This is a fabulous and unexpected benefit of reaching middle age. You get to see former students, staff members, family friends, your children's playmates become adults. Reaping the benefits of their growth is wonderful. A kind of generational dance has begun – where we move forward, backward, and sometimes change places.
The boy who was a young bully has grown into a thoughtful young man and has a successful business. The intern who was so quiet you thought she was terminally shy, has discovered her voice – and it is sometimes loud! She is both paying “it” forward and paying you back for your mentorship.
Some of these young ones now call you by your first names because you have become peers. Others of them still insist on calling you Ms. Silva because that’s what they grew up calling you and to do otherwise doesn’t feel right. As regards work relationships, you encourage them to call you by your first name and you treat them with the same respect you would give any other client.
When working with these former interns, kids of friends, and friends of your kids – you try to show respect by listening to them and not going into coaching mode – something it is easy to slip-up and do. Being supervised by people decades younger can be liberating or problematic. Working with familiars (if not exactly friends) requires delicate strategy.
In a post “Delegation Happens: Working with Friends Can be Dangerous,” Liz Strauss advises:
“Define the relationship as you would with a new client or a new employee. When we’re delegating to a friend, communication can complicate itself. Friendship filters can recast everything that’s said. State your expectations. Write out guidelines and share them.”
Working for someone significantly younger can have significant tensions.
“I got the job because I wasn't a novice. I was an award-winning script writer with over 20 years experience. But in the end it was my experience that tripped me up.” So wrote Elana Centor in her post about working for a client/boss 15 years younger - “A Relationship Wrought with Tension: Younger Boss – Older Employee.”
The reality is that there are four generations now in the workforce. In “Working for a Younger Boss” Mary Lou Quinlin writes:
“Americans are getting healthier and living longer. Labor is scarce, the retirement age is rising, and public policy favors keeping older workers active in the workplace. Nevertheless, old ideas about work and age die hard. Young managers fall prey to outdated prejudices, particularly when older workers encourage the prejudice by trying to be something they cannot be. Younger bosses make a place for older workers when the workers guide them in the ways of doing it. In fact, when each party can present him or herself without pretense or apology working out an appropriate role in the workplace can sometimes be as easy as just not taking oneself too seriously.”
Both because I’m older and because of the economy, I have found myself hesitant to be anything but grateful when a paying project comes along. This attitude is a mistake. Kim Clark advises that “Job seekers don’t realize they can ask for more,” and gives specific strategies on how to negotiate.
Adjusting to being mid-life and having others see you in that way (and sometimes only in that way) makes me uncomfortable. As in all things I do, I’m trying to pick-up-my-power-and-use-it. I must admit that I had a bit of internal turmoil and dialogue when I left my last position of authority. I have had to learn how to do some of the technical processes I used to have a secretary and other staff members do. I am remembering how to sell myself educating people who don’t remember me from former jobs or triumphs that I am active, looking for work and not retired (don’t know how that rumor got started). I have to wrestle with defining myself despite how others might define me. This was as true when I was younger as it is now that I am older.
By design, I have treated people well – even when my demands were high and so these younger people have been willing to hire and/or advocate for me. It has been quite a joy to work with them where age has turned out not to be what matters. What has mattered is alignment of purpose, skills, and flexibility.
]]>I recently facilitated a series of meetings for two non-profits. One was a large institution, the other a small arts organization. In both settings all of the participants were women. I observed behavior of women in mid-life (my age-sisters) that was abhorrent although probably not intentional.
]]>I recently facilitated a series of meetings for two non-profits. One was a large institution, the other a small arts organization. In both settings all of the participants were women. I observed behavior of women in mid-life (my age-sisters) that was abhorrent although probably not intentional.
The older women kept interrupting, questioning, clarifying and correcting the younger women. Their demeanor when they made these communication gaffes were pleasant. They clearly intended to be helpful but, in fact, they almost shut off participation by the younger women in the group. Without my facilitation, the younger women would not only have been drowned out, they would have shut down.
As a facilitator, I explain my role and style at the beginning of the meeting. Part of my responsibility is to make sure that everyone gets a chance to talk and that no one person dominates the conversation. In some groups, I’ve employed a talking stick device, but in these meetings, the groups were so small this didn’t seem appropriate. I posted and went over my “basic considerations” at the start of the meetings. They are straight forward:
*Listen intently and as an ally to your colleagues.
*Candor with care
*2 minute rule (limit your comments to two minutes after about two minutes we begin repeating ourselves)
*Decisions by consensus (most people agree with course of action and dissenters have had a genuine opportunity to be heard – which may or may not alter the decision)
I also made sure that each woman spoke at the beginning of the meeting, i.e., name, title, tenure at organization, desired outcome for the meeting.
