“He died the way he wanted to,” she said. “He was very vocal about not wanting to suffer or be a burden to the family. He was adamant about not having a long, slow death caught in the grip of Alzheimer’s disease like his wife had been.” While my friend M misses her father dearly, she, too, is glad that he had “a good death.”
I think about death every day but not morbidly. I think about it mostly because I read obituaries in the paper. Reading obits introduces me to people I’d never have known about otherwise. There are so many wonderful people in the world! Some of them have great accomplishments and have won accolades. Others of them were ordinary people whose small accomplishments supported their families and their communities.
Obituaries often recount how people lived their lives. One woman who’d loved to garden was restricted in her nineties to a wheelchair and so she had her garden beds raised so that she could tend to them from the wheelchair. Another woman taught into her eighties and continued to tutor after that. A gentle-man worked at his law office every day until he died. A 19-year-old felled by ovarian cancer spent her last months cramming all sorts of loving activities in and awakened in her family a zest for living. While the deaths of children and young people sadden me deeply because they are or feel before their time, they are no less instructive about how to live.
Marilyn Johnson, a former obituary writer, celebrates the cult and culture of obituaries in her riveting book, The Dead Beat: Lost Souls, Lucky Stiffs, and the Perverse Pleasures of Obituaries.
There are dozens of examples of inspired obituaries in the book as well as stories from the annual conference of obituary writers. An example from the book shows that obituaries can be humorous:
"Selma Koch, a Manhattan store owner who earned a national reputation by helping women find the right bra size, mostly through a discerning glance and never with a tape measure, died Thursday at Mount Sinai Medical Center. She was 95 and a 34B."
Another book about obituaries has gotten great reviews, although I haven’t read it and therefore can’t personally vouch for it: OBIT. Inspiring Stories of Ordinary People who Led Extraordinary Lives by Jim Sheeler
A good death. If I must die (I say this seriously because up until about 10 years ago, I’d convinced myself that I wasn’t going to die) I hope to have a good death. Would that it be peaceful. Would that it also be scandal-free. Recently, certain high profile deaths also got me to thinking about the notion of having “a good death.” A refrain from a hymn often sung in the church I grew up goes like this:
I wouldn’t be a sinner.
Tell you the reason why
When my master called me
I wouldn’t be ready to die.
For some people, the ways they die overshadows who they were and what they may have accomplished. The deaths of singer, Michael Jackson, actor David Carradine, and reality show star Anna Nicole Smith, struck me in this way. Mr. Carradine’s death was not a good death at all caught as he was in a private sexual act that to my mind is unseemly for any age but most especially for a man in his seventies.
His and other “not good deaths” get me to thinking about things I’ve done that I wouldn’t want to be my parting act or part of my lasting legacy. (I dare not share them here.)
2009 is the 40th anniversary of the publication On Death and Dying written by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, psychiatrist, who passed in 2004. This groundbreaking classic and best-seller outlined the "five psychological stages of dying" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Throughout the 1970's, Dr. Kübler-Ross led hundreds of workshops and spoke to standing-room-only crowds throughout the world. Always outspoken, her work challenged the medical profession to change its view of dying patients and advanced many important concepts such as living wills, home health care, and helping patients to die with dignity and respect.
In preparing my living will and health care proxy, I had a conversation with my sister and found out that she wants all life-extension methods employed while I want no extraordinary measure taken if there is no chance for me to have quality of life. “I plan to wear out, not rust out” my sister always says as she lives with the demands of lupus.
BlogHer contributing editor, Megan, on "Sometimes Out of Death Comes Life: Happy Birthday Megan's Minute" writes about a friend's death that inspired her to start blogging as a way of sharing her writing.
Another post on BlogHer, End-of-Life Care: Working within the Laws Nature by Caregiving begins with these profound words:
"This is hard to hear, but important to know: When caring for an aging relative, you are helping a family member die well. The process of helping someone to die well begins early on in your caregiving journey. It begins when you first hear a diagnosis. Or, when you first notice that your mother just isn’t able to keep up the house as well as she used to. Or, when you celebrate your grandmother’s 95th birthday and wonder: Where did the time go?."
Angelina on her blog, Dustpan Alley, asks How do you Mourn Death?
She writes:
"It also reminds us that no one lives forever. We will all have our time in the sun and then we will move on. This is a non-denominational truth. It 100% doesn't matter what your spiritual beliefs are: we all die and whatever happens in that instant isn't about god or atheism or beliefs. Death does not require you to believe anything. It just is. It is."
And continues:
"The message of life and the message of death are almost indistinguishable. Like identical twins who learn to speak and dress differently but who, when stripped down to bones, were still split from a single cell. Life and death were split from a single cell too."
I apologize for the rambling nature of this piece but I am now ready to go back to my original point - a good death - I hope I have one and I hope that I will be ready when my time comes.
Right on is so righteous that we used to say it twice, “Right on, right on.” It was an affirmation of whatever someone else said.
A friend might say, “Let’s go get something to eat.”
]]>Right on is so righteous that we used to say it twice, “Right on, right on.” It was an affirmation of whatever someone else said.
A friend might say, “Let’s go get something to eat.”
You (or somebody else) would affirm their suggestion: “Right on, right on,” (or sometimes just the singular “Right on” if you weren’t a particularly effusive person.)
The expression, “dig it” was most famously brought into the lexicon in the song, Grazing in the Grass, released in 1969 by the group, Friends of Distinction.
It was a huge hit. Grazing in the Grass had a memorable refrain that was sung real fast:
I can dig it, he can dig it, she can dig it, we can dig it, they can dig it, you can dig it, oh, let’s dig it. Can you dig it, baby?
I could dig it, did dig it, and am ready to dig it again.
Other phrases I used a lot were:
* Jive – as in, he’s a jive person (not cool, flaky, undependable)
* Jiving – as in, “You’ jiving me?” (Meaning you’re putting me on or lying to me.)
* Mellow – as in, “It’s mellow” and “mellow out.” (Meaning it’s calm, chill out.)
* Baaddd – as in that’s a baaddd hairdo, album, dress, outfit – meaning it was fantastically-gorgeous & wonderful. (“She’s a bad mamma-jamma, just as fine as she can be,” written by Stevie Wonder and recorded by Ohio Players, The Gap Band, and Stevie Wonder.
* Trip – as in that’s a trip or you’re a trip (you’re out-of-your mind)
* Groovy – Meaning okay.
* Pad – The place you lived as “are we going to your pad or my pad.”
* Crash – As in, we’re all going to crash at Etta’s pad (meaning hang-out for the evening).
* Later – As in “see you later.”
* Be there or be square – I think you get it.
* Cool – it’s cool, it’s A-okay (as opposed to just okay).
Every generation of teens comes up with their own language to talk to each other and code their parents and other adults out. A lot of teen-slang today is abbreviated, phrases derived from the technology they use. They “friend” people.. A current phrase that I would use if I were a teen now because it’s so cool is explained by BlogHer.com correspondent, Virginia DeBolt, in
Pardon me? Was that the latest slang?
Obama means cool. If you're Not Obama, you, I'm sad to say, are not cool. Get busy and get your Obama on.
Obama. Cool. Very cool. Right on.
