I've been thinking about those boys' parents. When I try to fathom what they must be going through, my throat starts to close off. Even though I grew up about an hour away from the campsite, I don't think I know any of the parents. It doesn't matter. I am a parent, and I know the fear I feel when the weather turns bad and my daughter isn't in the same room with me. It's the kind of fear that makes you think of doing crazy things, like driving into danger to try to get to your child. When I remember this storm, I think of the parents, what they must have gone through waiting for the news. What the parents of these four boys must have gone through receiving the news. To the parents of the boys listed below, I am so sorry for your loss.
June 11, 2008. From Omaha station WOWT:
Three Omaha teens and an Eagle Grove, Iowa teen have been identified as the Scouts who lost their lives when a tornado hit the Little Sioux Scout Ranch Wednesday. They are identified as Josh Fennen, 13, Sam Thomsen, 13 and Ben Petrzilka, 14, all of Omaha and Aaron Eilerts, 14, of Eagle Grove.
In a scenario straight out of every family's Little Book of Nightmares, parents were asked to stay away while rescuers worked to find all the scouts and rangers. Parents gathered in a nearby church.
Moons in Leo claims the Boy Scouts of America are at fault for not leaving when there was a threat of severe weather:
I dare say it would have been prudent for the Scouts to have vacated the camp and gone somewhere safe when they heard severe weather was in the offing, but no. They decided to stay out in the middle of nowhere and see how good their triage training was after a stone chimney in their little cabin collapsed on their heads.
Not everyone feels that way, though. From Principled Discovery:
The next morning, I wanted to throw things at a radio host as he drew suspicion on the camp leaders, accusing them of not protecting the children. As if there is anything you can do when a tornado strikes a campground. All of the boys killed were in one of the shelters near a collapsed chimney. They had taken the only cover available and sometimes there is just nothing you can do.
Could this tragedy have been avoided? Storm Chasers from the Discovery Channel said the tornado was very hard to see due to weather conditions at the time.
Sadly, 4 people lost their lives and 40 were injured yesterday as a rain-wrapped tornado struck a Boy Scout camp near the Hamilton/Monona county line in western Iowa, about 40-50 miles north of Omaha. Since this tornado was concealed by rain, it was likely very difficult to see the funnel approaching, which makes these tornadoes even more dangerous.
Maybe they should've shut down the day before. Probably, actually. But having grown up in Iowa and living in Kansas City, I know that if you cancelled plans every time the weatherman said it's going to be severe weather, you'd never go anywhere from May through October. That's why I'm not surprised the camp wasn't closed down due to a tornado watch in the area. It's probably hard to understand if you didn't grow up with tornados, but they are so hit-and-miss, and most of the watches and even some warnings never result in any funnels. I'm sure there are quite a few Boy Scout administrators and rangers sitting in their offices with their heads in their hands right now, berating themselves for not cancelling that camp. The Boys Scouts of America is not a harbinger of evil. I think they made a mistake, but it was an honest mistake, and one I could easily make every time I decide whether or not to go get my daughter from daycare early because there's a tornado watch.
Some commenters on news stories have blamed the parents of these kids for sending them to camp in the first place. That's the part I really struggle with. I'm by nature completely overprotective. I won't even let my kid go swimming unless my husband or I am there to watch her with both eyeballs, in addition to the trained lifeguards. I force myself daily to send her to school, to let her eat new foods to which she might be allergic, to let her go outside when a mosquito might give her West Nile or she might turn out to be allergic to bees, to trust other people to coat her white-white skin with sunscreen, to let her ride in other people's cars with other people driving, to bounce and jump and dance and run and live without me right by her side, watching, watching, watching.
But I must do this. I must let her live. I must let her out of the protection of my home and my watchful gaze to realize her potential, to become her own person, to grow and achieve. All parents must do this. Sometimes, when we release our offspring out into the world, bad things happen. These things are out of the parents' control, and to the parents of these four boys and all of the boys who were at that camp, I do hope you realize (even if you already know it intellectually) that this tornado was out of your control.
It was out of the rangers' control. It was out of the authorities' control. Tornados are not something we humans can control. Life is really not something we humans can control.
And in this era of blame and litigation, I was touched by the comments to this story on WOWT's site. There were a few naysayers, but most of these comments reminded me of sitting around with the farmers and their wives at an Iowa doughnut shop. Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers. Let's not dwell on the catastrophe, let's dwell on the healing.
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The 1998 Ford Explorer is still kicking at 140,000 miles three years later. Oops.
]]>The 1998 Ford Explorer is still kicking at 140,000 miles three years later. Oops.
Last week, we traded the 2005 Ford Explorer for a Toyota Corolla. I think we actually traded up. The 2005 Explorer had leather seats, a moon roof, power everything, and a third row. The Corolla has cloth seats, no moon roof, and considerably less space. But it does have something very important: a smaller carbon footprint.
It seems we're not the only family to downsize the family car. Julia Bauer of the Grand Rapids Press reports:
Midsize SUV sales nationwide were down 24 percent for the first five months of this year compared to 2007. The decline for May was an especially steep 38 percent, according to Autodata Corp.
Should you do what we did? It depends. We were lucky -- we weren't yet upside down and ended up getting what we owed on our SUV. Consumer Reports has an excellent series on whether or not it makes sense to downsize. Here's a sampling from their blog:
- Don’t rush into downsizing without considering all the owner costs of your current vehicle, including depreciation and finance charges.
- Understand your goals with downsizing (environmental concern, fuel savings, cost savings), and be sure your strategy will meet these goals.
- Realize that the biggest rewards come with the greatest sacrifices, such as transitioning from a large SUV to a small car. At the same time, make sure the new model will satisfy your financial and lifestyle goals for years to come. If you have a family, remember, kids grow and need more space.
