I had coffee with an ex-boyfriend last weekend. My move featured technically two ex-boyfriends, though at the time I was in some pretty spinny denial about the one. Sometimes I think my life is kinda like "My Boys," but all the male friends are exes.
That's an exaggeration, of course. No way I'm as cool as PJ, and I barely remember the last time I hosted a poker game. Sigh.
]]>I had coffee with an ex-boyfriend last weekend. My move featured technically two ex-boyfriends, though at the time I was in some pretty spinny denial about the one. Sometimes I think my life is kinda like "My Boys," but all the male friends are exes.
That's an exaggeration, of course. No way I'm as cool as PJ, and I barely remember the last time I hosted a poker game. Sigh.
Point is, I like to think I'm a practical person about these things. A relationship doesn't work, there's pain involved to be sure, but the heart wants what the heart wants. And it doesn't want what it doesn't want. Usually, there's not anyone to blame, and, assuming any bad behavior was of the garden nobody's-perfect variety, in the end you're left with someone you really cared about for a multitude of reasons. In my experience, friendships with exes can be wonderful, and certainly I am thankful for those friendships in my life.
Did I mention how I like to think I'm a practical person? Strong, swimming against the flow, making my own way despite societal conventions. It works so well for me. So often.
But I don't know where I am right now. I don't know who this person is I've become. It's absurd to me.
I tried to do what I always do. Like, OK, I'm not what you want, that's a fact, so practically speaking we should just shift into friendship. A little pain for me that I work through and...
Wow, I am in Total Fail.
A close friend of mine talked about friendship with exes like it's some sort of milk-for-free thing. Like, why should you give an ex the parts of you he does want, when there's parts of you (namely, the relationship parts) that he doesn't. I didn't like that. I didn't ring right to me. I don't think I could withhold my friendship like that.
But, I've had to admit that I simply can't do it. Be his friend. Right now, anyway. Theories aside - and man, do I love a good theory - I just don't have it in me. It's not what this heart wants.
I guess he does just want certain pieces. Friendship.
I wanted the whole package.
Conventional wisdom says that this phase will pass, and I will feel better. For once, I guess my bet is on convention. Because I really need it to be true.
There's pieces of him that maybe I don't have to lose. If only I can get there.
~
Linky Goodness:
From Erin Donnelly on LemonDrop - 6 Signs of Bad Ex Behavior -- and How to Avoid Them. Featuring "six common exing patterns to 86 from your life (along with that dude!)."
From Affair of the Heart on BlogHer - Ex-Files: Should you cut sling load and drive on? I don't agree with everything in this post, but I love this: "If the break up was a clean one, there is still a period of confusion. You know, that period of time where the two of you transition from romantic to platonic. The lines can get soo blurry when the break-up is fresh. Insecurities, sexual tension, questionable decisions loom over your head." Wise.
From Kirsetin on Blissfully Domestic - "Friending" Your Ex on Facebook. OMG, I have a ton of exes on my Facebook! lol
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>I thought that the day might come when I might declare myself "Done!" Storm away from love and romance and dating full of fury and disgust. In March 2005, I declared, "I am so sick of being single I could scream." It's one of those posts that still attracts visitors and comments from people going through where I was then. Today, I almost feel like, "I am so sick of relationships I could scream." Except that a statement like that would require a level a passion I simply don't have.
For a while, I found myself feeling very strange and trying to figure out how to express what I'm feeling. When I think about dating again, or meeting someone new, I'm not excited, nervous, pissed off, over it, angry, or interested. Honestly, I've never felt like this before. What was it? It felt familiar, but out of context.
The other day I realized that I feel like I've lost my appetite.
Like someone new could be the most beautiful banana split ever, with whipped cream and cherries and nuts, and when confronted with this person I would remember how much I love banana splits, maybe even want to still love banana splits, but be left with absolutely no stomach for one. I pulled my OKCupid profile. I couldn't bear it sitting there saying "in a relationship," but the thought of actually using it seems completely absurd.
I've completely lost my appetite for love, romance, and dating. It feels like the absolute last thing I could possibly desire to do with my time is go on a date with someone new.
I find that what I *do* want to do with my time right now is to do things. Clean and organize my new apartment. Write. Stitch. Read. Dust off the exercise equipment. Listen to music. Study films. Cook. Take a bike ride. Spend time by myself.
Not think about the whys or the whens or the whats. Just do things.
I find that I want to limit my time around other people, particularly large groups with lots of people I don't know. I've been trying to keep to intimate gatherings of established friends when possible. Not overload my schedule. Take it easy.
Try not to think too much about this strange new feeling of having no appetite for love. As a lifelong romantic it feels deeply disconcerting and uncomfortable.
I guess that this won't last forever. I guess it's a phase, like any other.
