Maria Niles's blog http://www.blogher.com/blog/18/atom/feed 2009-05-16T20:04:23-05:00 How To Have an Awesome Roommate Experience at BlogHer http://www.blogher.com/how-have-awesome-roommate-experience-blogher 2009-07-04T23:41:35-05:00 2009-07-04T23:41:35-05:00 Maria Niles As this year's BlogHer annual conference approaches, many conference goers have found or are still looking for roommates. (If you are looking check the room share forum) Every year after the conference, blogs abound with tales of new friendships formed through the serendipity of room sharing.

]]> As this year's BlogHer annual conference approaches, many conference goers have found or are still looking for roommates. (If you are looking check the room share forum) Every year after the conference, blogs abound with tales of new friendships formed through the serendipity of room sharing.

In my last post I focused on sharing your home with a guest. Sharing a room with someone you know only online, however, can be either be its own unique potential minefield or a wonderful opportunity. There are a few simple steps you can take to help ensure your experience is the latter not the former.

1. TV or no TV?

I fall asleep to the TV at home. Bad habit, I know, but it's mine. I do not turn on the TV without asking my roommate what her preferences are. Thank goodness for DVRs and the decline in quality television because now there is nothing I feel like I'm missing. And though it makes it tougher for me to fall asleep or if the hotel TV doesn't have a sleep timer, I can eventually lull myself to sleep. And it certainly helps if you are completely exhausted in a totally good way like I am at BlogHer.

This also applies to things like lights, music and talking which brings me to my next tip...

2. Calling home.

As I have no spouse to call this is not an issue for me. However, I don't particularly enjoy listening to one side of an hour-long intimate conversation my roommate is having with her husband. It helps if you have a balcony or separate suite space in which to have your conversation but, if not, it is considerate to your roommate to try and have your long schmoopy talk or intense discussion of the kids and goings on back home sometime other than while sitting right next to your roommate.

3. Falling asleep.

I am a total princess with a pea problem. I have difficulty sleeping in a bed that is not mine. Add in a fun but tiring, intense conference schedule, the nighttime party circuit, having a few drinks, being in a different time zone, waking and going to sleep on a different schedule - suffice it to say it can be more than a bit difficult falling asleep and staying asleep. Bring an eye mask, ear plugs, noise canceling headphones or whatever sleep aids you find helpful. If you take Ambien or other drugs to help you sleep, consider giving your roommate a heads up as there are potential issues with sleepwalking and other odd behavior.

4. Bathroom time.

How long I need in the shower varies greatly depending on whether or not I am washing my hair. I have a lot of hair. So I try to coordinate with my roommate timing based on how much time we each need in the morning. Perhaps one of you can shower at night and one in the morning. And, if you'll need extra towels give housekeeping a heads up well in advance so you don't find you've run out when you are stepping out of the shower.

5. Timing of in-room activities.

Will you need some quiet, quality time to write a blog post and plan on doing it in your room? Know that you'll need some nap time during the conference? Don't assume your roommate will be so absorbed in the conference that you'll have the room to yourself when you need downtime.

6. Money, money, money.

Clearly understand the payment policies of the hotel. Will they require everyone to put their name on the room and offer up a credit card or can one person cover everyone? Will you tip the housekeepers? How much? Who will leave it? Will you leave it daily or at the end of the stay? Will you both be there at checkout to review the bill for errors? I remember vividly the long line at check-out two years ago when many of us were asking to have bills split and applied to separate cards. And Dana has a story from last year about not being able to check in because of the hotel's credit card policies:

Once I got to the hotel, I tried to check-in but didn’t realize the intricacies of hotel check-in procedures.

Turns out, I need a credit card with a huge limit in order to stay at the fancy Starwood hotel. For security reasons, we keep our credit limits low ($500 max) to avoid huge losses in the event our cards are stolen, so I wasn’t able to get my room keys. I tried to use my debit card to pay for the room in full, but apparently the Westin doesn’t accept payment in full until check-out (which is very, very strange) and instead they asked me for a cash deposit for the room cost plus $200 for incidentals.

Unfortunately, I don’t carry $800 in cash because my greatest fear is being mugged. So, I had to sit in the lobby for nearly two hours until my amazing roommate got to the hotel. She was able to use her American Express card to get us checked in.

What are your tips for ensuring an awesome BlogHer roommate experience?

Related Reading:

Deb (from Deb on the Rocks) has your July horoscope including special BlogHer conference predictions:

This month we have two, two, two eclipses to keep our inner life on fire as Sister Moon eclipses twice this month which puts tons of focus on the tides of our emotions. And ON THE EVE OF BLOGHER the Sun eclipses in Cancer on the 22nd. It's expected to last 7 minutes, and we aren't going to have another one of this magnitude for over 100 years--and it coincides with a New Moon. The powerful eclipse in Cancer might mean a shakedown in insecurities , and a nudge (or shove!) to let go of old of the shell of protection we have outgrown and prepare to challenge ourselves stretch. Yikes! I think the Sheraton in Chicago will be Buzzing like a cheap hotel bed full of a roll of quarters!

Brenda Lou commenting at Unclutterer has this ingenious room sharing tip:

On a recent business trip, in order to keep travel costs down for the organization, I shared a room with one of my colleagues. She set up her laptop at the desk so I pulled out the ironing board put it at the end of the bed and adjusted the height so I could comfortable sit on the bed and work on my laptop. It was pretty comfy so next time when I’m traveling alone I may still use that set-up. (Plus, it’s a better location to see the TV so I can watch CNN while working.)

Sophie at Associated Content: Correct Etiquette for Sharing a Hotel Room with a Friend:

It does not matter how long you have known your friend, you will still learn a great deal more about them once you have shared a hotel room with them. Some of the discoveries you make may not be pleasant. But if you are both careful in the way you treat one another, you will be able to preserve your friendship.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles will always happily share a virtual room with you at PopConsumer.

]]> How to graciously share space with other people http://www.blogher.com/how-graciously-share-space-other-people 2009-07-02T23:17:38-05:00 2009-07-03T14:06:53-05:00 Maria Niles Unless you’re Thurston Howell III — with acres of spare rooms and 27 in help — houseguests are the pits. ~ Philip Galanes

This bit of advice from The New York Times Social Q's column made me sad.

]]> Unless you’re Thurston Howell III — with acres of spare rooms and 27 in help — houseguests are the pits. ~ Philip Galanes

This bit of advice from The New York Times Social Q's column made me sad.

The snappy retort came in response to a woman who was unsure how to respond when she noticed a dear friend of 30 years give a thumbs up sign expressing her relief that that the woman was leaving after a two day visit as a house guest. In his answer, Galanes seems to suggest that hosting guests in your home is an unpleasant social duty and that the hurt woman should call her friend and apologize for the strain her flying across country to attend the party she was invited to caused and preemptively acknowledge that house guests suck so as to avoid having her feelings hurt again by the truth.

But I wonder if this is really the truth. Is there no way we can be gracious hosts or guests and enjoy overnight visits in our homes? And what about being a roommate which is an option people are increasingly turning to in this economy? Or sharing a hotel room with a co-worker or blog buddy you've never met in real life at BlogHer in a few weeks?

I believe each of these situations can be handled without tears, bloodshed or loss of friendship. The keys are not to make assumptions and to clearly communicate expectations.

I enjoy having house guests. But there is a big caveat in there. That is, if they do not treat my home like a hotel. My expectation is that when someone comes to visit and stay with me they are coming to see me not to use my place as a Bed and Breakfast while they vacation and visit with the people they really want to see. I am not someone who wants my guests to go off and be independent as many good guest guidelines suggest. I do not care if they bring me a gift, offer to pay for groceries or send a thank you note. If we go out to dinner and my guests offer to pick up the tab one night, fabulous. What I ask is that if I've prepared my home to receive you in comfort (and I will) and I've cleared my schedule to spend time with you (and I will) that you not drop your bags off and immediately head out or drop your towels in the bathroom and leave them there under the erroneous assumption that I provide maid service (both of which guests of mine have done).

However, I've been a guest with hosts who don't share my interest in spending all our quality time together. One time my hosts were preparing for our evening out though I did not realize it was their evening out and their plans did not include me. Because I would never leave a guest to fend for themselves the thought never occurred to me and it also never occurred to them that I would think I would be joining them. This was a failure of assumptions and communication of expectations on both our parts.

I've learned since to ask and be clear on what guests have in mind when they ask if they can stay with me. I also rarely accept offers to stay with friends because of the potential minefield but have learned valuable lessons for those circumstances when home is preferable to a hotel or I am in need of a guest bed or couch.

What are your tips for being either a gracious guest, host or roommate?

Related Reading:

Some may be iffy about human house guests but bloggers love blogging about the non-human kind:

Like cats and dogs and dogs and dogs and kittens and toads and frogs and mice and tortoises and turtles and ducks.

Tara (Tiger) Brown: Manners #1: Be a good houseguest and host

The first on my list is overnight guests. There are some key elements to being a good guest and there are definitely some key elements to being a guest that never gets invited back. On the flip side, I am also attempting to be a better host, so I am exploring what I can do better to have a pleasant experience with house guests as opposed to counting down the minutes until they depart.

Astrid at BellyBelly forums: House guests contributing?

Been wondering this as we will be having friends stay with us for about a week. Whilst we are more than happy to carry all the financial load of having someone stay for a couple of days, we really cannot afford to carry a family of 3 for a whole week. So I was wondering what is normal practice in this type of situation?

Do you ask the guests for money? Do you ask them to buy certain foods? Do they just have to supply and cook a couple of meals? Or is it that we just have to cop it for the week? If they should contribute, then how do we broach the question? BTW they are the ones who have asked to stay.

Christina Gleason at Type-A Mom: Teach Your Child to Be a Good House Guest

Cathy at A Life Less Sweet: Being a good guest when eating healthier

Emily at Joyful Abode: Getting Ready for a Guest, or How I Pulled a Guest Room Out of My Bum and Making your Guest's Stay More comfortable (I hope!): Finishing Touches

BlogHer CE Pam Mandel: How to Be a Good House Guest

Matt Villano at The New York Times: Saving by Sharing a Room

In addition, having professional acquaintances room together can help build relationships that exist beyond the workplace.

Such was the case for Michelle Reeves, an executive at Aramis and Designer Fragrances, a division of Estée Lauder. Ms. Reeves recounted her first experience with a work roommate, during which she and a total stranger, who were preparing for a meeting, got so overheated while drying their hair that to cool off they had to continue getting ready in various states of undress.

As Ms. Reeves wrote in an e-mail message, “We quickly got over our modesty and became fast friends.”

BlogHer CE Maria Niles works on her gracious hosting skills at PopConsumer.

]]> The Bacon Test and Other Lessons For Living Today http://www.blogher.com/bacon-test-and-other-lessons-living-today 2009-06-28T00:19:01-05:00 2009-06-28T12:00:11-05:00 Maria Niles I was introduced to Jamie Dyer Dordek after her death by Huffington Post blogger, Eli Davidson who also learned of Jaimie's vibrant life after she died. Eli Davidson shared lessons she learned from Jamie who, by all accounts, lived an incredibly full life.

]]> I was introduced to Jamie Dyer Dordek after her death by Huffington Post blogger, Eli Davidson who also learned of Jaimie's vibrant life after she died. Eli Davidson shared lessons she learned from Jamie who, by all accounts, lived an incredibly full life.

Jaime was not a spiritual guru who left a legacy of books and teachings. She was a blogger (sharing love letters and passing notes with her best friend Marc) like you and me except:

Jaime was a blaze of florescent colors until she stepped off a curb and sprained her ankle. The blood clot from that minor accident traveled to her brain and killed her.

Jamie Dyer Dordek was 32.

