Possible Solution : Move back to SF where all of my friends live to be closer to them, and to work.
]]>Possible Solution : Move back to SF where all of my friends live to be closer to them, and to work.
Last month I told my housemate I wanted to move back to the city in March or April for the above stated reasons. She was planning to move to Hawaii to go to school so she was down with it. Today she told me she is moving out the end of January, and my heart sank. I wasn't expecting this reaction, especially since I was planning to move, but I love my apartment, and I'm afraid to leave.
I have experienced unprecedented amounts of loss this year: loss of a kid sister I was raising on my own, loss of a job, loss of health, money, a few possible relationships, and the only thing I've had to console me through all of it is my beautiful, peaceful apartment. And although logistically speaking moving makes so much sense, I feel really torn.
First of all there is the fact that my kid sister still comes by my house unexpectadly and I have given her and her girlfriend permission to use my house to be here alone with each other. Its really pretty sweet to see two lesbian youth finding love and sex in a space that supports them in their exploration. For their one month anniversary my sister laid out candles all along the hallway and then formed a heart out of the candles on the table. A messy yet romantic gesture that warmed my "old" lesbian heart.
Then there are my neighbors. I have hired one of the adorable boys and his grandmother who live down my street to walk my dog for me. Its my way of providing a beautiful kid with a way to earn money and learn about econmic freedom. Plus he adores Moxy and can't have a dog of his own, and I love seeing him with her. Also, I know 10 of the people who live in my building and I adore them. My across the hall neighbor is one of my top friends on my myspace.
I also have the coolest bathroom I have ever seen in a rental. Its all black and white tile with a huge bathtub that I over use. My space is serene and minimal and gorgeous. I also live in a cool neighborhood right off the lake in Oakland with an amazing farmers market on Saturdays. I can walk to the markets, to the movies, and to get a mani pedi almost as good as at my favorite salon in the city. What I don't have are my friends.
So what is a commuting, dog owning, guitar playing, needs to get my groove thang on with my friends girl gonna do? I'm getting older and somehow it seems like that should play apart in this decision making quandry, but I'm not sure how. I could make the argument that because I'm getting older I should move back to the city while I'm still young enough to enjoy it. The other part of me is afraid that the party won't stop and I will kill myself trying to work, do music, be with my family, and maybe try to have a love life. And still a part of me is crying out for some fun.
I would love some feedback, suggestions, or maybe you have the know on a really awesome, warm place in the city opening up in the not to distant future and might like to let me in the know about it.
Peace.
]]>She wasn't an easy mom. She yelled a lot and wasn't fond of cleaning up after me, but the gifts she gave me are more then I can ever thank her for. Like my love for music. She used to sing to me all the time, and would make up silly little songs. She told me stories about the milky way, and would point out all the different star constellations in the sky. She used big words, and respected me enough to know that I would understand them. She taught me to read before I learned in school, and she told me I should be a philosopher when I grew up because she listened to what I had to say and found wisdom there. She also said lots of crazy mean things, but she was honest enough to let me know she was a little crazy and she actually asked me to tell her all the mean things she ever said to me so she could take responsibility for them. Then she listened to what I said and apologized.
She and I don't spend a whole lot of time together mostly because we're both so independent, but when I talk with her on the phone I feel connected with her in a way that no one on the planet makes me feel connected. She tells me beautiful things about myself, and because she was brave enough to tell me the truth regardless of how hard it was for her, I believe the things she says.
She raised me a warrior in a world where people don't stand up for what they believe. She may have hit me, but she taught me how not to get hit by other people, learning how to navigate the paths that would lead to her anger taught me to step lightly on other peoples boundaries. And because I could speak my mind to her and bring her to her self again when no one else could, I learned that I can bring peace to otherwise chaotic situations. Because I can actually do these things I have also learned to take responsibility for times when I don't .
