For this leg of the journey, GM has lent me a bright yellow Camaro. It’s a car that’s meant to be conspicuous. I pull into parking lots and people start talking to me. I tell them about the car and my journey. A couple of people ask how they can get a job like mine. When I tell them they’d have to quit theirs, leave everything behind, and rely on donations, they stare back at me like I’m a little crazy. It makes me laugh, because it’s the one thing I don’t feel. I have never felt as balanced or as calm as I do now. There’s something soothing about traveling place to place, and meeting with people who have hung welcome signs, that makes me feel at home.

That doesn’t mean there are no problems, only that the problems don’t loom large. It’s been an adjustment trying to write in spaces that aren’t mine. Outside of giving up my much-loved pets, which left me bawling for three days straight, parting with the rituals I’ve had for over twenty years has been the most difficult transition. I’m used to writing in a quiet place with no distractions — where I can get up, pour coffee, walk around, blast music, and take a shower between paragraphs. Now I’m learning to write from any place I can – outdoors, in coffee shops, in kitchens that aren’t my own – with people around, children underfoot, and televisions blaring. My writing has suffered somewhat in the transition, my focus hasn’t as stable as I’d like it to be, but I can feel it starting to come back. I’d like to hang a sign on my blog that says “please be patient – writer is shifting.”

LeahPeah is another blogger who decide to reboot her life and take her blogging on the road. She and Joe have a three-step plan:

1. sell (almost) everything
2. travel
3. meet you

Why almost everything?

Part of us selling almost everything we own before hitting the road, is selecting the precious few things we want to save. Our Prized Possessions. Things with memories and sentimental value. It made us wonder what other people consider their prized possessions and why.

Leah is going to be interviewing people along our route and asking them about their precious items for the Prized Possessions book. Do you want to be included?

We’re asking for submissions. We won’t be able to interview everyone, but we hope to get a well-rounded collection of interviewees. But everyone wins, because what we can’t fit in the book, we’ll try to post here on the blog!

So here's your chance to share part of their journey and dream a bit about where your journey might begin. And who knows? Maybe you'll be inspired to actually hit the road on a journey of your own. If you do just be sure to blog it!

BlogHer CE Maria Niles continues to downsize at PopConsumer.

How to Find the Silver Lining: Living Life as a Thank You

2009-11-05T23:12:09-06:00

I practice gratitude and offer up to the heavens a silent "thank you" when small ordinary miracles appear. But gratitude in the face of the obvious is easy. How do you find the silver lining in the maddening, seemingly nothing but frustrating moments?

Going complaint-free is a good start but moving past merely not complaining and into a space where I am actively appreciative of the hard is harder.

Recently I read an article that flipped a switch and the little light bulb over my head went off.

Caught in a recent downpour, Nina Lesowitz was on the verge of whining. Her clothes were wet. The streets were slick. But then she thought: Hey, at least I'm headed home.

Nina Lesowitz is co-author of a new book titled Living Life as a Thank You: The Transformative Power of Daily Gratitude who discovered the power of finding the "thank you" in situations:

Wrenched by that sense of incompleteness, of what-if and only-when, she had "stress contests" with friends, each trying to outdo the rest in lamenting about spouses, children, work.

It was a kind of addiction, and the cure was astoundingly simple. Lesowitz calls it "saying 'thank you' all day."

I love that idea. Even in the crappiest events some good can often be found. That's not to say that real pain, ongoing difficulty and reality can or should be ignored. But finding that bit of gratitude for a lesson or new perspective or tiny triumph of finding our way home in the midst of the storm.

Part of the power of this practice is, I believe, the immediacy and pro-active nature of it. Rather than waiting until the end of the day to remember things for which to be grateful and writing them down, we can stop for a moment, be present and appreciate where we are right then and there. No waiting necessary.

Do you have a great story of a time where you found a thank you? How do you look for silver linings?

Related Reading:

Anneli Rufus at East Bay Express: Hey, Thanks

Viva Editions: A Perfect Moment: Embrace Gratitude

Just picture a world without grumbling, a world where everyone is happy and grateful for where they are.

Dani at Shine from Yahoo!: Living Life as a Thank You: The Transformative Power of Daily Gratitude

Lee Ann Spillane at Pink Stone Days: What's your silver lining?

Pastor Abel railed. He said that if we were still worrying--worrying about what other people think, worry about our jobs, worrying about things "of the world" then we aren't the transformed faithful God calls us to be. We weren't putting our trust in God first. I get it. Barely. I feel the idea of getting it. I glimpse it--when I roll-over mid-dream and feel God in my mind. It's in there.

It's my silver lining, isn't it? I mean like everyday. No matter what. Period. As my friend likes to say for emphasis.

Helene Taylor at The Modern Woman's Divorce Guide: A Silver Lining in Divorce?

1. Discover strength within you never knew existed

Living With Lindsey: Finding the Silver Lining (literally - click for a picture)

BlogHer CE Maria Niles is looking for the thank you at PopConsumer

Will You Watch "What I Hate About Me?"

2009-10-31T20:59:59-05:00

I read this article about a new show that will debut in January and my head exploded. I was IM'ing with a friend when I read about What I Hate About Me and decided that ranting to her alone was not enough. I had to share this nugget with you, dear BlogHer community and see if I'm over reacting or if a show about self-loathing sounds as loathsome to you as it does to me.

Anthony Crupi at Reuters writes to tell us that "What I Hate..." is taking makeovers to a new level. Don't get me wrong, I often like makeovers and (think) I wouldn't mind having one. A fun and empowering one but this sounds sad and depressing to me:

Hosted by Style personality Lisa Arch ("Clean House"), What I Hate About Me is an unconventional makeover show that challenges women to address the 10 aspects of their lives they dislike the most. Along with the obligatory complaints about cellulite and relationships, the women who appear on the show will aim to get a handle on everything from intra-family dynamics to the way they manage their financial affairs.

After each guest lays bare the things she can't abide in herself, Arch and a rotating panel of experts (including boxer Laila Ali, nutritionist Rachel Beller and radio host Emily Morse) will attempt to devise pragmatic solutions to some of the more vexing problems. Style has ordered 10 one-hour episodes, the first of which debuts at 9 p.m. on January 2.

Oh, where to begin with the problems I have with the description of this show? How about with the title? "Hate" is a really strong word and, like many, I don't love to see it used casually. Even with the promise of a "pragmatic" fix, I really don't enjoy seeing women encouraged to use it on themselves. And then there is those promised solutions. I find it hard to believe that a one-hour television program with dubiously-credentialed experts such as "Style network personality" and the host of American Gladiators and 2nd runner up on Dancing With The Stars behind Joey Fatone could actually help someone who truly hates herself.

I guess what most pushed me over the edge is the depths television network executives seem to be plumbing for ratings. And what about us, the public? Why do we watch? Are we really hoping to witness uplifting, feel-good redemption, is it gleeful schadenfreude or are we that numb to pain that we need ever more desperate displays of humiliation in order to feel a reaction?