The lessons Eli learned from Jaime all involve love, kindness, friendship and joy. Here is just one:

3) WWBD?
"Life goes better with...bacon!" was Jamie's motto. Having grown up on a farm in Kansas I know what a pigpen smells like. I don't get near things pig related. Not so for our Jamie. She surrounded herself with all things bacon. She had bacon band-aids, bacon mints and her prized possession a folder the WWBD "What Would Bacon Do?" folder. In a bind? Spin the arrow to discover the sage wisdom of bacon to guide your decision-making. (I was so curious that I had to get one for myself.)

Tip: Find your bacon. Fill your life with what you love, love, love and leave the rest.

Unfortunately there are those who are blinded by their need to be righteous and to feed their ego and apparently a few commenters felt compelled to deride Jaime's memory because she was not a vegan.

From those callous remarks and her reaction to them, Eli was inspired to share what she calls, "the bacon test."

The Bacon Balance Test
I did not pass the 'balance test.' Regardless of your opinion of bacon can you stay centered? Here's a quick test.

Do you need to be right and make someone else wrong?

Do you need to be in control?

Can you use the situation for upliftment, learning or growth?

Can you respect the person even if you disagree with them?

Can you put yourself in someone else's shoes?

Read Life Balance: Can You Pass The Bacon Test for the whole story

I believe that not only are Jaime's life lessons a wonderful example of how to live life to the fullest, now, today but so is the Bacon Balance Test. Learn, let it go, move on, go live.

Reading about the bacon test also reminded me of a quote I have on my vision board in my office: "The only choice is kindness." This is the title of an article by Steve Silberman in Shambhala Sun about Susan Boorstein:

“Life is so difficult, how can we be anything but kind”—it was these words that inspired Sylvia Boorstein to follow the Buddhist path. Steve Silberman talks with her about the challenges of life, from a rough childhood to a post-partum depression, that helped her become such a beloved teacher—and example—of Buddhist virtues.

Being kind - to ourselves as well as others - can help us remain present and living fully.

In reading blog posts from others who have been posthumously touched by Jaime's life, I found Nicole Seiffert who tweeted an excellent call to action :

If you're dreaming of a day you can start doing what feeds your spirit instead of doing it now, remember: you HAVE now.

Jaime Dyer Dordek's life and spirit were so incandescent they shine through her blogs, her tweets and the loving remembrances of her friends, family and community. I am grateful for the reminder that we only have the present - the future is not guaranteed - and I can choose to live fully, now, by remembering that kindness, to myself and others, is the only choice.

How do you remember to live today? What lessons can you share?

Related Reading:

Nicole Seiffert at How To Wake Up Famous: Count Your Blessings Out Loud

To paraphrase Frank A. Clark, be thankful for what you have or you won’t like what you’re going to get.

For the rest of today, remember to say “thank you” to your family, your friends, your coworkers, and anyone else who lightens your load or lifts your spirits, and mean it. Share your appreciation so freely that if–award in hand–you said, “I want to thank everyone who made this possible; you know who you are,” it would be true.

Tomorrow, wake up famous and do it again.

Pamela Slim at Escape From Cubicle Nation: Instant mood lifter: thank someone for a job well done

Kindness is not a little thing. It is not fluffy, unicorn and rainbow coachy stuff.

Kindness heals.

I highly recommend it.

Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project at The Huffington Post: Practice A Non-Random Act of Kindness

It reminds me of Henri-Frederic Amiel's exhortation: "Life's short and we never have enough time for the hearts of those who travel the way with us. O, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind."

As the Second Splendid Truth sets out:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

Sara at OnSimplicity.net: Six Pretty Darn Good Reasons Not to Be a Jerk

If you’re convinced, then go out and do something nice today. Open a door, leave an encouraging comment at someone’s blog, and tell someone how much you appreciate them. It’s a simple way to feel better about, well… everything!

Jaime at ORD to LAX:Listen to Him...He's Oldish.

The older I get, the more I realize how unimportant most of the crap we worry about is. Do people like me? Do they want to hear what I have to say? Am I cute enough? Am I desirable enough? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, a person could go crazy. So, I say, fuck it. Do what makes you happy. Unless pleated pants make you happy. In that one small case, do what makes me happy. Everything else is yours.

You were right on about the friendship thing. Pick your friends because they make you laugh, they get your jokes, they look up to you and you can look up to them. Who cares what they look like or what social strata they belong to? If they can make diet coke fly out of your nose or pee your pants a little, they’re keepers in my book. I used to know this girl, we’ll call her Mandy, she was so beautiful. Men threw themselves at her. She had, what I thought at the time, was the most glamorous life. Clubs, dinners, dancing, boys. Mandy was a nice enough girl. I didn’t hate spending time with her or anything, but I followed her in lockstep because I thought she could bring me a better life. A life filled with clubs, dinners, dancing, boys. For a while, she did. What I began to realize really quickly was that clubs suck, dinners with people you don’t like is mind numbing, dancing in 5 inch heels hurts and boys who like girls like Mandy aren’t that fun (or interested in me). That was the moment I decided to pick my friends on how they made me feel. Find my chosen family based on actual emotion. I’ve never looked back.

I loved your advice about embracing yourself too. We live in a world that is hell-bent on telling us daily about our faults. I’m over it. I’m plugging my ears. I’m going to change the things about me that bother me, not everyone else. That is not to say I’m not vain. I am. A lot. But if people we’re being honest with themselves, they would realize that everyone is, right? Like you, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that everyone has a market. Every person does it for at least one other person. In our cases, we’re really lucky that we found wonderful men that love us and want us. Not that there aren’t others, of course, but that our men are our market and they’re awesome. As I said recently, anything less than adoration is unacceptable. So, I’m owning what I look like and my sexuality. Some days that might have wide appeal, others maybe not. Like it, love it, or don’t look.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles sometimes is too busy living to post at her blog PopConsumer.

]]> Could Alice.com Be Your New Shopping BFF? http://www.blogher.com/could-alice-com-be-your-new-shopping-bff 2009-06-25T22:06:40-05:00 2009-06-25T22:06:40-05:00 Maria Niles When I first heard about the new e-commerce site, Alice.com, I scoffed. Fresh Direct in the New York City area is once again growing after suffering some setbacks. And Peapod and Amazon show some signs of success and growth in their grocery delivery business. But Alice.com is being pitched as the hottest new delivery site and service, in part because it is both Consumer Packaged Goods (CPG), i.e., stuff you buy at the grocery store, manufacturer friendly and consumer friendly.

]]> When I first heard about the new e-commerce site, Alice.com, I scoffed. Fresh Direct in the New York City area is once again growing after suffering some setbacks. And Peapod and Amazon show some signs of success and growth in their grocery delivery business. But Alice.com is being pitched as the hottest new delivery site and service, in part because it is both Consumer Packaged Goods (CPG), i.e., stuff you buy at the grocery store, manufacturer friendly and consumer friendly.

For CPG companies, Alice.com offers a way to dip their toes back into the waters of selling directly to consumers and bypassing retailers who increasingly compete with them by offering plain-wrap-no-more, attractively packaged, directly competitive private label products.

For consumers, negotiated prices, free shipping and built-in coupons combined with reminders to re-order your favorites promises to help ensure that you will never run out of toilet paper or other essentials ever again. Plus they have several bloggy and social media community features which help Alice really feel like a trusted friend you can get to know.

Part of my initial scoffing was because Alice.com doesn't eliminate the need to go to the grocery store for perishible items. Delivery service makes more sense to me in someplace like Manhattan where there are not ginormous sprawling suburban grocery stores, Walmart Superstores and Super Targets where you can fill all your needs at once from tomatoes to toothpaste. But, if you're still going to have to go to the grocery store anyway, why would you spend the time filling up your cart both in person and virtually?

Then I started reading bloggers writing about Alice.com and I was reminded of why, when you are building or marketing a business, you always do your homework and research because often, you are not the customer. And, despite my CPG smarts, I am not the customer here.

Kristen at Cool Mom Picks, however, is the customer. She signed up to be a beta tester for the site and fell in love. One reason?

Plus, you get it all delivered right to your doorstep. That's got to be at least one less grocery store tantrum a month.

I don't have to wrangle kids plus I work from home and have a flexible schedule. Although it is still hard sometimes for me to get away from the computer to do my grocery shopping I don't have anyone else to shop with or around. If all you have to run into the store for is a gallon of milk and a pound of apples and the rest can be delivered, I bet it would be a useful service for families of more than one.

What do you think? Does Alice.com seem like a service that is opening a useful door to manufacturers? As a shopper is it something that seems like it would be a helpful tool?

Related Reading:

Tom Cunniff at Consumer Packaged Goods, Outside The Box: Alice.com: CPG E-Commerce Revolution?

The mesmerizing promise of milk, Mallomars and maple syrup via modem is as old as the Internet itself.

Ben Parr at Mashable: Alice.com Launches to Assure You Never Run Out of Toilet Paper Again

Alice.com is launched the open beta version of its new web-based tool today. The startup’s goal is still the same: to make sure you never have to run to the store again because you’re out of batteries, soap, shampoo, coffee, toilet paper, or other common household items. Alice also adds planning and budgeting features, smart reminders, and coupons to give the grocery store a run for its money.

Leena Rao at TechCrunch: Alice.com Is Your Housekeeper And Personal Shopper Rolled Into One

The basic idea behind Alice.com, which raised $4.3 million in funding last fall, is that the site is an open platform for consumer packaged goods manufacturers, like Procter & Gamble, to sell directly to consumers instead of going through retail channels like Target or Wal-Mart. On the consumer side, Alice.com lets users create a profile of their household (how many people, kids etc.) and then the site will keep track of items and reminds users with emails when they are running low and need to reorder. Each shipment is bundled together in a single ‘Alice’ box, delivered directly to the consumer’s door, with no shipping costs attached.

Erin at Unclutterer: Convenient dry goods delivery from Alice.com (and be sure to check out the helpful discussion in the comments)

I think about my friends who have infants at home and barely have time to shower, and how nice it would be for them if diapers just appeared on their doorsteps. I think about my friends who live in downtown New York who have to take 20 minute train rides to get to the closest big box store, and how much time it would save them if their dry good items could simply be delivered. Since I buy the vast majority of my food through our local farmer’s market, Alice.com saves me from having to make a second shopping trip to the grocery store. It’s extremely convenient for busy people. It removes an errand/chore from my weekly schedule and allows me to spend that time doing something that matters more to me. It’s simple and uncluttered, for my life.

Granted, this service isn’t for everyone. If you like going to the grocery store and smelling products and first touching what you’re going to buy, then you won’t like getting your dry goods delivered. It also takes 15 to 20 minutes to put together your initial order (at least that is what it took me) which isn’t much of a time saver on that first trip. Subsequent trips are just seconds, however, since you have an established shopping list. Also, if you buy a lot of small production goods, it might take a while for those to become available as contracts are negotiated between Alice and those manufacturers.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles blogs about business at Fizz from ConsumerPop.

]]> Tips on Building Your Confidence http://www.blogher.com/tips-building-your-confidence 2009-06-20T22:37:47-05:00 2009-06-20T22:37:47-05:00 Maria Niles When I lived and worked in New York, I had several occasions to fly the shuttle to and from Washington, D.C. If you've ever flown that shuttle you know of the kiosks filled with newspapers, magazines and books available for the taking and offered to keep your high-power business person brain filled with knowledge and information as you take the sky bus to work.

]]> When I lived and worked in New York, I had several occasions to fly the shuttle to and from Washington, D.C. If you've ever flown that shuttle you know of the kiosks filled with newspapers, magazines and books available for the taking and offered to keep your high-power business person brain filled with knowledge and information as you take the sky bus to work.

On one of these trips I picked up a small book called The Action Principles™ by Bill FitzPatrick. One of those principles that I've always remembered is "A-B-A-B" or, always bring a book. I always remember this when I'm headed out to an event alone or in uncertain circumstances and those four letters help me to always remember.

ABAB reminded me of a habit I developed when I worked in the music business. As a talent scout I would go to see bands that were often just starting out. As a result, many times they would take the stage dead last in the wee, early hours of the morning just before last call. Also, they were often really bad. As you might imagine, I could dazzle friends with my glamorous job and get them to come with me once and then the illusion of fabulousity was shattered and the mundane reality of my gig set in so more times than not, I went out to a nightclub alone to work.