In the evaluations and in one-on-one conversations after the meetings, the younger women expressed their thanks that I made sure they had an opportunity to voice their ideas and opinions and stated that if I hadn’t been there they didn’t feel they would have been heard. (I’m not tooting my own horn here, what I did is what a facilitator is s’posed to do.)
So, what happened in those meetings? The disregard by the older women of the younger women was rampant. I’ve thought about it deeply and begun observing conversations between older and younger women. I noticed that, when I’m not facilitating but participating, I can adapt the role of wise sage, too, so wise that I interrupt my younger friends and don’t listen to their opinions. I have vowed to change this behavior.
Part of what happened was a result of the power and experience differential between the women. Often a department head or supervisor was accompanied by a younger member of her team. They wanted “the team” to participate but then usurped their participation by interrupting, correcting, and explaining albeit with a smile. It wasn’t so much that the older women were condescending but that they knew a lot and felt that they had to share it all.
They also did a fair bit of diverting especially when the conversation turned to how to market and recruit for the initiatives being discussed. The younger members of the team would make a suggestion about social networks and ways to communicate via Facebook, Twitter, My Space, Meet-Up, etc., and the older women would change that conversation back to how to update print material or the importance of “brand consistency,” etc. New ideas by the younger women were blasted apart or mired in procedural worries and excuses.
As an older woman with years of experience, you can’t not know what you know, however, while I think we know a lot, we don’t know it all. We have to open up space for leadership to develop among younger women and give them respect. One of the best ways to do this is to allow them uninterrupted air time.
Taylor Hatcher, Allison Mitchell and Erin Moran have written a very strong case study on the generational gap within the feminist movement, “A Case Study of the Younger Women’s Task Force.” (pdf)
It was presented at “When Women Gain, So Does the World” during IWPR’s 8th International Women’s Policy Research Conference. It discusses fighting ageism in the feminist movement and has several examples of young feminists’ experiences working in women-run organizations.
These meetings made me think about experiences I had when I was the young person in the room bursting with ideas and energy. It was discouraging to be told (by women and men), “Oh, that won’t work” or “We tried that before.” Yet, now, as a women in mid-life, it is quite easy to thwart ideas by inserting the voice of experience and not listening to younger colleagues. No matter what our age, we all want validation for and acknowledgment of our ideas.
One of the best facilitators I’ve ever experienced, Debra Friedman Vinci uses a graphic facilitation technique in her work with organizations, businesses and individuals. She starts with the question “What would great look like?” This question encourages the ideas and participation of every one when used in a group. (I think I need to go back for a refresher course with her.)
In the aforementioned meetings, I reminded the women, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. Let’s be open to new and/or different ideas.”
In the post “Incorporating Gen Yers into the Business World,” Kaira offers concrete ideas for what younger people are looking for in work. Among the five things she lists, respect is number three.
Listening to others is the ultimate act of respect especially if we allow ourselves to hear what they have to say. On culturosity.com Kate Berardo and Simma Lieberman ask “how long do people stay categorized by their generation?” They offer specific behavioral strategies for building cross-generational relationships.
The behavior of my age-sisters in those two meetings hipped me to the fact that ageism isn’t only something that I am experiencing at this point in my life but something that I can indeed do to others without realizing it. We all deserve a place at the table and the opportunity to contribute to the discussion, design and execution of the conversation.
]]>The friend who achieved the greatest financial success was not the person I thought would; all of us who knew him in high school were caught off guard by his financial acumen. I was surprised by the high school jock who changed to middle-aged schlock. I have been disillusioned by three seemingly great marriages that turned out to be facades at best and an outright lie in another case. I have been saddened by the early deaths of friends and acquaintances who had been good stewards of their health. I was puzzled by the friends who drank and drugged excessively and are still here – some thriving despite dangerous habits. I am amazed by the beauty queens who did not grow older gracefully and lost their beauty quickly.
A lot of us squandered our youthful vitality because we thought it was going to be around longer than it has turned out to be. I was young and then – quite suddenly – I got older. I wasn’t paying attention and it happened. I know that I was sleep-walking through more than a few years while waiting for “it” to happen. Turned out “it” was happening all the while I was waiting.
I learned that luck and serendipity play a larger role in life than I thought they would. Hard work, consistency, and planning ahead are very important attributes but they alone don’t bring the magic into one’s life. Often, breaking the rules, going for broke, and jumping off the cliff blindly nets more than being steadfast and cautious.