- In northern regions, consider using your SUV as a winter-only vehicle, especially if it enables you to buy an efficient, front-wheel drive car, rather than an all-wheel drive model. Be sure to adjust your insurance accordingly.
- Conversely, if, for some reason, you really want/need a large SUV, this could be a great time to purchase a relatively new, low-mileage example. Both new and used SUVs (especially the monstrous ones) are sitting on dealer's lots—you can practically get one for a song.
Some families have taken it a step farther by going back to just one car:
The second car was fourteen years old and was just the extra car. Since we are at home so much, it rarely got used. In eighteen months, we drove it less than a thousand miles. As little things went wrong with it, we just let them go. (Nothing dangerous, just little extras and cosmetic things.) However, when it reached a certain point that there were enough things wrong with it that we had to decide what to do (like the key got stuck in the trunk lock so there was no way to lock the car), we chose to donate it to a ministry that fixes up old cars to sell them. So now we are a one car family. We don’t plan on purchasing a second car unless something in our life circumstances changes significantly.
Some have tried to make a go of just biking, but you know what? That's really hard. From Rachel:
I am so frustrated at this point. I don’t mind riding my bike, but it is hard to pull the bike trailer on a day with good weather. Since Summer lasts a really long time in Houston, to the point where we’re still wearing shorts while others are getting snow, I feel stuck. While my community has good bike trails, they do not connect the “old” and “new” parts of town. This community was built for the car, plain and simple. It doesn’t make things such as going to the store or to a restaurant easy if you’re on bike. As I said, I’d be happy to try public transportation, but it doesn’t exist!
What are you doing?
Want more commentary? Check out my colleague Shannon's post on ditching the second car.
]]>I have no idea what I'm supposed to do if something happens to me. And me is usually the person in charge. And that's scary. Let's educate ourselves.
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I have no idea what I'm supposed to do if something happens to me. And me is usually the person in charge. And that's scary. Let's educate ourselves.
There has been some stuff going around the Internet about "Cough CPR."
Here's the gist, excerpted from what I was sent:
If you experience a heart attack (usually severe pain in the chest, perhaps radiating up to the jaw), you may only have 10 seconds before you lose consciousness.
COUGH. COUGH HARD. LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO BRING SOMETHING UP.
Take a deep breath before each cough, as deep as you can, then cough as deeply as you can. Repeat this every two seconds while dialing 911 or signaling for help.
The benefits listed by the presentation were that the breathing gets you oxygen and the coughing provides compression and circulation. The benefit that occurred to me is that your child (if, God forbid, he or she is with you when this happens) has seen you cough before and will probably not be as frightened by a coughing fit than a parent who suddenly faints after clasping a hand to the chest.
That seems pretty easy to remember, doesn't it?
Unfortunately, the American Heart Association begs to differ:
The American Heart Association does not endorse "cough CPR," a coughing
procedure widely publicized on the Internet. As noted in the 2005
American Heart Association Guidelines for Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation and Emergency Cardiovascular Care, the American Heart Association DOES NOT TEACH THIS AS PART OF THE CORE CURRICULUM IN ANY COURSE.
During a sudden arrhythmia (abnormal heart rhythm), it may be
possible for a conscious, responsive person to cough forcefully and
maintain enough blood flow to the brain to remain conscious for a few seconds
until the arrhythmia disappears or is treated. Blood flow is maintained
by increased pressure in the chest that occurs during forceful coughs.
This has been mislabeled "cough CPR," although it's not a form of
traditional resuscitation.
The AHA suggests, instead, learning the early warning signs and immediately dialing 911. Teach the kids how to do it when they are old enough, but warn them they will be taken away to PRISON if they abuse it. (This isn't necessarily true, but enough stress can not be put on not calling 911 in a nonemergency.)
We all know we should watch our cholesterol and get exercise and eat healthy, but sometimes heart attacks, like everything in the health category, don't play by the rules. Bean's Mom writes:
It's almost a year since I had my heart-attack. They couldn't find any 'reason' for the attack. They just said, "yep, you had a heart attack.' In the chart is sez, 'undetermined cardiac event.'
Yikes. So no, I'm totally not trying to go all Fox News on you and scare you, but since this advice seems fairly easy to remember and is so important, I think it's worth sharing. And while we're at it, here's how to recognize the signs of a stroke:
- Stroke sign #1: Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm, or leg -- especially on one side of the body
- Stroke sign #2: Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
- Stroke sign #3: Sudden vision trouble in one or both eyes
- Stroke sign #4: Sudden difficulty walking, loss of balance or coordination, dizziness
- Stroke sign #5: Sudden severe headache with no known cause
You may have seen that e-mail going around with three tests - just know that while those three tests are good, just because you or whomever you think might be having a stroke can talk or raise their arms doesn't mean nothing is wrong. If you think you might be having or have had a stroke, think of your kids and get thee to the doctor immediately. As in, no waiting. Same day.
Adults aren't the only ones having heart attacks these days, either. Certain kids, including those with high cholesterol and those who have had cancer, are also at risk. From Health MOZ:
It seems unfair, but it has recently been proven - children who survive cancer in early childhood go on to be at a hugely increased risk of heart disease. A 20-year study by the Childhood Cancer Survivor Study has recently been completed, and it has found that those who survived child cancer were up to 10 times more likely to have atherosclerosis, 6 times more likely to have heart failure, and 5 times more likely to have a heart attack than those who had a cancer-free childhood.
Don't be scared, just be educated. Good stuff to have rattling around in the brain files.
For more information, check out Catherine Morgan's recent discussion of the science behind heart disease.
]]>Let me just repeat that: Cervical cancer is preventable.
But there's a hitch: Cervical cancer is caused by HPV, of genital warts fame. So ew, what good girl would want to get tested for HPV? What married woman, what teenager?
After listening to a webinar this week with Marissa Jaret Winokur of Hairspray and Dancing with the Stars and hearing about her battle with cervical cancer (her Pap didn't test positive until AFTER she had the cancer) that left her unable to bear children except through a surrogate, I decided to dig in a little to this whole HPV test thing.
