midlifemuse's blog

Starting a Healthy Midlife Tradition

2009-03-28T16:18:00-05:00

Midlife is full of nostalgia. Sharing memories of friendship,
laughter and school. Remembering the all-night study sessions, the
all-night parties and all the mornings after. Homecoming weekend and
final exams. Your first date, a marriage, your first child -- year
after year of life's greatest moments. Conversations at midlife are
filled with "remember when" and "back-in-the-day."

Memories are great but midlife is also the time to look forward.
Today, really is the first day of the rest of your life. A day of new
beginnings and new traditions. And at midlife, one of the best
traditions to have is your annual physical exam. That's right. I said
physical exam. Head-to-toe, doctor, dentist, eye doctor. Once a year,
every year, you owe it to yourself.

We've all had experiences with health related tests and treatments
that aren't so pleasant to remember and certainly don't make acceptable
dinner conversation. My personal favorite is the mammogram experience -
my left breast pressed tightly between the two clear plates of glass
while the technician says in her most serious tone, "Don't move." Where
the hell would I go?

But I endure this process every year because in midlife I have to
accept the changes that come with maturity. It's important now to check
out all the aches and pains you were more likely to ignore in your
younger days. When you get tuned into the state of your health, you
start to be in control of your destiny. And at this point of our lives,
we've earned the right to be in control.

Now if the mere thought of an annual physical exam seems
overwhelming, there are 6 steps to make the process more manageable and
keep this tradition forefront in your mind - midlife moments
notwithstanding.

Get a doctor. Select a family practitioner or an internist
you like and can talk to. You probably already have a gynecologist but
an internist focuses on the overall condition of your body not just
your reproductive system. And make sure you have a gynecologist you
feel comfortable with as you go through menopause.
Don't forget your eyes and teeth. Select a dentist and eye doctor if you don't already have relationships with these specialists.
Ask questions. Make a list of questions you want to ask the doctor.
Not only is this about you getting answers but it provides your doc
with clues as to medical conditions you might have.
Provide information. Take a plastic bag of all of your medications
and any nutritional supplements you take like vitamins or herbs. And
make a list of your medical history -- health care providers you've seen, why you saw them and their contact info. Be ready to provide a family health history.
Pick your personal health check month. At midlife it's easier to
remember that October, for instance, is the time when you schedule all
of your physical exams.
Keep a medical records file at home. File all of your medical records and receipts in one central place.

If you're still not convinced that this is a tradition that you can
embrace, let me offer a little motivation. At the tender young midlife
age of 57, I've already lost friends in the prime of midlife to
illnesses I used to think only affected the elderly. No one is promised
a tomorrow but you increase your chances of being here with an annual
physical exam.

So once a year, every year give yourself a priceless gift better
than gold and diamonds; better than cash, a trip around the world or
anything from a store. And please remind a friend or relative to get
an annual medical check-up.

So enough with the discussion here. It's time to take action. Make
an appointment for your physical exam, slip into that oh so drafty, oh
so not sexy blue wallpaper print wraparound gown and congratulate
yourself if you can actually pee in the little cup they give you. And
while you wait for the doctor who's always a little behind schedule
when it's your turn - remember that your health is worth the wait.

Karen Batchelor is a certified coach & midlife strategist blogging over at Midlife's a Trip. Stop by and visit.

On Becoming A Memory Keeper

2009-03-06T22:57:59-06:00

It was back in the 1960's when I first became aware of memory loss. I was visiting my cousins in Cleveland. We were watching out the window as our great-aunt Clara drove up. Aunt Clara was noticeably forgetful, even to us kids. We called it "senile" back then. I recall how we would snicker about her little memory lapses--behind her back, of course.

And there was my great-grandmother who used to ask the same question every 10 minutes as if she hadn't asked it 20 times before. Even back then it was clear to my child's mind that there was something incredibly sad about an adult being completely unaware of forgetting a name, a place -- a face.

It was many years before I had to confront the "senile" issue again. I was in my 30's when my mother sustained a closed-head injury and began to forget things. It got so bad that she would have dozens of lists written in a steno pad to remind herself about how to navigate through just one day. It didn't take long for me to recognize that something was seriously wrong. I bought a book on Alzheimer's in 1987, the first of many books I would read on the various forms of dementia.

For most of my life, I've thought of Alzheimer's as a condition of old age. By the time I hit midlife, I'd dealt with my mom's dementia and considered myself somewhat knowledgeable about memory loss. That is until what I thought I knew got turned completely upside down when my best friend was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's.

"Susan'', as I'll call her here, is 57, the same age I am. We met when we were 6 years old and I still remember that day. My dad was talking with her dad over our backyard fence with his white convertible parked a few feet away. I didn't see anyone in the car until suddenly a little girl popped up from the back seat with a big wide grin and long-ponytail. I smiled back and that was the start of a friendship that's lasted over 50 years.

We went to grade school together and always stayed close even though we went to different high schools and colleges. But physical distance never bothered us. Over the decades Susan and I talked almost every week, laughed, counseled each other and shared the ups and downs of our lives. Trust me when I say it, we've been friends through the best and worst of times.

I remember when my father suffered a stroke and Susan flew in to visit him. We drove out together to the nursing home where Dad was for several months. As we sat with him in the dining room, two old women caught our attention. They were leaving the dining room together in their wheelchairs like a little caravan. Susan looked at me, smiled and said:

That's us when we get old. Let's promise we'll grow old together.

I never imagined we'd have a problem keeping that promise because of Alzheimer's. According to the Mayo Clinic:

Of all the people with Alzheimer's disease, only 5 to 10 percent develop symptoms before age 65. So if 4 million Americans have Alzheimer's, at least 200,000 people have the early-onset form of the disease. Early-onset Alzheimer's has been known to develop between ages 30 and 40, but that's very uncommon. It is more common to see someone in his or her 50s who has the disease.

Susan was diagnosed in her early 50's. She's been in a clinical trial and on the medications now regularly prescribed to slow the degenerative process of Alzheimer's. It hasn't helped. It seems that the early-onset form of the disease is more toxic -- at least it is for Susan. But the impact of early onset Alzheimer's varies from person to person as I found out when I stumbled upon the Dealing with Alzheimer's blog of Kris Bakowski. She was diagnosed several years ago at age 46 and is still blogging -- and on Facebook.

Susan, on the other hand, can't work or drive any longer. More and more there are people she no longer recognizes. Although she was a talented communications professional for years, now it's difficult for her to complete a sentence.

But Susan hasn't forgotten we're friends. When I call she recognizes my voice. Even though she can't always articulate her thoughts, I fill in the gaps in our conversation with the memories I know bring a smile to her face like how we :

Played together with Barbie dolls -- the first generation. Susan still has all of hers packed away.
And screamed in the car on the way to school as the Beatles sang on the radio. She liked Paul. George was my favorite.
Went to basement parties back in the 60's.
Saw the Temptations live on stage at state fair -- more screaming.
Spent great summers in Detroit.
Cried the day JFK died.
Were in one another's wedding.
Loved each other's children.
Got drunk together while writing my dad's obituary.
Hung out on the beach watching the fireworks on the 4th of July.
And were always grateful to be friends.