I'm not sure what the answer is. Perhaps when it is closer to airing and if I read some positive reviews to change my mind I will check the show out. But as it stands now, I'm really sad to read about this spectacle of "creative self-loathing" and plan to miss it.

How about you? Does What I Hate About Me sound promising to you? What redeeming quality do you spy that I'm missing?

Related Reading:
Krista Riley at Feminist Review: Ten Things I Hate About Me

[Randa] Abdel-Fattah’s second book is Ten Things I Hate About Me. Unlike Amal, Jamilah, the protagonist of this book, works hard to keep her Australian identity separate from her Lebanese-Muslim identity. At school, she is Jamie, and with her bleached hair and coloured contacts–no one knows that she is Arab or Muslim. The novel takes us through the stress and anxiety that Jamilah faces in keeping her culture and religion hidden, and her eventual path towards finding a sense of comfort to be able to express all elements of her identity.

Schmutzie: How To Go From Self-Loathing To A Belief In Limitless Personal Possibility In One Short Essay, Almost

I do not hate myself. If I never changed or grew or became anything new over the many years I hopefully have left in this life, then, yes, I probably wouldn't like myself very much, but unless that miracle of a non-crippling, non-brain-damaging, decades-long coma comes along, that is not going to happen. I am a creative and dynamic human being with a powerful drive to make new things.

"The" Merry at Cranky Fitness: More To Loathe?

Is the object of a reality show watching people express self-loathing on television?

Tracee Sioux at The Girl Revolution: Self-Loathing Sin Bank

The thing is, I don’t loath my self or my body. I wasn’t even aware of how fat I was until I started seeing positive changes in my body. I still dream of myself as thin. I still think of myself as “the thin cute blond” one when I’m with my girlfriends. I have been blind to my own fat. Heck, I’m fairly sure my daughter was blind to my fat. I don’t look in the mirror and hate what I see, because I don’t even see what’s really there – I literally look in the mirror and see myself as I was in college.

Yet, I realize that my daughter can’t determine the difference between how I feel about my body and what I say about my body. To her, she will only internalize that I say I feel fat and that I say I hate my body. She only hears me criticize my looks, my self. And that is what is inevitably effecting how she will see herself for the rest of her life.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles isn't a hater at PopConsumer

Taking Responsibility for Creating Our Lives

2009-10-29T20:02:00-05:00

Between the economy and the recent tragic deaths at a retreat, I've been thinking quite a bit lately about personal responsibility. It is easy and seemingly soothing to blame our problems and difficult circumstances on others or forces beyond our control. But do so means staying stuck and not learning and growing so we can make our lives ultimately better.

One of the difficulties with taking personal responsibility, even for the tough stuff, is walking a line where it doesn't cross over into blaming the victim. In the case of the sweat lodge deaths, some wonder why people didn't just get up and leave if their bodies were telling them that it did not feel right. And while it is important to ask the question and understand the answers it doesn't mean that we just say oh well, it's their own fault that they died because they didn't leave before it was too late.

However, understanding why we don't listen to our instincts, why we make mistakes, why we undertake foolish actions or what it is that we need to learn so we can do better next time, can help us be stronger, more resilient, happier and have a more fulfilling life.

Right now it is easy to blame pretty much every bad thing in life on the recession. Being a helpless victim of the bad economy means we don't have to take any responsibility for problems and difficulties. However, looking critically at our specific circumstances allows us to identify how we might have contributed to losing a job or having too much debt. Now it is entirely possible that someone can do everything right and still have bad things happen. Life is often unfair. But maybe there is something you could have done better or differently or perhaps there is a valuable lesson in hard times that can illuminate what we can do better once we know better.

I personally am finding that owning my actions rather than blaming others for what ails me allows me to feel more firmly in control of creating my life and allowing me to create the life I want rather than reacting and allowing life to happen to me. A few things I've found along the way make this easier to do. First, meditation lets me clear out my thoughts and focus on being in the moment and not obsessing over the past, worrying about the future or railing against those who've done me wrong. Second, atoning for my mistakes (usually by offering up a silent thought or prayer) lets me move past them and into my better self. Third, I forgive others and especially myself. Like many, I am my own worst critic and can be incredibly hard on myself and my biggest psychic bruises are self inflicted. These practices also help me better receive criticism (from others and myself) which is still always hard to hear even when it is constructive.

How do you cast a proactively critical eye on yourself and consciously create your life circumstances? How does it help you grow? What are your best tips for taking personal responsibility without falling into blaming the victim?

Ralph Marston at The Daily Motivator: Chosen Feelings and Negative Assumptions

4PL at Highbrid Nation: Why Is Master P's "No Excuses" on VH1 and not BET?

Premiering last night on VH1 “No Excuses” is a reality show were Percy Miller aka Master P teaches unsuspecting individuals how to overcome the hardships in life through hard work, diligence, and to not make excuses under any circumstance.

Monique at Mo In Oz: No Excuses!

I spent the last hour or so at work today trying to think of good excuses why I shouldn't go to the gym. At the end of the day - I just didn't have one.

Fiscal Geek: Personal Finance Doesn't Absolve Personal Responsibility

I’ve noticed a theme I seem to keep harping on in my latest posts where I keep whining (let’s call it what it is) about various companies or entities. I just want to clear something up right now that I first believe in Personal Responsibility. In my own life my stupid financial mistakes and poor purchasing choices are clearly my own. An outside entity or corporation did not force me to trade in a relatively new car for a brand new truck. The mortgage companies did not hold one of my family members hostage to instigate the purchase of my first home with zero money down. They surely made it easy for me to make those poor decisions by loaning me the money, but the responsibility is mine alone. I don’t want to sound preachy but an important first step in getting your personal financial life in order is understanding that it’s yours to manage. It’s also your mess to clean up.

Sara at On Simplicity: The High Price and Payoff of Personal Responsibility

There’s a ton of buzz around the concept of personal responsibility. Everyone says it’s great, but not everyone actually wants to accept it. It just seems so much easier to blame things on other people. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn’t, but it just feels better to be frustrated at another person, corporate entity, or government branch.

Here’s the catch: easier doesn’t always equate to happier. When you find ways to blame problems on outside agents, you’re saying, “I give up. I have no control over my life. I can be as miserable as others want me to be.” It’s a short-term kind of sulky satisfaction. In the long run, it’s no fun.

BlogHer CE LainaD: Does "The Secret" Really Work - Or Is It Blaming The Victim?

How can you train your mind to be centered on positive thoughts and remain motivated towards a goal when real life keeps moving on? There are things that are out of our control, such as racism, classism, ageism and sexism.

Cyndi at So Much More Than A Mom: Turning It Around With Byron Katie

I’m a fan of her tough-love approach, her belief that no one is a victim unless they choose to be, and her assertion that we can find more happiness in life by questioning our own thoughts and beliefs.