Going out night after night alone helped build my confidence. But I'm rather shy so I got through it by bringing a book. Even though I looked like a supreme dork, I would find a corner with some light and read until it was time to watch the act I had come to see. Although it was a form of armor, a shield made of paper, it helped me develop the confidence to go out alone and swim in a sea of strangers.

I was reminded of how those skills I developed out of trial, error and necessity are keys to building confidence. Patricia Stark, who hosts Craving Confidence blogged some tips to building confidence when you are alone and don't have the security blanket of being surrounded by people you know. Her tips include going to concerts and nightclubs alone and always bringing a book.

Working on feeling comfortable alone can be a great way of building confidence. And ultimately the key to confidence is having faith that you, alone, are enough and worthy as you are.

How do you build your confidence? What makes you feel most confident? Do you have any tips to share on how we can all build our confidence?

Related Reading and Watching:

Sarah Dopp at Dopp Juice writes about developing confidence in her body in Thin and Fit are separate things.

One of my all time favorite pictures of confidence

Sara at OnSimplicity.net The Crux of Confidence: The One Question You Must Be Able to Answer Affirmatively

Somewhere in the years following high school, we begin to realize that confidence can’t be purchased or manipulated quite so easily as we once imagined. Often it happens we get everything we once wished for and find there’s no confetti parade waiting to congratulate us. In the end, confidence seems to come down to one question: do you provide value to the world around you?

BlogHer CE Zandria: Confidence: Hold Your Head Up and Keep it There

Maybe some of you are thinking, “Big deal. Her head was down while she was talking. That’s what you do when you’re listening and concentrating.” But that’s not it at all. Having my head down symbolizes a lack of confidence. I’ve worked damn hard over the years to increase my confidence -- to break free of the mentality of those church ladies from 16 years ago, who were trying to keep me...what? Humble? (Well, thanks for nothing, ladies. You made me think it was wrong to have self-assurance, and for that I’d like to travel back in time and kick you in the face.)

BlogHer CE Maria Niles may feel confident alone but would love it if you join her at PopConsumer

]]> Equal Rights Advocates: Celebrating 35 Years of Advocacy and Action http://www.blogher.com/equal-rights-advocates-celebrating-35-years-advocacy-and-action 2009-06-18T20:22:32-05:00 2009-06-19T11:35:45-05:00 Maria Niles Today I had the opportunity to attend the Equal Rights Advocates (ERA) 35th Anniversary Luncheon and to hear Donna Brazile speak. I was thrilled to learn about the work they are doing to advance civil rights.

]]> Today I had the opportunity to attend the Equal Rights Advocates (ERA) 35th Anniversary Luncheon and to hear Donna Brazile speak. I was thrilled to learn about the work they are doing to advance civil rights.

Equal Rights Advocates has led the legal fight for women’s equality for more than 30 years. Since 1974, ERA’s mission has been to protect and secure equal rights and economic opportunities for women and girls through litigation and advocacy.

ERAs litigation work has secured the rights of women to equal opportunity. Even when legislation is passed, cases must be brought in order to ensure that rights afforded by legislation are enforced. In other cases, litigation leads to greater protection under the law when legislators receive a wake up call. Cases ERA has supported include Dukes v. Wal-Mart which claims that Wal-Mart discriminates against its female employees with lower pay and fewer opportunities for advancement than for its male employees.

The annual ERA luncheon is the major fund raising event for the organization. Pam Moore, who is a much admired, award-winning, local television journalist, returned to host this year's luncheon (and I'll admit I was a bit of a fangirl when she sat at our table in-between her emcee duties and I was able to tell her that I am a fan of her work and that her shoes were fabulous).

Pam Moore introduced the afternoon's keynote speaker, author, activist, political consultant and commentator Donna Brazile. Ms. Brazile's address was warm, funny and forceful. She shared personal stories, such as her experience as one of the first women to receive a college athletic scholarship post Title IX and of her disappointment and reminder of why we must remain vigilant while recently watching her home state of Louisiana's state legislature debate and defeat by a large margin legislation for paycheck fairness and in support of the Equal Rights Amendment. She also shared some of her personal rules for appearing as a political commentator on television: she doesn't allow herself to be put in a race or gender box and makes it clear that she can talk about fights, wars and peace if it ever breaks out. Also, she does not appear unless she is paid the same as James Carville, Bill Bennett or any of the other boys! I appreciated that she made clear in her remarks that the fight for women's rights and equality is part and parcel of the struggle for civil rights for all people.

Donna Brazile called us to action prefaced with a story about Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Restoration Act is not enough and we also need the Paycheck Fairness Act. It passed the house because Nancy Pelosi is tough even though tough people (i.e. strong women) don't always get the same love as do calm, tender people. However, the act sits in the Senate with only 30 co-sponsors. Leaders have said they won't bring it to the floor for a vote until there are 60, Brazile told us and then urged us to write our Senators and tell them we want them to support this legislation.

I left the luncheon excited to have learned of ERA, their work and successes and feeling energized to take action. I encourage readers to learn more about the organization, how you can support their work (including making a donation if you are able and so moved) and how you can become an advocate for civil rights for women and all.

Related Links:

Elisa Batista of MotherTalkers.com and Daily Kos Donna Brazile: Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act Not Enough

Pat Lynch, CEO and Editor in Chief of WomensRadio live streamed audio of the event which was recorded and will be available for playback later. She also previously interviewed outgoing ERA Executive Director, Irma Herrera. Ms. Herrera spoke at the luncheon and her tireless advocacy on behalf of ERA was evident.

ERA's victory yesterday supporting a student-initiated, Title IX class-action discrimination lawsuit.

Three students who filed a class-action lawsuit against the University of California, Davis, claiming the university provided insufficient opportunities for female athletes, have agreed to settle their case, UC Davis officials announced Wednesday.

The settlement, which is still subject to a judge's approval, will provide more opportunities for women at UC Davis to play intercollegiate sports, including the creation of a varsity field-hockey team for women this year.

"I know so many excited women who are going to be able to participate, so I'm really happy for them," said plaintiff Kelsey Brust, a 21-year-old student majoring in animal science who has played field hockey at the club level.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles also blogs and advocates at PopConsumer.

]]> A Practical Guide to Using Affirmations (Even If You're Skeptical) http://www.blogher.com/practical-guide-using-affirmations-even-if-youre-skeptical 2009-06-14T00:57:59-05:00 2009-06-14T00:57:59-05:00 Maria Niles Mention affirmations and visions of Stuart Smalley might start dancing in your head. Though it is easy to dismiss affirmations as the automagical thinking of woo-woo new age folks, they can serve as a very practical tool for even the most skeptical of cynics to use in achieving goals and even, dare I say it, making dreams come true.

]]> Mention affirmations and visions of Stuart Smalley might start dancing in your head. Though it is easy to dismiss affirmations as the automagical thinking of woo-woo new age folks, they can serve as a very practical tool for even the most skeptical of cynics to use in achieving goals and even, dare I say it, making dreams come true.

You can think of affirmations as simply a way to focus your mind on achieving a desired outcome so that you will notice opportunities to act towards achieving your goals. Perhaps the most famous practitioner of practical affirmations is Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert. In his book The Dilbert Principle Adams wrote of his use of affirmations. Even though Adams was somewhat skeptical of the technique he began to write an affirmation fifteen times a day. He started with making money in the stock market. After writing his affirmations for a while, he then had an idea to buy a specific stock and he did indeed make money on that and a few others. Next he affirmed a specific GMAT score he wanted to earn in order to increase his chances at being accepted into the MBA program at UC Berkeley. He received exactly the score he affirmed. Read more of the story including how Adams affirmed his way into becoming the most successful comic strip artist in the world.

If you've watched the movie of The Secret you might remember the scene where a boy wishes for a bike and poof the bike appears. I'm not suggesting that using affirmations works like that. Rather, you can affirm that you will own a bike and then in the future find yourself owning a bike. Even better, if you affirm what color, what style, what features and other specifics, you are very likely to end up with the exact bike of your dreams. Not by magic but by focus.

By affirming that you own your dream bike your focus will be drawn to opportunities to make that so. You might notice a sale at the local bike shop. Or you might be drawn to wander Craigslist or Freecycle one day and find someone selling or giving away exactly what you wish for. Or you might realize that you have something you could sell or barter for your dream bike.

I used Scott Adams' 15x/day technique when I sought to purchase my first home. Goodness knows it did not happen by magic. It was a difficult, drawn out process marked with drama, me homeless for nearly two months and almost losing the deal when my mortgage got messed up and eventually closing on September 11, 2001 just outside of Manhattan and then my belongings being held hostage by a moving company who took the opportunity to extort me for thousands. My sad tales of woe aside, I persevered through all the roadblocks because I affirmed my home purchase and how much I was going to spend max, how much I would put down and the time frame. This led me to remember conversations, notice signs, pay attention to resources and so on. I still had to do the work but I believe it happened because my mind was focused.

I encourage you to try using practical affirmations to achieve a goal to test out the practice if you've never used it before. Be specific and start small. Try it for a few months before giving up and along the way notice where you're mind is drawn and focused on your goal and how the affirmations helped. You might be pleasantly surprised to learn just how powerful a tool they can be.

Have you used affirmations to achieve a goal? Have you found any particular technique or form of affirmation particularly helpful? Still think this is a bunch of unscientific, unproven new age woo-woo nonsense?

Related Reading:

Dream Manifesto offers software you can use to remind you of your affirmations and endorsed by Rand Denny, brother of BlogHer CE Kalyn Denny also of Kalyn's Kitchen

I Absolutely Love It
“I just downloaded this (minutes ago) and wanted you to know I absolutely love it. I am so grateful I found this. What an amazing way to stay continually aware of what I’m creating in my life. I just can’t wait for the bell to sound!”

Rand Denny, Venice CA

Cards Of Change showcases business cards which have been altered to affirm the positive change people seek to achieve.

Steve Pavlina: Keep Your Goals in Front of You and his Belief Board (starts at 5:09 in)

Juliana at True Confessions of a Mormon Mother: Positive Affirmations & Top 50

Monica at Run Eat Repeat: Positive Affirmations

Tracee at The Girl Revolution: Sticky Note Affirmations, Making Bold Dreams Come True

BlogHer CE Catherine Morgan: Stress Reduction: Inner Games and Positive Affirmations

When BlogHer CE Maria Niles isn't writing her current affirmation 15 times-a-day, she sometimes blogs at PopConsumer.

]]> Jesus Loves You, But I’m His Favorite http://www.blogher.com/jesus-loves-you-i-m-his-favorite 2009-06-12T01:02:38-05:00 2009-06-12T18:59:07-05:00 Maria Niles Walking around in a pair of moral platform shoes does make it harder to get up when you fall. ~Benedict Carey

New research shows that we over estimate our own moral superiority but assess it accurately when assuming the lesser virtue of others.

]]> Walking around in a pair of moral platform shoes does make it harder to get up when you fall. ~Benedict Carey

New research shows that we over estimate our own moral superiority but assess it accurately when assuming the lesser virtue of others.

One way to test whether people live up to their virtuous self-image is to set them up. In one study, for example, 251 Cornell students predicted how likely they would be to buy a daffodil at Daffodil Days, a four-day campus event to benefit the American Cancer Society. Sure enough, 83 percent predicted that they would buy at least one flower but that just 56 percent of their peers would.

Five weeks later, during the event, the researchers found that only 43 percent of the same students actually bought a daffodil. In other experiments, researchers have found that people similarly overestimate their willingness to do what’s morally right, whether to give to charity, vote or cooperate with a stranger. In the end, their less generous predictions about peers’ behavior tend to be dead-on accurate — for themselves as well as others in the study.