There are a lot of blogs that discuss slang of the 1960s. Darlene McFarlane on socyberty.com, reminded me of a phrase I hadn’t heard in a while, “Far-out” they hippies used it a lot to describe things and people, “that’s far-out man.”
She writes: “If something was far out, it was better than groovy. “Pete’s a real far out guy!”
Cynthia C. Scott wrote an article, Vietnam Slang, on the website “Rewind the Sixties.” She reminded me that the Vietnam War, as do all wars, brought a # of phrases into our everyday conversations.
When Vietnam vets returned home from the war, they introduced terminology and slang that was commonplace within the military into the language. These terms are composed of French/Vietnamese words that were spoken by the Vietnamese natives and adopted by soldiers and, in some cases, turned into pidgin words; compounds of English words, creating new terms; or acronyms and the abbreviations of words or terms.
Boo-coo: a bastardized French word, derived from beaucoup, meaning "much" or "many." (My friends and I would describe a party, thusly, “we had boo-coo fun!” That meant a whole lot of fun.)
Bummer: bad luck, a real drag, i.e. "That's a bummer, man."
We also called each other “Brother” and “Sister” because we were united in the struggle for freedom. (Took ourselves quite seriously.) We “liberated” (permanently borrowed also known as shoplifted) items from “the man” (the establishment) and “gave each other five” afterwards.
Language is such a dynamic force for expressing the times we’re living in. I’d “run it down” for you more but I got to “split” right now.
Right on!
Also see: Urban Dictionary
]]>When I was growing up in St. Louis, we used to have play-cousins, play-auntees (pronounced “ain-tees”), and play mamas. This was the designation for someone who was like family but not actually a relation.
My granddaughter’s father also has a son, who lives with them half-time. I love him. Initially, I loved him as I love any child who comes within my orb – a general, all-encompassing love. To me, children are ‘sposed to be loved.
]]>When I was growing up in St. Louis, we used to have play-cousins, play-auntees (pronounced “ain-tees”), and play mamas. This was the designation for someone who was like family but not actually a relation.
My granddaughter’s father also has a son, who lives with them half-time. I love him. Initially, I loved him as I love any child who comes within my orb – a general, all-encompassing love. To me, children are ‘sposed to be loved.
Then that love grew to be specifically for him, as I came to know him on visits, calls and “skypes.” I love the little boy-ness of him. I love the warm, Southern twang to his voice. I love the gap between his two front teeth similar to mine, making his smile familiar.
There are also a pair of siblings, Dar and Dia, who are friends to my granddaughter and step-grandson, with whom my relationship is clear: I am their play-grandmother. Their parents are friends with my daughter and my son-in-love (not yet in-law). They stay at my daughter and son-in-love’s home many weekends and always when I am in town.
All of the kids call me Grandi, a play on my nickname, Candi, and my role, grandmother.
The children get it. They understand. You give them love. You make them welcome in your arms and lap. You listen to them. You play games, draw pictures, and make cookies with them to say nothing of the countless books you perform/read to them.
Adults don’t always get it. Adults think: motive, angles, proportions and turf. Rather than go with the feelings, they think:
Motive – What motivates this stranger to love my child when she doesn’t have to? There is no blood or contract binding us.
Angle – What’s her angle? What is she trying to do with her love?
Proportion – Does she give equally to the non-blood grands as she does to the grand that shares her DNA?
Turf – Why is she coming to this event? Who is she to think she can teach my child this? This is a family event, she doesn’t have to be included.
They also, rightly, think about protection – Will she pull her love away based on the ups & downs between her daughter and son-in-love?
I’m trying to ignore the adult stuff and focus on the kids who I love.
Lots of other people have thought more deeply about it than this. There is some sound advice out in the blogosphere.
In An Extra Step: Stepgrandparents, Brette Sember writes:
“When you remarry, your child not only has a stepparent and possibly stepsiblings, but he or she suddenly has stepgrandparents as well. The impact of the stepgrandparent varies, depending on your family situation. But no matter how you slice it, step grandparents add yet another layer to an already complicated family.
Name Game
It is important that all grandparents have different names and that a child is not asked or required to call a stepgrandparent by the same name as a true grandparent. Some people are comfortable with the use of first names for stepgrandparents. For those who are not, come up with different honorary names (such as Nana, Papa, Bubbe and so on) or attach a title to a first name, such as Grandma Jo."
I don’t agree that all grandparents should have different names/titles but I understand her point.
In another blog, Mona Loeser advises:
“Children need all the loving people in their lives that they can get. There is a place for everyone to be actively involved in the lives of the children. But maneuvering this sea can be treacherous. It's up to you to make it happen.” (Stepgrandparents: How Grandparents Can Help in Family Transitions)
I so agree, children need caring and principled adults in their lives so if you have someone who loves them, like me, don’t block the blessing.
Sometimes sets of grandparents, both blood and step, have issues, including jealousy and the aforementioned turf. In my situation, my son-in-love’s mother lives in the same city. She has physical access to my granddaughter and step-grandson whenever she wants. I see them less frequently. I have felt jealousy about her proximity but am also delighted that at least one grandmother is nearby. (Until I move down there, one day, then I’ll be taking over! Just kidding.)
On the blog, Ask Mama Capps, this wise woman gives sound advice to parents:
“Just remember that you and your fiancé are the parents in charge. It is your responsibility to protect both children from situations that may cause them to feel anything but loved by all in their lives. Set the rules that you two can live with without discord and insist everyone else follow those rules. Your responsibility is to those in your home and the children in your charge. Other’s feelings are not so important that a child should be hurt in any way. A blended family can be successful but everyone needs to be made aware that their actions impact the children in ways they may not realize.”
To the aforementioned children and to any others they may come along the way, I’m your Grandi, offering a grand love, there’s nothing "play" about that.
]]>I got married for the second (and best) time at 50. Among friends and colleagues, a number of us have gotten married in our early fifties – many for the second time and a few for the first.
]]>I got married for the second (and best) time at 50. Among friends and colleagues, a number of us have gotten married in our early fifties – many for the second time and a few for the first.
We arrived at these marriages by different routes:
* Some of us found mates who had been right in our backyards even if slightly off our radars.
* Two of us met and connected/courted through on-line dating sites.
Another married her best friend.
* One friend thought she’d never get married and was surprised when, in fact, she did at age 52.
Many of these relationships happened in that window of opportunity that opens when first marriages dissolve whether by disinterest, disarray or death of a spouse. I believe that many people, especially male people, who have had happy long-term first marriages are inclined toward marriage and, if you happen into their emotional space, a marriage may likely result.
One thing for sure, marriage at 50+ is a different thing than it is in your twenties and thirties Or at least it has been that way for me.
A 48 when I started dating my husband, I was fully and firmly formed (as was he). Both of our children were launched into independent adulthood. I was figuring out what my next decade would look like. I never saw him coming because I was literally planning to move from Boston and had stopped thinking of Boston as having any possibilities for me. Yet, when I least expected it, there he was.
I anticipated that we’d have difficulty living together, especially since I hadn’t lived with a mate in twenty years. I found it surprisingly and delightfully easy to cohabitate because:
* We bought a house together and so moved into a space that was a celebration of and reflection of us and no one else.
* We have enough room to have separate studies (on two different floors).
* We have no children-at-home and the drama that they can bring.
* We’re pretty compatible.
* We're just plain old cool people.
