Next week, June 14-19, is Baby Week at Discovery Health, home to nightly stories of remarkable births. Shows such as Twins By Surprise, Little Parents Big Pregnancy, Births Beyond Belief, and Obese and Pregnant will air nightly at 8 pm Eastern/Pacific.
]]>Next week, June 14-19, is Baby Week at Discovery Health, home to nightly stories of remarkable births. Shows such as Twins By Surprise, Little Parents Big Pregnancy, Births Beyond Belief, and Obese and Pregnant will air nightly at 8 pm Eastern/Pacific.
BlogHer is pleased to announce that our community will be lending its voice to the storytelling next week, with many BlogHers sharing their own birth stories at their blogs. You can visit this page for a complete list of our community's posts, including stories such as Catherine Connors' dramatic dash to the hospital:
Mad vehicular dashes to hospitals with women in labor are usually played for laughs on film and television. Let me tell you: there is nothing funny about racing toward a hospital that seems to recede ever further into the horizon as you speed forward in excruciating pain, your body completely out of your control, medical disaster ever more imminent with every passing second. Even when the toddler in the back seat starts shouting MOMMY YOU NEED MEDICINE YOU NEED MY TOADSTOOL? it's not funny. It's stone-cold terrifying.
Lindsey Ferrier shares how she unexpectedly became a moaner:
But after about 40 hours of intensifying contractions, my moaning philosophy went out the window. I was in pain, people. Yet I still had my wits about me enough to be deeply embarrassed by the primitive howls coming from my mouth as my entire family sat in the den, silently watching me on the sofa.
"Don't look at me!!" I hissed in between moans. "Don't just sit there looking at me!"
I am ashamed to admit I actually glared at my 80-year-old grandma, owl-eyed and frowning on the Barcolounger.
Discovery Health is also featuring these BlogHers and others at their special Baby Week landing page. Stop by and read these compelling stories, and learn a little more about the stories Discovery Health will be airing, too.
Shannon Lowe blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>If you Google the phrase "find a sitter", you'll find more links than you know what to do with. Many of these sites have great reputations, but I'm still a fan of finding sitters the old-fashioned way: word of mouth. Over the years, when I've needed sitters, I generally turn first to my fellow mom-friends for suggestions and recommendations. They've seen the sitters in action and can often vouch for their reliability. But sitters hired by your friends may be already booked well in advance. Here are some other options to try:
Check your local colleges. Many colleges have career centers for helping students find part-time jobs; consider posting a listing with them. Or just post a notice in a student center or organization.
Talk to adults who work with kids. Know any high school teachers or youth ministers? They work with young people daily, and they might be able to offer some names of reliable kids interested in babysitting.
Get to know your neighbors! Many neighbors, whether young people or not, might be interested in some occasional part-time work.
(Of course, anytime you hire a sitter you don't know personally--and even if you do know them personally--it is ALWAYS important to ask for and check references. For safety's sake, this is not a place to cut corners.)
Once you find someone you feel you can trust, it's important to be clear about your expectations. Perhaps you can have a conference (in person or on the phone) before her first time to babysit for you. Let the sitter meet your kids, and discuss the specifics of the job. Lay some ground rules (in our family, those include leaving the house in the general condition you found it, never opening the door for anyone, and NOT using cell phones or iPods while caring for our kids).
The million-dollar question (no pun intended) is what to pay. It's been discussed at great length elsewhere (I've written about it on my own blog before, with wide-ranging responses). I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all question. There are many things to consider, including:
Where you live. Just like housing prices vary geographically, sitter rates will vary too.
The size of the job. I personally pay a "base rate", but I add onto for multiple children or more demanding responsibilities (such as a fixing a meal or handling bedtime).
The age and experience of the sitter. I think it's completely reasonable to expect to pay more for experience--most jobs work that way.
However you figure it, my best advice is to settle on amount ahead of time. Some sitters, especially teenagers, feel uncomfortable naming a price. In this situation, I try to put them at ease by asking one of their parents or simply offering them what I've paid in the past.
Most importantly, it bears repeating that we should be thorough and careful in hiring sitters. Our kids are our treasures, and we need to do what we must to find caregivers we can trust.
What about you? Have you found any other creative ways to find sitters or establish an hourly rate?
]]>I should start by noting that kids' birthdays seem to have taken on a life of their own for the current generations of kids. When I was a kid, my mom threw a handful of M&Ms on a homemade cake, and we called it good. There were no goody bags, no inflatables, no farm animals or clowns. And yet I never felt cheated or unloved; my parents found plenty of ways to make birthdays a big deal in the ways that do count.