]]>Let me just repeat that: Cervical cancer is preventable.
But there's a hitch: Cervical cancer is caused by HPV, of genital warts fame. So ew, what good girl would want to get tested for HPV? What married woman, what teenager?
After listening to a webinar this week with Marissa Jaret Winokur of Hairspray and Dancing with the Stars and hearing about her battle with cervical cancer (her Pap didn't test positive until AFTER she had the cancer) that left her unable to bear children except through a surrogate, I decided to dig in a little to this whole HPV test thing.
Mothergoosemouse writes:
I’m also not going to debate the stigma of HPV. The statistics quoted above ought to be enough to destroy any remaining stigma associated with the virus, and frankly, cause those who suffer with the “low-risk” strains to thank their lucky stars that they aren’t in the “high-risk” category. Take care of yourself. And your daughters.
Here are some facts:
There are over 100 types of HPV.
15 of them can cause cervical cancer.
12 of them cause genital warts.
30 of them are spread through genital contact.
That leaves a lot of HPV strains that are spread via other forms of contact and have no warts associated with them.
Not all HPV = warts.
Most HPV = no warts.
Warts are the minority in the HPV world.
Most HPV is fought off successfully by your immune system anyway.
Why are we so freaked out testing for HPV?
The bottom line is that HPV 16 is a virus most men and women get at some point in their lives (90+ % of the population, which is why HPV blood tests marketed by some pharmaceutical companies are a bit of a con). You can get it in bed (you can also catch a cold through having sex with someone suffering from one), but you can also get HPV by any form of skin to skin contact - including shaking hands.
I know when I first think of HPV, I think of warts. Warts, warts, warts. EW, yuck. Okay, now I'm over it. Because this is cancer, and it's preventable. Identifying precancerous cells and removing them before they move on to the next stage is possible. The HPV test can apparently identify 13 of the 15 strains of HPV that could cause cervical cancer, enabling your doctor to keep a closer eye on that cervix of yours, since you may never know if you are growing cancerous cells otherwise.
Though cervical cancer doesn't always produce symptoms, they can be:
- Unusual vaginal discharge or bleeding (especially after sexual intercourse)
- Lower back pain
- Painful urination (particularly when there is also pain in the lower abdomen)
- Pain during sex
*Hypochondriacs, do not freak out. Go to your doctor if you experience these symptoms.
As the daughter of a cancer survivor (not cervical cancer), the mother of a daughter and the owner of a slighly-used cervix, I'm getting that test when I go to my OB-GYN this week for my annual visit. (Okay, I forgot to go last year. And the year before. Which is why I'm getting this test!) In fact, I'm taking the pledge on the HPV test site, which means they just donated $1 to The Yellow Umbrella Organization and Tamika and Friends to support cervical cancer research.
This post has been in favor of the HPV test. For me, the jury is still out on the HPV vaccine Gardasil. Don't listen to me on that; read my colleagues' work.
Catherine Morgan's post on Gardasil, the HPV vaccine
Mir Kamin's post on Gardasil
To boot, some women's bodies gain a lot of weight with pregnancy, and some stay stick perfect with skinny arms, legs, and face, and a cute little bowling ball under the shirt. I mean, sure, if you eat a pint of ice cream every day, you're going to gain more weight, but some women can eat perfectly healthily and exercise regularly and still gain 45 pounds with a pregnancy. And that can be rough on the old self-esteem, even if it's for a good cause.
For all of those reasons, I really identified with Rebecca from Girl's Gone Child:
I realize the probability of this pregnancy is that I will put on some weight because (duh!) that's what happens when you're pregnant. And, yes, I have come to terms with the fact that my nose will likely swell and my chin will become plural. And I keep reminding myself that that's okay. That's part of what it means to be pregnant. And of course I'm willing to gain the weight. (Of course!) But that doesn't change the fact that a tipping scale is something I am unable to celebrate, even if it means a growing baby, a healthy pregnancy.
So! Everyone hates the thought of losing the extra inevitable weight after pregnancy, but it's hardest for those of us with extreme body issues. If you don't have extreme body issues, this losing-the-baby-weight thing may be a complete nonissue for you. I applaud anyone who doesn't have body issues. I can't imagine what your life is like, but I'm picturing butterflies and fuzzy bunnies featuring prominently. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
If you are struggling with the thought of holding that extra weight for even one day, I'm here to tell you that you NEED to respect your doctor's orders about waiting six weeks to begin exercise. I don't care that Heidi Klum started working out after four weeks. I don't care that Halle Barry started back up again immediately. I care about your ability to hold your pee until you hit the toilet for the rest of your life. Seriously. From our neighbors down under:
It is important to remember that no matter how fit you are on the outside, it is your pelvic floor and back that you are trying to protect. By going back to sport or exercise before these areas have recovered back to normal after the birth, you can cause problems to develop either now or later in life. These could include prolapse, leakage of urine or back pain.
Read the rest of that page if you want to scare yourself into waiting that six weeks. WAIT THE SIX WEEKS. You'll still have time to lose the weight, and you won't make the mistake I did from just walking up a big hill too soon. Trust me on this one.
The best thing you can do, really, in that first six to eight weeks post-partum is DO YOUR KEGELS, buy yourself some clothes that fit and look reasonably attractive, shower every day and wear lipstick. I am so not kidding about this.
From Kathryn:
Finally, you feel pretty gross for awhile. Even if you take the baby for a walk or even eventually make it to the gym later in the day, getting up and showering first thing wakes you up and makes you feel like a real person. Then, you put on your new clothes and you feel pretty good! Anyway, for what it’s worth, here’s my post-baby uniform (a variation of which I’m still wearing!)
For the rest of the list, click here.
