Laura Young's blog

Is There a Buddha in the White House?

2008-07-26T11:19:15-05:00

I read A Path with a Heart by Jack Kornfield several years ago and one story that never left me was a Buddhist exercise in which you are to imagine that everyone around you, from your friends, family and coworkers to the person next in line at the grocery story, is an enlightened Buddha and they are all trying to teach you something.

The game is to imagine that you are the only one who doesn't "get it" and your task is to learn the lesson the Buddhas are trying to teach you.

This is easy to do when someone performs a random act of kindness. Some stranger pays your toll on the highway and you think, "Oh, what a sweet Buddha, teaching me about kindness. How nice. Come here, little Buddha, let me rub your belly, you crazy kid."

But what about selfish and irresponsible people? A while back I saw a man driving like a nut in Chicago. This is hardly news. He was on his cell, swigging coffee and speeding as he wove in and out of the surrounding traffic. Being a Chicagoan myself, my instinct was to drive like a bigger nut so I could catch up to him and give him a good "talking to" with a few eloquent gestures.

But, I didn't. I was thinking about Jack Kornfield's story and I suddenly saw this driver differently. In a flash it came to me.

"Oh, that is what I look like when I am being impatient, selfish and oblivious to my impact on others! That's what I look like when I'm an overworked, stressed out speed demon adrenaline junkie. Interesting!"

The fact is, probably just like you, I have been all those things at one time or another and allowing myself to own that changed my perspective completely on this man. In truth, he was not that different from me. My lesson was to try and keep that awareness because I did not want to look that way anymore.

Intrigued by this concept, I started to practice this mindset in all kinds of situations.

See a loving couple holding hands in a park? "Oh, that's what I look like when I am in love."

See a musician perform brilliantly? "Oh, that's what I look like when I am in flow."

See a man's veins bulging from his neck in the midst of a tirade? "Oh, that's what I look like when I am so angry I can't see straight. That's how it looks when I don't feel heard or when I am trying to dominate by force."

Reflections of all of our possible human experiences are around us every where we go. Turning one's eyes to the world stage, however, it is a completely different matter to imagine what a corrupt politician or a suicide bomber is going to teach you about enlightenment. When we hear about both devastating and inspiring events on the world stage, let me suggest that the human story behind them contains all the same lessons that our more local Buddhas present to us, with the volume turned way up.

Consider the prevalence of looters, terrorists, murderers and rapists during war time. What part of their experience have you shared some part of? Anger? Fear? Selfishness? Misuse of power? Disrespect for human life? Greedy grasping for as much crap as you can haul away with you? Have you ever been so angry at someone that you frankly didn't care how they felt about you or your actions? Have you ever wondered what you could get away with if the law were seemingly powerless to deter you, even if it were just stealing a pack of gum? Have you ever believed in something so strongly that you would stop at almost nothing to get your point across? Have you ever found it difficult to stop yourself from having the last word in an argument when you are certain you are right? What potential power do you possess, for good or ill, when you passions are stirred?

Very often when we are in disagreement with others our emotional reaction makes it extremely difficult to avoid escalating conflict. In the heat of anger, very few people are able to step outside of the energy and get curious about why people do what they do. When we feel ourselves to be in the morally superior position, few of us stop and say to those we oppose, "Wow, that's interesting, I hold the exact opposite view. Tell me more because you are blowing my mind and I want to figure out what the world looks like through your eyes. "

I know, this all sounds terribly idealistic and touchy-feely. Nothing could be further than the truth. This is fierce communication and it is considerably harder to do than it is to write about. Seeking understanding and practicing non-violence is the height of courage and takes tremendous strength of character to embrace. It is far easier to simply listen for the errors in those you disagree with, waiting for the point where you can jump in and prove, in ever more colorful and empassioned language, just how wrong the other guy is.

It is the easiest thing in the world to make someone else wrong. It is the hardest thing to make them right and to recognize that part of your enemy that is you.

We prefer to see the best of ourselves reflected in the best of those around us. We want to identify with those who are doing good and attempting to make a difference in the world. What are they reflecting that you share some piece of? Compassion? Love? Selflessness? Desire to help? Drive to make a difference? Nice things to identify with to be sure. Easy to feel like a patriot when you feel proud of those who are representing the best your country has to offer. That sense of kinship is incredibly powerful.

But what about the President? Is he in you, too? Many of us would rather admit to having an "inner child" than an "inner Cheney" but is it that simple? Have you never attempted to hide or cover up something you have done or failed to do in an effort to save your status, power or reputation? Have you never been a bully or misused a power? Have you never been cocky or felt yourself superior and beyond reproach?

There is nothing in Bush that I want to see as a reflection of me and nothing I am saying here is intended to be an excuse for any of his behaviors. I do believe, however, that it is dangerous for us all to view anyone as so "other" that we miss the opportunity for growth they present us. I don't want to identify with deceitful politicians, or terrorists, or looters, or rapists, but, I have certainly experienced anger, outrage, fear, selfishness, greed and jealousy in my lifetime. It's just a matter of degree. If I cannot recognize the seeds, no matter how small, of this negative potential in myself I cannot truly hope to be an influence for positive change. It's a slippery slope when we fail to look at ourselves squarely in the mirror and acknowledge those parts of ourselves we prefer not to see.

While we are debating what could or could not have been done to prevent the many disastrous events we have experienced as a nation during the Bush administration let us not forget to learn the lessons inherent in these events for each of us. Let us check our own hearts and make certain we are doing what we can to root out the causes of such devastation and dissension in our own hearts and minds for the sake of preventing future disasters and truly promoting peaceful relationships abroad as well as within our own neighborhoods.

Bad People, Good Lessons: Are Spiritual Teachers Really Everywhere?

2008-07-25T08:50:12-05:00

One of the most challenging (and controversial) perspectives of the "we can learn from everyone" variety, is acknowledging the profound growth that can come from NOT getting what we need from others, let alone being victimized by them. There is no shortage of stories detailing terrible crimes, tragedy and injustice every where we look, both on global and personal scales. And, in the American psyche at least, we often want to be able to ascribe blame and enjoy some sense of justice (and compensation) in the wake of a traumatic experience. In no way am I suggesting that this is wrong or inappropriate. It is not my place to judge what someone else feels they need in such circumstances. The fact is, seeking justice and/or compensation is simply a variation of the hard-wired instinct common to us all to defend and protect ourselves. Survival is a good thing to value!

While we are involved in our various fights to "make things right" however, I'd like to encourage us all to take a larger view so that we can also use tragic circumstances as opportunities for growth. This is extremely hard work I am suggesting but of the utmost importance if we really hope to advance as a species in terms of wisdom, compassion and the creation of harmony in our lives.

I read a very interesting account recently of an interaction between Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and a "channeled" guide. Essentially, the guide told her that when s/he next incarnates, s/he want to die of starvation as a child. Needless to say, Kubler-Ross was dumbfounded and said something to the effect of, "Are you freaking nuts?!" The guide's response?

"Elisabeth, it would enhance my compassion."

Whether or not you believe in Kubler-Ross's "channel" you have to admit, this statemet gives one pause. Many Eastern spiritual traditions hold that the true purpose of life is to further our spiritual growth as individuals which in turn promotes conscious evolution for all humans. Belief in reincarnation, however, while a cornerstone of this philosophy is not required for you to benefit from this general outlook.

If we think purely in terms of living an ethical, moral life, our thoughts will inevitably expand beyond our own immediate concerns to the needs and positive growth of others. Admittedly, for some of a more clannish mindset, "others" may only extend to one's family, neighborhood, or ethnic group, thus placing a ceiling on how high their human consciousness and potential for a harmonious life can go.

For those who are sincere in wanting to develop themselves more deeply on a spiritual level, however, willingly bumping up against our own boundaries and consciously challenging them can yield rich rewards. Hard won, no doubt, but extremely valuable.

It is easy to be loving and generous in good times and when surrounded by loving, generous and fulfilled people. Much harder when we see injustice and selfishness around us. It is very difficult to resist the dominant culture around us, whether it is positive or negative.

Think you aren't all that easily influenced by others? Think about that next time you are at a restaurant and ask someone else what they are having while you try to decide on your meal. We are social animals and we gravitate toward the group norm, sometimes in very subtle ways.