I have had to learn that marriage is not a roommate situation. Treating it more like a union with joint goals and responsibilities has been where my learning curve has been. I’m independent to a fault.
I am often asked by female friends a question that goes something like, how do you meet a man at my age?
Here’s my advice gleaned from my own experience and the experiences of the aforementioned friends:
* Make a list and check it twice of what you want in a partner.
* Tuck the list away (after meditating and/or praying on it).
* Advertise your interest and availability for love by living fully and telling people whose taste you trust that you are “single and ready to mingle.”
* Go out and about and date to date not to mate (until someone comes along that is worthy and ready).
* Go places where there are men (it is quite easy to live a females-only existence which is often fulfilling but won’t get you a man).
* Have a mixer where everyone you invite is charged with bringing an eligible single good-guy.
* Learn to flirt and follow-up on possibilities.
* Join affinity groups – like biking, hiking, investment and other groups – great ways to meet people.
* Believe in your desirability and the possibility of meeting a mate.
* Expand your thinking of what a mate for you will look like - he might be shorter, taller, whiter, browner, thinner, fatter - and so on, than you imagined in your younger years.
He is out there. Believe.
Related Links:
Women after 50 don't want to be a 'nurse or a purse' writes Jane Glen Hass. Her Haas Theory of Marriage concludes “that most women who are widowed or divorced after age 50 would like a companion but not another wedding ring…”
In the book, Late Love: A Celebration of Marriage after Fifty, Eileen Simpson interviews fifty women and men in mid-life and older about the nature of their late marriages. Simpson writes positively about these marriages saying that "such marriages can be among the best relationships we ever have. " She also finds that there's no formula for success in marriage after 50. Some people "return to long-lost lovers from their youth, while some yearn to find a different kind of partner from their first or early flames."
Number five in the blog post, 7 Ways to Survive Dating Over 50 by midlifemuse, advises women to: Lighten Up
"When I was young, I took the whole dating thing so seriously. As I think back on it, the end goal was to get married and have a family -- at least that's what I learned back in the day. Now I don't really worry about getting married again. So I'm less wedded -- not to make a pun -- to the end result and more to the journey in a relationship. "
Sharon Jayson, a correspondent for USA Today, wrote "Singles Find Love, Marriage After age 45." In it she quotes Carl Weisman author of So Why Have You Never Been Married? He conducted an online survey for the book and found that 48% of the 1,533 bachelors ages 40 and older who responded said they were afraid of marrying the wrong person.
"They'd rather go to the grave unmarried than marry someone wrong," says Weisman, 49. "The No. 1 fear is marrying the wrong person — more than not marrying at all — by 10 to 1."
We all have to learn to take a chance on love. In order to succeed at love (which for some of us means marriage or another form of committed relationship) you must risk failure. There's just no way around it.
]]>That initial letter renewed my personal practice of writing letters and started me on a journey to write several others to my siblings and friends telling them what I appreciated and loved about them. Letter writing, especially penned by hand and sent via postal mail, is a lost-art these days or so the dire statistics from various articles in the media would have one believe. My own experience of those 15-odd letters I penned was that it was better to give because most of the recipients didn’t feel so inspired to send a letter to me…whatever…that wasn’t why I sent them.
Milton J. Valencia penned a letter about the lost art of letter writing in a recent article in the Boston Sunday Globe called “Last Lines.”
Another article in that issue also talked about the fact that penmanship, especially cursive writing, is getting very little attention in most schools today, getting taught briefly in third grade if at all. I’ve had people (adults and adolescents) tell me that writing makes their hands hurt. This always makes me think of lessons in printing and cursive writing in chalk at chalkboards (remember those?) and in the specially-lined paper used to practice writing in elementary school.
I have always liked writing and receiving letters, postcards and greeting cards. I send thank-you letters out religiously, most often penned by my own hand. Need a reference letter? I’m your woman and can turn one around in mere hours. Although I communicate daily via email, it does not replace hand-written letters, with which I take more care. I email things I would never take the time to hand-write (like jokes for example) but I also pen things I would not email.
The December holidays will find me sending out more than 125 greeting cards. I will use surplus cards from previous years and have begun buying new ones at various stationery stores, Marshall’s/TJ Maxx, and drugstores. Because I send out so many cards, I get lots back. I sit them on top of the entertainment center in my living room and tape them on the glass-paned door to the hall-way. Looking at them makes me feel surrounded by the love and well-wishes of all the people who’ve sent them to me. It is a thoughtful and not inexpensive act, these days, to send a personal greeting.
I also display birthday greetings and those from other holidays. It just makes me feel good to be surrounded by these tactile expressions love of family and friends. Electronic greeting cards give me that feeling for a moment but then they’re gone – either deleted or saved where they might be opened again and again but rarely are.
I used to keep all the cards I received but now I recycle all but the most personal. I send the card-fronts to a charity that uses them and put the backs in the recycle bin.
Blogger Carla asks readers to “Write, Mail, Connect.” She has undertaken an ambitious project – to write a letter everyday in 2009. She began on January 1. “My friends and family, and my connections to them, are the reasons for this project and this blog.”
Another blogger, Wendy, has a passion for letter writing
I especially enjoyed a recent post she did on “legacy letters.” She writes:
“Today I ran across a web site that talks about legacy letters or ethical wills. These are documents you can write to pass on your values to your children or grandchildren as a legacy to them, just like you might pass on your grandmother’s tea set or whatever.”
She recommends the site, Life Legacies. It was founded by Rachael Freed, founder of Women’s Legacies™. Ms. Freed that encourages the writing of spiritual-ethical wills as a way to communicate one’s legacy. She has a book, Women’s Legacies, Women’s Lives that is available through this website.
PR guru, author and activist, Terrie Williams, in her first book, The Personal Touch wrote about her practice of keeping a box of stationery at her desk so that if she heard someone had a birthday, was ill, or had good news, she had the tools in hand to write them a personal note. It was published in 1994 (my, has that much time passed!). I read the book in galley form and took her advice. About 70% of the cards in my stationery box are blank cards. I like the freedom they give me to write my own thoughts, which is much more personal than simply signing a prepared card (although I do go that route some times).
Author, Umberto Eco, in an eloquent short essay, “The Lost Art of Handwriting” recently published in The Guardian feels that it is still important for the art of handwriting and of letter-writing to be practiced and even elevated:
“People no longer travel on horseback but some go to a riding school; motor yachts exist but many people are as devoted to true sailing as the Phoenicians of 3,000 years ago; there are tunnels and railroads but many still enjoy walking or climbing Alpine passes; people collect stamps even in the age of email; and armies go to war with Kalashnikovs but we also hold peaceful fencing tournaments.”
(I wish he hadn’t included the going to war part but…)
I do not accept that letter writing and hand writing are relics. I think both have a place in this world no matter what one’s age. What do you think?
I also find it delicious to read the correspondence between lovers, historical figures, etc.
I truly enjoy letters in such books as Love Letters Lost and Other People’s Love Letters. Please share your favorite books of letters with me.
But of course the truly best letters are ones I’ve received and tucked away to be pulled out and experienced anew from time to time. Reading those words meant for me, for my eyes only, well, it’s a thrill unlike any other. Holding the paper is a sensual pleasure. I will continue to write and read letters for the remainder of this life.