You see, I'm becoming the keeper of the lifetime of memories Susan and I share. And, Alzheimer's be damned -- I won't forget.

Midlifemuse

Stop by for a visit over at my home blog, Midlife's A Trip.

The Midlife Insomniac

2009-01-31T12:47:16-06:00

One of the longstanding problems on my midlife trip has been how to
get a good night's sleep. When I was a late 40-something moving from
perimenopause into the big "M", night sweats decimated my sleep
pattern. I used to wake up as drenched as if I had just run a
marathon. By the time I finished drying off, changing clothes and
linens it was almost time to get up for a new day.

Then as a young 50-something, menopause hit me with plain old
insomnia. Awake at 2am -- I was the person you could call at that hour
because I would be up night after night. The worst part was the
infomercials. I'd turn on the television and get sucked in by some
ridiculous commercial targeted at insomniacs like me. I'm embarrassed
to tell you what I ordered during those early morning hours. But my
family still teases me about the electronic kitty litter that activated
on its own even when the cat was nowhere in sight.

Now in my late 50-something years, there are two main things that
impact my sleep patterns -- acid reflux and my laptop. Some days, I
think turning off the laptop is a bigger issue. So I'm always looking
for ways to deal with insomnia.

In A Woman's Guide to Sleep Disorders, Dr. Meir Kryger gives 13 tips for getting to sleep - try a couple for starters and see how they work:

Use your bedroom only for sleep and sex. Great advice! But
if you like me and sleeping alone - mostly - the sex part of this tip
might be a vision that keeps you awake. All kidding aside, the point
here is no sitting in bed with your laptop thinking that somehow you'll
fall asleep while blogging. It hasn't happened yet for me.
If you can't go to sleep do something relaxing. This goes
hand and hand with the next tip about calming your brain before sleep.
I wish there was a shut off switch but in lieu of that, I've gotten a
couple of CDs over the years with relaxing, almost meditative music.
They help.
Calm your brain before bed - that means no blogging and no
TV. Hard for me because I like watching Frasier reruns which don't
even start until midnight.
Don't eat heavy stuff before bedtime -- for me late night snacking triggers acid reflux attacks. Nighttime seems the worst for those.
Don't watch the clock. I typically don't do this but when it
happens it's always the night before a big day. The worst thing is to
look at the clock and see that only an hour has passed since you last
looked. I turn the clock so it faces the other direction.
Create a wind-down ritual. Warm bath, meditation, soft music
-- these all work for me. Also listening to the purring of Coco Puff,
queen of the castle and my regular sleeping companion.
Reduce stress. I'm a long way from mastering this tip but some deep breathing is my current fallback strategy.
Don't take long naps during the day. This isn't a problem
for me because I've never been a napper. But taking short naps of less
than 1/2 hour is supposed to be OK.
Exercise often but not right before bed. Apparently sex is an exception to this rule.
Set a regular bedtime. This is one of the hardest things for
me to do because if I'm on a roll, which usually means doing something
online, it's hard to shut my laptop down at 10:30p and hit the sack.
Anyone else have this problem?
Warm up with a hot drink or bath. Chris Canavan, entrepreneur and blogger over at the Better Than Chocolate Boutique suggests a nice warm but sexy pair of pajamas
as an essential part of your get-to-sleep toolkit even if you sleep
alone. OK, Chris I suppose it's time to ditch my warm but worn and
faded flannel PJs from Costco.
Eliminate caffeine, alcohol or cigarettes. I don't do
caffeine anymore--it aggravated my hot flashes and night sweats, which
then kept me awake. I never smoked but I do like a little glass of
wine some evenings. My recent bout with acid reflux has convinced me
to limit alcohol consumption -- especially close to bedtime.
Check in with your doctor if you're taking sleep meds to
make sure they're not part of the problem. I tried Ambien once. Fact
is that I didn't like it so I stopped taking it. I like knowing that
if I need to wake up, I can. It's a control freak thing. So I'm more
of a fan of natural remedies to sleep problems. But if you're taking
sleep meds, let your doc know if they're not working or if you're
having one or more of the many side effects.

When all else fails, just have a good laugh by stopping by the Accidental Blogger
for a great graphic on how a woman's mind works. When you see this
picture, you'll have a sense of the real reason why we can't sleep.

Midlife muse and certified coach, Karen Batchelor blogs at Midlife's a Trip and as contributing editor on midlife issues at BlogHer. You can also visit at her new site at Midlife Career Path.

The Heartless Grip of Heartburn

2009-01-16T10:50:17-06:00

When Denise asked me to write about some midlife topics in the Good Health-athon, I actually wasn't feeling so healthy at the time. In fact, I was trying to figure out how to feel better in light of my persistent heartburn.

My doctor had already listened to my litany of symptoms and suggested a month's regime of an over-the-counter remedy. As much as I like my doc, he didn't talk about nutrition as part of the remedy and quite frankly - neither did I.

So when I whined over the phone with Denise about my tentative diagnosis of acid reflux, she pointed me in the direction of Elaine Magee, nutritionist and prolific author of 25 books on nutrition you can live with, including the one with my name on it -- Tell Me What To Eat If I Have Acid Reflux. In this book, Elaine writes in a very user-friendly, Q&A format on everything you want to know about acid reflux and then some. Her "10 Food Step to Freedom" journal helps you track the nutrition and lifestyle changes that work.

I picked up a copy of Elaine's book before we talked and learned that more than 15 million people in the US struggle with acid reflux. Her book - and our conversation helped me realize how important nutrition is as a compliment to medical treatment. For most of my younger years I ate pretty healthy and was pretty healthy so I never focused on nutrition as a health mandate - until now.

Since my conversation with Elaine things have gotten a little more complicated. I spent New Year's night in the ER in excruciating "worse than labor" pain - not a typical acid reflux symptom. That episode was followed by an endoscopy and ultrasound of my abdomen in the past week.

The good news is no ulcers, gallstones or other serious conditions. The bad news is that I still don't have a clear picture of what's going on and I confess I was a little teary and frustrated when I left the doctor's office yesterday.

As I sat in my car in the parking lot, though, I refocused on my talk with Elaine and the positive role nutrition can play in helping me cope with whatever's rumbling around in my middle-age mid-section. I committed to learn more this year about how I should be eating at this point in life instead of assuming I can eat the same way I did when I was younger. Here's my action plan:

Read Elaine's latest book, Food Synergy to learn more about the role nutrition plays in our overall health. It's waiting for me at the bookstore along with a copy for a good friend battling breast cancer and my sister who struggles with fibromyalgia,
Work with nutrition coach Wendy Battles of Don't Worry, Get Healthy to develop a healthy meal plan I can follow easily on a daily basis, and
Include the 100 healthiest foods in the world in my diet as much as possible without aggravating my acid reflux or whatever it is.