Stumbling Blocks on the Path of Righteousness - The New York Times

Perhaps this explains why hypocrisy, judgment and schadenfreude seem rampant these days. It's on our TV screens when we revel in the scoldings of the women of Charm School and enjoy, smugly, how much better than they are we. Or when the marital troubles of Jon and Kate allow us to sit back on our sofas with a bucket of popcorn while proclaiming all the ways in which we would never do that with our kids (the irony arrives, of course, when the kids are sitting there watching and listening along with us).

Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean, was recently fired because instead of being the bathing suit, tiara and state fair role model she signed up for, she prefers basking in the glow of becoming the new poster queen for "opposite marriage."

We witness it in our politicians and pastors so often it's almost become boring. Those who posture, preen and position themselves as the morality police while violating their own laws at home, in bathrooms, in hotel rooms, on live TV (well, perhaps not that yet) help us feel good about how good we are.

And then there is the third rail of the holier-than-thou syndrome: our own passions. Hardcore advocates of any side of thorny issues often and easily slip into those moral platform shoes Benedict Carey warned us of. Breastfeeding, child rearing choices, animal rights, abortion, gay marriage, health care treatments, organic foods... These are just a few of the hot button issues that when some get up on their soapboxes, somehow the rarefied air up there leads them to believe their poo has been rendered odorless.

Now that we are aware of our inflated sense of goodness perhaps we can practice compassion as BlogHer CE Mata H. writes of or salute the love in others as Marianne Williamson suggests. At the very least, if we each work to recognize the reality of our righteousness and strive not to blow it out of proportion we can begin to meet on common ground.

Do you ever find yourself teetering on those moral platforms and looking down your nose? Do you ever talk a good game about doing good and then conveniently forget to lace up your shoes? What strategies do you find work for helping you dismount from that high horse?

John Lennon: The New York City Years Exhibit Preview

Related Reading:

Jeanna Bryner at LiveScience: Oddly, Hypocrisy Rooted in High Morals

"The principle we uncovered is that when faced with a moral decision, those with a strong moral identity choose their fate (for good or for bad) and then the moral identity drives them to pursue that fate to the extreme," said researcher Scott Reynolds of the University of Washington Business School in Seattle. "So it makes sense that this principle would help explain what makes the greatest of saints and the foulest of hypocrites."

Cristina at Working Mom, Democrat, Patriot: The Demonization of Kate Gosselin - Backlash Against a Working Mom

How dare she get a tummy tuck after carrying sextuplets! (My God, have you seen the photos of her pregnant?) How dare she insist that Jon take a turn at staying home with the kids? That's the mother's job! Never mind that Jon got hair plugs or that Jon worked outside the home for the first few years of the show. Kate is the selfish one, because (gasp!) she wants to look good, (heaven forbid!) wants to take care of herself and be healthy and (the horror!) she actually travels for business.

Yes, she is a working mom. And in some ways, in our modern society, we still can't reconcile the notion of a working mom with the image of the all-sacrificing mother, who suppresses all of her own needs for those of her children.

And apparently in this scenario, being a working mom is even worse than being a cheating spouse.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. at Psychology Today Blogs: Marriage Wars: The Real Fight is Over Moral Superiority

That, I think, is the real reason why some (though not all) of the opponents of same-sex marriage are so vehement. It is why they feel so threatened. To open the door of marriage to gays is to let them in on the one resource that opponents are most reluctant to share (especially with gays) - their own sense of moral superiority.

The dark and scary motif of the gathering-storm ad aptly expresses a genuine sense of foreboding. Even though the arguments in the ad may be bogus, the fear is real.

If it really is a sense of moral superiority that is at stake, then it is also easy to understand the passion on the side of the advocates of gay marriage. The GLBT community has been so vilified for so long. They've been scorned as moral misfits. Now imagine if the mantle of marriage - the official, legal, federal, no-holds-barred kind - could confer instant respectability. No, not just respectability - superiority. MORAL superiority. Who wouldn't be tempted to reach for that diamond ring?

radhapriya at Trying to reach a state of equilibrium... Transcending the Holier than Thou Attitude

peggynature at Mouthfeel: The Story of Fat: Holier-than-thou, and getting holier

And none of this makes us greedy, gluttonous assholes — it makes us human beings.

The way to deal with this is not to point fingers at the fatties and shriek with moral outrage about their greed. The way to deal with this is not to conflate eating habits with body size, or to blame diabetes on those evil white foods.

Wacky as it may sound, the way to deal with it is to, first, calm the fuck down. And stop being such an asshole to people who don’t look like you. And stop attaching a moral value to food, or to health.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles polishes her angel wings at her personal blog PopConsumer.

]]> Ego and Blogging http://www.blogher.com/ego-and-blogging 2009-06-07T01:24:48-05:00 2009-06-07T01:24:48-05:00 Maria Niles Let me start with a disclaimer: I am neither a psychologist nor a Buddhist or in any way trained in a specific method of discussing these concepts. These are only my thoughts and observations.

]]> Let me start with a disclaimer: I am neither a psychologist nor a Buddhist or in any way trained in a specific method of discussing these concepts. These are only my thoughts and observations.

I use the term "ego" loosely. What I'm talking about is simply our sense of self. Just as there are different definitions of ego, there are various perceptions. Egos can be healthy as in we have strong positive self-esteem or healthy as in big which is generally considered negative as in egotistical or egomaniac. But even in its most neutral definition as awareness of self, ego can lead us down some painful paths. And, to me, it seems that blogging can easily turn into crack for an ego addicted soul. And that's many if not most of us.

Whether good or bad, positive or negative, pleasurable or painful, we humans have a bad habit of pushing buttons and chasing experiences that acknowledge our awareness of ourselves. We need interaction with others to help remind us that we exist. And beyond knowing we exist, we want to feel that we matter, that we are important and we want others to acknowledge their awareness of our existence. We then take that acknowledgment and turn it into a personal yardstick by which we measure ourselves. And when we fall short of our self imposed standards, it can hurt something fierce.

But, even if it hurts, it lets us know that we are alive and not invisible and that's where the whole crack addict thing can kick in. It occurs to me that in many ways blogging and other forms of social media are perfect drugs for feeding that addiction.

Some of us say we write our blogs and we don't care if anyone reads us. If that were true then why would we not just write in private? We must care and want to be acknowledged in some way if we publicly publish our writing. I am pretty good at doing this but I do perk up when someone comments or on those rare occasions where I see stats and there is a small spike for a post I've written somewhere. I really would blog even if nobody read what I wrote but I won't lie, I like it better when somebody does read and acknowledges my writing.

When we hit the publish button on our posts and someone does read it and acknowledge our writing, sometimes that acknowledgment comes in the form of a defensive response. We don't just write with ego, we read with ego, too. And we all know how the song goes... C'mon everyone now, sing along with me: "You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you." Tell the truth, we've all done it, you read a post or a comment and you think the person is blogging about you even if they are not naming names. Hey, you talking to me?. And then we feel an urge to jump to our own defense and respond with a snappy blog or comment retort. That's pure ego talking and see why I say ego and blogging can lead to a lot of suffering?

These wounds are self-inflicted. And we can stop beating ourselves up. Unless your blog is a commercial venture that you must measure, let's ease up on the obsessive stat checking*. Let's stop counting comments and looking for offense (even if names are named - it's still their story) where quite possibly none was intended. And even if someone flings the most foul online poo your way, you still have the power to choose to get into a poo fight or to raise your deflector shields and walk away and allow the pile of poo to lie there, untouched.

*(But if you really cannot tear yourself away from your stats, check out the ego iPhone app.)

Here is one simple step that I think can help us reduce the negative and painful ego validation crack of blogging and commenting: before hitting publish, stop and remember the timeless adage of considering: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
 As I noted in a post about complaining, Eckhart Tolle posits that facts are neutral and complaining comes from ego. Maybe we can enjoy blogging and social media more if we worry less about whether or not others are thinking about us and more about just telling our truth and our stories. Trust me, they're real and they're spectacular.

Do you ever find yourself getting angry, upset because you think someone is singling you out online explicitly or implicitly? Have you found your writing and deleting or posting defensive responses? Do you feel hurt because nobody reads your blog? How do you deal with these feelings and keep on blogging and commenting?

Related Reading:

Osho at deoxy.org: Ego - The False Center

James Harvey Stout at The Order Of Time: The Ego

Liana Evans at Search Engine Watch: Leave Your Ego at the Door

When it comes to dipping your toes in, or taking a giant swan dive into the social media "pool," no one cares what your swimsuit looks like or how you look in it. That's basically saying nobody really cares about "you" per se, so you need to leave your ego checked at that pool room door. In the world of social media, it's about what the community and its members think, not about what you the company or you the product or service owner thinks.

Brooke Castillo: I would like to excuse myself from your business

Tina Su at ThinkSimpleNow: How to End Suffering

# Emotional pain is always the result of our attachment to our own perspectives. Our ego stubbornly sticks to one side of the story, and repeats this story in our head on a continuous loop - sooner or later, we start to believe it as reality. But it is not THE reality, it is just our reality, and one of many other possible “realities”. Have courage to view the other possible perspectives, and developing compassion for the other “sides” will help to bring peace and eliminate our own pain.
# Ego loves pain and problems. It specifically looks for them when we are not conscious. Because those are the only things that can ensure its survival. Explode your ego, by shining the light of awareness on it. With awareness, we see that the story it has created is silly, unrealistic and unhelpful.

Michelle Rogers at Finer Minds: Stop Taking Things Personally!

Exercise 2
Hi, my name is __________. I love and respect you, and I don’t give a f*@k about what you think about me. Have a nice day!

@skinnyjeans
"Tweetfucius say practice non-attachment. Your value is not your Followers number."

Gonnavent at The View Report: The View - Tuesday June 2, 2009

Yesterday, some folks took issue with some things I said. I went back and re-read all I wrote and I think there was a lot of misunderstanding. To clarify, when I say “Just ignore” I mean, just ignore “the baiting” of some folks. Even way I say :”Just Ignore X Person” I mean, Just ignore their baiting. Perhaps I was too wordy and didn’t make that clear enough. I suppose I have a problem with thinking people KNOW what I mean. By all means, debate.

I’m trying to create an atmosphere where most people feel comfortable adding their two cents. Maybe that’s impossible. Probably is....

Feel free to comment and chit-chat below. I will be popping in 2 times today to check for any posts that went into moderation. Remember, we’re still having issues with that and some just go into moderation for no reason. It’s not a conspiracy.

Jennifer B. Davis at Innovative Business: Yes, And

So, here is the challenge. Whenever you want to say "but," stop yourself and begin with "yes, and" instead. It will be hard at first, perhaps, to find common ground, but your conversations (and even negotiations) will be more successful if you remove the word "but" from your vocabulary and do your part to build a culture of yes in your organization.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles is not checking her stats at PopConsumer.

]]> How Dare You Try To Make Money! http://www.blogher.com/how-dare-you-try-make-money 2009-06-05T00:57:30-05:00 2009-06-05T00:57:30-05:00 Maria Niles Recently, I was struck by a comment left on the blog of popular blogger, coach and author Pam Slim. The anonymous (of course) commenter chastised her for seeking sales and for there being less free content on her blog as she worked on promoting her newly launched book.

Then I was blown away by Pam's fabulous response. Calm, neutral, factual, non-reactive, honest, compassionate and not defensive in the least.

]]> Recently, I was struck by a comment left on the blog of popular blogger, coach and author Pam Slim. The anonymous (of course) commenter chastised her for seeking sales and for there being less free content on her blog as she worked on promoting her newly launched book.

Then I was blown away by Pam's fabulous response. Calm, neutral, factual, non-reactive, honest, compassionate and not defensive in the least.

Taken together, the discussion got me thinking: is there anything wrong with trying to make money? (Note: I've not reproduced the comment and response here because they are a bit lengthy but I encourage you to read them here.)