]]>]]>“So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
“So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine…
This anthem to feeling and being fine “at a time in my life” is imminently danceable. (Check out this YouTube video, “Go Hard or Go Home –Line Dance – Just Fine,” poorly lit though it is, of a group of Black people joyously dancing to this anthem at a festive gathering.)
Now, to get to the point of this post. Feeling good about the way you look is difficult for many women in this society no matter what our ages because so many of us have bought into “the beauty myth(s)”** hurled at us through various media and come to believe the hype.
Some of us, however, come to our senses and that often happens in middle age. I’m here to tell you that you can feel good about, accept and love the skin you’re in. There is a unique beauty in midlife. The freedom of being seasoned, sassy, sexy, more certain, more joyful…what a combination!
For examples of older beauty and chutzpah, look no further than the blog Advanced Style which features photos of fabulous, stylish, flamboyant women and men of the senior set, most of whom are everyday people. (The blog accepts photo submissions.) I like that the site features people from a wide range of ethnicities and sizes. It recently featured fabulous photos of 95 year old model and actress Mimi Weddell, who puts me in mind of the fabulous Carmen Dell’Orifice who is in her 70s and going strong as a model. She is beautiful and she wears her age in her own way.
Particularly among the celebrity set, there is ample evidence of women who don’t embrace getting older, fight it tooth and nail, and often ending up looking like caricatures of themselves. Joan Rivers, Cher, and Madonna come quickly to mind.
Gillian Lancaster, on her Midlife Rediscover blog wrote a post, “Is Madonna the poster child for a midlife crisis?” Citing criteria for a midlife crisis by Dr. Miriam Stoppard, she writes:
“This conclusion was drawn from observing photos of Madonna, showing her dressing and behaving like a teenager, being fanatical about exercise and diet, and conspicuously having failed to re-define herself as a woman of fifty….The article goes on to suggest the range of behaviors women who can’t come to terms with aging will do to avoid facing reality. These include hanging on to outdated behaviors, dating much younger men, acquiring children to feel like a young mother for longer, and obsessively trying to make their bodies look like they did a quarter century earlier. Certainly from photographic evidence, it would appear that Madonna fits all those criteria.”
Oh, Madonna! She’s joined the legions of men who fight growing older by going through various midlife antics all of which are doomed to fail. We can be energetic, we can try new things, we can take care of ourselves but we cannot stop aging. The life contract just doesn’t work that way.
Linda Matchan, a columnist for the Boston Globe, wrote an essay entitled “Zoomer Generation.” She borrows this phrase from Moses Znaimer who is president of CARP, a Canadian organization similar to America’s AARP. He is aiming to establish “a new vision of aging for Canada.” “You are a Zoomer,” he says, “If you still look forward in life and to life and remain open to new things.”
Matchan bemoans the frumpy looking clothes that are often designed for women over 40, especially “mother of the bride dresses.” (Although this is easily avoided if one doesn’t shop at stores that claim to offer clothes for a certain age.) Her rant makes some salient points, but it doesn’t quite get to my point.
I’m here to tell you: You can wear your hair long, no matter what your age, even long and grey/silver/white! You can wear bright colors. You can wear whatever you like really, even if it’s not my taste. If you are fashionable you can be fashionable at any age. If you’re not and give a twit for fashion – you can be you! After all beauty is in the eye of the beholder (even if you’re the beholder of your own beauty) and pretty is as pretty does.
And even though it’s not what I’m choosing to do – knock yourself out with lifts and tucks, dyes and Botox, this and that, film and flam. Just don’t think it’ll make you anything other than the age you are
,
*Just Fine performed by Mary J. Blige.
Songwriters, Anton Phalon Alexander, Mary J. Blige, C.A. Stewart & Terius Youngdell.
**The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women by Naomi Wolf was first published in 1991.
]]>My daughter’s internet search skills uncovered a half-sister I didn’t know I had and found my biological father whom I hadn’t heard from (or even thought was alive) for 40 years. She is the keeper of the family tree on Ancestry.com and has gathered photos from relatives via postal-mail that do not have email or computers that she uploads onto the My Family and Ancestry accounts. She has traced the family on her father’s side back into slavery times with the aid of on-line resources. Her activities have gotten some of our computer-phobic relatives to get on board.
On Facebook I have been pleasant surprised by the number of connection requests I've received from many of my children’s childhood friends who remember the special meals, overnights and adventures we shared and reach out to connect to “Miss Silva” as they call me (no matter how many times I told them to say, “Msssss. Silva” because I haven’t “missed” anything).
The webcam and the application Skype have allowed me to reach across the miles and read books to my granddaughter, sing songs with her, watch her as she twirls around and takes a bow, or just plays in the background as my daughter and I have a virtual visit. My granddaughter knows me and is not shy when we see each other face-2-face. I AM HER NOT-SO-DISTANT GRANDMOTHER AFTER ALL! Skype also allows me to look into my drama-prone daughter’s face and see how she is really doing beyond what her words say.
Getting the rest of the family to Skype has not proven easy and I’m talking about the ones who already have computers. You would think I was asking them to fly to the moon. Except for two cousins, who also happen to be sisters, none of the family has gotten on board. We do, however, have an Uncle who forwards every joke and rumor on the internet. He doesn’t write messages or notes himself, rather he passes along jokes. Expecting this I can open them or not. This is his way of staying connected. Before he got a computer, we never heard from him at all. Other relatives will occasionally upload a photo every now and again. Still others are sharing recipes.
In the past year, my siblings have now begun to communicate more regularly via email than they ever did with postal mail. The three of us used email to plan the surprise party we gave my mother and stepfather for their 75th and 81st birthdays, respectively. It was an efficient way to share research, organize the details and update progress.
Technology is neutral; it is we users who determine its value. I have noticed that younger family members and friend play more with technology in ways that seem frivolous and often too revealing to me. I don’t want “ghetto snacks” or “to see what kind of gangsta I am” and other applications on Facebook. I have disconnected with many people who sent too many updates. Most of my family and friends within my age range use technology to communicate longer thoughts and ideas and rarely engage in shorthand statements. I recognize and work with our generational differences. At least we are communicating!
Internet technology is my friend and when it isn’t, I love the fact that it has an off-button that I can use to keep it from encroaching on real interactions in real time. The internet is keeping my family connected and shortens the physical distance that separates us. Before too long, I know that I will have my mother, sister, brother and son on Skype and we will get to see each other’s faces whenever we want and not just the once or twice a year when we are in the same place. I also anticipate it becoming commonplace for us to video conferencing capabilities to share weddings, graduations, and other events when cost and time concerns prevent some of us from getting to special events.
Related:
CosiCeleste asks, "Can Youtube Bring Families Together" on The Experience Project blog.
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Lauriewrites, discusses distance grandparenting on "Grandparenting Long Distance with Love and Technology."
Joyce Costello discusses how families can share special events in real time across the miles in a post for military families.
]]>Each year has its activities and events: music, family gatherings, holidays, visits to or from friends and family. Then, there are the everyday activities that one does almost by rote. Birthdays act as markers, sign posts along the way of one’s life. They must be acknowledged. A new year lies before you chock-full of delicious possibilities:
-A manuscript you’ve written could be accepted.
-An editor could read your blog posts and offer a book contract,
-Your two single friends might find love and commitment after longing for it so long.