Beets are one of those super foods. Having grown up in the generation where mothers served pickled beets, I swore off this vegetable long ago before I knew how rich it was in nutrients and antioxidants. Yesterday, with my new mindset on nutrition, I ate beets for the first time in 40 years in a very tasty beet apple mélange suggested by friend Steve in Paris. Here's the recipe:

Chop and sauté an onion
Cook and sauté 3-4 cups of chopped beets
Slice and cook 3 granny smith apples
Mix all the ingredients together and puree in a blender.
Add cinnamon to taste and enjoy.

Of course, eating beets and overall better nutrition may not exactly be a cure for what's ailing me but its sure helping me take the heartache out of my heartburn.

What works for you?

P.S. Thanks Denise for introducing me to Elaine and her wealth of knowledge about acid reflux!

Karen aka Midlife Muse

My blog home is Midlife's a Trip - watch for a new look coming soon! Also visit me at my brand new site, Midlife Career Path where I help people in midlife and mid-career reinvent themselves in uncertain times.

Beyond Black Friday - Shopping for Seniors

2008-11-29T11:21:46-06:00

I didn't go out shopping on Black Friday this year but I remember the many times in the past when I did -- running around looking for the latest greatest, must-have, got-to-get-it-now gift for someone on my holiday shopping list. But not once do I recall a Black Friday that included racing around searching frantically for a gift for one of the elders in my family. In fact, they never said "hey I have to have this, that or the other". They really didn't ask for anything at all except to hear from me or, better yet, a nice visit. According to the Eldercare Team, this is the best gift of all:

What's a good gift for an elderly person who doesn't need more "stuff" cluttering up the house? December is the biggest gift-giving season, but all year long we're faced with birthdays, anniversaries and other occasions when we have to find great gift ideas for seniors. The best gift for an elderly person is your time and attention: time to talk, to listen, to do things together.

But if you're like me and want to add a gift that seniors can touch and feel, think about approaching shopping from a different perspective to come up with something that's appealing and useful - before the last minute. Online shopping has helped me refine that process so I can find the gift that will bring a smile to my 89-year old mother's face when she opens it on Christmas Day - despite her severe dementia.

Caring.com has put together a well-thought out list with innovative gift ideas including a couple of my favorites - Life Bio, a journaling project to help a loved one in the early stages of Alzheimer's preserve precious family memories and the Jitterbug, a cell phone easy for the non-techie senior (or anyone else for that matter) to understand and use. To be honest, I'm not quite sure about the Pleo robotic dinosaur on this list as an alternative to a traditional pet, but you may just know the techie senior who'll love this little fellow. Whether you find what you'll looking for or not, this list is a good starting point for inspiration.

As I wrote this article, I was reminded how quickly I'm moving down the path to senior hood. So while the elders in my life tend to be in their 80s, the gift items and resources listed here are often appropriate for a variety of ages from the fifties on up. While you're online there are some interesting websites focused on this broad niche. For instance, Gifts for Seniors and the Senior Emporium are like the supermarkets of great gift ideas. And if you're in the market for a luxury item, check out Elderluxe. First Street Online is a good shopping venue for the elderly AND for those in midlife.

For more specialized gifts, stop by Guardian Alert 911 and Life Alert for home alert systems for safety and to help preserve personal independence. A big button memory phone or a day date clock are the new "must-haves". Also Landel, My Celery and Presto offer low-tech email options for the person who wants to stay in touch but not deal with a computer.

One of my recent favorite online sites is The Alzheimer's Store where I've found a myriad of gifts and everyday necessities for the memory-challenged like my mother. Unique offerings here include the wooden Handyman's Box with its familiar feel and the life-like lavender-scented baby doll we bought earlier this year for Mom. It still brings tears to my eyes as I remember the joy on her face as she took this "baby" into her arms for the first time.

If you want to go the time-honored traditional route of giving sleepwear, I've found with my mother that L.L.Bean offers the best selection because they have petite sizes for women. Check out the easy-care, easy-wear Zip Front Women's Fleece Robe, the Men's Fleece Robe and the Men's Flannel PJs.

And for all of us who are feeling the budget crunch as we shop this holiday season, here's a list of 10 gifts for $50 and under for seniors:

Pick up a large print keyboard for those who are online but have some vision challenges.
Make a cozy polar fleece blanket with these easy photo directions - just scroll down the page. My sister and I have made lots of these inexpensive gifts which go over really well in our cold Michigan weather. This and any other crafts made with love are treasured and budget-conscious gifts.
The Life Bio Memory Journal mentioned is a project where you and your loved one can carve out precious time together as you preserve family memories.
For the senior who loves to garden, make time outside a little more comfortable with the Garden Hopper.
Big button phones get double mention in this article - they're great!
The unisex Polar Fleece Lap Wrap/Shawl from Janska is a great gift for anyone. I've been a Janska fan for years because everything is made out of polar fleece, very practical for people with limited mobility and just plain comfy for the rest of us.
L.L.Bean's Women's Pima Cotton Flannel PJs - these fit women of all sizes very well, are comfortable and warm.
Cozy Men's Fleece Scuffs for around the house.
Activity Lap Pillow - this is what I'm getting my mom for Christmas this year. She needs something to fiddle with instead of her once busy hands lying idle.
Sentimental Sing-a-long DVDs are a great for a memory boost and a little fun.

Karen Batchelor is a professional career coach helping people in midlfe to reinvent themselves in uncertain times. She blogs at Midlife's a Trip and as contributing editor on midlife issues at BlogHer.

Let the Good Times Roll with a Virtual Potluck!

2008-11-24T22:16:32-06:00

One of the things about midlife is that holidays are starting to feel different. There's not that level of excitement I remember so clearly from years gone by. By this time, loved ones and friends are coming and going and longtime traditions are changing or disappearing altogether. Like in my life:

Older relatives have passed away like my Aunt Hazel who just died a few weeks ago leaving me to face the holidays without her wit, wisdom and rum-soaked fruitcake. Yes, I come from a family who loves fruitcake - the more gooey and fruity, the better. We're weird like that.
Relatives like my mom who has severe dementia are limited in how they can participate. It's hard to say if Mom will even understand the holidays this year.
My son has not only left the nest but now has one of his own where he's building his own family traditions - as it should be.
Friends are sticking closer to home so we aren't all connecting during the holidays like we used to. I just learned that my best friend won't be in Michigan for Christmas. It'll be the first time in 50 years that we haven't celebrated together.
And if it weren't for my four-year old niece - the Peanut, I probably wouldn't put up a Christmas tree.