Once your doctor has cleared you for exercise, you can take the gradual approach or take the extreme approach, as long as you tell your doctor what you plan to do and make sure he or she agrees with your tactics. (Remember that prolapse story.) I took a moderate approach. I started walking three miles and doing Pilates the day after my doctor cleared me, and I moved up to jogging that three miles by the time my daughter was three months old. (I had a newborn jogging stroller that held her carseat from Graco. It was the only one of it's kind back in 2004; they are all over now.) She liked being outside, and having had to sit in a stroller while I jogged since she can remember has helped with the fight now, at four, when I'm still forcing it once a week or so until she can ride her bike up the hills surrounding our house.
Whatever you do, start as you mean to continue. I think that's a good rule for anything in life. Take on the amount of exercise you think you can maintain going forward. Your baby will adapt to whatever workout routine you include her in. I did Pilates in 15-minute chunks throughout the day when my daughter was fussy. She has always had to be patient while I do my Pilates or go along with me for my jogs. She doesn't question it now. And my favorite part? She does her "exercises," too. Remember - you're not just doing this exercise and losing this weight for you -- you're teaching your child that exercise and good nutrition are part of life. That's an amazing gift to give a kid in today's world.
I found reading other people's stories was really important. There was part of me that wondered if the celebrity back-to-hot-in-two-weeks was really possible, and maybe I just sucked. Reading real-life stories was really helpful.
Here's one end of the spectrum: the story of an athlete getting back into shape in public.
I agreed to capture my postpartum training days on video in order to show the reality—good and bad—of this humbling time in my life. I started back slowly with an emphasis on bodyweight conditioning in order to rebuild my core strength after the cesarean. Plus, I wanted my pull-ups back so that was my first goal. It was great to return to some old school weightlifting too. I never expected that I would be able to pull 2x my bodyweight off the ground as a nursing mother.
If you're not a fitness expert and want some goals that are a little more reasonable, I like this approach from PunkieMommie:
I have stubbornly refused to adhere to any food expectations or to judge my appetite, even throughout pregnancy as I watched my weight climb to 175. But as I said above, it’s time to get my weight back to something close to what it was pre-pregnancy because I’m not willing to replace my entire pre-pregnancy wardrobe. So how do I go about losing weight. (sic) Yikes. I don’t know!! So I’ve decided on a few things that I’m willing to do, and if they don’t seem to be working in a couple of weeks, I’ll revisit this.
For the list, click here.
Whatever approach you decide to take, have an approach if you want to lose that weight. Some women will lose it naturally, and if you do, that's awesome. It's not as unheard of as you might think. If you're the type whose body naturally holds onto weight, don't fret. But have at it. Do something every day toward your goal. If you're breastfeeding and ravenous, I understand. EAT. But drink a lot of water, too, and once you're cleared, get that baby out for a walk every day. And then, after you've hit the place on the scale where you want to be, keep getting that baby out for a walk. Do it to show him or her that exercise should be a part of life. It's a wonderful gift you can give your baby. Start as you mean to continue.
]]>WHAT?
]]>WHAT?
Apparently, third base is no longer a hand up a skirt. It now means oral sex. And more and more kids are experimenting with it, younger than you'd think. And? It's just part of the mix.
From Slate:
The raw numbers indicate that 50 percent of teenagers aged 15 to 19 have had vaginal sex. Fifty-five percent have had heterosexual oral sex. Are kids substituting oral for vaginal? Nope. Among technical virgins—teens who have never had vaginal sex—23 percent have had oral sex. That number sounds high until you notice that among nonvirgins, the oral-sex figure is 87 percent. If your teenager has had "basic" sex without somebody's mouth being involved, congratulations. You're probably the only such household on your block.
Sound scary? There's more. From WebMD:
"Young adolescents are perceiving that oral sex is less risky than vaginal sex in terms of health risks -- STDs, pregnancy, and HIV," Halpern-Felsher says. "They also see oral sex as having fewer social and emotional risks. They think they are less likely to feely guilty, to get in trouble, to have a bad reputation, or to have a relationship problem. They also felt oral sex is more acceptable. They think more teens are having it, and that it is OK in the context of both a dating and nondating relationship -- a one-night stand in our terms."
As the parent of a four-year-old, I hadn't really given oral sex a thought, but hearing that the bases have changed gave me pause. Are kids having more sex than they did when we were kids? Are they having it younger? Are they having more oral sex than we did? Will it affect their adult relationships? BUT WILL YOU LOVE ME FOREVER?
What seems to be worrying researchers is not so much the oral sex, but the fact that it's catapulted ahead of regular intercourse in the casual-to-intimate timeline. They worry kids are likely to misinterpret what's "normal" in a casual relationship. And, all this oral sex might be a way to both have some fun and stay within the bounds of "virginity."
From USA Today:
Although governmental and educational campaigns urge teens to delay sex, some suggest teens have replaced sexual intercourse with oral sex.
"If you say to teenagers 'no sex before marriage,' they may interpret that in a variety of ways," says Fisher.
So what's a parent to do? What should you say? Here are some resources for parents with adolescent kids. Maybe better read them before you catch your kid rounding third and heading for home.
]]>Let's just say I wasn't very mature. I feared kids, too. I actually tried to convince a doctor to tie my tubes when I was 18. Thank God he had ethics and refused, because here I am writing about mommies and kids all the time. Ah, the irony.
]]>Let's just say I wasn't very mature. I feared kids, too. I actually tried to convince a doctor to tie my tubes when I was 18. Thank God he had ethics and refused, because here I am writing about mommies and kids all the time. Ah, the irony.
