When
I was 21, like many 21 year old girls, I thought I would graduate from
college, have some fun, get married and start a family. Bing. Bang.
Boom. Married by 25, first child by 30, happily ever after. Tada! Done.
It never occurred to me to wonder if this was what I really wanted, or
just what I thought I was supposed to want.

I
have never really felt connected to my family. I love them and they
love me, but I never felt like they "got" me. I get many confused or
bemused looks from just about everyone, which is fine, but it left me
craving a place to be, a family of my own. I still want that, just not
in the same way anymore. At the time, though, I thought that meant
husband, kids, dogs and a house.

Then, when I was 27, the 9 year
relationship that I thought was going to transition into marriage,
ended in anger, confusion, and pain on both sides. I sort of floated
about for a while, played at meaningless relationships, but I still
thought I was going to get that family. In fact, I told my sister that
when I had my career going, if I still hadn't met a guy who was
interested in giving it to me, I would just go to a sperm bank and do
it myself. (Yes. I am an idiot occasionally. Okay, more than
occasionally.) (Not that there is anything wrong with this decision,
but it was definitely not a good decision for ME.) Then, about a year
ago, I went through another big break up, not one that I thought was
going to transition into marriage, but one that was very important to
me. Some other things happened that are still too painful to talk about
and I ended up in therapy for a short time. I'm telling you all of this
as the back story for the point of this post, which is this, I am no
longer interested in marriage or children. I love children and I think
marriage works very well for many people, but I do not see myself
joining them.

Now, let me back up a bit and say, I make it a
point to never say never. Got it? I am NOT saying that I will never get
married or have children. I AM saying that it is not something I want
right now and it seems less and less likely as time goes by. This is
why.

My life is relatively uncomplicated. It sometimes resembles
a Lifetime movie or an episode of Jerry Springer (believe me, you don't
want to know) but I, myself, prefer a simple life. My personality comes
into play here, too. I'm never going to be a wife in the traditional
sense of the word, I don't think it's in me. I don't see anything wrong
with that, either. I am supremely absent minded. I recognize that movie
stereotype in myself. I get caught up in projects and deep thoughts and
unimportant things like dishes and vacuuming fall by the way side. I
don't do domestic. Color, design, beautiful things I can do,
remembering to pay bills on time or making sure there is food in the
house to eat, hell, remembering to EAT at all is too much for me. (My
diet secret right there. FORGET TO EAT.) It's a constant struggle for
me to keep on top of every day things like schedules and being
somewhere on time. I accidentally locked my cat out on my balcony for
hours. Twice! Luckily, she's used to my inattention, so other than
verbally letting me have it for a good half an hour, she was fine.
(Yes, she yelled at me. I have no idea what she was saying, but I think
I can imagine the gist of it.) Not that I think I would ever do that
with a child and I've spent lots of time caring for children and
infants, but it does make me hesitate to get a dog. ;)

I'm not
getting any pressure from my family to settle down and produce
grandchildren. In fact, I told my Mom last Fall not to expect any
grandchildren from me, that I didn't think it was going to happen any
time soon, probably not at all and she was fine with it. She has one
grandchild, my nephew, who is (ahem) a hand full. She told me that I
should do whatever I think is best. And then I cried. (Have I mentioned
lately how awesome my Mom is?)

None of these decisions have come
about overnight, I've thought long and hard about it and talked,
talked, talked about it with people who are close to me and every time
I say it out loud, it gets a little easier to say and feels a little
more right. So, what does all this nonsense mean, exactly? What do I
want out of my life? I like love and being in love and hope to find
that again someday. I like companionship and would like to have a
roommate in the girl/boy sense of the word again someday. That's pretty
much it at this point. That's all I have room for, all I'm looking for.
Will that ever change? Maybe. Talk to me a few years from now, or after
finding someone special and I may change my mind. Never say never,
right? ;)

Today, though, this is where I am. Really Naked.

Bri

This post can also be found on my blog Under the Arch, part of a weekly series of posts called "Naked Mondays" where I expose a little bit of myself each week. Sometimes it's something silly like my feet, or how much I like skirts, and occasionally I get serious like in this post. Like what you've read? Find more @ Under the Arch.