I've read Pam's blog, Escape From Cubicle Nation for years and have always found value in what she writes. Though I read a number of blogs that discuss personal growth and self employment that bombard the reader with constant special offers and that follow suspiciously similar formulas of e-books, tele-seminars, email newsletters, long, long promo landing pages with testimonials and red letter headlines, hers does not.

While the internet seems tailor-made to spread the "get rich quick in three easy steps!" meme, in person we all have struggled with friends and family who want us to join their network, buy their cosmetics, cookware or ahem, toys for grownups. Unlike distant corporations who seek to persuade us en masse, when we have a relationship with someone and they market directly to us as individual it can feel really uncomfortable.

We would not begrudge anyone going to a job and earning money even when we might help them earn a paycheck indirectly. Do you feel any animosity towards a librarian or school teacher being paid when your taxes, your book reading habits and child's education all contribute to their ability to pay their rent? Doubtful. When you go to a department store or Target to pick up your favorite mascara do you have to think twice about giving money to the employees of the cosmetics company? Unlikely. Why then do we bristle when a neighbor offers to sell us Avon or Mary Kay or when a cousin or sister-in-law asks us to host a Tupperware or Pampered Chef party? You might have Good Vibrations on speed dial but be annoyed when girls night out involves your BFF asking you to re-stock your nightstand with products she is now distributing.

Part of this, I think, probably is driven by the taboos we have about money in our culture - about talking about it, about wanting it, and about asking for anything. Particularly if the one opening her mouth about it is a woman. And not only is there a taboo about discussing money but then feeling like you've been put in a position where you have to say yes or no about how you want to spend your money and, to some degree, judge the worthiness of someone you care about in asking and receiving money - it's a recipe for a crazy-making tangle of conflicting and oft-suppressed emotions.

And, I haven't even touched on the twin "J's:" judgment and jealousy. I won't rehash the consistent flare-ups in the blogosphere where pronouncements are blogged about how and when advertising, paid blogging, sponsored content, reviews, freebies, etc., etc., etc. are or are not acceptable but if you've been reading blogs for more than a minute, undoubtedly you've seen a round or two.

As readers we can snipe and complain or we can stop reading or unsubscribe if we think a blogger has gotten too greedy, too pushy, too smarmy with their money making efforts. In real life, it is harder because you can't always and probably don't always want to walk away from relationships. As bloggers, marketers and self-promoters we can learn to sell with confidence and integrity or run the risk of losing readers, friends and sales. It's a tricky dance but here's hoping we can all learn to move past fear, greed, desperation and all our discomfort around money and deal with getting paid with all the grace and class of Pam Slim.

Related Reading:

Naomi Dunford at IttyBiz: Entrepreneurship: What To Do When You're Scared Sh*tless

Am I afraid that no-one will come to my blog? That people will stop coming? That I won’t meet the goals I’ve stated quite publicly to people I don’t like and who will gleefully revel in my failure?

Of course I am. But I can’t let that water me down. I can’t let that fear dominate my actions. I can’t let myself become one of those bloggers who just rehashes everybody else’s crap.

I have to hang out, being afraid, and going about my business anyway.

Sonia Simone at Copyblogger: Is Your Tribe Holding You Down?

I wonder, though, if there’s any possible way a tribe could come together that was about building real businesses online without being cheesy, sleazy, or tacky? Could a tribe form around ethical business practices, effective persuasive communication that actually sells something, respectful relationships with customers, and a commitment to keeping the White Hat on at all times?

Could that tribe actually come to terms with getting paid for the work they put in? Could they be willing to learn to create businesses that don’t require a superhuman effort to get off the ground? Not necessarily getting rich quick, but getting rich without killing yourself?

Jonathan Mead at Zen Habits: How To Do What You Love Without Selling Your Soul

First of all, you have to drop the preconceived idea that selling yourself is evil. In a perfect world, you would create a product or service (whether that be being a musician, or otherwise) and it would sell itself. Customers would flock in and you would be scrambling to try to serve them all. In reality, this is far from the truth.

In the real world you have to give people a reason why they want what you have to offer. The art of marketing is effectively communicating in an interesting way, the reason they need what you have. Maybe you’re an authority if your field; maybe you’ve painstakingly studied your area of expertise. Maybe you know something “they” don’t, but need to know to solve their problem. There are a lot of sleazy ways you can do this (special offer ends in 30 minutes for the first 7 inquiries, call now!) but there are also a lot of ways to do this that aren’t gimmicky and don’t make you feel like you’re selling yourself out to make a buck.

Kevin at Body Shop Guru: Is it possible to promote your business without selling your soul?

Sometimes selling can feel like selling out and marketing like shameless self-promotion. Here’s 4 guidelines for doing it right with integrity.

Chris Guillebeau at The Art of Non-Conformity: The Secret Connection Between Art and Money

Yes, money. I’ve noticed that some artists have a hard time talking about money. What’s up with that?

I know that not every artist wants to support themselves from their work, and that’s totally cool. The problem is that many do, but don’t know where to begin. It’s kind of like real jobs - not all real jobs suck, but many of them do. I’m interested in helping the people who want to escape, not those who already have a great job that they love.

When it comes to artists, I’m interested in helping those who want to get paid for the great work they do. Working with a great coauthor, I recruited a number of successful, working artists and asked them to share what they do and how they make it work.

(Note: one of the featured artists is BlogHer art and design CE Karen Walrond)

Lindsey Ferrier at Suburban Turmoil: Making Money Off Your Friends

What do you think about friends who end up becoming Avon/Mary Kay/Arbonne/Pampered Chef/Energy drink consultants and suddenly want you to host a show/buy something from them? Is it annoying? Is it understandable? Does it make you uncomfortable? Has it put a strain on any of your friendships? Are you yourself selling products to your friends?

BlogHer CE Paula G. reviews Escape from Cubicle Nation, the book

When someone launches a book these days you can expect the usual viral emails and cross-promotions to generate buzz and sales. Sure there was plenty of that with Pam's book release as well. Yet what makes this book different in my opinion are the sheer number of people from everyday readers to online and entrepreneurial celebrities (Guy Kawasaki, Tim Berry) who genuinely gush about Pam and her book.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles hasn't figured out how to monetize her life at PopConsumer.

]]> Lucid Dreaming: A Tool for Creativity and Empowerment http://www.blogher.com/lucid-dreaming-tool-creativity-and-empowerment 2009-05-30T19:02:54-05:00 2009-06-01T21:03:56-05:00 Maria Niles Lucid (or conscious) dreaming is a technique you can learn to tap into your brain differently than when you are awake. By being aware of your dreams you can boost your creativity and better recognize your interests and goals as well as learn how to make your dreams come true.

]]> Lucid (or conscious) dreaming is a technique you can learn to tap into your brain differently than when you are awake. By being aware of your dreams you can boost your creativity and better recognize your interests and goals as well as learn how to make your dreams come true.

Lucid dreaming is being aware that you are dreaming while you are dreaming and being able to decide how to act and control what happens while you dream. I only recently became aware that dreaming this way had a name. I have always dreamed this way and thought everyone did. But I've learned that while I do this naturally on a basic level, there are several techniques I can learn and try to even more consciously dream.

I don't set out to have lucid dreams but when they happen for me it is almost always of the same variety: something bad happens or is about to happen to me or I feel powerless or diminished in some way. I don't enjoy those feelings so when I am aware that I am experiencing them I recognize that I am dreaming and that the story doesn't have to play out the way it is going. I take charge of the situation and finish things in a way where I am powerful and in charge. Awesome, right?

Not that I am completely without fear in my waking life, but living without fear is a primary goal for me so perhaps that is why it is in those dreams I awake to take control. I don't know if there is a connection but when I look over my life, the few times where I have been in danger of violence, I have acted in power and stopped the situation from ending in harm. In real life, one night I was with a group of friends waking from the car we had just parked to a theater. I was aware that there was a man behind me following oddly. He pushed forward to try to grab my purse and, probably because he had activated my spidey sense, I reacted quickly enough to put a death grip on my bag and prevent him from taking off with it. Possibly because of my dreams in which I am a bad ass who would have knocked him out cold with a martial arts kick or something, I yelled out three words in a strange order and caused him to run off empty handed: "Asshole! Thief! Stop!"

I don't know for sure that my dream control is related to my waking instincts but it certainly seems possible. Possible enough to become intrigued as I learned that lucid dreaming is a technique that you can learn to choose to do. In discussions of lucid dreaming I recognize that there are several potential benefits from actively choosing to be conscious of your dreams.

1. Recognize your passions, purpose, interests and goals.
Because you can act without physical limitations (e.g. you can experience flying) or the mental blocks we build up for ourselves, you can better recognize what you would like to do or achieve if you had no limitations.

2. Learn how to achieve your dreams.
If you know what your dreams or goals are you can choose to dream about achieving them and discover paths and approaches you might not think of while awake and experiencing limiting beliefs.

3. Increase your creativity.
By setting out to have vivid dreams and then remembering and recording your dreams you can discover creative ideas that you might not access during waking hours.

There are several suggested tips and techniques for learning how to start lucid dreaming. Three common ones are:

1. Meditate
2. Focus on what you want to dream about before you fall asleep
3. Keep a dream journal

Even if you don't achieve lucid dreaming, these techniques can all better help you increase your awareness and creativity. And if you do start to have lucid dreams maybe you'll learn how to fly.

Do you have lucid dreams? What have you learned from those dreams? Did you practice to develop your technique? What tips would you give to others who want to learn how to dream consciously?

Related Reading:

Erin Pavlina Can we learn new things in a lucid dream?

Steve Pavlina Lucid Dreaming Category Archive

Vic Stachura at Think Simple Now: How to Tap Your Nap

The ability to use the initial stages of sleep to generate creative ideas or to solve a perplex problem. Sounds a little far-fetched, doesn’t it? I thought so too, until I discovered that many of the great scientists, artists and engineers of our time have used sleep as a means of inspiration and problem solving. It has been described as trolling or mining for ideas in the subconscious of our mind.

WikiHow How to Lucid Dream

Crabby McSlacker at Cranky Fitness: Lucid Dreaming For Slackers

Rebecca at World of Lucid Dreaming: Lucid Dreaming Techniques: A Guide To Lucid Dream Induction

Wikipedia Hypnagogia

BlogHer CE Melanie Nelson uses lucid dreaming to help with insomnia:

I learned a technique called lucid dreaming. Essentially, I become more aware of what is going on in my dreams and therefore have more control. It's helped a lot.

Sue at Discombobula: Lucid Dreaming

Claudia at My Story Lives: Discovering the World of Dreams

Ashley at Writing To Reach You: I have the dreams of a crazy person

Though Ashley finds her dream of Barack Obama writing her a letter of recommendation "delusional" I think it is an example of how dreams could help kick start some creative brainstorming.

Leah at Creative Every Day: Interview with Robert Moss

I'm so thrilled to be able to share this interview about dreaming and creativity with you!

My interest in dream imagery stems from the fact that my dreaming is quite vivid and I often get a lot of ideas for art there, but the typical dream interpretation books never made much sense to me. Robert Moss's book, Conscious Dreaming was recommended to me by CED participant, Kelly, who found me through a bit of synchronicity and my post about a lynx dream. I deeply resonated with Moss's discussion of dreams and finding the meaning in your own symbology.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles is a lucid dreamer at her personal blog PopConsumer.

]]> Sonia Sotomayor is not a mother. So what? http://www.blogher.com/sonia-sotomayor-not-mother-so-what 2009-05-28T20:09:19-05:00 2009-05-28T21:13:55-05:00 Maria Niles Any justice without kids raises some red flags, in my mind. Having children gives one a “vested” interest in the consequences of one’s rulings. Kids broaden your perspective and make you less selfish. ~ Comment by "randee" on "Obama Names Sotomayor As Supreme Court Pick" at Fitsnews.com

]]> Any justice without kids raises some red flags, in my mind. Having children gives one a “vested” interest in the consequences of one’s rulings. Kids broaden your perspective and make you less selfish. ~ Comment by "randee" on "Obama Names Sotomayor As Supreme Court Pick" at Fitsnews.com

The nomination of Sonia Sotomayor, who is not a mother, to the United States Supreme Court and some recent discussion on feminist blogs about a hypothesis advanced that there is a divide between young, childless feminists and mothers have highlighted the ongoing variation of so-called mommy wars (stay-at-home versus working outside the home, partnered versus single, breast feeding versus bottle feeding and on and on and on) where women who are mothers and women who are not are pitted against each other and alienated from one another other.

A majority of American women will become mothers at some point in their lives. This current fact leads to discussions of women to sometimes become conflated with discussions of mothers. However, a non-insignificant number of women are not mothers either by choice or by circumstance. Women who are mothers can often feel that their voices are dismissed because of judgmental assumptions that parenting has consumed their lives and rendered them mute on any subjects not involving attending to the needs of a child. Women who do not have children can feel marginalized, especially in the blogosphere, by the many, many mothers who write on a range of issues and some who at times imply that motherhood has given them a perspective that should be more highly valued than that of other women.

Every time I see a post lead off with some variation of "we should pay attention to women, especially mothers" I get stabby.  These slights, however unintentional they might be, sting even for those of us who are content with our non-parenting lives. I cannot imagine how painful they must be for women who very much desire to parent but are unable to do so for whatever reason. And the focus of too many of my clueless marketing brethren on showering only certain types of mommyblogs and not other life bloggers with attention, trips and gifts certainly doesn't help matters.

In her piece "Raising the Baby Question" Nona Willis Aronowitz, writing for The Nation, sees a disconnect between blogs written by and targeting young feminists and blogs written by mothers discussing issues of parenting. To her credit, Nona did not react defensively to criticism of her thesis from bloggers including Julie Pippert at MOMocrats and Veronica Arreola at Fem2.0 and Viva La Feminista in which they pointed out the many blogs in which issues of feminism and identities as mothers intersect. She engaged and continues to seek common ground. However, I think her perspective still poses an artificial dichotomy. In a follow up piece published at community.feministing.com, Nona sums up her piece with the observation: "In short, I think moms and feminists need to work together more." Which, of course, prompts the obvious reaction in Jessica Valenti's first comment:

"The thing is - moms are feminists and feminists are moms. I don't think they're separate groups."

However, in reply to Jessica's comment, the mom vs. non-mom dichotomy is raised.

happiestsadists writes:

Actually, a lot of feminists aren't moms. And won't be. And a lot of us feel incredibly alienated by what seems like an already mommy-focused shift in feminism.

And from there battle ensues. Sigh.

I don't have children and I read MOMocrats because it is home to some seriously smart, impressively well researched, kick-ass political writing not because I think they have any superior perspective as mothers. As far as I'm concerned, being a mother confers you with superior insight on precisely one issue: how to raise your children. That said, I am in awe of the communities moms who blog have created and the support they give each other through sharing their familiar stories. I will read some parenting blogs for the amazing writing or because I know the mother in real life. But for the most part, I don't generally read blogs that focus on parenting issues because, though I have cared for children and there are children in my life whom I love dearly, I am not a mother and it's just not my tribe nor is it one I ever anticipate joining.

However, becoming a parent, I am quite certain, gives one a different view on life and on issues that affect her and her family. Will women who are mothers bring that view to their writing about feminism, policy and any other topics they might discuss on their blogs? I hope so. Our life experiences whether they are shaped by gender, economics, race, religion or parenting status and how we got there make our voices unique. And we are well served to seek out diverse views and approaches rather than a monolith. As Julie points out in the comments to her post examining Nona's article:

MOMocrats obviously tends to skew towards moms, but by no means do we exclude for moms only. We include DADocrats and FRIENDocrats, too. I have a Facebook category called COOLocrats. :) We've got all sorts of honorary MOMocrats.

The ultimate idea, in my mind, and I think in most MOMocrat minds, is that we want people to understand where moms are coming from, where we hope to go, and how we are going to drive the national conversation to get there (to be pithy).

As Steph said, your frame of reference does shift once you become a parent (mom or dad).

As I said, and as you said, the key is to build our allies---which we have done, including all sorts, such as even single, childless men!---and so if you ask me? You aren't just welcome here, but welcome aboard!

The shared status of being a mother does not lead to all mothers thinking alike and sharing identical views on politics, policy, parenting or justice. Sonia Sotomayor will bring a unique perspective as a divorced, Catholic, Latina non-mom raised in the projects by a widowed single mother. However, I suspect she will have much more in common in her role on the Supreme Court with the late Thurgood Marshall than does Clarence Thomas even though they shared a common background as black men raised in the segregated south.

Some were up in arms over President Obama's desire to choose a nominee who is capable of empathy, i.e. understanding that her rulings have very real consequences for the lives of real people and not limiting themselves to an abstract academic and theoretical lens. Now that Sonia Sotomayor has been selected there are those who are disappointed she is not a mother and those, like the commenter who kicked off this post, who believe it disqualifies her from the bench. Perhaps, as Derek Thompson writes for The Atlantic in "Sonia Sotomayor and the Economics of Gender":

[Y]ou might ask, what does this have to do with Sotomayor, who has no children?...

[W]hen Sotomayor says things like this -- "I simply do not know exactly what that difference will be in my judging. But I accept there will be some based on my gender and my Latina heritage" -- it's very easy to label her an scourge of identity politics, but it's more accurate to call her self-assessment honest.

As a non-mother I support and advocate family friendly policies in the workplace that benefit parents as well as non-parents. I might need the Family Medical Leave Act someday to care for an aging parent. Guaranteed paid sick leave should be universal as became incredibly apparent during the recent swine flu scare. If another flu pandemic should come one day, I want sick people to stay home as the CDC directed and not show up so they won't get fired or because they cannot afford to miss a day's pay and infect a workplace. Unfortunately nearly half of workers do not have access to paid sick leave. And that parents can use sick leave time to care for their children, too? Well, fantastic. I want universal healthcare because I believe it is a human right not a profit center despite my supposedly selfish, childfree, un-empathetic, narrow parochial view. In the meantime, though moms in Congress are raising the issue, discriminatory gender-based health insurance pricing affects me as well as moms. Being a parent does not automatically make you unselfish nor does it give you superior willingness or ability to advocate for policies that seek to respect all human beings. And not being a mother does not automatically imbue you with a lack of interest in or ability and desire to advocate for policies in the workplace or the world that benefit parents and children.

When I worked for Kraft Foods in a division led by Ann Fudge, I was inspired by her perspective that everybody should take needed time off be that for parents to spend time with their children, for partners to build their relationship or singles to seek a relationship, build a family or find community. She recognized that we are people beyond our desks and that no play makes for dull workers no matter their relationship or family status.

Besides we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. The very awesome Joan Blades, who is a force in the creation of MomsRising.org, notes that: "It is not right that a single mother makes sixty cents to an equally qualified man's dollar or for a mother to be 79% less likely to be offered a job than a woman that is not a mom." Perhaps this is because women without children are perceived as willing to be chained to their desk and not make pesky requests for time off. But then there's this lovely bit of news:

Research conducted over six years shows that far from bosses and colleagues always being suspicious of a working mother, the opposite is becoming true: it is the childless woman who is regarded as cold and odd.

Well then, I see your cold, odd childless women and raise you a (very slightly) higher unemployment rate for mothers versus women without children. Digging into the numbers, however, reveals that it isn't so much as moms versus non-moms as it is single parents versus married parents and the male parents are often married and the overwhelming majority of single parents are women. So, in other words, no matter how you slice it, patriarchy and ridiculous assumptions about the lives of people and how they should live them trump common sense and the recognition that companies who treat people as humans and not cogs in a machine tend to be more productive and profitable. And you don't have to be a parent to see the folly in ignoring that.

As every one of us has a mother, I think we can all appreciate that motherhood can be difficult, at times thankless and often undervalued, and be grateful to those women who do it well. We all benefit. Sonia Sotomayor pays deep respect to her mother as a strong woman and parent. Motherhood should be celebrated and respected. I understand that a mother will almost certainly have a differently-tuned perspective than I. However the same is true for a woman dealing with infertility while trying to become a mother and is true for a woman who made a deliberative choice to be child-free and is true for a father and so on. However, being a mother does not confer superior wisdom on any issue (except, again, with some limited exceptions, what is right for you and your child). Woman does not equal mother and mother does not trump woman. Nevertheless, too often non-moms hear "MOMS, MOMS, MOMS - you have no value as a woman unless you have a child!" And too often moms hear "you've lost your brain and value as a person beyond raising a child!" No surprise that people can get defensive and overinflate the worth of their status. Still, is it too much to ask for that "moms vs. non-moms" be less of an issue and that there be more respect for our differences in circumstance and choice?

Related Reading:

fem2.0 twittercast: feminism is where you are/what you do

Cynematic says:

"No matter where we are in our respective life cycles–raising children or choosing to be childfree, a young adult or older woman, mother to boys or girls, caretaker of the generations before you–if you’re a feminist, you’ve probably brought that sensibility with you to your activism....

Let’s move off labels, identities, and the preconceptions that can come attached to those. Let’s find as many different feminisms as we can through the kinds of way it’s practiced."

Pamela Jeanne at Open Salon: The Non-Mom View of Mother's Day

Non-moms do not represent a unified voting block, as evidenced by the 46 responses to my recent request for non-mom perspectives about Mother's Day on HARO. Much of the differences in opinion stemmed from the circumstances that led to being a non-mom (e.g. those who chose not to have children vs. those who wanted children but weren't able to).

Sure there are some -- yours truly being one -- who find the over-the-top mommy marketing palooza hard to stomach, but other non-moms take a more zen-like, whatever approach. Where we can all agree, though, is around the idea that all women -- not just mothers -- deserve a nod for all they do for their families, communities and the world at large. Here, in their own words, are more thoughts from non-moms on Mother's Day.

Lindsay L. at the Philadelphia Moms Blog: The Non-Mom Judgment - How Pink & Princesses are Bringing Down Feminism

A couple weeks ago, the blogosphere was a buzz with the conversation about what happens to women when they become moms. Do they become more fulfilled, lead a life with more purpose, become a better person, etc? Something I know for sure- I am smarter now that I’m a mom. Well smarter about one thing and one thing only- about actually being a mom. That’s probably not a revelation, but what needs to be pointed out is those that aren’t moms needn’t pretend they know the first thing about being one....

My point I guess is that IF there are any non-moms actually reading this post, think before you “speak.” Before you judge that mom with the flippant kids in the grocery store or the raucous family at the restaurant, know that you just DON’T know.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles blogs about stuff that interests her and also happens not to be a mom at PopConsumer.

]]> On Mad Men, Women in the Advertising Industry, Diversity, Mentors and Balance: BlogHer Talks to Deutsch CEO Linda Sawyer http://www.blogher.com/mad-men-women-advertising-industry-diversity-mentors-and-balance-blogher-talks-deutsch-ceo-linda-saw 2009-05-26T12:12:31-05:00 2009-05-26T12:12:31-05:00 Maria Niles Earlier this year, Advertising Age magazine named its Agency A-List wherein it recognized what they considered the best advertising agencies in 2008 based on key criteria including innovation, effectiveness and growth. Ad Age illustrated the article announcing the selection of the A-List with a group portrait of the leaders of the selected agencies.

]]> Earlier this year, Advertising Age magazine named its Agency A-List wherein it recognized what they considered the best advertising agencies in 2008 based on key criteria including innovation, effectiveness and growth. Ad Age illustrated the article announcing the selection of the A-List with a group portrait of the leaders of the selected agencies. BlogHer Toby Bloomberg took notice of the illustration on her blog, Diva Marketing:


Illustrator: Robin Eley

Take a look at the composition of the illustration. Power house men in dark suites many holding drinks appear very much the good old boys club. While Ms Sawyer sits demurely to the lower left in a sweet sleeveless shift with her hands politely folded in her lap like a good school girl. She seems squeezed out of the frame .. an after thought that off balances the picture.