However, her overly-simplistic approach and application of the exact same formula to every single person and every single problem just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve already mentioned how I cannot see how any of her “teachings” (she is not a trained counselor, just a self-help guru) apply to someone who has been diagnosed with a horrible disease.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles creates her life at PopConsumer.

After 3 Sweat Lodge Deaths, Examining the Self-Help Industry

2009-10-24T21:40:13-05:00

At a recent sweat lodge ceremony at a "spiritual warrior" retreat offered by new age guru, James Arthur Ray, a score of people fell ill and were taken to a hospital for treatment and three people have since died.

The deaths of James Shore, Kirby Brown and Liz Neuman have raised many questions about James Arthur Ray's business and spiritual practices as well as self-help/new age movements more broadly.

Ray is probably best known for his appearances in the movie "The Secret" and on The Oprah Winfrey Show. In the aftermath of the sweat lodge deaths, bloggers have called Ray a "fraud," questioned Oprah for helping "legitimize" him and called sweat lodge ceremonies "bull."

Much of the criticism of Ray centers around the price of the retreat (nearly $10,000 dollars), his perceived co-opting of Native American culture and reports from the retreat of how Ray used what some are calling his charismatic leadership:

She also described a game — enacted again at the retreat this month — in which Mr. Ray wears white robes and plays God, ordering some participants to commit mock suicide.

For the “vision quest,” the exercise that required spending 36 hours in the desert without food or water, participants had sleeping bags, but Mr. Ray also offered to sell Peruvian ponchos for $250, Dr. Bunn said. ...

Dr. Bunn’s description of the sweat lodge dovetailed with accounts gathered by Thomas J. McFeeley, a cousin of one of the dead, Ms. Brown, a painter from Westtown, N.Y. Mr. McFeeley said that he and his relatives had spoken to about 10 people who were in the lodge, lightly clothed, and that by all accounts, Mr. Ray had discouraged them from leaving except during brief breaks.

“James Ray stood by the door of the tent and he controlled when those rounds began and ended,” Mr. McFeeley said. “He called for more and hotter rocks that were brought into the tent between the rounds. He instructed people inside that you could not leave during the rounds. If you had to leave, you had to wait until the end of the round.”

Some however have questioned what role personal responsibility played in the tragic events. Suzanne Falter-Barns at Get Known Now Blog asks: "Are You Guru-Dependent?" and BlogHer CE Paula Gregorowicz at her personal blog issues An Open Invitation to the Self-Growth Industry:

The recent sweat lodge deaths at a spiritual warrior retreat led by James Arthur Ray really raise an excellent question. A question that deserves a thoughtful conversation among leaders in the self-development and spiritual leader community. A conversation that doesn’t seem to be happening. That question and its inherent paradox/conundrum as I see it is:

In work designed to push people past their perceived limitations, how does individual participant responsibility get honored without diminishing the value of the leader or defeating the core purpose of the work?

While police investigate the sweat lodge deaths, it might be a good time for us to individually take this as a wake-up call to question, examine and evaluate what we are seeking from personal growth teachers, events and opportunities.

Have you ever participated in a sweat lodge ceremony or other kinds of personal growth retreats? What value did you receive from such activities? How should we evaluate teachers, leaders or gurus and how can we set and enforce personal boundaries?

Related Reading:

Dr. Christine B. Whelan Swans® Song: James Ray Death Lodge: When Will We Learn?

The obvious question is: Why did these men and women stay in such a hostile environment, even as their lungs burned from the heat and they felt themselves slipping into unconsciousness? Why? Because they were brainwashed into believing that those sensations were merely their culturally prescribed limitations, and that they could push on, prove that they were stronger and stick it out.

Indeed, just hours before the deaths, James Ray posted this to Twitter: ”Still in Spiritual Warrior … for anything new to live something first must die. What needs to die in you so that new life can emerge?”

We often think of self-help as harmless and silly, but the charismatic leadership that these gurus wield is a powerful psychological force. Just because a ceremony is New Age or from a native tradition doesn’t mean that it’s benign. As with all powerful experiences, training and supervision is crucial. And when a leader encourages his followers to override their own bodily signals — encourages them to give up their free will — there are terrible consequences.

James Arthur Ray: Regarding the Recent Events in Sedona

I want to use this forum to address the families of those whose lives were lost, James, Kirby and Liz. I have reached out to all of the families personally, but feel the need to say more. I feel your pain. I accept your anger. And I pray for you all to have some measure of peace and comfort. I want you to know that I too want to know what happened that caused this horrible tragedy. My team and I are working with the appropriate authorities and have even hired our own investigators to find out the truth.

NPR Talk Of The Nation: Evaluating Self-Help Organizations' Claims

Three people who attended a sweat lodge ceremony in Ariz. have died. Self-help guru James Arthur Ray, who ran the ceremony, is under investigation. Dr. James Gordon, founder and director for the Center for Mind-Body Medicine, explains how some retreats are regulated.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles also blogs at PopConsumer

Seizing Opportunities for Personal Reinvention

2009-10-22T23:37:06-05:00

One of the simultaneously scary and exciting things about moving and purging is the opportunity it creates for personal reinvention. What can feel like the ground falling away beneath you can actually be space opening up around you for your transformation to take place. While I dream about reinventing my life I'm reading inspiring stories of women who are doing just that.

The New York Times recently shared stories of two famous designing women who each lost her business and are bouncing back fabulously anew. First, Eric Wilson told us about how Sigrid Olsen was coping with "forced retirement" when the restructuring of Liz Claiborne led to the shuttering of her eponymous fashion business. And then Sara Rimer shared stories from Olsen's post-retirement life:

Talk about working at home. Ms. Olsen is living in her gallery here at the Rocky Neck art colony in Gloucester with her husband, Curtis Sanders. Her new gallery and home are merged in the small but airy color-splashed, renovated bungalow that used to be their summer place and is now their year-round residence, and the incubator for Ms. Olsen’s post-Liz Claiborne reinvention of herself as an artist and entrepreneur....

After she lost her job, and her business, she decided it was time for radical change. At 54, she moved into the summer bungalow and began painting ceramics, cards and watercolors, returning to being the artist she was in her 20s, when she was living in a $60-a-month, 600-square-foot cabin with no indoor plumbing in Rockport, Mass. Living in her studio, and working in her home, got Ms. Olsen and Mr. Sanders thinking about selling their 3,600-square-foot house, in Hamilton, Mass., a 20-minute drive away. All that space and luxury — two decks for entertaining, four bedrooms, a separate apartment for visitors — no longer made sense. The taxes alone were about $12,000 a year. Then there was the constant hiring of people to paint the house, mow the lawn, and do repairs....

Continue reading "From the Fast Lane to the Bike Lane"

The second newly re-minted designer is Rachel Ashwell of Shabby Chic fame who is bringing shabby back. Again:

So when Shabby Chic filed for bankruptcy last January after nearly 20 years in business, its creator, Rachel Ashwell, felt both anguish and humiliation, not to mention flat-out exhaustion.

