Morra Aarons Mele's blog

A mother's stark choice: foster care or providing for her child and serving her country

2009-11-19T18:43:15-06:00

What if a white male single dad had a 10 month-old, adorable baby boy. Say his wife had died tragically and he had no extended family….The dad was in the army, and he was deployed to Afghanistan. The dad had nowhere for his baby to go while he was deployed… what would happen? I bet that baby would not go to foster care.

Blogger Julie Kang really shifted my thinking on the case of Alexis Hutchinson, the 21 year old Army Specialist who did not show up for her deployment to Afghanistan because she had no one to care for her 10 month old baby Kamani. Julie writes, “…hello! I think there would be an even BIGGER furor if a single dad (and for the sake of argument, make him a single white dad) had his child taken away, not because he was defecting, but because he needed more time to find another caregiver during his deployment. Everyone, including aforementioned conservative talk show hosts, would be clamoring to care for that baby.”

Julie is riffing off the fact that the site Courage to Resist reported “A few conservative websites have taken notice of growing public outrage over this case. Some have attacked Alexis because she is young black woman who got pregnant soon after basic training, yet she chose to remain the Army! Another blames her because Kamani’s father is not a part of their lives. Some incredulously ask if we would support a young male soldier in a similar situation (yes—we would). Alexis’ only real mistake was believing the military’s “family friendly” recruiting sales pitch.” (and, Morra’s note, the Hyde Amendment that rules that no federal funds be used to pay for abortions means she would have had few options had she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, anyway. She had to keep the baby, and she had to provide for the baby. She is mother and provider.)

Let’s take a step back: 21-year old Alexis Hutchinson is the parent of a 10-month old boy. She is African American. She is a single parent. She is a cook in the Army, and she had orders to deploy to Afghanistan on Nov. 5, but she stayed home and did not show up to move out. When she showed up to the Base the next day with her son in town, she was arrested and her son was taken into custody. She is now on base in Georgia, waiting to find out her fate, and her baby is with his grandmother Angelique Hughes. Latest reports have Alexis Hutchinson facing a possible court martial. Her son is thousands of miles away in California.

“According to the family care plan of the U.S. Army, Hutchinson was allowed to fly to California and leave her son with her mother, Angelique Hughes of Oakland. Angelique says she realized she could not care for her grandson, since her other duties include caring for a daughter with special needs, her ailing mother, and an ailing sister, and working long days running a daycare.

The Army then gave Hutchinson an extension of time to allow her to find someone else to care for Kamani. Meanwhile, Hughes brought Kamani back to Georgia to be with his mother.

However, only a few days before Hutchinson's original deployment date, she was told by the Army she would not get the time extension after all, and would have to deploy, despite not having found anyone to care for her child.

Faced with this choice, Hutchinson chose not to show up for her plane to Afghanistan. The military arrested her and placed her child in the county foster care system.”

According to a story on NPR, the estimated 85,000 people in the Army who are single parents are required to have a caregiving plan, for when the custodial parent is deployed or unavailable to care for a child. When Alexis Hutchinson’s learned her mother was unable to be Kamani’s backup caregiver, Hutchinson says she advised her Commander of the change in her care arrangements and asked for time to figure out a new plan. Hutchinson states her Commander basically said to figure it out in the next 24 hours, because deployment had been moved up to November 5. If she couldn’t find an alternative in time, Kamani would have to go into foster care.

How does a parent of a baby weigh the decision whether to break the law, or leave her child in a dangerous situation? It’s an unconscionable decision, and I imagine must have been a lonely one.

The blog for the National Coalition for Child Protection Reform writes,

“the only thing unusual about this case is the fact that this single mom's job was about to be moved to Afghanistan. There are, in fact, thousands of children of civilian parents trapped in foster care when their parents didn't abuse them or neglect them either. Many of these parents, mostly single mothers – have what amounts to the same problem as Spec. Hutchinson.

“These are the mothers who are told: "We don't care if your child is sick, show up for work or you're fired." Mom knows if she's fired, she won't be able to pay the rent. She'll be homeless and child protective services can take the child because of lack of housing. So mom shows up for work. Someone calls child protective services. The child is taken away on a "lack of supervision" charge.

I know that I have had days where I have had up to three caregivers on call to fill in for childcare while I travel. Anyone who has experienced the anxiety of being without childcare, even for an hour, can viscerally feel the panic Hutchinson must have felt as she weighed her options the night before her planned deployment.

The Army says it is exploring all options and will "do right by the situation." I hope so. But what Hutchinson faced is what so many women deal with daily: a boss who doesn’t get it, or just doesn’t care. A lack of options for an affordable, trustworthy place for your baby to go while you’re at work, a family far away, and zero options to work and have a baby. No mother should have to choose between providing for her family and foster care. It just plain sucks.

Cobbling together maternity leave- what's the best strategy?

2009-11-12T19:03:57-06:00

Have you ever noticed how people use the term “cobbled together” when referring to their maternity leave? As in, “I cobbled together PTO, sick leave, maternity leave, and FMLA” to create a leave. It’s no secret maternity leave is complicated in the US. Here are two typical examples, from friends who work for medium sized companies, covered under FMLA. Karen tells me, “You can take 12 weeks of leave with 8 paid in full (aka maternity) and 4 not paid. You can use the STD (Short Term Disability) for the additional 4 weeks *IF* your OB signs off. Mine did, but make sure yours is OK with signing off on it BEFORE you deliver. I had to fight for it and almost didn’t get my 4 weeks paid. She insisted I “wasn’t” disabled as I only had a baby. (I switched OB’s). You might as well use up your PTO, then fill the gap, if any, with STD. Depending on how much time you have left you should be able to cover a lot of it."

Laura, an accountant, writes, “I am in the middle of my leave. My company gave me 4 weeks before my due date and 8 weeks after for a c-section and then I could take another 6 weeks of parental leave plus use any of my vacation time. Once STD runs out, I will start a week of vacay and then the 6 weeks of parental leave. “

Head spinning yet? I decided to find out the rules. And the answer is: it totally depends on where you work, although there are basic protections under the law.

While more than 100 million leaves have been taken under the FMLA since 1993 many workers can’t take full advantage of its provisions because they cannot afford to take unpaid leave. Being paid for your maternity leave, however, is discretionary and based on your employer and state of residence. Only 8% of American workers have paid family leave. The 2008 National Study of Employers found 60% of employers offer 12 weeks of unpaid leave to both moms and dads, and 16% of companies with at least 100 employees provide full pay during maternity leave. 22% of employers offer maternity leave longer than 12 weeks, and 52% offer some sort of paid leave to mothers. Nearly one-quarter (24 percent) of the best employers for working mothers provide four or fewer weeks of paid maternity leave, and half (52 percent) provide six weeks or less, according to an Institute for Women’s Policy Research analysis of data provided by Working Mother Media, Inc., publisher of Working Mother magazine.

I spoke with Paula Brantner, an employment lawyer who runs the non-profit WorkplaceFairness.org, a really great resource. Paula noted the term “cobble,” “really is an apt description of the process, because you have different legal requirements so it really is figuring out, where you are in your pregnancy and how you fit the different requirements.”

I asked, “What advice would you give women legally so they can take as much leave as possible? What’s a framework to look at when you’re thinking of how to structure your leave”?