-You just might hit the lottery in a big enough way to unburden your debts and achieve some dreams.
A woman who is 55 will never be 30 again, but she carries and celebrates her 30 year old self as she lives through her current age. Defining yourself by how you feel, what you do, how you live, and what you plan is important no matter your age. Owning your years means saying yes to yourself. What matters who says you can’t or shouldn’t do something or other if you say you can Ignore those who cajole you to “act your age.”
The blog, Advanced Style always lifts my spirits because it features photos of older people in sartorial splendor. (Anyone can contribute photos to this site.) The people on this site are vibrant, vivid, bold and unique. I visit this site at least once per week.
Another blog I visit frequently is Lilly’s Life. Lilly is irreverent and her posts are often laugh-out-loud funny. A make-up artist by profession and a young mid-lifer, she recently wrote a post called Au Naturale Injections that begins, “Dear Women of a Certain Age..” and goes on to discuss pros and cons of having cosmetic work. Lilly writes, “However, if ‘I do get work,’ you can be sure I won’t be lying about it.” She goes on to offer make-up advice for women of a certain age,
While reflecting on my recent birthday, I thought about the years that got away from me when I was essentially sleep-walking through life waiting for whatever the latest “it” was that I wanted to happen. At some point, I realized that I needed to “carpe the effin diem.” This caused me to pick up a book that helped kick-start me during the time of my sleep-walking – Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. Fears, some irrational, some tiny, some rooted in reality, were holding me hostage. This book liberated me by saying that I could be afraid and work through my fear.
I have also learned to feel good about the steps I take (I suddenly hear Sting singing) and efforts I make toward my goals even as certain dreams remain elusive.)
All of this reflection on the importance of each year has been primed by my recent birthday and my planning a surprise birthday for my Mom’s 7th Just 20 years ahead of me, my mother is my future and my past. Seeing her still spry, stylish, and feisty with the ribald younger woman she was surfacing through the gentler persona she’s assumed as the elder in our family is reassuring. Mom is embracing 75 and planning her outfit for the annual black and white ball she attends with as much passion as she did in those years when she would have designed and made the outfit herself!
So, yeah, I am embracing each day of this my 55th year, looking forward to each pleasure, each task, each possibility. The only alternative to being older is to be dead. Here’s to wearing out, not rusting out! (The women at MidlifeBloggers.com are full of advice and reflections of this marvelous time.)
]]>I’m finding it best to address the age elephant in my job search and in interviews and have done so in the following ways:
* Submitting a cover letter with a summary of my specific qualifications for the job at hand and not attached a resume.
]]>I’m finding it best to address the age elephant in my job search and in interviews and have done so in the following ways:
* Submitting a cover letter with a summary of my specific qualifications for the job at hand and not attached a resume.
* Submitting said cover letter with a list of recent clients and projects that I’ve worked on.
* Eliminating dates on my resume.
* Asking “How would you feel about having someone older on your team and/or about supervising someone who is older?”
* Addressing why I’ve applied for the particular position (and not a more senior position).
* Giving specific examples of how I’ve worked as a member of a team and in collaboration with others.
* Referring to my use of social networking and blogging experience.
These techniques have gotten me two second interviews with two potential employers in the past two weeks.
Follow-up:
The other action I’m taking is to follow-up on every thing that smells like an opportunity, to whit:
I met a woman who has a small foundation when we both were respondents for a series of presentations by participants in a leadership program. She mentioned she’d like to hear more about my work. I followed up with her a couple of days later and contacted her for tea. I’ve just submitted a scope of work proposal for her. I could tell that she was surprised that I followed-up.
A friend did an introduction, via email, of me to a director of a non-profit organization who is looking for someone to do training and/or write curricula, both of which I’ve done. He said he’d get back to me after his vacation. I sent him a reminder email a week after the stated date of his return. He thanked me for following up and scheduled a phone conversation for Friday.
Renew the Network:
I’ve had separate and distinct concentrations in my work life. I’ve renewed contact with former colleagues letting them know that I’m interested in working in the field again. I’ve also introduced myself to new staff at organizations I used to work for. I’ve found that some of the new (and younger) staff members “know of me” and this has helped open the door to creating new relationships as a freelancer.
Defining Myself:
I am a unique woman with a special set of skills, experiences, values and purpose. As I define myself and what I'm looking for, I do not let age define me but my age accompanies me every where I go. Embracing all of me and making sure "my first step is a winning step" (to quote Phillippe Petit, the French high wire artist) is helping me achieve the outcomes I must have: meaningful ways to make a living.
Related:
Women Work!: The National Network for Women’s Employment, whose mission is “to advance economic justice and equality for women” offers useful employment options and resources for midlife and older women.
Bridge the Generation Gap with a Younger Boss by Roberta Chinsky Matuson offers helpful tips including “be an employee not a parent” and “manage your own insecurities.” She suggests being open with your supervisor. This is important because whenever we feel insecure, we tend to draw in, put a wall up and non-engage, none of which will help us fit in as part of a team or improve the employee/employer relationship.
In the NY Times, an article written by The Editors, "Older Workers Need not Apply" offers a sobering look at the reality of the job search for older workers. (Older includes people 45.) It rounds up five academics to speak on the subject and they mostly talk about the economics of older workers with larger salaries. As always, the discussion in the reader posts is as illuminating on the topic as anything the academics have to offer.
On The Blog, 2Young2Retire, there's a great article called Prune That Resume.
Finally, I recommend this post by Elana Centor. In “A Relationship Wrought with Tension: Younger Boss, Older Employee” she gives the skinny on the tensions and how they can be overcome.
]]>When I was in my thirties and forties, there were virtually no names to delete and the few people who passed were people much older than me.
This has changed dramatically since I turned 50. Deaths among my contemporaries and near-contemporaries - friends, family and former colleagues – have become more frequent. As I scroll through my phone book, outlook contacts and business card binder, I run across their names:
]]>When I was in my thirties and forties, there were virtually no names to delete and the few people who passed were people much older than me.
This has changed dramatically since I turned 50. Deaths among my contemporaries and near-contemporaries - friends, family and former colleagues – have become more frequent. As I scroll through my phone book, outlook contacts and business card binder, I run across their names:
*The consultant with whom I worked on a long-term project.
*The friend who took care of my son in her family daycare.
*The former lover.
*The guy who had a long talk with me about my working beneath my abilities and encouraged me to propel myself out of the secretarial pool.
*The friend I met at the Parent/Child Center when I was pregnant with my daughter and she had just adopted her son.
*My uncle.
*The passing acquaintance who worked in the same building, with whom I shared one memorable evening dancing and laughing at a mutual friend’s birthday party.
How can I take a pen and cross out their names in my address book? How can I bring myself to press the delete button or toss their business cards?
It feels that to delete their names is to erase the fact that they existed. Yes, I’ll hold the memories in my heart but there won’t be a physical presence of them in my world.
I realize that I when I run across their names, it makes me stop and think about them. I call their memories forth and am warmed, tickled, gladdened and sometimes melancholy as I think about them until the demands of life call me back into the here and now.
Has anyone else struggled with this?
A friend of mine whose parents died within a few months of each other, kept their room in the house they shared as a sort of living memorial for more than a decade. She couldn’t bring herself to alter a thing. That seemed a bit much to me at the time, but I’ve come to understand her actions better given the passage of time.
Dawn Rosenberg McKay in “Death in the Workplace: Dealing with the Death of a Co-Worker” writes:
"One generally isn't given sufficient time to mourn the death of a co-worker. When a relative dies, we are given a few days off to mourn. When a close friend dies, you can usually take a personal day to grieve. However, when a colleague dies, an entire office cannot simply stop working."
Ronni Bennett talks about growing older and death in a “straight, no chaser way” that I find helpful. On her blog, “Time Goes By: What it’s really like to get older" she writes:
“Instead of creating a philosophy of living that includes the truth of our cosmic dilemma (or, if religion does so, living it as though it mattered), most people have made it taboo to speak of death in ordinary conversation even though it is the central problem of life. Have you ever tried? Even your friends will say, “oh, don’t be morbid” and change the subject.”
BlogHer.com contributing editor, Mata H., discusses the aphorisms that people say to comfort each other when dealing with grief, on a post “Sometimes the door really closes – thoughts on aphorisms.”
Heather Spohr on her blog “The Spohrs Are Multiplying” writes eloquently about “pressure of grieving” as friends and family observe she and her husband after the death of their baby-daughter, Maddie:
“Grief is a dance we don’t know the steps to but we shuffle along, trying not to mess up.”
In each of our lives, there will be people to grieve - some close, some distant, some family, some friends, some old and some young. We have to figure our own way to work through our grief. As for me, I am not ready to erase anyone’s name yet. I have also charged myself to celebrate, acknowledge, recognize, those people still here with me and to live, truly live until I die.
]]>This is a fabulous and unexpected benefit of reaching middle age. You get to see former students, staff members, family friends, your children's playmates become adults. Reaping the benefits of their growth is wonderful. A kind of generational dance has begun – where we move forward, backward, and sometimes change places.
The boy who was a young bully has grown into a thoughtful young man and has a successful business. The intern who was so quiet you thought she was terminally shy, has discovered her voice – and it is sometimes loud! She is both paying “it” forward and paying you back for your mentorship.
Some of these young ones now call you by your first names because you have become peers. Others of them still insist on calling you Ms. Silva because that’s what they grew up calling you and to do otherwise doesn’t feel right. As regards work relationships, you encourage them to call you by your first name and you treat them with the same respect you would give any other client.
When working with these former interns, kids of friends, and friends of your kids – you try to show respect by listening to them and not going into coaching mode – something it is easy to slip-up and do. Being supervised by people decades younger can be liberating or problematic. Working with familiars (if not exactly friends) requires delicate strategy.
In a post “Delegation Happens: Working with Friends Can be Dangerous,” Liz Strauss advises:
“Define the relationship as you would with a new client or a new employee. When we’re delegating to a friend, communication can complicate itself. Friendship filters can recast everything that’s said. State your expectations. Write out guidelines and share them.”
Working for someone significantly younger can have significant tensions.
“I got the job because I wasn't a novice. I was an award-winning script writer with over 20 years experience. But in the end it was my experience that tripped me up.” So wrote Elana Centor in her post about working for a client/boss 15 years younger - “A Relationship Wrought with Tension: Younger Boss – Older Employee.”
The reality is that there are four generations now in the workforce. In “Working for a Younger Boss” Mary Lou Quinlin writes:
“Americans are getting healthier and living longer. Labor is scarce, the retirement age is rising, and public policy favors keeping older workers active in the workplace. Nevertheless, old ideas about work and age die hard. Young managers fall prey to outdated prejudices, particularly when older workers encourage the prejudice by trying to be something they cannot be. Younger bosses make a place for older workers when the workers guide them in the ways of doing it. In fact, when each party can present him or herself without pretense or apology working out an appropriate role in the workplace can sometimes be as easy as just not taking oneself too seriously.”
Both because I’m older and because of the economy, I have found myself hesitant to be anything but grateful when a paying project comes along. This attitude is a mistake. Kim Clark advises that “Job seekers don’t realize they can ask for more,” and gives specific strategies on how to negotiate.
Adjusting to being mid-life and having others see you in that way (and sometimes only in that way) makes me uncomfortable. As in all things I do, I’m trying to pick-up-my-power-and-use-it. I must admit that I had a bit of internal turmoil and dialogue when I left my last position of authority. I have had to learn how to do some of the technical processes I used to have a secretary and other staff members do. I am remembering how to sell myself educating people who don’t remember me from former jobs or triumphs that I am active, looking for work and not retired (don’t know how that rumor got started). I have to wrestle with defining myself despite how others might define me. This was as true when I was younger as it is now that I am older.
By design, I have treated people well – even when my demands were high and so these younger people have been willing to hire and/or advocate for me. It has been quite a joy to work with them where age has turned out not to be what matters. What has mattered is alignment of purpose, skills, and flexibility.
]]>I recently facilitated a series of meetings for two non-profits. One was a large institution, the other a small arts organization. In both settings all of the participants were women. I observed behavior of women in mid-life (my age-sisters) that was abhorrent although probably not intentional.
]]>I recently facilitated a series of meetings for two non-profits. One was a large institution, the other a small arts organization. In both settings all of the participants were women. I observed behavior of women in mid-life (my age-sisters) that was abhorrent although probably not intentional.
The older women kept interrupting, questioning, clarifying and correcting the younger women. Their demeanor when they made these communication gaffes were pleasant. They clearly intended to be helpful but, in fact, they almost shut off participation by the younger women in the group. Without my facilitation, the younger women would not only have been drowned out, they would have shut down.
As a facilitator, I explain my role and style at the beginning of the meeting. Part of my responsibility is to make sure that everyone gets a chance to talk and that no one person dominates the conversation. In some groups, I’ve employed a talking stick device, but in these meetings, the groups were so small this didn’t seem appropriate. I posted and went over my “basic considerations” at the start of the meetings. They are straight forward:
*Listen intently and as an ally to your colleagues.
*Candor with care
*2 minute rule (limit your comments to two minutes after about two minutes we begin repeating ourselves)
*Decisions by consensus (most people agree with course of action and dissenters have had a genuine opportunity to be heard – which may or may not alter the decision)
I also made sure that each woman spoke at the beginning of the meeting, i.e., name, title, tenure at organization, desired outcome for the meeting.
In the evaluations and in one-on-one conversations after the meetings, the younger women expressed their thanks that I made sure they had an opportunity to voice their ideas and opinions and stated that if I hadn’t been there they didn’t feel they would have been heard. (I’m not tooting my own horn here, what I did is what a facilitator is s’posed to do.)
So, what happened in those meetings? The disregard by the older women of the younger women was rampant. I’ve thought about it deeply and begun observing conversations between older and younger women. I noticed that, when I’m not facilitating but participating, I can adapt the role of wise sage, too, so wise that I interrupt my younger friends and don’t listen to their opinions. I have vowed to change this behavior.
Part of what happened was a result of the power and experience differential between the women. Often a department head or supervisor was accompanied by a younger member of her team. They wanted “the team” to participate but then usurped their participation by interrupting, correcting, and explaining albeit with a smile. It wasn’t so much that the older women were condescending but that they knew a lot and felt that they had to share it all.
They also did a fair bit of diverting especially when the conversation turned to how to market and recruit for the initiatives being discussed. The younger members of the team would make a suggestion about social networks and ways to communicate via Facebook, Twitter, My Space, Meet-Up, etc., and the older women would change that conversation back to how to update print material or the importance of “brand consistency,” etc. New ideas by the younger women were blasted apart or mired in procedural worries and excuses.
As an older woman with years of experience, you can’t not know what you know, however, while I think we know a lot, we don’t know it all. We have to open up space for leadership to develop among younger women and give them respect. One of the best ways to do this is to allow them uninterrupted air time.
Taylor Hatcher, Allison Mitchell and Erin Moran have written a very strong case study on the generational gap within the feminist movement, “A Case Study of the Younger Women’s Task Force.” (pdf)
It was presented at “When Women Gain, So Does the World” during IWPR’s 8th International Women’s Policy Research Conference. It discusses fighting ageism in the feminist movement and has several examples of young feminists’ experiences working in women-run organizations.
These meetings made me think about experiences I had when I was the young person in the room bursting with ideas and energy. It was discouraging to be told (by women and men), “Oh, that won’t work” or “We tried that before.” Yet, now, as a women in mid-life, it is quite easy to thwart ideas by inserting the voice of experience and not listening to younger colleagues. No matter what our age, we all want validation for and acknowledgment of our ideas.
One of the best facilitators I’ve ever experienced, Debra Friedman Vinci uses a graphic facilitation technique in her work with organizations, businesses and individuals. She starts with the question “What would great look like?” This question encourages the ideas and participation of every one when used in a group. (I think I need to go back for a refresher course with her.)
In the aforementioned meetings, I reminded the women, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. Let’s be open to new and/or different ideas.”
In the post “Incorporating Gen Yers into the Business World,” Kaira offers concrete ideas for what younger people are looking for in work. Among the five things she lists, respect is number three.
Listening to others is the ultimate act of respect especially if we allow ourselves to hear what they have to say. On culturosity.com Kate Berardo and Simma Lieberman ask “how long do people stay categorized by their generation?” They offer specific behavioral strategies for building cross-generational relationships.
The behavior of my age-sisters in those two meetings hipped me to the fact that ageism isn’t only something that I am experiencing at this point in my life but something that I can indeed do to others without realizing it. We all deserve a place at the table and the opportunity to contribute to the discussion, design and execution of the conversation.
]]>The friend who achieved the greatest financial success was not the person I thought would; all of us who knew him in high school were caught off guard by his financial acumen. I was surprised by the high school jock who changed to middle-aged schlock. I have been disillusioned by three seemingly great marriages that turned out to be facades at best and an outright lie in another case. I have been saddened by the early deaths of friends and acquaintances who had been good stewards of their health. I was puzzled by the friends who drank and drugged excessively and are still here – some thriving despite dangerous habits. I am amazed by the beauty queens who did not grow older gracefully and lost their beauty quickly.
A lot of us squandered our youthful vitality because we thought it was going to be around longer than it has turned out to be. I was young and then – quite suddenly – I got older. I wasn’t paying attention and it happened. I know that I was sleep-walking through more than a few years while waiting for “it” to happen. Turned out “it” was happening all the while I was waiting.
I learned that luck and serendipity play a larger role in life than I thought they would. Hard work, consistency, and planning ahead are very important attributes but they alone don’t bring the magic into one’s life. Often, breaking the rules, going for broke, and jumping off the cliff blindly nets more than being steadfast and cautious.
I’ve concluded at this juncture in my life, that it is important to embrace a “both/and” approach rather than an “either/or.”
You must strive for balance and accept the off-kilter.
You must be reasoned and absolutely unreasonable.
You will be with/have (___) and must learn to be without/not have ( ___). (Fill in the blanks.)
You have to follow some rules and break others.
There is no one pattern, no specific road map, and little certainty. Your way is your way.
You will win some and you will lose some often simultaneously. Our eyes and feet face forward because that where we’re supposed to head, making only occasional backwards retreats.
In “Forget Balance – Embrace Harmony,” Monica gave me pause because I realize that what she is talking about is truer and certainly more achievable than the pursuit of balance. She encourages us to define what balance means for ourselves and then to embrace harmony with the various components of our lives.
I was struck by Morra Aarons Mele’s take on Justice Souter’s announcing his retirement from the Supreme Court. “Souter wanted his life back: what a powerful statement.” She feels it is important that more people seek “integration between their life work and their personal joys.”
I’ve quoted and used to fully believe in the axiom, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” However, I’ve learned over time that this succinct statement lies far from the truth. Maria Niles asked a powerful question in part 2 of her “Lessons of Failure.” “What would you do if you knew you would fail?” She goes on to talk about “scenario planning.”
It’s funny - I’ve created and used scenarios in my training and facilitation work. I’ve also practice a “fire drill” in the same work, where I imagine “what’s the worse thing that can happen in a situation” and then figured out what I would do if it did happen. While I’ve done this frequently in facilitation work, I’ve rarely applied it in my own life until Maria’s post. I have come to embrace her view that “there is a freedom in looking at the possibility of failure.”
Bar Hartsook asks “would you go back if you could?” in a post “10 Life Lessons I wish I’d Known Then.” If I could go back, I think I’d try to fix some things, do other things better, eliminate some choices and pick others. This would be dangerous, because I believe that to change one thing would be to change everything because of cause and effect. And it’s been a good enough life that I think I’ll “run on and see what the end is gonna be,” to quote a spiritual I heard frequently at the baptist church I grew up in. Actually, I’ll change one word in that hymn – I think I’ll meander to see what the end is gonna be!
]]>If you’re lucky, your children are fully launched to adulthood and you have become friends. Having children who are independent, grown, productive – “fully-launched” – doesn’t come without worries, difficulties, and/or concerns.
]]>If you’re lucky, your children are fully launched to adulthood and you have become friends. Having children who are independent, grown, productive – “fully-launched” – doesn’t come without worries, difficulties, and/or concerns.
Patterns of behavior from childhood, especially response patterns, tend to remain. One of my children solicits advice. The other shares things that require a response but doesn’t want advice – at least not directly and certainly not in the moment.
What do you do when you see your adult children making choices you think are wrong?
Do you warn them about the snake or spider that’s about to bite them? Of course you do. Do they listen, rarely? In their minds, most snakes and spiders do not have venom and they believe they are smart and facile enough to avoid the ones that do. They also believe that a parent just wants to keep them from having big fun or to quote that old Will Smith rap, "parents just don't understand."
How do you get a grown-up to listen to your sage and well-considered, well-meaning advice?
When will your grown-up children stop having their knee-jerk reactions to advice given by you?
I must admit to having thought, on more than one occasion - grow up and stop blocking my words because they come from me.
When I’m being my best mother of grown-ups, I ask if my children want to hear my suggestions, thoughts, and/or advice gleaned from my own experiences or those of close friends and family. Then I keep it to myself when they say “ NO!” or “not really.” Usually, they’ll bring the conversation back up and listen to my advice in their own good time.
It’s hard to be patient and trust that they’ll be okay without my input, even though I prided myself on being independent and not asking for help from my Mom. (But, I must add, I didn’t let her know what I was doing most of the time except in the most surface of ways. My children, especially my daughter, shares her life which means I know what's going on which means I want to help her fix it.)