What's the matter with me? Some days I think I have MAD - midlife affective disorder. What's the cure? Well after my private "pity party" today, I realized that as a result of blogging, my circle of friends isn't shrinking, it's growing. I went online and saw women sharing great memories and traditions from past holiday seasons. I actually started feeling better as I read posts like the one by Janet from the Chinaberry Community who writes:

I started my family's Thanksgiving Journal in 1991, when we were selling blank journals and fabric markers. My then 7-year-old daughter decorated the cover with little turkeys and she entitled it, "Our Thanksgiving Album." Over the years I chronicled who shared this special day with us, what recipes we feasted on, what we were particularly thankful for that year, and any special anecdotes, like the year someone accidentally used the kitty litter scoop as a serving spoon in the turkey dressing.

Samantha commenting at 2 Modern Design Talk shared that her:

Favorite Thanksgiving tradition is getting together with my mother's 11 brothers and sisters. They each make their own recipes so we rarely eat the "traditional" Thanksgiving meal. They all have such different personalities that an outsider could be fascinated for days by watching them interact. (ie: crazy uncle Smi won't let go of the olive jar and uncle Stevie shouts constantly and tells the same stories 12 times and we hear them EVERY year.) Their interaction used to be overwhelming, considering I come from a small intermediate family...now I love the busyness of it all!

And it's so great to see all the recipe sharing going on around the Internet as we head into Thanksgiving. I had to stop by the Squidoo lens where Joan shared the recipe for the Congo Squares her family made back in 1954:

I can almost smell the congos in the oven. We loved to gather round and "lick the bowl" while they baked! Mama always made congos for church picnics, long trips in the car to visit relatives, and of course at Thanksgiving and Christmastime.

Note: "Lick the bowl" involved using a long wooden spoon to scrape the bowl of unused dough and eating it -- yes, uncooked!

Just yesterday my sister and I were talking about our holiday food traditions. Usually turkey day would be hustle and bustle as my sister creates a masterpiece holiday dinner with turkey, cornbread dressing (yes, like Grandma used to make), greens, macaroni and cheese and the best sweet potato pie I've ever had. The rest of us provide the sides and big appetites because my sister has become the star cook in our family. We have become the sous chefs to her genius because we know a good thing when we see it.

This year though we'll all have a more relaxing Thanksgiving because we're having a pot-luck dinner with friends where we each bring something. My sister will make a batch of sweet potato pies and I will mix up my signature "kick-ass" cranberry sauce -- the best around! Yes there are a few things I cook really well. Ask my family -- they clamor for the yummy sweet-tart cranberry sauce I've made from scratch for almost 30 years.

It's a far cry from the jellied cranberry sauce my mother used to pop out of a can for Thanksgiving dinners of my childhood. I still remember the round tube of cranberry sauce that sat glistening in a dish on our holiday table still showing the imprint from the ridges inside the can. Of course that didn't really make a difference to us. We've always been a family who loved turkey and dressing with our cranberry sauce. It's our tradition.

So in the spirit of the season, I'm putting my cranberry sauce recipe out here in the blogosphere Do you have a recipe to share back? Can we start a virtual holiday potluck here on BlogHer with recipes and traditions? If you're game, please comment and bring a recipe, family tradition or just a memory.

And if you want a high tech way to post recipes and other holiday projects, join me on Springpad - the great new organizing site I learned about at BlogHer DC. Katin Miller from Springpad created a quick video that helped me file my Kick-Ass Cranberry sauce recipe online so I can "spring it" without typing the whole recipe here! Here's the link and enjoy:SpringIt!

Happy Thanksgiving from Karen aka Midlifemuse

Blogging at Midlife's a Trip and here at BlogHer as Contributing Editor on midlife issues.

The One Vote Barack Obama Won't Get

2008-11-03T10:56:21-06:00

I'm here to report that there's one vote Barack Obama won't get in this
historic presidential election -- my 89 year old mother's. But don't get
excited John McCain. This isn't a vote for you. You see, Mom's not voting
for Senator Obama simply because she can no longer understand what the voting
process is all about. The dementia she has suffered from for years has robbed
her of the ability to make an informed decision in this election. Mom would be
devastated if she knew.

But she doesn't. I had a conversation with her this past weekend to see if
there was any hope of her being able to exercise her voting rights. When I
asked her if she knew who was running for president -- she didn't. When I
explained about the candidates, as objectively as possible, and asked Mom if she
had an opinion on who she'd vote for -- she didn't. And when I asked her if she
wanted me to get more information for her -- she didn't. At that point,
I watched her retreat into the cave of her dementia; that place where she
doesn't have to face the fact that she can no longer make important decisions
like the one that will be made tomorrow.

If she were able, I know in my heart that my mother would be honored to have
the opportunity to vote for Senator Obama. There are many other seniors like my
mother who are unable to vote for him tomorrow, though, for reasons beyond their
control. Let's not forget them. We stand on their shoulders -- their efforts
through the years form the foundation for the choices we have this Election
Day.

So in honor of the choice Mom would make if she could, I'm dedicating my
service as a legal monitor at the polls tomorrow to her. If there's an senior
in your life whose mental and physical disabilities keep them from voting --

What can you do to honor them on Election Day?

Midlifemuse

Visit me at Midlife's A Trip and also here at BlogHer where I'm Contributing Editor on midlife issues.

Lipstick Was My Favorite Costume and Other Halloween Memories

2008-10-31T13:31:29-05:00

I know it sounds weird but lipstick was my favorite Halloween costume. I didn't care what I dressed up as so long as lipstick was involved. See, I grew up during the 50's when the standard, at least what I saw on my friends' mothers and women in the movies was really, really, really RED lipstick. And in those days, little girls didn't get to wear make-up under any circumstances, except of course -- on Halloween.

Here are some of the costumes I had in my young hey-day:

Annie Oakley with a silver-plated plastic six-shooter with a pearl handle -- and lipstick
A bumble bee with sequins -- and lipstick
A princess -- with lipstick
A witch -- with lipstick
A flying monkey (wearing my costume from my role in the Wizard of Oz play at school) -- with lipstick
A bunny rabbit (recycled from my flying monkey costume) -- with lipstick
A gypsy (I hate now to think of the many years I dressed up as a negative ethnic stereotype) -- with lipstick
Morticia from The Addams Family -- with lipstick and
A lot of others I can't even remember -- with lipstick.

The goal was always to try to sneak past my mother's vigilant eye at the end of the Halloween activities and go to bed with my lipstick still on. That way, I figured, I could make an entrance the next day at school with an intriguing new aura of sophistication emanating from my faded, smeared but still very red lipstick from the night before. It never happened.

As soon as we hit the house after trick-or-treating, Mom whipped out the big jar of cold cream. If memory serves, the brand name of the goop she used was called "Albolene" and when Mom was done smearing it all over my face, there was no trace of lipstick to be found -- always one of the low points of my childhood.

The residual of those memories of past Halloween lingers on in my long-time practice of wearing lipstick almost always. These days my lipstick may not be red but I never leave home without it.