I’ve concluded at this juncture in my life, that it is important to embrace a “both/and” approach rather than an “either/or.”
You must strive for balance and accept the off-kilter.
You must be reasoned and absolutely unreasonable.
You will be with/have (___) and must learn to be without/not have ( ___). (Fill in the blanks.)
You have to follow some rules and break others.
There is no one pattern, no specific road map, and little certainty. Your way is your way.
You will win some and you will lose some often simultaneously. Our eyes and feet face forward because that where we’re supposed to head, making only occasional backwards retreats.
In “Forget Balance – Embrace Harmony,” Monica gave me pause because I realize that what she is talking about is truer and certainly more achievable than the pursuit of balance. She encourages us to define what balance means for ourselves and then to embrace harmony with the various components of our lives.
I was struck by Morra Aarons Mele’s take on Justice Souter’s announcing his retirement from the Supreme Court. “Souter wanted his life back: what a powerful statement.” She feels it is important that more people seek “integration between their life work and their personal joys.”
I’ve quoted and used to fully believe in the axiom, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” However, I’ve learned over time that this succinct statement lies far from the truth. Maria Niles asked a powerful question in part 2 of her “Lessons of Failure.” “What would you do if you knew you would fail?” She goes on to talk about “scenario planning.”
It’s funny - I’ve created and used scenarios in my training and facilitation work. I’ve also practice a “fire drill” in the same work, where I imagine “what’s the worse thing that can happen in a situation” and then figured out what I would do if it did happen. While I’ve done this frequently in facilitation work, I’ve rarely applied it in my own life until Maria’s post. I have come to embrace her view that “there is a freedom in looking at the possibility of failure.”
Bar Hartsook asks “would you go back if you could?” in a post “10 Life Lessons I wish I’d Known Then.” If I could go back, I think I’d try to fix some things, do other things better, eliminate some choices and pick others. This would be dangerous, because I believe that to change one thing would be to change everything because of cause and effect. And it’s been a good enough life that I think I’ll “run on and see what the end is gonna be,” to quote a spiritual I heard frequently at the baptist church I grew up in. Actually, I’ll change one word in that hymn – I think I’ll meander to see what the end is gonna be!
]]>If you’re lucky, your children are fully launched to adulthood and you have become friends. Having children who are independent, grown, productive – “fully-launched” – doesn’t come without worries, difficulties, and/or concerns.
]]>If you’re lucky, your children are fully launched to adulthood and you have become friends. Having children who are independent, grown, productive – “fully-launched” – doesn’t come without worries, difficulties, and/or concerns.
Patterns of behavior from childhood, especially response patterns, tend to remain. One of my children solicits advice. The other shares things that require a response but doesn’t want advice – at least not directly and certainly not in the moment.
What do you do when you see your adult children making choices you think are wrong?
Do you warn them about the snake or spider that’s about to bite them? Of course you do. Do they listen, rarely? In their minds, most snakes and spiders do not have venom and they believe they are smart and facile enough to avoid the ones that do. They also believe that a parent just wants to keep them from having big fun or to quote that old Will Smith rap, "parents just don't understand."
How do you get a grown-up to listen to your sage and well-considered, well-meaning advice?
When will your grown-up children stop having their knee-jerk reactions to advice given by you?
I must admit to having thought, on more than one occasion - grow up and stop blocking my words because they come from me.
When I’m being my best mother of grown-ups, I ask if my children want to hear my suggestions, thoughts, and/or advice gleaned from my own experiences or those of close friends and family. Then I keep it to myself when they say “ NO!” or “not really.” Usually, they’ll bring the conversation back up and listen to my advice in their own good time.
It’s hard to be patient and trust that they’ll be okay without my input, even though I prided myself on being independent and not asking for help from my Mom. (But, I must add, I didn’t let her know what I was doing most of the time except in the most surface of ways. My children, especially my daughter, shares her life which means I know what's going on which means I want to help her fix it.)
Experience is not always the best teacher only the most painful – I heard this saying some years ago. I don’t remember where I heard it, but it is true.
"I am your mother, I mean nothing but the best for you," I want to whisper in their ears. If I could give them this truth in tablet form and slip it into the multivitamins they finally take daily per my advice, I would.
I advise because I don’t want either of them to repeat my mistakes (and, you got me, make many of their own). How do I know they'll recover?
In giving advice, especially on work matters, they made me realize that some of my advice is out-of-touch with the way their jobs go now. (The ways of the world, of negotiating jobs – have some new rules/anti-rules that are antithetical to the way that I walk in the world. My daughter has made several career moves that I found incredulous. So far they are working for her. She has much more and earns more, earlier in her life than I did/do. She also has more sob stress than I’ve experienced.) I made not understand the new world of work, but I understand people and people haven't changed that much.