First, you should know a denial of pregnancy leave may violate Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, the Family and Medical Leave Act, or both laws, depending on whether an employee qualifies for protection under each law and the nature of the employer's conduct, according to Workplace Fairness. Discrimination based on pregnancy is a form of sex discrimination. “Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which includes the Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978 covers many forms of discrimination you may encounter because of your sex in decisions about hiring, firing, work assignments and conditions, promotions, benefits, training, retirement policy and wages. Title VII prohibits employers from treating pregnant women or temporarily physically disabled new mothers differently from other temporarily sick, injured or disabled employees, including discriminatory leave practices.

Maternity leave is usually created from a variety of benefits that include sick leave, vacation, holiday time, personal days, short-term disability (aka SDI, or STD) and unpaid family leave time. Most companies allow you to use your sick, vacation and holiday time towards your maternity leave. Some companies require that you use these benefits first before using any disability or unpaid time.

As strange as it seems, many employers consider maternity leave a disability. Many paid leave terms are funded by short-term disability insurance (SDI). Some companies provide this, and some employers require that you purchase a policy, much as you would another kind of insurance. The average SDI policy pays a portion of your salary. FMLA does not require employers to provide paid leave but it does guarantee job protection while out on maternity leave. The FMLA was updated in January 2009 and the latest provisions are here.

Paula Brantner explains, “When people take leave for pregnancy, there are two kinds of leave: one is disability-based, and one is post-childbirth based. Before you have the baby, as long as you are physically able to work, you will not likely be entitled to any disability related leave. Pre-birth, look at all your potential options between short term disability, PTO, and your employer’s willingness to give you unpaid leave, if you want to take more time off during your pregnancy.

“Post birth, short term disability or your company’s paid maternity leave may continue for an amount of time post-birth (usually six weeks for a vaginal delivery and eight for a C-section). Then, if you work for an employer with 50 more employees within a 75 mile radius, you will qualify for the Family and Medical Leave Act. Usually you take your FMLA and paid leave concurrently: six weeks, say of paid leave and then the remaining six weeks of FMLA. You have to take FMLA leave within a year of the birth, but you could spread it out….Taking concurrent leave is the result of a Supreme Court Case several years ago where an employee took her paid leave and then took the 12 weeks of FMLA and the Court said ‘no, this way employees could cobble together something that lasts years.’ There is some desire to change it back so you don’t have to take concurrent leave, but employers are going to fight that one pretty hard.”

If your employer doesn’t offer short term disability, what do you do? “Well, then you’re in the realm of sick leave. And as you know, we don’t have any federally mandated sick leave, so you are at the mercy of your employer. However an employer cannot treat you differently than any other employee who is sick.

“The law provides a minimum set of requirements that many employers, especially those that want to be family friendly, can often do better. I think the biggest concern most companies have is the number of women who’ve said they are coming back, and they have held the job open, and then the employee does not come back. I think it’s important for employees to be honest with their employers…and for example, they [employers] can ask you to pay back, say your benefits, if you don’t return. “ I think it’s important to involve your employer as early as is feasible…you don’t want a situation where rumors are flying around the workplace and the employers feel they are the last to know. Come to them with a plan to ensure any many projects will get taken care of.”

What about if you’re planning on asking for extra unpaid leave, when should you ask for that? Paula said, “That’s a strategy question that depends on your relationship with your employer and the nature of your work. Is your employer going to feel blindsided if you don’t tell them before? How are the negotiations going? If they are going great, you might want to lay it all out on the table. If it’s not going so great, you might want to introduce flexible arrangements in stages.

“It really pays to have a strategy for how you’re going to plan your leave. Know your rights, in terms of what you can cobble together, what you want to do before, and after. And also how the work is going to get done. Larger employers are much more used to this. But in a smaller employer, you’re going to have a bigger impact. So if you’re in a small employer where you don’t have any rights to unpaid leave under the FMLA that can make it kind of challenging. Those are the workplaces that are the most difficult to navigate. And frankly in this market, given the amount of people who are unemployed, there are undoubtedly going to be some employers who say, “the law doesn’t require me to keep open this job” and I’m going to hire someone else. And as long as that’s the same attitude they have for any employee who is disabled, the law doesn’t protect you. Although an employer who is at that vindictive will probably get theirs anyway.”

One can hope.

What to get the baby who has everything? Durable holiday gifts for the under one set

2009-11-03T19:07:12-06:00

It’s about to be “The Holidays” and gift season is upon us. And what to get for the baby who has everything? It's shameful, really. The entire world of baby gear is too disposable for its own good. We survived Halloween with a minimum of purchases. My husband wanted to buy the adorable Tom Arma costumes, at $59.99, and yes, they are heavenly. He was especially keen on the rhino, then the skunk, then the frog. Besides the fact that I think it’s so weird that we anthropomorphize our animals into humans, and humans into animals, I vetoed buying a costume because the picture would be cute no matter what.

The baby (screen name: Ace) was hand-me-down Superman, courtesy of friends. And he was gorgeous, and stained the outfit beyond repair anyway. When you have a baby, expensive opportunities to be extra-cute and preserve precious memories jump out at every corner. But what I have learned after a year of parenthood, is that even more fleeting than childhood is the amount of time your child can fit into anything you buy him. So this year, it's about durability.

I have taken a vow of not buying myself any new clothes for one whole year. Rachelle Mee Chapman inspired me back in September, and it’s fantastic. The baby obviously needs clothes and such. But I’m really trying to focus on quality of what we get him, not quantity. He won’t care any way. Buy him a fancy new toy, he still wants to play with the Kleenex box. So, in the spirit of durability, here is my “first Chrismukkah Wish List” for my little angel. This is not a review column and no one incentivized me to suggest anything. Grandparents and relatives, read on:

For a couple hundred bucks, I can “start a young investor off right.” The Market’s on the upswing, and don’t I owe it to my offspring to shelter them from the financial slashing and burning of previous generations? According to Money Magazine, Schwab has dropped its minimum for entry into an index fund to $100, so “your child can deposit holiday or birthday money into a mix of funds that mimics the allocation a high roller might have.” I could put $300 into the Schwab S&P 500 index fund. I could choose a bond fund. I could put $200 into an international index or a small cap index, for some fun. And I can finally deposit the $25 check made out to Ace that Great Aunt Edna sent when the baby was born. This is very cool, because I recall going to the bank on Saturdays with my Dad with great fondness, and in the mornings, he would read the paper and explain the stock market to me. I’d love to pass along that tradition. What greater gift can you give to your children than financial literacy? I love this idea.

But everyone needs to have some fun. I have two yens on behalf of the baby. One is the Melissa and Doug wooden toy fruit set, or actually anything by Melissa and Doug. Their stuff is durable, made in the USA by hand, and really fun. I would kill for the kitchen, which I personally would play in, but we’ll save that for when the baby is older. Toy wish number two: a Rody. Rody is a phthalate free inflatable bouncy horse that I think looks like the most fun ever.