Ms. Ashwell, who had just turned 50 and had already been blown sideways by the recent death of her mother, was soon presiding over the liquidation of 15 stores and the dismissal of her hand-picked teams of upholsterers and sewers, designers and salespeople. Afterward, she imagined she would be taking a well-deserved, if not exactly planned-for, rest. But it was not to be....

And so it was that last month she found herself hurtling between New York, her home in Santa Monica and London, stocking three new stores with the chipped white furniture and blowsy upholstered pieces that had long been her trademark.

"Making Shabby Chic, Again" by Penelope Green

Well-known designers are not the only ones picking themselves up, dusting themselves off and starting all over again. Blogger and writer Jane Devin for example. Jane is spending a year traveling across the United States and blogging stories from the road:

In Davenport, it was writer Jane who listened to a woman named Angie talk about how confused she was by her sister’s recent decision to go on the road in a van and sell her art. Angie told me that hearing the story of my journey made her wonder if she should be more supportive and less skeptical of her sister’s dreams. I encouraged her to do so, because whether a dream lasts for a week or a year – and even when the end is unpredictable – living out one dream allows others to be created. I’m not going to spend my year on the road wondering or worrying what will happen when the last person has been met and the last state visited. I’m determined, instead, to use every day to its fullest potential.

"Avon Ladies, Imperfect Teeth, Rosie, and the Essential Kindness of Women in Iowa" at Finding My America

In a post before before her trip and new blog launched, Jane wrote about a conversation with a friend:

She told me that, despite her fear, she was enrolling in a Masters program for teaching. I told her about my upcoming cross-country journey. We then laughed at ourselves and pumped each other full of warm encouragement. Two forty-something, empty-nest women who were waking up to changed lives and new possibilities. Both of us simultaneously understanding that we needed so much more than memories of motherhood and faded, underpaid careers to get us to the next level of our lives. Both of us a little afraid, but still willing to take risks and dream big.

And that's the most exciting part of reinventing yourself like your own unique version of Madonna - dreaming big. I'm having fun dreaming who I could be untethered and unbound. Even if I don't take off on an awesome adventure like Jane Devin or start a fiery affair with a much younger professional athlete like Madge was rumored to have, I can dream up wild and crazy new directions for my life. And those big dreams contain hints and clues I could use to figure out small concrete steps I could take towards creating a brand new me.

Have you ever shaken your life up and reinvented yourself? I'd love an introduction to the new you!

Related Reading:

Four Stories of Starting Over - The Washington Post

Everyone Thinks You're Nuts

Fairfax resident Helen Chamberland, 61, abandoned the rat-race lifestyle of Los Angeles in 1987 to follow her passion for teaching to Tokyo, where she taught English for three years....

The most difficult part was telling my friends and family. Some thought I was crazy, and others just didn't understand. I also sold everything except some clothes and a few of my favorite books. When I finally quit my job, the reality really hit me. I was going to live in Tokyo, and I had no job and I knew no one there. I was terrified and exhilarated a rated at the same time.

Talani Sanislo at Associated Content: Overnight Personal Reinvention

Reinvention is exciting! It can be as simple as changing your physical look, or as transforming as changing your mind about how you will live life. You can reinvent yourself to be ready to apply for a job in a totally different field by making the choice to continue your education. You can reinvent how you spend your time for different results. You can reinvent how you spend your money which can impact your life in a variety of ways. You don't have to be who you were yesterday. You can reinvent today. And today's choices can reinvent tomorrow.

g.g. Spirit Writes: Reinventing Me

Becoming complacent is never a good thing, even if you feel you are in a good place. That’s what I recently learned. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life but I had grown comfortable, fat and accepting. I believe in Divine intervention. When you become stagnant the universe will give you just the right kick in the ass to get you off the proverbial couch....

I’m reinventing myself as an individual and hope that my husband is taking the opportunity to do the same. We met as teenagers, have known each other for nineteen years and became strangers, to each other and to ourselves. In order to move forward, we each need to learn who we are individually and reintroduce those two people to each other. I’m looking forward to seeing the new me and the new him.

Susan Barrett Price at Mad In Pursuit: Reinventing Myself

Last night I decided that I had reinvented myself three times. “Reinvention” in my case means throwing over a settled life for something completely different. For me, these all fell into the “I’M OUTTA HERE!” category, after an excruciating process of realizing I’d boxed myself in. Like one of those autumn flies who wind up indoors throwing themselves against the window pane, regretting that they’d been tempted by the warmth. Understanding that, come spring, their little carcasses will be swept up off the window sill unless something dramatic doesn’t happen damn quick.

Jean Boggio at Under The Main Sun: Reinventing Myself -- Again. Thanks, Julia Child

Just what is it that I'm doing now? I'm on the brink of writing my next book based on my decision in my mid-sixties to leave my home of thirty years and move to Maine, 500 miles away, buy a big old house on the banks of a small river, start a new job and make new friends. I'm still inventing that phase. I'm also looking at the next phase and preparing for it. I'm expanding my cooking skills with inspiration from Julia Child (no -- I started on this even before I knew there was a movie). I'm looking over possible locations for my next home, reviewing and extending my knowledge of French in order to travel often to France, and planning to go back to teaching on a limited basis once my nursing career draws to a close. My house in Maine is on the market, and I'm learning to knit. I'm attempting to expand my mind by reading more about women's issues, and attending a monthly meeting of older women intent on examining the issues that we face and discussing how we are dealing with them.

Is that enough to keep me out of mischief?

Rachel DeVault guest blogging at Necessity. The Mother of All Reinvention

On a Thursday night a short while ago, Lara stopped by my house to pick up a CD. We chatted for a moment at the door, and she said something that really set my mental wheels turning. “The one thing about moving is that you can sort of re-invent yourself.”

Judi Freedman at A Baby Boomer Woman's Life After 50: Toasting the Year

To Reinvention (Me,me, me, me! I'll be blogging more about my reinvention in the coming year.)

BlogHer CE Maria Niles reinvents her life at PopConsumer

Contemplating The Radical: Could I Give Up (Nearly) Everything I Own?

2009-10-17T16:52:38-05:00

As I prepare to move from my home but not having yet identified my new one, I am seriously contemplating what I will place into storage and what I will let go of rather than pay to house in anticipation of future use and enjoyment. A number of thoughts and factors are guiding my decision making and leading me to possibly a somewhat radical place.

I find myself toying with and returning to the thought of letting it all go. That's right, giving up everything I own save for the stuff I must keep like my computer and other work tools, client files, tax records, important documents, clothing so I don't get arrested for public nudity, etc....

