Colormepink's blog

Life's Just Too Short

2009-04-02T11:26:00-05:00

When I was twenty-two, my brilliant, sixteen year old brother decided that this world was just too much for him to bear. What was it that prompted him to end his life on that particular day, I'll never know. Oh, I can surely imagine, but what it was that finally broke him? That will always remain a mystery.

In the months that followed his death, of a great comfort to us were a handful of his friends. It was the late 80s and his friends were of the "dare to be different" sort. They were bright, creative, beautiful kids and we relied far too much on them in our grief. They bore it well, but little by little, they ventured out into a world of their own making and one by one, we lost touch with them. Occasionally, I would hear news of one or another and I would send up a silent prayer that they were all happy, and that our tragedy hadn't colored their entire lives and I would go on with my own.

About six months ago, I got an email from one who was particularly close to us. It came through Facebook and it said; "I don't know if you're the right person, but did you have a brother named Justin?" There was some other identifying information in the email, but I didn't need it. I recognized his name right away and clicked through to his profile which showed a photograph of a man, (a man!), who was clearly the grown up version of my brother's child-hood friend. We had some fun catching up, but didn't really speak much of Justin, until he posted a photograph of the two of them together and people whose names I surely recognized started to post comments about how they'd never forgotten Justin and how he had shaped a lot of their lives. I visited the page with all the comments a time or ten, before deciding to post my own comment about how nice it was to see that people remembered my brother fondly. After so many years, it's easy to imagine that you remember in solitude and clearly that was not the case here. I reconnected with a couple of the other "kids" and was happy to see that they'd grown into these terrific, smart people. It was nice to find commonality with some of them beyond the sharing of a loss more than two decades later. It was comforting somehow to see the families; their husbands and wives, their children, their careers, their interests, where they were in the world, but it was not without sadness, of thinking what Justin might have brought to this world. It was definitely bittersweet, but the sweetness was worth it.

This week, the boy who contacted me passed away. It was sudden and tragic and my heart is broken again. I didn't realize just how much I cared for him, just how much he meant to me. I'm so grateful to have had the time to reconnect with him again and can only hope that somewhere he's catching up with his old friend. My heart breaks for his mother, his sisters, his wife, his daughter. I know how hard it is to lose someone so close and I can't help but remember the beginning of my journey with grief. I keep coming back though, to his friends. His friends who have been down this road before, they know tragedy, they lost one of their own all those years ago and now are enduring it again. I want to hug them all and tell them they'll get through it. But they don't need me for that, unfortunately they have already lived it once and now are enduring it again. Still, too young.

I have realized, yet again, how short life can be, how perilous our existence really is and how important it is to keep the bullshit at bay. I can't seem to get Cat Stevens out of my head....

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
You're only dancing on this earth for a short while
And though your dreams may toss and turn you now
They will vanish away like your daddy's best jeans
Denim Blue fading up to the sky
And though you want them to last forever
You know they never will
You know they never will
And the patches make the goodbye harder still

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
There'll never be a better chance to change your mind
And if you want this world to see a better day
Will you carry the words of love with you
Will you ride the great white bird into heaven
And though you want to last forever
You know you never will
You know you never will
And the goodbye makes the journey harder still

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
You're only dancing on this earth for a short while
Oh very young
What will you leave us this time

Christine blogs about her life at ColorMePink! and about her designs at StarBright Jewels

Paring Down, Purging and Seemingly... Enjoying It?

2009-03-13T18:29:45-05:00

No one that I know is unaffected by the current economic climate.
Even people who still have good jobs and are maintaining a decent
income are cutting back, tightening their belts, or tightening their
purse strings, and any number of other cliches that are cliches for
good reason. It's an interesting sort of time we're in and although
it's sometimes uncomfortable, I am finding that there are some really
good lessons to be learned.

As things get a little bit tighter and a little bit more precarious,
I look around and see a plethora of things that I purchased without
thought, that I over-spent on, that don't really fit my life, and
that I don't really love and I have decided to get rid of them. As I
thought about it and decided that this was, in fact, a positive action,
I ~~forced~~ convinced my husband that he should do the same thing. My ~~threats~~
well thought out and convincing arguments helped him to see what a good
idea this was and we got to the task of taking inventory of our
belongings. Turns out, we're not the discerning consumers that we
thought we were, and there are lots of things in my house that just
don't serve us.

Continue reading at: ColorMePink!

Oh Great! I Think My Dog Has PMS.

2009-01-26T11:14:37-06:00

Cross Posted at ColorMePink!

If you've been visiting me for any length of time, you know that in
September we adopted a beautiful Irish Wolfhound puppy. She was
rescued from a puppy mill and at the time of rescue was severely
malnourished. The rescuer and her vet of choice both recommended not
spaying Fiona until she was 12 months old because of the malnourishment
and because she's what they refer to as a "giant breed". They surmised
that we probably wouldn't have a problem because she might not have a
heat until after her first year due to being so malnourished. (Our vet
didn't agree, but I didn't want to chance it) She turns one in March
and tomorrow we were going to go buy a voucher from the Humane Society
to help alleviate some of the cost and make an appointment for her. A
day late and a dollar short, I'm afraid.

On Saturday morning, she snapped a little bit at Riley (our other,
neutered, dog), which was so out of character for her, that it gave me
pause. Granted, he had his nose inside of her ear and I might have
snapped at someone for that as well, so I warned the kids to give her a
bit more of a berth and we all went about our business. She seemed
lethargic for the rest of the day and even when allowed to run off
leash around the yard, something that she loves to do ordinarily, she
just wasn't that interested.

Yesterday I was walking up the stairs which are polished wood and
show every speck of dust and dirt and noticed that there were little
pink dots on the steps. Obviously they were liquid and as I went to
get a tissue, it dawned on me just exactly what they were. After my
initial panic and screaming, which will certainly result in therapy for
my children regarding women, cycles, menstruation and biology in
general, I calmed down and figured I should probably just deal with it
as panic never solved anything. It feels good sometimes, but doesn't
help. I found a pair of bicycle type shorts that my daughter has
outgrown and was going to good will and a maxi pad and created a
makeshift garment that would at least protect my rugs. The dog was so
horrified by her new outfit that I couldn't even bring myself to take a
picture of the poor creature. The look in her eye caused me to suggest
that Jim and I take over her care completely from the children as I
figured if she bit someone, it should be an adult. She was afraid to
sit, afraid to stand, afraid to walk and really miserable.

I sat around lamenting my situation when it occurred to me that
there are probably products for this sort of thing. I called Petco and
they assured me that there were doggy diapers that would take care of
this situation and that they were only $20 a pack. At that point I
probably would have paid $150 a pack, so I was quite happy with the
price. Jim ran out to pick them up (what a relaxing day off for him,
right? Not.) and when he brought them home and took one out of the
package, I realized that we had just paid $20 for a $6 package of
diapers with a hole cut out of the back to accommodate the tail. I
didn't really care at that point. I was just glad that someone else
had thought of a solution and I didn't have to. We got the diaper on
her and at least she was able to lie on the rug in front of the glass
door, which is her favorite spot.

We have a plan. She won't be allowed off leash until this fiasco is
over and we're still going to go ahead and buy the voucher and make the
appointment for March. All in all, I think we handled it fairly well.
Disaster had been averted. Fiona's still not happy though and when I
look in her eyes, I recognize that look. It says, "leave me the hell
alone", and I know just how she feels.

anthropomorphic? What's that mean?

Christine blogs about her life at ColorMePink! and about her designs at StarBright Jewels

Appreciation, It Does a Body Good.

2009-01-17T17:30:03-06:00

I have decided that this is the year for transformation. Mind, body and spirit, I'm working on every aspect of my life and myself. That includes my self image. I've come a long way in a lot of ways, but I still have a long way to go.

I've struggled with weight all of my life. I've been every size that you can imagine, very thin and very fat and I'm so sick of thinking about it and talking about it that I've decided, come what may, this is the year that I figure it out. My weight has been my first thought every morning, and my last thought every night for years. I have looked in the mirror and felt shame and regret and disdain for a long time. I don't want to do that to myself anymore. I don't want to do that to my body. After all, what has my body done to deserve that kind of treatment? Nothing. As a matter of fact, this body has done many wonderful things. This is the body that is capable of swimming, strong and far, even though it's overweight. This is the body that sings well enough to have earned a living at it now and again over the years and this is the body that I used to dance, which is something that I loved to do and I really miss it. This shell that I reside in creates delicious, nutritious meals that bring my family together each night, creates the lessons that I use to homeschool my children, creates the jewelry that I design to adorn women and make them feel beautiful. It has walked me up the aisle to marry my husband, brought two very special human beings into this world, nursed them, carried them, nurtured them. This is the body that despite all of the abuse, still presents whole and healthy. And what have I done to show my appreciation? I have belittled it and treated it with disdain and even hated it. I have not treated it with the love and respect that it deserves, that it has earned.

That's over. It's time that I treat my body well and I'm off to a pretty good start this year. Not only am I doing the obvious (get rid of the junk, move more, cut the white stuff out), but more than that - this year I'm treating my body with respect. I'm figuring out when I'm hungry and when I'm eating for emotional reasons. You might be surprised to know that not all of us know this instinctively anymore. It seems I lost my fullness meter, but I'm finding it again. It really does help to stop and ask myself what I'm really hungry for. Most of the time? It's connection. That surprised me. There are a lot of things that are surprising me. I'm really getting to know my body for the first time in a long time and for the very first time, I'm making friends with it and showing it some appreciation. After all, it's the least I can do.

Christine blogs about her life at ColorMePink! and about her designs at StarBright Jewels

End of Year - Goal Planning, Mission Statement

2008-12-27T22:18:04-06:00

I wrote a few weeks ago about the process that I use every December to see how far I've come and light the way for the coming year. I wrote that I would share some of that with you, so here I am again. I do have to start by saying that a lot of this, I got from other sources, predominantly from Franklin Covey. There are forms that you get with certain packages from them and that is where this tradition started for me. I have changed some of it, to suit my purposes, but I must give credit where credit is due - so thank you Ben Franklin and thank you Steven Covey. You could purchase one of the FC starter kits and follow it yourself. Just make sure you get a package that includes the "Starter Pack". If you do that and you'd like to share, please do so in the comments. I'd love for this to be an ongoing conversation.

Join the conversation at ColorMePink!

Christine
It's My World. Welcome To It.
Homeschool: http://web.mac.com/colormepink/
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Jewels: http://www.starbrightjewels.com

Things I'd Really Like...

2008-11-29T00:11:08-06:00

So now we're coming to the part of the year where I reassess who I am, where I am, where I'm going, how I'm going to get there and who I'm willing to run around with on my way. I just started doing "morning pages" again and I'm reading Finding Water, the third book that I've read of Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" series. I get introspective and extroverted all at once, every December. It's a tradition - an odd tradition, but a tradition none the less. And honestly, it works for me. I've never laid this all out so publicly before, but if I'm going to blog my whole life, I might as well blog my whole life.

Finish reading at Colormepink!

It's My World. Welcome To It.
Homeschool: http://web.mac.com/colormepink/
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Jewels: http://www.starbrightjewels.com

The "Give A Girl A Microphone" Initiative

2008-11-22T22:38:58-06:00

I think I’m going to start a new initiative (is that redundant?). I’m
going to call it “Give a Girl a Microphone”, cause I have to tell you,
I have seen a lot of girls find their power when they’re given a mic. I
have a theory that it has something to do with the fact that even
though you know your voice is amplified, you really can’t hear it
because the speakers are facing away from you. It almost gives you a
feeling of anonymity - knowing that you can be heard, but still able to
sort of hide that from yourself.

Finish reading at Colormepink!

It's My World. Welcome To It.
Homeschool: http://web.mac.com/colormepink/
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Jewels: http://www.starbrightjewels.com

Non-Traditional Thanksgiving

2008-11-19T09:44:02-06:00

I'm in a mood this year. I don't know why, but merely the thought
of preparing a holiday meal, or decorating, or putting up the tree
makes me break out in hives. And the thought of gift shopping? Yeah,
I'm not feeling it this year. It's not that I'm depressed or anything,
cause I'm most definitely not - as a matter of fact, I'm feeling pretty
good. I think I just need a break this year. You see, no one in my
house actually likes turkey. We love all the sides, and we make a ton
of them, but we find the smallest turkey in existence every year and
cook that. We've considered just doing a breast, but then we'd have to
get the giblets and such from the butcher and we live in Ocala, FL so
the butcher is basically the guy at the meat counter at Publix. So
yesterday we had a family meeting and everyone threw out ideas about
what their perfect Thanksgiving would look like this year. When all
was said and done, the overwhelming opinion was that we would all
prefer seafood.

I called the three restaurants in town that I
would consider eating out at on Thanksgiving Day and they're all
closed, so we sat back down at the table and decided on a menu for a
Stay at Home, Non-Traditional, Thanksgiving Day Meal.

We've decided on:

small lobster tails, broiled
shrimp (for everyone but me, I'm allergic), boiled
crab legs, steamed
scallops, seared and sauteed

Yum, right? And easy. We also thought that this would be great
with linguine or fettucine in a garlic cream sauce. I can't totally
see this, can't you? A big, steaming bowl of pasta with all this
beautiful seafood and a lovely bottle of wine for the grown ups. Yeah,
I can do this. I think this is a great decision for us this year. And
the hives are gone.

Oh and I'm looking for new ideas for a special garlic cream sauce, so if you've got one, please share it.

Crossposted at: Colormepink!

It's My World. Welcome To It.
Homeschool: http://web.mac.com/colormepink/
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Jewels: http://www.starbrightjewels.com

Confessions of a Middle Aged Dancing Queen, or How Itunes Enriches My Life

2008-11-13T09:46:45-06:00

Remember "Freestyle" music? You know, Alisha's "All Night Passion", Sa-Fire's "Boy I've Been Told", Expose's "Let Me Be the One"? Go ahead, click on the links, dance around a little, I'll wait here.

Ok, now I'll tell you something else - I still listen to this stuff. I used to have hundreds, no really hundreds, of these songs on vinyl, the 12" extended remixes and I played them to death. The music makes me just get up and dance and I'll tell you something else: the couple of years that this stuff was so popular, all I did was dance. It was also, surprise surprise, the skinniest time of my life! But I digress. I loved this music and I still do. Unfortunately there was a time when I had to put all of my things in storage and the facility told me that the units were climate controlled, but they lied. All of those beautiful pieces of vinyl were melted beyond recognition when I hauled them out of storage. I thought these songs were lost to me forever.

Keep reading at: ColorMePink!

Beef. It's What's For Dinner

2008-11-05T21:37:38-06:00

About three weeks ago, Haley, my ten year old, terribly sensitive,
child decided that she was a vegetarian. No meat. No flesh of any
kind. Not even her beloved shrimp cocktail. She's been very
diligent. I explained to her that I didn't mind that she wanted to be
a vegetarian and that I wouldn't interfere, provided that she got
enough protein from other sources and make due with the meals that I
made, supplementing with vegetables or simple things that she could
prepare herself to accompany our family meal. She's been really
inspiring to watch, coming up with great ideas; adding yummy beans to a
rice dish or a salad, exploring and broadening her taste buds with new
fruits and vegetables.