My sister, Blondie, and I have had many talks about being childless versus childful, and ever since I became a mom, she's given me the "other" viewpoint. I have to give her credit for helping me find these links. Notes childless Blondie:
When I talked to Shrinky the other day, I told her that one of my local friends was pregnant and that this scared me. I was afraid of the relationship changing. It's happened time and time again. But with this particular friend, I can do or say just about anything and she'll never judge me. It's amazing, really. Her amount of compassion and nonjudgment. So I want to be that way for her. I explained this to Shrinky. I said, "I really don't want to lose her because she has a baby." We went through why I feel this way. I ticked off the names of friends I've lost and relationships that have changed over the years. We agreed that I should try my hardest to keep it in perspective. This is what people do. They grow up. They get married. They procreate. Well, except me. (snickers)
JP went to a "pregnancy party" even though she's childless and single.
Carissa writes wistfully of missing her friends and not being able to relate to their lives:
I have no idea what being pregnant is like and most likely never will – I know what I have heard from my friends or read in a book but not in person. I cannot tell my labor and delivery story or laugh about what my newborn baby is doing now. At some point these friends and I’s seasons will be the same again but for right now they could not be more different and I feel horrible but some days I cannot deal with their season and mine (and I firmly believe the opposite is true some days they cannot deal with their season and mine) – while we are happy for each other and want to be there for each other it is hard to be a true friend and listen and tell your friend it will all work out when you have NO IDEA what is going to happen. There are things we say such as “well I read that..” or “another friend did …” or “I wish I could help more than just listening” – and before you know it if that season lasts long at all you and your friend now just seem to be passing acquaintances.
Some childless women are temporarily childless, if you will, and plan to have kids later on. Others are childless by choice and have made a conscious decision to not ever have kids. And those who are childless by choice are really pretty tired of having their decisions questioned.
Over at The Renaissance for the New Millenium:
By contrast, society treats childless women as suspect. They assume that all women have maternal feelings, that all women yearn to create life. People in general assume that single and childless people are eager to view other’s snapshots of their children and grandchildren, or to have their working day interrupted by a co-worker who brings the newest addition to their family into the office. An assumption is made that childless single women are self-centered, soulless, emasculating creatures concerned only with their careers. And we’re certainly not deserving of time off, though we work as hard as our counterparts with families, and our taxes help to pay for the schools attended by the children of said counterparts.
Julie Maneti is sick of the childful thinking she should have to be part of the village just because she's standing nearby without a baby in her arms:
Hillary Clinton introduced Americans to the notion that "it take a village to raise a child," and while I'm all for setting a good example and enjoying kids, some parents seem to feel that everyone ought to be literally raising their child. That is not the job of family friends. In the same way that I don't pay their bills or mow their lawn, I don't think it's my place to help teach Johnny not to wet the bed. I'm getting a little tired of parents who take advantage of single friends, figuring that our lives must not be as busy, so hey, why not? Parenthood is an admirable job they decided to take on; to this point, I've decided against it. I guess that's why I get mad when they try to dump things on me without even asking.
I have to admit, it NEVER occurred to me when I was single and childless that I would have to participate in any way in my friends' children's lives. Yes. Horrible of me? Or justified? After my daughter was born, I went through a brief hormonal and crazed phase during which I needed and begged for help from everyone in grabbing distance. Four years later, I have different expectations for my childful and childless friends. If you have kids and you're my friend, I admit I probably expect you to discipline my kid. After all, you have practice! And your kid is probably doing the same thing my kid is! But thanks to my sister and my other childless friends, I don't expect them to do anything about or to my child. I appreciate if they let me bring her along when we're together, and I try to spend time with them without her, too. I'm learning to remember what it was like before I procreated. But oh, it is hard.
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My husband made the supreme error of asking my daughter what color she wanted us to paint her room. Me? I would've offered her three colors I liked and let her pick. Oh, husband, you with the open-ended questions, how you make me rue the day I left the room at the wrong time. Anyway, she picked PINK.
I chose a color that is actually not pink, it is actually Sherwin Williams "Romance." (I know = gag.) The only way you can tell is that the room doesn't look totally like Pepto Bismol. However, even light salmon, when combined with a bunch of Disney princess junk, looks really, really pink.
My daughter is in a princess phase. To entertain her during the hours we spend in Lowe's and Home Depot, we indulged her with princess wall stickies. We let her choose where to stick them. We let her hang her princess costume collection on a coat rack my father-in-law made her out of wood and paint that he attached himself, amazing man that he is. We adapted her now-too-short curtains by making a valance out of Tinkerbell pillow cases. We covered all the inherited and beat-up used furniture with Tinkerbell stickies. Things were acceptable.
But slowly, my friends, slowly I am taking back the room. At least until she's old enough to paint it black.
My first stealth move was to buy a little garden fairy at a home show and hang it on string over her bed. A decidedly not-licensed-character fairy. Last week, I hung a print from Kelly Rae Roberts where four princess wall stickers used to be. I discussed what a grown-up fairy this was, what with all the cool mixed-media words on her dress. Hip! Cool! And so not Cinderella!
I'm not sure how on to me she is. My next move will be to replace the old, beat-up, Tinkerbell-covered dresser with a new one that we can't put stickies on because they would harm the finish. Oh, and Huge, Three-Foot Elmo? I've got my eye on you.
One of my mom-of-a-boy friends just inherited a large, racecar bed. For free! What luck! Only it is RED and her boy's room was LIGHT GREEN and it was VERY CONTRASTING. She ended up switching out the curtains and rug, and it was all good, but it's amazing how you can have your color-scheme hand forced when free furniture presents itself. (See Tinkerbell-covered dresser above.)
So...who else is attempting to influence their child's taste? Anyone?
Here's some other random room stuff you might enjoy.
This Room Is Just Really Cool and Not High-End Looking
Crafty Mom Personally Upholsters Teen Daughter's Bedframe
Paint That Covers Up Black Walls (in Case You Let Your Teen Talk You into It)
]]>I always want to yell at people, "GO GET SOME BLACK FRIENDS IF YOU HAVE ALL THESE QUESTIONS. DAMN." but I don't. If they didn't surround themselves in their hygenic-hermetically sealed bubbles and hope that everyone else can please explain themselves. I try to educate instead and sometimes, yes, I do so with a lot of sighing and a mild amount of disgust, but I know they really do want to learn.