Experience is not always the best teacher only the most painful – I heard this saying some years ago. I don’t remember where I heard it, but it is true.
"I am your mother, I mean nothing but the best for you," I want to whisper in their ears. If I could give them this truth in tablet form and slip it into the multivitamins they finally take daily per my advice, I would.
I advise because I don’t want either of them to repeat my mistakes (and, you got me, make many of their own). How do I know they'll recover?
In giving advice, especially on work matters, they made me realize that some of my advice is out-of-touch with the way their jobs go now. (The ways of the world, of negotiating jobs – have some new rules/anti-rules that are antithetical to the way that I walk in the world. My daughter has made several career moves that I found incredulous. So far they are working for her. She has much more and earns more, earlier in her life than I did/do. She also has more sob stress than I’ve experienced.) I made not understand the new world of work, but I understand people and people haven't changed that much.
These are the positive methods I’ve found to parent adult children:
* Offer daily prayers for their well-being.
* Don't let them see you as a fount of financial support. (In my case, I couldn't help them much because I didn't make enough money to gift them out of big screw-ups. This has made them more fianncially-independent and resilient than their friends who have parents to lean on.)
* Forward articles with pertinent info from newspapers, magazines, and other people’s blogs.
* Mail articles, books, and pamphlets that will have more impact in hard-copy than they will via email.
* Send I love you cards and notes regularly. (I sent my daughter a hand-written list of 30 things I loved and admired about her for her 30th birthday. My son will be 30 soon and he will get a list then.)
* Listen – intently as an ally. Just say “uh-huh” every now and then to let them know you’re listening, while taking notes for follow-up info to send.
* Don't hover. (No helicopter parenting here.)
* Don’t try to solve their problems.
* Don’t lecture, ever.
* Don’t remind them of their past experiences and choices.
* Encourage.
* Make the offer to offer advice, a response, a suggestion lightly, almost as an aside.
* Don't hold your breath waiting for them to ask for your advice.
* Count to 20 when prompted to let go with a torrent of worries and cautions.
* A thoughtful letter with suggestions sent by postal mail (that you don't ever check to see if they've received) works.
* Did I mention prayer, meditation, crossing fingers?
These methods must be working because my son and daughter are still talking to me – unbidden.
Every now and then, you have to go off and tell it like it T-I-S (or at least the way you see it). If you've managed to keep your cool most of the time, your relationships with your adult children will remain sound and your communication channels will stay open. Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children by Ruth Nemzoff may be helpful in showing you how to "go off".
Dr. Kira Birdit is Research Assistant Professor in the Life Course Development Programs at The University of Michigan. Her research focuses on how people react to interpersonal problems and whether those reactions vary across the lifespan. More recently, she has examined the circumstances under which positive and negative aspects of relationships are associated with physical and psychological well-being. She is the lead author of an interesting study about relationships between parents and adult children discussed on Science Blog under the heading, "Still irritating after all these years..." ()
Nina Smith discussed Parents, Adult children and Financial Independence.
The women at "50-Something Moms Blog: a flash of midlife madness" (http://www.svmomblog.typepad.com/50somethingmoms) have several posts that are of interest to midlife moms. One post in particular I found interesting, "This is what 20 years of parenting, looks like".
From the womb to the tomb, we remain parents defining what this means with our adult children. Friend? Confidante? Buddy? Former roommate? Our relationship is often closer, more honest, and less of a "best foot forward" sort of relationship than we had/have with our own parents. And it is always interesting. (As always, thank you to my son and daughter for making me your mother.)
]]>Technology makes this possible…got to love it. I remember a time, it doesn’t seem so long ago, when this couldn’t have happened. One of the good things about the pre-computer technology days was that, if you went on vacation, it was truly a vacation. You were either at home or at the office, not both. But, I’m no backward gazer lamenting the times that used to be.. The good thing about the wired word is that we can and do work according to our energy, wherever we like and can combine a visit to family while still meeting client needs and work obligations. (In the freelance world that I work in, you got to do the work when it comes.)
A flash from the past popped into my mind for some reason as we were all working. If you remember this machine – you are middle-aged or older or had somebody around you who was.
Before there were personal computers, faxes and copiers, during the time of carbon paper, there came a machine that changed everything for those of us in the clerical pool and secretarial profession.
It was the IBM Selectric typewriter and it was the best, da bomb, the bomb-diggity. (I owned the Selectric II and Selectric III models).
Introduced in 1961, it revolutionized typing because it used a golf ball-shaped typing element rather than type bar or moveable carriage and had a self-correction feature. All you had to do was hit it and back-space, then retype the word. No need for sheets of correction paper or fumy and messy correction fluid. It was sleek and looked different than the typewriters that preceded it. It came in a variety of cutting-edge colors. It was also quite expensive. My first husband bought me one for my birthday where it went to a place of honor in the small basement-office he built-out, where I worked on my personal writing and my college papers (which had to be mailed to the adult degree program at Goddard College where I completed my undergraduate degree). If you want to see a photo of various selectric tupewriters, check out The Dead Media Project.
The photocopier was another revolutionary invention especially for those of us who worked in offices. It was actually invented in 1938 by a guy named Chester F. Carlson, and called xereography, but took 21 years to come to the public. For the longest time I called copying “Xeroxing” after the Xerox Company that brought it to the masses. The photocopier pretty much ended the use of carbon paper documents except for certain legal and government organizations that refused to join this revolution. (They held out for years.)
One of the measures of the passage of time in your life is when you talk about “what you used to do,” the machines you “used to use,” and try to imagine what’s coming next. We all know that something else is coming that we can’t fathom yet or that only exist in the realm of someone’s fertile imagination.
Ungeek It says that “we are all smarter than machines” and writes useful and sometimes funny posts about such things as full-body airport X-ray scanners, “Hacking the Body,”. And a Virgual Convetion.
Adrianna Linares bills her blog, I Heart Tech as “technology tips and advice for a Lawyer’s Life and Business.” I am not nor have I ever been a lawyer, but I find her posts quite useful. Recent entries have included “Word’s Track Changes…so pretty & smart yet so dangerous.” Having had a recent close encounter with the track changes feature, it resonated with me.
BlogHer’s own Technology contributing editor, Virginia DeBolt, writes about tech and green matters in was that are always illuminating. Even when I don’t follow her entreaties to try new devices, I do pass them along to others and put them in my “to do/to pursue/to check out sooner than later file.”
I look in amazement and delight at my two-year-old granddaughter who knows how to find the buttons to turn on the digital camera (and take photos even if they are not always carefully aimed), operate the printer, use the remote to start a movie, etc. She will always be comfortable with technological advances.
When I hear friends of a certain state of mind (sometimes related to age, sometimes not) bemoan what we didn’t have and didn’t use in terms of gadgets and technology, I remind them that we didn’t use these things because we didn’t have them.
I am also reminded that the values and habits we hold dear can be supported by technology rather than obliterated by it. For example, reading a book or a “paper” paper is something I value, only, instead of copying articles and sending them via postal mail (a practice with significant environmental costs), I forward them via email. I use the computer to record my reading and share it with others, building my virtual bookshelf on shelfari.com.
I remember fondly the technological break through of yester-year, the dear IBM Selectric. I am so glad technological innovations didn’t stop there.
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