I saw a news piece about things people place into storage units as they lose their homes in the recession. Several of those profiled were paying to store beat up couches, bags of broken and unloved toys, and collections of stuff that had no value to anyone but the individual. A few of the people the reporter talked with admitted that they hadn't thoughtfully considered what they were paying to store or for what purpose. That report has stuck with me as it is easy to spot another person's folly while remaining blind to your own. Ever since I've looked at what I own with a critical eye towards whether or not it is something I should pay to store and maintain especially since I eventually will give it all up one day.

Recently I drove to a house to pick up some moving boxes that were offered on Freecycle. The house they were at was in one of the neighborhoods that had been devastated in the 1991 Oakland firestorm. Many houses had been rebuilt, some were still under construction and, like the mouth of a child awaiting a visit from the tooth fairy, there were gaps where still-empty lots dotted the winding road. The sight got me thinking... what would I mourn if it was lost in a fire? What would make my life difficult if I were to lose it? What would I be able to replace if I had to start over from scratch? I can tell you that virtually everything falls into the third category.

Even my sofa. I love my sofa. It took me nearly my entire adult life to find a sofa I love. I'm apparently like the princess and the pea or Goldilocks and porridge when it comes to sofas. However, I found it. And if I found a sofa I loved once, I could find one again, I'm sure.

Some things though it strikes me that it might make some sense to store. Like my TV. I couldn't sell it for much given how quickly technology upgrades and prices fall. However, it would likely cost me several times over the cost of storage to replace it eventually so on a strict cost-benefit analysis basis, big screen TV gets a passing grade.

Pragmatic ROI considerations aside, there are more spiritual considerations. Like should I even have a big screen TV? Perhaps this is an opportunity to move on to a non-television way of life without the distraction and with the opportunity to focus on writing, reading and other potentially more enriching pursuits. Maybe I can reduce my carbon footprint and tread more lightly on the earth by responsibly recycling or passing things along an not replacing them. A radical de-cluttering might not only be good for the soul but might open up the path for non-stuff kinds of goodness to enter my life.

I suspect though that ultimately this will be a fantasy that should I ever commit to will have to happen down the road. Getting rid of stuff takes time! Time that I don't really have and energy that is flowing towards all the ancillary business of moving. I am certain that I won't stop thinking about this idea, though and if nothing else I believe it is a useful frame through which to evaluate and view everything I hold on to and bring into my life.

Have you ever undertaken a radical de-cluttering. Lost or consciously rid yourself of most of your belongings? If you've put stuff into storage how do you feel about the decision and the value of the price?

Related Reading:

what_ev at 43 Things: Starting over

I want to keep important and sentimental things, but everything else I want to sell, my furniture, my electronics, my movies, books, everything and pack up and just go where ever the wind takes me...

Amanda Wissmann at La Blondie Peruana: Ever Changing!

Well, life is exciting and ever changing! Shaun and I have decided to go ahead and sell everything we own! (aside from a few keepsakes)

Jessica Tata at Apartment Therapy San Francisco: Selling Everything You Own

Her website, goodbye wafflemaker explains her motivation for selling everything in such an interesting way as being "one part stoop sale and one part personal experiment." Her intention is to lighten her load and remove clutter from her life. While we may not take the idea quite so far, we love the idea of letting go of everything unnecessary in order to think and act more clearly. This is an intriguing idea intended to allow Megan to fund her trip to a poverty-stricken community in order to create sustainable living ideas and bolster a community.

AllMyLifeForSale.com

Welcome to Allmylifeforsale, an online project that explored our relationship to the objects around us, their role in the concept of identity, as well as the emerging commercial systems of the Internet. Using the public/commercial space of the online trading community Ebay in conjunction with his online catalogue Allmylifeforsale.com, John Freyer catalogued and sold nearly everything that he owned, from his kitchen cutlery to his personal hygiene products, his Star Wars sheets and finally even the domain name Allmylifeforsale.com itself. (Now owned by the University of Iowa, Museum of Art)

Blunt Money: Everything you need (and want)

The thing is, many of us probably do have everything we need, right now, without even realizing it. It’s coming to that realization (and feeling like we also have everything we want) that can be more difficult. Does it just take age to get to that point, or can we work on acquiring wisdom at a younger age? What makes a person content?

It’s not the amount of stuff. Older folks often end up giving away the majority of their stuff, as they move into assisted living centers or in with family. Or they leave the bulk of their stuff home or give it away to travel around in 200-300 sq ft trailers. Of course, not every older person is perfectly content, but I haven’t ever heard one talking wistfully about wanting the latest gadget. They might go shopping, if they can, but it’s for a pair of shoes that won’t hurt their feet or to get the grandkids a treat.

reanbean at How Do you Do It?: Trying To Curb My Inner Pack Rat

I’ll admit, I’m one of those people who likes to save everything. As and adolescent, I saved every note passed between my BFFs and me in Jr. High and every card I received for my 16th birthday. The outfit I was wearing when my first boyfriend kissed me behind the town pool was saved for years in a box in the attic along with every card, dried flower, and gift he’d ever given me. (We only dated for about six months, but when you’re 12, six months is a lifetime.) These things were so special to me. How could I just toss them into the trash can or the Goodwill bin?

Laura at I'm an organizing junkie: Organizing a move...

Purge before you move

Moving is a great opportunity to see what you own, determine what you would like to take with you and figure out what you can leave behind. Many movers charge by the box. You don’t want to have to pay movers to transport boxes of stuff you never use and don’t need anymore.

Purging Before Moving Will Save You Money and SPACE

Tina at Think Simple Now: Stuff-onomics: Hidden Side of What You Own

After traveling for several months in one bag: two pairs of pants, a few shirts, a jacket, several books, and my iPod (which I used once)…. Coming home to 50 boxes full of Stuff, it felt like my world was once again being weighed down by things I didn’t need. It felt as if the things will consume more of me than I will ever consume of it. Thus, my new project: to simplify my life… starting with Stuff.

Sara at On Simplicity: Oh Crap! I Got Rid of Too Much Stuff!

Spring cleaning should really be classified as a temporary disorder, causing us to do things we would never consider under different circumstances. Overcome by the urge to purge, it’s easy to toss perfectly good items out with the genuine clutter. When you open your closet door and think, “I know I had more than a pair of Pumas and a black blazer at one point; I’ve been robbed!”—that’s probably a sign that you overdid it with the spring cleaning.

It’s definitely happened to me. I was so thrilled to get rid of anything I didn’t absolutely love that I found out after the fact that apparently, I didn’t love any work-appropriate clothes. Oops. Fortunately, it’s easy to fix. Learn from my mistake, and you can recover from overenthusiastic decluttering pretty painlessly....

Finally, don’t panic. Whether it’s your wardrobe, your pantry, or your collection of books, having too little probably isn’t all that urgent. Most “things” are replaceable. Take a step backward and ask yourself whether your overzealous spring cleaning is worth worrying about. (Hint: It’s probably not.) In the end, you can replace what little needs to be replaced and you’ve still come away with a cleaner, more streamlined end result. It’s just not worth overanalyzing for most folks.