Today there will be a lot of us Baby Boomers sitting around remembering when Halloween was just about fun. I don't know why it was so different in the 50's and 60's but our parents didn't worry about sending us out to trick-or-treat. The only rule at our house was no eating unwrapped candy. I think, though, it was more to do with Mom's concerns about germs than the possibility of someone poisoning us or sticking in a razor blade. For those of us with memories of the good old days, Halloween was much safer and far simpler.

Muley (yes, he's a guy) from Muley's World remembers, as do I, that:

Back in those innocent days of the 1960s, Halloween had not yet gained the violent, ugly and overall negative connotations it has today. Parents accompanied toddlers trick-or-treating, but they thought nothing of sending their costumed elementary school children out into the neighborhood alone or with a group of friends, armed with nothing but an empty bag and a flashlight (which rarely if ever got used).

And Norma from Random Stitches recalls:

When I was growing up, there were no store bought costumes. Sure some kids had fancy costumes that someone made but for the most part, you just put together what was around the house. Gypsy ladies were common as well as Cowboys and Cowgirls. I remember being a Gypsy more than once with an old skirt of my mom's, a scarf on my head and hoop earrings. I got to wear makeup and that made it all fine!

You got that right Norma!! And from Traci over at Living the Good Life:

My favorite Halloween memories include when we would go camping with the entire extended family. All of the campers would decorate their campers, tents and cabins. There was a hot dog dinner, trick or treating and a haunted trail. The best decorated would win a free weekend of camping. Of course, we NEVER won that one.....but we had fun.

This Halloween I'm making some new memories by dressing up as "auntie" to Peanut, my four-year old niece. I heard through the grapevine that Peanut will be appearing at my house later today as a "diva pumpkin fairy" with wings, a faux fur jacket, faux fur boots with silver trim and many layers underneath to keep her warm here on a chilly Michigan Halloween.

I gather Peanut had final decision-making authority over her costume. But when she comes over to trick-or-treat, she and I will add that special final touch to both of our costumes -- lipstick. After all, it's a family tradition!

What's your favorite Halloween memory?

Karen aka Midlife Muse

Always writing over at Midlife's A Trip and as Contributing Editor on Midlife Issues at Blogher. Happy Halloween!

Podcast: Talking to Mary Ellen Geist about Alzheimer's

2008-10-20T12:38:57-05:00

Have you ever forgotten why you came into a room, forgotten someone's name or what day of the week it is? Or have you noticed that a loved one is becoming forgetful? It could just be the normal aging process or the signs of something more serious.

Author Mary Ellen Geist saw the warning signs of Alzheimer's developing in her beloved father "Woody". As the disease progressed and the burden on her mother grew to provide the day-to-day care, Mary Ellen had a wake-up call. It was time for her to come home -- which she did leaving behind her personal life and a successful career as a radio news anchor for CBS.

But as you'll hear in this podcast interview, Mary Ellen's midlife transformation has brought her new meaning and precious time with Woody as she embraced her role as a caregiver. She shares wisdom and lessons learned from this poignant experience in her new book Measure of the Heart: A Father's Alzheimer's, A Daughter's Return.

Tune in, pull up a chair and join in as Mary Ellen and I talk about a true midlife crisis -- caring for a parent with Alzheimer's disease for which there is still no cure. Alzheimer's is already having an impact on the parent's of those of us in midlife. But it won't stop there. The Baby Boomer generation is right in the path of this wicked, degenerative disease. You can learn more from the Alzheimer's Association.

The days spent with loved ones who have Alzheimer's and other dementia are not easy. Yet I came away from this interview with new ways to reach out to the Alzheimer's victims I know and love.

Download the podcast, read the transcript or listen using this player:

Karen Batchelor is the Blogher Contributing Editor on Midlife Issues. Her other blog is Midlife's A Trip where she shares her journey to the better side of life. Karen dedicates this podcast to her 89 year old mother who has dementia and her best friend of 50 years who at 57 is struggling with early-onset Alzheimer's.

Manifesting Peanut - A Midlife Adoption Tale

2008-10-17T22:29:08-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a woman who wanted to be a mother more than anything. But she never found the right man and had no luck with the scientific alternatives. Finally, she decided to adopt despite the overwhelming odds of being single, a minority, having limited resources and family who tried to talk her out of taking this step at 48 years old. We call this woman "Meno Mom" and she is my younger sister.

Meno Mom is one of a growing number of women in midlife who have 17 minutes left on their biological clock but aren't willing to miss out on the experience of motherhood. Getting pregnant versus adoption is one of the initial hurdles. Liz over at Inventing My Life , who's doing a special series on her midlife adoption journey at Midlifebloggers realized:

There are no guarantees in life about anything. Especially given my age, there were all sorts of risks involved with trying to get pregnant. I started to think it was a miracle that any healthy and intelligent babies are born at all! Not to mention the fact that my “pretty good genes” would only be half of the genetic material. I began to realize that ending up with a child who didn’t get a perfect score on the SATs was not the worst thing that could happen. And given a choice between an uncertain outcome from a bunch of icky medical procedures and a slightly less uncertain outcome from a long and expensive but not physically icky process, I chose adoption.

Like Meno Mom and Liz, would-be midlife mommies are looking at motherhood from a different perspective than in their younger years when adoption probably wouldn't have been a consideration. Now they want the quickest and shortest path to their goal.

I watched Meno Mom move full steam ahead in the adoption process with a to-do list that seemed (at least to me) to stretch for miles. And as she did adoption prep, Meno Mom also handled a significant share of the care-giving for our mother who has dementia. We had a caregiver during the day, but evening duty was done by my sister who lived the closest. I don't think either one of us realized that Meno Mom was in dress rehearsal for her new role as a member of the sandwich generation.

Sandra who writes on older parent adoption issues at Adoption Blogs describes the "sandwichers":

Older adoptive parents; you know the ones -- little kids on one side, aging parents on the other, you in the middle trying to see to it that both are cared for properly, have all the attention they need, their medical issues attended to, their futures as bright and healthy as possible.

Although she did handle the ups and down of the adoption process well, Meno Mom did hit a roadblock. Because she was adopting domestically where the birth mother picks the new parent, the agency asked Meno Mom to create a scrapbook with photos and stories about her and our family.

Meno Mom froze. Even though she's a gifted artist, this "pick-me, pick-me" step made her feel like she was in some kind of beauty contest she couldn't win. Her confidence sank and her dream started to unravel. Liz over at Inventing My Life talks about this uncomfortable phase of the adoption process as well as anyone:

Here are the many ways that I have been thinking that other people are better than me, especially in terms of being ready to adopt:

Other people have more money than I do

Other people have husbands

Other people live in better houses than I do

Other people live in better neighborhoods than I do

Other people have more friends than I do

Other people have better jobs than I do

Other people are more politically active than I am

Other people have cooler stuff on their blogs than I do

Up until now, I was pretty much a casual bystander as Meno Mom jumped the adoption hurdles. But when she became deflated and unsure as she compared herself to "other people", I stepped in with some advice that came to me out of the clear blue:

You have to put it out into the Universe that your baby is waiting for you. The only thing standing in the way is the scrapbook. So change your thoughts, manifest your daughter and let's work together to get this book done!