These are the positive methods I’ve found to parent adult children:
* Offer daily prayers for their well-being.
* Don't let them see you as a fount of financial support. (In my case, I couldn't help them much because I didn't make enough money to gift them out of big screw-ups. This has made them more fianncially-independent and resilient than their friends who have parents to lean on.)
* Forward articles with pertinent info from newspapers, magazines, and other people’s blogs.
* Mail articles, books, and pamphlets that will have more impact in hard-copy than they will via email.
* Send I love you cards and notes regularly. (I sent my daughter a hand-written list of 30 things I loved and admired about her for her 30th birthday. My son will be 30 soon and he will get a list then.)
* Listen – intently as an ally. Just say “uh-huh” every now and then to let them know you’re listening, while taking notes for follow-up info to send.
* Don't hover. (No helicopter parenting here.)
* Don’t try to solve their problems.
* Don’t lecture, ever.
* Don’t remind them of their past experiences and choices.
* Encourage.
* Make the offer to offer advice, a response, a suggestion lightly, almost as an aside.
* Don't hold your breath waiting for them to ask for your advice.
* Count to 20 when prompted to let go with a torrent of worries and cautions.
* A thoughtful letter with suggestions sent by postal mail (that you don't ever check to see if they've received) works.
* Did I mention prayer, meditation, crossing fingers?
These methods must be working because my son and daughter are still talking to me – unbidden.
Every now and then, you have to go off and tell it like it T-I-S (or at least the way you see it). If you've managed to keep your cool most of the time, your relationships with your adult children will remain sound and your communication channels will stay open. Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children by Ruth Nemzoff may be helpful in showing you how to "go off".
Dr. Kira Birdit is Research Assistant Professor in the Life Course Development Programs at The University of Michigan. Her research focuses on how people react to interpersonal problems and whether those reactions vary across the lifespan. More recently, she has examined the circumstances under which positive and negative aspects of relationships are associated with physical and psychological well-being. She is the lead author of an interesting study about relationships between parents and adult children discussed on Science Blog under the heading, "Still irritating after all these years..." ()
Nina Smith discussed Parents, Adult children and Financial Independence.
The women at "50-Something Moms Blog: a flash of midlife madness" (http://www.svmomblog.typepad.com/50somethingmoms) have several posts that are of interest to midlife moms. One post in particular I found interesting, "This is what 20 years of parenting, looks like".
From the womb to the tomb, we remain parents defining what this means with our adult children. Friend? Confidante? Buddy? Former roommate? Our relationship is often closer, more honest, and less of a "best foot forward" sort of relationship than we had/have with our own parents. And it is always interesting. (As always, thank you to my son and daughter for making me your mother.)
]]>Technology makes this possible…got to love it. I remember a time, it doesn’t seem so long ago, when this couldn’t have happened. One of the good things about the pre-computer technology days was that, if you went on vacation, it was truly a vacation. You were either at home or at the office, not both. But, I’m no backward gazer lamenting the times that used to be.. The good thing about the wired word is that we can and do work according to our energy, wherever we like and can combine a visit to family while still meeting client needs and work obligations. (In the freelance world that I work in, you got to do the work when it comes.)
A flash from the past popped into my mind for some reason as we were all working. If you remember this machine – you are middle-aged or older or had somebody around you who was.
Before there were personal computers, faxes and copiers, during the time of carbon paper, there came a machine that changed everything for those of us in the clerical pool and secretarial profession.
It was the IBM Selectric typewriter and it was the best, da bomb, the bomb-diggity. (I owned the Selectric II and Selectric III models).
Introduced in 1961, it revolutionized typing because it used a golf ball-shaped typing element rather than type bar or moveable carriage and had a self-correction feature. All you had to do was hit it and back-space, then retype the word. No need for sheets of correction paper or fumy and messy correction fluid. It was sleek and looked different than the typewriters that preceded it. It came in a variety of cutting-edge colors. It was also quite expensive. My first husband bought me one for my birthday where it went to a place of honor in the small basement-office he built-out, where I worked on my personal writing and my college papers (which had to be mailed to the adult degree program at Goddard College where I completed my undergraduate degree). If you want to see a photo of various selectric tupewriters, check out The Dead Media Project.