Frugal Babe: Getting Rid Of Stuff

Crabby at Cranky Fitness: Getting Rid Of Stuff You Don't Need

BlogHer CE Siel: Radical uncluttering: Getting rid of stuff in search of new adventures

Seek adventure and freedom? Willing to give up everything you own to bring those things in your life? No? Well then you can at least experience those things vicariously via intrepid people who are de-stuff-ing their lives so they can travel light and free in pursuit of new adventures.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles is working on not agonizing and just purging it at PopConsumer.

Opening Up My Personal Time Capsule

2009-10-15T18:04:10-05:00

Like BlogHer CE Zandria, I'm preparing to move. Way back in January I vowed I was on a mission. October is here and I am finally actually moving. Part of my mission involved getting around to unpacking boxes I have moved around the country with me for years. And going through my boxes is like an epic episode of This Is Your Life.

In opening up and going through the boxes I'm finding bits and pieces of my past through many life stages. Without intentionally creating a time capsule, glimpses of the random ephemera of my life feels like I did.

I look different but, hairstyles, fashion and fluctuating weight aside, much the same and always like me. Like many women I look at pictures of my younger self and think "I look hot!" and wonder why I couldn't see it and only heard the voices disparaging my body and could not hear those who celebrated my appearance. I'm especially saddened when I remember the gulf between what I saw in the mirror and what I can now see. I wonder how much I'm still looking in a funhouse mirror.

I see that I've always had an urge to journal but have never been able to maintain a commitment to the practice. I can tell that by the number of journals I've found with only a fraction of the early pages written upon. What I hope is that I've managed to find some peace and optimism that I clearly could not in my angst ridden youth. I had forgotten that at age 12 I was the editor for my school's poetry and art journal. However, I had not forgotten that I wrote some really dark poetry in those days. Still I cringed when I read my "published" works. I discovered that by the time I advanced to college level classes my oeuvre of poetry along with the addition of song lyrics graduated from dark musings on the human condition to sharply bitter musings on ex-boyfriends. Perhaps if I had kept at it I could have given Alanis Morissette a run for her bitter ex-girlfriend crown.

Another important self discovery is that there are certain lessons I still need to learn. Ones that I found (and had forgotten) I have tried (and failed) in the past and are now coming up again. Hopefully I am making progress and there will not be a next time of this kind of discovery.

Not all my discoveries are cringe-worthy, though. I am delighting in finding and reading the postcards friends have sent me from their travels from around the country and the globe. Remember postcards? I also am reminded that I am so fortunate to have been surrounded by the love of friends and family like on my 30th birthday when I came across a large stack of cards full of well wishes from that occasion. On the side of bittersweet, I've found letters from friends who died far too young but whom I'm grateful to be reminded of the fortune of having had their too brief presence in my life.

I could easily go back to school (and as I dig I'm reminded of just how many years I've spent on book learning) for nothing but the cost of time. I have the voluminous binders of information from every class I took in business school. I have all my materials from the aforementioned poetry (and, classmates, I'm so very sorry) class. I have assignments and equipment from when I dipped my toe in the waters of interior design. I might have exorcised most of my political science materials. However I am delighted that I managed to hang on to my "Little Red Schoolhouse" binder from my Ph.D. days.

Although I no longer actively collect things, I have found that I could easily build well-illustrated shrines to Bruce Springsteen and Chihuahuas. Don't judge - we all have our skeleton-filled closets that create our unique charm.

My family history is also illuminated through my excavations. I've found notes from and articles about relatives who've passed on. The Kwanzaa cards remind me that we used to celebrate much more and now has tapered off almost completely. I've discovered keepsakes that remind me of the ambition and success of my sister. I've found evidence of how my family has flown around the country to come spend time with me when I've moved far from home. And I've found markers that remind me of the ways in which my parents have been there to support me, each in their own way, when I've gone through big transitions of life.

Most of all I am loving discovering the different versions of me: shy schoolgirl, book-loving nerd, fledgling political and policy wonk, emerging feminist, punk rocker, entrepreneur, writer, artist, music fanatic, friend, family member, performer, corporate executive, graduate (and graduate, and graduate, and graduate...), dreamer and goal achiever, and ordinary human with troubles, tragedies and triumphs. Hi, Maria, nice to meet you.

Have you ever taken a trip back in time through your life? What did you find? Did anything sadden, surprise or delight you? What would you set aside now for future you to discover and be reminded of?

Related Reading:

BlogHer Member Alea: Making the Most of Junk Mail

I cut pictures from the catalogs and make a collage of the year’s fashions and trends. Each New Year’s Eve we make a mini family time capsule (it is more like our year in review rather than a real time capsule) and I include my collage.

Lipstick Alley: 1970's Time Capsule

Jodi Heckel at The News-Gazette.com: Leal Elementary opens time capsule from 1981

Remember tetherball? The hostage crisis in Iran? Record players? Mimeographs?

C. Beth at The One-Minute Writer: Today's Writing Prompt: Time Capsule

If you were to put together a time capsule, what items would you place in it to memorialize your life thus far?

Eden Kennedy at Fussy: Time Capsule

Hey, kids! Remember when we just had five television channels? And if you were home sick from school and got tired of reading comic books and listening to the radio your only TV choices were As the World Turns, One Life to Live, Mayberry RFD, or, if you were lucky and it was Wednesday, Advanced Sewing. Aw, heck, I'll just take a nap and wait for Match Game to come on at 2:30.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles is wrapping up Operation Prepare to Move at PopConsumer.

Pepsi Apologizes for Amp Energy Drink iPhone App for "Scoring" with Women

2009-10-12T19:58:28-05:00

PepsiCo apologized today for the AMP UP Before You Score iPhone app after Twitter exploded with #PepsiFail hashtagged tweets.

Our app tried 2 show the humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women. We apologize if it’s in bad taste & appreciate your feedback. #pepsifail From Twitter.com/AMPwhatsnext

AMP is a brand of energy drink manufactured by Pepsi and targeted towards young men. Designed by a digital advertising agency working on the brand, the controversial app allows users to sort women by "type" and find information that will help the user "score" with the type of woman he is targeting. For example, for sorority girls there is a listing of the Greek alphabet so that he can read her sweatshirt. The app also allows users to make a list of hook ups and to share details with friends. Yeah, I think I just threw up while writing that. If you're curious about learning more about how the app works, here is a helpful video:

AMP UP Before You Score iPhone app Hortense at Jezebel finds the app a disturbing example of "bro culture:"

Ah, yes. Can't leave out the twins or the women's studies major who really just wants to be swept away by your iPhone seduction skills, bro. It's going to be so easy to score with AMP energy drink on your breath and a list of incredibly generic "types" in your pocket. All you need is a fresh Ed Hardy shirt and a spritz of Axe body spray and you are good to go! Jon Gosselin will even pick you up so you can spend the night spending his children's education fund on cubic zirconia earrings together, bro! Everything's comin' up douchebag! There's a reason why I go after bro culture as often as I do: things like this, which are completely unacceptable and ridiculously offensive. This is a program sponsored by a major corporation that encourages men to look at women as objects to be won, used, and tossed away after a "victory" is obtained, and the more normalized things like this becomes, the worse off we're all going to be.