So yes, let me publicly confess that I don't think every kid needs a giant, elaborate birthday party every year. Or, for that matter, any year. Birthdays are fun and meaningful because they celebrate a child's life. When we get wildly elaborate with birthday parties, I wonder if we're actually depriving kids of the opportunity to appreciate the little joys. For example:
With all due respect to The Big Giant Pizza Place With Singing Animals, such places are outrageously expensive. Yes, they're convenient. But a parent can easily spend multiple hundreds of dollars on a party like that, and it seems there are plenty of smarter ways to spend the money, especially in tough economic times. Parties at home do not have to be complicated or nightmarish. One year we pushed all our living room furniture up against the walls and set up a tent in the living room. It was enough to entertain the partygoers for hours. Another year we set up inexpensive Slip 'n Slides in the backyard. Yet another year I spent $20 on glow sticks at the dollar store (and that's a LOT of glow sticks)--the kids ran around happily in the backyard, all aglow.
Sometimes, of course, it's fun to do something special for a kids' party, but even then, you don't have to spend a fortune. One year we held a party (for free!) at the local fire station, and the firefighters enjoyed showing the kids the hoses, sirens and ladders (I baked them an extra cake as thanks!). Municipal parks and swimming pools often offer affordable rental fees for simple parties--it's a fraction of the cost of an expensive party place.
Always remember Rule Number One of affordable birthday parties: the dollar store is your friend. Instead of putting together "goody bags" for guests to take home (and let's just be honest, those things are usually filled up with junk), I buy a one-dollar toy at the dollar store for each guest. Surprisingly, a dollar can still go a long way, especially for something like this. For a summery theme one year, I sent home one-dollar beach balls. After a princess party, I sent home one-dollar crowns. Other great dollar store goodies include sidewalk chalk, bubbles, water guns, jump ropes and more. The kids love it, and the other parents will love you for not sending home a junky little bag. Additionally, dollar stores tend to offer great options for party supplies like plates, napkins and invitations.
Basically, give yourself (and your checkbook) permission to keep kids' parties simple. Children have been living for generations, feeling loved, affirmed and celebrated on their birthdays without the help of Sparky, Your Personal Birthday Clown. You can do it!
Shannon Lowe writes at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>It's amazing how much I knew about parenting before I had children.
]]>It's amazing how much I knew about parenting before I had children.
Since those days, I have managed to wean four preschoolers off a pacifier, and I know that it can drive a parent to almost any method: cold, hard cash, anyone?
First, let's back up, and I'll make it clear that I'm a big fan of the pacifier. I know, from my own experience, that a mom who uses pacifiers with her babies will hear plenty of well-meaning advice from friends, strangers (and occasionally a dentist) about how awful pacifiers are for a child's mouth development. Certainly, I'd advise any new mom to do her research and listen to the professionals.
But I will also confess that I never planned to use pacifiers with my kids. My mom gently suggested it might be a good idea to have one in my house anyway, "just in case." I held out for only a few short days into my son's young life, and all caution about future orthodontia vanished as I looked for ANY possible means to catch a few minutes of sleep.
Maybe I was unusually fortunate; I know many women report that pacifier usage can harm early breast-feeding efforts. I didn't have that experience at all. A lactation consultant could give you specific pointers on how to integrate paci use with breastfeeding.
So, clearly I'm a fan, but what about the back end of the paci experience: weaning a child OFF? I won't lie to you; this can be hard. We usually began the transition sometime after the second birthday, telling the child that the pacis lived in the bed. If he wanted his paci, he could have it, but he had to sit in his bed. This might be enough to motivate an especially social two year old, who would prefer to be in the main room with the family.
Not mine, though. They were all plenty social, but that paci was their GOLD MINE. It was going to take a much bigger motivator for my crew.
So as my eldest child's third birthday approached, we planned a big event. We packed up all the pacifiers in the house, put them in a big box, gift-wrapped it elaborately and gave it to a friend who had just given birth. It was purely symbolic (I wouldn't let that sweet new baby anywhere near our gunky old pacis), but HE didn't know that. It was a nice mental nudge for my son to realize that pacis are for babies, and he simply wasn't a baby anymore. He grieved for a day or two, but he quickly got over it.
The subsequent kids had similar experiences. We tried to make the paci weaning a tangible event in which they had some control. And--this is the important part--they had the concrete experience of removing the pacifiers from our home. I think that was an important psychological boost. For my youngest child, who loved to watch the squirrel families play in our backyard, we suggested that we should package up her pacis and give it to the baby squirrels. To our surprise, she was actually quite happy about this, and we made a big production of it. (Animal lovers, never fear--as soon as my daughter trotted off to bed, we brought the pacis back inside!) The next morning, our groggy daughter stumbled out the back door to see the results, and the pacis were gone. "They took them!" she squealed in amazement, and she never asked for another paci again.
So there you go. If your baby shows no interest in a pacifier, don’t sweat it, but if she does fancy one, then don’t sweat that either. It can be a lifesaver to a sleepy parent, and someday your Squirrel Pacifier Party will make a great family story!
Shannon Lowe writes at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>It was the single best source of conflict between my dad and me during my teen years (certainly I could've caused him much worse trouble, as I pointed out often). He is orderly; I am not, and my bedroom reflected this, generally remaining a cesspool of clothes, cassette tapes and (very blue) eyeshadow. The results of our conflict often ended in a whole host of creative punishments, including the day he grounded me from all electricity. Because it was the '80's, and a smokin' hot curling iron was a critical ingredient in The Great Bang Tease, I felt my self-esteem would surely never recover. Before I went to bed that night, I made a list of Things I Would Never Do When I Was A Parent (oh yes, I did), and at the top of the list was "I will never punish my kids for having a messy room."
How much money would I give to have a copy of that list today?
The fact is, I understand now, that my dad was not unkind or unreasonable. He was trying to teach me some self-discipline, and he wanted me to learn to organize my stuff before I left home. He wanted to help me become a neater, tidier person--a lost cause, I'm afraid, but he did his best.
I'm a parent of four now, and I understand my dad’s frustration. I am still not a spectacular housekeeper, but I keep things generally moving forward (the Health Department has never had to intervene, as I remember my dad once cautioning). Two of my children, however, are naturally inclined to keep rooms that I completely deserve for them to keep, considering the grief I caused my dad. The messiness level gives me a run for my money.
Truthfully, though I consider myself a strict parent with high standards, I don’t know that a constantly-tidy room is a hill worth dying on. I understand the idea of teaching them self-discipline, and I do that in plenty areas, but I’m inclined to give a little freedom about their own space. We’ve worked out a good set compromises with the kids (and my husband, who, speaking of cosmic irony, is also a neat freak):
Once a week the room gets a good cleaning. Between cleaning days, they can keep it however they’d like (though they’re learning if they stay on top of the mess, they don’t spend as much time cleaning it on the big Cleaning Day.)
No food in their room. Seriously. I realize the teen years will be here in about ten minutes, and I may have to compromise here, but for now, I stand my ground.
They’re responsible for their own dusting, vacuuming, sheet-changing, etc. I don’t require it weekly, but when I do, it’s their job, not mine.
Regardless of whether or not it’s room cleaning day, they CANNOT have guests over if their room is a dump. It’s a great motivator when they want to have a sleepover.
I listen to their reasoning. My oldest child is very artistic. He actually keeps a pretty neat room on his own, but the top of his drawing table is a disaster. He insists that he knows where everything is and he needs that mess to think best. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, especially since he’s so responsible with the rest of this room.
So far, we have not been bitten by any small animals or lost any children, so I’m pleased. Thus far, (and I say this with fear and trembling), we’ve not had any major head-butting over the issue of room-cleaning. I hope that balancing reasonable standards with personal freedom will help us avoid the tear-filled fights I shared with my dad. Ask me in a few years how it’s going—or, better yet, ask my dad. You can be sure he’ll watching closely, with a grin on his face.
Shannon Lowe writes at Rocks In My Dryer and the Parenting Post.
]]>Plenty of other families are developing inside family jokes from funny YouTube video clips. Angela of Diapers and Stilettos writes about her own introduction to Charlie and the Unicorn:
When I first watched it I thought, "This is the lamest thing ever." I almost got up and walked away. But I wanted to see the video the boys had been quoting ceaselessly for the past few weeks. And somehow watching it with them made me laugh. And then laugh more. And then we watched it again. And now I quote it with them.
So, be warned. But, be relevant.
YouTube clips are usually pretty short, of course; this can make it tricky if you have a young toddler who can't re-click "play". Jenni of Peace and Carrots stumbled onto a solution for this problem:
Then I discovered YouTube's playlist feature. I was able to put together a playlist of Wendy's favorite clips, and get about twenty minutes of continuous Wiggly action! I set her up with the laptop on the kitchen floor last night, and it was fantastic!
LomaGirl posted this video to her blog, under the heading of "Bedtime Story Fun". Not a DIY Life reports that she has used YouTube as a tool for teaching her baby sign language.
What about the objectionable preview pictures that pop up after a video is over? That's a real issue for parents, and it's the reason I only let my kids on YouTube under close supervision. Kim of Gray Matters found a way for parents (who use Firefox) to block those previews. Christy Matte of About.com has another practical way to keep at least some level of control:
When watching videos, adjust your browser size (by dragging the bar at the bottom up and down) so that just the video is showing. Then you won't have to worry about inappropriate comments and suggested movies.
Other family-friendly alternatives to YouTube are popping up, to help parents navigate this problem of questionable content. Tangle, KideoPlayer, KidsTube, KidVideos, and (for younger kids) TotLol are some alternatives. Parents can also choose browsers, such as Glubble and KidZui, which have been designed specifically for kids.
Just for grins, leave the links to your famiy's favorite YouTube video in the comments section!
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>While they were gone, my brother and I worried about them. What will they do? Won't they get bored without their noisy brood of grandchildren to keep things interesting? I felt so sorry for them.
]]>While they were gone, my brother and I worried about them. What will they do? Won't they get bored without their noisy brood of grandchildren to keep things interesting? I felt so sorry for them.
The afternoon they came back, we all had lunch together. The trip was great, they told us. It was quiet, and they had lots of time for resting and talking and enjoying each other. And, hopefully in a way that was not too skeptical, I asked my mom, "Really?"
"Really," she said. "It was wonderful." And then she turned to look at me squarely. "You know," she said. "in 38 years I've never loved your Dad as much as I do right now."
And you know what? I am a grown woman with four kids, a husband, a mortgage, stretch marks, a PTA membership card and a mini-van. I'm just as grown up as I can be. But when my mother said that to me, when she looked me in the eyes and told me how much she loved my father, I felt about eight years old again--in a good way. Happy and safe.
It reminded me what I already knew, what I try to live, some days better than others: one of the best things I can do for my children is to love their dad, and to make sure the kids know it. My husband and I both make a concerted effort to build each other up verbally in front of our kids: "I love that your dad is such a hard worker." "Isn't your mom creative?" We want to enjoy each other, and laugh together, and be physically affectionate around our children. We want to lay the groundwork for them to settle for nothing less than this in their own marriages someday.
And I don't mean that we've contrived some false picture for them--there are two sides to that coin. There are plenty of conversations that stay between my husband and me, but we also make it a point to talk through some (appropriate) things in their presence. They need to see compromise, and meeting in the middle.
It isn't always easy. Marriages--even good ones--are hard work. Building a family, and walking together in the ins and outs of daily life, can get messy. But when we give our kids a healthy glimpse into our marriage, it makes us want to be better, and I hope it teaches them a thing or two about what real love is.
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>(Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I feel like I should share that I sent my own offspring to school with packs of Fun Dip for the friends, and we're calling it good.)
Princess Spanky Pants of Gather has written out step-by-step instructions for how she and her kids made homemade valetines for the class. I'm especially impressed by the fake iPods!
If you're not feeling particularly skilled in the craft department, Living Locurto offers some easy (and free!) downloads you can simply print out and customize however you'd like. I love the little owl!
Learning by Living offers up instructions for an especially boy-friendly craft: a barn-shaped "mailbox" for depositing Valentines!
Kiddio shares instructions for making cute (and even edible) conversation hearts out of salt dough.
Peoples Online shares the Valentine love with our feathered friends, giving instructions on how to make heart-shaped bird feeders.
No Time For Flash Cards has a brilliant and simple idea: she's making heart-shaped pizza out of tortillas. The kids can easily get involved with this hearty (oh, the pun!) idea.
Kaboose is keeping it simple with downloadable coloring sheets, many that can folded down into actual cards.
Scrumdilly-do shares an idea that is do-able for even the least crafty among us: using cardboard and scrapbook paper for making a heart-shaped memory game. (This is a great idea year-round, actually--it could be adapted for any holiday celebration by just changing the shape!)
Amazing Moms gives a long list idea for Valentine's celebrations, including some video instruction for party planning. There are some great ideas for games and recipes.
Twig and Thistle has an elegant idea: pastries in a custom box. And she even offers a free, downloadable box for the gift (the link is just under the first photograph.)
Homespun Oasis shares ideas that even the youngest toddlers can do: homemade valentines using crafters foam and simple embellishments.
Who says hanging decorations are just for Christmas trees? Not Bread of Angels, who offers a variety of suggestions for Valentine's-themed ornaments.
Martha Stewart, of course, has plenty of lovely suggestions for Valentine's crafts, and she shared some video tutorial on The Today Show. (If Matt Lauer can do it, so can you.)
Simple holiday sugar cookies are always perfect, and Parenting the Tiniest of Miracles shares a favorite family recipe for this sweet treat.
Homemade doesn't have to mean complicated, as Blessed Femininity shares a photo of her simple homemade valentines, using construction paper, suckers and a printer!
Life to the Fullest not only made cute valentines for her kids' friends, she included an extra-thoughtful gift for the teachers.
Inchmark created these dainty little boxes to fill with treats. She used, of all the clever ideas, matchboxes.
Have you found any Valentine's ideas on-line that have especially tickled your creativity?
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>Additionally, my two middle sons share a room, and it's a small one. This means I'm constantly looking for decorating ideas that will make that room seem larger and more efficient.
]]>Additionally, my two middle sons share a room, and it's a small one. This means I'm constantly looking for decorating ideas that will make that room seem larger and more efficient.
As if all that's not enough, my four-year-old daughter has, for several months, been in need of a room fix-up, thanks to an unfortunate (and mischievous) encounter with some acrylic craft paint. Let's just say that new bedding and wall paint were required and leave off the remaining painful details (*cringe*).
I could spend hours checking out decorating ideas for kids' rooms online. Maybe it's because kids' decor seems to allow for extra whimsy and creativity than decor for something as practical as, say, a kitchen. The ideas abound.
This excellent post by Nesting Place offers some very practical advice for decorating kids' rooms (and if you've spent any time browsing her blog, it's clear she knows a thing or two about putting together a homey and beautiful room). I especially love the way she involves her kids in the decision-making process, while still keeping a fair level of control for the grown-ups:
I pick the furniture and supply the lighting and bed linens, they get to do the rest. Right now, my boys have strung Christmas lights and taped up 25 of their favorite race car drawings. They love it and so do I.
Similarly,Little Urbanites provides a list of 12 tips for decorating a kids' room, including the sensible advice of not marrying yourself to a particular theme:
She’s alway steered away from both babylike décor in her kids’ rooms and rooms with a theme that calls for everything to match. “Kids grow so fast,” she says. “By 7, most boys are no longer interested in little trains; they’re already into sports and ‘boy’ stuff.”
I think that's excellent advice. My own experience has taught me to steer clear of "themed" rooms and perhaps point more toward a color scheme. My middle sons, for example, have denim-blue quilts on their beds. I bought them with the full intention of those quilts following them until they leave my house, however their interests change. The simple, theme-free bedding gives us lots of growing room.
There is a giant treasure trove of decor ideas to be found at Better Homes and Garden's Kids' Rooms page (a "special offer" page will pop up if you click that link, but close it down and you'll head straight to the good stuff.) This great article by Jody Garlock is especially helpful for designing a room that will grow with a kid.
Decorating a teen's room is a different project altogether, of course. Teens will want more input in creating a room that is a reflection of their own tastes. I like this suggestion by Suite 101's Kristin Abraham, that parents can use room decorating as an opportunity to learn budgeting skills as well:
So encourage your teen to take an active part in their decorating, in fact parents should really take a backseat and act as helper rather than advisor. This said, encourage your teen to learn some important life lessons by giving them a budget for their decorating project and let them figure out how to work within the budget.
Here are few more excellent blog posts on the subject of decorating kids' rooms:
The Inspired Room writes about creating a memory shelf. This is an idea that's inexpensive and meaningful--not to mention really cute.
Dooce shares a photo essay of her daugher's adorable (and oh-so-organized) room, though she admits it might not stay that way long!
Small Treasures shares a beautiful woodworking project she undertook for her daughter's room.
Remodelista shows how maps can be used cleverly in decorating a child's room.
What are your favorite on-line resources for kids' room decor?
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>Because they, too, are eager for word from home, I've been cutting and pasting all their supportive blog comments into e-mails and sending them back, so they can read all the prayers and good wishes. My sister-in-law's mother, who is keeping their older children, e-mails them daily reports of what the kids have been up to.
Adoption is extraordinarily emotional experience, of course, and for families adopting in a different culture, blogs can provide an important dose of emotional support from family members, friends, and even strangers. With my own thoughts on my brother and sister-in-law, I've spent some time this week looking through the blogs of families adopting internationally, and chronicling their travels for readers back at home.
Two Baby Bos shared an especially touching video of their "gotcha day" on this post, and she shared it as an encouragement to other adoptive families:
There are two reasons I finally decided to share this. Not only would I like other families adopting toddlers to know there's light, big light, at the end of the tunnel, but I'd also like to acknowledge those who spent time with Jaden while she was at SLC, when she first came home and who continue to be an integral part of her life. Each of them had a hand in getting us where we are today, so thank you.
Snippets and Sagas reminisced about their trip to China to get their daughter, complete with photos of the first time they met. They shared about their moving emotions at their meeting:
She was so small, so baby like. And as I looked over at my chicken-scratchings on paper, I couldn't make sense of how "pile of paperwork" related to "she is mine."
It's a wild ride, this thing called "adoption." And out of aaaaaalll the parents that could have been chosen to raise this girl, we were matched up as The Ones.
Carole of The Wardrobe and the White Tree is in Ethiopa right now, meeting her son Abel and bringing him home. She has been unable to access her blog, but she's managed to Twitter some of her remarkable journey (you can follow her here). Her tweets have been heartfelt and profound, including:
I just gave our housekeeper two jumbo packs of pads. She cried, i cried n she couldnt stop saying thank u. I am heart broken.
Went to visit Abel's orphanage, he gave them his ball but was not sad to leave at all. We all cried though meeting the ladies n kids waiting
I am so thankful that we've been able to vicariously enjoy my brother and sister-in-law's journey via blog, text and e-mail, but I'm even more thankful the traveling part of their journey is almost over. We'll meet them--and my precious new niece--at the airport on Sunday. Our family can hardly wait.
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
I'm glad we're on this path. I know there are plenty of parents who aren't fond of competitive sports for their kids, but my husband and I aren't among them. We've seen our kids develop self-confidence as a result of their sports involvement, and the fitness benefits are unmistakable. They've had hands-on experience learning how to be a team member, how to push themselves and how to lose (and win) graciously. It's been a good experience.
With spring soccer season starting to gear up (and by the way, how is that already possible?), these issues have been on my mind lately. I've learned a few things in my years as a sports mom, some of which I wish someone would've told me at the outset.
1. Be involved. When you or your spouse are the coach, you generally have much more say in important issues, such as practice. Best of all, you can set a tone for the entire team, a tone of positive attitudes and encouraging affirmation. It's an excellent way to invest in a kid's life. If coaching isn't a viable option for you, do remember to...
2. ...Choose your coach carefully. The coach's attitudes and methods set the tone for the entire season. If you detect a win-at-all-costs attitude, this should be a red flag. Steer your family toward coaches who are as interested in what kind of people these kids are, not just what kind of soccer players they are.
3. Avoid the drama. As kids get older, and things get more competitive, a certain element of drama and politics can sometimes enter the sports parent scene. My best advice? Lay low. Smiling and nodding politely goes a long way to diffuse drama (this is when being raised a Southern girl comes in handy), and when you continually deflect drama, you'll usually find that ultimately less of it will come your way.
4. Remember why you're doing this. A wise parent will see competitive sports as a chance to build a kid's confidence and teach him or her some important life lessons. It is rarely--I hate to break it to you--the springboard to a fabulous athletic career. I think a lot of the bad wrap that comes with competitive kids' sports could be avoided if parents involved their kids for the enjoyment of it, not because Junior is the next Michael Jordan, Mia Hamm, Michael Phelps or Kristy Yamaguchi. Do it for the right reasons, and along those same lines...
5. ...It's okay to take a break. Kids get burn-out, too. If you sense they're feeling too much pressure, there's nothing wrong with taking a breather. An injury last fall forced my middle son to sit out of the winter indoor soccer season, and it has been a healthy break. He remembered why he loves soccer, and he's more energized than ever to hit it in the spring.
So, all of those tips are pretty theoretical, but there are some more practical things I've learned, too:
1. Bags, bags, bags. In our house, every sport and every kid has its own backback or duffel bag. That bag is the permanent repository of all the necessary equipment, which cuts down on mad dashes out the door on game day. When I launder the soccer uniform, I put it in a large Ziploc bag (to avoid Gatorade spillage, trust me on this one!) and put it directly back in the soccer bag. Everything stays together!
2. The dishwasher is your friend. A lot of smelly sports equipment can be sanitized in the dishwasher. I regularly run swim goggles and shin guards through the top rack, but there are probably more uses you could find. check manufacturers instructions (and proceed at your own risk), but I'm a big fan of disinfecting that smelly gear however I can.
3. Make the kids responsible! In this family, a big part of sports involvement is being responsible for your own stuff. If a kid is old enough to play sports, he's old enough to help gather the gear, get the water bottle in the dishwasher and fold the socks. This takes a load off mom, and, even better, it gives kids a chance to be responsible.
There are bound to be plenty of sports moms reading this, and I'd love to hear your best tips too!
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer, The Parenting Post, and Culture11.
]]>Jennifer Conlin of the New York Times wrote about this ever-more-common scenario earlier this month. Due, at least in part, to fewer job choices in a faltering economy, Conlin reported that that
In 2006, the Census Bureau reported that 3.6 million married Americans (not including separated couples) were living apart from their spouses. In March, Worldwide ERC, the association for work-force mobility, released a report revealing that three-fourths of the 174 relocation agents surveyed had dealt with at least one commuter marriage in 2007, a 53 percent increase since 2003.
She went on to discuss the reality that while economic pressures may drive families to this difficult choice, modern technological advances (Skype, e-mail, etc.) make the physical separation a little easier for some families to bear:
“A couple of hundred years ago a sailor went to sea and you didn’t know if he were dead or alive for a few years,” says Tina B. Tessina, whose latest book, The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart, gives couples tips on how to stay connected, which include making use of the latest technology.
Nancy Jamison of Jamison Consulting reflects on how such technology is benefiting not only families in the corporate world, but in the military one as well:
Outside of corporate life, feel good press pieces have also made much about the use of video for keeping armed services families in touch with each other. This is on top of the fact that troops now have cellphones, which they can often use from anywhere in the world (when allowed) to call home. This in itself has amazed me the most as never before in any conflict have we kept so close to the troops by getting everything from phone calls, to pictures and videos sent by cell phones and other devices.
With or without the technological aids, it's hard to imagine that this scenario is one that families would enter into lightly. Dad reading books to the kids via webcam may be helpful in a pinch, but it's no substitute for the real thing. Many families feel it's a leap they just couldn't make, including Betsy Shaw of MOMformation:
...Leaving the country to pursue career goals, and not seeing your children for weeks, months, possibly even years, is not a choice I think I could make.
Perhaps this is the spoiled, sheltered American in me talking. I realize that many immigrants have been doing just that– working in foreign countries and sending money back to their families to keep them fed– for decades, not to mention active military members, but it’s a concept this child of the sixties and early seventies can’t easily grasp.
It's a valid point. I agree with Betsy , knowing the dynamics of my own marriage and family, that this option would be unthinkable for me. But perhaps it's unthinkable to me because it's not required of me, and it doesn't appear that it will be any time soon. Families have had to make tough choices for generations, long before webcams made it seem more palatable.
When Rachel Emma Silverman of the Wall Street Journal Juggle (a blog geared entirely toward handling work/family balance issues) addressed the topic of commuter marriages, commenters reacted strongly, with a majority of them expressing their own discouraging experiences with the arrangement. One wrote:
My DH and I subsisted in a commuter marriage for 5 years back when we were in academia (it is very very common in academia because it is so hard to find jobs in the same geographic location). It was horrible and we would have to be on the brink of losing everything before I would do it again. The person doing the commuting (in our case, it was me) always feels like a guest.
Anissa Mayhew puts a very personal face to commuter marriages in her post "Getting to THAT point." A job opportunity for her husband required that he moved, but Anissa, for many reasons, including having a daughter with cancer, made it seem more sensible for her to stay behind with their support network and already-established medical care. It was an arrangement that was supposed to be short-lived, but it has grown into twelve months. Anissa reflects back with great honesty about the toll it took on them:
We were doing it. We were drifting apart. I would talk to him about something and we’d both realize that he had no idea what I was talking about….we’d have whole conversations about people that, as far as I knew, were totally fictional characters in the life of Pete.
Now that the "commuter" portion of their relationship is drawing to a close, and they're once again preparing to live in the same home, Anissa feels that she has made the right choice:
We want to be a family again and as hard as it was to reach this point: I’m ready.
I had to jump through over some mighty large hurdles of selfishness and put the kids and Peter and our family before my neurosis and you know what? Once I did, the decisions made themselves and I know it’s R.I.G.H.T.
My excitement at a big new shiny house is nothing compared to knowing that I’ll be sharing that house with my family as a whole again.
Times are changing, both economically and technologically, and if the trend the Times reported on continues, more families will face this issue. "Ellie", a commenter on the WSJ piece, and in a commuter marriage herself, made an observation that seems common to families in this situation:
If big issues crop up we’ll just have to deal with those as best we can.
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer, The Parenting Post, and Culture11.
]]>I say it all day. It is one of many hopes for my children, that they will see a problem and apply common sense and creativity. I hope they'll work to fix things instead of sitting and being mastered by a challenge in front of them. When they come to me with a problem that they can, I know, fix themselves, my response is the same: Be a problem solver. What can you do about this? How can you make this better? Think it through. Sometimes they need some urging, and I provide a few prompts. Sometimes the problem is big enough that it really is beyond them, and when that's the case, I take the lead. But I never want to let my own natural tendency to "fix things" cheat them out of opportunities to solve problems themselves (and the personal satisfaction that comes with that).
That's not always an easy thing for a mother. I once heard a parenting author say that the best parents are the ones who work themselves out of a job; in other words, they raise children who can take care of themselves. It's a thought echoed in this excellent post by Robin McClure, entitled "The Unnecessary Parent". In it she lists several important principles of raising responsible kids, urging parents to give their kids responsibility even at a young age:
Parents sometimes "enable" their kids to remain dependent or incapable of performing certain life skills long after they should be able to do things for themselves. Of course, parents aren't trying to be mean; quite the opposite. But the more that parents do for their children, usually resulting from acts of love, the more they are reliant on others. The preferred course of action is to start instilling responsibility as soon as a child can be old enough to understand the concept.
Kelly Curtis of Pass the Torch (and author of Empowering Youth: How to Encourage Young Leaders to Do Great Things) addresses the same issue in a guest post for 5 Minutes For Mom. In it, she gets specific about the ways she's raising her kids' responsibility levels on their birthdays, to match their growing abilities. She talks about how their allowances stay in line with the work they're expected to do:
Although it’s more of an art than a science, we are able to work it out, and our daughter (who is two years older) claims two more jobs than our son, earning $2 more than him weekly as well. Each year when their chores increase, their allowances follow suit.
Carol of SheLives came up with a very creative way to encourage independent thinking with her kids. When her teens continued to clean their rooms in ways that were below reasonable standards, she gave them the responsibility of doing their work, and then inspecting their sibling's work:
So, back to reality. . . If an area did not meet my standards, the inspector AND the inhabitant of said area would both be denied privs for the rest of that day.
Empowering her kids with this additionally responsibility has worked beautifully for their family.
It is, as Kelly said, "more of an art than a science". No doubt we'll all over-step (or under-step) in our quest to train responsible kids. But I aim to err on the side of urging my kids to think and solve and try. When I work myself right out of a job, I'll know I did that job well.
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>The book suggested a very structured schedule, with promises that any baby would naturally fall into this rhythm. It painted “demand feeding” as a very negative thing. And I, being a first-time mom, terribly unconfident, and eager for something structured and quantifiable, bought into it, wholeheartedly.
It was a disaster.
The first three months of my firstborn’s life were filled with frustration for me (and, it grieves me to admit, for him too, I would imagine). He was supposed to nurse for 30 minutes! Without falling asleep! And then play contentedly for a few minutes! And then fall asleep, on his own, without rocking, naturally awaking for his next scheduled feeding! But it didn’t work that way. Hadn’t he read the book?
More out of frustration than wisdom, I abandoned the “system” when he was three months old, and a remarkable thing happened. My son directed himself toward a very predictable schedule very quickly, one that suited his own personality, metabolism and sleep patterns. It wasn’t the one the book said he should follow, but it was his. He was a routine and healthy eater and sleeper, but on his own little terms.
I profoundly regret that I let myself get so blinded by the importance of a schedule during his first few months. Honestly, my earliest memories of his newborn days carry a tinge of sadness that I allowed so much frustration to enter the picture. We still had plenty of sweet times together, of course, but I suspect I missed many, too. My nursing experience with him was difficult, hindered (I believe, in retrospect) that I didn’t embrace demand feeding. (And since then, the American Academy of Pediatrics has issued a warning against this very system.)
With my subsequent three babies, I thankfully had enough sense to relax and learn their own rhythms. I still believe it’s healthy (and convenient) for moms and babies to move toward a general schedule. But—and this is the number-one piece of advice I’d give any new mom—trust yourself enough to know your baby. Listen to his rhythms, find out what he naturally responds too. Maybe he’s the sort that craves sleeping in long chunks. Maybe he’s not. Maybe she is naturally wakeful first thing in the morning, or maybe she’s most alert before bed. Watch your baby, and adapt accordingly.
Most of all, trust your instincts. If any parenting "system" you follow seems to inject only frustration and heartache, then that may be a red flag. Seek out a wise parenting mentor or pediatrician, and find the resources and encouragement that best suit your family.
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
]]>Audra of Land of Aud, for example, has this to say about PBS's Caillou:
Am I the only mom who forbids her child to watch Caillou? I seriously can not stand that cartoon. It makes no sense. The kid whines non-stop and the mom is always cheerful and ready to explain every last little thing to him.
But what about the preschool shows we love to love? Especially in the last ten years, thanks to a shift often credited to Nickelodeon's Blue's Clues, preschool has become more interactive and engaging, offering some options to parents (and kids) that are wildly popular and entertaining.
Amber of A Classic Housewife lists her family's top ten list, including this observation about Disney's Charlie and Lola:
L.O.V.E. it. First, this was created from a book series. My kids like the books and I like that the show and the book series encourages them to read more. Secondly, I love that they kept the animation looking like the illustrations you find in the books. Thirdly, I adore Lola. Lola is the embodiment of 4/5 yr old girls. She’s alot like my own 5 yr old girl. Fourthly, I enjoy listening to my kids copying Lola’s British accent. But the BEST PART, hands down, is that Charlie models the ideal older sibling, the way that I want my kids to treat each other, especially the older ones when the younger ones are just down-right annoying. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but kids copy what they see and it would be nice if they copied Charlie. I’m just sayin’.
Another clever preschool programming option is PBS's WordWorld, which is actually my own daughter's favorite. It's been getting critical acclaim from educators and parents alike. An Island Review had this to say:
What I liked best about this show is the way they teach word recognition. When the letters are put together and the word comes to life, the visualization helps to reinforce it. I think this is so important in the learning process.
Close Academy offers a very thorough list of preschool TV favorites, offering the following additional suggestion:
If you do not want your children to be exposed to commercials then I would buy dvds for shows that are on NickJr and Disney.
Preschool television viewing is not without its conflict for parents, of course. Our Life Upstate addresses this dilemma:
I mean you wake up in the morning and need to breathe so you put on PBS. It is all good programming and you really need the kids to be busy so you can get settled. If your kids are like mine they are up at 7am. Starting at 7am there is five and a half hours of good shows on. So, when does it get turned off. You get busy doing laundry,paying bills, cleaning the bathrooms, etc and let them watch tv while they eat breakfast. The next thing you know it is 10am. So, when does it get turned off. At 10am, but that is Sesame Street. It's educational. So, you let them watch, right? Who wouldn't? And even if you turn it off after that you realize that you have just allowed your child to watch four hours of tv.
Daddy Diary advocates vigilance in what we let our preschoolers watch but offers another, positive view of preschool TV:
By comparison, our kids are glued to the cable channel Noggin, which bills itself as "It's like preschool on TV." All of the shows are excellent, educational and promote learning. No violence. No mayhem. No high-speed chases. Lots of love, and lots of great stuff.
I'm inclined to agree. I think that preschool television, used wisely and in moderation, is a very visual way to reinforce what we're teaching our kids away from the TV. My own four-year-old daughter rarely watches more than an hour a day, but I've seen her already apply some problem-solving skills (thanks, at least in part, to Dora) and some phonics (courtesy of WordWorld).
What about you? What are some of your favorite options for preschool television viewing? How have you gone about establishing limits for your own kids?
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
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