The photocopier was another revolutionary invention especially for those of us who worked in offices. It was actually invented in 1938 by a guy named Chester F. Carlson, and called xereography, but took 21 years to come to the public. For the longest time I called copying “Xeroxing” after the Xerox Company that brought it to the masses. The photocopier pretty much ended the use of carbon paper documents except for certain legal and government organizations that refused to join this revolution. (They held out for years.)
One of the measures of the passage of time in your life is when you talk about “what you used to do,” the machines you “used to use,” and try to imagine what’s coming next. We all know that something else is coming that we can’t fathom yet or that only exist in the realm of someone’s fertile imagination.
Ungeek It says that “we are all smarter than machines” and writes useful and sometimes funny posts about such things as full-body airport X-ray scanners, “Hacking the Body,”. And a Virgual Convetion.
Adrianna Linares bills her blog, I Heart Tech as “technology tips and advice for a Lawyer’s Life and Business.” I am not nor have I ever been a lawyer, but I find her posts quite useful. Recent entries have included “Word’s Track Changes…so pretty & smart yet so dangerous.” Having had a recent close encounter with the track changes feature, it resonated with me.
BlogHer’s own Technology contributing editor, Virginia DeBolt, writes about tech and green matters in was that are always illuminating. Even when I don’t follow her entreaties to try new devices, I do pass them along to others and put them in my “to do/to pursue/to check out sooner than later file.”
I look in amazement and delight at my two-year-old granddaughter who knows how to find the buttons to turn on the digital camera (and take photos even if they are not always carefully aimed), operate the printer, use the remote to start a movie, etc. She will always be comfortable with technological advances.
When I hear friends of a certain state of mind (sometimes related to age, sometimes not) bemoan what we didn’t have and didn’t use in terms of gadgets and technology, I remind them that we didn’t use these things because we didn’t have them.
I am also reminded that the values and habits we hold dear can be supported by technology rather than obliterated by it. For example, reading a book or a “paper” paper is something I value, only, instead of copying articles and sending them via postal mail (a practice with significant environmental costs), I forward them via email. I use the computer to record my reading and share it with others, building my virtual bookshelf on shelfari.com.
I remember fondly the technological break through of yester-year, the dear IBM Selectric. I am so glad technological innovations didn’t stop there.
]]>Along the way there were legendary cramps (during which I went to work any how choosing to/needing to save my sick days in case my children were ill), fibroids, a uterine artery embolization (that provided relief from heavy bleeding for three months) and advice to have a hysterectomy (which I resisted). I have endured a couple of years when I was on my period more than I was off it. I have passed clots that were enormous (and scary) and battled with anemia.
I resisted the hysterectomy because I realized that nearly all the women in my family and many if not most of my friends and acquaintances – Black women, Latino women, White women and Cape Verdean women had had the surgery and something about that just didn’t seem right to me. Plus, I haven’t had good experiences with anesthesia.
My then boyfriend who became my husband, won my heart partly because of his patience and support when, shortly after we met, I had a year of the never-ending period. The last years of menstruation for me where a knock-down, drag-out fight. Ms. Red did not want to leave this woman’s body-home. She would not be evicted.
Yet, finally, inevitably she did leave. (Woo-hoo!) And, despite not missing her one whit, I did feel a tinge of sadness because her leaving is a major milestone. It means that a major part of my life and certainly my biological reason for being has ceased. Menopause is a rite of passage and a marker that, no matter how fly and youthful and happening I think I am, I’ve gotten older.
Reasons to celebrate the departure of Ms. Red are bountiful:
* I don’t have to avoid wearing white and pale colors on my bottom-half any more.
* I don’t have to store a bagful of menstrual supplies everywhere I travel
* I don’t have to sleep on a pad.
* I no longer fear bleeding through (you name a place, I’ve done it at least once).
* I don’t check chairs before I stand up.
* I don’t have to be on my period whenever there’s an important presentation to make, conference to attend, or on those few occasions when I’ve planned a vacation in a tropical climate and couldn’t hit the water not because I don’t swim but because my period required pads (it thought tampons were play-things).
* I no longer curtail anything because of her!
I ain’t missin’ Ms. Red at all – not like in days gone by where I was panicked that I might be preggers. (“Please-oh-please-oh-please come Ms. Red,”.I’ve prayed more than once!)
In the blogosphere, some women use humor to discuss menopause. Merlot Mom in Funeral for a Vagina: An Open Plea to Oprah and Dr. Oz asks for the two Os to talk about losing vaginal lubrication. Rhi In Pink takes on menopause in a piece titled, Wherein I Solve Menopause. As in other areas of life, staying active is key and laughter helps get through whatever difficulties you may be having.