Or .. did I get it wrong? Was Ad Age just having some fun spoofing one of its most prestigious honors .. the Agency A-List with an illustration based on the TV show Mad Men about advertising set in the 1960's? Did Ms. Sawyer think that her spot in the illustration was no big deal but part of the joke where she seemed more secretary than CEO?

Ad Age: A Spoof to Mad Men or A Dish To Women?

Linda Sawyer commented:

I am proud that Ad Age chose Deutsch for its prestigious A-List. As part of the publication's concept to showcase the top 10 agencies, it used the trendy Mad Men theme to illustrate the point that as much as things may have changed since 1961, much has not. The illustration was conceived by Ad Age and there was never a photo session or approval process, nor does it reflect the way I dress. If Ad Age was trying to highlight the void and lack of diversity, I am happy to help.

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Deutsch CEO, Linda Sawyer, who, as CEO of one of the winning A-List agencies, appears in the illustration that Toby Bloomberg blogged about. In our interview we discuss her thoughts on the controversial image, diversity in the advertising industry, mentors and balance. Ms. Sawyer's generosity with her time and thoughtful insight and wisdom make for an interview well worth your listening time.


Run time: 27:30

After listening, I hope you'll share your thoughts about the Ad Age illustration, how and why to increase gender and ethnic diversity in industries such as advertising, the role of mentoring in the careers of women and how to reach work-life balance.

Related Reading:

Advertising Age: Agency A-List

Rupal Parekh at Advertising Age: Agency A-List 2008: Deutsch

Toby Bloomberg at Diva Marketing Blog: Ad Age: A Spoof to Mad Men or A Dish To Women?

Sonia Alleyne at Black Enterprise (2003): A commercial success: Ann Fudge takes the helm as the first African American to head a major advertising agency

Julie Bosman at The New York Times (2005): WPP Executive Resigns Over Remarks on Women

Carol Evans, the chief executive of Working Mother Media and the president of the Advertising Women of New York, said Mr. French's comments were emblematic of reigning attitudes within the industry. "There's still rampant sexism in our business," she said. "I think there is a problem in women creatives not getting the spotlight, not getting the recognition, and then getting bashed like that is a bad statement about the state of advertising."

BlogHer CE Megan Smith: "Mad Men" and Their Mad, Glad, Sad, Bad Women

Francine Hardaway at BlogHer: Mad Men: A Woman's View

Deborah at Girl W/ Pen! Do Women's Gains Mean Men's Losses? NOT!

Catalyst: Expanding opportunities for women and business: Engaging Men in Gender Initiatives: What Change Agents Need to Know

Elisa Camahort Page at Worker Bees Blog: This "Humorless Feminist" is filled with ennui

Liz Rizzo at Everyday Goddess: A Call for Diversity in Web TV

Carmen VanKerckhove at BlogHer: Diversity training doesn't work. Here's why.

BlogHer CE Virginia DeBolt: A TeleSummit for Women Who Tech, A Tipping Point for Women in Tech? Here's hoping. and Men are from Science, Women are from Fashion and Style

BlogHer CE Leslie Madsen Brooks: Science Medley: Now with more (hope for) diversity in science

dnlee5 at BlogHer: Diversity in Science - Celebrating Women Achievers in Science

BlogHer CE Suzanne Reisman: Women of the Op-Ed Page

BlogHer posts: Business & Career: Balance

BlogHer CE Paula Gregorowicz: The Art of Finding a Mentor and Finding Balance in Your Life and Business

BlogHer CE Elana Centor: Study Says Women Need Role Models More Than Men. Really?

BlogHer CE Rita Arens: Balance Is a Big, Fat, Lying Liar Lie for (Especially) Working Parents

Michelle Obama for BlogHer: Our Many Hats

Honeybeast at BlogHer (sponsored by Tropicana): Take the Poll: How (Un)Balanced Is Your Life?

BlogHer CE Maria Niles is a woman who blogs about business at Fizz from ConsumerPop.

]]> I Feel Guilty About My Recession Anxiety http://www.blogher.com/i-feel-guilty-about-my-recession-anxiety 2009-05-22T00:43:53-05:00 2009-05-22T10:29:19-05:00 Maria Niles As I write this I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive, a television to watch, a phone to talk on, a computer and a connection to the internet. Those facts alone mean that I am one of the wealthiest people on the planet. Nevertheless, the recession and my personal economic circumstances lead me to feelings of anxiety and fear. And I feel guilty about that.

I am not alone.

]]> As I write this I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive, a television to watch, a phone to talk on, a computer and a connection to the internet. Those facts alone mean that I am one of the wealthiest people on the planet. Nevertheless, the recession and my personal economic circumstances lead me to feelings of anxiety and fear. And I feel guilty about that.

I am not alone.

With economic damage expected to last months or years, such reactions are becoming common, experts say. Anxiety, depression and stress are troubling people everywhere, many not suffering significant economic losses, but worrying they will or simply reacting to pervasive uncertainty.

There are two schools of thought. One is that we create this anxiety by giving stories of pain and hardship power through dwelling and focusing on difficulty, lack, past performance and future failure. The media by serving up an endless stream of doom and gloom leads even people who are economically stable, who haven't been brought to the brink, feel obligated to stress over the possibility that their fate might twist for the worse. We are told that we should be grateful (don't get me wrong, gratitude is good) rather than whining, navel gazing and feeling sorry for ourselves. Consider the fact that many in higher-income groups feel that they can't afford to give and the poor are the most generous among us:

"When you have just a little, you're thankful for what you have," Jones said, "but with every step you take up the ladder of success, the money clouds your mind and gets you into a state of never being satisfied."

The other school tells us that sharing our stories is liberating. Honesty is freeing and opens the door to move past the pain and towards proactive action.

Sharing worries with people experiencing similar stress can help.

Many therapists encourage people to write down their worries and responsibilities before they go to bed, which can keep them from dwelling on them while they are trying to sleep.

Unfortunately the belief that we must not, should not, will not think these thoughts coupled with the judgments we and others heap upon us if we dare to share, many of us feel guilty about feeling bad about our circumstances and rarely share what is going on and how we are feeling with our friends, our families, our neighbors or our blog readers.

And that is the real shame.

Yes, for any of us there is someone who is worse off. Yes, many of our fears can be maddening to admit or hear because of recognition that they are unrealistic. Yes, it is easy to feel like any pain we experience is justified because we should have done it all differently. But so what?

How can we be honest not only with ourselves, let alone those who care for and love us if we bury our pain rather than speak it? Suze Orman believes that honesty, honesty plus sharing, is the best policy:

"I knew I was nothing more than one financial liar, and that nobody had a clue what was going on behind the financial mask,” [Orman] told me. “If I was going to turn my life around, I had to do it with honesty.” She started calling her closest friends and, like an addict in recovery, confessed to one after the other the truth of her situation.

Not only does honesty about the truth of your situation allow you to begin to move past it, it allows others in to give you support. And it can it can give crucial support to others still terrified to admit their reality, allowing them to exhale.

I am not there yet, ready to speak and release my fear. I work on my stuff, controlling what I can, not living in the past, laughing through the pain, and not complaining about my circumstances.

But there is still pain, fear, resistance and shame. Money is a taboo topic in our culture. And if you dare to raise the subject there will be someone (perhaps many someones) who will come along to attempt to diminish you, to judge you. To stand in the face of that requires that we let other people own their stories.

In the meantime, while I'm getting there, I am inspired by and in awe of those who are sharing their stories. What a gift. Thank you.

Has the economic situation left you feeling anxious? Do you feel guilty about that? Have you blogged or talked about your situation? What benefits came from opening up? Have you been moved by reading someone's story? Please share any links in the comments so we can continue to open up and work on surviving and healing as a community.

Sharing Stories:

AnissaM. at Peyton's Hope Page: Talking with Katie Couric about the "Children of the Recession"

You know what? During that phone call I sat there and felt bad.

Guilty.

Here’s a conference call of women talking about the economy and the kids hit hardest by it and for the most part, I’m betting every one of those women, myself included, can’t even fathom what it’s like to be in the position of those truly hit the hardest.

Because you know what? Bloggers generally don’t come from the lowest end of the income bracket.

When you’re driving away from the home you’ve just lost, I’m sure the last thing you’re worried about is making sure you posted at least three times this week.

The homeless don’t Twitter.

Humiliated people applying for government aid for the first time aren’t complaining they don’t have an IPhone.

A woman trying desperately to feed her kids isn’t updating her Facebook status.

The dad scrambling numbers to see if he can afford to take his sick child to the doctor isn’t thinking about whether his social networking footprint is “branding” him sufficiently.

The Breadline: A Blog of Reduced Circumstances and Gallows Humor
On The Breadline: Becky Bosshart

Bosshart, of Las Vegas, was an online reporter for the Las Vegas Sun. She was laid off in April, just a week before the paper won a Pulitzer Prize for its investigative reporting.

The first week, I was a bit anxious. Especially when I think about my $750 rent and my $250 car payment. I’ve decided to take it one month at a time. I have the money this month (thanks to some savings I had stocked away for just such a thing), so, I’m okay for May. I just have to think of it that way. And I talk to other friends who were laid off. We talk each other off cliffs. We’re a part of history. And like history, “This, too, shall pass.”

Recessionwire

A party, wine, conversations about layoffs—it was so very holiday ‘08. It was also where Lynn Parramore, a freelance writer who had lost several gigs to the downturn, and Laura Rich and Sara Clemence, who had just been laid off from Condé Nast Portfolio, decided to turn misfortune into opportunity. Inspired to capture the stories and improve the lives of urban professionals who, like them, were getting effed by the economy, they founded a website in early 2009. And that’s how Recessionwire was born–as a pop-up site™, ready and willing to die.

CityMama™: In this economy, love thy neighbor

What I am saying is that now more than ever, I think we need to pay close attention to our community. Be aware of who might be struggling alone. Check in with our neighbors just as that woman whom I don't even know was doing for me and everyone in my spiritual community. We shouldn't be afraid to ask our friends if everything is okay. We shouldn't be afraid to say, "No, it's not."

Her Bad Mother: (No) Money Changes Everything

I've written about abortion and depression and my relationship with my psychiatrist. I've written about perineal tears and my boobs and nursing another woman's child. I've written about pretty much every uncomfortable thing that there is to write about, and yet it is this post that I don't know how to begin. It is this post that I am reluctant to write. It is this post that will, I know, make me cringe in shame.

But I'm still going to write it. Because I need to say it - write it - out loud. I need to not be ashamed, and confessing shame is the only means I know to fighting shame. So.

We are - my family is - struggling financially. I know; who isn't? There's a recession going on. Everybody is feeling the pinch. Everybody is clucking about how tight things are, how precarious things seem, how challenging it all is. Everybody is worried. But that doesn't make it any less embarrassing for me to admit that I am worried. I am worried. And a little bit ashamed. Because aren't my husband and I supposed to be grown-ups? Aren't we supposed to ensure that everything is always okay? Aren't we supposed to be able to protect our family from the dark forces of fear and anxiety and indebtedness? Aren't we supposed to be able to always, and under any circumstances, provide?

PastaQueen: Recession is a nine-letter word for "fear"

I know I will survive. I have plenty of family, most of whom I am on speaking terms with. We will support each other and prevent one another from living in the gutter and giving tours of Indianapolis. During the Great Depression my great-grandmother sold cinnamon rolls to make money and we still have the recipe. We will get by. But the future is uncertain. Perhaps the future has always been uncertain, but it's only now that it has taken off its mask to let us stare it in the face.

Dealing With Recession Anxiety:

Patricia Stark at Huffington Post: Confidence Killers

Many people who lack confidence use dishonesty to cover insecurity, lack of ability, and to protect their ego. The problem with dishonesty is that you subconsciously live in fear of being found out. Everything you do is built on a shaky foundation. It's almost impossible to be dishonest and feel good about yourself, unless you are really good at fooling even yourself. Dishonesty is like a beach ball being held under water, once your wet hand slips off, it's going to surface for all to see, and, boy, does it make a splash! When you have a clear conscience, you can stand up to the toughest challenge and the toughest people.

