no_I_am_zoe's blog http://www.blogher.com/blog/22743/atom/feed 2009-02-19T04:44:46-06:00 What Happened to the to Promise to Repeal DADT and DOMA http://www.blogher.com/what-happened-promise-repeal-dadt-and-doma 2009-06-25T05:02:32-05:00 2009-06-26T14:04:52-05:00 no_I_am_zoe There was a brief period of time after I graduated from college, when I considered joining the military. Growing up, I had always had this kind of romantic notion about serving in the Navy. My grandma had always spoken fondly of her days as a Wave, and my dad had lamented the Navy career he never had, thanks to asthma. They planted the military seed in the back of my mind.

]]> There was a brief period of time after I graduated from college, when I considered joining the military. Growing up, I had always had this kind of romantic notion about serving in the Navy. My grandma had always spoken fondly of her days as a Wave, and my dad had lamented the Navy career he never had, thanks to asthma. They planted the military seed in the back of my mind. After graduation I had no real career plan, so when I started getting recruiting letters on a regular basis, promising adventure, a career with a decent salary, and a rather large signing bonus, I gave the military a brief thought. A very brief thought.

Aside from the thought that joining the military would mean that I'd have to leave Betty Please behind to go away for training, and then who knows where I'd be stationed, and for how long, was a much more unbearable thought; my life with Betty Please would have to be a complete and total secret. Forever. And though I was still partially in the closet at the time, I knew there was no way in hell I could live my life, our life, under the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. It's not healthy to live in such secrecy, hiding so much of who you are. I wasn't willing to do it.

But there are those who are willing to serve in secrecy. Who are willing to hide who they are, and who they love. Those who are willing to play the pronoun game, and to dodge conversation. Those who are willing to go to great lengths to make sure their secret never sees the light of day because if it does, they're out. Game over. Do you know how hard it would be to never slip up? And not just at work, but out in civilian life too. You could never be relaxed out on a date because you never know who you might bump into. And what do you do if you do end up in a serious relationship and you want to live together? All it takes is one person to find out and report you, and your career could be over.

Don't Ask Don't Tell was supposed to be a temporary policy, until there was a better policy, that would allow gay men and women to serve in the military as long as they were not openly gay. What we've ended up with is a failed policy that's been around, unchanged for the last 15 years. Since DADT was implimented, more than 13, 000 service members have be discharged. These service members, many of whom have served in combat, lose their pensions, GI bills, access to the VA, and any other benefits they would have received had they not been discharged under DADT.

When President Obama ran for office, one of his campaign promises was to repeal DADT. Yet, since he's been in office 250 GLBT service members have been discharged under the DADT policy. Now I understand that the country is in a giant economic mess, and involved in a fair amount of military action right now, but he has taken no action. And when a case involving DADT was denied a hearing by the United States Supreme Court, the President took no action. During his campaign days, he said that repealing DADT was going to take leadership, so where it that leadership? It's my understanding that by executive order he could put a hold on the enforcement of DADT until Congress reviewed the policy. Is he really too busy to do that?

President Obama's inaction on this issue, as well as a recent statement out of the Obama Justice Department about DOMA (watch Rachel Maddow's Fierce Advocate segement for more info), have caused quite a stir in the GLBT world. As a way to passify the recent outrage over what many of us concider back pedaling on campaign promises, Obama signed a declaration, granting some benifits to same-sex partners of non-military federal employees. I'm not sure exactly what these benifits really amount to since health insurance wasn't included in there, but whatever. It strikes me as odd that it would seem ok to grant benifits to same-sex partners of one group of federal employees, but another group of federal employees will lose their jobs if they come out as gay. Another thought, if the Employment Non-Descrimination Act (ENDA) passes before DADT is repealed, will the ENDA apply to the military and effectively repeal DADT?

Check out what other bloggers have to say on this:
Deanna's Ramblings
Pam's House Blend
DOMA- Declare Obama Missing in Action, by Melanie Nathan

Obama Extends Benefits To Same Sex Partners Of Federal Employees

What do you think? Do we expect too much too fast? Or were the promises to repeal DADT and DOMA empty promises to get the gay vote?

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She blogs her life most ordinary at gaymo.

]]> Collecting Beads and Getting Teary, Thoughts on My First Pride Parade http://www.blogher.com/collecting-beads-and-getting-teary-thoughts-my-first-pride-parade 2009-06-18T04:18:55-05:00 2009-06-18T10:03:58-05:00 no_I_am_zoe I can' t believe it's already the middle of June. That means my softball season is in full swing, the grill gets a regular workout, I recently got another year older [heavy sigh], no more NHL hockey (unless it's on my PS3) until October, my 20th high school reunion is a week and a half away, fresh garden tomatoes are just around the corner, and Pride month is halfway over. You know it's Pride month, right?

]]> I can' t believe it's already the middle of June. That means my softball season is in full swing, the grill gets a regular workout, I recently got another year older [heavy sigh], no more NHL hockey (unless it's on my PS3) until October, my 20th high school reunion is a week and a half away, fresh garden tomatoes are just around the corner, and Pride month is halfway over. You know it's Pride month, right? And this year's Pride marks the 40th anniversary of Stonewall. It's also the first year I've attended a Pride Parade.

Now it used to be that Pride would come and go, and I never even noticed. I know, I know, I'm such a bad gay. I confessed last year at Pride time, that I never really saw the importance of attending Pride, and that I never had a real desire to go. But after much urging through both comments and emails, I decided that I should listen to everyone and go at least one time. Oh, and not be determined that I would hate it. So, a year ago June, I found out when the closest large city was going to be celebrating Pride this year, and I wrote it on the calendar. June 13th, 2009 became my unbreakable date with a Pride Parade.

After having now been to my first Pride Parade, all I can say is, it was...well, pretty cool. We clapped and cheered for every group as they marched or floated by. We had candy, and beads, and condoms, and packets of lube thrown and/or handed to us. We narrowly dodged the spray from the go go boys' super soakers. We commented to each other in amazement as the drag queens marched by in ungodly tall stiletto heels. Seriously, how can anyone walk in those things. And for that far. They are better women than I am. We laughed at the few protesters who thought they could ruin our time. Instead, they made it better. We felt the vibration of the engines rumble through us as the dykes on bikes roared on by us. It was pretty much what I had expected, based on the accounts from others of parades past.

What I had not expected was the indescribable feeling that filled me for those moments during the parade. It was belonging, and sense of community, and freedom, and openness, and joy, and pride, and love, and hope, and exhilaration, and so much more that I can't even explain. It was, as I said before, indescribable, and amazing. And that was all before PFLAG went by. I don't know why or where my reaction came from, but I got teary over PFLAG. I felt like such a goon. Later when I asked Betty Please what she thought about the parade, one of the first things she told me was that she got teary when PFLAG marched past.

I get the feeling my reaction to the parade, PFLAG included, is not uncommon for first timers. For the last several years, LeLo In NoPo has reposted a really beautiful post about her first Pride, and the importance Pride continues to have.

I saw fierce, amazing women, riding without shirts, on fast, loud motorcycles. I was in awe. I was embarrassed. I was excited. I was surrounded by people who were either just like me, or who embraced people like me. I was in a place that I felt safe. And I realized that was a very rare thing in my life. I was safe.

G and I applauded for every single marching contingent. But when PFLAG approached, G got misty. There were mothers, and fathers, and brothers and sisters, all marching in support of their gay family members. "I Love My Gay Son" was a sign carried by a mother walking hand in hand with her son. I was speechless.
-read full post Happy Pride to you and you and you

After the parade, we walked over to the festival. That's when my expectations were met. Too many sweaty, nearly-naked people, wandering around without purpose in too small a space, with the sun screaming down on us with no shade or escape routes in sight. Not my idea of fun. In most circumstances, I don't mind if people are nearly naked. But in a shoulder to shoulder, packed in like sardines situation, having sweaty nearly naked people brush against me has got to be one of the circles of hell. I just can not carry enough purell with me to make that situation enjoyable. But, it was an experience. And just to be clear, I'm not trying to bad mouth the festival, I'm sure most people enjoyed the festival and that it was lovely. I know BP enjoyed it. I'm just not good with crowds and I get really grouchy, and really OCD.

So, will this be my first and last parade? No. We'll definitely be going to other parades. As for the festivals that follow...maybe we'll go do something else for a while until it's not so crazy with people. I know BP would enjoy going to the festival part again.

Tangent- Oh, you know something that did surprise me? All the people with their dogs. I couldn't believe how many dogs there were there. I guess it shouldn't be surprising. Hell, if you're single, is there a better way to make yourself approachable with conversation ice-breaker guarantee, than to have a dog with you? It's quite genius really. Anyway.../Tangent

What about you? Did you go to Pride this year? Do you go every year? Do you still get the same feeling as the first time you went?

What have other LGBT bloggers written about Pride? Check out a few;

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT)

]]> What Lesbian Web Series Do You Watch? http://www.blogher.com/what-lesbian-web-series-do-you-watch 2009-06-11T05:44:46-05:00 2009-06-11T05:46:26-05:00 no_I_am_zoe I love it when I open my feed reader to find that one of my favorite bloggers, who hasn't been blogging as frequently lately, has posted something new. Not that I'm judging. My blog has been missing me a lot as of late. I'm just saying. I love it even more when said blogger announces in their new post that they have just launched a new lesbian web series. It makes my day actually, when that happens. Especially since there was a promised to the pervs like me that there would be some hot girl-on-girl action.

]]> I love it when I open my feed reader to find that one of my favorite bloggers, who hasn't been blogging as frequently lately, has posted something new. Not that I'm judging. My blog has been missing me a lot as of late. I'm just saying. I love it even more when said blogger announces in their new post that they have just launched a new lesbian web series. It makes my day actually, when that happens. Especially since there was a promised to the pervs like me that there would be some hot girl-on-girl action. I mean let's be honest here, when I saw the words hot girl-on-girl action, I stopped reading, and skipped directly to clicking the link.