For my sisters who are still living with Ms. Red, I found a darling menstruation calendar on Viva La Menstruacion. It’s bilingual (Spanish/English). The creator of the calendar sells it and other crafts on etsy.com and writes “I am kind of obsessed with menstruation-related things and Mexican oilcloth.” Thanks to Holly for leading me to this resource that I promptly forwarded to my daughter.
A quick first period memory: When my daughter called me at work to tell me she’d started her period, I brought her flowers, a copy of the wonderful book of photographs of Black women, I Dream a World, sent her brother to their father’s house, and loved her up while watching a video with technical information that I ordered from Kotex. I wish I’d had the recently published, My Little Red Book, to share with her. Edited by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff, it’s an anthology of stories about first period collected from women of all ages from around the world. Royalties from sales of the book are being donated to charities promoting women’s health and education.
I’ve made peace with my period, finally. R.I.P. Ms. Red.
]]>Dear Mrs. Sallie Mae,
]]>Dear Mrs. Sallie Mae,
I’m almost finished paying you…yes I am….started off at 10K and now we’re at the last $1400. I’ll be so glad when I’m done with you. You served your purpose but damn you’ve been around too long! Your friend the IRS coulda helped out by letting me deduct you but no…there are technicalities…Anyhow, when I finish with you, I’m going to smear my brightest red lipstick on my lips and smooch all over the envelope when I seal it. There’s a bottle of champagne somebody gave me in the fridge and even though I don’t really drink but on New Year’s Eve, I’ll be cracking the bubbly open for this achievement.. Hell, I might even throw a party.
Dear Credit Card with the small balance:
You’ll be paid off by June (if all goes according to plan). From then on, I will only use you to take advantage of a great fare to go see my family or to register for a conference. And I will pay that charge off before putting another one on you. Yes I will. Yes... I...will!
Dear One that Got Away from me (also known as Chickee-poo because of the sister-gurl rep who jumped sassy with me one time):
Well, you’ll be around for a while so let’s try and be cool/cordial. I’ll be sending you a bit more each month once I finish with your gurl Sallie Mae. Save your breath, nothing you can do can make me done with you until I’m done.
Rest assured; if I hit the lottery with one of the tickets I’m buying instead of having a donut at Dunkin Donuts, you’ll be the first who will hear from me. Until then, consistently paying more than the minimum is how I’ll get you squared away. (I've read Suze Orman's books and advice column in O.)
I don’t even take you out any more. You’re tucked so far away I would forget you existed, except for those reminders you send each and every month.
Whazz up Mr. I.R.S.?
Looks like I’ll be hanging out with you again.
Oh, well, been there…done that. At least having to pay you means that I’m still alive and kicking. Which means all things are possible including paying off these few bills.
It sure would be nice to exhale.
]]>
Unless I want to.
]]>Unless I want to.
I realized very quickly that in this new lifestyle as a consultant - getting dressed first thing in the morning is important. Walking into my office is walking into my job and I should treat it as such. Besides, being dressed early means that I am prepared for whatever the day brings – an impromptu invitation or opportunity doesn’t phase me because I’m ready to go.
So while I may not dress as fancily as I did when I was going to an external office, I do make sure everything is pressed and matches.
Recently I decided to do what I used to do when I was working in an outside firm by putting on earrings to match my clothes. Have to be coordinated (or "coORdin-ated" as the comic John Witherspoon intones).
I put on my pearl drop earrings and wore them all day on Tuesday, (They aren’t real pearls but they are really nice imitation ones that I purchased from the Museum of Fine Art-Boston a few years back...on sale.)
I swear this is having a positive impact on my work because I’m working with more vigor and creativity.
Another "pick-up-your-power-and-use-it" lesson learned!
]]>
From Craig's List I've learned about:
]]>From Craig's List I've learned about:
Jobs/Gigs
I have found paying jobs and gigs for myself and for friends, former colleagues and acquaintances. I check out: administrative, business management, customer service, arts & design, part-time, education, non-profit, writing, etc., jobs as well as
creative, talent, writing and event gigs. You just never know where something you're interested in or that is perfect for a fried will turn up on CL.
Contests
I have found out about writing contests, exhibit opportunities, auditions, fellowships and grants.
Events
I’ve posted on the CL Calendar and actually had people come. I've learned about events as well.
FURNITURE
I have bought beautiful furniture and household items that I would not otherwise have been able to afford. Great stuff, built solidly. I’ve gotten stuff from the suburbs (Newton, Natick, Chestnut Hill, Ashland, Sudbury) and city neighborhoods.(the Fens).
This is what I’ve scored in the past five years:
I Made a Sale!