We'll see, I guess.
~
Linky Goodness:
No more tranformations - from BlueBirdEscape, who says, "I am tired of transforming myself all the time."
How to Get Over a Bad Breakup - from terryberry, lots of advice I'm not currently taking
Back In The Dumpster...Welcome To My Humble Home - the first post from Changing the Status Quo who got dumped and started a blog in 2007.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>I remember in my 20s when I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. If only I could figure it out, I reasoned, then everything would be so much better. I ached to be rid of the quest to figure out what I wanted.
]]>I remember in my 20s when I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. If only I could figure it out, I reasoned, then everything would be so much better. I ached to be rid of the quest to figure out what I wanted.
Then I discovered that I could go to film school and so decided it would be possible to become a director. Which put me on a path all right. It was a relief to know what I wanted. But it was just the beginning of a journey that is full of many more challenges beyond just figuring out what you want. Turns out that was the easy part.
Still, though, I thought that when I figure out what really mattered to me in a relationship, surely *that* would be a huge relief that made all the difference. No more indecision and uncertainty! Easier decisions! How could this make things anything but better, romantically speaking?
I read a book once where the author posited that when you break up with someone, if you look back you’ll find that you experienced the reason for the break-up in the first month or two of the relationship. I believe that that’s true.
And, I know what’s important to me and what I want in a partner.
How else can you put it besides cost/benefit analysis? Sometimes I don’t hit everything on my must haves / can’t stand lists from eHarmony (yes, I totally printed them out because I think they’re the best thing I ever got from eHarmony), but when I give one up there’s a damn good reason. That I considered thoroughly before moving forward.
Of course, some things by necessity reveal themselves later. The holidays, for example, land when they land. Ripe with opportunities to learn new things.
It’s true that I can’t really look at the first few months of my last relationship and surmise that he would get all the way to October and then not be excited about spending the holidays with me. That one is a stumper, and so I have to believe that it’s more to do with us and me and what he ultimately wants, than the holidays really.
But see, that brings me back to my original point. I know what I want. I’m making decisions within the first six months of a relationship. I’m doing the cost benefit analysis. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that something new might present itself later in the relationship that changes my position. And yes, I realize that perhaps this is what happened - something I did,
something about me that wasn't evident in the beginning? But me, well usually, I’m a first 3 months dumper, maybe 6, even more likely: 1 month in.
Man, is that weird? My point is, though, that even when YOU know what you want, your partner may take longer to figure it out.
And then you may find yourself heartbroken for the holidays in what would have been month 11.
So exactly how much good does knowing what *I* want ever do me?
~
Linky Goodness from the BlogHer Sex & Relationships Blogs:
Stockholm Syndrome - vanbono writes about being in the sh*t.
What If He's Cheating? - dashingscorpio offers a different perspective on this particular relationship fear.
Sustainable Relationships - MaryanneLive offers sage advice for nurturing the relationship you're in.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>For example, MaryanneLive asks, "Got Friends?"
]]>For example, MaryanneLive asks, "Got Friends?"
My mother told me I was lucky if I could count all my real friends on one hand!Must have been fifteen or so years ago now, when it occurred to me after a string of disappointing intimate relationships that maybe she was right—again. That it might be wise to invest more time in creating some deep and lasting friendships, as they theoretically seemed to have greater staying power and could be in many ways equally fulfilling, perhaps in some ways even more.
She lays out what she's looking for in a friendship and her plan to find new friends to bond with.
On the other side of the coin, AnnQuirk writes about When to break up with a friend:
In reality, the decision to end a friendship isn’t that much different than the decision to end a romantic relationship (there’s just no sex involved…well, usually). In a platonic friendship, there’s certainly going to be ups and downs, and lord knows each of you are going to be a jerk at some point.
I think the key is you should be getting more out of a friendship than you’re putting in.
She's dealing with the kind of friend who consistently has drama and pulls you into it.
And here's two way to cultivate friendships from Danielle LaPorte. She suggests asking "How can I help?"
That uncomfortable silence after a friend has told you his bad news or
a rant of how overwhelmed she is. Break ups and broken arms and melt
downs. Even for our best friends we don't always know what to say or do
to make it better. We fumble to fill the space with salving words, or
sometimes worse, with solutions. When really, all we need to do is ask:
How can I help?
This would be when you *don't* want to break-up with your friend! There's definitely a difference between someone going through a difficult time and someone who is just drama, drama, drama, day after day, and month after month, and year after year.
And she hits on a fav topic of mine: giving compliments, in her post, giving compliments, world peace, and the warm fuzzies:
I want to start a Compliment Revolution. There are a few revolutions I'd like to ignite, actually, but this one is super easy. If you're with me {go ahead, shout it now, "I'm with you!",} I think we could change the world this very week. So I'm declaring this the week of Global of Compliments. Someone call Hallmark and the Nobel Peace Prize committee.
