Still, I grew up immersed in it. Like many Gen-Xers, I was told about and could see another way, but at home the world worked the way it had for so long. I was taught to serve man. Serve him dinner, not serve him *for* dinner.
I was so firm in my beliefs and personal resolutions, that I didn't even notice what I was picking up along the way despite myself.
The first glimmer came with my then fiance when I was asking him to do something he didn't want to do - I can't remember what and it really doesn't matter. The point was, he didn't want to compromise, and he said that I never compromised. I countered that I compromised all the time, and when I gave him examples, he said, Yeah, but you didn't really care about that stuff.
But, I did. I really did. Thing is, when I compromised, I was ever gracious. The way I'd been taught. I'm a master of making sure you're comfortable, and that you understand it's no worries. Because once I've decided to compromise, then that's how it is.
I suppose it was the first death knell of that relationship that often after that when I was compromising I would announce it clearly. It was absurd, but there it was. Being gracious was getting me nowhere.
Years later, I've become a more straightforward person than I was before. I shrugged off the lessons in passive aggression and manipulation - people who take care of themselves and have power over their lives don't need it. But the lesson that my needs come second in a relationship is something I've continued to struggle with. Because it's completely internalized. I do it without thinking - sometimes requiring me to backtrack or "change my mind."
Like I get off the phone and think, Wait a minute, that's not what I want. So I call back and change what I said before.
And that's just confusing to everyone. But I can't help it. Sometimes I just compromise what I want without thinking.
Or, then I fear it swings the other way. I've learned to and work to clearly express my needs, but then, both partners *do* need to compromise - I struggle to find the balance. I wonder about the things I do stand up for, and I worry about the future. How do two people who've lived alone come together and compromise on things like air conditioning and window shades? I want to believe it just happens, but it feels like the first time I saw mountains on my way to California from Florida - I couldn't imagine how we were going to be able to drive through them.
In my professional life, I've mastered the art of picking my battles. But everything has this added weight in a relationship. It's your personal life; it matters more. It effects how you live and how you act and suddenly you're living with things and doing things you'd never do if you were on your own. That scares the crap out of me.
I muddle forward and try my best to communicate clearly and find the balance. I hope I'm figuring it out as I go, but it's very challenging. Does anyone else struggle with this?
~
Here's some pretty serious posts from women struggling with various relationship issues:
AngelaMae ask When Do You Know? that it's time to get married.
rookieblogger has been Bitten in Love, unrequited.
Tracey writes I walk the line... to divorce or not to divorce?
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Let's start with that Krispy Kreme wedding cake, shall we? Kat Burb blogs about 5 Years & A Handful of Hours - Krispy Kreme Wedding Cake:
Because our wedding was somewhat of a destination wedding (we were married in my hometown in Southern California while we lived in the Midwest), I didn’t do a lot of the wedding planning or organizing - my mom did. However, we discussed a lot and I visited to figure some stuff out and I had a few things that I clearly wanted on my wedding day.One of those things was a Krispy Kreme wedding cake. I’m not super fond of cake and I like people to remember things and a cake is a cake but if you say a donut cake, people listen! My mom was horrified at the thought.
I love her story, and her Krispy Kreme cake. There's a (delicious!) picture with the post, too.
Now, before the wedding, there's usually dating. And nowadays, that often means online dating. Sandygfpi offers some safety tips in her post, My, how things have changed. Meanwhile, CEEBEE talks about respecting your desires in her post, I'm worth it:
It doesn't matter if you are celibate or promiscuous, you must value yourself. You must see that you are worth what ever is needed to make you feel happy and valuable. I am not talking diamonds and furs. I am talking respect.
I've got two posts on first loves and losing one's virginity. CHRISTYPHX09 urges for caution in her post, Young Women Need to Be Selective not Selected:
I don’t regret the decisions I made. I am not in the business of doing that. My message is to look at dating in a new way. Have fun but don’t get serious with anyone until you have dated them for at least a year and a half. And don’t even think of getting married if you’re still in your twenties!
And rabbitwhite blogs about the first time, Like a Virgin:
When I set out to write this post it was with the thought of “Why
did I become a crazy-stalker after I lost my virginity?” I know a lot
of my friends have recounted similar stories, of writing long
embarrassing love letters or drunken explosions at parties.
From a little further down the experience road, vanbono wonders Was it a waste? (Hint: No.)
It's been about 2 months and 2 weeks since I left him. When I think of how that time has passed, I think of all the positive things I've done, the change in me, and the clearer way in which I see myself. Then I think of the last nine years I spent with him. What was I doing? Was it a waste of time?
Her post is also a tale of friendship and how we sometimes see so much more in our friends than we give ourselfs credit for.
Finally, I'll let this post from kaira about saying "sorry" say it all: Stand strong and stay powerful. Rock on, BlogHers!
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>I made this discovery while listening to some co-workers discuss a certain famous person who's equally famous wife they judged as significantly less physically attractive than him. They found the relationship baffling. They couldn't imagine why he would want to be with her. My brief assertion that perhaps he was attracted to her for various other reasons - Well, I might as well have been speaking a different language. Later, I overheard a similar conversation about someone not famous, where meeting his partner was baffling because she wasn't as attractive as he.