I made my first sale on Craig’s List of a dresser with matching mirror. (The woman who bought it was excited by how solid it was because the Ikea dresser she’d purchased hadn’t held up.) Because of this sale, I am bringing home an off-white solid, mid-century dresser to replace the one I sold.)
Thanks to Craig’s List and a purchase from a yard-sale, my study is now completely furnished in antique white pieces that match the cottage-style of the room.
I’m Trying to Sell
A china/display cabinet that I’d purchased on Craig’s List but that's too heavy to hang on the dining room wall. There’s no other space for it, so it's got to go! (I’m in the middle of a second listing for this, if it doesn’t sell, I’ll either try eBay or have a summer yard sale.)
A Moving Guy
I had a dresser that I was giving to a friend that she couldn’t get together to pick up – so I found a mover on Craig’s List - problem solved (very affordably).
Curb-Alert
Craig’s List also has sections for free, wanted and bartered stuff. I got rid of an exercise bike overnight by listing a curb alert on the site.
Patience
Slowly, slowly I am getting the pieces I want to make my home comfy and unique. The great thing about CL is that it’s all in cash. Crisp and clean and no caffeine...or interest charges.
Ones that got Away
I still remember one gorgeous, high-end couch and an antique dresser that got away. (If you don’t have money on hand – things will get away.) Luckily – there always more gorgeouness where that came from.
Enough already!
Can you tell that I Love Craig’s List yet? CL allows me the thrill of shopping on a limited budget and, when I’m lucky, helps me find jobs/gigs that will give me the money to make purchases. It’s also a way to live green, A win-win all around.
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I also played a guessing game of how many dances I would have and how many different partners on any given Saturday.
It’s the one activity I don’t share with my husband. We didn’t meet dancing and, except for occasions like a New Year’s Eve soiree or other invitational parties, we don’t dance. We didn’t meet at the club or at a party so dancing is not one of the things that drew us together. (Perhaps that’s why we have a marriage instead of just a memory.)
Recently I took action on this dancing dearth. Hubby always plays music – he has an internet radio station after all. I started asking him to dance with me up in our attic retreat (or the penthouse as I call it because it reminds me of his 12th floor apartment he had when we met).
I’m aiming to make our private dances a regular event because, in case you haven’t heard, I love dancing. Dancing transports me back to my girlish days. I love slow dancing in his arms. (Believe it or not I blush when we dance). It’s thrilling and such fun.
If hubby only realized how much it meant to me, he’d probably ask me to dance more. (Perhaps he’ll read this and take the hint.)
Meanwhile, I will continue to invite him regularly to dance with me. It turns out that I don’t need to go out. I just need to dance…with him. There’s only one thing better...and dancing always leads to it. (Blush.)
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These are every day things that I haven’t figured out. I recycle what I can and am committed to getting a composter this spring. In the meantime, in between time questions like this nag at my brain. Once a question settles in my brain, it will tumble there like clothes in a dryer (whose alternative would be to hang clothes on a clothesline).
If you’ve found a solution to these or other everyday matters, please share.
Good news: A great example of simple green technology was featured in a wonderful article in today’s Parade magazine (3/1/09), “The Simple Tool that Saves Women’s Lives” by Dr. Ranit Mishoni . The simple tool is the solar cooker, which can be made very inexpensively. “Take two pieces of cardboard, add some tinfoil and sunlight and anything can be cooked. You can even get water to boil.” What an ingenious, practical and important invention! All that is required is sunlight. Each cooker costs about $15 and using them frees up women to do other things as well as prevents some diseases. It made me smile to read about it and I hope it moves you as well.
]]>I like the current Swiffer advertising campaign. The image of mops/dust mops/brooms being rejected and using lyrics like “Baby Come Back” oe "Don't You Want Me Baby" to try to woo back their former users is clever. (Although I don’t use Swifter because it’s disposable and that doesn’t jibe with my environmental concerns).
However, the new Hoover commercial I find really annoying, It uses the original Etta James version of “At Last.” That’s too romantic a song to sell a vacuum cleaner. The opening refrain of the song with the violins is so recognizable that I run to the screen whenever I hear it. Imagine my chagrin when I realized it was being used to advertise vacuum cleaners!
This is the song that will be forever associated in my mind to the image of President Barack Obama and Mrs. Michelle Obama dancing at the first ball on Inaugural night, while Beyoncé crooned to them. As far as I’m concerned the song can now be retired from commercial use except at private parties where those of us who are romantically inclined can dance to it with our very own mates.
In case you don't know the words, here they are.