Finally, I’d love another semester of Music Together classes. We did the fall series, and it was a ton of fun for mom and baby. Music Together is offered all over the USA. It’s a wonderful sing and dance along class you can take with your kid, starting very young. Ask most parents to finish off the refrain, “Hello everybody, I’m so glad to see you,” and I bet they can. Classes are a little pricey- but so worth it. And did you know that the founder of Music Together started the program because of the song “Happy Birthday,” adapted by two kindergarten teachers over 100 years ago? Click here to read the whole story.

So, that’s the baby holiday wish list. What’s yours?

Mommy Week in Review: Every Ounce Counts, Best Companies, and Owning Mommy Aches...and Cupcakes

2009-10-30T20:34:17-05:00

I am ridiculously excited for our first Halloween! I'm having the mommy group over, and I'm making big girl cupcakes, and baby cupcakes. I was psyched to make carrot cake with nuts and candy corn on top, until someone reminded me both are a choking hazard...I will definitely be sending photos to the BlogHer Halloween Photoshare! My son is going to be Superman (of course...).

I attended the Working Mother Work Life Congress this week in New York. Below I’ve tried to capture vignettes of what I found interesting at the meeting, as well as one piece of advice that changed my thinking and I hope will help you too.

Every ounce counts. Heather Chase is CEO of Corporate Lactation Services, which provides lactation consultants to working women at US companies. Helping women pump at work saves companies money: one day absences for sick children occur more than twice as often for mothers who feed their babies formula. CIGNA conducted a two year study of 343 employees who took part in a lactation support program and found the program saved CIGNA $240,00 annually in health care costs, 62% fewer prescriptions for babies, and $60,000 savings in reduced absenteeism rates.

But as my baby gets closer to a year old, I’ve found it harder to nurse and pump regularly. For one, he is just not that interested. Once or twice a day is enough nursing for him. And I’m less motivated to nurse, and certainly to pump. But Heather, a warm and wonderful woman who I wish I could have called for lactation advice said to me, “Every ounce counts.” Meaning, every ounce of breastmilk is a “gift” to my baby. She said nursing him twice a day is great, and I should not feel any guilt about it. And even better she thinks I won’t need to keep pumping. I’ll have the supply to nurse him when it suits us.

I left the Working Mother Conference early. Something about being in New York, five hours away from the baby, made me anxious. Something about now, maybe it’s H1N1, who knows, makes me feel very vulnerable when I am physically far apart from my 10 month old. I talked about how I missed him. Nina Madoo from Marriott, a super smart woman, said, “I know, it’s like you ache for them.” Yep, I ached for the baby, and feared he had a cold. I ran out and took an early train to make it home to see him before he went to bed. Mothers of older children tell me this ache will diminish, as he gets older, more willful, and more difficult. They promise I will relish a night alone. But now, I look at his photo on my laptop, my milk comes down, and I literally and physically ache for him.

But here’s the truth: I got what I needed from the meeting, for me. I had spent enough time, made enough connections, done what I’d come to do. Maybe I didn’t network as much as I could have, but in a couple years, when I have an impossible toddler and no longer baby deliciousness, I will. And this, to me, is the gift of motherhood. I’m getting better at drawing boundaries. If I’m done at work, I’m done. Well, I try.

And the sense I got from the Working Mother Congress and that I get whenever I talk to working parents is, yes, we all ache for our babies when they are little. But we go to work, we do what we need to do. But we don’t have to pretend any more that we don’t ache for them, and that is profound. I think that our generation is lucky in the sense that we don’t have pretend anymore that we aren’t parents and that it doesn’t change our work lives. Women still pay a “mommy tax” but we aren’t forced to pretend motherhood isn’t happening to us, which is how it used to be, I believe in corporate America.

And it’s not that new mothers don’t want to work. A recent survey of 1,200 new mothers found that 20% actually reported being more ambitious after having their baby. Throughout the career life cycle, women are more engaged at work than men. Engagement is lower for women in their thirties than it is for women in their twenties (who are the most ambitious and highly career-engaged group in this study), probably because work and family demands converge at this time. Employee resilience, defined as the ability to adapt to change, is higher for women than men. However, in their thirties, exempt men and women each become less resilient, again, I think, because it’s hard to manage work and family. Women get much more resilient as they head into their forties and fifties, while men’s resilience drops. This is crucial because resilience is highly correlated with schedule control and workplace relationships, which predict turnover. All this data is from a survey of 2,775 American employees conducted by WFD Consulting.

Still, one discussion I participated in we brought up the concept of “reclaiming Mommy Tracking.” Because most women work, and all women want different things from their career. We’re not tokens anymore. And for those who run programs like work life benefits and employee resource groups (such as your company’s women’s network) it can be a challenge, because it’s not enough, now, to just be about “women,” or “diversity.” There are four generations at work and they all expect different things. Millennial women are the most ambitious: their women’s network group at work might be all about how to advance your career. A new mother in her 30’s might want the mentorship of another working mom. And a mid-career in her forties is about developing her mission in life, creating a different sort of community. And some women might not mind being mommy tracked! What about creating a “buffet” of scheduling and flexibility options for new mothers returning from leave? And they key would be, this would not be at the manager’s discretion. Anyone could take advantage of the buffet.

Going back to the idea that working women are far from tokens: the fallout from the Shriver Report on women and CA Women’s Conference is so interesting. To me, there is a sense that what’s in the report isn’t new, but there is a new and very real heft that comes with the fact that women are half the workforce. We can afford to be more real, I hope, and we can afford to ask for what we want.

Speaking of what we want. This is a nod to the BlogHer community, all you social media expert women. The big corporations at the Working Mother Conference want to figure out social media, and they need help. This expertise is power for you. How can you use it?

Is Your Smart Phone Pandora's Box?

2009-10-18T16:14:10-05:00

Here are three reasons why smart phones terrify me.

1) My 23 year-old nanny is now driving the baby around! She is fantastic but when she is at home, the phone buzzes constantly. So I had to figure out how to talk to her about safe driving when she has the baby, and I struggled with it because I felt awkward about it. I asked Sheila Marcelo, founder of Care.com, for her advice on how to talk to a caregiver about texting and driving. She says,

"I think the important thing is to start by sharing what’s happening that’s fact based, so it’s not taken as finger pointing and she’s not taking it personally. For example, “If you look at the statistics nowadays, texting is even worse than drunk driving. I think it’s a new phenomenon, we’re all learning and struggling with it, but these statistics coming out and the risks are high. Not only for the safety of your children but for her safety, it’s not anything personal, it’s just that it’s so important.”

I woman-ed up and talked to my nanny about texting. She assured me she never would, that he dad sends her all the PSAs and statistics and I don’t have to do that.

2) When I was walking my dog yesterday, a giant pickup truck hurtled the wrong way down my one-way street, and the driver was texting as he did it. He was oblivious to honking horns and me giving him the finger.

I am daily enraged by the legions of talking, emailing and texting drivers threatening me and my loved ones on the road. But sometimes, I fold. Last week, I was running late and I had to get on a conference call. So I did it on my cell phone (the baby wasn’t in the car) but lo and behold, I got pulled over for running a yellow light!

That very same day, I learned about Mom Sends the Msg, a new online campaign. The premise is that moms model behavior for the whole family: if we’re driving and device-ing everyone else will too. Yes, even with the best intentions, it’s really hard not to- as this mom wrote

My car and my cell phone are both Bluetooth enabled, and I still use the hand-set. I mean, have you ever tried talking via your Bluetooth with a very chatty 2-year-old in the back seat? Not exactly practical. I used to have a head set, but it didn’t work very well, kept falling out of my ear, and has long since been lost. But, enough excuses already.