Now I didn't know anything then about the law of attraction or "manifesting" your dreams. But intuitively I did know that my niece was out there waiting. So stepping out on faith, my sister and I visited scrapbook stores over the next three weeks and sorted through old family photos. We even bought gifts for the baby -- Meno Mom bought little shoes and I bought a pink onesie with some saying about cute aunties.

Finally Meno Mom finished the scrapbook. It was an amazing creation by an amazing woman. The next morning, she put the book in the mail. What happened next is still hard for me to believe.

Later than afternoon her cell phone rang. When she saw the adoption agency number, she knew they were calling about the scrapbook. She stepped out of a meeting to whisper that the book was on the way and ask if she could call them back. It was then that the voice on the other end of the line said:

No -- we have your daughter!

Only that morning a young woman the agency had never met walked in, gave her 4-week old daughter up for adoption and selected Meno Mom as the adoptive parent. Of course, all this without the help of the scrapbook because it was in the mail! Five days later, Meno Mom and my niece, the "Peanut", were a family.

I suppose there are any number of explanations for what happened that day. But the one that resonates with me is that it was the law of attraction in action that allowed a midlife woman to turn her dreams of motherhood into reality.

What do you think?

Jane Six-Pack and the Sword of Damocles

2008-10-03T20:43:24-05:00

There's a lot of speculation lately about what Americans talk about at the kitchen table. Well my kitchen table has become the hub for our discussions about the state of the economy and the impact on our family. You won't find any political rhetoric and homey colloquialisms in our dialogs. No, we talk about real-life issues like the risk of my 52-year old cousin losing her job due to corporate downsizing. To protect her identity, I'll call her "Jane Six-Pack".

Jane's been employed at the same company for nearly 11 years. She's an incredibly hard worker, self-described workaholic who now balances job demands with the joys of parenting a 5-year old. But lately Jane's been struggling to stay upbeat at home and at work because of the now constant and imminent threat that her entire department may be eliminated. It's like working under the sword of Damocles.

Just today the Department of Labor reported that 159,000 workers felt the sword drop in September as they lost their jobs. There aren't any hard and fast numbers on the impact on midlife workers but Jane and her fellow employees are noticing that many of their Baby Boomer colleagues are being affected by job cuts. According to veteran employment attorney, Lucetta Franco with the firm of Sue Ellen Eisenberg & Associates, P.C., this is a disturbing trend. Franco, who has represented employees - and often women -- for over 30 years, says:

The bad economy is having a significant impact on women and anyone else in a protected class -- like race, age and gender. When people are increasingly fearful about losing their jobs, they're inclined to let companies interfere with their civil rights. In the past, I've encouraged employees who think the ax is about to fall to make their concerns known. This has allowed them to take action to protect their rights and maybe continue in their jobs with less stress. These days, however, employers are not as responsive. So employees are increasingly afraid to ‘rock the boat' and exercise their civil rights.

Ms. Franco offers suggestions for employees to consider during these uncertain times:

Be smarter, more attentive and more thoughtful. Focus in on more than just your everyday job. Know what your employee handbook says about your job duties and your rights within the company structure. If you've been letting anything slip-coming in late, taking extra days off, now's the time to start really adhering to the rules even if they weren't enforced before.
Don't be content to sit on your laurels. There is no longer any comfort zone where you're safe because of past successes. Continue to identify ways that you can add value.
Be the master of your own fate. Have a plan, create goals and act in an educated, purposeful way. Position yourself to see what's coming instead of sticking your head in the sand.
Don't be afraid of change. Consider transferring to growing areas of the company. If you're offered a buy-out, seek legal advice on whether the offer actually might be in your best interests.

But all isn't gloom and doom for people like Jane Six-Pack. Some companies actually value their midlife employees. Check out AARP's just released 2008 list of Best Employers for Workers Over 50.

And according to Laura at The Dragon Slayer's Guide to Life, career transition in midlife brings the opportunity for rediscovery:

Many mid-lifers are saying quite openly that they may simply have to invent their next careers as they simply have too much diverse experience and too broad a talent base to be appropriately contained in a single career designation. They've grown out of concepts of defined careers that may have made sense when they were in their 20s and are finding that they are the front runners in the wave that will be seeking to bring ALL of themselves to their work in the effort to integrate their sense of purpose and passion with their career.

If you're interested in getting in sync with your life purpose, then here's an exercise you may enjoy. This is the first step in the Authentic Vocation Model of Career Design taught at Marcia Bench's Career Coach Institute where I'm taking supplemental training to better help women like my cousin Jane negate the impact of the sword of Damocles:

Describe what you most love to do - not just at work.
What is it about your job that you really enjoy?
What do you do well?
List your 10 greatest successes.
What do you feel most passionate about?
List the 10 most important lessons you learned.
What are some recurring problems you've had?
Do you daydream about doing something else? What?
What will people say about you at your funeral?
And as Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

"What would you do if you could not fail?"

Midlife Muse

Professional coach and contributing editor on midlife issues at BlogHer.

Visit me at Midlife's a Trip.

It's American Menopause Month -- Celebrate or Weep?

2008-09-19T09:35:23-05:00

Hot flash! News flash! September is American Menopause Month!

Depending on your perspective this may or may not be something to celebrate. But the fact that there's a month in the year dedicated to the change of life acknowledges the many women struggling through a transition that hits us all differently.

The symptoms leading up to the end of our reproductive years vary from woman to woman so it's hard to get a gauge on what your personal experience might be. Symptoms include:

Irregular periods
Hot flashes
Sleeplessness
Dry skin
Rapid heart beat
Loss of libido
Mood swings
Vaginal dryness
Urinary incontinence
Depression
Osteoporosis
Hair loss and, a personal favorite
Brain fog

Any of these sound familiar? Far too many of them were for me. Perimenopause rolled in when I was about 45. I remember visiting my doctor because I was having night sweats. I told him I was in menopause.

Knowing me as he does (I'm a doctor's daughter), he took my astute "diagnosis" with a slight roll of the eyes and a smile. Somewhat smug, he assured me that it was far too early for me to be in menopause. To pacify me, though, he took some tests. My estrogen was on the floor!

I take no pride in being right on this point. Menopause for me was hell. And it really felt that way. I was hot all the time. Day, night, it made no difference. I was just hot--not as in "boy is she hot" but as in sweaty, damp and uncomfortable. If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about.

Here's the anatomy of a hot flash. Just picture me as a match and somebody struck me. I remember so many times when I was literally on fire from the waist up. Never understood it but that's the mystique of menopause. Strange symptoms, weird feelings--anxiety as the adrenaline surged through me during each hot flash just as if I had run a marathon.

And a discussion of menopause wouldn't be complete without a few words about night sweats. A night sweat is basically a hot flash that hits while you're sleeping. Here's the drill. Wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. Nothing's wrong but your adrenaline tells you there is.