Adam Ostrow at Mashable points out that:

guy-centric marketing is nothing new for AMP, who often promotes itself through male dominated extreme sports (formerly, it was known as Mountain Dew AMP). The ads are also somewhat reminiscent of AXE, who insinuates in much of their advertising that its products will help you with members of the opposite sex.

The Huffington Post highlights a tweet from Raven Zachary calling Pepsi out:

Dear Pepsico, your iPhone app, AMP UP Before You Score, is offensive and is a great new case study for branded apps gone wrong.

And Twitter user Jim Parsons ponders the conundrum posed by the app coming from a brand owned by a company led by a woman:

Until app removed I'm guessing PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi advising her daughter to avoid boys with iPhones AMP UP Before You Score: Pepsi App Helps Guys Score Chicks, Brag About It (VIDEO)#pepsifail

From a marketing and branding perspective, brands often target narrow segments of consumers and that marketing can be at odds with the campaigns and efforts of other brands in a company's portfolio. There are a huge range of energy drinks on the market and several are targeted towards women. Pepsi has a multitude of brands under their umbrella and all their marketing is not going to hold to a single point of view. This promotion for the AMP energy drink has certainly succeeded in gaining a great deal of attention for the brand and quite possibly the app appeals to their target audience. However it is also possible that the backlash generated by this promotion will lead Pepsi to heed demands to pull the app. What do you think? Is it a fun and harmless promotion that will appeal to those who buy AMP energy drinks? Is it so offensive it should be pulled from the iTunes app store? Do companies have a broader obligation to have a company-wide marketing standard regardless of which audiences individual brands market to?

Related Reading: Jessica at Techno-ly Legal: Too far? AMP Before You Score Pepsi App

The wisest of men would know and realize that no woman is so easily categorized. In fact, men who actually are the "cool guys" don't use applications like these to decode the female gender. They know that common interests mean more than reiterating random facts on Picasso's life found on Wikipedia page.

Chloe Albanesius at App Scout: Sexism? There's an app for that. Simone Grant at Sex Lies & Dating in the City: Too Silly to Get Worked Up Over

But come on, this is an iphone app. There's an app for everything. It was really just a matter of time before someone came out with this. And this happens to be pretty goddamn silly, when you look at it. The only truly remarkable thing here is that this is being sponsered by Pepsi. WTF?

Barbara Nixon at Public Relations Matters: Branding Gone Bad:: #pepsifail

In theory, having an app (not this one) for your brand could be smart, maybe even cool. But when you see what the app does, you may change your mind.... Make up your own mind about the app. But for me, I am disappointed in PepsiCo. I expected better from a company like this.

What do you think?

BlogHer CE Maria Niles blogs about marketing to consumers at Fizz from ConsumerPop.

Lessons Don't Always Show Up In The Way We Expect

2009-10-10T17:31:25-05:00

When I created a vision board early this year I put on it a quality I wanted to learn how to live: fearlessness. I wanted to really live a life in love and not fear. Last night I had a bit of an epiphany in that I realized that the best way to learn how to to be fearless is to be confronted with scary situations and deal with them without fear. Because if everything is sweetness and light you wouldn't really be practicing or experience fearlessness.

Deep sigh.

I asked for the lesson but I don't get to control how it shows up. And I realized that the lesson I asked to learn has been showing up for a year or more. I'll spare you the gory details but there's been a lot of hard, difficult and frightening stuff and situations I've experienced. But what I also realized that I've dealt with them not completely without fear but with a lot more love and faith than I might have in the past. Older and wiser indeed has its benefits.

Twyla Tharp in her book The Creative Habit reminds us of the story of Daniel and Mr. Miyagi in the movie The Karate Kid. Daniel asks Mr. Miyagi to teach him karate and instead the teacher has the student wax on, wax off and undertake other mundane chores. Although Daniel didn't understand at first, he later learned that through these chores he was in fact learning the fundamental moves of karate even if the lesson didn't show up the way he expected.

Often when we are in the thick of things we don't realize that we are in practice and learning the lesson we asked to learn. Johnny Truant posting at Naomi Dunford's blog Itty Biz also recounts an aspiring martial arts student story as well as his own and how it illustrates really learning the lesson of motivation. His take is that he truly learned motivation when he needed to, when he had to. And that lesson showed up through painful and difficult life circumstances. He challenges readers to question if they are really motivated and if not how they might look at their lives and learn the lesson.

Lessons don't have to be painful but they can be difficult to recognize. Like Daniel, we often have ideas of how we are going to learn something, who the teach will be, what the lesson plan will look like and then when the exact fantasy we have in our head doesn't play out we potentially lose some of the ability to learn the lesson. By looking at the circumstances in our lives, the tasks we are asked to perform, the actions we undertake and the people who show up in our lives as opening the door to learning and being present to teach us, we can learn the lessons we are meant to a little easier and faster and possibly not be forced to repeat them.

Have you learned a lesson in an unexpected way? What did it teach you and have you learned how to better recognize educational opportunities in your life?

Related Reading:

Gina Spadafori at Pet Connection: Learning to live: Lessons from the dying

My dying father taught me about facing death with courage and peace. My dying dog is teaching me to face life with all the joy we can find because our time is always short, no matter how much of it we have.

More than anything, I am realizing that when you stop learning, you stop living. Fortunately, we are all surrounded by the finest of teachers, two- and four-legged both.

Cherrie Carter-Scott at Jef Menguin.com: Ten Rules for Being a Human

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

Liz at Inventing My Life: The Fearless Factor

My Inner French Girl: Today I will be fearless

Free and Flawed: If I Were Fearless...

Tina at Think Simple Now: Surrender to Pain

It’s true, hindsight really is 20-20. We can’t change the past, but we can choose to extract the lessons learned and move on with dignity and hope for the future.

Here are some things I’ve realized and learned:

All challenges are there to teach us a lesson. But we are conditioned to treat challenge as a bad thing. Challenge is our friend, embrace it!

BlogHer CE Maria Niles enjoys learning life lessons at PopConsumer

Step-By-Step to a New Habit

2009-10-08T17:52:33-05:00

“Put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking out the door.”

I love that you can find essential truth from a Rankin-Bass stop motion animation classic. How do we learn to do anything, how do we make progress towards achieving our goals and how do we create new, positive habits? We go forward step-by-step.