Action you can take:

If you are looking for suggestions for journalling or contemplation consider this: If you can uncouple yourself (with some effort) and entertain an independent outlook (to whatever degree you can manage) you can start to challenge your own boundaries and beliefs. You can start to ask yourself questions like:

"Is it really true that I 'can't understand some people'?"

"What criteria am I using to determine who is lovable and who is not?"

"Where is that line that, once crossed, tells me someone is unredeemable, unworthy, unimportant? Do I have different lines for different genders, races, income levels or attractiveness?"

Feel free to add your own...

And when you come to that point on your continuum that you can say, with surety, "This person is corrupt/bad/evil" take the time to reflect on their legacy. What good did their evil call out in the rest of us that we, right now, even in our smallest acts, can still build upon? What potential for darkness in you did their malevolence shine a light upon that made you consciously choose a different way to live? In the face of heartbreaking tragedy, what gratitude for your own live can you embrace more consciously?

I may not be saying anything to you that you haven't heard before but I ask that you approach these questions with a sincere dedication to answering them. Plumb your own psyche for where you really stand in this complex play of human triumph and misery.

What happens when you take away that luxury of "safe distance?"

Are Your Relationship Problems Your Parents Fault?

2008-07-24T10:13:53-05:00

I recently surveyed my blog readers to get their thoughts on a few topics. One items asked what question readers would ask me if we had the chance to sit down and talk openly and freely. One of the more interesting (and brave) questions I got was from my sister who wanted to know if a history of infidelity in our family history led me to have a similar history in my first marriage.

My husband's reaction? He nearly peed himself laughing. My sister, meanwhile, was in knots over whether she offended me with her audacious query. My reaction?

Great question! And one I have often pondered.

My short answer is, "I'm not sure, but it sure looks like a karmic rollout to me."

I have a multigenerational line of marital unfaithfulness (not unlike a few, possibly many, of you, I might imagine), with tragic consequences in at least one instance. And, yes, I followed suit in my first marriage. Was that the result of karma or was I simply subtly socialized to think that behavior was okay?

Do questions like this diminish my responsibility for my actions or do they shed light on them?

Taking note of the family history of issues you find yourself struggling with does change your relationship with them. Yes, you could, if so inclined, simply poiint your finger and blame your parents, ancestors, or the Fates for your struggles. I hope you don't.

If you sincerely want to get a handle on your life where dysfunctional family patterns are concerned, you certainly can start by reflecting and acknowledging that you may well have been under the influence of powerful energies that tipped the balance in favor of you acting out this family pattern. It is possible the nature of the energies was such that you may not have even have realized they were working on you. (In my case, some of the family line were deceased before I was born, but I still was impacted by their stories.)

Once you've considered all this, remember:

Feeling yourself to be under the influence of "family karma" does NOT relieve you of responsbility for your actions.

In fact, it raises the level of importance that you DO take responsibility. How much of this weight is the next generation supposed to carry, after all? It doesn't matter if you have kids or not. Family energy can ripple in all kinds of directions. It would be naive and irresponsible for me to believe any negative pattern of behaviour on my part would have no effect on my nieces and nephews. They look up to me and I care about them.

You don't decide if you are a role model, the ones looking at you decide that.

Action you can take:

In your journal, write the chronology of this issue you are facing (infidelity, addiction, early loss of a loved one, etc) as you are aware of it in your family. Do this as objectively as you can, steering clear of blame and bitterness. Who knows where the first sin occured? (Okay, Adam and Eve, we'll blame them.) You are simply tracing a thread in order to understand it. Is it a thick or thin thread? Long or short? Who tried to resist its pull and succeeded? Who tried and failed? Who gave in? How did the thread change as a result of how people responded to it? Did it get stronger or start to fray?

Your relationship is with the thread. Take everyone else out of the picture right now.

What do you want to do with the thread now that it is running through your life, as well?

If you are sincere in wanting to break the thread:

What kind of help will you need to do so? In what way is the thread seducing you? What does it represent? What pain comes with resisting it? Who do you need to recruit to help you?

All that insight is great. Now, when will you begin?