She taught me to tell the truth no matter how much it hurts. The truth is an amazingly powerful force when used with good intention. The reason for this is that humans know when we're being lied to. The only reason it looks like we don't is that for many of us believing in something other then the truth is so much easier. When we actually hear the truth however it cuts like a knife through all of the bullshit we like to live in, and I've actually seen it leave people stunned to silence.
Here is the truth about mothers.
They are our path to knowing who we really are. They hold the maps inside their heads to the greatness living within each of us. They have worked harder then any other person will ever work just so that we can be, and when life gets hard we hate them for bringing us here. They will never get the credit they deserve for being the gods that they are because our fathers distract us from our mother's greatness mostly because they live in fear of our mother's power. Or we have extraordinary fathers who bless the ground they walk on and the groud that we walk on, in which case balance is being restored to this planet one father at a time. The truth about fathers is they all wish they could be mothers.
We should honor our mothers regardless of the pain we think they may have caused us because I can guarantee it is nothing compared to the pain we cause them.
That is the truth about moms.
Addendum: My mother asked me to include that the reason she acted so crazy for so many years is that she had a horrible thyroid imbalance that mimicked bi-polarism and she was misdiagnosed for a very long time.
]]>I'm thinking right now about relationship. Mostly the relationship we have with ourselves and how that manifests into our relationship with life. I took all these courses a few years ago that sat me for days in a room with hundreds of other people, and we were all looking at ourselves and trying to understand some fundamental truths about the human condition in order to improve our lives. What I got out of the thousands of dollars worth of courses and hours/years spent in this exploration and then years of meditation and reading on these subjects is this:
1.Everyone is afraid all the time: What we are afraid of will differ depending on the person and their background, but if you can come at any situation from the stand point that people are basically fearful then you can calm down and be with almost any situation that is occuring. And its not that you want to assume or pretend that you know that people are afraid, but if you can presume that the underlying factor for any strange, distant, or eratic behavior is probably fear then you can focus yourself on not taking this behavior personally, and move past it. When I realized that other people are just as afraid of me as I used to be of them, it gave me the ability to really be with people in a genuine and compasionate manner and it really shifted how I regard people in general.
2. Loving yourself is the most powerful mechanism on the planet: The truth is most people don't love themselves. They focus all their time and energy on trying to make other people love them. If you can actually get through all the bullshit that keeps you from loving yourself, and forgive yourself for all the dumbass things that you have done or that you do, then people will naturally love you. The work isn't about trying to find how to make people love you, its about uncovering why you don't love yourself.
3. You can't give what you don't got: I used to go around thinking I could help people. Thinking that other people need your help is a really demorilizing concept because you are basically coming from the assumption that you have something that others do not. I was able to get over my addiction to helping others when I realized that I had no ability to help myself. To give you an example: when I was diagnosed with exhaustion and finally had my house to myself and some money to live off of so I could actually rest and heal, I had this intense desire to move my mother up to my house for a month so I could take care of her, thusly avoiding my own needs, and really continuing to hurt myself. This is when I realized my own insane need to find other people around me who were hurting more then me, just so I could feel some disgusting sense of power by being better then them. Totally gross. I forgave myself for this, and forced myself to love myself by taking the month off and giving myself all the love and tenderness I was convinced I could only give to others.
4. Responsibility is Empowering: Living like you own your life is an outrageous and beautiful place to live from. When we act like other people's actions, thoughts, or beliefs about us create our reality, then we loose the ability to be the creators of our own lives. I believe that we each embody god, that there is a divine spirit that is housed within each of us. What this means is that there are no mistakes, and that every moment is perfect just as it is, and that we are always perfect just as we are. This is a really difficult truth to maintain for extended periods of time, but as I grow proficient with it I find that it is shifting my reality and giving me access to understanding the flow of life and energy that I was previously blind to.
I think thats it for now. I should be responsible and get to work on the things I'm getting paid to think about. Thank you for reading, and peace to your evening.
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