And then she gives some great tips on how and when to give compliments.
Finally, here's something I simply must share with you, as *your* blog friend. I found it in a post on BlogHer from J.D. Bauchery: Link Love from HotMoviesFromHer.com. The link I love so much that I've already shared it on Facebook is These Ain't Ya Mama's Disney Princes! And a Facebook friend pointed me to the artist, David Kawena, so definitely check out ALL his sexy work.
Now I'm off to sweet dreams for sure...
Did you know you can get a topic specific RSS feed of any topic on BlogHer? Just go to that topic in the all topics pull down on the top right navigation bar, and then you can choose just the editor posts, or
all the posts to get our awesome community content, too.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>It's different in real life, though. Usually just one person "knows." And I suspect that unrequited love eventually revealed and then actually returned is a massive rarity. More often, unrequited love is something to be gotten over. Somehow or another.
In movies, of course, there is the long-suffering lover.
Fiona in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" is a classic, while Mark from "Love Actually," I often think of as a shining example of respecting the great emotion of love, while releasing it as need be when one is ready.
Again, romantic in movies; major suck in real life.
I was thinking the other day about the physical aspect of unrequited love. I suspect that it's usually a major factor in making the affliction so hard to shake. After all, in our modern lives the mind/body connection, when experienced, seems downright mystical.
When we meet someone and our body reacts, how can it not seem meant to be? Oddly, the physical reaction - and I don't mean pure sexual attraction alone, I mean a physical reaction to another's voice, smell, manner, etc. - can seem to elevate our emotional and mental response and give it an unshakable weight. Surely, if the body reacts so unbidden, true love is at hand.
Except often it's just not.
I find most amazing, the experience of the physical reaction when totally separate from the mental and emotional. Here, perhaps, is where salvation from unrequited love can be found. Because if you can experience the physical reaction to someone's voice or presence in the complete absence of mind and heart desire for romantic love, then you can know that it is simply a trick.
Sometimes I wonder if on some physical level my body is simply reacting to a good gene match or some such. And since I'm not looking for healthy off-spring, I say to my body, Goosebump away. Adrenaline, shortness of breath, a quickening heartbeat. Without actual love and attraction between two people, it's all nothing.
But it does make for very good stories.
~
Linky goodness (jams edition):
Top 5 Unrequited Love Songs from thosegirlsarewild.com
Flashback Friday--I Can't Make You Love Me from Blah Blah Blah
Apricot Riesling Jam from Simply Recipes - Don't miss this from retroknit in the comments:
As an interesting and slightly macabre side note, the apricot pits impart a slight almond-y flavor to the jam because they contain traces of cyanogenetic glycosides, which essentially turn into cyanide upon ingestion. (Almonds contain trace amounts of the same stuff, and bitter almonds contain lots of it - hence the flavor; Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Love in the Time of Cholera starts out with a cyanide/almond reference - IIRC, the first line is "It was inevitable - the smell of bitter almonds always reminded him of unrequited love.")
Roasting the apricot pits should get rid of most of the cyanogenetic glycoside, and it would take a fair number of whole, unroasted apricot pits to hurt a child (and many more to hurt an adult) - so putting one in the bottom of your jam jars should be just fine. But yep, it's the teensiest bit of tasty, tasty cyanide that gives the jam that slight almond flavor.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>It comes down to the fact, that I want an equal partner in my life, and I'm still working on the success thing. So when I myself had money and power, and I was single, maybe I would date men with money and power. But right now, I'm a hardworking girl who wants to be with a hardworking boy. I mean, if you form a partnership, success is bound to ebb and flow and your relationship evolves to adapt. But, I've never been interested in seeking out someone who's far ahead of me on the curve when starting a *new* relationship.
Certainly, in L.A. one comes across people with more money and more power. And certainly the occasion might come up to date someone like that. But when I really stopped to think about it this time, I realized that I actually perceive it as a negative; beyond it simply not being on my list of say, ten most desirable categories, money and power are actually something to be negated by other positive qualities like geekiness or sense of humor.
And the thought of someone putting money and power over say, sexual compatibility or chemistry... I mean, really??? Intellectually, I get that there's people out there who aren't like me. But putting that aside, to my heart and soul and every cell in my body, that's just crazy talk. I can pay my own damn bills; I don't need or want a man for that!
Because I don't really get it, I tend to think of women attracted to money and power as a hold over from days gone by, where many woman didn't have many choices or the ability or right to take care of themselves even if they wanted to. Or I think of it in terms of a father-figure thing. When I meet a woman who might wheedle something out of her father, I think, OK, maybe that's a woman who can date someone with money and power.