Magpie Girl is planning to go a year without purchasing clothing and inviting readers to join her. I’ve gone a bit over a year now without purchasing any new clothing but I did not do it intentionally. What I did do intentionally was decide to purge my closet of clothes that no longer fit my figure or style. I hung everything backwards and went from there. One by one I turned hangers around or either donated or tossed items. And I found that I didn’t really need anything new. I already had something for every occasion this past year. And by that methodical process of evaluating each piece of clothing to see whether it should remain on a hanger and facing right-side around I created a new habit of only buying clothes when I really need to.

I think had I set out to intentionally not shop for a year it would have been far more difficult to reach the goal. But doing it intentionally might have not only taught me more but also created more new habits. Committing to a year of altering your behavior is big and serves a purpose beyond just changing a habit. But there are smaller commitments you can make in order to create new habits.

Popular wisdom tells us that it takes 21 days to create a new habit. Some teachers prefer the round number of 30 for number of days to challenge us to act differently. Some paradigms urge us to focus on whatever micro unit of time we can handle be that a day, an hour or just the moment we are in, lather-rinse-repeat until the new behavior becomes just what we do.

Regardless of what time frame you feel you can comfortably commit to, the paradigm for shifting remains the same:

1. Pick a habit or behavior to change and set a time period in which to break your old habit and create a new one
2. Start to make the change
3. Repeat daily (or what ever measure of time is appropriate)
4. If you fall off your change wagon forgive yourself and get back on
5. At the end of the challenge period evaluate your results. If you didn’t get to the desired new habit assess whether or not you need to make adjustments to your goal or steps or if you need to do another round of steps.

Not every goal of reaching a new habit will be something you can achieve just by doing something different for 30 days. You might only make a partial change or you might gain insight into your behavior or habit that will allow you either to refine your approach or determine where you need help. But, at a minimum, in many cases, raising your consciousness and awareness is likely a good outcome and worthy of your time commitment.

Have you taken a challenge to change your behavior? How long did it last? How did it work? What did you learn? And, did you create a new habit? Share in the comments and teach it, sister!

BlogHer CE Maria Niles goes step-by-step (and also randomly) at her blog PopConsumer.

Related Reading:

Elisa Camahort Page: 30 days to go from vegetarian to vegan

BlogHer Member IAAdmin: Can you create a New Habit in 30 days?

BlogHer CE Kalyn Denny: Can 90 Salads in 90 Days Inspire You to Eat More Greens?

BlogHer CE Virginia DeBolt: Replace Bad Blogging Habits

BlogHer Forum: Better Blogging Challenges

BlogHer Member Org Junkie: The 30 Day Shred (otherwise known as the blog bandwagon I jumped on)

Megan Smith at Megan's Minute: 31DBBB: The Elevator Pitch, The List Post & Will Ferrell

Give Yourself Permission to be Imperfect

2009-09-26T21:38:51-05:00

I am in the process of writing two books and developing some products for my business. One of the biggest stumbling blocks in these processes is getting going. Like any good perfectionist I can easily get stuck in a state of analysis paralysis, searching for all the right information and everything I could possibly need before taking step one.

Until I read a great blog post that was exactly what I needed to give me kick in the pants and get me going. The information wasn't new but the combination of talking about my issues and reading it at a great time did the trick. Even though Jennifer Loudon at Comfort Queen wrote Why Hildegard of Bingen Didn't Have a Niche several months ago, I just discovered it. I still don't quite understand who Hildegard of Bingen was and why she teaches this important lesson but this part of Jennifer's post hit home:

The myth part? That’s focus as savior as in

When I get focused and know my niche, then I will feel confident, believe in my work/self/creativity and I will never rarely doubt myself or get sidetracked or waste days searching Etsy for the perfect throw pillows again.

This is a myth.

It goes hand in hand with the myth that you have to do one thing to be successful....

Pick one thing - not because that’s what focus requires but because you have to start somewhere. You can add more things in soon. Pinkie swear.

Slow down and consider what you do know – most of us discount our talents and knowledge; they becomes invisible to us but they are gold to others.

Teach people from what you know rather than thinking you have to go learn more first. Are you talking to me?

Now for a marketer like me the idea that you don't have to have a defined niche is a kind of heresy. It sounds like it veers dangerously close to the opposite extreme summed up in the saying: "If you try to be everything to everyone you won't be anything to anyone." Or something like that. Focus is what allows you to connect with those who want to know you and hear from you. Focus is the key to success!

Or so I thought until I read Jennifer's post giving me permission not to have to tightly define myself in my personal life and in how I express my talents. It might be true for marketing but, hey, I can cut myself some slack. Especially when giving myself that permission to be a little bit messy, a little bit unfocused and a whole lot glorious in following and expressing and sharing my unique crazy mixed-up diverse interests frees me up to be so much better than does waiting for perfection.

And so I give myself permission to be multi-faceted, to not apply the rules I would to a brand to myself (though I'm open to someone outside of me helping with that), to maybe stumble and fail or maybe to be great and awesome and to help others by teaching in my messy imperfection far more than I could wrapped up in a cocoon anticipating the perfect timing to spread my wings.

Is there something you need to give yourself permission to do or feel? Or, if you have done so in the past, how did you give yourself permission and what were the benefits?

Related Reading:

BlogHer CE Rachelle Mee-Chapman: Soulcare: What Gift Will You Give Yourself?

Ronnie Ann at Work Coach Cafe: Why Do I Get Nervous During a Job Interview?

If nothing else works: Give yourself permission to fail. That’s right…tell yourself it’s ok if you answer every single question completely wrong and come out looking like a complete idiot. You might also tell yourself this is just practice and it doesn’t really matter to help ease some of the tension. Then just say “what the hell”, be yourself, and go for it!

Rosemary Wahtola Trommer at Parenting Squad: How To Write Your Child A Song

How to “Find” Your Child’s Song

I suppose I am at an advantage for “finding” a song. I’m a poet and singer, and though I seldom write songs, it’s not much of a stretch for me, either. So putting on my creative writing instructor hat, here are some ideas for you to create a song for your child.

1) Give yourself permission to create something imperfect. You’re not trying to win an award here, you just want to do something personal. Whatever you come up with will be right.

BlogHer Member Danielle LaPorte: how to be depressed

1. Give yourself full permission to be pathetic for a short period of time.
In fact, relish the pathetic-ness. Enthusiastically wallow in self pity. If people let themselves have downer days more often, there might be fewer heart attacks and road rage. Being a total loser for a morning or a weekend isn't the slippery slope to despair. It's a direct route to what your emotions are trying to tell you...feel, heal, know thyself. And move on, more empowered than before.

Jen at Perfect in our Imperfections: "The Biggest Loser" season premiere review: Second chances

The message this time was clear: Don't keep punishing yourself for other people's problems or tragedies. Give yourself permission to move on and live your life.

Paula Gregorowicz at Submit Your Article: Give Yourself Permission

Whatever it is - give yourself permission to just do it. I guarantee you'll feel glad you did. Remember regrets are more about what we don't do than what we do do. So give yourself permission to take back the reigns of your own choices.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles gives herself permission to blog about many topics at PopConsumer