I e-mailed Kelly, whom I've known and respected for a while now, to open a dialogue. Here are some excerpts from our conversation about the black and white of today's America.
]]>I always want to yell at people, "GO GET SOME BLACK FRIENDS IF YOU HAVE ALL THESE QUESTIONS. DAMN." but I don't. If they didn't surround themselves in their hygenic-hermetically sealed bubbles and hope that everyone else can please explain themselves. I try to educate instead and sometimes, yes, I do so with a lot of sighing and a mild amount of disgust, but I know they really do want to learn.
I e-mailed Kelly, whom I've known and respected for a while now, to open a dialogue. Here are some excerpts from our conversation about the black and white of today's America.
Rita: I know I've personally said things while pregnant that offended women with infertility problems to the core. I didn't do it on purpose, but I hurt their feelings and was aghast later when I realized how I'd made them feel. I suspect this happens between black and white women, as well. Becoming more aware of other's perspectives is part of being part of the community of women, and specifically, moms. Is there anything a white mom friend has said to you (preferably on accident, as I'm more interested in unintentional hurts than intentional ones) that bothered you from an racial identity standpoint? What might another woman say or do that you felt was subconsciously racist?
Kelly: Most of the things said that hurt my heart and soul are about child-rearing and the assumption that Whites do it "better". This comes when they begin with the traditional "Why do Black people..." or that Black parents don't inherently care about their kids' education.
Rita: This year at BlogHer Business there was a panel on marketing to mommies of color. Kimberly Coleman commented: "If you would've asked me to identify myself before I had a kid. Christian, then black, then woman. Now, Christian, mother, black, woman. Every other blog post I don't say "oh, I'm Christian." It's who I am. And I'm also black." Where does being black fit into Kelly's line-up?
Kelly: One time I heard Halle Berry mention that her mom raised her as a Black girl first and foremost. She knew she's grow up with lots of questions in Ohio as a minority and didn't want her to have identity issues. While my mom and dad simply raised me a girl, I'd have to admit that I identify with being a Black woman. It is ever present in my life and I've realized (to my chagrin) that sometimes I am the only resource for some people.
Rita: You mentioned the best way to understand race is to make friends of other races. What suggestions do you have for women living in geographically homogenous areas? It seems like online friends might be one way to turn. What do you think?
Kelly: I think that depending on the philosophical nature of those parenting kids in geographically homogenous areas, much of this can be done as conscious cultural parenting. For example, do you only read People magazine? How about Ebony as well? Getting your daughter a doll of another culture/color? Reading novels and listening to music culturally different than White mainstream?
Rita: How open are you to being asked questions about race by your white friends in casual conversation?
Kelly: This is an easy question, but one that comes with some resentment on my part. It’s very easy and I’m happy to offer what knowledge I can, but I will object when it reduces me to only that. When asking this question I cannot speak for all Blacks just like I couldn’t speak for all Whites. Nor can they. But I don’t have the type of friends who take me for just that. Acquaintances reduce me when they get a chance and when I retaliate or respond negatively because of the implied insult, then they accuse me of being an “angry Black woman” As a result, the cycle of perpetuating stereotypes continues and the conversation is stalled.
Rita: What is your biggest pet peeve when it comes to race discussion?
Kelly: Probably some of the things I’ve already mentioned with the inclusion of this notation: when beginning sentences with “Hey, Kelly? Why do Black people…” there is an assumption that Blacks are an anomaly.
Rita: There’s been a lot of discussion in the mommyblogging space about marketing to moms, and whether or not moms of color have had the same focus as white moms. You commented on this subject at BlogHer 2007. Anything you’d like to add?
Kelly: Liz from Mom-101 recently sent me something she’d gotten from a media-marketing “professional”. I use it in quotes because when I researched this person I didn’t find much credibility. It was a call to bloggers about race in the media and how people of color are making an impact. AND THEY DIDN’T SEND IT TO PEOPLE OF COLOR. Liz sent it to me because of the sheer irony in their marginalizing those very people they were heralding. That’s been part of the issue all along.
However, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention to you how hurt I am that I am still marginalized as well as other Black moms because we aren’t represented in the new mommyblogging anthology that you’ve edited and I have to ask: Why not? Was there a conversation that occurred in query to where they are and who would be included?
Rita: I think that's a fair question. Actually, out of the 24 contributors, eight are either not 100% caucasian themselves or have biracial children. When I look at the group, I see diversity, which is sort of amazing, really, because when I approached most of my contributors, I'd never met them in person and in fact had no idea what they looked like. I had approached originally a very prominent black mommyblogger for the collection and included her post up until I lost contact with her around the time I locked down the book in preparation to find a publisher. I think the loss of her post was a big one -- her post would've made the collection even better -- but I lost contact with her before she signed the contributor agreement, and it would've been wrong and illegal to publish her work without her consent.
Rita: Do you think people in 2008 have a preconceived notion of a black mom? If so, do you think it’s accurate?
Kelly: Considering my previous answer, I’d have to say ‘no’. Unless that notion is that black moms are invisible. Which I think is proven by the list of mommyblogs being featured in the book. I don’t think people have a positive perception of black moms when it IS mentioned and the “preconceived notion” is that they’re uncaring and poor and don’t make concerted efforts in parenting. Organizations like Mocha Moms help change it, but only if you’re looking. Black moms will seek out other Black moms and they’re the ones doing all the talking. Unfortunately, they’re doing all the listening, too.
Rita: Do you think the media too often lumps race with socioeconomic status?