Man, I hope this post doesn't sound judgey. Because the truth is, if two people are happy and consenting and nothing unethical is going on, more power to you. When I look at a woman seemingly motivated by money and power, and a man motivated by what is usually presented as the flip side of the coin - youth and attractiveness, not only do I not judge, I don't even assume that it's really about what people say it's about.
But if it *is* purely about his money and power, I just don't get it.
What about you? Do you understand that stereotypical saw? 'Cause I get sick of reading it, myself.
~
Linky Goodness:
Is It OK for Women to Be Breadwinners? - A he-said-she-said where he says that men are insecure and are intimidated by powerful women.
Bitch? Yes. Cougar? No. - She's *not* into younger men.
Anatomy of Niceness - Thoughts on "nice guys."
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>And what would my friends be like? Grown-up. So many married. So many houses. So many with children.
]]>And what would my friends be like? Grown-up. So many married. So many houses. So many with children.
You know what? It was fine. Good even. I didn't really fit there anymore (if I ever did), but I loved seeing my friends, we had a great time, and I still love South Florida.
I hardly even saw any children, except in pictures. Only those of a good friend whose place my boyfriend and I stayed at, and they were adorable. Of course, they gravitated right to my boyfriend. They totally had my number. I look at children like I'm discovering a strange new animal. So small, and they walk and talk, too!
Interestingly, though, what I find myself thinking about since I left are people I totally didn't even see during my visit. Parents. Older people.
Role models. Support systems. Family. Most of my friends in South Florida live their lives surrounded by family.
I am somewhat aware that this exists in L.A. for many people, but I rarely come in direct contact with it, and it's definitely not part of my regular life. It's hard to plant new roots here, though I like to imagine myself digging my fingers into the ground, demanding it let me in.
But it's the role model and daily support aspects of nearby family that I sometimes consider with what can only be described as growing wonder. I'm sure so many of you have this, and it's just completely normal. Well, give someone a hug today, because I can't even imagine what it's really like.
In particular, as it relates to relationships. How many stories have I read or seen where a couple hits a bumpy patch and people in their lives work to hold the relationship together? Share their wisdom about life and love. Give perspective and support. Often, family leads by example. Provides strength simply by being around and being together.
And OK, I paint in my mind a somewhat rosy and idealized picture, but how often have I felt, when my relationship gets rocky, the deep wish that there was someone older and wiser to help us. Someone that was on *our* side. Who respected us as a couple and was wise enough to speak to what's truly important in life.
To share any morsel of wisdom that comes from experience.
OK, I'm off in a bit of a storyland here, where if only I was surrounded by parental units (and above), my own personal relationships would be stronger. And that's a little silly, I suppose.
But it is also a little strange to never be around people's parents ever. To never have those relationships to look to as potential examples you can learn from. That's what I think of when I think of South Florida. That back where I'm from there are so many people who regularly see their parents and their friends' parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles.
And that's got to provide some powerful perspective. At least, it seems that way from the I-have-no-actual-idea seats.
~
Linky Goodness:
Who Are Your Relationship Role Models? (Don't miss the comment thread!)
Online couples: You are on your own!
Happiness, Misery, and Relationships.
Are Your Friends Hurting Your Relationship?
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Did she rescue him, or did he rescue her? BlogHer kdsalyer writes about her dog Bear in her post, Rescued:
]]>Did she rescue him, or did he rescue her? BlogHer kdsalyer writes about her dog Bear in her post, Rescued:
But as I turned into my parking space, I caught sight of a puppy, a large one. He was all white with one brown ear. I had the strangest, strongest feeling, I can’t explain it, but I thought, that is my dog. I shook my head and figured it was the depression talking, and decided that I was moving to a whole new level of crazy if I felt that I connected with a dog I didn’t need and couldn’t afford across 30 feet of asphalt.
No word in that post about Bear's habits in terms of her bed, but LRM's post, To Have And To Hold, Sorta., has a lot to say about Oscar's sleeping habits:
Truth is, our dog’s sleeping preferences take precedence in bed. (Marriage Counselors, Concerned Veterinarians and Sleep Lab Specialists can contact us at: StuffMarriedPeopleLike@hotmail.com) Oscar dozes while we read. And then we don’t have the heart to move him. So John and I flank the mattress, enjoying a quarter of the allotted space while our 12-pound Scoodle stretches horizontally between us. Reason #34 Why It’s A Dog’s Life: Sharing (or taking over) the bed.
From dogs to Facebook...
I like to joke that I went from Facebook holdout to Facebook evangelist in about five minutes. Which might actually be funny if it weren't literally true. I *love* a post about Facebook, because I *love* Facebook. Still there's downsides to Facebook, sure.
BlogHer caliaroze found out that Somebody has a bad attitude!
I replied, “Thank you for your interest but your profile says that you have children and a dog and I’m allergic to dogs and I want my own children one day. I’m sure you’re very nice, but I’m not interested. ”…enough right? Kind, honest, to the point, not mean, simple, gone, right?…WRONG! He responded telling me that he used to be as “selfish” as I am and I was going to miss out on something great because his wife had a daughter from a previous marriage before him and he loves her dearly.
And halftimelessons wrote about The TimeBomb That Is Facebook:
I have come to the conclusion that it is only a matter of time before I get lost in the specifics of all my technological fascinations, and make the whopper of all mistakes. It's kinda like when I was a kid and I desperately wanted one of those chronograph watches with six thousand functions. And when I went to my "dad" and asked him for one, he said "you know, the more bells and whistles you have on it, the more that there is to go wrong."
Finally, this month in the Sex & Relationship BlogHer Blogs, there was Man Hair. Oh, yes! BlogHer orange peel wrote about Manscaping:
Manscaping is a new term for me, although the instant I heard it, I knew what it was. Pretty self explanatory. The definition, anyway. The motivation behind it, not so much. While there is nothing wrong with trimming those nose hairs, do I really want my husband in the bathroom shaving his nether regions? After a long, hard day at work, do I want him to take his semi truck to the salon (and that's Salon, not saloon) and have his back waxed?
God, no. Why? Because I married a man, not a smooth skinned prepubescent boy. I like some chest hair on my men.
Meanwhile, kimsisto shared a sexy post, Flirting with Twenty, featuring a great punch line and a hot, young, sexy blond:
She goes on to tell me that the guys begin nudging one of their friends off his bar stool to apparently go and speak to her.“So this cute blonde walks over and reports that they all have a bet on how old I am.His face is beet red, and this alone makes me immediately like him.He stands there in front of my table with a few strand of his white-blonde hair sweeping over his young, flawless face, and I’m thinking, this is the sweetest looking guy I’ve ever seen in my entire life.I’m thinking other things, too, but we won’t go into that right now…. Later on…
Trust me, this one has a great ending. And a pretty good middle, too.
And finally, here's three posts I loved that didn't fit my theme this month:
From Vanbono - How filling out a Customs Declaration Form can break your heart. This one's a heart-tugger.
From irisdittall - Pickle Me To Death. She's on a quest for lesbian sex.
From Denee King - Live Each Day As If It Was Your "First". This one hit my Facebook *and* I printed it out and hung it up.
Did you know you can get a topic specific RSS feed of any topic on
BlogHer? Just go to that topic in the all topics pull down on the top
right navigation bar, and then you can choose just the editor posts, or
all the posts to get our awesome community content, too.
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Ironically, I broke up with him. I suppose that among other things, this very well may have been commitment phobia at its most perverse. Maybe I just couldn't take the fear anymore, so I cut myself free. I'm not sure, but cut and run I did, all the way across the country to Los Angeles.
Where I learned what being cheated on really feels like. And I learned what it's like to have someone come over like everything's normal, have sex, sleep over, and break up with you in the morning. And I learned what it's like to be completely strung along and jerked around.
And now the fear is back, only this time it is manifesting as much more mundane: Fear he'll stop loving me, fear he wants to break up with me, fears about my attractiveness, fears about our potential future together. It all seems more reasonable, and that I find, at times, much more paralyzing.
Yet, it's still absurd for many reasons. For one, I know that if my current relationship ended, I would survive. *That*, at least, I've got down. I know how to be alone. I feel less sure about our future together, because I just feel like I have less of a clue about how to be in a relationship, but mentally I understand that things will be worked through in their own good time. It's almost like the fear is larger than the reality. It rises up like a large wave, that if it came crashing down I would surely have the skills to swim through - but it's still a scary-ass wave when you're looking up at it.
I definitely think my fear is currently being exacerbated by my unemployment and the upcoming holidays. Currently both are uncertain situations and that's definitely driving me mad. I can only do what I can do in regards to both, so I do that and then I walk around my house like a caged animal trying to accept that which I cannot change.
Sometimes, this time around, I do talk to my partner about my fears. But sometimes I don't, because to be honest, at some point it's just too much crazy to share. So sometimes I want to just face the wave down myself, find my own solutions when I can, and move on.
Still, ultimately I wish I could just swim in a calmer ocean.
~
Linky Goodness:
Check out this blog about relationships with narcissists: All About Him by Lisa E. Scott. Been there. Done that. It sucked.
The Grip of Fear by Laura Facciponti on BreathXpress.
Her Biggest Dating Fears from eharmony on AOL Personals.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Early in my life, when I was in love it was the feeling and emotion and sheer being of love that I held paramount. Once I was in love I went on for years without considering the negatives of a relationship and what I really wanted as reasons to break up. After all, I was in love! Everything else just needed to somehow work from there. Because I was in love, I would give and give and give so long as I felt the emotion. I didn't consider leaving a relationship while I was in love, rather, I waited until the negative aspects of the relationship had fully killed it - often slowly and painfully - before I felt I could walk away.
Thinking back, I realize that something changed drastically the day I ended a relationship when I was still totally in love, but completely sick of the negative situations that were occurring. This hurt much, much worse, but it certainly was faster. I wasn't receiving what I needed out of the relationship, so I bailed. For years, I think I've struggled with the fall-out from this change. At the time, it felt strong, but I also wondered a lot about the speed and drastic nature of that decision in the years that followed.
Like most things, I think that the best path lies somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.
Years of dating in Los Angeles have taught me some valuable lessons. When I moved here, finding someone to love wasn't anything I thought of as particularly difficult. I'd always just rolled from one person to the next, and even though my relationships hadn't worked out, they were always with good, honorable people. Once I got a little older, and into a different geographical situation, suddenly someone to love seemed near impossible to find. I gained a stronger sense of how amazing it is to have someone in your life who you love, trust, and respect - imperfections and all.
Add my growing appreciation for what's most important to the firming up of who I am and what I'm looking for in a partner, and I believe I'm happily finding that happy medium. Certainly, there *are* situations where love isn't enough and a relationship isn't OK. But there's also always going to be compromise, and if you think there's not, well, I think you're going to be looking for someone to love for a very long time.
That girl who fought for love above all else was very passionate. And that girl who walked away from love was very strong. And this woman, right here today?
She's both.
~
Linky Goodness:
Susan Walsh blogs The 10 Greatest Love Stories of All Time on Hooking Up Smart. Also her post When You're Desperate It's Time To Get Picky has a great comments thread.
Skylana blogs a sad, heartfelt stream of consciousness, remember that your eyes can be your enemies on her blog, honestly.
And don't miss this post from Crabby McSlacker over on The Juice, Making Love in the Home Depot Parking Lot, about the things that make her feel loved. (Love it!)
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>After I found out, he abruptly cut off all communication with me, became someone I instantly did not know, and never, ever showed a flicker of remorse or sorrow. I fell apart in ways I am embarrassed to think of now. I completely lost my footing and my confidence.
A great deal of my sorrow was just over the fact that one person could do such a thing to another. Especially to someone who had shown them only kindness and love. And WHY? Why had he drawn me into his life, made these plans, while LIVING with someone? How could I be so stupid? What signs had I missed? Why would someone treat me this way?
And then there was the suitcase that came back with her from her last trip to see him. You simply must read about the suitcase.
Thankfully, not all the posts that give your heartstrings a tug are sad. mrsalbrecht wrote a beautiful piece about meeting her husband: 10th Wedding Anniversary.
What Becca failed to mention when she introduced me to Tom was that I had moved
from Indiana, where I had lived for a few years with my family, back to
Pennsylvania. She forgot to say we had known each other as girls, and
recently had reconnected. But, God had plans to again cause my path to
cross with Tom’s.
Don't worry, he figures it out!
Sometimes, we look to our friend's relationships for inspiration and faith. So it can throw us when the reality of their world isn't quite how we see it. Kel wonders, should you Love the one you're with?
I watched a friend love a man with all her heart. I watched a friend marry the man she loved. I watched a friend raise her children with this man and from where I stood - their love seemed impenetrable. I watched from a distance as my friends relationship weathered thru time and dreamed that one day I would be able to stand there and say I found a partner to stand by me for all those years and that we were each others rock in a storm. And then I listened as my friend told me she found someone new.
I really identify with her post when she talks about letting go of the predictable and sending her future into the unknown.
Finally, so as not to leave you too heavy, here's some delightful, lighter fair from the BlogHer Sex & Relationships Blogs this month:
single_M0M blogs about Friendship Sex
Romancing_the_stone blogs about IVF and the Newlywed: The Things You Give Away
Martinis or Diaper Genies posts a titular post, Martinis or Diaper Genies
Did you know you can get a topic specific RSS feed of any topic on BlogHer? Just go to that topic in the all topics pull down on the top right navigation bar, and then you can choose just the editor posts, or all the posts to get our awesome community content, too.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>It resonates with me because I swear I feel exactly this way about disrespect. I simply can't bear it and find it completely unacceptable and shocking when someone is rude to me. Just imagine me as Otto, "Don't Disrespect Me!"
]]>It resonates with me because I swear I feel exactly this way about disrespect. I simply can't bear it and find it completely unacceptable and shocking when someone is rude to me. Just imagine me as Otto, "Don't Disrespect Me!"
Sometimes when I listen to couples talk to each other disrespectfully, or hear a girlfriend recount a conversation with her partner where he talked to her like she's a 3-year-old, or read a blog post about someone's fight with their spouse, or when someone is rude to my face, it pretty much blows me away. I don't understand how people can talk to each other like that. I don't understand how anyone thinks it's OK.
I often think, I'd rather be single than deal with that. Why does anyone stay in a relationship like that? But life's not really that simple.
I refuse to accept disrespect as OK, and yet it's another one of those deal-breaker questions. I mean, sure, if your partner suddenly turns out to be a racist, that might be a cut-and-dried cut-and-run, but a little sporadic rudeness? That you talk about and through and then hopefully it won't happen again. Or as much. Or the same way.
Maybe it comes with the relationship territory? I still find it so weird, though, when people in relationships are rude to each other. It's the stuff of my nightmares, a lifetime of being talked down to or treating rudely by someone who's supposed to love me.
For my part, when faced with disrespect or rudeness (note, we're talking personal life here; professional life is a whole different story), I usually shut down or am not sure how to respond. Usually I just get weak and sad and feel beat down. Sometimes wish I was one to snarl back, more of a fighter. But I guess I'd rather feel beat down
than be mean and disrespectful myself. Being rude back doesn't seem like much of a solution.
Is your partner ever rude and disrespectful to you? Are you to them? How do you feel about that? What do you do?
I know people say we always hurt the ones we love. I get that that's a dynamic that develops, but it's so not cool. I think we should be committed to respecting the people that we love, even when they drive us crazy.
Hey, call me an idealist, but please, "Don't disrespect me!"
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Linky Goodness:
Allison from Agenda: Fitness had to work through an outburst from her husband on Day 2.
Emma Salkild from Sorry, Dad, England is Weird had to learn How to not offend the English in a funny post about weather-related small talk.
Suzie from Priceless Professional Development shares practical tips for dealing with Relationship Communication Breakdown: The Greatest Hindrance. My fav: Appreciation.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>And then they go and meet someone new, and pow! At least from where you're sitting it looks like they've morphed into a totally different person. Someone you might have stayed in a relationship with even. Or at least maybe wanted to.
]]>And then they go and meet someone new, and pow! At least from where you're sitting it looks like they've morphed into a totally different person. Someone you might have stayed in a relationship with even. Or at least maybe wanted to.
I have to admit, this sort of thing *kills* me. It hurts my heart something fierce. And it's not a matter of what could have been or wanting something you don't have or not wanting what you do have. No, it's more a matter of simple bitterness.
Meanwhile, I usually stay friends with my exes and manage to keep my less than charitable feelings under control, but OMG Facebook seems to make this harder. Pic after pic after status update of here's me being a totally different person with my new beau. Readily available for your viewing pleasure any time you're already feeling like crap. New media tools are so awesome.
I try to remember that when any two people come together, the combination creates different dynamics within the partners. For example, being treated like crap doesn't tend to bring out the best in most people. Whereas when your ex treats their new love with caring and respect, amazingly, that relationship goes better. Funny how that works.
OK, that little exercise only helps a little. It works better when you stay in the general idea of different people bringing out different sides of their partners. Better to stay away from specifics. Next thing you know you'll be trying to figure out what about you made your ex treat you so poorly. Yeah, been there.
Instead perhaps, I recommend reminiscing a bit on your ex's flaws,
as evidenced by your relationship with them, and how they are bound to
resurface at some point, undoubtedly pulling down the wool they're
clearing holding over their new partner's eyes. All those things they
did when they were with you are bound to pop up again.They'll probably blow their new relationship, too.
Or, on the other hand, it could be that the new beau is one to take
their mistreatment, or kiss more ass, or whatever might feed your ex's
personal dysfunctional needs. And you don't want to be *that* chick, right?
That might even be why you're not with them anymore.
So, here's a better way to look at it. Most of us - hopefully, eventually - learn from our relationships. Your relationship with your ex didn't work out, and probably that's due to multiple factors. But, as you were screaming, say for example, "You never brought me flowers, you cheap bastard!" Somewhere in their psyche a lesson may have gotten through. And in their next relationship, which of course, they want to work because why else start a new relationship, now they might think, Hey, let me try that flower thing.
The moral being, if your ex *is* treating their new partner better, and *is* in a healthy, happy relationship, really what's to gain by being bitter? They're a better person, maybe at least a little bit because of what they learned when they were with you. Hopefully, you also learned, and you also moved on. 'Cause really, what else is a healthy, happy, strong, only-occasionally-bitter person to do?
And hey, with any luck, the new girl *hates* flowers.
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Linky goodness:
Lara Kulpa writes on BlissTree about When He Moves On and Treats Her Better.
Anna Goldfarb writes on Smitten Kitten a Quick Rant: Why Can't More Guys Be "Nice?"
Alisa answers on Project Happily Ever After the question Is friending your ex on Facebook cheating?
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>One I have been consuming with alarming regularity lately.
]]>One I have been consuming with alarming regularity lately.
In my man's defense, I was the one who suggested In-And-Out Burger the other night. On the other hand, it's totally him who gets what I call "the Menchies face," which sends us immediately to get yummy frozen yogurt, which I inevitably top with mini chocolate chips. It's not the worst treat in the world in moderation; it's not even the problem. It's just every little regular compromise that's slowly killing me.
My boyfriend totally makes me whole wheat bread and brown rice, too, which is wonderful. It's just that he and his friends are foodies, and too often I'm surrounded by incredible homemade food that's not always what I want to be eating. With desert.
When I cook, I make him a vegetable-tastic dinner and he jokes, "Where's the main course?" Meanwhile, his main courses are living around my waistline!
OK, maybe that's the beer.
Now, before this post goes on too long, I know I look fine. I went to BlogHer, and I'm going to my 20-year reunion, and it's fine. I'm not on some mind trip of self-hate here. But what's not fine is that the number on the scale *is* creeping up, fat is collecting on my body, and I am way off track in my diet. ("Diet" in terms of how I prefer to eat, not as in being "on a diet.") Pull up the wagon, I want to get back on!
That means saying no again to things I don't want to be eating and talking with my boyfriend about how we eat on a day to day basis, and just how often that involves desert. 'Cause I'm not giving up the beer.
And clearly, I am not the only one in this situation:
From Elizabeth Cole in the Examiner - Relationships 101: Is my boyfriend making me fat? This one has some strong practical tips.
From XMommy - My boyfriend is making me fat?! (a little long). She's struggling with treats and workouts.
From Joanna Goddard on Smitten -
Is Your Boyfriend Making You Fat? Great comment thread on this one.
From Poptart - My Boyfriend is Making Me Fat. Quick and humorous.
From Lily Beach on My Sister's Going to Kill Me When I Get to Heaven - Is my boyfriend making me fat? Honey, it's not controlling to ask him not to load sugar into your coffee!
And from Greta on Noodling - Sunday, Bloody, Sunday. A rather bombastic post which certainly *could* be titled, My Boyfriend is Making Me Fat.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>RelationshipQueen shares, Why It's Great To Be Single:
I think most of us single people tend to look at the negative side of being single. You know, every time you go out to the grocery store..you see the young couples holding hands with the shiny wedding rings on…they make you want to puke. Why? Jealously..just a little. Instead of focusing on how lonely you are, how every night you sit at home and eat ice cream, or how you always go to the movies alone, or how you have to make out with your pillow cuz no one will kiss you, vacations by yourself, dinner for one, ….oh, well you get the point…why don’t you think of reasons why married peeps should be jealous of you? It’s called a half full glass, ever heard of it? Yes, embrace being single because it’s not going to be this way forever, unless you are a total loser with a farting problem.
She's got a great list of the good stuff. And also check out her post, What Have You Learned From Past Relationships?
On that note, SingleEdition brings us a great lesson: Gracefully Exiting a One Night Stand:
You don't want to seem rude, but when the beer goggles are wearing off and that lover's breath begins to sour, all you want is your own bed. One-night stands are an etiquette minefield, but you can exit the situation with class.
There's some useful stuff in this one. I think many of us struggle to balance not wanting to be rude with being true to what we want. Stand up for it! And then walk out the door.
However, if that last post appealed to you, I don't think you're going to be dating the Dominant Man who's Craig's List ad so tickled EventfulDater:
From time to time, I will come across a posting that will just blow me away. A man will be so articulate about what he is looking for that I have to take a moment and appreciate his clarity. I would like to share with my dear readers the following posting on Craig’s list:
I'll make this clear and simple. I am looking for a woman who likes being told what to do and put in her place 24/7.
Oh yes, there's more. It's breathtaking in its honestly, that's for sure.
But let's end on a more romantic note. KatieDotCom blogs about The One Who Got Away:
We all have 'the one who got away'.
You know, THAT one.
The one where things were perfect for a while. Problems would arise but
the friendship, connection and mind-blowing sex were so amazing that it
canceled out any of the bad that happened. Even though you would fight
every so often, everything was always okay.Until one day it wasn't.
Katie asks, "Do you think of an ex as 'the one who got away' or do you consider yourself as 'the one who got away'?" Which is a pretty interesting question. I love thinking about both sides of the coin, don't you?
And I love reading great sex & relationships posts, of which there are always lots to choose from every month on BlogHer. Did you know you can get a topic specific RSS feed of any topic on BlogHer? Just go to that topic in the all topics pull down on the top right navigation bar, and then you can choose just the editor posts, or all the posts to get our awesome community content, too.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
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