As you move up from deep sleep into consciousness, you realize you're cold. Wake up a little more and you realize the reason you're cold is that you are lying between 2 drenching wet sheets in sopping wet nightclothes. I--who sweats very little unless extreme exercise is involved--was amazed at the amount of sweat I could produce during a single night sweat. Buckets, I'm telling you. Just buckets.

I'm proud to say that I'm now post-menopausal. Yes, I've done the purge of the cabinet under the bathroom sink -- glass of wine in hand to celebrate being able to throw away boxes of Kotex and Tampons forever. And now it's over.

Well not exactly. I thought menopause had a beginning and an end. And for some women that's the case. For me the hot flashes still come although less frequently.

Over the more than 10 years since that first flash, I've tried everything from estrogen (natural and synthetic) to some exotic Peruvian herb. And I'm here to tell you I've only found one sure way to stop my hot flashes:

Go into the kitchen.
Open the freezer door.
Stick my head in (this works so much better when the freezer is on the top or side!)
Let the cold air drift out--especially over my neck.
Stand there until the flash passes--which is actually pretty quick.
Close the freezer door and hope that the next flash is somewhere near a kitchen.

Don't take my word for it though. What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for all. So between hot flashes, check out these websites that offer a myriad of resources to address your specific menopause symptoms or at least bring you the comfort of knowing you're in good company on the journey:

One last thing -- if you've got some secret remedy for menopause symptoms, please share because millions of us are looking for new ways to survive the heat of midlife.

Signed,

One Hot Mama -- still.

Alzheimer's and Caregiving -- A Daughter's Story of Love

2008-09-05T22:34:46-05:00

This week I had the great opportunity to talk with author Mary Ellen Geist. Several years ago Mary Ellen was described by the New York Times as the:

Archetypal career woman, a radio news anchor with a six-figure salary and a suitcase always packed for the next adventure, whether a third-world coup, a weekend of wine tasting or a job in a bigger market.

But as she saw the growing toll that her father's decline from Alzheimer's was taking on both of her parents, Mary Ellen climbed down from a great spot on the ladder of success and headed back home to Michigan to become a family caregiver. Over the last several years as she cared for her father, Woody, she also found time to write about living with the sorrow of losing a loved one bit by bit to Alzheimer's. Mary Ellen's struggle to salvage precious time with her dad is now the subject of her wonderful new book Measure of the Heart: A Father's Alzheimer's, A Daughter's Return.

I bought the book last week and confess that it's already dog-eared and tear-stained because Mary Ellen's story hit me up close and personal. My 89-year old mother has had dementia for 20 years. The neurologists can't seem to agree on an exact diagnosis but Mom's memory and cognitive abilities have severely declined to the point where she now needs round-the-clock care in a secured assisted living setting. That means a locked facility where she can't wander away.

What's so sad is that I often forget what Mom was like before she went into her "cave" which is how I rationalize her disease to myself. When she first started to experience symptoms, it's like she went into a cave where no one else could enter. In the early stages, she ventured outside the cave, interacted with people and the environment until some call we couldn't hear beckoned her back inside.

As the dementia progresses, people like Mom and Mary Ellen's dad find themselves further and further inside the cave. It takes increasingly more effort to approach the opening let alone step outside into the world where others wait - with hope -- to see a glimpse of the way they once were. And then one day, they don't even see the opening and the cave becomes - well, everything and nothing. That's where my mother is now.

So what are the chances that Alzheimer's will hit close to your family. Brenda Avadian of the Caregiver's Voice, a resource site and a blog for caregivers gives the grim statistics:

During the past decade, we've witnessed a 25% increase in Alzheimer's. Today, reports estimate that 5,000,000 Americans live with this disease, up from 4,000,000 a decade earlier. Projecting these numbers forward, we're looking at 6,250,000 Americans being diagnosed with Alzheimer's by 2017 ... unless there's a cure.

As a member of the Baby Boom generation, I cannot imagine a more active group of people being stricken with this disease. Yet, this figure will reach epidemic proportions. Each of us will be affected--as a caregiver, as a family member, or even, as one who receives the diagnosis.

As the need for caregivers increases, family members like Mary Ellen will continue to make huge compromises in their personal lives and finances to provide the care needed for loved ones with Alzheimer's and other diseases of aging. According to AARP, this economic impact of family caregiving reached $350 billion in 2006.

Mary Ellen will share insights on the life and lessons of a family caregiver in the upcoming podcast interview she's agreed to do for BlogHer readers with yours truly. And she wants to hear from you.

So bring your questions on Alzheimer's and caregiving in reply to this post. I'll include them as part of my interview with Mary Ellen later this month. As I see it, it's a way for us all to benefit from our collective experience and wisdom on this difficult part of midlife.

Living History -- The Dream 45 Years Later

2008-08-28T11:40:32-05:00

In 1963 I was 12 years old. I didn't know then that I was living history.

That year I saw the Beatles in concert on their first world tour and fell in love with George. I was called to our principal's office at school one day in November to carry a note back to my teacher letting her know that she had to deliver the devastating news to our class that President John F. Kennedy had been assassinated.

And that summer of '63, my dad took us to a civil rights march in Detroit where we lived. As we marched down Woodward Avenue, my dad pointed out many leaders in the civil rights movement. One of those leaders was a young minister -- the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

The march ended downtown and I remember everyone gathering to hear Dr. King speak. We kids were hungry and ready to go for Chinese food but Dad told us that Dr. King's words were important for us to hear. I remember how Dr. King spoke of having a dream -- a dream where we all would be free -- at last.

Shortly after that march in Detroit, Dr. King stood in front of thousands of people at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. and delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech and shared those same words I heard him speak in Detroit. Millions more heard Dr. King on television. Today is the 45th anniversary of that speech and it still has the power to move men and women to tears, especially as Barack Obama takes the podium this evening to accept his party's nomination as candidate for president of the United State of America.

Maybe, like me, this day -- both in 1963 and 2008 -- has overwhelming significance for you. Or maybe you're reading this and thinking that you don't plan to vote for Senator Obama. Maybe you don't really know much about Dr. King. Or maybe you aren't old enough to have lived through the fight for civil rights. And maybe you haven't experienced racial discrimination.

Well that's OK. Because if you have 12 minutes to watch this video of Dr. King's speech, you'll get a sense of why, as Americans, we're all living history today.

7 Ways to Survive Dating Over 50

2008-08-22T21:30:10-05:00

I've been thinking about writing on this topic for a while. I'm over 50 and single and have a lot of friends in the same boat. And what I've found is that dating over 50 is just insane! What I thought I knew --and mastered fairly well in my younger years -- doesn't seem to translate into the dating scene of today. So what do you do when you're single and want to meet someone interesting and emotionally available? Or is that really an option for women in midlife?