Kelly: That’s a term that perplexes me: socioeconomic. Where did it come from and what is the evolution of that word? (Seriously, I’d really like to know.) We used to say “economic” and now “socio-“ is attached to it. When I read that word or hear it in conversation I stop to ask, “What sociological group are you referring to because you made the distinction? So I need to know who you’re talking about.” Before I became cognizant of the origin of the word and my own use of it I had someone reply, “Oh. You mean the Black people.” In fact, during that conversation, I didn’t. I meant people in poverty. Due to that, I think we use it as a cover-up in discussing race and are attempting to fool ourselves out of talking about the issue at hand.
Rita: Do you see yourself and other moms like you represented accurately on television? If not, why do you think that is?
Kelly: Perhaps I’m beginning to sound like a conspiracy theory is to blame, but SOMEone (network execs, writers, producers) is keeping that image off television. SOMEone is using it to promote the image of white mothers confronting all the issues and having all the answers. Since Claire Huxtable, I haven’t seen a positive Black mother on TV, and that’s nearly 20 years old. The images promoted are the Crazy Black Bitch (Omarossa), the Manipulative Tyrant (Oprah – but she’s not a mom), The Sterotypical Black Granny (Big Momma, Medea), or The Video Vixen (see: MTV and BET). I realize I named black characters created by blacks, but SOMEone important is green-lighting that stuff. Are they shut down when positive black moms are pitched?
Rita: I know you work in education. Anything you’d like to say about schools and race?
Kelly: With NCLB we’ve created dissention and dishonesty amongst educators who look at their scores and wonder, “Is Student X really Black? I thought they were mixed. Let’s list their ethnicity as something different to change our percentages to show that we achieved more than we did.” Then, we use those numbers to prove that we’re helping the specially educated, the ones receiving free/reduced lunch (poverty), and Blacks and Latinos. The truth is that we are! But that isn’t reflected because it’s based on one test each year and we’re to prove that we did everything to help them when our hands are tied with laws and rules and the fact that we can’t control everything going on in their lives. Nor do we want to! But the responsibility of race (see: socio-economic answer) falls to education and we get the blame for societal ills of POVERTY.
Yet, I know I got my first job because they needed another Black teacher on their roster and I have been insulted by that and resented it ever since someone told me that. I want to be in education because I’m GOOD and I’m BETTER than the other applicants, not because I’m reduced to being “just Black”.
Rita: Why do you think we as a country still struggle with race relations?
Kelly: You’re making me study the word “relate” which I’m taking it from the definition to feel sympathy with; identify with and I suppose that’s the crux. Most people don’t “identify” with race because they aren’t relating to people of color. Something that holds that up is that people have to understand something before they accept it. Isn’t the same true with the gay population? With transgender humans? People have this necessity to UNDERSTAND it and continue to QUESTION it with disdain because their minds can’t wrap around some concept or detail.
Rita: How do you put race discussions in perspective for a young person who has had a different experience and is several generations away from the Civil War?
Kelly: The same way I debate race discussions with anyone: on a case-by-case personal basis. With students, it happens naturally because they are more comfortable with it and they seemingly seek me out as safe, non-judgmental and trusted adult. With teachers, it happens in small circles and very carefully. In my profession teachers want very much to hold students to the same standard and get very put off if it is suggested that they’ve made a decision regarding a student when they feel like they’ve been called a racist. They, like most people, can take constructive criticism about their performance and learn like professionals about their craft, but when you intimate they are racists you are putting them in the category of David Duke and the Klan and then you’re on tricky ground.
We put it in perspective with dialogue. We build a foundation of Americanism by including it in our history books. (note: Lies My Teacher Told Me is a great reference to begin textbook discrepancies and failures). We do it by confronting it daily and not when it’s convenient or safe. We question authority that is wrong, wrong, wrong. We converse about the preconceived notions and we actively seek to stomp it out. To do anything less is to cheapen the importance of it in a country that looks less like a melting pot of blended races and more like a salad where no one ingredient changes the taste of another but sit separately in the bowl and is covered with the slimy salad dressing of denial. We’ve been that salad for a long, long time and it has left us with a bitter taste.
I left the conversation with Kelly feeling like I'd learned a lot from her perspective. I asked her what I thought were fair questions, and she asked me what I thought were fair questions. We get nowhere when we react defensively first without listening to the question. This is a hard subject to discuss, and both Kelly and I are putting ourselves out there in discussing race in this public forum, so I ask that regardless of your opinion, you voice your comments with that same amount of respect.
See all of BlogHer's race, ethnicity and culture blogs.
Other great bloggers from Rita and Kelly:
]]>From the U.S. Copyright Office’s Web site:
How is a copyright different from a patent or a trademark?
Copyright protects original works of authorship, while a patent protects inventions or discoveries. Ideas and discoveries are not protected by the copyright law, although the way in which they are expressed may be. A trademark protects words, phrases, symbols, or designs identifying the source of the goods or services of one party and distinguishing them from those of others.
Recently there’s been a public fight between Dana of Mamalogues and Genevieve of Momologue. From what I can tell, Dana sent Genevieve a cease-and-desist letter because she has trademarked the “Mamalogue” name and Genevieve was using it and has been using it for a long time. Genevieve went to the Bakersfield news with the story.
Dana’s position:
I never tried to prevent anyone's speech, but rather act to protect my proprietary interest in my URL. I've never told anyone that they couldn't blog, but rather am asserting my right to my trademark which identifies my website. That's why companies protect their trademarks.
Genevieve’s position (from the news coverage):
While Hinson said she can understand wanting to protect a trademark, she added “I’ve been blogging here for three years. And I feel like it’s my Internet home. To me it feels like someone is trying to come in and evict me. And not only take my house, but take the car and the furniture. And then make me pay them on top of that in order to do it. It’s not a great feeling.”
What to do, what to do.