Therese J. Borchard at Beyond Blue at Beliefnet: Recession Anxiety: 8 Tips To Manage Financial Stress

Think Simple Now: Overcome Fear in the Economic Crisis

I left my day job four months ago, and now rely on income from various investments. Interestingly, the majority of my investments are in the stock market. When the market crashed this year, I watched as my portfolio declined by as much as 50%. It is still below 50%.

Suddenly, my hard earned, frugally saved, carefully budgeted savings appeared to have been chopped in half. Given that I don’t have guaranteed income, I am a single woman, and my net worth just declined significantly, conventional wisdom would say that I should be worried. I should be freaking out! But I’m not. I’m pretty happy, actually.

Why?

BlogHer CE Maria Niles has a goal of living fearless. Baby steps. Until then you can read her personal blog PopConsumer.

]]> How To Make Your Dreams Come True http://www.blogher.com/how-make-your-dreams-come-true 2009-05-16T20:02:00-05:00 2009-05-16T20:04:23-05:00 Maria Niles Once you've figured out what your dream, purpose or passion is, the next step is figuring out how to make that dream come true. It might seem impossible but specific step-by-step examples by those who have made even the wildest dreams come true show us not only that it can be done but how exactly dreams can come true.

]]> Once you've figured out what your dream, purpose or passion is, the next step is figuring out how to make that dream come true. It might seem impossible but specific step-by-step examples by those who have made even the wildest dreams come true show us not only that it can be done but how exactly dreams can come true.

In another life I was a talent scout (A&R rep) in the music business. In a lot of ways it was a dream job inside a dream factory. Starting at a very young age, I wanted to work in the music business. I worked in record stores, managed bands, toyed around with starting my own label, took voice lessons, started bands, saw live music nearly every night, found a mentor to guide me in learning how to create music videos and had all sorts of cool internships and crappy fringe jobs in between for years. Along the way I set my sights on becoming a top A&R rep. And I made it, sort of.

I made it to the bottom rung of the A&R ladder before I jumped off. Nevertheless, I made it to the point of having a job that fewer than a hundred people in the country had, and very few of them women. I got paid to listen to music, something which I paid to do before it became my job. That is the very essence of a dream job - getting paid to do what you would do even if you didn't make a dime.

My dream job was to help other people make their dreams come true. Getting a record deal is the dream of many aspiring professional musicians. That's a dream that can come true. And not only can it come true, it can come true in a spectacular fashion resulting in stardom, groupies, millions of dollars and an appearance on MTV Cribs.

However, getting a record deal is a dream I try to dissuade most artists from pursing. Why? because it focuses on a specific outcome that is largely unattainable and out of their control. That was my lesson learned in pursuit of my dream job. It's not about the specific outcome it's about using your talents and living your purpose.

I have a friend and mentor from my music business days who is one of the few people I know still in the industry. He did many of the same things I did but unlike me he didn't limit himself to one specific job. He kept trying different things that allowed him to discover artists and new music and introduce it to the world - much the same as what I loved about A&R. However instead of working for a major label, he is now a DJ (after starting as a volunteer) for one of the most renowned public radio stations known for launching new music. He has cool musicians come to his show to be interviewed and he shares his music finds with fans around the world (thank you internet streaming). And that's just his part-time weekend job. His main gig is running his own company as a music supervisor where he picks the music you hear in films and TV shows like Dexter, House and Six Feet Under. Oh, and by the way, he is also now a Grammy nominee.

My point is he didn't set out to be a Grammy nominee and focus on that singular pursuit. Rather he focused on his passion and talent and created his dream life. That, my dear readers, is how you make your dreams come true. Even your wildest dreams.

While stories of Jim Carrey dreaming of becoming a movie star and writing himself a $10 million check which he manifested doubled, becoming a movie star is a dream that is largely out of your control. Becoming a working actor, however, is. Jenna Fischer who plays Pam on the US version of The Office tells us how.

I thought being an actor meant being famous. But, most actors aren't recognizable. It's funny. I watch TV in a whole new way now. Like, I watch a show and I see the person who has 3 lines on Law and Order and I think, "Their family is gathered around the TV flipping out right now. I bet that was a huge deal for that person!" There are so many actors that make a living by doing support work on shows. I was that person for many years. For me to stay in this business, it had to be okay if I was never recognized. I learned that I loved the craft of acting more than the idea of being famous.

You have to figure out if your dream of becoming a movie star is a desire to act, to become rich, or to receive some form of external validation or approval. If it is to act, you can earn a living in many ways other than being a movie star. If you want to get rich or be validated there are many other ways to achieve those goals. But if you want to become a working actor, Jenna Fischer's blog post is generous, open and, best of all, specific. Go read, learn, and enjoy.

Another popular dream is to become a best selling author. The chances that you can make the dream of becoming the next J.K. Rowling come true are zero even if you are an unemployed single mother with a big imagination. That is because the role of J.K. Rowling is already cast. However, if you are a writer who needs to write like they need to breathe, you can write a book and it can be published. That is a dream you can achieve if you choose even if the dream journey doesn't come with an agent, a major publishing house and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

BlogHer CE Melissa Ford shares her journey to becoming a published author and what her alternate paths were in case the first did not work out. Like, Jenna Fischer, Melissa Ford gives you specific step-by-step advice and links. Want to publish your book? Read this post.

I will admit that due to my background (MFA degree where going the traditional route is drilled into your mind) and the fact that I had a decently strong platform, I went with traditional publishing as my Plan A. My Plan B was self-representation for a limited amount of time. And my Plan C was self-publishing. This book was getting out there one way or another...

Travel writing and food writing are two other popular havens for dreamers. I know from traveling with a travel writer that travel writing is not getting paid to vacation. Similarly I suspect that the allure of food writing is the perception that it is getting paid to cook or eat. Nope. Recognize that word "writing" in the description? That is what you are getting paid to do. The research part can involve fun and vacation good times but it is also often not so glam activites like touring hotel rooms with a PR person pitching you for hours along the way. Then you go back to your hotel room and bang out pages for hours, get a bit of sleep, get up, spend precious advance dollars on room service breakfast, check out, move to a new hotel, lather, rinse, repeat. Glamorous, eh?

Still not deterred? Love to write and are passionate about travel or food? Here is some practical advice for you:

A few weeks ago I received an interesting piece of mail. It said, “Launch your dream career as a travel writer today and get paid to travel the world.” All I had to do was sign up for an expensive correspondence course on travel writing. After that I could expect such rewards as “a complimentary week on an exotic Asian island” or a luxury vacation in Cancun “with airfare and all expenses paid.” The breathless come-on letter asked, “Why not live on permanent vacation?”

Why not indeed? Get paid to travel the world and live a life of leisure. What could be more glamorous?

Before you fall for it, remember that it is also glamorous to be a rock star, a best-selling novelist, or a starter for the Lakers. It’s not so glamorous, however, to be an aspiring actor (waiter) in Los Angeles, an aspiring songwriter (waiter) in Nashville, or an aspiring novelist (waiter) in New York. It may sound silly to compare travel writers like Tim Cahill or Jeff Greenwald to celebrities such as Tom Cruise and Stephen King, but the odds of getting to that level of success are just as daunting. The big difference is that when you do get to that upper echelon of travel writers, you’re still not making nearly as much money as the lowest-paid bench warmer in the NBA.

Just as plugging in a Stratocaster doesn’t make you a rock star, writing tales about your travels is not going to make you a travel writer. Like any position where supply far exceeds demand, you’ll need to follow the right steps and then pay your dues. It’s not going to happen overnight.

As a service to any beginning travel writers out there who are ready for the real story, here are the seven biggest myths of travel writing and the dirt on what to it will take to defy the odds.

The Seven Myths of Being a Travel Writer by Tim Leffel

Bottom line: don’t write if you can help it, and don’t write expecting to make money. The only really good reason to write is because you have to. To those who physically must write, I urge you to write daily, at the same time of day, producing the same amount of words. Read continually, look outward rather than inward, and do all you can to convey your own passions directly and honestly and completely to strangers.

On Food Writing by Michael Ruhlman

Now that I've pounded you over the head with the same message, get the gist? Have you achieved a dream, pursued your passion, are you living your purpose? Do you have any specific advice on achieving the goal? Please share your experience or any links you know of in the comments. Or if you are seeking suggestions on making a dream control, feel free to share it in the comments and maybe someone can offer ideas or point you to resources.

Related Reading:

The Healthy Librarian at Happy Healthy Long Life: The Secret To Success: Do Something You Love, Practice A Lot, Pay Attention & Get Feedback

MTV's Made (warning: video with audio auto-plays at this link) showcases teens reaching for outlandish goals in short periods of time and vividly illustrates many of the challenges that come with making a dream come true: fear, resistance, lack of support, loss and change. It also showcases the many rewards that come in the process and that dreams can come true. Even though it is about teens there are lessons for all of us at any age.

I just watched you on MTV. I'm not your typical teen - I'm actually a 49 y/o mom. I just wanted to say - I thought what you did was awesome. You should be sooo proud of your self for what you have achieved. I'm sure if you looked in the mirror now you would have no problems finding more than 3 things that you Love about yourself. Keep it up, you'll go far! This is the first time I have commented on anything like this.

BlogHer member jheat: My Dream Come True

SusieJ: How To Make A Dream Come True

New Year’s Resolutions have good intentions, but are too harsh and restrictive to survivelife1.jpg the 365-day mark. Dreams, require no willpower, are much more enticing, and naturally hold your focus throughout a year. There’s nothing quite like a well-crafted dream to help you replace bad habits with new ones. No dream is worth having unless it can come true – and most do, usually when we least expect it. Here are 13 steps to making your dreams come true.

Karen at Fab Grandma: When Dreams Come True

Since I was 12 years old, I have dreamed about working and living at the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Even before I knew that jobs could be had that would actually let you live inside of the national park, even before I knew how to go about applying for one of those jobs, I have longed to go there.

A little over a year later, Karen writes: I Think We're Ready, The Park Opens Tomorrow

Finally training is over! It has been three weeks for me--the first week getting everything ready, then two weeks of actual classroom and hands on stuff. Training always exhausts me, because you have to be alert and paying attention all day long. Yesterday when we finished up, we still had a couple of hours, so we drove up to Point Imperial. It is one of the most scenic parts of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. Here I am, hanging out at 8803 feet:

Kiwiwriter at Write to Travel: My year of getting published

I am a freelance writer living in New Zealand. For years I have been saying I want to write for a living, but have never really done anything about it. Until now.

thatlesleygirl at 43 Things: How to be a professional musician

First I gotta make it clear that I'm not a gigging musician. So I didn't end up being the next Kelly Clarkson (yet), but I managed to impress someone at a theater program for kids and they hired me to be their Summer music director. I got to write about 12 musicals, so that's about 50 songs (I had never written more than like, one song in my life before that), and it really kicked me into gear....

So I guess my professional musical career is veering down the musical theater path for now. I'll be excited to see where it goes from there. Right now it's still a side venture, but I'm just excited to see how things happen. I'm trying to stop controlling my life and letting life take me where it's supposed to go.

Ariel Hyatt at Disc Makers: iTunes Success in 12 steps

Was this process easy? No. It took solid dedication, trial and error, and a hell of a lot of time invested, but Making April managed to be one of the top selling bands at iTunes in 2007 and they beat a vast majority of artists signed to major labels.

I think this is a phenomenal and an inspirational story and one that teaches us lots of lessons. From my experience, musicians tend to give up too easily and lose focus, and then become defeated and give up. Making April proves that with a plan and some dedication, you can get very far with the tools available to anyone who wants to give it a go.

BlogHer CE Maria Niles is hatching some new dreams. In the meantime you can read her personal blog PopConsumer.

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