From Allison over at Women Bloom, dating at 50+ is like a "roller coaster":

I've been known to think finding the right guy at this time in life, online or otherwise, was akin to pigs flying, or a snowball coolly sipping an iced latte in hell. Just listen to me rant about my recent adventures on Match.com and you'll see why I might be excused for thinking that.

But, hope springs eternal. I have a dear guy friend who recently reconnected with a college love interest. It was not to be in their younger days, but they have blasted aside all logistical complications and emotional fears in their late 40s. She has moved from her longtime home to live with him clear across the country. Because they are soul mates. I LOVE that! Maybe it COULD happen to ME!

Could it? Like Allison, I know women who found their soul mates in midlife. Over at Gen Plus, guest author Dee Frazier agrees that single women over 50 should get back in the dating game but maybe with a different mindset. According to Dee, dating can actually be fun if we view it as "just a date -- not the rest of your life."

Are you wading around in the dating pool? Are you clueless of what the new rules are and bogged down with fear? Hesitating because the dating game has changed dramatically since you were in your 20s?

Sooner or later if you truly desire a relationship you must jump in. Make a big splash. When you decide that you are ready to play the dating game, look at it as an adventure.

The grown-up dating game has never been more interesting and challenging. There are more players than ever before. Why? Because of higher divorce rates, longer life spans, and a greater tendency to never marry. This contributes to more single Americans than at any other time in our country's history.

The U.S. Census Bureau tells us that of the 97 million Americans who are 45 or older, almost 40 percent 36.2 million are available singles. There is no shame in being single.

How do we get back in the dating game though? I've tried the online experience several times since I divorced. On Match.com I heard from men who were interested. But I had to weed through the profiles myself, which actually seemed like work after a while. Two of the men I agree to meet were 10 years older than their profile age and another had an online picture of himself at least 40 pounds lighter than when I met him.

Next I tried a site where they do pre-screening -- PerfectMatch.com, the site featured in the movie "Must Love Dogs". Well I didn't get the dog or a date. After hours of completing my profile and their detailed matching assessment, PerfectMatch matched me with one prospect in the 3 months I was a member.

My last experience was with Chemistry.com -- the latest, supposedly most inclusive online dating site. Again I created my profile, put up a decent photo and filled out the personality assessment. It was funny how many of the prospects Chemistry sent were the polar opposite of who I said I was looking for. I was connected though with 2 very nice men who shared that they were getting complimentary Chemistry memberships and had been for months. I inquired about this obvious disparity -- women pay, men don't, but got no clear answer from Chemistry so I didn't renew.

I haven't given up on dating over 50 but here are 7 survival tips I've learned along the way:

1. Get informed.

This isn't the dating scene our younger selves were used to. By far the best midlife dating primer I've run across is an "everything you wanted to know about dating over 50" article by Alisa Miller over at Nerds Do It Better -- and yes they mean that "it"! There are books, CDs, coaches, courses and any number of other resources available elsewhere. But save yourself some money and use Alisa's article to get the lay of the land as you venture onto the over 50 dating scene.

She includes links to all the dating sites for seniors -- which in dating land means anyone over 40 or 50, which really galls me but I digress. And Alisa gives online and general dating sites, tips for meeting online or not and a full 10 pages of dating resources that are well-organized with all the links. I have to admit that when I read her article I was amazed that only 3 people had commented -- and one was a man!

2. Have a dating "kitchen cabinet".

Francis and Michael, longtime friends and a gay couple, are my dating kitchen cabinet. Maybe it's just me but I like to have a second opinion if I'm really interested in someone. My friends have the ability to see aspects of someone's personality that I may not. Francis and Michael are always honest and candid about what they see and if they don't like my date, they'll say so. It's not that their opinions are gospel, but they do offer me the opportunity to view a date from a different perspective.

3. Put your best foot forward.

I hate to say it but there's serious competition out there based on the numbers from the Census Bureau. For online dating spend time writing a profile that shows you in the best light. Get a friend's opinion on the final draft. And if you don't have a great photo, ask that same friend to snap a nice candid shot for you to post.

Have a simple and flattering first date outfit already in the closet -- like a uniform. When you have that first date, you don't have to agonize over what to where, how it fits, how you'll look. You'll already know and be able to head to meet Mr. Maybe-Right with a little less stress. And the best thing to show on the first date is the real you. At 50+, who has time for being anything but authentic.

4. Don't settle.

I'm not looking for Prince Charming anymore -- I went to his funeral years ago. As I've gotten older, my ideal date is kind, smart, emotionally available (did I say that already?), thoughtful and not addicted to any substance other than chocolate or coffee. Have you made a list of the qualities you'd like to find in the people you date at this point in life? It helps you get real clear -- again -- on what works and what's non-negotiable for you in a relationship. If someone doesn't measure up, don't settle for less than what you want.

5. Lighten Up

When I was young, I took the whole dating thing so seriously. As I think back on it, the end goal was to get married and have a family -- at least that's what I learned back in the day. Now I don't really worry about getting married again. So I'm less wedded -- not to make a pun -- to the end result and more to the journey in a relationship.

I've also accepted that sometimes I meet someone who just not that into me. If you haven't read the book by that name, it's enlightening-- and liberating. From Kathryn Lord, the Romance Coach, here are a few signs that a man just isn't that into you:

He tells you he's just not that into you.
He tells you he isn't ready to settle down into a relationship.
Doesn't give you a hug or a kiss goodbye.
He doesn't call.

Sound familiar?

6. Protect yourself in all ways possible.

First, don't share personal information, like your contact info until you've really gotten a comfort level with someone. For instance, keep your email private which the top online dating sites always do for you. If you decide to talk with someone on the phone, call them and *67 before you dial their number so your phone number isn't revealed.

When you're ready to meet someone in person -- coffee in a very public place is a good first date -- advise a friend where you're going and that you will call after you leave. My sister and I have this arrangement and it works well. Once I progress to a longer date, like dinner, my sister knows to call at a certain time. As I answer the call in front of my date, I apologize and jokingly explain how my sister and I look out for one another because my date -- and yours -- should know that someone cares about us.

The other way to protect yourself is at the point you decide to take a new relationship into intimacy. The bottom line is that over 50, we need our own stash of condoms and -- no you can't depend on the other person to have one. Nancy over at Boomerful, who found herself single in midlife, reports that:

After more than a year of being single, what I have learned is this: Condoms are a fact of life. Don't consider any other way, unless you are really monogamous and have both been tested. If you are in bed with a guy and he doesn't have the guts to use a condom ... or he tries to convince you that one isn't needed ... RUN. He is not worth a conversation, much less your body fluids and possibly your life.

If you're timid about buying a box of condoms from your friendly neighborhood pharmacist -- it is a weird feeling -- then you can buy them online.

7. Enjoy yourself.

This one sounds easy but I'm not quite there. It's a goal I haven't quite reached yet in this new world of dating over 50. I'm hopeful, though.

How about you?

Midlife Muse

Contributing Editor on Midlife Issues

My Midlife's A Trip! How's yours?