So I urge you to visit Mom Sends the Msg, download a window sign to spread the message for other drivers, but most importantly, resist the urge to multitask in the car. If you don’t believe me, watch this moving video from Jennifer Smith who lost her mom to a texting driver.

3) How does my relationship with my phone impact my relationship with my kid? Safety issues aside, our children pay the price for our device-obsession. Every single child development expert I meet says the same thing: distracted, BlackBerrying parents hurt their children. Kids know when mom is tuned out. My life is tuned out- I have to consciously say to myself now, “put down the iPhone.”

On the flip side, I met recently with the former career director of an esteemed university. She noted that the undergrads she sees today are less resilient, less independent and have fewer coping skills when life hands them knocks. She believes a symptom of this phenomenon is that in between classes, she hears kids constantly on the phone to mom and dad, updating them on every detail of the day. She sees this as a symptom of a child-rearing society in which we’re too attached, too invested in our kids.

So when they’re young, we’re trying to work and raise them, and are maybe too distracted. And when they get older, we’re too attached, using the phone as a crutch? How can we win?

I’m writing this not because I’m trying to preach, but because I’m as addicted to my iPhone as anyone, and I feel very threatened and anxious by what smart phones represent. Opening my iPhone is a sort of Pandora’s box: I check messages, email, texts, Twitter, apps. I can’t stop once I’m in.

I try not to buy into public hysteria, but I think smart phone addiction is an epidemic. I only hope soon the glow of newness wears off and we can wean ourselves from them.

What do you think we can and should do to temper phone-mania?

Mommy Week in Review: Biting nursers, scheduling snafus, blogging for more birthdays

2009-09-30T13:54:48-05:00

So, at nine months, breastfeeding has become so painful, thanks to the baby’s four extremely sharp teeth. This is a common story: Christina at a MommyStory even nicknamed her baby “fang.” It’s not even that he bites me, although he has, it’s that he can’t nurse without cutting me. His chompers are so sharp and he is so busy while nursing, grasping, moving around. So I feel guilty about wanting to wean him.

Kellymom says, “If your baby is nursing properly, then you should not feel teeth, even if baby has a mouthful of them. And keep in mind that it's physically impossible for baby to nurse and bite at the same time, because the tongue covers the bottom teeth/gum when baby is nursing.” iVillage agrees: if baby is “properly positioned” you shouldn’t feel teeth. First, the thought that after almost nine months of nursing we’re doing it wrong makes me want to cry.

Second, yet again, the “shoulds” of parenting advice lead to nothing but guilt and anxiety. Should I get nipple shields? Wait it out? This video, for example, is helpful but only deals with active biting, not the fact that the mere existence of teeth can hurt!

Another piece of parenting advice today from the New York Times’ Jane Brody: stop talking on your cell phone or checking your iPhone while with your little one. Brody quotes a child development expert, “Parents have stopped having good communications with their young children, causing them to lose out on the eye contact, facial expression and overall feedback that is essential for early communication development.” I can see the danger in this, and I try to monitor it. This comes down to boundaries, in my mind. I have so few boundaries between work and home time right now, it’s really dangerous. It’s the negative flip side of working flexibly.

My life has become a gumbo, and sometimes I think it’s beginning to stink. To belabor this metaphor, the various ingredients—work, baby, family duties, housework, writing, and what I lovingly call “ventures”—do not synchronize very well because the physical space for them is not separated, and I work at home. How do you structure your life to create the proper boundaries and scheduling? More important, how do you create your schedule and stick to it? As I’m writing this, I realize it sounds clichéd but it’s so true, for so many of us. Someone is always annoyed at me because of a scheduling snafu. I work for myself, mostly in a home office. I have childcare from 9-5, three days a week, and for three hours on Mondays. Childcare never covers all work time though, so you get the “checking laptop while playing with child and making dinner” situation. The largest challenge, by far, is maintaining a coherent schedule where work and home don’t bleed together. I welcome advice!

One of the many things I’m most lucky about is that I get to choose who I work with. And I work with amazing clients, like the American Cancer Society. They are a client, but I think it's important to write about this new effort, especially since many of us are thinking about breast cancer awareness. Today marks the kick off of an effort we’re calling Bloggers for More Birthdays. I work with the Society's Blogger Advisory Council, a small group of volunteers that advises the Society on its social media strategy. Part of our mission is to spread the word that we have power in the fight against cancer. The first step is to build awareness and engage women: who are usually the caregivers as well as cancer patients. I’ll never forget when fellow BlogHer Nordette Adams noted that so many people she knows just don’t want to talk about cancer. They just don’t want to deal with it- and it makes sense, except that if we deal with it, there is so much we can do to prevent cancer. I don’t think this is the case for the BlogHer community, but still, we can take the message outwards. So we have started a blog "chain" to spread the word among women bloggers.

You can join Bloggers for More Birthdays by dedicating a blog post to someone you love who's been affected by cancer. Momocrat wrote an incredibly moving post, which I’m linking to here. It's a simple way to celebrate those you love. Just write a post, host our badge, and know that whatever you write, you’re raising awareness and inspiring others to join American Cancer Society in the fight against cancer.

Who's Happy?

2009-09-23T19:46:47-05:00

Are you happy? Is your husband? Do you need to be happy to be happy? When I became a mom I didn’t expect to be happy. How could I? What I see, read about, watch on TV, follow on the blogs are a lot of stressed out working mothers. But it’s stark indeed to look at robust data that shows women are getting progressively less happy.

On the Huffington Post, Marcus Buckingham dropped two nuggets of data that are getting lots of ink: “a) women are less happy than they were 40 years ago, compared with men, and b) as women get older, they get sadder.” Using data over time from the General Social Survey as well as five other international studies, the study Buckingham cites, by Wharton’s Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers, indicates that women’s self-reported happiness is lessening as men’s happiness is increasing.

In response Maureen Dowd wrote, “the more women have achieved, the more they seem aggrieved. Did the feminist revolution end up benefiting men more than women?”

The authors of Undecided write

“When women stepped into male-dominated realms, they put more demands–and stress-on themselves. If they once judged themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens and dinner parties, now they judge themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens, dinner parties–and grad school, work, office deadlines and meshing a two-career marriage.”

And, I would add, many young women still worry about gardens, looks, and dinner parties. Men do too. As I wrote in a piece with Ellen Galinsky, the story hasn’t been written yet. We are all in a period of major gender role upheaval:

It is tempting to interpret Stevenson and Wolfers’ data as fodder for the popular argument that feminism and the Women’s Movement of the 1960s and 1970s somehow betrayed today’s women. But when we look at 30 years of workforce data, we see gender roles are still truly in transition, and more so, it seems, with each passing year. This transition breeds disequilibrium as women gain more responsibility to contribute to family income while retaining the major share of family work responsibilities. Men are changing too, and reporting their fair share of stress. Like most things, the picture is complex.”

Actually (in my sample of one) since I had a kid I’m a lot happier. My ambition, like all my waking hours, is contained by real strictures and that, in turn, makes me focus. I have more boundaries and I like that. I do, however, feel like I’m inventing my life as a worker and a mother and a wife each day. But it’s an adventure. My husband is a different story- he definitely seems to feel more role conflict than I do- and I think this drives some unhappiness. Indeed, Buckingham mentions that “men's work-life conflict has increased significantly from 34% in 1977 to 45% in 2008, while women's work-life conflict has risen less dramatically and not significantly from 34% to 39%."

But our shared chaos as a family, wanting to bang our heads against the wall sometimes while trying to figure it all out is, ironically, something that brings us together, and that makes us happy.

Rita Arens notes too her husband totally pitches in and, “If I were coming home from working a full-time job and then doing everything? Hell, yes, I'd be depressed. How many women is this happening to? I can only speak to my immediate social circle, but the working couples I know seem to share household chores quite a bit, or else they outsource them.”

Still Joan Williams, who is a pioneer in this field, gives us pause as she writes,

“So, to sum it up, why do women start out happier and get bluer as they age? They start out believing in equality. And then they discover the scoop. In this society, the most dependable path to equality is to die childless at thirty. Before you hit the maternal wall, before those depressing children arrive, before you have to prove yourself 900 times to get what a man got after 90, before you are called a bitch when you do what they men do.”

Joan, I’m happier now because my expectations have changed, and my ambition is more focused. I don't know yet if it is diminished; I don't think so. By the time I was three months pregnant, I was prepared to be a frazzled working mom, I was prepared to get mommytracked. The fact that I’m not yet is actually a pleasant surprise every day. And that makes me really happy.

Any of you out there one of Williams’ childless under 30’s, thinking about this stuff? Want to chime in?

Mommy Week in Review: H1N1 vaccines and what we can control, and your magic number for hiring help

2009-09-18T14:26:29-05:00

Are you planning to vaccinate your little one for H1N1? Parents I talk to are 50-50; media coverage mostly terrifies me. I’m unclear about the baby, although I am definitely getting a regular flu shot. I’m so anxious about swine flu, regular flu, BPA in Sigg baby bottles. I love the baby to crawl on floors and build immunity, I hate that he might be ingesting carcinogens. I’m anxious household cleaning products cause cancer. That’s why a recent conference call with Dr. Ted Gensler, Director of Medical Content at the American Cancer Society, turned my thinking a little bit. We can prevent MOST of the most prevalent cancers. Tobacco, bad diet, obesity, and a sedentary lifestyle combined cause almost 70% of cancers. Dr. Gensler stressed that although we may tend to be anxious about environmental factors and other seemingly haphazard causes of cancer around us, like water bottles, what we need to focus on are the factors we can control. It's human nature to focus on the terrifying chance, not the vast majority of cases. An important lesson, I think. But I’m still using green cleaning products.

Speaking of cleaning products: my friend Casey gave me an equation that has changed my thinking about outsourcing household duties, repairs, etc. Such as, I am mostly catering Rosh Hashana dinner this year. Here is the equation:

Take your annual salary- say it’s $75,000. Subtract the last 3 zeros; you are left with 75. Divide that by 2= $37.50. This is your magic figure for determining whether outsourcing something is worth it. If the service costs less than this amount per hour, you should do it, and it is to your economic advantage to do so. I don’t know the math on this and I don’t know its origin. But I’m liking the concept.

Contrast birth, Mad Men style with Kim Clijsters’ victory at the US Open. Watching Betty give birth on Mad Men last week was a very sad experience. To leave her husband at the door, and venture into the journey of labor alone is too much. I felt Betty’s chronic depression meet her mounting anxiety, and I wanted to give her a hug, and more drugs. And then her dad, in a hallucination says to Betty, “You are like a house cat, you are very important and you have little to do.”

Allison Pearson, author of the working mother bible I Don't Know How She Does It, wrote of Clijsters’ amazing US Open victory, just back from maternity leave. Pearson writes of the combination of Clijsters’ gleeful toddler at courtside and great victory, “it looked for a moment as if at least one woman on the planet had pulled off the perfect work-life balance.”

Pearson continues, “The popular view remains that becoming a parent drains ambition and ability from a woman, though a man remains as virile as ever, maybe more so.”

In fact, not all moms lose ambition after having a baby. We need to fight back against that perception. A recent survey of 1500 recent moms found that a small but powerful portion (about 15%) said they sought out more responsibility at work soon after having a baby. One said, ““I’m more inspired to achieve my goals of a better career in a different industry. It was more for both of us, not just for myself and I can envision my goal more clearly with my son in my life.”

Yes!

Mommy Week in Review: Crawling, what makes a man, and inspiring mombloggers

2009-09-09T18:51:14-05:00

The baby started crawling for real this past week. He practiced constantly for ten days before that. I’d hear thumping in the crib in the middle of
the night: he was rocking in his crib, practicing how to gain momentum
to crawl forward. He mastered crawling two days ago.

I think these photos capture his learning:

Today, he decided
it was time to learn how to stand up. So he’s getting up on his knees,
grabbing on to anything high, and lurching upwards. This kid has
determination in spades. I never had the drive to master anything. I
gave up piano lessons, ballet, viola, riding and a million sports. I
was always content to be good enough. I wish for my son the innate drive to be
truly excellent. When I saw him trying so hard to crawl he’d cry I was
reminded of the old adage, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall”? Practice!

As we get ready to watch Obama tonight, I recommend reading this post from PhDinparenting, a Canadian who sets about myth-busting health care reform:

Setting the stage, she writes,

“there seems to be a perception that if you do have insurance you should only support a public health care option out of concern for those that are not insured. A perception that your private health care must be better than what a public system could offer. A perception that if you are not paying a private company for your health care that you will somehow no longer be a priority. Those perceptions, I believe, are unfounded and counterproductive.”

You can also take part in the MomsRising health care blog carnival- click here to submit a post.

Dan Mulhern is a leadership guru and the “First Gentleman” of Michigan, since he is married to MI Governor Jennifer Granholm. He is a leader in the
so-called “work-life” movement and he’s been exploring how the role of
being a man will change as the workforce becomes more female and as
women get more powerful. I filled out his survey today, which I urge
you to do. And Dan asks, What does it means to “act like a man”? And I
wrote things like, “to be strong,” “to have self-reliance.” This as I’m
fretting and feeling guilty that it’s 7:30 pm and I haven’t made any
dinner and my poor husband won’t have anything to eat when he comes
home from work! At least once a day I shake my head and think how the
experience of creating a family with my husband and son has proved how
deep gender role stereotypes are ingrained in me. Take Dan’s quiz and see what you answer, and don’t edit yourself.

Speaking of MomsRising, I really enjoye this post from Senator Jeff Merkley about the Totes/Isotoner case, in which the Ohio Supreme Court ruled the company was justified in firing a woman who took breaks to pump at work. The Senator writes “the Ohio Supreme Court threw logic out the window when it ruled that a woman was rightfully fired for taking breaks at work to pump breast milk. Apparently it would have been acceptable for Lanisa Allen to take a break to use the bathroom as long as she didn’t pump breast milk in the process.”

Ahh, nursing, the baby bit me today while nursing. I am sorely tempted to wean him. But I have less than four months ‘til a year! Can I do it? I can do it! When I want this kind of mothering inspiration, I read Crunchy Domestic Goddess, Amy Gates, and I think she would be proud of my determination!

Mommy Week in Review: Call him Ishmael, don't call me a bitch. Nursing milestones and texting PSA.

2009-09-02T08:51:15-05:00

Why are straight from the shetl baby names so hot? Old Testament names have always been very popular: Joshua was number four in 2008, although in 1938, it ranked only 722. But I’m seeing a resurgence of Isaiahs (no. 42), Ezekiels, and Japhets. My own son’s name, Asa (633 in 2008) is the subject of much controversy among the older Jews in the family, who think he will be typecast (and/or beaten up on the playground. He might be). Asa was Al Jolson’s original name in the old country, before he became the all American “Al.” It is very old country, indeed. Does your child have an old country, Old Testament name? Let me know! I’m very curious about this trend.

Don’t call me a bitch: It was the first day of school today, and as I drove past the schoolyard watching nervous five year old hands clutch at their parents I had a strange feeling well up inside me: ambition. I felt the drive to provide. Rachel Simmons’ new book is “The Curse of the Good Girl.” In Newsweek article by Jessica Bennett, Simmons is quoted,

“women pressure themselves to fit the mold of modest, selfless, rule-following "good girl" for fear of being labeled a "bitch." But it's those bitchlike qualities that help us get ahead—which means we're left with imbalanced salaries, lower titles, and shorter professional trajectories. "In many ways the zeitgeist is that girls are excelling and boys are having trouble," says Simmons. "But it all depends on what you're measuring."

When I was in my twenties, I had two jobs where I actually ran the team but insisted I “shared” responsibility with a male colleague (both of whom I hired). I try to look back on that person lovingly (even though I want to slap her, too). But since I became a mother, I feel a drive to get ahead stemming from a very female place. I don’t care if I’m a bitch as long as my family is taken care of. I hope good girl days are behind me now: I’d like to be a fierce woman. It will be a long haul, but I’m working on it.

Two major mommy milestones this week. I'm back in skinny jeans- sort of. They are tight and uncomfortable, but they zip! I have lost 60 lbs since giving birth in January! Even better, a hot young college student actually checked me out while I was jogging. Why am I writing about this? Because every woman who has emerged from a major (unwelcome) change in appearance knows how good it feels to regain your mojo. It bleeds into many other aspects of your life.

There was a sad baby milestone too this week: I put away the nursing pillow “My Brest Friend.” And indeed it was, through many late nights and long days. But the baby is too big to nurse with a pillow now, and too independent for a prop. Nursing is waning, slowly, and I will miss it dearly.

I have road rage daily when I pass drivers texting, checking email, or even talking on handhelds when driving. I’m stunned speechless from watching this PSA. I’m passing it along from Jenny Isenman: "Texting and Driving: A Deadly Combination -How a gruesome new PSA scared this mom straight."

Most importantly make sure you watch the PSA and pass it on to everyone you know.

I have almost been run over twice this year by texting drivers. When I drive around with the baby, I am very scared. I would say at least 40% of drivers in my area are on the phone while driving. Honestly, how important are we all? So important on our phones that we risk killing others?

Recent studies show "that texting while driving may be as dangerous and lethal as drunken driving. Up to a quarter of the estimated 40,000 vehicle fatalities in the U.S. annually may be traced back to distracted drivers texting."

So I was thinking- what if there were a universal signal you could give texting drivers when you pass them (that is, if they see you)? Kind of like the finger, but with the meaning to make them aware and shame them?

What do you think?

Health Care Reform Does Not Cut Medicare- and Speaking of Medicare's Passage...

2009-08-29T12:39:37-05:00

“Opponents of health-care reform should be chanting "No more Medicare!"The arguments that have been made against the public option (a health
insurance plan sold and administered by the federal government) apply
with equal or greater force to Medicare.”

That's from economists Simon Johnson and James Kwak. Let’s get this straight: Health care reform does not involve cutting Medicare benefits. Medicare is the second most-beloved Government program. Medicare is also a public option. GOP opponents of health reform have been falsely saying reform will cut Medicare benefits. This is not true.

In 1965, Conservative Ronald Reagan was running for Governor of California. He was violently opposed to Medicare, which was then the hot policy battle. The debate cut much along the same lines as the health care debate today, except that during the Cold War, “socialism” was even more loaded a term, and back then, opponents used "red menacing" tactics to scare people away from Medicare. Here’s Reagan, trying to scare people against supporting President Johnson’s Medicare program:

"One of the traditional methods of imposing statism or socialism on a people, has been by way of medicine. It's very easy to disguise a medical program as a humanitarian project — most people are a little reluctant to oppose anything that suggests medical care for people who possibly can't afford it. Now, the American people, if you put it to them about socialized medicine and gave them a chance to choose, would unhesitatingly vote against it."

In fact, LBJ passed Medicare, but it was Richard Nixon who

“recast the entire concept of national health insurance, creating a new model that kept employer health care in place, covered the poor and the old and gave people who weren’t covered national health insurance. Before that, most people who wanted national health insurance wanted a single-payer Medicare system for all. But this mixed model has been embraced by Carter, Clinton, Obama and all the Democratic hopefuls who ran on health care—Kerry, Dukakis, Mondale. They’ve all borrowed from Nixon, who wrote up this idea on his yellow legal pads.”

The above is all from James Morone and David Blumenthal’s new book, The Heart of Power. They show us that we've really been here before. Except that luckily, the right side won in the Medicare debate of the sixties.

Right now, “on Fox News' Hannity, GOP consultant Frank Luntz forwarded the false conservative talking point that President Obama plans to cut Medicare benefits, claiming that it "is almost like he's declaring war on Medicare because it's the only way for him to pay for health care.”

The non-partisan FactCheck.org noted: "The claim that Obama and Congress are cutting seniors' Medicare benefits to pay for the health care overhaul is outright false."

Here is the truth:

The truth is that the pending House bill extracts $500 billion from projected Medicare spending over 10 years, as scored by the Congressional Budget Office, by doing such things as trimming projected increases in the program's payments for medical services, not including physicians. Increases in other areas, such as payments to doctors, bring the net savings down to less than half that amount. But none of the predicted savings -- or cuts, depending on one's perspective -- come from reducing current or future benefits for seniors.

AARP says: Fact: None of the health care reform proposals being considered by Congress would cut Medicare benefits or increase your out-of-pocket costs for Medicare services. [FactCheck.org, 8/14/09]

Find out yourself. BlogHer’s partnership with the Sunlight Foundation and OpenCongress.org means we can track the bills. And, most importantly, we can follow the health care money. Next time you hear anti-reform words coming out of a politician’s mouth, click on over and see just how much money they’ve accepted from the health insurance lobby.

And while you’re at it, I cannot recommend enough this segment with Wendell Potter, former Corporate Communications Chief at health insurance giant Cigna: “Profits before Patients.” But don't expect to get through it without steam coming out of your ears. I listened to the podcast and used it to fire me through a run I'd not been able to do before!!!

Mommy week in review: viva Barney Frank, wicked smart babies and Mother's Milk

2009-08-19T14:37:07-05:00

I try to read more fiction in August, when it's hot and still (indulge me in my Goop fantasy). I’m reading Mother’s Milk by Edward St. Aubyn and it opens with the most evocative and gut-wrenching fictional description of a baby’s supposed emotions after his birth. I wanted to share part of it here, because I felt some sense of mourning when the baby was birthed, and out of me. I wondered what the baby felt. In the book, the character Robert has just been born- a traumatic and dangerous surgical birth and his mother is quite paralyzed with fear of what's just happened...

“Suddenly Robert was terrified too. They were not together in the way they used to be, but they still had their helplessness in common. They had been washed up on a wild shore. Too tired to crawl up the beach, they could only loll in the roar and the dazzle of being there. He had to face facts though: they had been separated. He understood now that his mother had already been on the outside. For her this wild shore was a new role, for him it was a new world. “

Sometimes, as my baby gets older and more his own self, I look at him and I think, “do you still feel part of me? Are you already dying to break away from me? When you’re too busy to nurse, as you are so often, I’m so sad because I miss you, but I’m proud of your desire for independence and mastery."

How much do babies know? On the Families and Work Institute’s blog, Amy McCampbell pointed me to a recent study that claims “Even the average dog has the mental abilities of a 2-year-old child...The finding is based on a language development test, revealing average dogs can learn 165 words (similar to a 2-year-old child), including signals and gestures, and dogs in the top 20 percent in intelligence can learn 250 words.”

A dog may “learn” a word, but what comes next? Rote behavior. This story is an example of the media just being nakedly provocative with headlines and leading more parents into anxietyland. As McCampbell notes, ”the newest research shows is that, in fact, there is so much going on in a baby’s brain. That from the very beginning, babies are unlocking the social, cognitive, and emotional world around them… even if we (the very smart adults around them) can’t see it.”

Alison Gopnik’s New York Times op-ed who notes that indeed, babies know far more than we think they know- but they learn differently than we think too. She writes, “babies can be rational without being goal-oriented,” they learn without a plan. But thankfully, Gopnik says, “There are no perfect toys; there is no magic formula. Parents and other caregivers teach young children by paying attention and interacting with them naturally and, most of all, by just allowing them to play.”

And now, in the small victories category: I think I’ve finally got the travel packing down, and here are my two revelations. One good sized squishy cooler with ice packs, for bottles, breast milk, food jars and the like is essential. Throw out the small one that comes with the breastpump and go larger! Pack everything that goes into the mouth in the cooler. Also, bring lots of blankets- big, small, etc. You never know when playing on the floor will help you survive a four hour airport delay.

What are your baby travel tips? How many bags do you check, on average, for even an overnight?

Health care: Two words. Barney Frank.
The craziness of the rhetoric flying around has gotten me scared to say
anything more. Despite the fact that two almost octegenarian men very
dear to me have undergone incredibly expensive and--turns out--
unnecessary surgery this week...

Mommy Week in Review: is MMORPG gaming bad for boys? Abortion, and health care reform.

2009-08-12T18:15:17-05:00

I’ve been thinking about MMORPGs a lot. Randomly, we watched a documentary called Second Skin the other night. It’s all about obsessive players of MMORPGs like Everquest and World of Warcraft. When I met my husband, he was a WoW aficionado and played a lot. Now, he remembers those days the way another might rhapsodize over a hard-partying youth, doing shots off hot chicks at Spring Break or something. I don’t get it. The protagonists of the Second Skin movie are some pretty nerdy guys who only care about playing role-play video games (6-8 hours a day!), to the detriment of their wives, children, mortgages, jobs, and certainly their waistlines. It was terrifying to watch the film, especially thinking about my own husband’s struggle to stop gaming and my fears about raising a boy in the Digital Age. One guy in the movie, whose wife is expecting twins says, “well, when the babies are born I’ll try to limit my playing to about three or four nights a week.”

So when Denise sent out a note about a new roleplay game for kids called Free Realms, I freaked out. Now, I’ve never played Free Realms so I don’t want to judge... Ok: I’m going to judge. I think gaming is a bad thing for kids.

The wise Cindy Samuels, who has two fabulous adult sons who are (very) gainfully employed by the gaming industry, reminded me that gaming is valuable for development because:

    "1.   You have to remember all the levels and how to move around. The space and depth perception and ability to retain lots of spatial information is invaluable.
   2.   Hand-eye coordination. You know about that but if you are dyslexic or otherwise LD this is a skill not easily obtained. This does help.
   3.   Imagination. I’m not sure this all kills imagination – I think it can take you in many new directions.
   4.   NOW the fact is that games are like everything else. If parents are aware and involved and see that they are played in moderation and that responsiblities are met, the games are a great outlet and, these days, group activity. The online opportunities in fact connect people all over the world. But that doesn’t mean they are all there is."

I know gaming might be the “new golf.” I know gaming develops neural pathways and encourages problem solving. But for my boy, I want skinned knees, mud pies, and roughhousing outside. I don’t want to have to count calories for my little boy because he’s sedentary, in front of the video screen nonstop. I think I worry more about MMORPG obsession because I have a boy, and because I feel so conscious about raising a boy who defies our worst stereotypes for boys. And gaming over communicating is top of mind for me, when it comes to these stereotypes. Is this totally unrealistic? Is this beyond neurotic for the mother of a 7 and a half month old?

Health Care Reform I'm feeling neurotic given the health care stakes right now. I’m so anxious NOTHING will pass, I can’t bring myself to be upset over the House’s treatment of abortion services in the current bill. Is anyone surprised by the fact that the Blue Dogs would hand over provisions to cover abortions? I’m not. Even Planned Parenthood forsakes abortion language in favor of women’s health because of political expediency. We might have to compromise right now, and we have to ensure health reform passes. Thanks to Jen Nedeau, reporting at Change.org:

The New York Times reported “the pre-existing condition clause stayed intact and preventive care will now be covered with no co-pays or deductibles, which is a really big deal. However, in the effort to support a public plan, the Democrats forfeited something… insurers must use money from private sources to pay for any abortions. The current House bill “excludes abortion services from the "essential" health benefits package as defined by the government. Under this amendment, subsidies used to help pay insurance premiums for low-income people could not be used for abortion services. “

Yes, in a perfect world, I do believe that abortion services could be covered. But we still live in a recently post-Bush USA. Let’s get this thing through and then focus on abortion rights! It’s a losing political battle that won’t further the larger cause.

I want to know how to talk about health care reform in a clear, no-nonsense, myth-free way. Momsrising has a great, no-nonsense post on how to talk up health care reform. I recommend you click here. I think we all need the quick, no-nonsense ways to rebut health care reform myths. For example, I live in MA where we've had a bumpy ride with health reform already. I have recently encountered eye rolling and snide comments from some doctors-- and from neighbors and colleagues too-- "Well, once Obama gets his hands on this, you won't have this anymore...." It's always "Once Obama gets his way...."

Where are the talking points to rebut this? What do I say to medical folks as well as everyday people I meet when walking the baby or the dog who make snarky and misinformed comments about what's going to happen "When Obama and Congress get their way..."

If you have suggestions, please comment below.