Legally, I have to give it to Dana. If it were me, I’d probably live and let live. But legally, Dana has every right to protect her trademark, and so, sorry, Genevieve, I totally understand how you feel, but if Dana wants to push it (and she does), she has the law on her side. You should've trademarked it first. Would I be upset if another blogger showed up and claimed he or she had trademarked my blog title? YES. But, if it could be proved, I'd be out of luck. (I'm sure I've now tempted the Internet gods and a letter will be showing up in my mail at any minute.) That said, I'm aware that other bloggers are out there using that title, and I really don't care.
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about trademark wars in the mommyblogging world. I remember last year Melissa of Suburban Bliss was up in arms over a morning TV show (featuring her) using her trademarked momtini (martini glass with a pacifier in it – I’ve always thought it was quite clever) design without giving her any credit or money. This is what she had to say when the noise died down:
I guess there is a gray area where influence and copying overlap. I wonder if, since I have been able to procure a US trademark for the momtini logo without issue, perhaps someone at Eckler's publishing house was inspired to put a martini glass with a binky around the stem because of my logo.
It remains I don't own the rights to all pacifier and martini glass imagery.
Trademarks are different from copyrights in that you have to really defend them. Copyrights come into being the instant you write down the idea, and though registering them is a good idea, you really don’t have to if you can prove you wrote it down first. Which isn’t that hard to do on the time-stamped Internet. They also apply to photos. Remember Trumangate from Sweetney? That happened with Fox News swiped a photo of her dog from her blog and used it on the air. The Washington Post got in on the action when they heard what had happened, and all hell broke loose.
Sweetney wrote this at the time:
Basically I'd just like some kind of acknowledgment that a mistake was made and that my photo was used without permission, and then whatever the appropriate monetary compensation is for use of similar images during an NFL broadcast on FOX. That's it, honestly.
The larger issue for me is about making sure people -- private individuals as well as corporations -- understand that images put on the web or on the photo sharing site flickr aren't necessarily “fair game” and that laws regarding copyright and ownership still apply on the web.
I think Sweetney makes an excellent point in that people’s photos and words are not to be used by anyone just because they are out there. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to thieve on the Internet, and it’s sometimes impossible to know if someone’s swiped your stuff.
So have we entered a new era of blogging where everyone will suddenly trademark their URLs and lock down their Flickr accounts? Copyright and trademark infringement are certainly not new news. How do they apply to us?
]]>Example a la Cha Cha, who writes of teaching her boyfriend’s daughter to recycle (and it rubs off on the little girl’s mother):
I don’t know that she necessarily gets the global significance of what she’s doing. She’s 4. I think it’s more about the sorting aspect of it. But they usually have a full bin of cycling at the end of the week.
I take a teensy bit of pride in this. But wait! It gets better!
Turns out that the old owners of Mr. Wonderful’s house left a recycling bin in the shed. With The Ladybug being so enthusiastic about cycling, the extra bin went with her to her mother’s house.
Hurray! And so, in honor of the wee ones, our fearless managing editor Denise asked me to catch kids doing the right thing.
First up, yay for Canadians! Schoolchildren pitched in to help buy a section of rainforest to protect it.
Next, kids ranging from an adorable preschooler to a hottie teenager instruct us how to conserve energy inside our homes.
These kids combined recycling with charity by RECYCLING TO BENEFIT HAITIAN ORPHANS.
Want to involve your kids in their world but don’t know how? Check out NatureMomsBlog for environment-friendly activities that don’t all involve popsicle sticks.
The Pink Patch seems to be very targeted toward girls as opposed to women or men. (I almost forgot to type “men,” which makes me sad, as this is clearly a female topic, and why it’s a female topic is another post in and of itself). The targeted teenage demographic does seem to be the main issue for the blogosphere. Well, that and its sketchy medical claims. One blogger writes:
The Pink Patch’s approach is to pick and choose bits of information about various ingredients and slap them together to entice young girls into trying their product. 5-HTP for example, has been studied clinically and does have some evidence it can help with mood elevation. But studies showing a link to weight loss are mixed. And The Pink Patch conveniently fails to mention side effects, like nausea. But perhaps most importantly, all the studies cited in the literature were based on relatively high dosages (100 to 300 mg per day). The Pink Patch gives no information on the dosage of their ingredients so it’s impossible to tell if they are using very low and ineffective levels, or very high and potentially dangerous levels. For more information read this review of 5-HTP from Vanderbilt University.
As adults, we know to ask these questions: How does it work? Has there been research to validate its claims? Is it dangerous? But girls? This blogger questions their judgment:
When I see this page 'WARNING' flashes in multi colored lights behind my eyes, but sadly I'm sure it doesn't do that for everyone. The site is appealing to the lowest common denominator, kids who are so scared about their looks and figure that they will try anything, so I'm sure this has plenty takers. For those doubters out there I'll say 'SAVE YOUR MONEY'. There is no such thing as a miracle cure and anything which pretends to be that is taking money of innocent vulnerable people and SHOULD BE SHOT. The end.
Not only are women questioning the judgment of girls, but also of society at large. What the hell are we doing creating and marketing these self-esteem-destroying products to girls?
Perhaps if we projected a more positive example of a female role model to little girls, stopped throwing those horrendous Bratz dolls at them and started taking note of this alarming trend, I wouldn’t feel so disgusted by a “pink patch”. But I do. It's horrid and it's nasty and I seriously can't believe we even wnoder why we have young girls with eating disorders and who simply aspire to be "WAGs".
The good news (if there can be good news) is that we parents, especially mothers, don’t have to take this lying down. As the primary examples and opinion leaders for our children, our words can be more influencing than a pink, flashing ad. Or so we hope:
Parents, talk to your daughters about the uselessness (and possible risks) of the Pink Patch. You might want to read the ads with them and point out how they are preying on women's body-image issues.
Unless you are one of those parents who would use the Pink Patch yourself.
One MySpace-using mom tried her own offense. She bought an ad targeted at the Pink Patch demographic telling girls to love their bodies instead of attaching little pink Post-Its to them in an effort to look like Victoria Beckham.
I bought an ad: