The Town Crier's blog http://www.blogher.com/blog/4268/atom/feed 2008-04-03T09:31:30-05:00 Just Relax http://www.blogher.com/just-relax 2008-07-03T08:41:16-05:00 2008-07-03T07:42:05-05:00 The Town Crier Your blood doesn't clot properly thereby making it impossible for the embryos created out of your sub-par eggs (coming out of your prematurely failing ovaries) to remain implanted in the uterus, thereby necessitating conception attempts to move from the bedroom to a sterile doctor's office (and pay thousands monthly for the experience) with a cast of six male doctors staring at your vagina while attempting to manipulate the catheter on any given visit. No one can tell you how long this will take or how much money you will spend or what your body will endure.

]]> Your blood doesn't clot properly thereby making it impossible for the embryos created out of your sub-par eggs (coming out of your prematurely failing ovaries) to remain implanted in the uterus, thereby necessitating conception attempts to move from the bedroom to a sterile doctor's office (and pay thousands monthly for the experience) with a cast of six male doctors staring at your vagina while attempting to manipulate the catheter on any given visit. No one can tell you how long this will take or how much money you will spend or what your body will endure. But, of course, despite all of that, we're going to have to ask you to just relax if you want this to work.

Stress reduction has long been held up as the panacea for a host of ailments including infertility. In last weekend's New York Times magazine, Peggy Orenstein had an article titled "Stress Test" that points out the missing threads in this line of thinking:

It’s not that I think the mind-body connection is a total sham. But even where it would seem most established, say in the relationship between stress and heart disease, the mechanism is unclear. Is stress an independent risk factor or does it merely influence others, raising blood pressure or encouraging over-eating? Either way, popular mythology both simplifies and generalizes the potential harm, applying it to everything that ails us. After all, it feels true: I’m more at peace with my frenetic life after a few rounds of sun salutations. Yet, what does that prove?

I would take it a step further to say that even if the mind-body connection exists and stress levels affect hormone production, pointing out how stress affects the body and asking those in a health crisis to relax through therapy, yoga, and meditation is reductive (and, in turn, raises stress levels when you hit that brick wall). If it were truly a solution, the infertility crisis would be moving towards resolution rather than chaos as technology improves and stress reducing outlets increase.

In the end, it's a prescription that moves in a circuitous route rather than forward towards a solution. It is an empty prescription--one that states the problem without stating a true solution. It is like this: we can say that overeating leads to obesity. And we can point out ways to curb overeating including portion control, drinking a lot of water, and exercising instead of consuming food. But if these solutions were implementable, many more people would do it. No one consciously chooses to be unhealthy. Yet sometimes we truly cannot help our unhealthy tendencies, no matter how much the head battles the heart.

The reality is that we're talking about some major emotional rewiring.

It is too hard to stop overeating simply by having someone tell you to stop overeating. It is too hard to stop overeating simply because you are attending therapy or drinking two liters of water a day or even exercising with a personal trainer while eating with a personal chef. Can we do it for short periods of time--even months or years? Of course. When other factors are aligning themselves in the outside world, we can muster amazing willpower to override our natural tendencies. But we can't sustain this level of self-control indefinitely. We all have a way of moving back towards the way we deal with our stress: overeating, obsessing, consuming mind-altering substances.

Because, what all of these things have in common is the control we are desperately trying to grasp in the face of having a lack of control.

We all have our ways that were either taught or intuited that help us process life. I'm not saying that our methods are healthy. Many times, like stress or overeating, it can be detrimental to our health or push us even farther from the goal. But pointing it out doesn't make the problem disappear.

Worrying, not deep breathing, is the anxious girl's way of dealing with stress. Because what is worrying other than emotional preparation? Running through the what ifs, feeling the intensity of the emotion ahead of time, falling apart and having a long cry--these are the ways we exercise our hearts to deal with the crisis when it actually occurs. How many times does the anxious girl say that she's great in a crisis? Preparation--it's the motto of anxious ladies and girl scouts.

And that, I would say, is a more feasible goal. Someone needs to invent a therapy that doesn't go against the natural tendencies of the worrier but instead embraces them. Oh...wait...it does exist. It's called blogging. And I'd love to see a study where blogging, writing the what ifs out to their limit, sitting in front of the computer and having a good cry, falling apart completely is shown to have the same success rate as those who go against their body and unnaturally force it to relax.

Once they do that study, I'll go back to visualizing my happy space and shoving all of my infertility worries into their alloted daily hour.

Orenstein finishes the article with this thought: "Stress is our burden, our bogyman, and reducing it is the latest all-purpose talisman against adversity’s randomness." In the end, aren't we all simply searching for an answer; an explanation; the secret door that lets us out of here? And can we blame researchers for holding out this idea even if being told that unattainable relaxation will help only brings on more stress?

This week's required reading of ladies sticking it to "just relax":

A Moment's Hesitation: explains why ignoring infertility doesn't work.

You're Going to Do WHAT to My Ovaries: reprints an article about what not to say with her own commentary.

Wracked by Faith: points out why relaxation doesn't solve infertility.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of almost 1400 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009. She is the keeper of the IComLeavWe list (International Comment Leaving Week).

]]> 30Days and Not a Change in Sight http://www.blogher.com/30days-and-not-change-sight 2008-06-26T07:53:20-05:00 2008-06-26T06:53:54-05:00 The Town Crier Two nights ago, I stumbled across a strange bit of television from a link on a blog. Calliope at Creating Motherhood was asking people to watch FX's show 30Days starring Morgan Spurlock and then join her for an online discussion.

]]> Two nights ago, I stumbled across a strange bit of television from a link on a blog. Calliope at Creating Motherhood was asking people to watch FX's show 30Days starring Morgan Spurlock and then join her for an online discussion. The episode sent Kati, a mother against adoption rights for same-sex couples (and, presumably based on her argument, single parents by choice as well) to live for 30 days with Tom and Dennis, a same-sex couple raising 4 children.

In 30 days, despite some excellent evidence showing the contrary, Kati still refused to budge. I sat through an hour of television depicting a lack of change. It was about as interesting as watching an hour-long and ultimately forfeited game of tug-of-war.

It was post-hermeneutical television at its best!

At first you're completely invested in the process but by the time the final few minutes rolled onto the screen and Kati was still sitting at the kitchen table, reminding them for the 400th time that she really doesn't think they should be parents, you start to really reach to figure out the point of the show.

Television is neat and predictable. This is why it's relaxing--you can zone out, knowing exactly when to tune back in if you want to know the big conclusion. But this was television without the big conclusion. This was television where everything was slapped on the screen and nothing was resolved and you walked away saying, "what was the point of that?" Just like real life. Reality television has finally gotten real.

Except that I can be frustrated by closed-minded people in my real life--why would I want to watch one on a screen for an hour?

Truthfully, it was one of the most bizarre and pointless things I've witnessed on television--an hour of following around a stubborn, close-minded person who refused to hear anyone other than herself and repeated the same thoughts ad nauseum. I'm actually keeping the tape I made of the episode and I've decided to show it to my kids when they're older to explain why some behaviours make people not want to be your friend. Which is what I meant about reaching to discover the point of the show. Kati is sort of the perfect example of what not to do if you want to be able to get along with people. She is an afterschool special lesson in the flesh.

Calliope from Creating Motherhood spoke for many when she described the show as an incredible disappointment. Tom and Dennis, a caring set of parents, open their home where they're raising four great kids; children raised by same-sex parents explain that "happy homes breed good children. Unhappy homes don't"; and adults who aged out of the foster care system pointed out that the current system with gay and lesbian adoption already has a glut of children without homes. None of this evidence made a dent in her point of view.

Calliope writes: "How sad and devastating that a program about change and awareness completely missed the mark. Actually, I won’t put it all on the program, but I do think it was really unfortunate that the woman selected to participate was so unyielding and rigid in her beliefs."

Kymberli at I'm a Smart One points out the flaw in close-minded arguments: "It is appalling that certain rights, particularly the rights to wed and parent, are denied on the basis of love. Love is all you need, and if it's there, does who one chooses to love matter?"

Beyond the fact that the show didn't seem to have a point and the main character infuriated the audience, at the heart was another problem--the lack of direction took steps into pure offensiveness. In Dan Savage's column on The Stranger's blog, he highlighted the fact that FX chose to include as one of their experts a spokesperson from the Family Research Council, a Christian right think tank that is vehemently against same-sex adoption (amongst many many other things). The words of this expert was presented as fact without pointing out the FRC's unscientific methods for conducting their research.

Savage writes:

Sprigg’s comments come early in the program and linger like mustard gas over every scene that comes after. A casual viewer may watch Tom and Dennis with their kids and think, “Okay, these guys are decent parents, and maybe their boys are going to be fine… but other kids adopted by other gays might not be so lucky. Other kids might wind up adopted by those gays that abuse kids, and rape them, and worse.”

What was the point? Including the quote from the Family Research Council as an "expert opinion" is sort of like doing a show where a neo-nazi has to live with Jews for 30 days and Goebbels's corpse is resurrected to give some facts and suggestions. Which goes back to the point that FX seemed to vomit this episode onto the screen without guidance or view point or...well...point. What was the point in bringing in quotations from the Family Research Council?

Oh...and I'm not even going to touch on how I felt about Morgan Spurlock's coverage of donor insemination because that would take a whole extra post...

A public and extremely heartfelt thank you to Tom and Dennis, the couple who opened their home to Kati.

Just in case Kati is reconsidering her beliefs after the airing of the episode and needs some good blogs to check out, she could peruse some of my favourites:

Cheese and Whine: Life in Maine with her wife, S, and a whole lot of IVF needles.

Hydrangeas are Pretty: Shelli and Narda raising Malka after domestic adoption.

Bulgy the Blog: David and Wendell's adoption story.

Addition Problems: Jen and Cait are raising a toddler and pregnant again.

Thinking Miracles: Recurrent loss as Heidi tries to build her family.

LizaWasHere: An "unexpectedly southern thirtysomething bibliophile lesbian mommy blogger" (whose expecting again!)

Vee and Jay: Trying to fill that "baby-sized hole" through IVF.

Soulbliss: An incredible woman raising her son and trying to conceive again--all as a single mother by choice.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> Gloucester Pregnancy Pact http://www.blogher.com/gloucester-pregnancy-pact 2008-06-24T09:34:10-05:00 2008-06-24T09:49:22-05:00 The Town Crier When news first broke of the Gloucester pregnancy pact (which is now not a pregnancy pact or perhaps it is a pact, but that's not important), as an infertile woman, I thought my first reaction would be "why them and not me." Teen pregnancy contains the photographic negative equivalent of emotions to infertility:

]]> When news first broke of the Gloucester pregnancy pact (which is now not a pregnancy pact or perhaps it is a pact, but that's not important), as an infertile woman, I thought my first reaction would be "why them and not me." Teen pregnancy contains the photographic negative equivalent of emotions to infertility:

both groups need to mourn how their lives changed--one with additional weight, one with an absence. Both groups experience curiosity and pity from society at large. Both spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about the person stuck in the center--the actual baby vs. the not-yet baby.

Except here is where the problem lies--these girls wanted to be pregnant. They worked to get pregnant and they gave each other high-fives when the tests came back positive.

Which is why my reaction to the news story in Time was one of sympathy. If adults who have years of imagining themselves as parents have difficulty with the transition, I am not sure how these girls will fare when they face their own squalling infant. In turn, my sympathy also goes out to the children born to these girls.

I don't blame them for not knowing about weeks six through eight where every child cries--regardless of whether they have colic--in the evening. I don't blame them for not understanding how it feels to get only three hours of sleep a night for months at a time. Again, adults know about these things and we are still shocked by the logistics of parenthood (not to mention the emotions of parenthood). It is one thing to nod and say, "sleep deprivation is hard." It is quite another to be in the middle of it.

Much has been said this week about the Jamie Lynn Spears of this world and how they are having an impact on teenage pregnancy. But there were pregnant teens prior to the movie, Juno, and I'm not sure the celebrities of today are more alluring than every other pregnant teen who came before them. I don't think there is one single reason for the pregnancy pact, but rather, alluvium from multiple sources collecting on the teen shores.

One of those sources is the same one that leaves even adults breathlessly unprepared for parenthood. We don't do a good job explaining to each other that it's just so damn hard. So I'll tell you this if you're not pregnant yet. It is going to be so damn hard. Which is not to say that the enjoyable parts don't outweigh the difficult parts and I would do it (and I am trying to do it!) again in a heartbeat. But it never gets easier. The difficulties merely change.

Part of the Mommy Wars is this one-up-man-ship where we hide how difficult parenting is from each other--especially those who aren't close to us that are being used as venting posts. How many times do you see a picture of a celebrity holding her head, a pounding headache from lack of sleep coupled with four hours of holding a screaming infant who has apparently not read Harvey Karp's latest parenting techniques book? Or how about a picture of Angelina Jolie sitting on the basement steps trying to collect herself emotionally for five minutes while Shiloh screams in her crib? Or how about a tear-stained Kate Hudson trying to parent Ryder in the middle of a tantrum? We see the hands resting on the baby bumps and the well-rested mommies cuddling sleeping infants and the hip women with designer diaper bags taking their toddlers shopping (while the nannies linger off-camera).

I belong to a women's group that meets once a month. At the beginning of each meeting, we go around in a circle and each woman says her name as well as the names of her mother and grandmother--as far back as she can go in her matrilineal line. One night, a woman brought her newborn daughter to the meeting and when her turn came, she named her daughter instead and then added her own name as her mother and then went back through her family. It was a very emotional moment to think about ourselves as the creators of this next generation who would name us as we grew older.

For a long time, she stared silently down at her daughter and then she finally said in the smallest voice, "I had no idea that it was going to be so hard. No one ever told me that it was going to be this hard." Forget giving birth to the next generation--that is the sweet part of parenthood, the easy part. Her words, the smallness of her voice and the catch in her throat--that is the reality of parenthood.

That is the greatest disservice we do to each other as women and that is one of the many factors that convince a teenager that it is a good idea to have a child. We withhold the truth. We sugar coat the early days with adages such as "this too shall pass." We guilt each other into thinking that we need to always be happy, always look like we have it together, always love motherhood in order to be a good mother. And that these things: happiness, poise, and eternal wells of patience come easily.

I read that one reason given for the desire to have a child was that these girls were seeking unconditional love--a single person who would be there for them and bring them the love that they are missing in their lives. Except this is the problem. Babies do not love people unconditionally. They cling to you because they can't walk, and they cuddle with you because they're tired and need a space to rest, and they even coo and smile at you because they're excited by your unconditional love. Parents can and should love their children unconditionally and in an ideal world, at some point in the future, that love flows back towards them. But it isn't a guarantee.

When you sign on to be a parent, you sign on for the position and then you get your tools--the child. Some people luck out and their tools are exactly as they hoped. Some people take their tools and work with them until--after hard work--they turn into a being who matches their hopes. And others receive a set of tools and no matter what they do, their tools are never going to match the vision they had for themselves when they signed on for the job. Unconditional love is about rolling with that; about taking that child and raising that child and loving that child regardless of how that child doesn't match up with what you thought your child would be. It is about loving that child even if the unconditional love doesn't flow back in your direction.

I love my children and I am so grateful for the chance to parent. I would sign up to do this job again and again. But I'm also glad that I entered parenthood for the right reasons and my heart goes out to anyone who enters parenthood before they are truly ready.

Required Reading:

Feministing: "There’s obviously a lot to address at this school and in the community, but the focus of blame is in the wrong direction."

Once Infertile: "Seeing all these stories in the news of young’uns taking maternity so lightly just burns me. Jealous? Hell, yeah, I am. I wish that the ease in my life had come attached to my ability to conceive, but it hasn’t."

Princess Bubble: "Was this a result of these girls following Jamie Lynn Spears or the movie Juno? If media has this major of an impact on our children; isn’t it time for a new message for these kids? Reminding our youth not only that they are special and valuable; but teaching our children self respect, responsibility and that you can not expect someone else to fulfill all your needs. Happiness begin from within."

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> Understanding What it Means to Live Childfree after Infertility http://www.blogher.com/understanding-what-it-means-live-childfree-after-infertility 2008-06-19T10:20:58-05:00 2008-06-19T09:20:12-05:00 The Town Crier Last week, the New York Times ran an article about living childfree after infertility, featuring fellow BlogHer, Pamela Jeanne of Coming2Terms.

]]> Last week, the New York Times ran an article about living childfree after infertility, featuring fellow BlogHer, Pamela Jeanne of Coming2Terms. The article was well-written and thoughtful, but more telling than the reporter's angle were the comments that appeared on a New York Times blog post that referenced the article as well as a podcast called "Voices of Infertility".

The 323 comments ranged from those who thought they were being helpful by disregarding what the subjects of the article and podcast had already stated ("Please — consider adoption") to cruel ("I have little sympathy for people who can’t have their own children") to idiotic ("Is survival of the fittest at play here?"). And that was only the first 8 comments. I had to stop around comment 21.

Bloggers brought the comments into full posts, explaining the impact the words had on their world. Matthew Miller, author of the upcoming book and blog Maybe Baby, explained about the majority of the comments:

OK, that one I can toss into to the trash heap as the ramblings of someone who is miserable. Most infertiles know, and have experienced, the rantings or unkind words of someone ready to tell you how much worse they have it than you do. Be it another infertile farther along in the process or someone with an entirely separate affliction, I have known the pain and frustration of being put in my place by someone hellbent on being in more pain than I am.

M from another blog named Maybe Baby asks, "Am I a weenie if the comments on the NY Times article starring the beautiful and brave Pamela Jeanne make me cry? Because they do.
Part of me is compelled to speak. To add my voice to the din. The rest of me wants nothing to do with the conversation."

If it was frustrating for me to read, I cannot imagine how it would feel to be one of the individuals who stepped forward to tell their story for the article and podcast. Those comments bring out the "why bother" response that only perpetuates the tension that lies between misunderstood groups of people. And while the need to understand each other is perhaps not as dire as it is with other misunderstood groups, it is still a poor use of energy to respond with the cruel or uninformed comment rather than holding the typing fingers still to listen. How often can people be berated before they stop trying to explain themselves at all? I ask this question in the larger sense for all misunderstood groups; especially when we shake them so hard, trying to get answers and then mock them for the answers given rather than taking the information to heart.

If the article left you in a space where you wanted to learn more about why someone chooses childfree as their path out of infertility, I can point you towards some of the childfree after infertility bloggers:

Outlandish Notions had a fantastic explanation about how one moves towards living childfree after being enmeshed in trying to conceive for so long.

You're Still Young's last post was about "reluctantly letting go -- some days kicking and screaming, others with a little more grace."

My Whole is Greater Than the Sum of My Parts recently changed her blog name from Flutter of Hope as she moved through stages of finding herself again.

(Not) Coming to a Uterus Near You wrote a list recently of the things she was grateful about at a festival to remind herself of all she was missing while she was thinking about the main thing she was missing.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> Glow in the Woods http://www.blogher.com/glow-woods 2008-06-12T08:45:45-05:00 2008-06-12T07:44:19-05:00 The Town Crier It is a home to all babylost mamas, a warm campfire that you hopefully will never need but is waiting there with comfort in case you do. It is Glow in the Woods, a website started this spring by six babylost bloggers: Kate, Bon, Niobe, Julia, Janis, and Tash.

]]> It is a home to all babylost mamas, a warm campfire that you hopefully will never need but is waiting there with comfort in case you do. It is Glow in the Woods, a website started this spring by six babylost bloggers: Kate, Bon, Niobe, Julia, Janis, and Tash. The site is dedicated to mothers who have lost children from prematurity, stillbirth, or neonatal death and is billed as "a place where us medusas can take off our hats, none minding the sight of all the snakes."

The six writers have a rotating question set called 6 x 6 so it seemed fitting to interview the writers with six questions to learn more about the site:

1. What was your first ember in the fire of the site? How did you get involved in Glow in the Woods?

Kate: I met Bon for the first time and the two of us sat up past midnight with lemon tart and wine, talking frankly about how we could ever be some sliver of ourselves again after the loss of our babies. Around her there was no need to soften words, or fear their burden. That's when the idea for a larger-scale gathering was born, and over the following months the other contributing mamas found us as though it was all just meant to be.

We called it Glow in the Woods because that's how it felt to be around each other - like refuge from a storm, warmth and light and understanding.

2. How do you feel when you see a new babylost commentor on a post?

Janis: Glad that someone spoke up instead of lurking. Glad to hear/read a viewpoint, whether it be similar or dissenting. Sad that there are people who know what is being written. Sad that this world is not as small as I thought it was.Glad that she found her way to Glow in the Woods. Sad that it has to be that way. Glad that she could rest her feet and baggage here. Hope that it is just a stop and that that rest gives her strength to walk the rest of her own journey.

3. What has been the hardest topic to tackle with words?

Bon: The hardest topic to tackle with words has been, generally, the subject of difference...differences in our stories and our experiences of grief, but most particularly - at least from where i sit (or, erm, lie on bedrest) - differences in way the luck of the draw has dealt us subsequent pregnancies and overall family structures. On the day the site launched, a comment was left that pointed out, acutely, that all of us have had the chance to parent living children. And with three of us actively in various stages of the agonizing crawl towards the possibility of a live baby after loss, mindfuck though it is, we risk wounding readers who may not have the opportunity to even embark on that journey. So trying to put into words the process of grieving yet another loss while trying to look forward to what I want to hope will be a new baby in this space that is not MY personal space has been a pretty delicate dance, and not so graceful a one as I'd hoped. Yet finding ways to speak without making people feel shut out or more alone than they were when they arrived at the site will only succeed if all of us in the community - especially our readers - use our voices to share our own bits of the story; if our differences and our learning experiences and our honesty are woven into the fabric of what the site becomes, even when the words are hard to find.

4. Some of the best campfire conversations occur after the last embers burn out--what do you talk about in the stillness of night?

Tash: Sadly, when I was in the dregs of grief, I had no one to talk to in the middle of night except myself. So myself and I incessantly rewound the tape of Maddy dying, and idly played -- once again -- the "fuck I can't believe this is my life" opera. I stared at the ceiling, wished my brain to shut off, and willed my body to sleep. Now it's not unusual to turn on my computer late at night and correspond with another babyloss mama in real time or email or by commenting on a blog. Sometimes it's mundane late night chatter (I've talked old house plumbing with one mama), and sometimes it's mindbending (Julia kindly helped me through basic genetics one evening), and sometimes it's heartbreaking. There's something breathtaking about someone approaching you for the first time with their story and their child's name. But it always makes me feel connected, no matter how dark and quiet my house is. It makes me feel less alone, and that in itself is usually enough for me to drag the crossword up to bed and fall asleep before I get through the "Down" clues.

5. What is the best piece of advice you can give to a new medusa?

Julia: Don't let anyone rush you. You are likely to find grief to be a very sneaky and fluid thing. One day you are feeling ok, functioning in the world, and the next you are crushed and wiped out, all over again. All of this is ok, and none of this makes you weak or unappreciative of the good things and good people in your life. Your grief is yours to live with, and nobody should be telling you how to deal with it.

When there is a decision to be made, make the one that feels right to you, for yourself and your family, and it will be the right decision. Maybe not for everyone, probably not for everyone. But that doesn't matter-- it will be right for you.

6. What is the most important thing people should know about Glow in the Woods?

Niobe: The six of us are presenting a limited set of points of view, based on our own experiences and idiosyncrasies. We realize that the reactions and feelings of many of our readers may be entirely different. So, if you read something at Glow in the Woods that you completely disagree with or if you just want to say, "that's not the way it is for me," please don't hesitate to leave a comment or a link to your own blog adding your own perspective. Our hope is that Glow in the Woods will be enriched by other views and other voices.

*******
Other bloggers have taken up the task to answering the original six questions posed by the website organizers. Busted Babymaker answers about pregnancy: "Especially now, pregnancy to me is a dangerously tenuous state, always one pain away from life-destroying, and I will always be in awe of women who go about normal lives while pregnant rather than experiencing debilitating fear every second."

My Sanctuary answers the question about future pregnancies with the stark: "Considering how avidly we’re pursuing pregnancy, obviously I haven’t really thought it though. Because if I did, I certainly would NOT pursue it." My Resurfacing describes herself before and after the loss as "Before: motivated. Today: apathetic."
Visit the 6x6 page in order to read more reactions and answer the questions yourself.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.
]]> Sex and the City: Bad Charlotte http://www.blogher.com/sex-and-city-bad-charlotte 2008-06-05T08:56:44-05:00 2008-06-05T07:55:18-05:00 The Town Crier Dear Charlotte:

This is a little awkward because we don't really know each other. I mean, I know you: I've been to the spa with you (and by "been" I mean that I sat in my friend's living room watching your spa escapades on the screen while I drank a latte), I've been to your art openings, I've even...er... watched you have sex with a man from Chabad. Just trust that I really do care about you even if half the infertile world wants to impale you with the heel of your Jimmy Choos.

]]> Dear Charlotte:

This is a little awkward because we don't really know each other. I mean, I know you: I've been to the spa with you (and by "been" I mean that I sat in my friend's living room watching your spa escapades on the screen while I drank a latte), I've been to your art openings, I've even...er... watched you have sex with a man from Chabad. Just trust that I really do care about you even if half the infertile world wants to impale you with the heel of your Jimmy Choos.

Listen, does it happen? Do people adopt after infertility and then become pregnant sans treatments? Yes--the number often quoted is that this happens 3% of the time. You know how many people don't adopt after attempting fertility treatments, give up on trying, and get pregnant? 3%. And that whole relax-and-it-will-happen myth? Infertility causes stress; stress doesn't cause infertility. Beyond that, you would think all the trips to the aforementioned spa and the Cosmos you downed would be relaxing enough to keep those hormone levels in check.

Can you see why we're all getting cranky with you? You were our hero--infertile girl on the small screen. Sure, infertility may have ended your marriage and struck fear in our hearts, but we could always blame it on Trey and his freaky mother. You were out there, fighting for love and family and what girl didn't wish as they were daydreaming in the clinic waiting room that you'd be sitting there primly, an open copy of Vogue on your lap, waiting to be called back for blood work and a sonogram too?

Listen, it's not just me. Sunny from My Journey Towards My Little Miracle said,

We all know Charlotte is part of our infertility community. She longed for a family. Well she finally adopted a beautiful little girl and is very content. As the movie begins to wrap up guess what she announces? YEP, she's pregnant! I was happy for her but then I felt it coming. The words an IF NEVER wants to hear EVER spoken aloud!

"I'm pregnant. I guess if you relax and adopt like they say, you will finally get pregnant on your own!" I am not sure if these are the exact words but they are what I remember.

Guess what I did? You won't believe it! I first gasped! You could feel the row of my girls do the same thing. Then I stood up, gave an ugly hand gesture and called her a 'not so nice' word very loudly. I am blaming it all on the cosmos! Then I sat myself back down and cried. I just couldn't believe they had to add that line into the movie.

And you know she loves you, but damn, no one who is working this hard to build their family wants to hear you discuss your daughter as a means to another child.

Lindsay at Our Family Beginnings got that the movie was about everyone achieving their personal fantasy--and getting to experience pregnancy was one of your personal fantasies. No one is begrudging you that, sweetie. But as Lindsay said,

Everyone gets the happy ending they want. So, therefore, OF COURSE she gets pregnant. Now, as an infertile, it’s a slap in the face. It’s perpetuating the myth that it is all our fault, that we are just too tense. And making it Charlotte, who has always been the most uptight of the bunch - even worse. It’s a stereotype, and a crappy one at that. So, do I look past it, as I do Carrie’s endless acceptance of Big? Or do I bitch and moan and not get the joke. I don’t know, but me and Lea Bee sure had fun that night flipping the bird at the screen.

The Other Shoe points out the largest problem of all--the source for all of this misinformation and perpetuation of the stereotype:

But then they had to elaborate. And Charlotte said that her doctor told her -- her DOCTOR, people, not her mother or the girl at the checkout counter at the grocery store -- that she had known this to happen to several of her patients. Not only did the movie make the low, ill-informed choice to perpetuate the infertility myth that refuses to die, they used a doctor as a mouthpiece to do so.

You guys made shoe designers famous and kicked off a wavy of cursive name necklaces. How can we not fear the backlash we'll have to endure from those grasping for any advice they can pass along to help us on our way? The "just adopt" myth--it's offensive. It's reductive and dehumanizing and treats one child as a means for another. And seriously, as one of us--at least fictionally--we expected more from you.

And, frankly, as fans of the show, we expected more from the writers who invented you too. If there's ever a follow up film, they may want to spend some time with the bloggers featured at Adoption All-Top. It really sucks when great resources exist and people don't use them.

Does the myth happen? Sure, 3% of the time.

But I would run from placing a storyline on those odds in a New York Minute.

Love,
Mel

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> Wordpress Woes http://www.blogher.com/wordpress-woes 2008-05-29T08:04:33-05:00 2008-05-29T07:04:08-05:00 The Town Crier Prior to having her gallbladder out during pregnancy, Allison's daily readership was about 35 people per day. During bedrest, it shot up to between 110-150 hits per day and remained that way through the birth of the twins and her son's neonatal death. The day before her daughter, Zoë died, she had 176 hits. The day her daughter died, she had 253 hits. And the day after her daughter died, once news got around the Internet, she hit 2349 unique visitors.

]]> Prior to having her gallbladder out during pregnancy, Allison's daily readership was about 35 people per day. During bedrest, it shot up to between 110-150 hits per day and remained that way through the birth of the twins and her son's neonatal death. The day before her daughter, Zoë died, she had 176 hits. The day her daughter died, she had 253 hits. And the day after her daughter died, once news got around the Internet, she hit 2349 unique visitors. The worst day ever became, in Wordpress speak, her "best day ever"--a log of the day she had her highest traffic and a date printed on the screen whenever she opens her Wordpress dashboard.

It is something so small, it's only a reminder of the day she had her highest traffic, yet in a world where online traffic spikes during tragedy as well as celebrations, she cannot be the only person out there who is forced to stare at a date that she doesn't always want to confront when she logs on to write a blog entry.

She wrote a plea to the very same people who put that number on her dashboard with their support to replace it with a different date, a random date, that she could look at each day and remember how the community came together to simply help another person: not for any gain or even to read a particularly witty post. But to help someone remove a date which is painful to view on a daily basis next to the unfortunately named section "best day ever."

So here’s what I’m asking. Can you help me change the post that is displayed for that one stat on my two blogs? Please? Just help me make sure that January 24th, 2008 isn’t listed as my “Best Day Ever.” Pick a day next week, next month…any day and send people my way for that one day. I don’t care what day it is, whenever it works for all of you. It doesn’t even have to be to a certain post. Just so long as more than 2,349 people visit here and more than 1,784 people visit Sweet Zoë . It has to be all in one day though. It doesn’t have to be both blogs in one day but it might be easier.I thought I could be bigger than it, that I could ignore it, but I can’t and I can’t fix it without your help.

Today is the day we picked for that day. Just a random day in the blogosphere to help out a mother in mourning. Please take a moment when you finish reading this post to click on Our Own Creation and Sweet Zoë and bump that day off of her blog dashboard. Forward these links to friends and family and ask them to do the same. It began at midnight GMT and continues until midnight tonight, GMT.


Photographer, Heather Powazek Champ, had a post over a month ago that touches on the what ifs inherent in loss:

Derek and I didn’t lose a parent last week. No, we had the misfortune to experience another miscarriage — our second within six months. And while we couldn’t have been further from careless, it’s hard not to want to second guess every choice and decision that we made during that brief seven weeks. My head and heart bounce around through the various stages of grief with alarming elasticity. Mostly, I feel like I’m standing at the edge looking into a bottomless well of sadness.

There is a quiet ache to her words, a sensation familiar to those experiencing loss. The movement of the head and heart.

I was thinking about that post when I saw the photograph this week of the doll left behind on the chair.

*****

Relaxing Does Make Babies had a post about how loss affects siblings this week--especially those who are still not born. She writes:

 

I realized today, when I was thinking about being pregnant again, that I was thinking about Devin’s little sibling. I can’t remember me thinking about it like that before - I know I’ve mentioned to others briefly how our next baby will be our second, but in my head thinking about pregnancy was always a keening need to fill a void, to replace what has been lost. I wanted to be pregnant, but the thought of being pregnant with someone who wasn’t Devin was just… beyond comprehension, really. I knew it conceptually, but I couldn’t truly wrap my brain around it. I couldn’t conceive of a different child. I didn’t want a different child. So today it was a bit of a shock when I caught myself wondering what our next child is going to be like. And for some reason I am thinking girl… I keep picturing Kailet waiting next in line.

Yes, it is extremely extremely hard thinking about having a little girl, without Devin here to show her the way. It was supposed to be the two of them, Devin and Kailet… siblings. And they will be siblings… just not the way we ever pictured it. And that’s hard. It’s going to continue being hard. My entire next pregnancy is going to be hard, dealing with all the “firsts” a second time around. All those triggers, all those memories.

I read the loss blogs because I want to learn something. I want the writer to twist the world and make me see it in an entirely new way. I had a limited view of siblings before that post. Those words opened up that vision a little more. I read the loss blogs because they were the infertility blogs that I read back when they were trying.

*******

Before you leave and read in other areas of the blogosphere, click on Our Own Creation and Sweet Zoë. Help us bump off that old date and replace the best day ever with today.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> Infertility on the Big Screen: Debating the Panic Womb http://www.blogher.com/infertility-big-screen-debating-panic-womb 2008-05-22T08:44:30-05:00 2008-05-22T07:44:20-05:00 The Town Crier Even though no one can get the terminology correct, journalists love writing about infertility. And now, the article du jour has become critiquing fertility storylines in the cinema. After all, if you're going to stretch the arm wide, you can draw in films as diverse as Juno, Baby Mama, and Then She Found Me.

]]> Even though no one can get the terminology correct, journalists love writing about infertility. And now, the article du jour has become critiquing fertility storylines in the cinema. After all, if you're going to stretch the arm wide, you can draw in films as diverse as Juno, Baby Mama, and Then She Found Me. If we're going to spread the fingers a bit while we sweep up the work in the "fertility film" genre, we can add in the fact that the major networks seem to be jumping on the bandwagon too with infertility and adoption storylines popping up on House, Grey's Anatomy, and Brothers & Sisters.

Mother Jones came out with an online article this week called "When Chick Flicks Get Knocked Up" (which, if we're talking about infertility would be more accurately titled "When Chick Flicks Can't Get Knocked Up and End Up Forking Over $38,000 for a Donor Egg Cycle" but they threw Knocked Up into the mix to make it about fertility too instead of just infertility) that I loved that contained this thought:

 

Does that make the storyline less, or more, feminist? After all, the women in the new fertility films are presented as having children not so as to please a social norm. Rather, they do so out of what one social critic has dubbed "maternal desire." But the truth is that these films are rather conservative at heart; their entanglements all end far more neatly than their real life counterparts.

It's a question those struggling with infertility have grappled with all along--long before film makers turned the camera on our issues. Is it possible to be true to the ideals of feminism while subverting your own life in order to procreate--and is it subversion if you make the choice willingly and with other choices in your back pocket? Peggy Orenstein did a brilliant job lining up the feminism/infertility debate in her 2007 book, Waiting for Daisy.

 

Feministing responded to the Mother Jones article with their own article dissecting fertility in films. And it all boils down to keeping this in mind as you chow down on some popcorn at your local cinema: "BUT…as we all know, choice doesn’t equal empowerment." At the heart of the matter is that "The films also play into oppressive tropes about successful women who don’t prioritize their fertility and then get punished with shitty partners, expensive interventions, and/or a whole lot of heartache." A more realistic genre would include the fastest growing infertile population--those under 25.

It wouldn't be right during Canadian Infertility Awareness Week to not include the recent article in the Times Colonist titled "Panic Womb" which points out: "Juno ushered in a new wave of movies that embrace pregnancy or address the issue of infertility, or both. Forget about the venerable beat-the-clock thriller. Today, the beat-the-biological-clock flick is the thing."

According to the article, the reason for the spate of infertility themed films is in part the "soul-baring celebrities for pulling this deeply personal issue into the limelight by sharing their own stories of adoption (Mary Louise-Parker), in-vitro fertilization (Nicole Kidman) or surrogacy (Dennis Quaid)." Yet at the same time, these same stars don't seem to have the power to guide the stories that start out as a mirror to their struggle. As Michael Reid points out, "What's troubling is that an issue that can cause such heartache and anxiety is so often played for laughs."

In the end, our reactions to these films are as varied as the films themselves. I'm a Smart One, a gestational surrogate who has also struggled in the past with her own infertility writes about Baby Mama, "On one hand it was funny, but on the other, it played into every negative stereotype possible about those who are involved on both sides of the surrogacy process." Arcane Matters writes about these movies offering infertility emancipation. "Nothing like a random movie to remind me how lucky we are. The release of Baby Mama is a milestone for me. Two years ago, I would not have even entertained the idea of seeing that movie."

What is your reaction to the fertility film genre?

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of almost 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> NaComLeavMo http://www.blogher.com/nacomleavmo 2008-05-15T09:20:38-05:00 2008-05-15T08:20:04-05:00 The Town Crier I am all for daily novel writing and, of course, daily blog writing, but rather than 30 posts about the numerous bowls of Cheerios I consume throughout the week, I am for daily comment leaving. Hence NaComLeavMo--National Comment Leaving Month (the "national" is relative to wherever you happen to be). Comments are half of the blogging experience, yet the comments box often gets short shrift, leaving the post simply dangling in the blogosphere. Comments give affirmation, support, closure.

]]> I am all for daily novel writing and, of course, daily blog writing, but rather than 30 posts about the numerous bowls of Cheerios I consume throughout the week, I am for daily comment leaving. Hence NaComLeavMo--National Comment Leaving Month (the "national" is relative to wherever you happen to be). Comments are half of the blogging experience, yet the comments box often gets short shrift, leaving the post simply dangling in the blogosphere. Comments give affirmation, support, closure. They give food for thought, questions, rebuttal. Comments can be 12 point font love.

Last year brought the Commentathon--a month long quest to leave as many comments as possible throughout the infertility blogosphere. But this year opens up this concept and smooths it out in order to draw in all corners of the blogging world--knitting bloggers reading political blogs, cooking bloggers checking out the book blogs, and mommybloggers mingling in the infertility world. It is like the BlogHer conference happening on-screen. It is meant to not only knock you outside your blogging niche but to also foster understanding cross community. One month, a commitment to leave 6 comments a day, and a chance to connect to a plethora of other bloggers.

It is cozy to read and comment on blogs within your community. Certainly, the close-knit nature of certain areas of the blogosphere create a space where information can be passed along and support gathered from those experiencing similar situations. What is missing when we read and comment only within our blogging niche is the opportunity to have our vision of the world tested, to reexamine our long-held beliefs, to learn something new.

Resolve recently discontinued their magazine, Family Building, but when it used to arrive in my mailbox, it was either within an unmarked envelope or had an additional sheet of white paper encasing the cover. People were embarrassed to be receiving an infertility magazine, an executive in the organization explained. Infertility is still a taboo topic hence the covering of the cover. But the lack of communication between the infertility blogosphere and the outside world (and this holds true for all groups discussing sensitive or misunderstood situations) means that the taboo will forever be repeated. I want those outside the infertility community to read our blogs in the same way that I want to read more blogs outside of my realm of understanding. Hence why I'm on the NaComLeavMo list.

That is my reason for joining NaComLeavMo, but other bloggers have listed their own thoughts:

Fertility Notes asks, "Have you been lurking? Those bloggers you bookmark don’t know you read them faithfully every day. They don’t know that you (or I) find them funny, inspiring, insightful. Let’s nurture them by letting them know." Sam's Stories concurs: "The point is to start/increase conversations on your blog, as opposed to the posting in a vacuum thing. It is also a good way to meet and greet other bloggers."

Sell Crazy Someplace Else extends the invitation to the greater blogosphere too: "Though this idea started in the IF (infertility) community, we would like to have blogs and readers of all shapes, sizes and persuasions join us. Come on blogosphere, let's go comment crazy!!" And Surviving Single Motherhood is doing it for the love she'll get in return for leaving comments: "Yes, I'm a dork. I check my sitemeter visitor log every other day or so. It makes me happy to know people are reading this other than me. Again, I'm a dork and I'm okay with that. But I have to say, the lack of comments does make me a little sad."

The larger question is if you are joining the conversation--whether it's to finally feel welcome to comment on blogs outside of your area of the blogosphere or to receive some comment love back. Whether you're doing it to find new blogs or to admit to your lurking on existing ones. Whether you have writer's block and would rather comment than stress about posting or whether you view commenting as a creative outlet.

Add yourself to the list and kick up your commenting starting May 25th. Including, but not limited to, the pu-pu platter of blogging topics you can delve into right here at BlogHer.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of almost 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> Pregnancy after Infertility is Neither Here Nor There http://www.blogher.com/pregnancy-after-infertility-neither-here-nor-there 2008-05-08T09:00:09-05:00 2008-05-08T08:01:05-05:00 The Town Crier If only Babies R Us could start up a special registry for those pregnant after infertility. In the left column next to the pictures could be soothing thoughts for the jittery parents-to-be: "it's okay to look at bumper patterns." And an extra right side column could be notes from the parents to anyone shopping early for their child: "Thank you so much for considering purchasing this breast pump for us.

]]> If only Babies R Us could start up a special registry for those pregnant after infertility. In the left column next to the pictures could be soothing thoughts for the jittery parents-to-be: "it's okay to look at bumper patterns." And an extra right side column could be notes from the parents to anyone shopping early for their child: "Thank you so much for considering purchasing this breast pump for us. If it isn't too much trouble, please don't tell us that you bought it or give it to us prior to bringing home our baby."

Infertility doesn't end with getting pregnant. The excitement and confidence from that first beta usually wears off after a day or so and each milestone reached--the second beta, the sac in-utero, seeing the heartbeat, feeling the first kicks--only brings a modicum of relief; a shorter and shorter pause to the worrying since the stakes are raised as each week passes.

It's no better going the adoption route. Some social workers caution against setting up the room ahead of time though others give the advice to use the waiting period to prepare as one would during any gestation. Those pregnant after infertility swing on the same pendulum--do I buy a glider now? Wait until the baby arrives? Order items and keep them on hold? Bring a pack-n-play into the house?

My advice is to disregard the helpful advice of what experts or your mother thinks and go with your gut--what feels right. If painting a room is going to bring you peace, then grab peace wherever you can get it--even in a 2 gallon can of Behr paint. If having the room finished and no child to bring home will simply haunt you day in and day out, rest easy that there is always time. Somehow a room always comes together.

If the worst happens--and I am sending out hope to anyone reading this that the worst never happens--it will not be because you washed some onesies or didn't welcome your child into the house with a fully prepared room. Putting away baby items will not be the thing that undoes you because after a loss, you are already undone. Undoing a room is salt on a very open wound, though even without the salt, the wound still exists.

If you make the decision to start shopping, you do so with what you know at the moment. And that is all any of us can ever do--make our decisions based on what we know in the moment and what we hope happens in the future.

I think the most interesting response to shopping for pregnancy is the guilt. It is not just the worrying that setting up a room brings but also the worry how others will view the act. Is setting up a registry going to be the floodgate that signals the showers and baptism preparations you weren't ready to discuss yet? Will your infertile friends see you as someone who has moved on? Do you look foolish in the face of knowing how much can go wrong? When the infertile community is the base where you are drawing support, the question comes whether there is an end to infertility and is there a time to leave the community. Do those pregnant after infertility have more in common with their infertile friends or their pregnant counterparts?

Personally, I've always felt that it was so much in the eye of the experiencer--some people wish to have nothing to do with infertility once they achieve those double lines. Others still feel their heart is decidedly infertile even if their belly is consistently growing. After all, another pregnant woman probably wouldn't understand how setting up a registry can be a major act of emotional turmoil though an infertile woman--even one who has not yet achieved pregnancy--is probably better equipped to understand those sentiments.

Miss E's Musings compared her trip to Babies R Us as Alice dropping down the rabbit hole:

But as soon as I walked into the store, I was ready to leave. I hadn't set foot in a baby store in so long, and I had forgotten how totally overwhelming it can be, with everything so bright and plastic and cluttery. Plus, all the most expensive, adorable clothes were front and center to grab at the heartstrings and wallet. And pregnant women were everywhere, of course. I felt a little panicked, and then I remembered, "I'm pregnant now, too; I can be here." But it was too soon. I couldn't, not yet. I felt like Ellen in Bellyland, wondering if things would turn on me and sensing that an invisible cat was smirking high upon the shelves. It was all ridiculous, impertinent, even malicious.

From the Peanut Gallery whispered her thoughts from an early shopping experience: "I bashfully concede that I have been indulging in an activity most die-hard pregnant infertiles leave for the third trimester (and the end of said trimester if at all possible). I have been shopping. For my babies. I bought a few clearance clothing items for winter/spring next year. *gasp* The words 'bold' and 'overconfident' spring to mind."

But she followed the post several days later with an explanation for her anxiety, and it didn't just have to do with the idea of how shopping plans for a future:

I guess I feel a little self-conscious. I feel sorrow. For my fellow infertile sisters that have not yet had the chance to pick out crib bedding. And may never have the chance. Somehow I felt that I was dishonoring my not-yet-knocked-up-or-adoptive-parent-infertile sisters by being excited and positive about this pregnancy. I am aware that logically such a concept makes no sense. But then again, much of what I have felt through my infertility journey hasn’t really made “sense” to me. So why should this be any different?

Not exactly related to shopping, but in the same vein, A Little Pregnant mused on why she hasn't been writing as much anymore. As an infertility blogger currently pregnant, she asks, "What do I have to say about infertility these days that has any relevance whatsoever? One and two-thirds children later, I can no longer speak of the loneliness and isolation infertile people feel on a daily chronic basis with any kind of immediacy." And she continues with the ultimate reason for her extended time between posts:

But then my second thought was sincere puzzlement: What am I doing here, then? When pregnancy, a pregnancy in which I am fairly confident, is all I have to talk about, am I alienating people I care about every time I post? I mean, more so than usual...? Are infertile people coming here, reading my petty carping about veiny legs and pregnancy magazines, and feeling slugged in the gut by someone who used to get it? This uncertainty has made me feel somewhat muted.

Pregnancy after infertility is a strange place to be--neither back in the trenches with those who were offering you support weeks earlier before that positive beta nor over at Babycenter comfortably debating bottle-feeding or breast-feeding. It is about having a little more hope and also a deeper distance to potentially fall. And it is a balancing act--a breath-holding, look-neither-left-nor-right balancing act of enjoying every moment while not enjoying it at all.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of almost 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009. She is also running NaComLeavMo--National Comment Leaving Month--which begins May 25th. Come join the conversation.

]]> Pregnancy Announcements and Lessening of the Ouch Factor http://www.blogher.com/pregnancy-announcements-and-lessening-ouch-factor 2008-05-01T09:07:40-05:00 2008-05-01T11:55:22-05:00 The Town Crier As Yoka says, "glad for you and sad for me" pretty much summarizes pregnancy announcements for those experiencing infertility and loss. It is hard to see someone else getting what you want--but, of course, that happens in all aspects of life. I am jealous of other people's jobs or possessions and I have a scorching case of real estate envy.

]]> As Yoka says, "glad for you and sad for me" pretty much summarizes pregnancy announcements for those experiencing infertility and loss. It is hard to see someone else getting what you want--but, of course, that happens in all aspects of life. I am jealous of other people's jobs or possessions and I have a scorching case of real estate envy.

But I think the jealousy that stems from a medical condition is different because unlike our situation in life--how much money we have or who we meet along the way or where we live--we work under the belief that we are all supposed to be given the same functioning bodies at the figurative body-making factory. Religion, location, our parent's financial situation, their parenting skills: these are all variables that we can accept change from person to person even if we're unhappy with the cards we're dealt.

But uteruses and ovaries are supposed to work. We are not supposed to be carrying around organs that are non-functioning or malfunctioning. Eyes are supposed to see, ears are supposed to hear, and sometimes, seeing someone else's body functioning as ours are supposed to function brings out a reaction of anger or jealousy even though we would never begrudge another person's working parts.

Bean says it well at Hoping for Another Lovebug when she writes:

So I really do know that fertility is not a zero-sum game. Your pregnancy or Jane’s or anybody else's does not actually have any impact on whether or not, or when, I’ll get pregnant. But what funny things infertility can do to your head, what with the waiting, the frustration, the envy, and yes, the jealousy. I have to confess that sometimes when I see a pregnant belly or hear about the pregnancy of a friend, coworker, acquaintance, celebrity, really anyone, it almost feels as though my chances for a successful pregnancy decrease. Stupid I know, but honestly it does sometimes feel that way...I think it’s a lot like how I felt about the really popular kids back in school days. It was a lot easier to pretend that I didn’t like them, than to admit that I was just jealous and wanted what they had.

Bean admits that it makes her sound like she isn't a "nice person" and it's a topic that comes up often between the non-infertile and infertile world. It's hard to understand how you can be happy for someone else and sad about your own situation simultaneously. Or, even jealous or angry at the other person situationally without extending those feelings to the person as a whole. Bitter is a word that is often extended to those experiencing infertility or loss, though it often feels that the sensitivity afforded to other situations isn't broached within the family-building realm.

Bugged had a great post a while back about her sister's pregnancy announcement: "Now I can already hear the voices from the ‘other-side’. You should be happy for your sister…blah blah…whatever! I am happy, but I’m also human and I do suffer from the well known occurrence of pain when confronted with the reminder that I am being left behind in this wonderful journey called parenthood."

I don't think there is a huge divide between infertile and fertile but rather thoughtfulness and insensitivity. It's an insensitive person who knows someone is going through fertility treatments and tells them how they conceived on the first try (or, that their child is a complete accident). It's a sensitive person who knows someone is going through fertility treatments and therefore gives the requisite information and allows the other person to guide the conversation.

We know this instinctively with other facets of life. We don't walk up to poor people and tell them how much money we have nor do we gaily tell widows about how ecstatically happy we are with our partners.

We don't ask Grandma to buck up and deal with conversations about every detail of the wonderfulness of our marriage, but society does have different expectations when it comes to those experiencing a medical crisis. And this is not to say that we don't share with Grandma that we're married or not mention our partner in conversations with her. But rather, that we consider audience and save our odes for our partner for other people in a similar situation rather than someone who has just lost her spouse.

The idea is not to give different treatment to those experiencing infertility or to walk on eggshells around them, but rather to extend circumspection before you speak in any arena. Business writing contains a central idea about knowing audience and providing a "you" attitude, meaning, you take the audience into consideration and frame your words around their situation. I try (sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully) to apply this across the board. Therefore, if you're curious about the best way to give a pregnancy announcement to someone infertile, here are some tips to keeping in mind their situation while still celebrating your good news.

  • Use Email: I know it seems like a cold medium for happy news, but it gives the person time to process their emotions before they jump into hearing the details. Next best is the phone and the worst is telling them face-to-face.
  • Don't tell them the length of time it took to conceive. Even if it took you seven months and this was a planned pregnancy. It is never helpful to hear how long it took or how you did it. If you've been doing treatments yourself, the other person should already know and if you didn't share it with them before this point, a pregnancy announcement isn't a good space for it.
  • Acknowledge your discomfort (if you have some) about giving the announcement and refer to the other person's situation. So many times, a person simply wants their own situation acknowledged and admitting to your discomfort opens the door for both people to deal with the emotions immediately rather than having them build over the course of the pregnancy.
  • Keep it brief: when you give the pregnancy announcement, provide the basic information. Fill in the details as the other person asks questions. If they're not asking questions, that may be your cue that they're not ready to hear the information.

What else would you add to this list?

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1200 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> Aliza Shvarts and Name Calling http://www.blogher.com/aliza-shvarts-and-name-calling 2008-04-24T08:27:38-05:00 2008-04-24T07:26:47-05:00 The Town Crier Several press releases later and the world is no closer to learning the truth behind Aliza Shvarts's senior project but frankly, it only holds my interest by this point as a jumping board to discussing terminology. Regardless of what she intended to do, she never had a miscarriage.

]]> Several press releases later and the world is no closer to learning the truth behind Aliza Shvarts's senior project but frankly, it only holds my interest by this point as a jumping board to discussing terminology. Regardless of what she intended to do, she never had a miscarriage.

I am not just saying this because there is so much more to a miscarriage beyond the bleeding--it is a holistic experience encompassing emotions, intent, desires, pain, bleeding (amongst many other things). I am saying this as a statement to the basic biology lesson Ms. Shvarts slept through at her university: you can't have pregnancy loss without a pregnancy and you can't have a pregnancy without implantation. It is highly unlikely implantation ever occurred but without a beta hCG, a positive pee stick, or even 18 consecutive post-ovulation high temperatures, using the term "miscarriage" or "abortion" is only to press buttons. After all, how many women who are having unprotected sex around ovulation refer to their period as a miscarriage or their monthly abortion? Those who would demean the actual event.

Yet saying that she collected the blood of 9 periods doesn't have the same ring to it. Nothing shuts off discourse faster than mental images of full tampons and nothing pushes more buttons than using terminology tied to emotionally-charged events such as miscarriage or abortion.

The infertility community was buzzing with reaction to the event, from Square Peg, Round Whole's passionate post stating: "But this.... THIS. This makes me want to wretch, and scream, and yell. This is an abuse of - so many things. It is an abuse of a woman's right to do to her body what she chooses. It is an abuse of fertility. It is an abuse of technology. It is an abuse of common sense" to Vacant Uterus's explanation, "Hoax or not, it doesn't really matter to me. The damage is done. Whether her display is fiction or fact, the very idea of it still spits upon all that I hold sacred and painful and private. She's taken my very most deeply painful experiences and made a mockery of them. For that, I have no forgiveness."

Yet after the initial gut reaction, I keep returning to the idea of the terminology used and how words hold more than their definition.

Julia at I Won't Fear Love had a post this week about the imaginary line existing at week 20, the time period when a loss switches from being called a miscarriage to a stillbirth. She writes:

A somewhat significant chunk of the obsessing has been about whether if things were to go to shit now I could hold off delivering until Monday, when we would officially be over 20 weeks. Apparently I am way too attached to let anyone call my son a miscarriage. Veterans of subsequent pregnancies, tell me please, is this normal or am I bringing the crazy extra hard this week?

Jeanette at Keep Me In Stitches had a similar, powerful thought from the other side of the 20 week fence:

I hate that I don't have a picture, either mental or real of what she looked like. I hate that I let the hospital *dispose* of her. I hate that they never told me I had the option of burying her. I hate the word dispose. I hate the term "Late term miscarriage." I hate the term "Gross genetic defect." I hate that my only daughter is in heaven and not here with me. I hate that people don't really consider her a loss because she never really lived. I hate that I get so sad whenever I think of her. I hate that I seem to be the only one on earth who mourns her loss. I hate that I have no grave to visit.

Beyond the switch from miscarriage to stillbirth, there are the terms associated with loss that make us cringe. Spontaneous abortion. Though it is the body doing the aborting, the term has such loaded connotations in this day and age that it feels emotionally irresponsible to continue to use this term in reference to a pregnancy loss. Blighted ovum. Chemical pregnancy.

It's not just pregnancy loss that comes with hot-button words. I cringe every time I read an article that uses the term "implant" with IVF. Embryos are transferred; they're not implanted. We only wish we could implant embryos. Adoption language is continuously changing, trying to respect all members of the triad rather than presenting a particular view through word choice. Even common words such as "ours" and "own" become emotionally-charged when coupled with nouns such as "child."

Yes, they are all just words and they are merely representative of the ideas they define. But words can be a powerful medium and their misuse is what rankles and raises the emotional response in those who feel the weight of trespass.

Which words push your buttons?

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1200 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> The Infertility Dating Analogy http://www.blogher.com/infertility-dating-analogy 2008-04-17T09:15:17-05:00 2008-04-17T08:15:45-05:00 The Town Crier It's an easy parallel to draw especially since many times the two situations intertwine: trying-to-conceive bears many similarities to trying-to-partner. In both cases, we believe the timing is within our control until we discover that life has its own timetable. We can put in hours and hours of hope and hard work and have nothing to show for it on the other end. It may be the thing we want most, but the only aspect of our life that is completely out of reach. Both situations can move like a roller coaster once the tame ride picks up steam after the first twist or drop.

]]> It's an easy parallel to draw especially since many times the two situations intertwine: trying-to-conceive bears many similarities to trying-to-partner. In both cases, we believe the timing is within our control until we discover that life has its own timetable. We can put in hours and hours of hope and hard work and have nothing to show for it on the other end. It may be the thing we want most, but the only aspect of our life that is completely out of reach. Both situations can move like a roller coaster once the tame ride picks up steam after the first twist or drop.

Those who find their partner with relative ease or conceive their child on the first or second try, probably wouldn't describe these life events as difficult or a roller coaster. But for those on the other end of the statistics, the ones who put themselves out there and try Internet dating and allow themselves to be set up by their Great Aunt Jane or the ones who turn to assisted conception or adoption to build their families after years of disappointments, wouldn't wish this time period on their worst enemy.

I was speaking about this with my cousin last weekend: dating sucks. Anyone who is stressed out about never having a first kiss again needs to take a step back and remember all of the horrible things about dating that they're blocking out of their mind. Yes, there is the excitement of a first date and those nights where you don't sleep, trying to find out everything about each other. And that certainly is more interesting than the day-to-day life of picking dirty socks off the floor. But there's also the anxiety--why isn't the other person calling and what did they mean by that and do they really like me and will I have to go alone to my friend's wedding in June?

It's a little bit like how we long to be back in college. Yes, you want to be young again and relive those college years, but would you really want to be apply for college right now? Because that is part of the experience too. The filling out of forms and stressing about the SATs and waiting by the mailbox for a letter. And even once you got to college, it wasn't always pulling all-nighters with your friends around a half-eaten box of Gumby's Pizza Pokey Stixes. It was about arguing with a professor and receiving a C for all of your hard work and stressing about what you wanted to be when you grew up.

The infertility world often debates this analogy and it's interesting because sometimes, the two situations intersect: because a person didn't find their partner until later in life, they waited to try to conceive until later in life and their infertility may or may not be attributed to age (just to be clear, infertility in your 40s may be a condition of age OR it may be caused by a situation that has always existed but since fertility wasn't tested until later, wasn't discovered until later). I imagine it can be salt in a very open wound to have experienced the waiting and difficulties of a long road to partnership only to be met with the waiting and difficulties of a long road to parenthood.

One of the most interesting posts I've ever read on the topic came from Teendoc at Welcome to the Dollhouse. She writes of both sides, first an exchange she had with a fellow blogger who tells her that singledom (when one wishes for a partner) is not like infertility because love can happen at any age--there can always be hope that love is around the corner since it holds no limits unlike reaching parenthood. Teendoc responds with an interesting point:

Yet going back to the original theme of this post, I have lived both lonely singledom and infertility. I’ve been to hell in both arenas and I wouldn’t wish either of these states on my worst enemy. However, from where I sit, I completely disagree with the blogger I quoted. For me, infertility was not worse that 2 decades of being single and lonely. Why? Because I had my love, my partner, my husband to travel the infertility road with me. His presence soothed my heart in ways that I cannot begin to explain.

So what is the point of all this writing? Well, while we are still caught up in the pain, frustration and loss of infertility, and want others to be sensitive to our feelings and needs, we must remember that others can be living their own personal versions of hell that are equally important to them. We cannot decide that our pain is greater than another’s pain. Pain is pain. The distress it causes must be respected and not judged.

What kicked off this long thought about the connection between infertility and coupledom? An internal question about whether it is polite to ask after a single person's love life. Is it polite or rude--caring or hurtful--to ask a friend if they're currently dating someone? I can only speak for the infertility side and say that when you are trying and failing to conceive, it can be salt in the wound to be constantly asked at family gatherings or when catching up with friends when you plan on having children. Do you admit that you've been trying and failing? Do you lie? Do you blow off the question entirely by changing the subject? Do you burst into loud, gasping sobs?

Is it equally hurtful to ask someone single if they're dating someone? Does it show an interest in all aspects of their life or is it simply poking at a sore spot to constantly be asked the same question? And are the two situation similar--asking about family building vs. asking about dating?

Your thoughts?

This Week's Required Reading

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1200 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> Thomas Beatie and the Orange on the Seder Plate http://www.blogher.com/thomas-beatie-and-orange-seder-plate 2008-04-10T08:01:23-05:00 2008-04-10T07:01:19-05:00 The Town Crier I wasn't going to blog about Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man, even though his story touches on so many aspects of infertility--a wife with endometriosis and a hysterectomy, donor insemination, assisted conception. Even as all of the other bloggers tackled the topic, I sat back thinking: where is the story? Two people want to add to their family and they do so. The end. But the convergence of Pesach cleaning and citrus fruit made me think about how this story is the new orange on the seder plate.

]]> I wasn't going to blog about Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man, even though his story touches on so many aspects of infertility--a wife with endometriosis and a hysterectomy, donor insemination, assisted conception. Even as all of the other bloggers tackled the topic, I sat back thinking: where is the story? Two people want to add to their family and they do so. The end. But the convergence of Pesach cleaning and citrus fruit made me think about how this story is the new orange on the seder plate.

For those unfamiliar with the idea, many Jews place an orange on their seder plate during the Pesach meal.

In the early 1980s, while speaking at Oberlin College Hillel, Susannah Heschel was introduced to an early feminist Haggadah that suggested adding a crust of bread on the seder plate, as a sign of solidarity with Jewish lesbians (there's as much room for a lesbian in Judaism as there is for a crust of bread on the seder plate). Heschel felt that to put bread on the seder plate would be to accept that Jewish lesbians and gay men violate Judaism like chametz violates Passover. So, at her next seder, she chose an orange as a symbol of inclusion of gays and lesbians and others who are marginalized within the Jewish community. She offered the orange as a symbol of the fruitfulness for all Jews when lesbians and gay men are contributing and active members of Jewish life. In addition, each orange segment had a few seeds that had to be spit out--a gesture of spitting out, repudiating the homophobia of Judaism.

It's actually an interesting story--this was the original idea behind the orange on the seder plate, though the retelling of the lecture changed over time like an enormous game of telephone and by now, if you ask a Jew why they place an orange on the seder table, they will most likely answer in solidarity of women. Heschel herself is upset by this fact and says that the retelling and changing erases the point and underlines the problem--that we are so uncomfortable discussing homosexuality (and I'm going to add here for the sake of this discussion, transgenderism) that we just circumvent symbols and change them into something more accessible. Everyone can talk comfortably about female empowerment. Not everyone can talk comfortably about homophobia.

Talking about Thomas Beatie means making a lot of assumptions. Who can say what type of parent a person will be without knowing them? Who can say how children will turn out until they've turned out? We can only comment on what we see and right now, I'm seeing a couple who want a child and used assisted conception to achieve that. Not so different from my own path.

On my own seder plate this year, I'm placing an apple--the original fruit that gave birth to all questions--representing reproductive rights for all people because truthfully, just as the changed story of Heschel's speech has a man shouting about women belonging on the bimah as much as an orange belongs on the seder plate, empty symbolic gestures do not have a space at my table. It is apples and oranges; I am taking back the fruit. If I believe in reproductive rights for myself--and believe me, I want my reproductive rights well-covered--I need to believe in reproductive rights for all who act out of love or my shouting for myself becomes merely symbolic, self-serving, meaningless.

Mother Jones, in August 2006, ran a survey of fertility clinic directors. Only 59% believed everyone has a right to a child. 48% said they would likely turn away a gay couple seeking a surrogate. 20% would turn away a single woman. 17% would turn away a lesbian couple. If you want reproductive rights for yourself--and I'm fairly certain that no fertility clinic director would wish to be told that they cannot or must have a child--we should be concerned about others. Because I'm not just talking about those experiencing infertility who need to utilize assisted conception when I speak about reproductive rights--every single person on this earth should be in control of whether or not they reproduce or parent. Put an apple on the seder plate for that.

I've been reading the blogger's response to Thomas Beatie's story both in the infertility world and the greater blogosphere. Julia from I Won't Fear Love wrote to the producers at Verdict with Dan Abrams.


I was extremely disappointed with yesterday's segment on the pregnant man. The host declared that he didn't know where to begin with this story. How about "a man and a woman marry and want to start a family. Unfortunately, due to prior medical condition, the woman had a hysterectomy some years ago. Luckily, the man happened to have the necessary biological machinery to conceive and carry their child."?

Or Kymberli at I'm a Smart One's post who cheers on anyone who wishes to mindfully add to their family: "More power to you and your wife. Who am I to criticize how someone chooses to live their lives and build their families? I love it, and I'm glad they had the balls to step up and go public with it. Thomas said, 'Love builds a family.' You're damned right."

Mombian said it best at the end of her coverage of this story: "As I see it? Loving parents are normal. Everything else is variable."

Perhaps, if that was what 59% of the fertility directors were looking for, I wouldn't be so disturbed by the figure. If we were actually looking at love, there would be no discussion concerning Thomas Beatie and his wife. If we wanted everyone else to have what we want for ourselves, we wouldn't need to place so many damn apples on the table this spring.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1200 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

]]> J Lo's Infertility Block http://www.blogher.com/j-los-infertility-block 2008-04-03T09:31:53-05:00 2008-04-03T09:31:30-05:00 The Town Crier It's incredible how much my life mirrors J Lo's. Every magazine I open, every celebrity blog out there is desperate to know if I used fertility treatments to conceive my twins. Some people say I brought it on myself by always playing coy and doing my whole "look at me! Don't look at me!" thing. Maybe I did, but now that I'm holding these two little 3 1/2 year old nuggets of love, I am ready to invite you into my townhouse and take a small peek into the chaotic and wonderful life of just your-average-celebrity mum.

]]> It's incredible how much my life mirrors J Lo's. Every magazine I open, every celebrity blog out there is desperate to know if I used fertility treatments to conceive my twins. Some people say I brought it on myself by always playing coy and doing my whole "look at me! Don't look at me!" thing. Maybe I did, but now that I'm holding these two little 3 1/2 year old nuggets of love, I am ready to invite you into my townhouse and take a small peek into the chaotic and wonderful life of just your-average-celebrity mum.

If you'll step over here, you can watch me demurely cross my ankles while I gaily feed the ChickieNob soy bacon and carrot sticks. Over in our living room (which is also our dining room, playroom, and home office), you can plant yourself on the marked-down sofa and watch me nuzzle the Wolvog while he squirms out of my unmanicured hands. Take a peek into how we squeezed two beds in a single room due to an absolute lack of space. And ask me any question. Any question you like.

BlogHer: You look incredible. It's been...what? 3 1/2 years? And you've almost lost the baby weight.

Melissa: I know, I'm really blessed with wonderful genes.

BlogHer: And potty training? Which one of you is actually conducting the potty training?

Melissa: Josh is such an amazing father--a natural. It is incredibly how he has figured out how to help our children learn how to urinate on the toilet. I, of course, am too busy still training for my Iron Man this upcoming fall.

BlogHer: Let's just get this out in the open. Can you set the record straight about how challenging it was to conceive?

Melissa: Do you see a dime buried in that marked-down sofa? Of course not, since we've already scrounged for it ourselves. I think it's pretty obvious that we did fertility treatments due to our lack of money.

Thus ends the interview portion of this post.

It is obvious looking at the sheer elegance of J Lo's house that her vagina could not have possibly seen the hollowed end of a catheter because she obviously is not paying off thousands in medical bills.

All of this is said tongue-in-cheek; I don't truly care if J Lo has done treatments or not or if she admits to them or only writes about them in her super secret diary. Truthfully, just because she is a celebrity doesn't mean that it's my business and regardless of social status, it's never fun to be on the receiving end of the twin guessing game. In fact, it's ten kinds of annoying to get the thinly-veiled questions and comments when you have conceived with fertility treatments so I would think that it would be equally annoying to receive them when you haven't conceived with treatments.

I'm fairly certain that with few exceptions, no one wanted Jennifer Lopez to need IVF. And if you actually read her answer, she doesn't deny fertility drugs--just in vitro. Twins may run in Marc's family, though twinning is never determined by the male and J Lo may have enough multiples in her family for a twin convention, though I'm fairly certain without any close relatives having twins that it's unlikely to have come from her side as well. Twinning, of course, is more common with women over 35.

Bloggers, though, have not taken offense with the fact that we can't claim J Lo as one of our own and have her step up to be the next Resolve spokesperson. It's the way she put down other paths to parenthood including her own stepmotherhood when she said, "I can't even think of anything that can match the actual miracle of giving birth and having your own child. It's beyond anything you could ever imagine." And it is beyond what millions of people who adopt apparently get to imagine and frankly, we're all a little tired of celebrities ignoring the existing children they parent in order to wax philosophical about their newborns. Last I checked, parents who do not gestate their children still find them to be miracles so perhaps it has nothing to do with uteruses?

It's the way that she left the millions of men and women experiencing unexplained infertility as not wanting it badly enough when she said, "I knew there was nothing wrong with me. I knew that I could. Deep down, I really wanted it badly."

Julie from A Little Pregnant wrote an open note to Ms. Lopez last week,

First off, if you've been trying, as I read in Foreign Affairs, to have a baby for years without any success, then, yes, there is something wrong with you. It's called infertility. Deny treatment all you like, but why not admit that? It's not, like, the dripping clap. It's not even and an embarrassing addiction. It's a medical condition that affects people in all walks of life. It doesn't make you any less of a woman, or less of a wife, or less of a bootylicious megastar. It just makes you human.

Portia P from Desperate to Multiply admitted her disappointment in the interview:

I've been sorely disappointed by Jenny from the Block this week. Whether or not her fraternal twins - born to a 38 year old mother after years of trying - were IVF babies or not, it's offensive how vehemently she has denied it. I almost liked her - as I've warmed and felt a slight affinity to many female celebrities attempting to sneak a baby into the dusk of their reproductive years. I've gone right off her.

A conversation with an elderly acquaintance made Akeeyu at herveryown muse about the Ben Affleck Infertility Cure:

I told her that I did indeed see The Jo Lo.
"You know what I think?"
I wondered if she thought what everybody else in the known universe was thinking, but said nothing.
"I think those babies were gifts from God."
"Oh?" I said politely, fervently hoping for Jennifer Lopez's sake that they were not gifts from God. The gods, after all, have a long history of giving pretty questionable gifts.
"She waited so long, you know. I think those babies were her reward because of everything she had to go through."

And that is precisely the problem with the interview. Because there is the rewarded and the unrewarded. And reality (two round-the-clock baby nurses) and fantasy (we're doing it all by ourselves and just paying these baby nurses thousands of dollars to look pretty--wait, they can do that since they didn't pay for treatments).

The blame, of course, falls squarely on the shoulders of magazines that make us believe that we should be interested in the uteruses of celebrities. Because once you remove the People magazine from the house, she doesn't even cross my mind. And I get to live my day happily-ever-after in our townhouse, ducking my own twin questions left and right.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1200 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

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