This afternoon, at 4:45, I realized that I had to return the video
games that we rented over the weekend, lest I be charged the dreaded
late fees. I finished what I was doing and yelled to the kids to walk
the dogs quickly and grab the video games. We jumped in the car and
raced into town, returned the video games and it was then that I
realized that I had never roasted the eggplant that I needed for
tonight's planned meal. Worse, I had nothing on hand to make a quick
dinner. I didn't have a stitch of makeup on and looked down,
horrified, to realize that I was wearing my "scrub the bathroom"
outfit. There wasn't any chance that I was going to go to a restaurant
the way that I looked and there was nothing to make at home that would
get dinner on the table before 8:30. I was left with no choice, but
*gasp* fast food. I told the kids that we were going to have to run to
McDonald's, but that Haley could get a salad and it would be fine...
There was silence for a moment and Haley asked in a small voice, "Do
you think it would be ok if I stopped being a vegetarian for one night?"
"Of course, honey, it's totally your decision."

I pulled up to the drive through and placed our order, burgers all
around, pulled up to the first window and paid; then waited at the
second for our food. I passed the bag into the back and proceeded to
pull around to the parking lot behind McDonald's so that we were out of
the way. As I put the car in park, and leaned over to get my burger, I
heard a noise coming from the back - it sounded not unlike a low growl.
"Haley, you ok?", I asked.
No response.
"Haley?"
The force of her answer startled me, she all but yelled, "This is so Freaking Good!"
I think we might have a stops and starts road to vegetarianism over at our house.

Cross posted at: http://colormepink.com

Watch me make every mistake imaginable, and then make some more up!
It's My World. Welcome To It.
Homeschool: http://web.mac.com/colormepink/
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Jewels: http://www.starbrightjewels.com

Got a Minute?

2008-11-04T17:25:48-06:00

I am a very capable woman. If there is a problem, I can solve it. I'm a trouble-shooter, a gadget chick, a geek girl and I know my way around the kitchen as well as the tool shed. I can talk cars and trucks and power tools as well as makeup, fashion and interior design with the best of them. I run three businesses and I homeschool my children. Whew. I tell you all of this so that you understand where I'm coming from. I tell you this so that you understand that I know why people come to me when they're having a problem and usually I don't mind helping them. Wait. That's not true. I used to not mind. Now? I mind.

Little by little all of the things that people ask me to do for them is starting to get under my skin. I've started to not be so available and some people are acting annoyed. Like I'm inconveniencing them. They seem to assume that I will and should always be available for them - and it's making me a little angry. I believe that the folks in question really believe that my time isn't as valuable as theirs because I'm working from my home and can "always get back to" whatever it was I was doing. I feel resentful and I know that I need to step up and have a real conversation with some of these folks, but I hesitate because way deep down inside, in the place that I don't shine light on very often, I believe that I receive love and approval based on what I can do for you. I know that I have a lot to offer, that I bring plenty to the table, but if you really want to know the truth - the truth is I don't feel like I'm enough. Yikes. That's a scary thing to write out loud. I almost just deleted this whole thing...

Maybe this is all coming to a head because things are changing. I'm almost at the end of the cycle for two of the businesses - the time has come to shut one down and another will be servicing only the few clients that I've chosen to keep. I won't be going after new business for either one of them. I've got some new interests that I'm exploring and our family dynamic is changing as the children get older. Maybe the requests are more of an interruption than they used to be. Or maybe the clarity that age seems to be bringing forth lately is just forcing me to look at the things that I've chosen to ignore for so long. The fact is, there are a lot of things that I've condoned, or maybe even encouraged (ouch!), that I no longer find acceptable.

In fleshing this out, I think I may have discovered that it's my outlook that is changing - that maybe I don't feel that pleasing everyone is as important as I once thought. How about you? Is there anything that you aren't willing to put up with anymore? Is this the wisdom that we've heard so much about?

Rescue Pets Rock

2008-10-28T14:44:37-05:00

I was researching what to feed the latest canine addition to our family and I saw a site with some questions from people concerned that a rescue dog won’t bond with the family.
Apparently, this is a pretty persistent myth and it makes me really
sad. Rescue animals can be terrific companions if you take a little bit of time to choose the right one for your family.

Read the entire post at Colormepink!

Christine
It's My World. Welcome To It.
Homeschool: http://web.mac.com/colormepink/
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Jewels: http://www.starbrightjewels.com