Oh, so you probably want to know who I'm talking about, right? Well, I'm talking about Rosemary Rowe, aka Creampuff, of Creampuff Revolution. She and her good friend Renee Olbert, who stars as the lead, put their creative noggins together and came up with the new web series Seeking Simone. Seeking Simone tells one girl's tales of navigating online dating in gay Toronto, while acclimating to a new city and trying to get over an ex. The first two episodes are pretty excellent, even if the promise of hot girl-on-girl action was not fulfilled. Not to worry though, judging from the trailer it looks looks as if she will make good on her word. And if the trailer still doesn't convince you, then maybe you should know that one of the reasons Renee wanted to make this series is because she always wanted to star in a role where she got to make out with hot girls.

I've been told, there will 10 episodes in season 1. As of now, two episodes have been released, three episodes are in editing, and five episodes are in storyboarding. How long between episodes, and then between seasons, I don't know. I'm sure it must be exhausting to make a web series, and especially on a shoestring budget on your own dime. So, I don't expect weekly webisodes, though it would be nice.

So I started thinking, what other web series might be out there? It had never really occurred to me to that an LGBT web series might actually exist. I know, I know. What rock did I just crawl out from under, right? It was a nice cozy one, OK? Anyway, I rummaged through Cherry Grrl, After Ellen, and One More Lesbian, and found quite a few good web series to check out. You know, in case you don't come out from under your rock all that often either. Here are a few I think look interesting: B.J. Fletcher Private Eye; Anyone But Me; We Have to Stop Now; FEED; 3Way; and Girltrash!.

B.J. Fletcher: Private Eye is about a PI who wishes for more interesting cases, and her best friend, Georgia, who Fletcher talks into being her assistant. Cherry girl has a great interview, Case Closed-"BJ Fletcher:Private Eye" is a hit, with the Creator, Writer, Director, Executive Producer, Regan Latimer, and with the Associate Producer Rochelle Dancel.

Anyone But Me is a coming of age story. It's about a group of gay and straight friends finding their way in a post 9/11 world. It's about falling in love, coming out-or not, long distance relationships, making your way in a new place, belonging, not belonging...you know, it's about being a teenager. You might also check out SheWired's interview with Nicole Pancent, who plays one of the lesbians in a long distance relationship. She also happens to be a lesbian in real life.

We Have to Stop Now , is about a lesbian couple, who are struggling to make their not so good relationship look solid for a documentary about them. They are featured in the documentary thanks to the success of their book, "How to Succeed at Marriage Without Even Trying."

FEED is about Maura Knight, ex- reality TV producer, now waitress. But is she really an ex-reality TV producer. After catching an attack on camera after hours at the restaurant where she worked, she decided to post the video online. She ends up on the run, and as the head of a small vigilante group of journalist working to expose corruption, if their love triangles don't take them down first.

3Way Is about one straight women who after divorcing her husband, asks her best friend, a lesbian, to move in with her. A week later, the lesbian best friend has her new girlfriend move in with the two of them. Then the lesbian best friend's ex ends up in the mix too. Fun follows, as one can imagine.

Girltrash! It's a show about 5 girls; the tough girls, the gang bangers, and the con-artist, getting by in the criminal underworld. Just who will they double-cross? Rumors have been confirmed at After Ellen, by Angela Robinson(writer and director of Girltrash!), that this short series is going to be turned into a movie.

So, these are the few web series I came across that I thought looked good. Do you have a favorite web series or two?  And how in the world do you make series plural?

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs about her everyday life most ordinary, at gaymo.

]]> Getting my writing mojo back http://www.blogher.com/getting-my-writing-mojo-back 2009-06-04T05:28:01-05:00 2009-06-04T05:28:01-05:00 no_I_am_zoe For the past few months, I've really been struggling with writing. I don't know if it's writers block, or if I just feel my life is too boring and uninteresting to write about, or if I've got too many stresses and big decisions weighing on my mind to really think about anything else, or just what exactly. Maybe it's a combination of all of the above. I don't know. But it's not that I don't want to write.

]]> For the past few months, I've really been struggling with writing. I don't know if it's writers block, or if I just feel my life is too boring and uninteresting to write about, or if I've got too many stresses and big decisions weighing on my mind to really think about anything else, or just what exactly. Maybe it's a combination of all of the above. I don't know. But it's not that I don't want to write. It's that at the end of the day, when everything I need to do has been done, I sit down to write with my new laptop and I end up hypnotized by the soft cold glow of a blank screen and a blinking cursor.

Writing for my blog used to come pretty easily. I could take most any event and turn it into a post. A funny or poignant conversation would occur, or I'd see something strange or out of the ordinary, and I'd immediately think, "I'm so blogging that." Then I'd spend my time until I could get to a computer, working up the post in my head. Now when the same types of things that I used to blog about happen, I think, "how would even be able to make that relatable or funny as a post? And not only that, but who would want to read it if I did?" I seem to have lost my blogging mojo, and I don't even know when I had it last to know where to start looking for it.

Now I've been given all kinds of advice, and I've been told that bloggers sometimes get writers block. Betty Please told me that unless I'm ready to quit blogging I should just suck it up and get over it already. She didn't say it in so many words, but I read between the lines. Since I don't want to give up blogging, I'm thinking she's probably right. I just need to keep writing. I thought maybe finding some new (to me) lesbian blogs would inspire me out of my funk. And then serendipity happened. A new reader, Rebecca, stumbled her way over to my blog and a left a few comments. I quickly clicked over to check out her blog Truth And Love After 40. It's a great blog about discovering a new sexual identity later in life, and the new life that follows.

We aren't very much a "traditional family" anymore. But for us anyway, that definition of family never fit very well, it was unnatural, we just didn't know it at the time. Our family now means we trust each other enough to talk about things, even uncomfortable things, we aren't afraid to grow together or admit our mistakes, we aren't afraid nor incapable of showing love for each other and best of all, the boys see and feel that I love them unconditionally and they know it in their hearts as well. They know now their father does too.

Our new definition fits us much better. Finally we are a real family...naturally.
-read full post Meet the Boys: From a late in life Family

While I was there, I took a peek at the Truth And Love After 40 blogroll. It was like finding a gold mine. There were many blogs that had never been on my on my radar before, but sure are now. I was so in awe with the writing of these next few blogs for either their wit, honesty, or beauty, that I just sat and read post after post after post. Since there is no theme or defining topic to make this flow naturally together, I'm just going to list some of these great new finds with a sample of their writing.

Deborah blogs at Peaches and Coconuts

I had gotten on the scale, but I never let doctors tell me how much I weigh. It's all about how I feel in my jeans. Considering I only have one pair of jeans that I can easily pull over all that junk inside my trunk, I'm feeling pretty slovenly right now. So after my doctor's appointment, I went for a run, well jog. Had to take it slowly because the left-over ooze from the pap smear reminded me that gravity is strong and my pelvic floor muscles are not. More kegels!
-read full post An apple a day...and denial

ABG blogs at abrowngirl

I say the words nervously. I love you. Not with the normal fears. I don't wait for a response, I pray for silence. If the sentiment is returned, thats when I get scared.

I'm more comfortable loving someone than being loved in return. I know what it means for me to love someone, even if it's in that first stage of blossoming love, I still take it seriously. It means devotion, adoration. It means comfort, trust. It means honesty, a future. That's what it means to me.

But I don't know what it means when someone says it back.
-read full post Love Without Expectations

Anne Neczypor blogs at Pretty, Witty, And...

Occasionally, the sleazier side of me slips out through the cracks of my proper façade. It's not that my normal M.O. is one of pretense; but corporate America, a well-respected reputation, and 25 years of good breeding have created something of a pressure cooker-the perfect environment for a creature like the inner frat-boy to grow. He's always in there, perfectly content in his cage most of the time, but when someone leaves the door open, he slides out and makes his mark. The good news is he's such a self-congratulatory entity that the inner feminist always has time to take over while he's doing his victory dance. She does the damage control, apologizes for his behavior, and then places him back under the heavy weight of the super-ego.
-read full post Re-Match

Freedomgirl

As we walked the rain picked up, falling first on the new wet-silk leaves, then falling through to our heads in thick fat drops. We just kept walking. We passed an enormous porcupine, quills at crazy angles. We could have touched it if we dared, but we knew better. We visited the stream at the bottom of the hill, rushing through the hemlocks, and passed by the beaver dam. When I was younger you could walk across it, but it had fallen into disrepair by that point and wasn't safe.

I don't remember what we talked about. I remember how it felt to get slowly soaked to the skin in the gentle, persistent rain, and not care at all. I remember being surrounded by the emerald green of the woods, so fresh and new and damp in May. And I remember feeling at peace, comfortable and happy in M.'s presence.
-read full post Another Year of Me

I don't know how to explain it, but there is something about the writing of each of these blogger that inspires me to want to become a better storyteller and a better writer. Those women have a gift for writing, at least in a way that really reaches me. I read each of their work and wish I was half the writer any one them is. While I'll never be a great speller, or lose my long awkward-run-on- sentence-write-like-I-talk structure, I still posess a great desire to put my fingers to the keyboard.  I think I may just be this much closer to finding my writing mojo again.

Have you ever experienced writer's block?  And, who or what inspires you to write?

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor(life-GLBT). She blogs her life most ordinary at gaymo.

]]> California Supreme Court Upholds Prop 8. What Do We Do Next? http://www.blogher.com/california-supreme-court-upholds-prop-8-what-do-we-do-next 2009-05-28T03:47:51-05:00 2009-05-28T03:47:51-05:00 no_I_am_zoe On Tuesday, May 26, not too surprisingly, the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold Proposition 8; which, allowed the voters to amend the state constitution to add, "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." Though disappointing, I didn't see how any other decision would be reached. I'm not saying I agree, I'm saying, I saw this coming.

]]> On Tuesday, May 26, not too surprisingly, the California Supreme Court ruled to uphold Proposition 8; which, allowed the voters to amend the state constitution to add, "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." Though disappointing, I didn't see how any other decision would be reached. I'm not saying I agree, I'm saying, I saw this coming. A year ago on May 15, this same court ruled that a ban against same-sex marriage violated the state constitution's equal protection guarantee, thereby making same-sex marriage legal in the state of California. We already know where this court stands on the issue of same-sex marriage. And as much as I may have wished for this to be a ruling on same-sex marriage, it wasn't. This time around, the ruling was to determine whether or not Prop 8 was an amendment, and therefore would stand with the majority vote of the electorate; or if this was actually a revision which would require the proposition to first pass the Legislature with a 2/3 vote before going to the electorate, effectively nullifying the proposition. In a 6-1 vote, the court ruled Prop 8 was an amendment, the proposition stands. You can read the full court opinion in this pdf.

As part of the Prop 8 ruling, the court also had to decide the fate of the 18,000 couples who had married before the proposition passed. The court unanimously ruled the marriages would stand as legal marriages. While I think this was the only right and fair decision, it sets up an interesting situation in California. To quote Dorothy Snarker,

The jumble of a ruling by the state's highest court yesterday only serves to highlight the inherent inequality of banning gay marriage. In essence, the court created three classes of citizen in California. Gays who got married when it was legal. Gays who aren't allowed to get married now that it's illegal again. Straights who can get married anytime they damn well please. It makes no sense and yet there it is. Hello, separate, but in no way equal.

The passage of Prop 8 ultimately defines marriage as one man and one woman, thus excluding same-sex couples from legal marriage. It did not exclude, or remove, the right for same-sex couples to form domestic partnerships which are still legal in California. Which, not that it's any consolation to have separate but unequal coupledom under the law, because domestic partnership does not grant the same rights as marriage, but many states that have passed constitutional amendments to define marriage, also exclude the ability of gay couples to form any legal partnership which resembles marriage.

This ruling, while disappointing, is not the end for the fight for equal marriage rights in California, but rather a lost battle. So what's next? Courage Campaign, an online network that organizes grassroots and netroot organizations, is set to air their new "Fidelity"TV ad across California. You can watch the ad, make donations, and get information at the Courage Campaign site.

Another grassroots organization is collecting signatures of registered California voters for The Domestic Partnership Initiative. The Domestic Partnership Initiative would replace the word marriage with domestic partnership throughout California law, but would preserve all the rights of marriage. Domestic Partnerships would apply to all couples, gay and straight, and all rights would be the same for everyone. This constitutional amendment, if passed, would effectively overturn Prop 8. If enough signatures are collected, it will be on the 2010 ballot. If you are a registered voter in California, you can sign the petition at The Domestic Partnership Initiative site.

Also, in a rather unexpected turn of events, two attorneys, Theodore B. Olson and David Boies have filed a challenge to Prop 8 in Federal Court. The preliminary injunction is in this pdf. The gist of the argument is,

The attorneys argue that relegating same-sex couples to domestic partnerships instead of granting them full marriage rights is a violation of the equal protection and due process clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
-The Advocate

They are confident this is the right time to take this fight to the national level. Maybe they are right. I, am not so sure, but I don't know. I just worry that taking it to the federal level now will open up a whole new can of worms we weren't anticipating. And a loss at the federal level could set us further back than we are now.

Personally, I would like to see more states legalized same-sex marriage through their Legislature. Then the people can't cry, "activist Judges!" Though really, it probably doesn't matter how the change comes about because there will always be some people who will be angry about same-sex marriage rights, regardless how the rights were granted.

Getting back to the recent decision. I'm not a lawyer, so I guess I really can't say whether I think the CA Supreme Court made the right decision or not. I understand and believe that we the people should have the right to change our states constitutions, especially when it comes to defining and limiting the powers of our government. But when it comes to the rights of others, I think that's where that power should end. It really scares me to think that we could live under the tyranny of the majority, and that at any time the majority could vote away the rights of any minority. It may seem like a simplistic view, but if it had been left up to the majority: segregation would not have ended when it did, or worse, it could still exist; inter-racial marriages my not be legal; women may not have the right to vote... So, while I respect the right of the people to change their constitutions, I can't see how the people should have the right to change it in a way that grants rights to some people and not to others. There is no such thing as same as a marriage, but not a marriage. It either is one or it isn't.

What did you think about the California Supreme Court ruling? What do you think the next steps should be ?

For reactions from other bloggers, check out:

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs her everyday life at gaymo.

 

]]> June 1st is Blogging for GLBT Families Day http://www.blogher.com/june-1st-blogging-glbt-family-day 2009-05-14T02:53:38-05:00 2009-05-14T02:54:40-05:00 no_I_am_zoe On June 1st, 2009, Mombian will be hosting the 4th annual Blogging for GLBT Families Day. What is Blogging for GLBT Families Day, you ask. Well I'll tell you. It's a day to celebrate GLBT families through blogging.

]]> On June 1st, 2009, Mombian will be hosting the 4th annual Blogging for GLBT Families Day. What is Blogging for GLBT Families Day, you ask. Well I'll tell you. It's a day to celebrate GLBT families through blogging. All you have to do is blog on the topic of GLBT families; what family is or means to you, how it's touched your life, how it's the same and/or different from non-GLBT families, reflections on being a GLBT parent, how knowing a GLBT family has changed you or your views...You don't have to be G, L, B, or T to participate. Friends, family and allies are welcome to join in the fun too.

OK, so blogging it isn't all you have to do. But, it's the first step. So, sometime between now and June 1, blog about a topic related to GLBT families. Next, go to Mombian and fill out the form at the bottom of the Blogging for GLBT Families 2009 post, so you're post will be included in the roundup. Of course, while you're there filling out the form you'll probably want to download banners to add to your blog, twitter, and facebook so you can help promote. The last thing you'll need to do, is check back with Mombian on June 1st to read all the posts submitted by the other participants. Last year, a little over 170 people participated.

I'm not going to post my submission here in this post, because my thoughts are not nearly collected enough to write it just yet. I mean, I 've been sitting here for 40 minutes trying to figure out how to work out something with this story about how my grandma recently emailed me for info about Betty Please's full name and birth date, and the same for her parents. She needed the info because she was working on a the family tree for my dad's side of the family, and wanted to make sure that BP was included there as my spouse. You know, for when we have kids. I can't even tell you how good that made me feel. My grandma is really pretty awesome. Anyway, since I'm not going to write about my own family right at this moment, I'm instead going to share with you sample excerpts of some the great posts from last year's Blogging for GLBT Families participants.

Cait from Addition Problems wrote

I've spent the last few days trying to decide what, exactly to blog about for Blogging for LGBT Families Day. With our internet outage, I've had extra time, but hadn't really reached any decision yet. Because, really, on the average day, we're just a family. We work at ordinary jobs and make far too little money for the energy put in. We adore our child and think that (almost) everything that comes out of her mouth is hilarious or brilliant. We wish we had more time in the world to do the things that are important to us. There is far too much clutter on our dining room table, and by the end of the week, we're exhausted and our house is a mess. Nothing about this is unique or revolutionary. It could be said about any family, regardless of parental sexual preference. And this is exactly why we're lucky.

RaJenCreation wrote

Yes, having kids puts me on the front lines of various forms of Activism, whether I like it or not. The reality is that things are made a bit more challenging when you aren't made up of One Woman and One Man. But we owe it to Those Who Have Cleared A Path For Us that we DO get some benefits, some acknowledgment of the family that we are. Example? We have a church that loves and accepts us exactly as we are. We are members of our neighborhood's Kid's Group - and we aren't the only same-sex parent household. We are members of a local Mother's of Multiples Group and no one bats an eye. We get to use the Beloved's Dependent Care Flexible Spending Account for the kids even though she is not the biological parent.

ohchicken of We are Fambly writes

last year, beginning our family was a choice and a dream; this year it is an inevitability. the weight of that reality, coupled with the dramatic threshold between now and the not-yet, is clearly contributing to my weepy, antsy disposition. obviously, i am unspeakably grateful for the blessing of getting to be sparky's family, and as i trace the outline of a familiar nose from her ultrasound photo, i long to pull my little girl close to my chest and never let her go. simultaneously, i am scared shitless of this mantle i have so willingly taken on.

labels are for jars wrote

At first, I worried that straight folks would have the hardest time dealing with Q not fitting entirely into the boy gender mold. My worry, though, was a path directly into confrontation, as I realized that many of those straight folks are perhaps more understanding, more willing to embrace a boy outside of "gender guidelines" than some queer folks. While I haven't experienced any discomfort from queer folks directly, I have definitely been heartened by the understanding, support, and compassion that straight parents of Q's friends have shown him, which revealed to me the stereotypes that I have around sexual orientation and its correlation with open-mindedness. So yes, once again I my own stereotypes and narrow-minded thinking come back to smack me in the face. But in a good way, because I do believe that with that smack comes an opening of the mind, a relaxing of my defenses. And ultimately more love for Q.

Up Popped a Fox wrote her post in response to a comment someone left on a video of her son singing a song he write about how his family is different (there is a link to the video in the post, it's super cute). The comment implied that families are made of a mother and a father and kids, and that no other structuring was a family. She writes

I wondered...if there can only be a mother and a father, which one of us is the fraud? Is it Luisa who spent last night with Miguel at Urgent Care and then at the pharmacy waiting for antibiotics to treat Strep? Is it me who cuddled with Zeca for a half hour at bedtime because she was scared and then got up in the middle of the night to hold her after a nightmare? For nearly seven years, we have been right here in the trenches of parenting. We have been there for every milestone, for all of the tears, frustration and joy. Our children know they are safe with us. They know that they are loved. They understand that loves makes a family not because we brainwash them but because that is their lived experience. My love for my partner is real and our love for our children is real. Hatred and ignorance will never change that. That, my friends, is a fact.

There were so many fantastic posts last year, and I'm sure there will be many, many more this year. Will your post be one them?

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs about her everyday life at gaymo.

]]> Asexuality http://www.blogher.com/asexuality 2009-05-07T00:19:46-05:00 2009-05-07T00:19:46-05:00 no_I_am_zoe I once had a conversation with Betty Please about communication and how I'm not a mind reader, that ended with her saying that she imagined living inside my head would be like being on a porno set 24/7. I hate to admit it, but she's really not too far off. I am just a little bit preoccupied with sex, and have been for as far back as I can remember.

]]> I once had a conversation with Betty Please about communication and how I'm not a mind reader, that ended with her saying that she imagined living inside my head would be like being on a porno set 24/7. I hate to admit it, but she's really not too far off. I am just a little bit preoccupied with sex, and have been for as far back as I can remember. I sometimes think that if I could lose this preoccupation, my inner genius would be free to focus for longer than 30 seconds before my mind drifted off to some nice girl on girl action, and I might actually be able to excel at some intellectual pursuit. I could accomplish so much. If only.

But really, living in the culture we do, it's not hard to be distracted by sex. It's so pervasive, it's everywhere. It's in movies. It's on television shows. It's in magazines. And books. And advertising. It's in music. It's the plot, the subtext, or the tension, of damn near everything. It is an expectation and an assumption that if you are an adult, and especially an adult in a relationship, you are having sex with the person you are in a relationship with. Because we all need sex, right? Well, for most of the population it's true, sex is a driving force in and a very integral part of our lives. But for a small and nearly invisible part of the population, who identify as asexual, sex with another person is a not a need. In fact, not only do asexuals not need sex, they don't experience sexual attraction to other people.

Now just because asexuals do not experience sexual attraction does not mean they do not experience other forms of attraction. They can be physically(aesthetically) and/or intellectually attracted to someone, but those attractions do not necessitate sexual attraction. Many axsexuals, want a romantic relationship and maybe even a long term partnership. Some do not. Like attraction with people who are sexual, asexual attraction can be gay, straight, bi, queer or however they want to further identify. But, asexuality is their primary orientation.

To me, looking at an attractive man is a bit like looking at a beautiful dress that I know wouldn't suit me at all, or a photo of a holiday location I wouldn't actually want to visit. I might say "Ooh, that's lovely!" and enjoy looking at it for a few minutes, but I don't actually desire it.

As for the people close to me who do get that I'm asexual... I get the impression they don't know how to react if I find someone attractive. They seem uncomfortable with the idea I'm looking at someone in what they would think of as a sexual way, even though they know I don't have sex.
-Glad to be A

Now it only makes sense to me, that for everyone who is preoccupied with sex as I am, that there would be someone on the other end of the spectrum who has no interest in it what so ever. Kind of like Newtons Third Law of Motion, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I mean, you can't have good without evil, sunshine without rain, night without day... right? It's all about balancing out the universe. Anyway [reel in tangent]. As with all identities, there are naysayers who do not believe this orientation is real. Or believe that those who identify as asexual feel, or are, somehow incomplete.

Once I started on this train of thought, I realized that a large proportion of the unwanted things people say when we come out are actually attempts to make us feel better. Maybe this is obvious, but since I tend to assume everyone knows the same things I know, it took me awhile to figure out. Being told "You're just a late bloomer" is supposed to give us hope, as is "You just haven't found the right person yet." If the other person can convince us that asexuality doesn't exist, we're supposed to find that a huge relief. Uh...no. Someone with little understanding of asexuality might think it's a negative thing, and assume that we want to be talked down off the edge of identifying as such.
-Ily, Asexy Beast

The one thing that makes coming out so difficult at times (outright rejection aside, of course - but that does not make coming out difficult, it makes it painful) is the other person trying to convince me that I am mistaken about my orientation. I can understand and accept the need to convince the other person that asexuality and aromanticism exist, because they are rather ignored in popular culture, while we are constantly reminded that we need to have exciting and fulfilling sex lives and to be involved in romantic relationships to be truly happy. But I find it unbearable that other people dare assume that they know me better than I know myself. Nothing, in my opinion, gives them the right to believe that, neither the fact that they are older or have a longer or broader experience of life than I do, nor the fact that they experienced something similar once or know someone who did - nothing.
-rainbow amoeba

I can totally relate to this frustration. It's just like coming out as anything that doesn't fit into society's collective notion of "normal." Like, how can you be sure you're gay, if you haven't had sex with someone of the opposite sex? Or, you're not really a lesbian, you just haven't found the right guy yet. Or you're too young to know for sure. Or it's just a phase. Or worst of all, something traumatic must have happened to you to make you this way. Well, nothing traumatic happened to me, and I don't feel broken or incomplete because I am not straight, but many people would have me feel as though I should. I can only imagine the pressures and ridiculous comments that asexuals must face on a daily basis. And geeze, what if you were asexual and same-sex attracted? How tough must that be? That would have to be one tiny dating pool.

But see, right there, I'm using my own feelings and understanding of my sexuality to bias my thinking about the asexuals' dating pool. There is nothing that says asexuals are limited to only dating asexuals. Just because I can't wrap my brain around how a couple, made up of a sexual and an asexual could ever possibly work, doesn't mean it couldn't. From what I've read, there are asexuals in relationships with sexual people who are willing to have sex with their partners, and there are sexual people who live a celibate life to be with their asexual partners. When people truly love each other, they make it work.

I pass for "normal" really well now, and there have been a few who assumed I was sexual too- that somehow my innocent displays of affection must mean I'm tempted to do more. It hurts to hear people making those sorts of assumptions[...]I've expressed my frustrations to my fiance. His words of common sense are always a comfort to hear - Our relationship is as unique as we are. Love does not come with a script we must follow- it's an improvisation. We write our own script. We do it our way.
-Ace of Hearts

Her fiance (who does not identify as asexual) sounds like a pretty wise man. I bet living in his head is nothing like living in mine. I'm telling you, if only I could have stayed focused.  I could have had this post written in half the time.

For more blogs about asexuality and life as an asexual, I recommend:
Edge of Everywhere
Shades of Gray
The Venus of Willendork
What do you mean by sex
AVEN

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs about her daily life at gaymo.

]]> Butch Identity http://www.blogher.com/butch-identity 2009-04-23T08:50:07-05:00 2009-04-23T08:50:07-05:00 no_I_am_zoe After writing about femme identity last week, I thought this week I should write about what many consider femme identity's counter part, butch identity. While femme identity personifies femininity as a role, butch identity is at the other end of the spectrum, playing with masculinity and masculine roles, but not necessarily seeking to lose femaleness or to become male. Though some do.

]]> After writing about femme identity last week, I thought this week I should write about what many consider femme identity's counter part, butch identity. While femme identity personifies femininity as a role, butch identity is at the other end of the spectrum, playing with masculinity and masculine roles, but not necessarily seeking to lose femaleness or to become male. Though some do. I think Kyle, of Butchtastic, does and excellent job of describing being happy to be a women, yet enjoying expressing a masculine side.
Externally, my presentation hasn't always been very butch - I've got some scary pics from the 80s featuring long hair and perms, eww. From the early 90s on, however, I've expressed more and more of my masculine side. I no longer pray that I'll be a boy when I wake up, I'm happy to be a woman. I can pass as a man on limited occasions, and that's a thrill but I really love being recognizably female, with masculine body language and vibe and facial hair. I love tweaking people about my gender. This is who I am: a woman very happy with her female bits, who also loves being a guy.

It seems that it is not uncommon for those on the butch end of the spectrum to have felt desire to express masculinity from an early age, as Kyle did. Heck I don't identify as butch, and I can relate to desperately wanting to be a boy as a child. Leo MacCool, of Butch Girlcat, recounts feeling defeated by gender as child.

I grew up with a very embodied view of gender. By which I mean, I got the impression that your gender was marked on your body in ways that were utterly, permanently insurmountable, starting with the obvious bits but extending far beyond that. One of my very early memories is being in the front yard with my mother and seeing a person walking on the far sidewalk. The person was wearing pants and a hat, and I didn't know if they were male and female. "Oh, you can always tell by the way they walk," my mother said. "That's definitely a woman." I wanted to rebel against it but it sounded like higher law: you will never walk like a man, no matter how hard you try. Your body will betray you. The examples could be multiplied but the moral was always the same.

But is butch really about perfecting the walk, or is it better not to? Sinclair, of Sugar Butch Chronicles, defines butch

Gender is about my physical body: how I appear, the clothes I wear, the accessories I choose. And, it's part of the way that I communicate physically, and thus becomes a big part of my sexual life, which is all about my body communicating with another's body.

[...]There are certain things that gender does dictate when it comes to action or personality, but that seems to be primarily set around chivalry, which is really that physical communication aspect of sex and relationships.

Ahem. For example:

I hold my hand out for a femme who is walking in heels next to me when we go down stairs, because I want her to have something solid to hold onto in those high heels. I switch sides of the sidewalk when I notice a grate or something she can't walk over. I open the door for her because I don't want her to ding up her fingernails that she spent two hours perfecting. I take her coat because her dress is tight and if she lifts her arms up above her shoulders it could actually damage the dress.

I find the last bit of Sinclair's description quite interesting, because that is me to Betty Please. When Betty Please and I go out walking, I always position myself between her and the street. It's nothing that I've ever thought about, I've just always done. When we go somewhere, I drive. When out somewhere, I pay. It's our money, but I pay. If something needs to be carried or lifted, I shoulder it. If something breaks, I fix it. If the car needs gas, I fill it. If it's icy or snowy, I put out my arm for her to hold onto in case she slips...Why do I do these things? I don't know, I just always have. Is it butch of me? Perhaps. But, I don't see myself as butch, or any other identity for that matter.

But maybe I am butch, and I just don't know it. Or maybe butch at heart, but not in mind. Is that possible? Before the last few weeks, I had been thinking about identity in terms of what butch or femme meant 16, or 17 years ago. Not in terms of what it means today. And I know that identity is far from being limited to butch and femme. I do have loose understandings of many of the other identities, and identities within butch and femme, but I sometimes fail to see the differences between them. So it would seem that I have some learning to do before I can really dive any further into this topic.

Anyone out there identify as butch, and or anything else along with butch? What does butch mean you?

You might also want to check out:
Jess I Am
"can i help you, sir"
just like jesse james

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (life-GLBT). She also blogs her everyday life at gaymo

 

]]> Femme Identity http://www.blogher.com/femme-identity 2009-04-16T03:55:57-05:00 2009-04-16T03:55:57-05:00 no_I_am_zoe Weddings and funerals. Those are the only occasions for which I will wear a dress. And when I do don a cute little sleeveless number and heels, I feel kind of awkward. Though, I would feel more awkward if I didn't wear one when the occasion called for it. It's not even that I don't look good in a dress, or that I don't like dresses. I see dresses all the time that I think are super cute, and think that I'd look good in. But I'm just not that kind of girl. I'm not feminine enough, or I should say that I don't feel feminine enough, to carry them off.

]]> Weddings and funerals. Those are the only occasions for which I will wear a dress. And when I do don a cute little sleeveless number and heels, I feel kind of awkward. Though, I would feel more awkward if I didn't wear one when the occasion called for it. It's not even that I don't look good in a dress, or that I don't like dresses. I see dresses all the time that I think are super cute, and think that I'd look good in. But I'm just not that kind of girl. I'm not feminine enough, or I should say that I don't feel feminine enough, to carry them off. When I wear a dress, I feel a bit like I'm in drag. And don't even think about asking me to put on make-up. The thought of make-up alone, is enough to cause me high anxiety.

I've often wished I were different. Wished I were more feminine. I somehow have this notion that if I were more feminine, then I would better be able to relate to other women. I could get past feeling like I'm not really a woman, but I'm also not, not a woman. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to most, but I don't know how to explain it really. I'm sure my feeling less than, runs in the same vein as body image issues. At the same time, in wishing I were more feminine, that doesn't mean that I wish to identify as femme. Not that there is anything wrong with identifying as femme. In fact, I find femme identity, and the diversity within femme identity fascinating.

I don't remember a time when the butch/femme stereotypes and relationship dynamic didn't exist. However, when I was young and newly gay, it seemed like the femmes were very few and far between, by comparison. But then again, it was the 90's in the Midwest, and it seemed that most of the lesbians I knew tended toward something between butch and femme. Not choosing any sort of identity beyond lesbian or bi. Maybe it was the times, or maybe we were just young and still trying to figure out who we were, or maybe I'm full of crap, but it seems that there is much more diversity and a broader definition in the femme identity today, than there used to be.

When I think femme, I'll admit, I think High Femme. I think skirts or dresses. Perfect hair. Perfect make-up. High heels. A distinctively female walk. But it's more than just that. It's and attitude. A certain mind set.

Ms Hinterland Femme talks about her femmeness in her post Being Femme: Why Yes It Is Fabualous, Thanks.

While it is easiest to point out my femmeness in my dress (and allow me to point out that I interpret my femmeness in high heels, but it could just as easily be exemplified in combat boots), it is marked for me in many ways. My hips swap back and forth hard when I walk because I consciously think about walking femme (and call it my bubblegum walk). I move my hands and other body parts in specific ways that feel femme to me. When I respond to the world, I think of myself, my views, my femme perspective, and femme self. And, while, it is easy to say that maybe these abilities are affectations picked up along the way in the attempt to emulate something or someone else, that is a blatantly untrue statement. Femme is my inner self, my true self, and I use her to wade through my day.

Scarlett Lotus writes about what femme is, in her post How I Define Femme, at The Femme's Guide. She says

My basic definition of a femme is someone who consciously chooses to embrace fem(me)ininity as a "deviant" identity. I believe femme is a conscious genderfuck in the rouse of traditional femininity. The major difference between a feminine woman and a femme is conscious gender performance, and anyone who consciously takes on the role of femininity as a deviant identity can be femme.

I don't believe that femme is reserved for any type of person, there are femmes of all sexes, orientations, sizes, colors, etc. The only thing I believe must be present in order to embrace the identity of femme is just that: embracing the identity and consciously performing femmeininity.

So, by throwing away my old definition and using this (new to me) definition, that opens the door to things I never thought of before, like Tomboy Femmes. Sublime Femme describes tomboy femmes in her postTomboy Femme & Other Multigendered Femmes. She writes

Why are so many queer women still under the impression that, because they're a tomboy or sometimes feel butch/boyish, they're not really femme or are "less" femme? For me, this is exactly wrong. I see tomboy femme as a form of gender mixing (not gender transgression) that's both inside and outside the categories of butch and femme. I'm fascinated by tomboy femmes because their gender play makes visible the fluidity and flexibility of femme, which is otherwise difficult to see.

One of the struggles with femme identity is (in)visibility. While femmes consciously choose to be feminine, though as a deviant expression, it is often not distinguishable from traditional femininity.
Alphafemme writes about her journey to choosing femminitiy and straddling the road between embracing femininity but not being limited to it, in her post On Femininity.

But how do we do this? How do we strike the subtle balance between empowering women to be ourselves and celebrating femininity where we see it? How can we say, "you don't have to be this way, you're not limited to this expression of your identity" without implying, "you need to move on, break free, leave this antiquated self behind"? How do we recognize unempowered femininity and aim to empower it, while also strengthening and supporting those women who are purposefully and intentionally feminine? How can we do any of this without messy judgments and hurt feelings and alienation?

Femme identity is so much more complex than I ever imagined. I only briefly touched on it here, and as it is not part of my experience, I am certainly no expert on the topic.  Any femmes out there? 

Other Femme blogs to check out:
Sublimefemme Unbound
The Femme's Guide to Absolutely Everything
Femme Domestic
Femme Cast
Femmethology
The Femme Show

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs her everday life at gaymo.

]]> Gay Marriage Battle Picking Up Steam? http://www.blogher.com/gay-marriage-battle-picking-steam 2009-04-09T04:29:19-05:00 2009-04-09T04:29:19-05:00 no_I_am_zoe It's funny, I sometimes forget how quickly the tides can turn. Just when I start to get discouraged and begin to think a goal is unreachable, an unexpected event can shift the momentum, reigniting hope that was beginning to extinguish, and providing the spark much needed to propel me forward. My inability to see the forest for the trees sometimes, is probably why I both love and suck at playing Eurogames. Sorry, tangent.

]]> It's funny, I sometimes forget how quickly the tides can turn. Just when I start to get discouraged and begin to think a goal is unreachable, an unexpected event can shift the momentum, reigniting hope that was beginning to extinguish, and providing the spark much needed to propel me forward. My inability to see the forest for the trees sometimes, is probably why I both love and suck at playing Eurogames. Sorry, tangent. No, what I'm talking about today has nothing to do with lack of ability to excel at eurogames, but rather my inability to stay positive and remain focused on the big picture in the gay marriage rights battle.

After losing Prop 8, the primary national focus for marriage rights during the last election, many of us felt a bit defeated. But we used the loss as an opportunity to come together as group and gather our energy for a real national battle. I can't speak for anyone else, but it seems to me that that intense focused energy had a really short half-life. After spending my efforts to prevent an initiative to amend my state's constitution to define marriage as one man to one women, which didn't pass, I fell into a bit of funk, wondering how we were going to turn things around. But it looks like the momentum has shifted over the past week. And I for one am feeling hopeful again.

On April 3, the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously ruled that marriage discrimination based on gender was unconstitutional. On April 7, the D.C. Council passed legislation recognizing gay marriages from other states. Also on April 7, the Vermont Legislature got enough votes to over-ride the veto of a bill legalizing same-sex marriage. All three of these wins are great victories, and were much needed at this moment, but the Vermont victory is especially sweet. Why? Because same-sex marriage was legalized through the legislature. The opposition can not cry foul to the tune of "activist judges." Not only that, but it was passed not by a simple majority, but by a super majority.

It is my hope that these wins are just the beginning. New Hampshire and Maine are considering legislation similar to Vermont's. I don't think New Jersey and New York will be too far behind. With a few more wins we could be picking up steam. Though it is expected that Prop 8 will be upheld, there is movement to push a ballot initiative to take marriage out of the state constitution, and instead grant civil unions to all. Marriages would be left to the churches, and grant no more rights to couples than civil unions. All couples would be equal under the law. In my opinion, that's how it should be.

For those who are still discouraged and looking for a glimmer of hope, whether it's false or not, Nate Silver came up with a model to predict the years in which each state would vote against a marriage ban. According to his model, by the year 2012, half the states would vote against a marriage ban. This includes states that have already voted to ban same-sex marriage in the past. If I continue to be a resident of the great state of Indiana, I will have to wait until the year 2015. The last state to will be Mississippi, in the year 2024. I don't know how scientifically sound this model is, but it's interesting.

I know that gay rights have been a long battle that started before my time. I don't know how those who came before me, who had few rights and protections under the law did it. I know public sentiment is changing, and I just need to be patient. But sometimes, it hard for me to not get discouraged.

What about you? Do you get discouraged? How do you maintain a positive attitude?

Who else is writing about this?

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs her everyday life at gaymo.

]]> Women Leaving Men for Other Women, on Wednesday's Oprah http://www.blogher.com/women-leaving-men-other-women-wednesdays-oprah 2009-03-26T03:56:44-05:00 2009-03-26T03:56:44-05:00 no_I_am_zoe This month, O Magazine featured an article Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women, by Mary A Fischer, and as a companion piece, yesterday's, March 25th, Oprah show was Women Leaving Men for Other Women. I'm not sure exactly what it is about this being an Oprah topic that bothers me, but I'm a bit bothered.

]]> This month, O Magazine featured an article Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women, by Mary A Fischer, and as a companion piece, yesterday's, March 25th, Oprah show was Women Leaving Men for Other Women. I'm not sure exactly what it is about this being an Oprah topic that bothers me, but I'm a bit bothered. I will admit, I've only seen clips of the show, so I can't really speak to the entirety of the show, but I have read the article. I'm having a tough time fully collecting my thoughts here, so if I can't come up with a coherent thought train on this, I'm apologizing now.

For me the whole thing gets off on the wrong foot with the title. 'Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women' makes it seem as if it's a decision like, well I'm tired of cake, I think I'd like pie now. I believe it sets a certain tone, like one relationship is somehow better than, or the answer to the failure of the other. And that is certainly not the case. Sexuality is not a pragmatic decision. It is what it is, and you can't make yourself attracted to someone to whom you are not. Perhaps better titles, better content would have centered around 'Why Are Some Women Coming Out Later in Life?'

After implying that it is trendy and sexy to trade in your man for a woman, because people like Lindsy Lohan and Cynthia Nixon have done it, the article only briefly talks about why it is there seems to be a rise in late in life coming outs. Their answer, greater societal acceptance. I don't think most heterosexuals understand the pressure to conform that we, GLBT people, live with. It is especially tough in the teen through early 20 years when we are forming our identities, becoming our own person. Some of us have the strength to just be who we are and love who love. Some of us know who we are, but try to fit in by pretending we aren't who we are. Then there are some of us who are in such denial that we can't even see it until it jumps out and bites us. Unfortunately, this denial leads some LGBT people enter heterosexual marriages when they are younger, and though they may love their spouse and children, they eventually reach a point where they can no longer continue to deny their true sexuality.

The article also gets into the idea of fluid sexuality. Fluid sexuality is more about being attracted to the person specifically, in the sense that you may not normally be attracted to someone of that gender, but with regard to this person you are. Now while I like that the article puts forth the idea of fluid sexuality, I don't really buy that as answer to the original question of why women are leaving men for other women. Since fluid sexuality isn't really about one gender verses the other, but about being attracted to a specific person regardless of gender, then it isn't really about leaving one gender for the other. Though from the outside, it may be viewed as leaving a man for a woman.

In my opinion, the article gets too muddled with gender identity, gender roles, gender characteristics, and the specific of the couples featured in the story to reach any real conclusion. Or least to answer why women are leaving men for women. A few other women have written their two cents worth about this article.

violet analyzed this article in her post Feminism is to blame for this, of course She says,

All of this means the article-so close to being a genuinely-moving-if-shallow exploration of gender and sexuality-actually reads at various points more like it's titled, "Why Women Are Leaving Men For Other Women (Who Are Actually A Lot Like Men, So Your Patriarchal Notions Of Gender Identity And Presentation Need Not Feel Overly Threatened)".

Nat discusses the problems she has with the article in her post Oprah talks female homosexuality She says,

Something else that bugged me in the article was the apparent pitting of men versus women, as lovers and companions. The title of the article "Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women" does this at the start. Most of these women did not ‘leave' men for women. They didn't just decide to divorce their husbands, split up their families and drastically alter their lives, with the sole purpose of pursuing women. Many of them describe having ‘found' qualities in a women (not women) that they were attracted to and so were able to build new relationships that just so happened to be homosexual. One of them even said that it's about "being attracted to people". Good for her. That was not, however, the greater message that I abstracted from the article. This is not, of course, the fault of these women, but rather, the writer of the article, who, even in light of many of the womens' stories of being attracted to individual people not gender, insists on positioning women against men

Anna N at Jezebel writes

The fundamentally traditional roles in Gomez-Barris's new relationship obviously work for her and her partner, but they also point out a basic flaw in the O Magazine piece. As sensitively as she portrays lesbian couples, Fischer's approach is still pretty conservative. For instance, she promulgates the notion that sexual fluidity is mainly the province of women. She cites the oft-quoted 2004 study in which women were aroused by all types of pornography without examining the possible social or evolutionary underpinnings of this response. When she reports psych professor Lisa Diamond's finding that many women say "they are attracted to the person, and not the gender," Fischer never questions whether most men would feel comfortable saying such a thing. And she mentions Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" as an example of the new acceptance of lesbianism.

As I said, I didn't see the show, but from the clips I saw it looked like it featured some pretty emotional stories about the pain and process of leaving a hetersexual marraige for life as a lesbian. I sometimes worry about stories and articles like this. While they bring exposure LGBT life, I think they also sometimes create an unintended backlash. In looking through the comments at the Oprah community forum for the show Women Leaving Men for Other Women, there are heartfelt thank yous left with person stories of coming out late in life mixed in with rants about didn't these women take their vows seriously, and god created adam & eve. I hope more people were helped and touched by this show and article in O Magazine than whose panties got bunched.

What were your reactions to the show, and/or the article?

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs her everyday life at gaymo.

]]> I Wanna Hold Her Hand http://www.blogher.com/i-wanna-hold-her-hand 2009-03-19T01:41:08-05:00 2009-03-19T01:41:08-05:00 no_I_am_zoe I was originally planning on writing something about Rachel Maddow today. These days, it seems I can hardly make it through the lesbians blogs in my Bloglines without seeing at least one post about how smitten the blogger is with Rachel. But as I worked on the post, I got focused on one particular piece at After Ellen, Notes & Queeries: Rachel Maddow, Butch Fatale, by Malinda Lo.

]]> I was originally planning on writing something about Rachel Maddow today. These days, it seems I can hardly make it through the lesbians blogs in my Bloglines without seeing at least one post about how smitten the blogger is with Rachel. But as I worked on the post, I got focused on one particular piece at After Ellen, Notes & Queeries: Rachel Maddow, Butch Fatale, by Malinda Lo. My mind slipped into a single track, and my post started to evolve into more of a butch/femme piece, so I decided to save it and take it on another day when I could get out of my one track thinking.

In the mean time, I read Lesbians Holding Hands: A political statement?, by Sasha, and it made think about my own behavior, inhibitions, when in public with Betty Please. Sasha begins her post talking about how her mother is always telling her, that for her own safety, she and her girlfriend should not hold hands, or show any other displays of affection. While deep down, Sasha thinks her mom may have a point, she doesn't let her mother's fears influence her behavior. She writes

To me, every time a gay or lesbian couple walks down a street holding hands, gives each other a loving kiss or puts their arm around the one they love, they're taking a stand that says, "We're not going back into any closet just so that you can be more comfortable. We're not doing anything wrong. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We're as normal as you and deserve to live in the open like you. So get used to it."

Each of us can be an ambassador of sorts. By living an Out life, we keep the chance for dialogue open and we stand as an example to younger gays and lesbians that it's simply OK.

While I agree with what she is saying, I can't say that I always practice being out in public. And at this point in my life, I really am not sure why I don't. I don't know that it's really all that unsafe in my town. There are areas of town where we'd probably not get a second look for a PDA, and there are other areas where I just wouldn't even hint at being gay. But even in the areas of town where I am comfortable, I do not, would not, walk around holding hands with Betty Please. Though anyone with eyes could tell we are a couple, I am always acutely aware of the people around us, and of our closeness and of our every little action. And for why? I wish I could be comfortable walking around in hand-in-hand with her in public, but I'm just not. I let my fear control my actions, and my affection for my partner.

Lisa Moody speaks well to the point of always being on guard, in her post Consequences Hatred. She writes

As gays, we are ever-aware of our safety, emotional and physical. Nadine described it perfectly when she said that there is never a moment when she is holding her partner's hand in public that she is not aware that they are holding hands. She/we can never walk down the street and not be thinking about the fact that we're holding hands. Being that constantly conscious about anything is exhausting.

Do you know that moment, when you're holding hands, and someone who you sense is capable of extreme judgment is heading in your direction; and you suddenly let go? (If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, then you've either never been on the receiving end of discrimination, or had a violent threat or actual attack made against you... or you're simply too cool to admit you're ever afraid). My girlfriend is sensitive when I release my grip, and then, in turn, I am embarrassed by the fact that fear would drive me to drop her hand. So, now I've added another negative to the emotional pot, and that is shame. I am ashamed by my embarrassment of my fear. Good God, it's draining to be gay!

Portly Dyke, also talks about the absolute awareness of her actions when she is in public with her partner, in her post Take My Arm, My Love. She writes

However, I doubt that most straight, cisgendered people think about, or notice, how frequently they touch their partner in public in ways that are not necessarily "sexual" (in addition to kissing, cuddling, and the odd bum-squeeze) -- ie. holding hands, walking with an arm around the waist, smoothing the other's hair back out of their eyes -- nor do I think that most straight, cisgendered people are probably aware of the fact that when I touch my partner in public, it's nearly always a considered act.

It's true, you're not aware of every little action and interaction between a couple, until you have to act as though you are not. And when people are uncomfortable with you as a couple, or your interaction as one, they are going to notice every touch, every whisper, every look.  And believe me, they will let you know they wish you would not be so...you know, couply.

Recovery Discovery (R), wrote about a talk she had with her father last summer, when he thought she was being overly affectionate with her girlfriend. She challenged him to take a closer look at the other couples around them. She writes

I challenged him to consider that what felt different about him draping his arm around my shoulders was that he and I are not two females, and that it's his prejudice that raises his antennae when A and I hold hands or cuddle. I then pointed out all the couples around us that were holding hands or touching in some other way, and challenged him to look again in our family to see if my siblings or even my parents touch more than he realizes and he just doesn't notice. He agreed to look at it, and I did NOT agree to stop being affectionate with A around him.

It's not easy to take that kind of stand. I admire (R) for her "your discomfort is not my problem" kind of attitude, because at times it is definitely easier to cave into modifying your expression as a couple to make other people more comfortable.

So, I still don't know why I can't/won't hold Betty Please's hand in public. Maybe I'm just a coward, and am afraid someone will react to us in a violent or hostile manner. Just when I start to think attitudes are changing and I start to get comfortable with being more daring, and think the odds of something bad happening to us are slim, I hear about some awful anti-gay hate crime. Or maybe deep down I still harbor some shame about being gay, so I don't hold her hand in public because I don't want to confirm some strangers suspicion about me, and then have to endure their judgment. There is a certain comfort, security, in being able to pass as straight. Or maybe it's just such a habit from our days in the closet to not hold her hands, that I just can't do it now that I'm out. Whatever the reason, I wish I had the courage to not give a crap and just do it.

What about you? Do you hold hands with, or kiss your partner in public? Do you modify your level of affection depending on where you are; what city, what part of the city, what clubs or bars...

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She blogs her everyday life at gaymo.

]]> The L Word Series Finale, Love it. or Hate it? http://www.blogher.com/l-word-series-finale-love-it-or-hate-it 2009-03-12T02:33:13-05:00 2009-03-12T02:33:13-05:00 no_I_am_zoe I was an L Word fan from the day the pilot first aired on Showtime. Hell, Betty Please and I had been waiting for this show to air from the time we heard that Showtime might pick up a show called Earthlings (now The L Word). We TiVoed every episode, and we made sure we were home and in front of our television at 10 PM every Sunday night. We didn't clear the seasons from the TiVo until we had the DVDs in our possession. Even when the show went wonky, we continued to watch. Even after they pissed me off in season 1 when Bette cheated on Tina and then split them up, I still watched.

]]> I was an L Word fan from the day the pilot first aired on Showtime. Hell, Betty Please and I had been waiting for this show to air from the time we heard that Showtime might pick up a show called Earthlings (now The L Word). We TiVoed every episode, and we made sure we were home and in front of our television at 10 PM every Sunday night. We didn't clear the seasons from the TiVo until we had the DVDs in our possession. Even when the show went wonky, we continued to watch. Even after they pissed me off in season 1 when Bette cheated on Tina and then split them up, I still watched. Even after they killed off Dana, I stilled watched. Even after they crammed so much Betty down our throats that I threatened to stop watching, I continued to watch. Even after, even after... I still loved the show, I loved the characters, I just sometimes hated what they did to them. Though I was at times hugely disgusted, and left feeling betrayed by the show, I was still a huge fan. But, like all good things, it eventually had to come to an end. So, Sunday night we bid farewell to our show.

Going into the finale, I knew it was going be bittersweet. I believe it was time for show to end. I was sad, but prepared to let it go. I wasn't sure how they were going to wrap it up, because there were only 8 episodes for this season, and in the 7 episodes leading up to the finale they added more plot line rather than leading it to a close. But I had faith that my show would do right by me, and somehow bring it all together in the remaining one hour episode. Now here it is Wednesday night, and I'm still sitting here thinking, "Really? That's how it's going to end? Really? Does Ilene Chaiken just hate the show's fans? Seriously, WTF? " Nothing was resolved. The whole premise of the final season, 'who killed Jenny Schecter' wasn't even answered. And the feel of this episode, was just...I don't know, dark.

Now to be honest, I'd read a few interviews, so I knew going into the finale it was not going to be revealed who killed Jenny. No, to find that out, you'll have to check in with the Showtime website every Monday to watch the webisodes of the police interrogations. Of course I still don't believe that anyone other than Jenny, killed Jenny. If we are going on the character of the characters who we've come to love and identify with for the past 6 seasons, how can you draw any other conclusion? Suicide fits Jenny, and come on, none of others are killers. No matter how mad Jenny made everyone, I don't believe for one second, that any of them would have killed her over their grievances. But this is all leading up to the spin-off, The Farm, which hasn't even been picked up yet by the way, with Alice as the lead character. It's set in a prison. So I'm guessing Alice gets pinned for Jenny's death.

While I wasn't happy with the way the show ended, I tried to understand the creator's vision. Ilend Chaiken had said that Jenny was the window into these womens lives. While, I didn't really see Jenny as the central character, I can understand what Ilene was saying. Jenny was always writing about the other characters, bringing them to life in books and movies. So, I suppose that from that perspective, when Jenny dies, the window into those womens lives is closed. Their lives go on, unresolved conflicts and all. If Jenny was the window though, it would have made a bit more sense if she had narrated the show. But I'll make the stretch and try to buy the concept. But from my perspective as a fan, I want closure with the characters I love. And while I understand that as a creator and an artist, you have a certain vision, I also think that when you create something like this show that becomes more than just a televisions show, and has such great meaning to so many, it no longer belongs to you alone. You have a certain obligation to the fans to not follow every self indulgent whim on leaving the ending open for webisodes, spin-offs, and movies options, and to give your fans some closure. And while I'm griping, how about if charters don't do things completely contrarey to who they are, or who you've made them to be up to that point.

Though we were handed a crappy and unresolved ending, I clung to the hope that webisodes were going to give me what the finale didn't. Boy was I wrong. Granted, there is only one webisode so far, but that really left me saying WHAT THE FUCK? I find it hard to believe that the information we learned from that first webisode is in any way shape or form relivant to, not just Jenny's death, but to anything. It was shocking. I was disturbing. And I think it plays into lending creedance to certain stereotypes which are just not true. I really hope the webisodes don't exist for the sole purpose of exposing each character's deepest darkest secret, and having absolutely no relivance to the case, but hey it's shocking. I just found it disturbing and irresponsible.

So, yeah. I'm not happy about the way the show ended. I'm even less happy about the direction the webisodes seem they might go in. And I am not alone.
lesbo, of girls, girls, girls writes

i feel so betrayed as a loyal viewer. come on, lady! we're all attached to this show in numerous ways. and then you go and end the series in the way that you did?!
i'm starting to feel like you did what you did just to get attention and have there be all this commotion. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU DO THIS

Solo, of Solo Homo writes

What utterly insidious Betrayal. In the end, Ilene Chicken is Jenny Shecter personified. She strung us along with crumbs of feigned caring and affection, waiting 'til the precise perfect moment, and then.....whammy! Muaahhahahahahahhaha!

Dorothy Snarker, of Dorothy Surrenders writes

Despite the actresses' best efforts and many of the characters' genuine likability, the hallmark of "The L Word" over its six seasons has been missed opportunities and inconsistent storytelling. All of that was punctuated by the finale, which - to use a technical term - blew. It's not just that there were a million loose ends, but that the end did not justify the means. Why frame the entire last season as a murder mystery only to leave it stubbornly unsolved? Why end the first and only dramatic series about lesbians in death, period? The thing is, all these sins would have been forgiven had the finale approached anything close to being good. But, alas, it was not. Not even close.

Lydia Martin, of The L Word(s) at The Miami Herald blog writes

It's a lesbian show not because it gives us lesbian sex , but because the show itself acts like a lesbian. Here we are six years in and fed up, ready to say good riddance to the series that, yes, turned us on, even connected us with new friends, lovers and communities, but ultimately made us insane with its astounding lack of cohesiveness. Why won't it allow us to make a clean break? The damn thing is supposed to be over. We were supposed to start moving on.

Alright, it's time to take a deep breath now and let it go. Big inhale...Hold it. Exhale. OK. For as much as I hated the ending, I did enjoy the show for most of it's six seasons. I saw some aspect of myself in most of the characters. The show gave us visiblity. It seeped into and changed, lesbian culture and steretypes. And for the first time ever, we got to see some pretty hot lesbian sex scenes on television, which actually looked like real lesbian sex and not straight guy's lesbian fantasy.

We now all know I hated the finale, but did anyone actually like the way show ended? Or did you all hate it as much as a I did? What about the webisode?

As always, check out these bloggers for your L Word snark:

  • Riese's recap, at the brand new site Auto-Straddle version 1.0.
  • Dorothy Snarker's Pre-L recap at Dorothy Surrenders
  • KC and Elka'a podcast, The Planet: The Podcast for L Word Fans! , found at The Planet and also at iTunes.

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs her everyday life at gaymo.

]]> How do you survive the hard parts of a long term relationship? http://www.blogher.com/how-do-you-survive-hard-parts-long-term-relationship 2009-03-05T04:34:56-06:00 2009-03-05T06:54:25-06:00 no_I_am_zoe Remember back in the day when you and partner were crazy in love, and you just couldn't wait to start your life together?

]]> Remember back in the day when you and partner were crazy in love, and you just couldn't wait to start your life together? You just couldn't get enough of each other. You thought your partner was the greatest thing to come along since sliced bread, and you knew you were just made for one another. Your head would swim with all sorts of romantic notions of how life was going to be so perfect once you made a commitment to be together forever, and started your home. So in love, so happy. Forever, and ever.

I'm sure you remember the fantasy of how perfect your relationship, your life, was going to be. You thought you knew your partner better than you knew yourself. You always had fun together, and you agreed about everything. Every day was going to be blissful, and full of passion and romance just because the two of you were together. I suppose magic elves did the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the bill paying, the budgeting, and grocery shopping. I believe the elves also put gas in the car, ran all the errands, did all the yard work, scooped the litter box and took the dog out. Neither of you would ever be too tired, or too busy for sex. Which, by the way, would always be exciting and sizzling hot. Your partner didn't ever leave their socks on the floor, or hang the toilet paper the wrong way. They didn't snore, or hog the covers. And though you knew they had to come from somewhere, they surely didn't have a life outside of you, or before you, complete with parents, and siblings, and friends, relationships past.

You never had that fantasy? Okay, so maybe I exaggerated just a bit. I mean surely no one is naive enough to think relationships are all good times and no bad. But, I think most of us do enter our committed relationships a bit blinded by love, and still viewing our partners through rose colored glasses. We don't think about how the everyday pressures of life will impact our relationship. But anyone whose been in a long a term relationship knows, eventually the honeymoon will end, and you'll begin to see each other in a whole new light. You start to see the socks on the floor and the colony of wash cloths that grows on the bathroom counter. But you are sure, that in time, you can train your partner, mold them to your will. Over the years you will try many tactics to win the "proper way to hang the toilet paper" war. Little do we realize that the little things we battle over when we first move in together, are more than likely going to be the same things we bicker about 20 years later.

When Betty Please and I moved in together, I never imagined I'd become so uptight about socks. I don't understand why it is so hard to grab your socks up off the floor and put them in the laundry basket the next time you're headed that way, and she doesn't understand what's the big deal if the socks hang out on the floor for a while longer. It is something we will never see eye to eye on. After 13 years of living together, I have come to realize we are engaged in a sock cold war that will likely last our lifetime. The thing that's funny about the sock war, is that it's such a little thing, and yet we can't work though it to solve the problem. Of course, that would require that we both see it as a problem. Somehow in our years together we've survived real relationship stressors like money, sex, in-laws, job changes, grad school, house buying, seven year itch, grieving the loss of grandparents, and depression and anxiety, but socks, no we just can't get past the sock issue.

So just how is it we can get through the hard stuff in life, but we can't tear down the wall in the sock war? I guess I sort of answered that earlier when I said we both have to see the socks as a problem, and we don't. But, when the real hard stuff in life comes along, we both recognize that there is a problem, and we put aside our sock differences and focus our efforts as team to work out a plan to get us through. And I do believe that to have a successful relationship, you must think of yourselves as a team.

Working as team with Betty Please has never been difficult. We have so much in common, in the sense of goals, views, attitudes, morals, and similar upbringings, that we are usually coming from the same place and of one mind when it comes to solving a problem. And if we ever do disagree on how to handle a problem, we talk out an agreeable compromise. We both trust that we are each working in the best interest of team us, so compromise is never difficult to reach. In order to get to a good compromise you must have good communication.

Most any relationship advice you read will tell you communication is key if you want to have a successful long lasting relationship, and I'd have to agree. Good communication is important. You really can't get through the tough times with out good communication, even if hurts a little at the time. You've got to let each other know what's going on. You may possess some rare gift of mind reading, but the rest of us are not clairvoyant. Don't not talk about things because it's hard, and you don't want to deal with it. I know it's easy to avoid talking about things, I'm certainly guilty of that myself, but don't wait until a problem reaches critical mass before you address it with your partner. I suggest setting up a regular time when the two of you can sit down together and have a team meeting at which time you can discuss money, division of choirs, kids, schedules, life, your in-laws, worries, your sex life, or whatever. Don't wait until one party is so dissatisfied by something that it turns into a fight. Also, it's important to remember that half of good communication is listening. Really listening. Not half listening while you formulate a response. And sometimes listening is just about wanting to be heard and understood, not about problem solving.

Along with communication, staying connected as a couple is very important to surviving the hard times of a relationship. Of course losing connection as couple can also be a cause of hard times in a relationship. But when times get tough, we have tendency to withdraw and maybe hold back from our partners. Well I say, when times get tough, go out on a date. If money is tight, and maybe that's the cause of your woes, plan a date night in. Just make sure you do something fun together. Make each other laugh. Reminisce about the good times you've had together and remind yourselves why fell in love with each other. In good times and in tough times, don't underestimate the importance of a regular date night. Also, life gets busy, but don't let sex become your last priority. It is important not only to maintaining connectedness, but also for your physical and psychological well being. Schedule it if you have to. Make date night, date night.

Our life certainly turned out nothing like the fantasy I had in mind. I mean, where are the magical elves who do the housework and such, and what happened to all the hot sex we'd never be too tired for. Throughout the 16 years of our relationship, Betty Please and I have worked through a hard time or two. I don't really remember much of the hard times, how we got through them, or ever thinking that our relationship wouldn't survive it. I always knew we'd survive whatever because we had each other, and I knew she was as committed to team us as I was. I guess that's why when I think about hard times in a relationship, all I can think about is the sock cold war. The conflict we can never resolve, but don't lose any affection over.

I've always lived by the philosophy that you only get as much out of a relationship as what you put into it. Every day I put all I can into it, even on the days when I'm not feeling it. In fact, those are the days when it's important to give to the most. But anyway, I'm always looking for new tips and inspiring words. Here are few that I've found.

thepracticalpastorswife, who blogs at The Practical Guide for Pastors' Wives wrote these tips passed to her from her father

THE SIX MOST IMPORTANT WORDS
"I admit I made a mistake."
THE FIVE MORE IMPORTANT WORDS
"You did a good job."
THE FOUR MOST IMPORTANT WORDS
"What is your opinion?"
THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS
"If you please ..." (Although Ken would've said "as you wish," since he was a Princess Bride fan.)
THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT WORDS
"Thank you."
THE ONE MOST IMPORTANT WORD
"We."

Kristy who blogs at She Just Walks Around With It writes

Being Passive-Aggressive is destructive to you, to your partner, and to your relationship. It is also dishonest. It is your job, as a grown-up, to say yes when you mean yes and to say no when you mean no. If you aren't sure how you feel, it's not your partner's job to figure it out.

This piece of advice just made me laugh, not because it's not true, but because when I asked BP how she thought we got through the hard stuff in our relationship, she said "passive aggressive use of socks."

Chelsi who blogs at Girls Are Strange pretty much sums up how I feel about relationships in general. If you don't pick the right person to begin with, it will never work.

My advice: You can love someone to death, but that doesn't mean you like them, or that they like you. So, date someone you like. Someone who likes you back. Someone who makes you really good mix tapes. And, someone whose baby you wouldn't mind having should your birth control decide to stop working. That's the best I got.

For other resources check out:
10 Tips for a Good Relationship
10 Tips to improve your relationship with your spouse NOW
10 Tips Using Feng Shui for Love

What about you, what tips do you have getting through hard parts of relationships?

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She also blogs her everyday life at gaymo.

]]> Holy Lesbian, Batwoman! http://www.blogher.com/holy-lesbian-batwoman 2009-02-19T04:44:46-06:00 2009-02-19T04:44:46-06:00 no_I_am_zoe Coming soon, to a comic book store near you...She has long, flowing red hair, and wears a black half-mask to conceal her true identity. She dons red knee-high boots and a form-fitting black (in my mind, leather) body suite with a red bat emblazoned across the chest. She has a red lined black cape, and a red utility belt. She is one bad-ass woman who you don't want to mess with. She's easy on the eyes, as every super hero should be.

]]> Coming soon, to a comic book store near you...She has long, flowing red hair, and wears a black half-mask to conceal her true identity. She dons red knee-high boots and a form-fitting black (in my mind, leather) body suite with a red bat emblazoned across the chest. She has a red lined black cape, and a red utility belt. She is one bad-ass woman who you don't want to mess with. She's easy on the eyes, as every super hero should be. She is, Batwoman.

Starting this June, as Detective Comic's potential replacement for the missing and presumed dead Batman, Kate Kane/Batwoman will be the subject of the series for at least 12 issues. Did I mention that Batwoman is a lesbian? An OUT lesbian. I think I also read somewhere that she is Jewish too. But it's the lesbian part that is getting all the internet buzz. Now I guess that Kate Kane/Batwoman being a lesbian is sort of old news. Back in 2006, before her appearance in '52,' a New York Times article created a stir when it revealed that Batwoman was a lesbian. But save for maybe 3 issues, Batwoman hasn't really been developed as a character. Until now.

The relationship between Kate Kane and Renee Montoya has been touched on. You've seen it in "52." It factors into "Crime Bible." It factors into "Revelations." It factors in here. This is the story from Kate's side of it.
-Greg Rucka, from Greg Rucka Talks "Detective Comics" interview at Comic Book Resources.

Rucka says he's actually been developing Batwoman for the last two years, and his goal is to make her an established character. During Batwoman's 12 issue series, her origins story will be told. If you're curious, a sneak peak at the first five pages, can be found at Newsarama.

Some are claiming that Batwoman being a lesbian is nothing more than a publicity stunt. If it is, well, mission accomplished. DC Comics has successfully peaked my interest. I'll more than likely buy all 12 issues, because, well, I'm a sucker for a girl in leather. Especially if she's hot femme lesbian. And if it's not a stunt, well, good for them. It's about time that world gets to see a gay superhero who is the primary character in the plot line.

What I have found interesting about this story, is that the reactions are not what I would have expected. At least not in the GLBT blog posts I've read. What I expected to find were a bunch of posts by lesbians, all up in arms about the objectification of women and exploitation of (hot femme) lesbians for the gratification of geeky guys, and how Batwoman doesn't represent real lesbians because she is such a femme. You know what I mean? It happens every time there is a major gay character. They are either too this, or not enough that. We place high expectations on gay characters.

The harshest post I found in the lesbian blog world was by Dana at Mombian. After reading that the writer said Batwoman would make you think sexy like a succubus, she worries they will give her some crazy plot line.

Oh, great. All we need is another killer lesbian with bisexual tendencies. The only twist this time is that she's part of the lesbian baby boom. (One would imagine she'd do the inseminations herself, without the help of a male incubus.) Wonder if she carries a cryo tank on her utility belt?
-read Dana's post, Will Lesbian BAtwoman Steal Sperm to Impregnate Partner?

Other than Dana's post, the lesbians who I found who had written about this we excited about it. Most stated they had never been into comics before, but they were going to give this one a try. What really surprised me were some of the posts by men. Patrick, at Geek-Tastic worried this comic is really going to be little more than some male fantasy played out over the series.

Written by mostly men, I'm sure we're bound to see Batwoman turned into nothing more than a excuse for the writers and artists to have two scantily clad women making out in the pages of the Bat comics in a sad attempt to get horny fanboys to buy issues.

Somehow, I highly doubt we're going to be seeing an intelligent and deep character portrayal of Batwoman that shows her as a well rounded human being. No, all we're going to get will be tabloid style storytelling that only focuses on her sex life and doesn't really show her as the proper superhero she is.
-read Batwoman Really Likes the Lady's

Joe was bothered by the fact a gay super hero is a big deal. And suggests it is a publicity stunt to bust sales.

What I do find depressing is that its 2009 and a person's sexual identity - even a fictional person's - should be such a large area of discussion (at least the BBC was professional about it, I dread to think what the more exploitative tabloids are saying, especially given her tight costume and typically exaggerated superperson's physique). It comes just a few days after much world media discussion of the fact that Icleand's new Prime Minister, Johanna Sigurdardottir, is openly gay (although apparently the pragmatic Icelanders are less interested in that than what her new government will do to help their country). We're all equal and it really shouldn't matter, its what a person (again a fictional comics character or a real world politician) does that should be of import.
read- Mainstream media gets interested in 'lesbian Batwoman'

While I understand what Joe is saying, that it shouldn't be a big deal that Kate Kane is gay, I think it is a big deal. It's big deal because there are so few leading characters who happen to be gay. Usually the gay characters are barely two dimensional after thoughts, who play the role of the quirky side kick to provide comic relief. And though the side kick may say they are gay, and get to throw in some gay references, they rarely get to have a romantic life. At least not one that is prominent and visible.

My first reaction to hearing the Batwoman news was, "sweet!" While I of course worry that the writers will do something super crazy or irresponsible with her story line, I try to push it aside by remembering what Batwoman writer Greg Rucka said in his CBR interview

Yes, she's a lesbian. She's also a redhead. It is an element of her character. It is not her character. If people are going to have problems with it, that's their issue. That's certainly not mine. My job is to write the best book I can about a character that I think is exceptionally cool, that J.H. Williams thinks is exceptionally cool, that DC Comics thinks is exceptionally cool and worthy of being the lead player in "Detective Comics." And frankly, she should be judged on her merits.

I'm hoping that's true. I hope she is a super hero who happens to be gay. I don't want to read a comic that gets all preachy or full of gay stereotypes. I hope it means her plot flow will be just like any other super hero plot, except her romantic interests will be women rather than men. It would be interesting to know if DC comic sales of the Bat series increase at all as a response to this. I know I'll be buying a copy or two.

What do you think about the soon to be released Batwoman series? Is it a gimmick, or good news for the GLBT community. Will you buy it?

For other fun links check out these sites:
Lesbian Geek- topics include Table top RPGs, Sci-Fi, comics, anime, computing, gadgets, horror, and books.
The Hero Factory- turn yourself into a comic book super hero. Link thanks to Trinity2 who blogs at Fruit on the Bottom
Coming to Comic Store Near You: Lesbian Manga, post by Danielle Riendeau at After Ellen
Gay League- a listing of GLBT comic book characters.

 

Zoe is a BlogHer Contributing Editor (Life-GLBT). She blogs about her every day life at Gaymo.

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