At Last (Lyrics by Mack Gordon & Harry Warren)
At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last
Over the years, there’s been plenty of controversy about pop lyrics being used to sell commercial products. But songwriters want to and should good paid - I'm cool with that. However, using At Last to sell Hoover vacuum cleaners just ain’t right. It’s damn near blasphemy because both the Etta James and Beyonce versions are divine in my opinion.
What songs have you noticed that have been used in commercials and made you cringe?
(Quick facts: The song was originally written in 1941 for film Sun Valley Serenade. Etta James recorded it in 1961 shortly after signing with Chess Records. It was a big hit for her! A whole lot of other people, including Glenn Miller and his orchestra, Gladys Knight and Cyndi Lauper have recorded versions of it. For more info, check out songfacts.com. Despite Etta James’ tirade about Beyoncé being selected to sing it for the inauguration, there’s a video of a lovely tribute by Beyoncé to Ms. James at the Fashion Rocks awards show.)
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Adults do a similar sort of play, although we assume that because we live together that we are playing together and communicating well. This is often not true, however. Dwelling in the same space is not the same as interacting. In fact, it’s very easy not to interact with or communicate with our domestic partners. Because we are always around each other we presume communication even when we are not actively communicating.
How many of our activities are interactive and how many are parallel play?
(For the remainder of this article, go to examiner.com/x-2487-Boston-Domestic-Issues-Examiner
The Suleman Octuplets – The mother,Nadya Suleman, has mental health issues, heck, I’ll just call it like I see it – she’s crazy and narcissistic. She needs help not media attention. Her fertility doctor made an unethical choice in giving her fertility treatments (especially with but perhaps not limited to the octuplets.) I have no need to see her face or hear her explanations. Now that they are born, our society has to take care of them and it looks like that will mean finding the children a better home(s).
The US Airways Hudson River Landing – What a life-affirming event this. Pilot C.B. Sullenberger used all of his 40 years of flying experience to land the plane safely. It was a heroic act and a miraculous landing. His colleagues and flight crew worked in harmony and without panic. Do we really need to hear the cockpit recording of the event as it unfolded? I vote No. Do we really need to hear from every passenger and see their reunions? No. (In fact, I don’t have a need to hear cockpit recordings or 911 calls – ever.) How many times does a story have to be retold?
Chris Brown & Rihanna – They didn’t make the Grammy Awards Ceremony. Looks like they had a fight and there may have been violence from him to her. This story hasn’t fully come out yet. Do we really need the domestic violence analysis and the suppositions? No. Do they need to be tried in the media? I think not. Is it scary that there are such crisp photos of them at a service station on the way to the ceremony? Yes, it is. (Enemy of the State time anyone?)
The Exclusive Story...NOT! – As far as I can tell, none of the news channels really has an exclusive story any more, although some get a particular story first. Within minutes of news breaking, they all have the same story and they repeat it ad nauseam whether it's on the local news, national news , entertainment news, comedy news, public television or on-line (I enjoy Public TV but, except for Now with David Brancaccio, which goes into stories in depth, each of the Friday evening news programs covers the same stories in mostly the same way. One set of talking heads can be substituted for another, although the McLaughlin group yells the most.)
Second-guessing – President Obama can’t make a statement without someone saying he didn’t go far enough or that he's gone too far; his proposal will work or it won’t work at all. Each pundit and "expert" has another opinion on what should be done. What happened to waiting until the passing of the first 100 days of the presidency being evaluated? President Obama has barely gotten 100 hours.*
Bad News Glee – The media seems downright gleeful to share the bad, the gloomy, the depressing and the wacky. Most, like the ABC nightly news, leave their "happy news" for the last minutes of the broadcast after they’ve beaten us over the head with the negative.
Yes, it’s BAD – as in the economy and the societal fall-out/impact. In fact, it’s terrible. We should be concerned but can’t stay afraid. Rather than being completely honest, the news media keeps throwing salvos that aren't completely honest. They suggest how one might keep a job by working harder and being indispensable when in reality that's not what will help anyone keep their job. Working harder does not make one bit of difference in whether you can keep a job you’ve had for 25 years or two months. The reality is that all of us have to prepare life plans, right-now plans for how we will deal when we do find ourselves laid-off, down-sized, forced-out, right-sized, etc.
Time to Wean - I've had enough. I’m determined to wean myself from a full diet of "the news" in all its forms. I’m going to have to limit my intake because the news has grown insane. Besides, with heart disease being the #1 killer of women and stress being a huge factor in the disease, I’m sure that eliminating most of the news will only help me feel and be better.
(*I borrowed this observation from my husband. Thank you.)
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