How completely depressing are these conversations and comments that communicate so clearly that the most important thing about a woman is her looks? Take one of the coolest women on the planet, look at her husband and think, how could he want her? How crazy is that!
I tried to find solace in the fact that Mr. Famous is clearly above that BS.
But then, it's difficult when someone amazing and beautiful like Serena Williams or Sarah Jessica Parker is on the television and some guy takes the opportunity to point out that all that matters about them - with all their accomplishments and talent - is how they match today's accepted look for women. I always think, someday I will accomplish my goal to become a successful director, and maybe I will someday walk across a stage to get an award, and the only thing that will matter to certain people in the audience - all they will see - is whether I'm hot or not. Nothing else about me matters to them because I'm a woman so what's most notable about me is my appearance.
It's kinda sick. It's really sad.
But back to dating, it's based on the old cliche, right? That men are made attractive by money and power, and women are made attractive... by being attractive. Well, I don't care about money and power - unless we're talking about me personally getting some, and I've got no use for anyone's opinion that a man deserves a woman who's better looking than him just by the mere fact of his manhood. I think people are individuals. I think individuals bring various pluses and minuses to a relationship, of which looks are just one factor. And I think relationships come in all shapes, sizes, and configurations.
Most important, I think all kinds of people are attractive in all kinds of ways.
And I think that plenty of people out in the world think and live that way, too.
So if you overhear one of these conversations, may I suggest my response? "Huh, I guess looks really don't matter." The proof is all around you if you just start to look.
What about you? Would you date someone better looking than you? Have you? (Some might say I have, but only by L.A. standards in my book. ;)
~
Linky Goodness:
Joanna Goddard on Glamour asks,
Would You Rather: Be Average Looking But Have a Smoking Hot Boyfriend, Or Be Drop-Dead Gorgeous But Have an Average-Looking Boyfriend?
Don't miss Laurie White's post: I Want to Save Your Life (Fatass.)
Gotta love the LiveJournal. Check out 1minus_a_plus1 blogging about how Life is rough being a cute girl by yourself. (Hint: It's not so much.)
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Casual sex is an entirely different beast, though, isn't it?
]]>Casual sex is an entirely different beast, though, isn't it?
In these past years, when I was single I thought a lot about casual sex. While I absolutely prefer a long-term monogamous relationship, I started to consider widening my experiences. I was entirely frustrated with the lack of sex in my single life. I also found that sometimes when I got into relationships, the sex was unsatisfying and/or infrequent anyway. And that maybe sexual desire was effecting my choices regarding the beginnings and endings of said relationships because my single life didn't include any sex. (e.g., Well, I don't think either of us think this is going to be "the one," but maybe I'll just stay in this relationship a couple more months for the sex...)
Obviously, that's not really a good thing, so here's something I thought of too late to implement. Maybe you can test it out for me.
(I'm assuming here that you're the type who orgasms and
knows your body and what works for you. If that's not the case, it is,
as I say, a whole 'nother post.)
It occurred to me, that if you are having casual encounters where you aren't sure if you're going to be with the person in an ongoing way, then perhaps it's better to focus more on your orgasm. Consider being vocal and actively communicating what it takes for you to get there. You might choose to care about your orgasm every single time if, like me, you didn't before.
You even might consider not pursuing the encounter if/when you realize that you're not going to get there. Because otherwise, what are you there for? At least for me, casual sex doesn't come with many of the other things that make monogamous sex so enjoyable. It comes with some of them, clearly - I mean, heck, even simply making out is certainly fun. And it adds the interest of variety, which is certainly not to be discounted. But if we're talking sex without love, I suspect this lady needs an orgasm to feel satisfied.
Of course, now I'm totally off the market and happily ensconced with MBF. So field research on this matter is currently (permanently?) shelved.
Unless you'd like to give it a go yourself and report back?
~
Linky Goodness:
From Single Minded Women, Tracy Morris has a great interview with Dr. Carol Queen: The Sexually Healthy Single Woman.
From Brenda Wilson on NPR comes this ominously toned NPR piece: Sex Without Intimacy.
Jessica at Feministing reacts to the NPR piece: Et tu, NPR? Moral panic hits public radio.
And somewhat off topic except that it wonderfully highlights the diversity of women and their sexual and romantic needs, Your Wishcake blogs on being "a Charlotte"...
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Maybe I could have written that off as a fluke. But then it happened again. Worse.
]]>Maybe I could have written that off as a fluke. But then it happened again. Worse.
So yeah, I find the friend thing a little scary. It is horrible when someone's friends dislike you or think you're wrong for their friend. It's difficult for me, too, because it reflects a type of friendship that I generally don't have. For better or for worse, I usually come from a place of respecting the choices my friends make for themselves. I might express misgivings or ask questions about someone a friend is dating if I have a *really* strong reason to, but after that I drop it and respect the situation.
To have people actively campaign for my boyfriend to dump me... Well, that was as bizarre as it was painful. And no matter how my partner dealt with it, it's pretty lose lose. You're often brand new in these situations, whereas a person's friends have been around for a long time. And it seems like something you and partner have to navigate while the agitators just throw their weight around with no regard for the fact that you're a person and your partner is (hopefully) a grown-up who can make their own decisions.
Ah, fun times, fun times.
So yeah, I often teeter between paranoia and terror when meeting my partner's friends. On one hand, I like myself, I'm a confident person, and I love meeting new people. On the other hand, I desperately hope they aren't crazy and mean and calling my boyfriend behind my back to tell him I'm a horrible choice. Yes, I have dealt with some very not nice people, you'all.
Once you've touched evil it is really hard to shake it off.
Long story short? I struggle with these issues, I do the best I can, I really do love meeting new people, and I think (and hope!) that so far MBF and I are doing well on the friend front. I really like all his friends I've met so far anyway, and that's pretty cool. They seem to like me alright, too. Whew!
We've even had friends collide over the Battlestar Galactica game board with much success (and Cylon treachery). I can't tell you how happy that makes me. (Until MBF throws me in the brig. GRRR...)
~
Linky Goodness:
*Loved* this post from BlogHer Contributing Editor Susan Mernit: Dating & relationships: What if your friends don’t like him? It's about the other side of the coin; what if *your* friends don't like your partner?
Enjoyed this older post from Catherine Sanderson on Petite Anglaise: apprehensive. Particularly for this bit:
But, despite all these positives, I appear to be rather nervous. This I know because when packing for a weekend away, I do not generally make a habit of trying on the entire contents of my wardrobe in front of a full-length mirror. It’s one thing being anxious about making a good impression (and striving to minimise the impression made by my disproportionately large rear, lest it steal all the limelight), but this level of panic (a code red alert) seems a little excessive, even to me.
I will now admit that while packing for Portland my hands started shaking. I had all day to pack, and I was a disaster. Absurd packing ensued.
Beth writes on The Real Cougar Woman about Meeting His Friends.
karaokekitty writes on 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat!: #73 - Thinking that people are ashamed of me. She met a guy she met online and his friends at the same time! That's brave stuff, people.
~
How about you? Got any friends v. partner stories to share?
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Let's start sexy! I'll call the first pair of posts "OUT & IN."
Raerity lets it flow By the Law of Attraction:
]]>Let's start sexy! I'll call the first pair of posts "OUT & IN."
Raerity lets it flow By the Law of Attraction:
How we experience whatever it is that we have attracted into our lives is solely dependent on ourselves: once we've ordered the soup of the day, it's up to us to enjoy it, or not. The Law does not guarantee ever-lasting love, not even promise anything more than what we actively wish for. I learnt it the fun way.
If Raerity is letting new energy in, humanbeing is releasing some old energy out. She's 3159 emails lighter:
I’m usually not an accumulator. I’m that person who purges her
closets twice a year, who has just one box of sentimental objects, and
it’s only half-full. I go through my personal inbox a couple of times a
month and file stuff I think I’ll need later in folders. So it seems
odd to me that it has been four years since I hit the delete button on
my sent box.
When's the last time you went through your sent folder? I just had this experience myself while clearly my web mail, and it was a little creepy! After a couple, I just closed my eyes and hit delete without looking at anymore. Out with the old!
~
Second pair: "DOLLS & LOLLIPOPS."
Kerry On's brother John is Making a List and Checking it Twice, but does he want a Real Live Girl?
Eight-year-olds all over America swoon over the American Girl Doll. The marketing magic behind this creation is nothing short of brilliant. The magic?
For a mere $100.00 a little girl is able to create the exact doll she dreams of - she can select the exact hair color, the eye color, and the complexion - to match her own skin tone...
Hours later there I was at my brother's, reviewing his DREAM GIRL list - ironically, he, too, was looking for an American doll...
Meanwhile, Margot Mifflin from On The Issues Magazine has a real live daughter who likes to sing the lollipop song. She blogs about Teaching Daughters About Lollipop Politics:
How did it happen? One day I was a twentysomething heaping scorn on Tipper Gore and her campaign against explicit lyrics in pop music, and the next, 20 years later, I am Tipper Gore, driving my 12 year old home from school, listening to Lil Wayne singing “Lick it like a lollipop,” watching my daughter mouth the words “Let me get it juicy for you,” and wondering how it came to this on commercial radio.
What's particularly interesting about this post (and this song, incidentally) is that they have to do with oral sex. Not your average everyday sex talk.
~
Third pair: "SEXY MIDLIFE."
Hilarious post from Jane Becker, How To Have Great Sex:
I bought this month’s issue of a woman’s magazine without my glasses and it wasn’t until I got home that I saw the headline, “Great Sex Over 40!!!”
I promptly hid it under a pile of books so the Snapper wouldn’t see it—not because I’m a prude but because teenage boys are incredibly grossed out at the idea of women our age having sex. One time when George was kissing me in a promising way the Snapper snorted, “you guys are too old to be having sex!”
Uh-huh.
Meanwhile, XXandra offers Ask a cougar: Why do Younger Men Like Older Women?
I got an email from an anonymous cougar who wonders why younger men like older women. She’s had a relationship with a young man and described it as torture, always worried if he’s comparing you to younger women.
Well, I got news for you. He’s already compared you with girls his age. They came up silly, slutty, and boring. You came up intriguing, sexy, and exciting. He went with you. That’s not my opinion. I interviewed my cub, Michael, because, I too have often wondered about this.
OK, I'll be honest. I'm not a fan of "cougar" and "cub" terminology. But the interview *is* amusing.
~
Fourth pair: "OH, THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY."
Amy V sings I heard a rumor-ooh ooh- I heard a rumor...
If there is one thing I am passionate about – it is helping people become more aware of the power of their words and the absolute stupidity that comes with believing you actually know the truth about a person or a story if you are not that person!
She's got some good tales to tell about truths and misperceptions and how easy it is to slip between them.
Croak also wishes people would stop talking smack - about pregnancy to her partner! On your mark...get set...
Every day, Tony gets a little more comfortable with the idea of being a father. But anyone who knows Tony, knows that this scares the shit out of him. I mean the man is literally constipated. But he assures me and reassures me that he is jumping in with both feet and that he is as ready as he’s ever going to be so “let’s do this thing”. I know he will be a great dad, and I just can’t wait for him to know it too. He continues to quiz EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. with whom he comes into contact on a daily basis, and just yesterday he told me the lovely story...
Croak is wonderfully dramatic, and I can't help but wish her and her honey the best.
~
Last pair of posts! I'm going to call it... SOCK HUNTING.
First, you've got to find those socks, and MaryanneLive offers How and where to meet (good) guys:
As matter of fact there are approximately 50 million single men in the United States- RIGHT NOW!!
So how do you meet these guys (since you've taken the time to invest
in yourself you, of course, want a guy who's done the same, and not
just any random guy in a bar!) So, here are some of my favorites:
She's got some fun suggestions, complete with opening lines for once you're there.
But what's this about socks, you say? Well, just ask Denee King who proclaims, The Secret to a Great Marriage? Great SOCKS! It's a sweet little shorty, so click on through for the sock secret.
Read or written a great sex & relationships post lately? Here or on your own pad, do feel free to link it up in the comments!
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Just now I thought, OMG it's 4+ days together like all the time. You know how modern life is. We do the sleepover thing, but I still go a few days without seeing him. Even weekends we have breaks. Wow, I'm totally looking forward to having him to myself for days and days in a row.
]]>Just now I thought, OMG it's 4+ days together like all the time. You know how modern life is. We do the sleepover thing, but I still go a few days without seeing him. Even weekends we have breaks. Wow, I'm totally looking forward to having him to myself for days and days in a row.
Well, almost. We're staying with his friends. Which leads to, Geez, I hope they like me, right? But hey, first trip, and it's not meeting parents at the same time. So one degree less stressful, I suppose. Unless they hate me, of course. (Kidding.) (Kinda.)
Thankfully, we already have one thing in common: They will be boardgaming!
So all in all I'm just really looking forward to getting out of my city and into a new city with my boyfriend. I'm looking forward to seeing new things, meeting new friends, and much yummy food and drink, and much relaxing fun.
Certainly, we got through the planning stages OK. Still...
What was your first trip with your significant other like? Any interesting surprises?
~
Bloggy goodness:
Jen from The Fabled Needle blogs a beautiful post, Fall for the Trees. A trip to the Redwoods inspires memories of her first trip with her boyfriend and much artmaking.
Tara from Feels Like Home lists traveling together as one of her answers to What I Love About Being Married. Which she loves so much that this post is a repost from last year!
Kayda Norman from Love Buzz on YourTango blogs Traveling Together: Road Trip Dos and Don'ts. MBF and I are flying, but I'd just like to point out that this post suggests, "Do compromise on the music selection." I'M JUST SAYIN' TO ANYONE WHO MIGHT HAPPEN TO BE READING. There's some great road-trip tips in this post.
Great interview from NomadicMatt who interviews Dawn and Sean, the couple from WanderingWhy about Traveling as a Couple: An Interview with Wandering Why. Their trips are a bit more intense than a long weekend trip to Portland.
]]>That's something I remember from the 10-year; that I really cared about how I looked. I wanted people to think I looked good. I worked out so I would look good. I wanted to be thin and attractive.
And OK, it's not that I don't on some level still want to be thin and attractive. It's more that my conception of what that means has shifted. To like: healthy and presentable.
]]>That's something I remember from the 10-year; that I really cared about how I looked. I wanted people to think I looked good. I worked out so I would look good. I wanted to be thin and attractive.
And OK, it's not that I don't on some level still want to be thin and attractive. It's more that my conception of what that means has shifted. To like: healthy and presentable.
It's kind of crazy, because it's my 20-year reunion, and what do I have to show? No powerful career - yet. No husband/kids. No house. No money. I suddenly thought that maybe I'm supposed to feel inadequate. Embarrassed?
The truth is, I'm just so damn pleased with where I am right now. Not as pleased as if I was a working director, but comfortable. Healthy and presentable at least.
But it was just back in November 2008 that I blogged, I feel pretty? I was definitely not feeling comfortable when I wrote that as I kinda reentered the dating world. (I'd been single since way early in the year, but only started really dating again in the fall.) Part of what happened was a blogging phenomenon where you blog it and then you let it go. I think that post was the beginning of a transition.
Surely by January when I met MBF, who's 9 years younger than me, it took a fair amount of confidence, gray hair and all. So while I gain strength from my relationship with him, I believe I was there before it. That in fact, getting there got me there, if that makes any sense at all.
I'm not sure what the turning point was. Growing out my natural hair was a process that gave me some personal strength. Dating in a big city, while fraught with great bad date stories, certainly finds you in a pond with plenty of fish. And, I don't know, I get a lot of confidence from the work I do, and the (excruciatingly slow) progress I've made towards my goals.
But honestly, maybe it's simpler than that. I kinda just let it go. I kinda just like myself. And feel like I don't really have time for people who would dismiss me because my hair is gray or because I'm 37 or because I'm a size 10 (for heaven's sake).
And I really like how I spend my time and energy. That's what I remember most about the months before my 10-year reunion. How much mental energy went towards how I looked.
Turns out, I've got much better things to spend my energy on.
~
Linky Goodness:
From Whiskymarie: Pomp, circumstance, and the Buffalo House Bar & Grill. I love this post. Dude, her reunion costs $25 and her first comment starts, "JESUS, WOMAN. SHUT. UP! (said with adoring love). NOW HEAR THIS...NOW HEAR THIS, WHISKEYMARIE... 38 IS NOT, I REPEAT, NOT OLD." Commenter John: I think I love you. And OMG, I totally need to dig out my silly senior picture.
From prgreen33 at Peanut Butter Jelly Time: Ten Year Class Reunion = Diet Time. What is it about the 10-year?
Don't miss this great post from Zandria on BlogHer: Body Image, How I Look in Clothes, and an Attempt to Get Over It.
]]>But I had to look at her and say no. It's not that it's "Easy." It's something more like... "Real."
]]>But I had to look at her and say no. It's not that it's "Easy." It's something more like... "Real."
And I wanted to share that with you. That my current relationship feels all these wonderful ways... But it's not "perfect" and it's not "easy." Because I think that if you're single for a long while and/or in relationships that are more "wrong" than "right," you really can forget what a "real" relationship is like. And so maybe you're waiting for "perfect" and "easy," when what you really want is "real."
OK, I can tell this is going to be one of those disjointed posts because I'm just kinda figuring this out myself. Here's kind of an example.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months now, and a few weeks ago we had a fight. Which was horrible and terrifying. But also, kind of wonderful in a totally bizarre way. Because I haven't had a fight with a boyfriend in I don't even remember how long. Seriously, I don't remember.
I've had sudden break-ups with no warning occasionally at strangely inopportune times. But an actual situation where you get upset and then you say you're sorry and then you talk about it and figure out how to hopefully fix it for next time? Who does that?
Oh, most everyone, you say? Oh, wait, that's like a *relationship*, you say?
Where, although no one can guarantee what the future holds, I don't have to feel like if there's a bump, or if I'm not perfect myself, then there's a breakup. Wow.
You know, I've had some dysfunctional relationships that were plenty "easy" in their own way. No expectations can lead to very little stress, and then at some point someone inevitably has an expectation or two, and you break up. That's a kind of easy I'm done with.
I guess what I'm saying is, it's not like I got into this relationship and everything is buttery bliss. It's not like all my fears are gone and we never miscommunicate and everything is a breeze. But we're communicating and we're having fun and we're learning about each other, warts and all.
Now, you may have fights in all your relationships! My particular example may not speak to you. But I wonder if you think about what makes a relationship "easy" vs. what a "real relationship" means to you and how it feels to you, if there might not be something there of interest.
You know, they say that relationships take work. It's good work. It feels real.
What does a "real" relationship mean to you?
~
Here's some linky goodness about figuring out relationships:
From Mia on Whisky Remorse: Love / A Real Relationship.
From Alaina L. Lewis on Clutch: Signs He May Not Be Ready For A Real Relationship.
From Hola, Isabel!: In which I made a vow to never have a long-distance-relationship again.
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>BlogHer Scarlettequille asks: Is there a secret mission to eradicate all body hair? Ah Yes, it's that terrifying moment of singlehood where you begin to suspect that all other single woman are ripping it off:
]]>BlogHer Scarlettequille asks: Is there a secret mission to eradicate all body hair? Ah Yes, it's that terrifying moment of singlehood where you begin to suspect that all other single woman are ripping it off:
five years ago I had the daunting task of trying to enter the dating game after a divorce. I was already at a dating disadvantage: a 26 year old single mother to three kids under 5 years old. If and when I ever got a date, I didn’t want to blow it because of my naivite to the modern dating process. I decided to thoroughly research all modern grooming techniques, surely there were new miracles out there. I had just been too depressed to know about them. I was feeling especially accomplished after discovering miracle bras, spanx, and mystic tans.
The new found confidence was short lived. In fact it evaporated the day my sister decided to enlighten me.
Which kinda brings us to Carrie Seim's question: Should women sacrifice themselves to find true love? Although she's talking about more than pubic hair:
When I first crept onto a stage in college to perform in a comedy show, I discovered a feeling of elation that has yet to meet its match.
I kept thinking - people actually paid money to come see me have the time of my life? But after the show, a guy I was dating could only manage to mumble, "Why would you want to do that? Don't you feel embarrassed making jokes about your personal life in front of strangers?"
As much as I adored him, I knew we weren't meant to be.
I think if you have a passion in life, there's a really good chance you're going to bump up on this question in your dating life. You're going to date people who don't fit because they don't get your dream. And then you have a decision to make.
Of course, then maybe you meet someone who does get you. And maybe you get a good story out it, because as heartseverywhere reminds us, people are going to ask: Where did you meet? She's got a great one:
My almost 3-year old son was invited to his first Manhattan birthday
party. I stress the Manhattan aspect because children’s birthday
parties here are unlike any normal place on earth. Nonetheless, he was
invited to the upper west side apartment - and we went.
I got to the apartment and was the only one who came without a spouse; this was not the norm – but this was an intimate gathering. I was about a decade younger than anyone there. I made small talk with the ‘adults’ but felt vastly out of place. I played on the floor with the kids.
Chatter started of the impending arrival of Looney Lenny
Oh yeah, it gets even better.
Finally, I'll end with a great little rant from imakeperfection who asks: Dear PoopyPants, Can you please stop IM-ing me?
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>And particularly if one had children. Because I knew that people stayed in marriages "for the children," and I thought that made no sense at all. Better to be an example by standing up for how people should treat each other. Better to dissolve the marriage rather than risk teaching a child to cheat or be cheated on.
Then, the first two ripples came to my thinking.
]]>And particularly if one had children. Because I knew that people stayed in marriages "for the children," and I thought that made no sense at all. Better to be an example by standing up for how people should treat each other. Better to dissolve the marriage rather than risk teaching a child to cheat or be cheated on.
Then, the first two ripples came to my thinking.
First, my friends started getting married, and I learned that one of the questions in a friend's Catholic pre-marital counseling was, "Could you forgive your spouse if they cheated on you." And the "correct" answer was "yes." So much so, that the priest wouldn't pass them until she said it, and she was really, really upset about it. My friends and I all agreed it was BS.
Second, a friend of mine cheated on their significant other, and for the first time I was faced with having to forgive infidelity. When I choose my love for them over walking away from the friendship, I knew I had moved from simple black and white, to gray.
But infidelity hadn't happened to *me*. Yet.
When it did, I was completely devastated and spun. I've never felt such pain, and it changed who I am forever. I'd already broken up with the guy, so forgiveness was never actually an issue.
But a few months into what would be a very dark period of my life, I saw the film "Spanglish." And though I wasn't there yet, it was the first time I began to glimpse, in John's love for Deborah, how there could a love and a commitment that might be open to forgiving infidelity.
Life moved on. I dated and healed.
My next leap was also from a movie (spoiler alert). "Sex and the City" has a number of amazing things about it, storywise, but one scene that blew me away was the therapy scene between Miranda and Steve. Specifically, he talks about how she also betrayed his trust when she was able to immediately break from him (upon finding out that he cheated on her) and completely walk away from their marriage. He asks how he can know that she won't do that again if the going gets tough.
I'd never seen it from that side. I couldn't stop thinking about it.
And then, when another person I care about shared a past infidelity with me, and thinking about (and talking to) my older friend and considering who both of these people are in their hearts and how they live their lives, suddenly something changed. I could see how in a long-term committed relationship, in the grand scheme of your intertwined lives, the answer to "Could you forgive your spouse if they cheated on you" could be "yes." I could see that good people sometimes make horrible mistakes. And I could see a me who could forgive infidelity in my spouse if they were willing to honestly recommit to me and our relationship.
Younger me saw only the catch-22 in that question. For if you say "yes," are you not giving your partner permission to be unfaithful? That was my perception. That the answer and your truth *had* to be "no." That your partner had to know that if they cheated on you, you would leave. No ifs, ands, or buts.
But isn't that an awful way to come at it? Isn't that actually saying that going in you don't trust that this person loves you?
Because what we're talking about here from beginning to end is trust. And if you go into a relationship trusting that your partner truly loves, values, and respects you, and trusting that you deserve that love, value, and respect, then I think the answer to whether you can forgive infidelity is "yes." Because we are human, and we sometimes make horrible mistakes. Surely love and commitment can ultimately forgive if love and commitment are still there to had?
Of course, I can't really know. And I certainly hope to never to put this theory to test. But that's where I am in my head now. Trusting that someone can truly love me, and that I can truly love.
~
Linky Goodness on Love, Friendship, and Infidelity:
The book that changed my life from Cat on Beyond Books.
Tests from C-Belle on Insomnia
forgiving infidelity from celiatot on fixing a broken heart
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>That first dinner check, though, is the easy part. It only gets harder from there.
]]>That first dinner check, though, is the easy part. It only gets harder from there.
Partners may have different philosophies about spending and saving. Different financial backgrounds and habits. Having been single for years now, the thought of combining finances and compromising on money issues pretty much makes my head spin.
So let's start with dinner. Recently J.D. from Get Rich Slowly had a great post about A Frugal Dinner with Friends:
I love good food and good conversation, but the truth is I’d rather have a great talk with friends over ramen noodles than have a gourmet meal filled with awkward silences. Fortunately, we had both good food and good companions last night — and it didn’t cost a fortune.
The dinner conversation turns to all the different habits various people and families have around food preparation and eating out. How much we spend on food and what we prioritize. Fascinating.
Speaking of frugality, Philip Brewer from Wise Bread posits that It takes a frugal spouse to make a frugal home:
Something of an exaggeration, of course--a one-person household can be very frugal. But there's an underlying truth: A household is only as frugal as its least-frugal member.
What do you think? This post by Neal Frankle on Generation X Finance is almost a counter, or at least a glimmer of hope for mismatched couples: 3 ½ Steps You Can Take To Eliminate Money Fights With Your Love Bunny:
Sue and Chris provide a wonderful example. This is a hard-working couple in their mid 30’s who could not stop fighting about money. Sue was a big risk taker - she loved to take flyers on speculative stocks. Chris, on the other hand was terrified of any investment that wasn’t FDIC insured. The dispute threatened their marriage. What steps could they take to bridge this gulf ? What can you do if you find yourself in a similar situation?
Although this post focuses on investing, I thought the basic concepts could be applied to spending as well.
But what about before you walk down the aisle? I just love this post from Erin Burt on Kiplinger.com: Ten Questions to Ask Before Saying 'I Do':
More important than the cake, flowers or even the invitations is preparing for your financial future together. Make a date to sit down, discuss your goals and expectations and come up with a plan for an effective merger of your financial lives. It may not sound romantic, but considering that quarreling over money is one of the biggest causes of marital discord, a money talk may be just what Cupid ordered.
Print that blog post out and make a date, seriously.
That's marriage, but what about divorce? Jennifer Touchette from Personal Finance Advice writes Divorce and Finances: Lessons of Being A Financial Single:
When I got divorced years ago, it was a shock to me how it took almost a year to feel financially stable again. I thought I was someone who was prepared for the realities of being a financial single, but the sheer cost of the changes took me by surprise and used up money I didn’t have.
Finally, I have been positively gripped by a series by Alex on Queercents called My Financial Implosion (page all the way down on that link to start at the beginning). The first installment is The Backstory.
As the media announces more and more bad economic news about the recession, the sinking real estate market and rising unemployment, I find myself growing anxious. As I read the stories of middle-class families losing their jobs, their savings and finally their homes, I can almost hear their cries of anguish. Their pain is real to me in a way that it might not be real to most people.
I have been there. I know firsthand what it is like to lose everything.
It's a great series, so definitely check it out. You won't be able to resist reading the whole thing!
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>Don't get me wrong, I've not magically morphed into one of those people who just *loves* beginnings. Oh no. They suck. I'm way too fearful and totally waiting for the other shoe to fall and just all kinds of paranoid. While at the same time desperately trying to relax and trust and just allow myself to be happy. To trust that it's OK to relax and let myself be happy. Oh yeah, I'm quite the catch. If you like mildly neurotic crazy people.
But seriously, give me the fourth month of year two over the 42nd day any day. Relationships? Get better with age. The good ones, anyway.
But OK, whispering now... I'm really happy, and I'm starting to relax.
Which scares the crap out of me, so let's read some other people's stuff, shall we?
From the Mixed Up Files of Happy Fun Pants...
(note: this blog is not about pants)
comes Back that thang up...I know, you thought that I was done with the posts about online dating sites, right?
WRONG.
See, the new guy and I are having a great time...but I also know that he is not ready to make any sort of promises to me that this will be a relationship for the next year.
So she's got a plan to keep her online dating account active (and a pic of a random guy with odd taste in pictures of himself), but five days later... Don't read this post if you don't want to know about my sex life and the truth comes out:
I've downplayed the whole G thing for various reasons. But since it's kind of time to be true to myself, I can tell you that I have a lot of strong feelings for him. I wrote a little while ago that he gets that it's the little things that matter and he does a ton of little things for me daily. He calls me the endearments that I've "awww'd" over. He texts me throughout the day to let me know that he's thinking of me. He calls me every night to wish me a good night. He likes my dog. He supports me during times when I'm unsure of myself. He builds me up. He is a fantastic father. He's a patient man. He doesn't think I'm needy. He doesn't care that I can be clingy. He lets me pick the music. He pushes me to think of things in a different way. He's a really smart guy that I can have conversations about things on mulitple levels. He pushes back when I'm being stubborn and calls me out on the things that I need to be called out on. And he teases. He teases me about a billion and a half things - and I'm learning not to be so sensitive because I know that behind the teasing is a lot of caring. I care about him quite a bit. Much more than I let on.
Ah, new relationships. When you're so cool... and so not cool. See: Scary stuff! (On a totally unrelated to this topic note, I also really enjoyed happyfunpants' funny post Ten REALLY good reasons to have babies...)
Here's a quickie: Postcards from Yo Momma shares Advice for Long-Distance Relationships. Mom's just sayin'!
Heidi from ThadenPierce got a proposal after six days... and married him nine years ago: I said, “Yes.”
QTMomma wonders about The Leagues of Dating (as in people being "in and out of each other's leagues").
And my fav of the week (and not just because of the crazy awesome blog design): Dr. Honey offers rules for Maintaining a Healthy Relationship.
In a new relationship? Written about it? I'd love for you to link it on up in the comments!
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>BlogHer queenofquirky calls him The house guest:
]]>BlogHer queenofquirky calls him The house guest:
So I knew it would happen. It was inevitable. It is one of the rights of passage of a divorce that goes right along with moving out, signing icky legal documents, sleeping in your bed alone etc….
The first spider.
Post-divorce, queenofquirky is bringing the funny! But not everyone has that in them at any given time. BlogHer Laracolvin wrote The Post-Divorce Post, which I found rather moving. It's about when you're hurting and the words don't come to help you:
I don’t know where to start. Writing this is like trying to use a garden edger after it was left out in the rain. My page -my fingers - rusty with corrosion. The last couple of months I’ve ricocheted between despondency and sadness and liberation and resuscitation, never settling on one for too long. And I couldn’t blog about it. The one time I needed words to minister to my emotional ailments most, they wouldn’t come.
And ultimately, I think, her post is very inspiring because at the end it's about her new beginning.
I also really enjoyed 5 Things Single Women Hate To Hear from YourTango and The Secret to Being a Happy Dater: Act Like the Grown-up That You Are by bobbipals and in her post One is the Loveliest Number, carrie_agirlinthelife declares:
If Three Dog Night had taken the time to think about all the fabulous things that come with being just 1 they may have been singing a happier tune.
Amen! Sing it, sister!
Finally, I'd like to end with two great story posts I found this month, one beautiful and romantic... one not so beautiful and romantic. BlogHer wraith shares a Snapshot: 15 And In Love:
Summer school is an unintentional punishment that single parents are sometimes forced to inflict on their young. In July of 1964, I was bundled off to my uncle who was stationed in Spain. It was in this exotic locale that I attended classes and it was here that I fell in love........
BlogHer nannygoats pleads Love Thyself. Just Not in Front of Me:
I'd say it's been at least twenty years since I caught someone ruining his eyesight (aka masturbating). I can only assume that the internet has something to do it. At least for that exhibitionist guy one night in 1988 who turned the flashlight on himself in his car as he drove next to me on the I-80 freeway. I mean, why risk your life on the road, when you can visit Rosy Palms and her five sisters on a webcam for all the world to see? It's hands-free, but it's not. How Zen.
And then she decides to go to a nude beach...
Told a good story or done any singles blogging this month? Feel free to get linky in the comments!
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
]]>But while I'm no longer dreaming about the rock, I'm still a major romantic, and I still very much believe in marriage and lifelong partnership. So a good proposal story definitely gets me as much as the next peep, with or without a ring or rings involved. And Wow, have I got some great posts for you.
]]>But while I'm no longer dreaming about the rock, I'm still a major romantic, and I still very much believe in marriage and lifelong partnership. So a good proposal story definitely gets me as much as the next peep, with or without a ring or rings involved. And Wow, have I got some great posts for you.
There was a doozy on Pioneer Woman this month: What Just Happened? And Who the Heck are Drew and Randall?
Weeks ago, a young man named Drew emailed me with his plans to propose to his sweet girlfriend Randall. He was articulate and kind, and had cooked up a devious scheme that would involve my somehow facilitating the proposal on my site.
How could I say no? I wrote back and said “I’ll do it”…then we exchanged a few details and waited for last Friday to arrive.
Here's the original proposal post, which morphs from a post about photography into a marriage proposal. What's really sad is that I skimmed the top of that post and never got to the proposal! Oops.
Offbeat Bride also recently had an awesome pair of posts about proposing: Proposing Part 1: Why you should propose to your boyfriend and Proposing Part 2: How to propose to your boyfriend.
One of the things I learned from my reader survey was how many of you identified yourselves as "ladies in waiting," i.e. women biding their time until their boyfriends propose. Well, girls: STOP WAITING! If you're into questioning traditions, start by questioning the very first assumption about weddings: that a woman's role is waiting for a man to pick her.
I know: it's scary right? You're thinking, "What if he says no?" Well, no one said taking your life by the reigns would be easy, and the anxieties and fears of rejection that come up around proposing give you great insight into some of the cultural pressures men traditionally experience.
I love these posts because seriously, there is nothing lamer than feeling like you're waiting for him to propose. Why are you doing that? If you're ready but he's dragging his feet, throw the question on the table! Get your answer and move on one way or another.
And to cap this, I've got a wonderful list of links to proposal stories to share with you. Some of these have been linked before on BlogHer, but they're all too good not to share here.
How I Asked Him To Marry Me by Sandra Stephens - A wonderful tale of a movie theater proposal and an oblivious man who doesn't know his candy.
For Better or Worse, In Sickness and in Health and No Matter What Uncle Sam Does by Andi - A roundup of military proposal stories.
On Choosing and Being Chosen by Miss Britt - When you don't get the fantasy, but you do get the true love.
Mom, I really need to talk to you... call me back by Denise - "Either she's pregnant or she's getting married..."
Seth’s first marriage proposal by MotherOfBun - Ah, preschool. Adorable.
How Al proposed to me in Ta Prom, Cambodia by Lisa Lam - A truly gorgeous proposal post complete with pics.
Hope: 1 Experience: 0 by Kristy - Because she rocks.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a little something in my eye I need to go take care of...
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
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