Mommy Week in Review: baby fever at 6 mos., judging moms of boys, non-competitive momblogging

2009-08-04T20:27:14-05:00

I have a baby, I want a baby! I have serious baby fever and it’s completely irrational. I crave baby deliciousness 24-7, as if I didn't have enough (I do; he's 100% delicious). I want to be pregnant; I have a seven month old. I hated being pregnant. I remember, when I had a wailing newborn, my mother in law warned me that at around six months, I’d want another baby. I laughed and said I wasn’t so sure I even wanted the one I had, much less another one. My own mother warned me of many couples who had children about fifteen months apart and said we’d really have to be careful not to get pregnant.

I asked my mommy group friends about my craving.

Of course, said my friend, “We’re in the “golden months.” According to the video caption of adorable little Aidan (7.5 months) on YouTube, "The Golden Months" are those few months in a child's life when he or she can consciously interact with others (smile, laugh, garble, etc) yet doesn't talk back or need to be chased around the house.”

While my love for my son is so intense that my husband “finds it disturbing,” I worry about raising a boy. The author of my new favorite website, Mothers Raising Boys, notes that when she is out with her four sons,

These people... make comments, also always feel the need to tell me about how wild and destructive their sons or their friend’s son or their neighbor’s sons are. Like I care. They say this useless information in a way that almost seems cruel. Like here I am with FOUR boys. What am I suppose to say in response? I’m certainly not about to join in on the bashing session!
Also, what does their ignorant comments mean to my sons when they hear them. I’ll tell you…my oldest has commented to me when someone has said something about me wanting a girl or talking down wild boys. He once said that it didn’t sound like the lady likes boys, why not?

And I realized: I do it too. If I meet a woman with more than one boy, I’ll say, “God love you,” or something to that effort. I sound like Joe Biden (weird!) but I’m attempting to express empathy and respect for what I’m sure are her trying times with wild charges. But what if she just hears a judgment? If you encounter someone with three girls you don’t roll your eyes or say, “good for you,” do you? With girls I envision pony rides and giggling and shopping, not toy guns and video games and chaos. I need to change my mental map if I’m going to raise a solid boy!

I’m just starting play dates (the babies all kind of look at each other and occasionally someone lunges for another’s face). Mostly, they offer us moms some sanity and an ability to reality check. So I love the (brilliant blogger) MamaBee’s critique of Emily Bazelon’s “Defending the Playdate.”

Why on earth is she perpetuating this tired canard about mothers sniping at each other over playdates?
This post particularly got to me because it presents such a negative vision of high-achieving mothers interacting with each other. It’s telling that most of Bazelon’s examples are from the world of fiction, the only place where these women really exist in large numbers. This stereotype of the educated, over-thinking mother who spends playdates alternately judging others and feeling mortified about her own failings as a parent is pervasive in the media, but at least in my experience, much less so in real life.

Actually, in considering much of the DoubleX blog coverage, I think it’s more about driving page views than presenting a more reasoned portrait of the average driven, well-meaning, and yes, anxious American mother. Hyper-aware, hyper-critical yet wry parentblogging has become the norm for many socially-conscious and hip parenting sites (see Jill Lepore's fantastic piece in the New Yorker on this front). Mama Bee, you’re inspiring me to create non-mommy war oriented, non-caustic mom-blogging. I’m just not sure anyone will read it.

Grandma knows best? Should babies eat worms? Am I a fake worker? My mommy week

2009-07-15T13:08:46-05:00

The pang: I am a work at home mom, an expression that makes me cringe because it’s so damn loaded (and I will never use the acronym WAHM- eww). But yes, I mostly work at home, which can make you feel like a little bit of a recluse. This morning I had to catch an early flight to DC. As I got ready to leave my house, I heard the baby stir. I so desperately wanted to check in on him. I had all these horrible thoughts: what if the plane crashes and I never see him again? I needed to smell his fuzzy hair and see his toothless grin that one more time. But I thought no, don’t disrupt him. Go, and go cleanly. He’ll be fine. After all he has his grammy and his nanny today. He’ll be fine.

I got to the airport feeling disjointed- half my mom self and then, a delicious recall of what life used to be like when I was on planes for work a lot. And taking an early morning shuttle flight to Washington, DC, you could be forgiven if you thought the gender revolution at work never happened. Supposedly women now make up the majority of the workforce, but in the shuttle-traveling cohort, it’s still a lot of men in suits. I kind of felt like I didn’t belong there, really. Were my work shoes from last year ok? Did I have spitup anywhere? Me and my breastpump backpack, escaped from mommyland. All day long, I had pangs if I even thought of the baby, or saw a baby.

Cheerios and grammy:
Why is my mother obsessed with giving the baby Cheerios before his time? Is there something in grandmother DNA that wants to push the baby to do things? My mother has been obsessed with giving my six month old Cheerios for some time now, even thought he has no teeth. She thinks it is THE magic bullet for helping him with fine motor skills. Perhaps, but he can neither anything pick up or chew it. Cheerios had been a big topic of discussion between my mom and i, and I mentioned I had bought some. Sure enough, a couple weeks ago my mom let me sleep in a bit. While I was sleeping, she went into the pantry, dug open a box of Cheerios, opened it, and stuck them on the baby’s tongue. She literally could not resist. Does this sound familiar?

Worms are good for kids?
When your baby eats dirt or crawls on filthy floors, should you smile and turn away? Jane Brody wrote in a New York Times column back in January:

Since all instinctive behaviors have an evolutionary advantage or they would not have been retained for millions of years, chances are that this one too has helped us survive as a species. And, indeed, accumulating evidence strongly suggests that eating dirt is good for you.

In studies of what is called the hygiene hypothesis, researchers are concluding that organisms like the millions of bacteria, viruses and especially worms that enter the body along with “dirt” spur the development of a healthy immune system. Several continuing studies suggest that worms may help to redirect an immune system that has gone awry and resulted in autoimmune disorders, allergies and asthma.

It’s a great article. I also like that for optimum germiness, scientists recommend “two dogs and a cat.”

What’s Your Flexstyle?
Ellen Kossek is a Professor at Michigan State University and author of one of my favorite career books, CEO of Me. I found this summary of a recent talk Ellen gave and it’s a great overview of her approach to managing your work and life. Her book is called CEO of Me. And actually, it helped me realized being a WAHM was a good fit for me. Ellen’s approach is a truly effective one when trying to determine the eternal “What is my work life fit” goal?

As CEO of your life, you have the choice to avoid the flexibility trap. You can learn how to use flexibility to make your life better. You begin by understanding your flexstyle, which is how you are currently managing relationships between work and personal life – your style for creating a workable life. You also should take stock of how well your flexstyle fits the people with whom you live and work. You need to know what’s working and what’s not and how to make changes – sometimes small and sometimes more drastic – to shift where you draw the line between work and non-work in order to be more effective on the job and at home.

Stressed about the economy, the ever-worsening employment numbers, and the fact that the pundits seem to be getting it all wrong, over and over? “The whole debate about when and how a recovery will begin is wrongly framed,” says Robert Reich. "This economy can't get back on track because the track we were on for years -- featuring flat or declining median wages, mounting consumer debt, and widening insecurity, not to mention increasing carbon in the atmosphere -- simply cannot be sustained.”

Whether it's controlling grandma-knows-best behavior or shifting an economic model, change is hard. Just ask our president.