The Graveyard Shift

2008-07-23T11:26:43-05:00

"Grab me some water, would ya? How are you doing?"

Michael and I had arrived at the graveyard and were moments from exiting his van to visit his chosen burial site.

"How do you think I'm doing?" I asked, holding the water bottle to his lips. I find keeping my hands busy and his mouth occupied with food and drink is an excellent way for me to ease myself into challenging conversations. You have to learn things like this when simple questions like, "Can I ask you a question?" are met with a sincere "Can you handle the answer?" My lame attempts at avoidance don't fool Michael for a second, but the gestures give me comfort nonetheless, and he indulges my little game.

Helping me out, he took am extra long drink, never taking his eyes from me.

"I don't know. Tell me."

"Well, I don't know either."

He accepted that answer because it was true.

"First I want you to listen to this." He indicated that I should play the tape he had cued up on a talk by Wayne Dyer. What he played deserves it's own blog post, which will follow shortly, but for now I can say it set the tone for what was to follow. Michael led me to his gravesite, which lay at the foot of his mother's. At his request I placed a wreathe for her and then I offered to clean away the evidence of the Canadian goose migration which had soiled the stone.

Despite my wiping the marker clean I found when I returned home that I couldn't, for the life of me, recall seeing any last name on the gravestone. I could remember the years of birth and death, I could recall her first name, her middle initial. Even "Wife, Mom, Grandma" and the engraved image of the cross with two angels kneeling in prayer beside it. My mind, that day, simply would not register "Schwass" carved in granite.

I sat on the ground which he reserved for himself the day after 9-11 and then laid back to reflect on the oak branches arching over the site.

"I'll give you some time here." Michael began to make his way to the large statue of Mary, whose outstretched arms encompass this section of the cemetary. After some moments I sat up and watched as he made his way, slowly, over the uneven earth peppered with grave markers, trying to minimize the jostling of his aching, November-chilled frame.

As always happens when I am with Michael, I am aware that my time with him occurs on two levels. There is the gross level of the senses, which get bound up with the emotions of the moment and have no apparent end to their creative ways of dealing with them, as evidenced by their blatant refusal to see his last name on the gravestone. These emotions that have tortured me endlessly and have tried many times to make a project out of saving him from his suffering (read: my suffering) and ultimate death (read: my further suffering).

But, through relentless dedication to learning how to recognize and take responsibility for my emotions and inner turmoil, I have been increasingly aware that another calmer part of me is able to take in everything around me for deeper reflection later. This visit to the graveyard was no exception.

As I watched Michael inching his way to Mary, even with teary eyes, I was aware of just how much I love his being. It's very unique for me, what I feel. I can only describe it as kaleidoscopic. I love my husband as a husband and a friend. I love my brother as a brother and friend. I love my nieces and nephews as nieces and nephews. Those all feel clear for me, and the love may be huge but it also has a sense of definition, a sense of relationship to it. With Michael, I can honestly say that sometimes I look at him and he feels very much like a son to me. I mean this literally. By contrast, I have been able to see the "little boy" very clearly in my husband many times, but he never feels like he is my son. Probably makes the shared bed arrangement less complicated, so I'm not weighing one against the other! Other times Michael feels like a brother. Sometimes like a beloved teacher. He feels like a childhood friend in the strongest way, even though I was nearly 30 when we met.

Sitting by his mother, I looked out at this son of hers, son of ours, who has grown to be quite an extraordinary man and all the pain of facing the loss of him started to dissipate. It would take another full day and much reflection for the rest of my emotions to catch up, but it is undeniable that my love for him brings me joy, not sadness.

My sadness comes from wanting to extend what we all know is temporary: our earthly connection. The sadness comes from denial and my outright refusal to "love what is" as Byron Katie would say.

I couldn't quite name the shift and the feeling that came over me watching Mike from a distance but the next day, reading Yogananda's The Divine Romance, I found it encapsulated in his discussion on friendship in the chapter, "How to Cultivate Divine Love."

He states:

"Love cannot be had for the asking;it comes only as a gift from the heart of another. Be certain of your feelings before you say to anyone, "I love you." Once you give your love, it must be forever. Not because you want to be near that person, but because you want perfection for that soul. To wish for perfection for the loved one, and to feel pure joy in thinking of that soul, is divine love; and that is the love of true friendship."

It's a fierce journey to get to this place with another person. It's been hard won for Michael and I, I can assure you. I can also tell you that it is a treasure without price. May you all have the courage to cultivate such friendship in your own lives and blessed to find someone equall up to the task. Nurturing one's capacity to give and receive true love, I fully believe, is the only way to fully face the reality of and conquer the fear of death.

Actually, I no longer have to believe it. I know it.

I returned to the cemetary by myself two days later, to polish the "Schwass" on his mother's gravestone.

On Spiritual Discipline: The Importance of Working with Pain

2008-04-28T12:29:14-05:00

I've been dismantling an old blog and found this post. For reasons not germaine to this topic, I stopped going to my yoga school so my specific practices have changed. While that detail of this post may be different, the meat of this article is, I believe, of critical importance, so I am reposting if for you now. This may well be the most important post I've ever written.

Why, exactly, would I get up and go to a 5:30 am class when I know darn well that I am going to be asked to spend prolonged time in physical discomfort? Wouldn't snuggling next to Melvin-Scotty-Sweet Potato Johnson and listening to the frogs in the marsh give me everything I could ever want and take me where I want to go spiritually?

Yes and no.

Waking up next to the love of my life every day is one of the best parts of my life...running neck and neck with falling asleep next to him every night. And the frogs and the spectacular wood ducks in the marsh and the bursting forth of a million trout lillies in my yard definitely feed my spirit. Many things in my life get me high...and soon meditating on the roof season will be here full force and I'll be even higher.

What those things don't teach me is how to live with and work with pain. Pain is a part of life....physical, emotional, spiritual...it is going to be part of your human experience.

In the U.S., we do everything we can to avoid pain (and aging, and death, and loss of sexual potency, and and and...). But despite all our efforts and billions of dollars spent to remedy this and that we still have pain. We still suffer loss. We still age and die. Plans get thwarted. The unexpected happens. It's just the way it is.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather face pain with a few skills under my belt so it doesn't kill me. I stand firmly on the belief that you can't increase your physical and emotional strength without learning how to cope with pain (grief, boredom, fear, anxiety, stress, etc. etc.)

One of the best ways to do this is by gradual exposure to pain and learning how to work with your mind.

If I am standing in the Eagle posture and my deltoids are screaming and my mind is tired and it's early and maybe I just don't want to be in one position for 15 or 20 minutes, my mind is going to be fighting me long and hard. I can EASILY say, "Screw this, I'm not coming tomorrow, this is ridiculous, I can't do this, it's too hard..."

But if I can't handle THAT pain, that self-imposed, totally optional, non-lethal, of no consequence to anyone pain how in the hell am I expecting myself to handle REAL pain...the pain of the loss of someone dear to me, or my own health, for example? It's like an innoculation.

So, while I was in the eagle posture this morning (which may go by different names, and other traditions may use the term "eagle" to describe different postures...) this is what happened in my head.

My instructor hits "play" on the CD that has the song we hold the posture to.

"Crap. " I begin my anticipation of pain and assume the posture.

After a few minutes I get some burning and I start to think, "I don't think I can do this as long today. After all, I was here until 9 last night. Three different classes yesterday of tough postures. I really need a rest, I think. I mean, I'm 43. I've been pushing it hard lately. And a couple nights ago I didn't sleep as well. What's the big deal if I put them down for a few moments?"

And while I am thinking this, my arms are still up.

Then I notice, "Wow, my legs feel really strong. Feet are nice and warm. This actually feels good everywhere but my arms."

"But my arms. I just can't hold them up anymore."

And, yet, while I am thinking this, they are still up. "Can't" is just a belief. A belief that is being dispelled every time I find myself saying I can't and noticing that somehow, I still AM.

Then I start to examine the "pain". What is it that makes me feel I can't hold them up? Let me look into this pain.

There is some tightness, some heat, some shaking. Which of those makes me feel I have to put my arms down? Do I have to put them down because of the shaking? No. How about the heat? No, that actually feels okay. The tightness then? Maybe. Maybe. Is it really true I can't hold them up?

Meanwhile my arms are still up. My body is just standing there and my mind is running all over trying to find ways to justify to myself why I can't do this and why it would be okay to let myself off the hook since I was so good yesterday.

And this takes some time. Soon I realize the song which my instructor is playing is about to complete a cycle and I am hoping he will take pity on me because I've been so good. Yeah, we'll probably get to put our arms down at the end of this cycle, I decide.

I start to feel relief (and a decrease in pain intolerance) because I see the end of the torture in sight.

And then another cycle of the song begins and my instructor doesn't so much as look at us, just serenely standing there like he could go all damn day long. Then my mind starts to get angry at him, think him unreasonable and unsympathetic. I want to blame my pain on him but I'm the one who drove in. He's not MAKING me do anything. He's just standing there holding the posture. Doesn't HE know I can't do this for another round of this song? Apparently he doesn't know that.

Suddenly my pain INTOLERANCE grows. My PAIN didn't change significantly between the last 10 seconds of one song cycle and the opening 10 seconds of the next but my tolerance of it certainly did.

This is huge. HUGE.

You can develop higher pain tolerance but it takes work and consistent practice to do so. Mastering pain is really about mastering your mind. There is nothing to master when I am in bed listening to the frogs and hearing my honey breathing next to me. If I could just live like that for the rest of my life in a little bubble where nothing bad ever happened and nothing I cared about was ever taken away, I'd keep sleeping.

That guarantee has never been given to me.

When I was with my mom last week I watched how her anxiety over what she was anticipating was so much worse than her limitations at several points. Of course, she is disabled and needs assistance to manage stairs and get in and out of vehicles but what I saw (and felt as she clung to me) was that as soon as she became convinced she would fall or couldn't do something she panicked, clutched on to me (or my husband) and let go of everything she knew about how to stand and move her body properly to avoid falling. Elvis completely left the building. Because she never fell and everything was accomplished well she was able to observe that her mind was a bigger obstacle than her body.

I don't want to have to learn that for the first time when I have a stroke and my life is completely dismantled. I want to learn it now, so that when something happens in my life I know how to dance with the pain and hold my center.

A couple more real life examples:

I saved my ex-husband's life when he panicked while swimming in the ocean. He just freaked and started to take in water and I had to hold him and swim him back to shore. In fact, I had to do a similar thing at age 10 when I fell through the ice into water over my head with my little neighbor girl. I had taken swimming lessons which included lessons in just this very situation since we many of us lived on the river and our instructor knew this could happen. I got out and she almost did too but then she had the thought that she didn't have swimming lessons like I did so she was going to die. Once she had that thought, she panicked and slipped back under the ice.

Read that again.

Her mind almost killed her.

Literally.

I had to dive in to fish her out of the river. With no more life saving experience than that, but cultivating an entire life that allowed me to work with pain, stress, my mind (through various practices, most notably martial arts) I was able to draw upon life saving techniques I learned as a child in 3rd grade and not panic allowing me to save my ex when I was 27 and swimming in the ocean.

You have to cultivate these skills as a lifestyle. These are skills that can literally save your life, or someone else's if you master them.

THAT is why endure the "largee pain" at 5:30.

And besides, the moon has been lovely at 4:45 am.

For Business Owners: Keeping It Real on the Web

2008-04-28T09:52:50-05:00

Personal development coach, Laura Young covers the three things you need to do if you want your business to accurately reflect you and help you build outstanding customer relationships.

Don't Wait Too Long to Have "The Talk" with YOUR Kids

2008-04-22T10:27:59-05:00

Sadly, my mother waited too long. This is a little painful for me to share, but I just don't want this to happen to you.

Tough Questions

2008-04-16T15:39:22-05:00

I love being an auntie. (And that includes being an honorary one.)

As a childless woman, I never developed the ability that parents seem to have of being able to tune kids out. Nor have I developed the ability to brush off their many questions with quick snappy answers. And because I don't appear to be capable of mastering that skill any time soon, I'm going to have to keep on my toes from this point forward if the kids in my life are any indication.

I only see my nieces and nephews together once a year, if that, so this time is especially precious to me. The last time was two years ago, in fact. The memory of the visit still makes me laugh. After an afternoon of checking out baby toads we went tooling around in my "Slug Bug" and ended up having quite a question fest.

At first the questions went like this:

"Auntie Laura! Guess what?!"

"What?"

"Monkey Butt!!!"

Insert hysterical laughter here....

They then progressed to:

"Okay, would yooooouuuu raaather maaaaarrrrryyyy Sponge Bob or Patrick?!"

"Ewww!"

More hysterical laughter followed by the girls both getting lost in thought and making up songs about being rock stars (in little peanut voices). Before long, Hannah was singing songs about Jesus that she had learned in Vacation Bible School.

As we passed by a housing construction site, the girls commented that those men building all those houses must really need a rest sometimes.

Corinne considered, "But they can't rest because if someone calls them up after they get home and says 'We need more houses!' they just have to go."

Hannah adds, "They probably just say "Oh please God, not another call for more houses! Oh please God, I just need a rest!"

Corinne: "Auntie Laura! Hannah just said something but that's not how you pray!"

That's when the real questions started to come out...

Auntie Laura, how do you pray?

Auntie Laura, how does God answer your prayers?

Auntie Laura, what is Heaven like?

Auntie Laura, when you die, how does God get you to take you to Heaven? Can you see him?

I'm not on the mailing list for that Big Book of Answers to Tough Questions that I'm sure must be out there somewhere so I stammered around and gave answers that left us all very unsatisfied (mumblings about magic and invisibility and kinda like the tooth fairy and that God loves it when we sing and vague trailing off sentences to give Hannah the opportunity to save me by giving Corinne what she had learned from VBS).

This year I've gotten some warning shots...being chosen as a mentor adult by Monique to talk about my views on premarital sex...little ones asking me about God answering our prayers...Jacob pulling me aside IMMEDIATELY upon my arrival to tell me about an "incident" (which was just about an airport fiasco, whew)...and because I am an adult who really LISTENS to the kids (and they know it) I know that I am going to be on the short list of grown ups to talk to when questions get even tougher.

I take my role in the lives of the kids I know very seriously (monkey butts, aside).

This has me thinking about the legacy we are giving them. That I am giving them. What answers am I giving? What lessons am I teaching? What can I give them that will help them for their own journeys.

As my husband Scott said to me later, there were so many questions they haven't asked yet...questions about war...terrorism...policies...bloodshed. Our children here, so many of them, are so sheltered from the world. How do I answer questions about God that will hold up when they get to the point that they can look around them and see what a mess is being made of things in "His Name"?

Can You Learn How to Be Optimistic and Joyful? What Personal Development Blogs and Books WON'T Do.

2008-04-15T15:08:45-05:00

Yeah, it's tax day so you might find this whole topic annoying but when you settle down there is a good read at Psychology Today on optimism, joy, courage and all things dragon-slayery.

Here is an excerpt:

Optimists seem to be sprinkled with fairy dust. They suffer less and recover quicker. They're healthier and better-liked and have stronger marriages and more fun. It's enough to make the rest of us gloomy—except that psychologists believe that a lot of these qualities stem from cognitive habits that can be learned. More than any other major personality trait, optimism is a matter of practice.

The key to increasing optimism lies in understanding its true nature. It's not relentless cheer or "positive thinking." It has more to do with how you behave, says Suzanne Segerstrom, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky in Lexington. "I think an optimistic outlook can be cultivated, but it's even better to cultivate optimistic behavior—engagement and persistence toward one's goals," she says.

While I actually DO have a considerable stash of fairy dust, I could not agree more that maintaining an optimistic outlook is actually a skill that takes practice to develop and discipline to maintain. I happen to be one of those people who springs out of bed EVERY day in a happy mood and I never go to be stressed, angry or irritated in any way. Ever.

Is this because I have a blessed life and no problems?

Um. No. I'm watching my retirement account get smaller by the day and finding myself speechless at how much life is costing just like most of you non-lotto winning types. Things are always needing repair in our aging home for nothing less than $3K every time something needs replacing, my mother was just hospitalized last week with what looked to be a second stroke (turned out to be a transient ischemic attack), a 70 y.o. childhood neighbor was just beaten by an intruder and ended up killing him, I haven't seen my niece and nephew for over a year and my best friend is finding it harder and harder to access necessary medical care, the result of which could shorten his life further.

It's really not that great when you stop and think about it. And yet I am full of energy, optimism, joy and gratitude every day.

Call me a freak of nature if you must but I can tell you without hesitation that this is not some odd genetic glitch that makes me immune to life's trials. And I'm definitely not a Pollyanna type. Being calm and cheerful wasn't entirely my first nature in times of stress. But it is now.

Discipline and a strong, unwavering commitment to the practices that help you cultivate psychological resilience in the face of challenges is absolutely necessary. Even the Dalai Lama meditates. Think about why that might be.

I didn't develop these skills by myself, though. Having a trusted mentor and confidante was essential. An accurate and compassionate mirror to help me see myself. This is not something you will EVER get from a blog, no matter how good the writing. Nor will you get it from a book. You will get it from honest open dialogue in which YOU show up in an active and invested way. You can read til the cows come home and it can still be a passive exercise. You can go away with insight and feelings of validation but true change requires action.

When Your Mom Discovers Your Blog

2008-03-05T17:24:24-06:00

This was posted after my mother, aka "Little Butterfly", had her stroke a couple years ago at a blog that is being dismantled and you know, your mom might find YOUR blog one day, too, and you might want to think that through. I actually had been playing around with writing a book about this and had started to blog it and she found THAT too. That is off the web now, but the truth is she STILL reads my stuff and I do occassionally get a call about some point of history she didn't know, or so she can share her side of things. That we can do this at all is a miracle, so as proof, I offer you this...

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! BUTTERFLY ATTACK!

Okay, not really, but that is only because my mother is quite remarkable.

I will admit I have been completely chicken recently. I wanted to send my mom the link to my blog so she could see all the well wishes after I shared that she had a stroke but then I thought, 'No way, man. She'll find all that other stuff, too, about how angry I was and how I wasn't sure I loved her even and then I'll be toast. No freakin' way!"

So, I didn't say a word.

And then I got this call on Sunday.

A very calm voice on the other end of the phone said "I just want to clear up a couple points of history"...(insert various references to my blog posts here)

Because I know I am totally busted and sure that I am about the be killed, I listen and then, I swear this is true, I try to play dumb. Yes, I am an idiot, but I was a cornered idiot looking for an escape route or maybe I just had a death wish so I said, "Thanks for letting me know. What brought that to your mind, Ma?"

Justshootmenowjustshootmenowdoitdoitdoit.....

Calm voice replies, "Well I found your blogs and I read Little Butterfly. I was on your sites for several hours. Didn't eat until 10 that night."

shootmeshootmeshootmepleasefortheloveofgodjustshootmeaaaarrrrgggghhhh

No shots were fired.

We talked for 2 hours, maybe more actually.

And we talked and laughed and we are so much alike in our perspective.

Here is where she is at with what I wrote basically:

We all have our perspectives. Our perspective is our truth, not THE truth. Maybe no one knows THE truth. Our individual visions change as we get older and learn more so what we think we know at any given time is never the whole story (if we are willing to keep our eyes open and our ears clean).

There comes a time when you just can't apologize anymore and the apologee has to decide where they are going to go from that point...backwards, forwards, same place frozen. The one who apologizes can't make that decision

The one armed monkey is pretty entertaining.

If you are writing an expose on your family, even if you want to attempt to disguise them in a wrok of creative non-fiction, it may be best to stay closer to the truth than fiction. No one wants to find out in a novel that they were a Russian spy or leader of a prostitution ring.

If you can get your ego out of the way and come together with maturity and wisdom you can have very wonderful, enriching conversations, with laughter even, no matter how painful the topics can be. Seek understanding and put defensiveness aside.

In the end, we are all just points of view. In the end, our relationships with each other are simply the ways in which we get to know and understand ourselves. (If we are really willing to look and learn. ) If you really seek understanding, peace cannot be far behind.

We're both kind of curious about where the story is going to end. We're both kind of hooked.

If we can get here, anyone can.