Mata H's blog http://www.blogher.com/blog/974/atom/feed 2009-05-10T18:33:30-05:00 Rome Investigating US nuns. Will they reinvent the past? http://www.blogher.com/rome-investigating-us-nuns-will-they-reinvent-past 2009-07-03T21:40:43-05:00 2009-07-03T21:40:43-05:00 Mata H The Vatican, in what is seen as a move to potentially "crack down" on orders of nuns who may have evolved in ways not pleasing to Rome, has begun what is called "an apostolic visitation" of US nuns. This would be done, says Rome, "in order to safeguard and promote consecrated life". Many here feel it may be to reverse the modernization of nuns in America.

]]> The Vatican, in what is seen as a move to potentially "crack down" on orders of nuns who may have evolved in ways not pleasing to Rome, has begun what is called "an apostolic visitation" of US nuns. This would be done, says Rome, "in order to safeguard and promote consecrated life". Many here feel it may be to reverse the modernization of nuns in America.

During this visitation, surveys and interviews will take place across the US under supervision of a Rome-appointed Mother Mary Clare Millea, the superior general of her order, the Apostles of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

The last papal apostolic visitations in the US were to investigate pedophilia in the church after the recent scandals.

Further, the nuns get a second visitation. A "doctrinal assessment" will take place of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, which has members from about 95% of all US religious orders. This organization is involved in an impressive number of social justice issues. The NYT states that the LCWR had failed to "promote" the church's teachings on three issues: the male-only priesthood, homosexuality, and the primacy of the Roman Catholic church as a means to salvation."

For decades, especially after the Second Vatican Council, Roman Catholic nuns have been evolving their ministries. When I was a child, nuns all wore cumbersome and warm floor-length habits and veils, sensible shoes and had huge rosaries hanging from their belts. They lived in convents, and sometimes were cloistered (set apart from the world, living in private with only themselves as contacts). They were the "church housewives" taking care of the church cleaning, cooking for the priests, teaching in the church school and generally doing the "women's chores" of the church.

Since then it has become increasingly hard to tell who is a nun and who is not. The habit is largely gone. Nuns are as likely to be living in the apartment next to you, and teaching in a school, or working at hospitals or social service agencies or advocating for social justice issues.

While they still observe the tenets of poverty, chastity and obedience, the rules surrounding their everyday life have shifted a great deal. Some nuns have even openly advocated for changes in the church, such as ordaining women or allowing priests to marry.

Not only that, but the decline in their numbers is dramatic. The new York Times (2/7/09) reports that in 1965 the number of nuns in the USA was 180,000. Today it is about 60,000.

The Vatican has taken note.

Some nuns are not worried. Others have refused to cooperate with the surveys. Things do not look so positive for progressive nuns. This March, the Committee on Doctrine of the US Conference of Catholic bishops said Catholics should stop practicing Reiki. This is a healing therapy that has been used by and practiced by many nuns with ministries in hospitals and spiritual retreat oversight. The bishops decided this was un-Christian.

Whether you are a strict Catholic who feels that the nuns have crossed lines that they should not have, or a progressive who believes that the role of religious should evolve, there is no doubt that change is afoot. Will Rome be able to get the genie back in the bottle? Should they try?
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Mary Curtis notes:

Over the years, I saw their habits change, literally and figuratively. Most of the nuns I know now are working in the community, as teachers and social workers. They speak up, too. It goes down a lot better than the deference to priests, which – even in first grade -- I found pretty creepy. Considering what some of the priests were doing, more backtalk would have been a good thing.

It's no surprise that such a patriarchal institution is keeping a close eye on convent life. But if the church wants to encourage vocations to fill the diminishing ranks of the religious, a crackdown isn't the best recruiting tool.

Anne says this:

American priests got investigated by the Vatican for child sexual abuse--and now American nuns are facing scrutiny.

Their crimes?

1) Advocating that the priesthood be opened to women and to married men.
2) Using Reiki therapy.
3) Being too uppity.

The specific target is the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, an umbrella organization with membership from 95% of women's religious orders in the US. This group famously asked Sr. Theresa Kane to speak out to Pope John Paul II when he visited the US in 1979, asking him to reconsider women's ordination.

Ellen sees this as an attempt to squelch feminism among nuns:

The investigation will look into how closely these nuns are following the rules and mission of their order, but it is also looking into the nuns that are members of groups that advocate the ordination of women and other issues that conflict with church teachings. Some believe that this investigation is in response to the threat these women pose to the Vatican, and may led to an effort to return convents and nuns to a more traditional, conservative role in the church.

The Pursuit of Harpyness points out:

- “The visitation focuses only on nuns actively engaged in working in society and the church, not cloistered, contemplative nuns.” In other words, the Church is only alarmed by those women who are not cloistered and who dare to actually try and help the communities they’re living in. They could be spreading dangerous womanly ideas! But no worries about priests (or monks) who are doing the same thing. Being a nun does not equal being a hermit — at least, it shouldn’t...
- Finally, nuns are not the only people within the Church who may choose to agitate for change. But they are women. The only time I can recall any kind of wide-scale scrutiny of male members of the Church is when it was part of pedophilia investigations, and not because of any perceived doctrinal missteps. In other words, when the Church’s sisters get out of line with their words and deeds, it becomes a Very Big Deal that must be investigated. If the Church’s fathers or brothers get out of line, it’ll be ignored and/or swept under the rug as quickly as possible. It’s enough to make me want to rap the Church’s knuckles with a very stiff ruler.

Time's Fool is where CE, Mata H, can usually be found blogging and wondering.

]]> The Apology - effusive or elusive? http://www.blogher.com/apology-effusive-or-elusive 2009-06-26T22:12:18-05:00 2009-06-26T22:12:18-05:00 Mata H Apologies -- so neeedful, so misused. It seems people either apologize too much or too little. Yet a well placed apology can heal (or begin to heal) very deep wounds. An apology can say that the other person matters, and that their feelings are being heard in deep ways.

]]> Apologies -- so neeedful, so misused. It seems people either apologize too much or too little. Yet a well placed apology can heal (or begin to heal) very deep wounds. An apology can say that the other person matters, and that their feelings are being heard in deep ways.

There is The Frequent Apologizer. These are the folks who apologize for everything. It's raining today? I'm sorry. Shrimp went up in price/pound? I'm sorry. You have a cold? I'm sorry. I waited two minutes before returning your call. I"m sorry. There are folks who apologize for almost every step they take, or everything that distresses you in the world, waiting for assurance before they can move on. I get weary around these folks, and the constant reassurance they need. It is wearing. It's OK. You are OK. No you didn't offend.

Yet they live in a tough place, a place that says "You have no right to be here." It is almost as though they feel they have to apologize to be here at all.

Then there are those who Apologize Because They Have To -- they get in a rough spot, overstep a boundary and then have to apologize.

Kitkat is wrestling with this issue, because she keeps getting stuck in that rough spot, and then has to apologize for getting angry. .

I'm angry at myself for not acknowledging the validity of my emotion, and I'm angry that the person on the other end is waiting for me to back down like I always do. I'm not sorry. Damn it. I'm so sick and tired of saying I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I haven't yet found a middle ground where I can acknowledge and express my anger without the additional pent-up anger. I haven't yet figured out when it's healthy for me to apologize and when it's not, so for now, I'm not apologizing at all.

Then there are the Not-Really-Apologies. Here is my least favorite - "I'm, sorry you got upset." This never seemed like a real apology to me, more like - "I wish you didn't get pissed off, but I am still right."

Then there are those who Would Never Apologize because they see it as a sign of weakness, or as a sign that they did something that violates their self image as "nice people", or because they are frightened of having been wrong.

Then, finally, are the Real Apologizers, those who mess up and then deliver a heartfelt apology. These apologies are easy to recognize, because they move us in some way. They allow the possibility of reconciliation. Or, they remove or comfort a feeling of hurt.

A man who went by the name "Mr. Apology" encountered them all in a decade or more of telephone recordings on the anonymous "Apology Line" in NYC. I've even written about him on my own blog. In the 1980's and 1990's Allan Bridge, a conceptual artist in New York, started a free public service. Anyone could call Mr Apology'sanswering machine and apologize. Every week "Mr A" as he was known to regular listeners, would have a program on the machine with three parts, linked by his commentary:
1. some listener's reactions to the past week's recorded confessions, plus
2. some new confessions that had come in over the past week, and
3. a chance at the end to record one's own confession or commentary to the new confessions or comments.

What made it interesting to me, and I was a regular listener, was the compassion of Mr A. He just wanted to understand why people had "done wrong", and wanted dialogue between anyone who had been a thief and anyone who had been robbed, the abusers and the abused, the unfaithful and the betrayed. It was his belief that this would promote healing, one dialogue at a time. He commented once about "bringing things out of the darkness".

Confessions ran from the expected to the bizarre to the poignant (I recall one young boy calling very nervously to apologize for snapping a girl's bra strap in class.)
Without any advertisement except word of mouth and the occasional news article, the phone lines were always busy.

What deep human need fueled this line! I believe that as creatures we WANT to apologize and to forgive, but fear losing something in the process. For some it was just a relief to "finally tell someone". That it was anonymous was what made it at all possible. People were at least willing to be held anonymously accountable.

Carolyn speaks of apologies that went unexpressed between herself and her father, until it was too late.

...Over the next twenty years we barely had any communication and only saw each other a couple of times. I had finally decided to try and make amends with my dad and was trying to muster my courage and decide how to go about doing so, but before I got around to actually taking action, I got the call that my dad had died from a heart attack..
If you have someone in your life with whom you need to make amends, I urge you, do it before it is too late.

Vee makes it clear that apologizing is a really unselfish act.

[It is selfish ...] When you make an amend and expect some kind of gushing love fest in return. Amends should be made without an expectation of forgiveness or even acceptance of the amend.

Many religious traditions have rituals that accommodate apology. In many it is anonymous apology. There is need to tell God for many people, and to seek assurance of forgiveness, and for some they welcome the help of an intermediary. Yet as people fall away from organized religion, what takes up that role -- that need to "tell someone", even if it is not the person who deserves the apology?

Apology is a delicate spiritual act, one that must be delivered with care and compassion. It is taking on the mantle of humility and admitting wrong-doing. It is acknowledging one's own mis-step. It has profound meaning, both to the maker and often to the recipient.

One apology I know mattered very much to me was from an ex-lover, from a relationship that had ended badly. A full two yeas later he called me, saying he had realized that he had behaved badly, that I didn't deserve it, and that he wanted not only to apologize, but to thank me for a few things specifically. I could have been knocked over by a feather. I had felt "over him", but as he spoke, and the memory of the old hurt resurfaced, I knew that he had done a healing thing in calling me. The call wasn't long, but it was deep in its way, kind and compassionate. It wasn't too late to call. He had no other agenda. We haven't spoken since --- as there is no need to. We are fully "done", with no bad feelings. And all this luxury is because he called with a sincere apology. Now when I recall him, it is pleasant, even happy.

Has there been an occasion where an apology has helped you -- either as the person making or receiving it? Are there apologies that you are holding back? Why?

Mata H, CE for Religion and Spirituality also blogs at Time's Fool

]]> Step out of Western tradition to meet a goddess or two -- Part 2 of 2 : Sedna http://www.blogher.com/step-out-western-tradition-meet-goddess-or-two-part-2-2-sedna 2009-06-24T02:31:59-05:00 2009-06-24T02:33:23-05:00 Mata H In this second of two articles about goddesses, you will meet Sedna, Inuit goddess of the oceans. As with many deities there are a variety of stories about her life. This is a version of Sedna's story, assembled from the many.

Sedna was a beautiful young Inuit woman, who was considered a prime negotiating chip for her father. He wanted her to marry a wealthy man so that he would be well taken care of in his old age. Sedna would have none of it, and rejected suitor after suitor, tossing her gorgeous black hair with derision every time.

]]> In this second of two articles about goddesses, you will meet Sedna, Inuit goddess of the oceans. As with many deities there are a variety of stories about her life. This is a version of Sedna's story, assembled from the many.

Sedna was a beautiful young Inuit woman, who was considered a prime negotiating chip for her father. He wanted her to marry a wealthy man so that he would be well taken care of in his old age. Sedna would have none of it, and rejected suitor after suitor, tossing her gorgeous black hair with derision every time.

Finally a handsome suitor came along who was everything Sedna had wanted. He was tall, dark, handsome, courteous and wealthy enough to please her father. He spoke beguilingly to Sedna, so beguilingly that she agreed to wed.

What she didn't know was that this was a giant shore-bird god, who had plotted with her father and taken human form to trick her into becoming his own.

After they married, he transformed back into a giant bird and flew Sedna to a rocky, icy nest on the shore where she suffered horribly.

Time passed and stories of Sedna's deep suffering reached her father. He began to feel guilt for what he had done.

He planned a rescue effort and took his kayak to Sedna's when the bird god was off hunting. She was weak, and her once lovely hair had become a mass of tangles. As he got her into the kayak and they began heading for safety, the bird god returned and saw what had been done.

He called to all the other seabirds who flew to the sea, fanning the waves with their wings near the kayak. The waves began to swell, threatening to drown the little boat. The father realized that soon they would drown, as the kayak was taking on water.

In an effort to save himself, he threw the weakened Sedna overboard.

She clung to the side of the boat, pleading with him.

He took out his hunting knife and chopped the tip of her fingers off. Her fingers became the seals of the ocean. She grabbed on using her wrists, begging her father to save her, and he cut off her hands. Her hands became whales.

Sedna sunk to the bottom of the sea, dying. The sea creatures took pity on her and gave her the lower body of a fish so that she could survive among them. Seeing the powerful creatures that had come from her fingers and hands, they made her their queen, and in exchange received her devotion.

Whenever an Inuit wishes to hunt a sea creature, he implores Sedna to help him and release enough sea creatures for a successful hunt. They assure her that they will honor her and honor the sacrifice of the creatures. If she is in a good mood, she releases just enough animals immediately.

If she is hesitant, an Inuit shaman will have to transform into a sea creature and perform a great service for her. As she has no hands, she is unable to comb her own hair. He must comb her hair until she is satisfied. Then, she will release animals for the hunt.

Upon telling this story, I have seen some women who have been abused as children, actually cry for Sedna, and for her betrayal by her own father.

The archetype is a strong one. The story of woman who has been unjustly hurt and them triumphed in her resulting circumstances is both vivid and remarkable for its absence in other traditions.

The image survives to this day, and in addition to being an important story in Inuit communities, Sedna is also an inspiration for many works of art, the character in many stone carvings. Their is no one image for what Sedna must look like, and each artist gives her his or her own imagined view.

The above image is a Sedna that I own that was carved by a woman who specializes in renditions of Sedna, carving her over and over in a varety of poses. The artist's name is Oviloo Tunnillie.

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Carolyn tells the tale in the way she has heard it, and looks at the Sedna story as an inspiration as she ages.

I should say that I did not grow up in the Inuit culture so I am not claiming to be able to interpret, or even tell the story, correctly or at all. I am, at most, simply relating elements of the story in which I have found resonance for my own life. Really, it could be said that I am not telling the Sedna story at all, since I’m sure it is quite different within the context of Inuit life and faith, but a story that is similar and meaningful to me only, and perhaps to you, too.

That said, those elements of the story that I have heard seem to me to be a wonderful way of looking at growing older.

Jennie gives yet another version of the story, and adds:

There are many different versions to this particular myth. The names change, the specific details vary quite a bit but the essense of the story stays the same. The myth of Sedna is fairly central within the Inuit belief system, appearing in various different forms across many regions and cultural groups. Sedna has many different names - Nuliajuk (the poor wife), Niviarsiang (the girl), Kavna (she down there), Takanakapsaluk (the terrible one down there) and many others. She personified both the tragedies of life as well as the mysteries of creation. She controlled the sea creatures - and that meant that the people depended on her for survival. She was a powerful spirit. You don’t mess with Sedna.

In her blog, Nunavut Home Sweet Home - Our Land Marion writes a poem of tribute to Sedna.

Mata H , CE for Religion and Spirituality, also blogs at Time's Fool.

]]> Step out of Western tradition to meet a goddess or two -- Part 1 of 2 : Kwan Yin http://www.blogher.com/step-out-western-tradition-meet-goddess-or-two-part-1-2-kwan-yin 2009-06-19T20:42:07-05:00 2009-06-19T21:07:24-05:00 Mata H Images of powerful women exist outside Western spiritual traditions. These goddesses offer unique female spiritual insight. One of the most beloved figures in Buddhism, for example, is Kwan Yin, the Goddess of Mercy and Compassion. She is a Bodhisattva, which means that she is an enlightened being that has declined to go to "the heavenly worlds", but stays on earth to help others. She is called Quan'Am in Vietnam, Kannon in Japan, and Kanin in Bali). It is said that she hears the cries of all, and has unlimited and unconditional compassion and mercy to share.

]]> Images of powerful women exist outside Western spiritual traditions. These goddesses offer unique female spiritual insight. One of the most beloved figures in Buddhism, for example, is Kwan Yin, the Goddess of Mercy and Compassion. She is a Bodhisattva, which means that she is an enlightened being that has declined to go to "the heavenly worlds", but stays on earth to help others. She is called Quan'Am in Vietnam, Kannon in Japan, and Kanin in Bali). It is said that she hears the cries of all, and has unlimited and unconditional compassion and mercy to share.

There are many different sorts of images for her -- some show her with cupped, sightly parted hands, symbolizing the universal birth entry portal through which we all arrive in this world - the source of fertility and life. She is unmistakably female, profoundly womanly in her art and gifts. She is lovely, merciful and kind, and is said to grant boons to those who seek her kindness.

Kwan Lin, according to many sources, is reluctant to punish, even those who may have committed dreadful acts, always offering compassion and mercy to those who would seek it. In that way she is much like the Western view of Mary, Jesus's mother. She is an intermediary Madonna figure.

One feng shui site I read said,"By placing Quan Yin within a room it is said to help calm the environment of negative influences such as disappointment and arguments."

The legend of Kwan Yin is told differently in different countries, but the main thrust of it is that she was a mortal named Maio Shan. Her father wanted her to marry, but she did not, unless the marriage could do some good in the world. Her father exiled her, and later in life, when he needed medical help, here is what happened:

No physician was able to cure him. Then a monk appeared saying that the jaundice could be cured by making a medicine out of the arm and eye of one without anger. The monk further suggested that such a person could be found on Fragrant Mountain. When asked, Miao Shan willingly offered up her eyes and arms. Miao Chuang Yen was cured of his illness and went to the Fragrant Mountain to give thanks to the person. When he discovered that his own daughter had made the sacrifice, he begged for forgiveness. The story concludes with Miao Shan being transformed into the Thousand Armed Guan Yin, and the king, queen and her two sisters building a temple on the mountain for her. She began her journey to heaven and was about to cross over into heaven when she heard a cry of suffering from the world below. She turned around and saw the massive suffering endured by the people of the world. Filled with compassion, she returned to earth, vowing never to leave till such time as all suffering has ended.

Please click on this video to see a breath-taking young dance troupe of deaf dancers perform their tribute to Kwan Yin.

While the comparison to Mary is obvious, Kwan Yin also provides universal compassion and a saving grace that is demonstrated by many miracle stories.

Most cultures have a female goddess or legend that holds up the strength and virtue of women. Most cultures also filter that through a superstructure that s largely patriarchal in terms of its organized spirituality, so Kwan Yin is only elevated so far in the pantheon -- only allowed to empower women in traditional ways.

Still, when we take in the whole landscape of traditions, there is often a central woman figure, one who has not been on the best terms with her family. She passes through suffering to show ultimate compassion to all. She carries the universal message of mercy.

Next week, for the second and final installment of "Female Deities, the Mini Series" I'll write about Sedna, the Inuit Godess of the seas.

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Jane Dough just bout a Kwan Yin statue because she associates it with peaceful places and good energy.

Catarina Martinico is an artist who has just completed a rendering of Kwan Yin that is featured on her site.

Alia talks about her favorite statue of Kwan Yin and why she likes the imagery.

Sylvia presents and discusses a sermon she gave at a Baptist church about Jesus and Kwan Yin.

Che-Cheh blogs and has pictures of her visit to a temple of Kwan Yin in Korea.

Mata H, CE for Religion and Spirituality can also be found blogging at Time's Fool.

]]> Hatred and the care of the soul http://www.blogher.com/hatred-and-care-soul 2009-06-17T01:09:24-05:00 2009-06-17T01:09:24-05:00 Mata H It feels like the world has been morally burning these past few weeks. From the elation of Inauguration Day, we've all had to climb down from our hopes of some immediate transformation of the populace. We've instead found that those of us who felt joy are even more vulnerable to feeling the pain of recent acts of hatred.

]]> It feels like the world has been morally burning these past few weeks. From the elation of Inauguration Day, we've all had to climb down from our hopes of some immediate transformation of the populace. We've instead found that those of us who felt joy are even more vulnerable to feeling the pain of recent acts of hatred.

It is not my intent to catalog the acts here -- we know what they are. From Dr. Tiller's killing in his church, to having a GOP activist suggest that an escaped gorilla could be one of Michelle Obama's ancestors or the fact that some conservative Christian groups oppose expanding the existing Hate Crimes Bill to include crimes against members of the LGBT community, to the killing of the security guard at the Holocaust Museum.

Death, legislative stonewalling or insult, it's all ugly. And it all comes from hatred.

The Southern Poverty Law Center,especially with their interactive map of hate groups probably keeps the best track of the development of hate groups. Click here for info about your state.

But after we read and learn and identify -- then what? What do we do about this national cancer? How do we face it spiritually without it contaminating our own souls by making us hate the hater? How do we lift ourselves from the sadness and fear that this hate brings with it? How do we keep on keeping on...where do we point our souls?

It's a lot to take in, all this hatred...which is why we must not just take it in and let it roost inside our rib cages, breeding fear and rage. We must not let it be the evil gathering of evil ravens, brooding, making low guttural noises in our chests.

Hatred corrupts.

Vigilance and voice are both required. We must identify hatred where we see it, and we need to speak out about it when we do.

I remember attending a gay pride parade in my neighborhood when I lived in Queens.On one corner of a block was a group of haters - men and women of all ages who had been cordoned off by the police, presumably to protect them. They all carried vile signs, wishing death on the parade marchers. They all were screaming, their mouths and faces contorted with grimaces of hatred. They were screaming about how God didn't love gay people. They actually thought it was fine to be doing that -- to be wishing death, to be shouting lies about God. The parade was about to reach them. I wondered what the parade people would do.

The parade stopped. The marchers all got silent. They turned to face the haters, stood very still and said quietly, but as a large group "Shame, shame, shame on you." They them turned to face front and marched on. Every once in a while the parade would stop and do this. It was moving, affirming, and clean. They didn't let themselves take in the hatred, and they called it by its name.

I've had to turn to the words of peace makers whose hearts and souls inspire me. Here is what Desmond Tutu has said -- "There is no situation that is not transfigurable..there is no situation that is devoid of hope..." He speaks of forgiveness and says "It is abandoning my right to pay-back...When I forgive, I jettison that right of retribution and I open the door of opportunity to you to make a new beginning. That is what I do when I forgive you...I am not going to let you victimize me and hold me in the position where I have an anger against you, a resentment, and I'm looking for the opportunity to pay back."

I struggle for that ideal. I usually fall short. Yet I know in my heart it is the right direction. Looking for the compassionate choice makes more and more sense to me.

We do need to protect ourselves from acts of terror. We do need to protect ourselves from terrorists. But we need to not become them as well. When we take on torture as a form of pay-back, =for example, we have crossed a big line.

The parents of brothers, one who is gentle and the other who is violent, may well treat them differently, but they love each no less. Both are still their children. And even if the violent one hits his brother, they are still brothers. Could a member of the military waterboard his/her own brother?

But that is what they did.

Every one on this earth is our brother or our sister. We do not get to choose which ones are and are not. I want to -- I want only the good ones, the nice and shiny ones. But my faith tells me that is not a choice I have.

I have to take the messy ones too...and the ones who think I am messy.

In the past week I have asked people somewhat randomly what is needed to change things, to reduce hatred on a personal level. The most common answer I had was "respect". A need to respect others, to not necessarily love them, but to respect that they have gotten where they are by a path that makes sense to them. And that in knowing that, there can be the beginning of dialog.

That probably isn't going to work with those on the extreme edge, but it may keep someone from getting to that edge.

The days are full of references that are veiled or outright racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, etc. How often in my day do I let something pass in conversation? It's time to step up the number of times I find a way to correct someone. Yes, for example, I do need to send all those emails back saying that Obama is not American,for example, with an appropriate factual comment. I do need to at least help someone understand that not everyone in their life shares their view. It is time to stop ignoring a foolish remark simply because it is foolish. It is also dangerous. It is also no service to my sister who sent it to let her go unchallenged.

And I need to hang on to hope. There is progress being made. Look around. The ever-present media in 2009 deluges us with information and negative images with such frequency that it can be easy to skip over the fact that we have made progress.

And that would be even more dangerous.

As long as we have hope,
we have direction,
the energy to move,
and the map to move by.
We have a hundred alternatives,
a thousand paths and infinity of dreams.
Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go;
Hopeless, we are lost forever. --Lao Tzu

Let us talk about this more, as we unfold what it is that keeps us going.

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Carmi describes her conversation with her young son Noah after the killing at the Holocaust Museum when he asks her "Why does this man hate us so much?"

Suzi at the Republicans for Obama site, has opened a large discussion thread about this topic, with specific attention to how to avoid "right" and "left' polarization.

Laurel points out a Dept of Homeland Security report fro April that predicted an increase in anti Semitic acts.

In April, the Department of Homeland Security issued a draft memorandum warning that the current economic and political landscape created dangerously ripe conditions for a resurgence in radicalization and extremist recruitment. In it, federal officials warned specifically about an upswing of anti-Semitic behavior.

"Anti-Semitic extremists attribute these losses to a deliberate conspiracy conducted by a cable of Jewish 'financial elites,'" the report read. "These 'accusatory' tactics are employed to draw new recruits into right-wing extremist groups and further radicalize those already subscribing to extremist beliefs."

When the 10-page DHS memorandum was made public, however, warnings like these largely took the back seat to charges that the department had been politically motivated in its assessments and writings. Indeed, a wide swath of voices in the conservative movement -- from Rush Limbaugh to RNC Chairman Michael Steele -- lashed out at DHS Secretary Napolitano over what they deemed an anti-Republican report.

]]> Summertime's Vacation Bible School roundup http://www.blogher.com/summertimes-vacation-bible-school-roundup 2009-06-12T21:26:09-05:00 2009-06-13T11:00:32-05:00 Mata H Summer is coming, and with it some time-honored Christian traditions - notably, VBS - Vacation Bible School. All over America, many Moms are either volunteering for one of these programs, or looking forward to sending their children. VBS is a mixture of Sunday-school-type material and crafts in a playful summer setting. For some it is a topical day-care. Some churches join together to jointly sponsor a large VBS, others do it separately. It usually has the feeling of a day-camp.

]]> Summer is coming, and with it some time-honored Christian traditions - notably, VBS - Vacation Bible School. All over America, many Moms are either volunteering for one of these programs, or looking forward to sending their children. VBS is a mixture of Sunday-school-type material and crafts in a playful summer setting. For some it is a topical day-care. Some churches join together to jointly sponsor a large VBS, others do it separately. It usually has the feeling of a day-camp.

Different church programs can be elaborate or simple -- some involving weeks of preparation and set-up in advance. Most, if not all of them rely (yet again) on the Mommie-volunteer to staff these weeks.

BlogHers are involved in planning, remembering and wondering about VBS. Here are the voices of some Mommies blogging about VBS.

Linda, the beekeeper took her bees to her grandson's VBS. She even taught kids to do the bee 'wiggle dance' to communicate!

Most Mommies, like the following post by Chris, speak of the chaos and intensity of the experience, but find that it has balance when the results are in.

Chris shows pictures of the swamp theme painted on the walls that they will be using at her church. She speaks of all the work and says:

All these children in church make for a measure of chaos during the five days of VBS. It’s like an unstable uranium atom. I know now how Robert Oppenheimer, father of the atomic bomb, must have felt in the New Mexico desert day after day waiting for the big boom. Fortunately, though, we’ve had no explosions yet. Only lots of fun. And life-changing learning.

The Diaper Diaries talks about "VBS hopping" and says:

My tip, is Vacation Bible School. My kids love it and it is FREE, FREE, FREE!! Of course our church doesn’t offer it, so I am forced to hit up friends for their VBS schedule and I mooch of their church. I am not sure how churches feel about me making the rounds around town, but I at least make sure I know someone in the congregation.

Carol recalls memories of VBS from her childhood.

VBS at our little Baptist church began the week
after Memorial Day, and was a two week event.
None of our mothers worked out of the home
so they were experts of dedicating themselves to VBS.

MamaHen talks about the trials of teaching;

But, I might get the VBS teacher of the week award. And all because of a certain five year old boy named Robert. Who won't walk. And its not because he can't. He just chooses not too. And he won't talk to us. He pouts and lets us carry him around from room to room.

Freebutterfly writes of plans for VBS and all the last minute details:

Earlier this evening, I ran through my parking lot chasing a rogue balloon. As I jogged after the escaped pink balloon that just kept bouncing along even though there wasn’t much of a breeze, I was also grasping the handles of four kitchen trash bags that were full of roughly 32 more balloons.

I was doing this while in my pajamas. A very cutesy set with pink hearts all over the pants, but pajamas nonetheless.

Why was I doing this? VBS. Vacation Bible School. For two of the groups tomorrow, I slipped little notes with “You are special!” and “God loves you!” along with the memory verse into about 40 balloons. The balloons’ only purpose in their short life is to get popped at the very end of the lesson. (Note to self: remember to bring Extra Strength Tylenol…) It took me a very long time to get that done, especially because I am horrible at tying up balloons. The Husband had to help me when he came home.

The Queen B talks about her love of cows and her hesitant moments around VBS.

Teaching is not my thing.

Guilt, however, is my thing.

There are never enough adults to go around.

I may have been a teensy bit grumpy on our way to VBS yesterday.

The Princess said, "Mom. Since when did telling kids about Jesus put you in a bad mood?"

"Um. Today?"

I totally know that VBS is the only place some of the kids will hear about Jesus.

Once I get there, I can get into it. The kids are really sweet.

Though they do touch you a lot.

Slackermama is definitely not having fun at VBS.

I’m plain exhausted. I’ve made no secret on here that I’m not good with taking care of other people’s children. And this has been three VERY LONG days worth of other people’s children. The thought of going back tomorrow makes me want to pull my lip back over my head and hide under it.

Dana volunteers as a teacher despite her natural instincts to the contrary;

Last night we kicked off our week-long VBS. My job as the song leader is to exhibit an enthusiasm not unlike that of a cheerleader, which is completely unnatural for me, typically. I was the girl who was briefly scolded by my cheerleading coach for not being "perky" enough and for looking forlorn on the floor.

Renae addresses the huge issue of what to do with all those VBS (and other) crafts that your children will bring home. What do you DO with all that stuff?

Mommies are working hard in yet another program designed to show their children more about the world -- in this case the world of faith.

Have you volunteered at a VBS? Do your children attend?

]]> A bat, a gun, a robbery -- and an inspiring act of compassion http://www.blogher.com/bat-gun-robbery-and-inspiring-act-compassion 2009-06-10T20:40:44-05:00 2009-06-10T20:37:07-05:00 Mata H A Pakistani shopkeeper who came to America 20 years ago is about to be robbed by a man wielding a baseball bat. The shopkeeper takes out his gun. The robber collapses in tears, begs for mercy. The shopkeeper, Mohammed Sohhail later said: "He started crying that he was out of work and was trying to feed his hungry family...I felt bad for him. I mean, this wasn't some kid."

]]> A Pakistani shopkeeper who came to America 20 years ago is about to be robbed by a man wielding a baseball bat. The shopkeeper takes out his gun. The robber collapses in tears, begs for mercy. The shopkeeper, Mohammed Sohhail later said: "He started crying that he was out of work and was trying to feed his hungry family...I felt bad for him. I mean, this wasn't some kid."

CNN reported that:

Amidst the man's apologies and pleas, Sohail said he felt a surge of compassion.
He made the man promise never to rob anyone again and when he agreed, Sohail gave him $40 and a loaf of bread.
"When he gets $40, he's very impressed, he says, 'I want to be a Muslim just like you,' " Sohail said, adding he had the would-be criminal recite an Islamic oath.
"I said 'Congratulations. You are now a Muslim and your name is Nawaz Sharif Zardari.'"
Sohail said that if the police ever find the robber, he won’t press charges. And “if he wants to come to my store, he can come back - but just don’t come back with a mask,” Sohail said.

This story has been pounding away at my heart since I read it. I imagined myself in the shopkeeper's shoes, the shoes of a Pakistani convenience store owner. You know he must have heard any number of racist epithets in his years here. And here comes a thug with a baseball bat wanting to rob him. What if I had been the one being robbed? I'd have had a robber on his knees. I'd have had a shotgun. The robber would have cried.

I fear that in my heart I would have called the police, had the man arrested and gone home complaining about the state of the town, or of kids, or of immigrants as targets. Would I have given him money, food and discussed faith?

I wish I could say "yes" with certainty, but I am not sure I could find compassion so instantly. I might have tried later to do something, but in the heat of the moment, the real teachable moment, I'm not sure I would measure up.

In San Francisco, recently, The Dalai Lama gave out awards to people who exhibit everyday compassion to a remarkable degree. One of the winners, Grace Dammannsaid,

"I realize now that my greatest happiness in life has been in my service to people, particularly the joy that comes from being totally present with my own and their suffering. My new emphasis in service is to remind myself of this motto, 'Do it now, just do it now, and be more responsive.' If you want to know how you are doing, just ask the people around you. They will be happy to tell you. Your job is to just listen and absorb it. Take it in. Really try to understand your impact on other people. If you want to know how you are doing at work, just ask your colleagues. Finally, if you want to know how you’re doing in the world, just ask the trees and wind, and watch the sun.

A zillion years ago I wrote a column about how compassion is inspired by the phrase : "What would I do if I loved this person?"

If I could manage to think that in a moment of anger or upset, I know my actions would shift for the better. So that is my vow for the week at least...to ask myself that question every time I feel any kind of prickliness arrive -- in traffic, in a store, on the phone with recalcitrant customer service, between me and anyone else. I'll ask the question:

"WHAT WOULD I DO IF I LOVED THIS PERSON?"

Sohail has had his own share of problems, his own share of dealing with debt, and instead of taking that out on his would-be robber, he unleashes his fine wave of compassion. The robber runs from the store when Sohail goes back to get him a bottle of milk. Sohail wasn't through giving.

In the various accounts of what Sohail did, there is no mention of him hesitating or wondering about his decision. He simply acted from his heart.

He was simply acting as if he loved that person -- or, even more likely, he simply acted from love.

Isn't that what all religions call us to do? Whether Pagan, Wiccan, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Moslem, Hindu, or any other stripe of belief. Live from profound love. That is the heart of any spiritual matter. Plus, it feels good to do good. Muhammed Sohail said, as he looked back on the event, "I'm a very little man. I just did a good job," said the married father of one. "I have a good feeling in my heart. I feel very good."

So join me, try to ask yourselves "What would I do if I loved that person?" See if it changes you.

And please comment about how acts of compassion, even small ones, have touched you -- or how you have chosen to be kind. Let's spread news about compassion!

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Related blogs

Monicka makes an interesting point about our Constitution being grounded in compassion:

It strikes me that the constitution is a direct act of compassion. It is predicated on empathy, the direct and full comprehension of another person's situation. Had we not had a care for the suffering of fellow human beings, we would have had very little motivation to leave feudalism behind. Sure, people wanted a good life for themselves, but they could have gone about it by each fighting to be on top. It could be, our ancestors were just smart enough to realize how counterproductive that was in an interdependent society.

Confessional had a rough day at the grocery store. In a busy day full of jostling customers, and lacking in mannered courtesy, she found a small moment of compassion to sweeten her day:

I do recall a near collision today, in which two people stood standing there between mountains of bread and other baked goodies, staring at each other. With a twinkle in each eye, the older gentleman said kindly: "Ladies first". I grinned on the way by, with an appreciative: "Thank you"... and we both carried on... It was lovely.

We all have a lot of work to do but it is not impossible...
And it starts with you and I.

Mandy who has adopted older children talks about compassion and children:

I'm not sure when I came to my senses, but it hit me one day that you cannot teach compassion you have to model it. Like anything else if you try and pound it into their heads they fight you. They learn much better by watching and seeing the satisfaction you get from giving or doing a good deed.

Elizabeth has some fine things to say about what compassion is not

Being compassionate means that you acknowledge someone else is in need of help, but you don’t insult them by being condescending when you offer it — no matter what you may personally think of their situation. You help them without compounding their misfortune through blame or conversely, making it all about your moral superiority. You don’t have to love the person you’re helping. You don’t even have to like them. But the last thing that person probably needs is to be patronized or made into a convenient foil to display how kind-hearted you are. If there is a time for judgment, that time is when deciding whether or not to offer help in the first place — which depends on your personal ethics. Once you’ve decided to help, though, to be compassionate means that you don’t judge the person you’re helping.

Souvenirs and Scars,a young Muslima, says:

Sohail seemed so good-hearted about it! He said that he emphasized with the man, and his plight. And he gave him bread and 40 dollars. The man then said that he was inspired and wanted to be just like him. He asked to convert, and Sohail had him recite the shahada (I witness that there is no God but God and Muhammed is His messenger).
Now, put all your cynicism aside – I know I had plenty negative thoughts – and realize: Sohail made a difference. He changed someone. He taught someone something. He made a difference!
How many of us can say that?

Then there is the issue of having compassion for ourselves. Thalia Took speaks of a time in her childhood when she needed (and got) compassionate help. In later years she wondered if she could have handled the situation herself, and then reminds herself:

...And so I find myself remembering that I must have compassion, also, for that scared little girl; and that I cannot judge what I did then by what I would do now. That, also, is key. For kindness and compassion must begin with the self.
So I would also say, this week look back on your past and find someplace where you judge yourself harshly. And look on that act, if you can, with kindness and forgiveness and compassion.


]]> Alysa Stanton ordained as 1st African American woman rabbi in the world. http://www.blogher.com/alysa-stanton-ordained-1st-african-american-woman-rabbi-world 2009-06-08T18:57:14-05:00 2009-06-08T18:57:14-05:00 Mata H According to Hebrew Union College, there are almost 400,000 Jewish African Americans as part of the total of 6,000,000 Jewish people in the US. One of them, Alysa Stanton, has just been ordained as the first African American woman rabbi in the whole world. This is a very big moment.

]]> According to Hebrew Union College, there are almost 400,000 Jewish African Americans as part of the total of 6,000,000 Jewish people in the US. One of them, Alysa Stanton, has just been ordained as the first African American woman rabbi in the whole world. This is a very big moment.

As I wandered through the blogosphere, trying to put my finger to the pulse on the reaction to this huge event, I was surprised by how underplayed it seemed to be. Has the Obama "first" made us casual when a similar "first" happens? The comments I did find were overwhelmingly positive, however. I am ready to break out the champagne here, just from my own personal happiness.

Imagine it -- the first African American woman who is ordained a rabbi. Whew. The first.

Alysa, now 45, the divorced mother of a 14 year old daughter, grew up as a Pentacostal Christian in a Jewish neighborhood in Cleveland. She converted to Reform Judaism over 20 years ago.

Cocoa Fly writes about the difficulties that Rabbi Stanton has encountered thus far and says:

Alysa Stanton reportedly is looking forward to the new phase in her life but she describes the journey up until this point as a "lonely journey." I could only imagine what she has endured. God bless her for staying strong and not allowing anyone or any -isms stop her from fulfilling her calling. The sista is an inspiration and an example of the diversity within the black community.

Quotes from her show a grounded, bright, and determined woman. Her goals seem focused and center on the tasks at hand. She is a woman who has had some struggle in her life. She speaks from that place of having moved beyond much of it, and learned from the rest of it.

The Cincinnati Enquirer quotes her as saying: "I don't think about it a lot," she says of her milestone. "It's daunting. I'm honored. I'm in awe. And I have a healthy dose of reverence."

The New York Times marks these quotes: “I’m just a little person trying to pay my bills and raise a daughter and help others on their spiritual path,” said Ms. Stanton, a single mother who adopted an infant girl 14 years ago. --- and --- As she prepared for her ordination, Ms. Stanton said she did not want to be reminded of the ceremony’s historic importance. “I feel awe and a healthy dose of fear about being the first,” she said. “I try to keep it simple. I am a Jew, and I will die a Jew."

In August she will move to Greenville, NC to serve Bayt Shalom, one of the few congregations in the US that is both Conservative and Reform. She will start out as part-time, but it s expected that will expand to full-time.

The Irving Havurahtells us that:

The irony of a black woman presiding over a white congregation in the deep south is not lost on Stanton.

"God has a sense of humor," she said.

CNN quoted this comment about Stanton's goals at Bayt Shalom, a small congregation of 60 families: ""My goals as a rabbi are to break down barriers, build bridges and provide hope. I look forward to being the spiritual leader of an inclusive sacred community that welcomes and engages all."

The CNN article goes on to say:

Before her rabbinical training, she studied social psychology, neuropsychology and interpersonal relationships at Lancaster University in England in 1983-84; received a Bachelor of Science degree in psychology in 1988; earned a Master of Education degree in counseling and multiculturalism in 1992 from Colorado State University; and received a professional counselor license in 1998.

Stanton worked as a student rabbi, served as a chaplain, had clinical pastoral training and promoted interfaith dialogue at Reform communities in the United States. She studied at the HUC-JIR campus in Jerusalem and then at Cincinnati, Ohio.

This may be a joyous time for her and for her congregation. But being the first at anything carries its share of problems as well. Stanton speaks of cold shoulders or worse from here to Israel. She describes how her daughter was ill-treated and scorned in Israel. But she just kept nurturing her daughter, coming back, persisting, living into the dream. She speaks in almost every interview of her faith keeping her strong. The overall image is of a woman who has been steadfast in her faith.

Nia Online says, "Mazal Tov Rabbi Stanton! We wish you all the best!"

Merlene Davis who has spoken to Rabbi Stanton, said "The last time I talked with Alysa Stanton, she said she would have converted to Judaism and submitted to the rigors of becoming a rabbi even if she had been the 50,000th African-American woman to do so instead of the history-making first."

Jewlicious had this to say:

I think that her success stands not only as an example for all, but also as proof that in some ways, we’re really moving forward.

Dunking Rachael refers to Alysa Stanton as "A woman of Valor".

Jezebel quotes the Atlanta press:

One rabbi talked to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about the conversion process:

He asks every convert: "Why would you ever want to be Jewish? Don't you know how many people hate us?"...The black converts respond differently, he said. They look at him as if to say: "Welcome to my world."

Click here for a transcript of a 10 minute interview with Rabbi Stanton.

Things are changing in America. The ordination of Alysa Stanton is a massive change in the symbology of the American religious landscape. When we think "Rabbi" in America, it isn't going to be just a white man or maybe a white woman anymore. One powerful image that can come to mind now is that of Alysa Stanton. The waves of inclusion may be rippling outward. That is my hope, my dream, and I am sure yours as well.

As for me, I'm going to say a prayer for her and for her daughter's happiness -- and that they both have found "home". Care to join me?

What do you think of this news?

Mata H, CE for Religion and Spirituality blogs about all manner of things on her blog, Time's Fool

]]> Different spirits from different lives : A Ramble through the blogroll http://www.blogher.com/different-spirits-different-lives-ramble-through-blogroll 2009-06-02T23:38:06-05:00 2009-06-02T23:38:06-05:00 Mata H There are times when I love to go walking around everyone else's ideas. I love plinking through the blogrolls of Religion and Spirituality here. While it may be clear what makes a "Food Blogger" post in the Food Category, it is not always so clear what draws a BlogHer to the Religion and Spirituality Category. This is delightful, and makes for a wonderfully diverse read. I have just spent hours trying to be orderly about my perusal. Happily, I have failed. It has been a wander that has made hours vanish.

]]> There are times when I love to go walking around everyone else's ideas. I love plinking through the blogrolls of Religion and Spirituality here. While it may be clear what makes a "Food Blogger" post in the Food Category, it is not always so clear what draws a BlogHer to the Religion and Spirituality Category. This is delightful, and makes for a wonderfully diverse read. I have just spent hours trying to be orderly about my perusal. Happily, I have failed. It has been a wander that has made hours vanish.

I've been so impressed with the average everyday BlogHer, who in recounting her everyday events, does so with grace, talent and thoughtfulness. Women are in this category whose lives may not be anything like yours or mine -- which is wonderful. See and understand the world through the heart of a writing woman who differs from you by exploring some of the blogs below -- or by doing your own happy ramble through the category.

Lizzie at Dusty Frame, a conservative Christian, talks about the feelings she had when her husband was in prison.

When things for me were at their very worst, I remember walking through the grocery store. It felt surreal to see people living normal lives, while I walked through the store barely able to keep from sobbing.
I thought, “No one would ever know what I’m dealing with.”
It’s a reminder to me that people walk around this world every day carrying burdens that are huge. Their sobs are barely contained under a thin layer that looks like a smile–a layer that looks like “normal”. No one can tell what they’re dealing with.

That’s why we need to be on the lookout for opportunities to serve and minister. How do you know that the person you show kindness to or speak a blessing to isn’t a person who desperately needs it at that moment?

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Nancy at Affirming Spirit talks about ghow she believes the way we think about God or a Higher Power shapes our lives.

Ultimately, how we see our connection to God or Divine Source or the Quantum Matrix is an indicator of how our life experiences will play out. If we feel we are at the mercy of the higher power in our life, we often feel helpless, fearful, and that we have no control over our daily experiences. We’ll feel that someone else always had full control and we must tolerate whatever comes to pass. Folks who feel this way have thoughts and prayers that resemble begging (please, please, puleeeeeeeeez!!!), tend to be fearful that they won’t be heard (by others and by their higher power), and rarely expect their needs to be met by anyone—let alone their higher power.

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Adventures on the Journey by Idara is a very interesting blog in which she discusses the spirituality of self-empowerment.

I celebrated my birthday the other day- and as the case would be for someone like me- "monkey mind" is in full swing; surveying the landscape of my life, wondering how I have gotten from Point A to the inauguration of my fourth decade here on Earth. I am attempting to fully wrap my head around the idea that my decisions I have made have brought me to where I am today. I know this intellectually; but really knowing this and "owning it" requires a bit of backbone, and a self-empowered one at that.

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In All Considering, Katinka speaks of renunciation and has some fascinating things to say about its application. Here is a taste:

Renunciation is a strange ideal. It’s the ideal of voluntary poverty. Voluntary poverty only means something when there is riches to begin with. One admires the Buddha for wandering through what’s now Nepal and Northern India, not so much because he was poor, but because he left behind riches. If he hadn’t been rich to begin with, he’d have merely been a vagrant.

The American dream is sort of the opposite. It starts with poverty, ideally after immigration, and ends in riches, after hard work.

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Tess, at Anchors and Masts blogs about activating her artistic side later in life, and discovering new paths of awareness.

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Nina Amir loves gardening, and compares her garden with the lapse in her Jewish spiritual practice:

Like any garden that goes untended, the garden of my soul also has begun to grow weeds and the plants have begun to die. I’ve forgotten some of the lessons I once knew, and bad habits, like gophers, have begun to live there and kill off the good habits. This has happened because I’m not paying attention; I’m not focusing on keeping the garden healthy and thriving.

It’s time for me to make time to weed, till, fertilize, plant, water, prune the garden of my soul. It’s time for me to take time — make time — for the spiritual side of my life once again.

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The Bible Belt Balabusta writes about being Jewish in a part of the country where most people are not. In this entry she describes a typical dining experience with a waiter on a Sunday:

“So what church you go to?” is a conversational opener I hear quite a bit. ... This is where I am told my religion is, well, the one that “killed Christ,” that was triumphed by another religion 2,000 years ago. This is where I hear the personal stories of salvation. This is where I have been told I am going to hell. This happens a lot. At least it does to me.

.........

Miriam, in "Black Fire, White Fire" discusses her life in Israel as a African American woman who has converted to Judaism. Fascinating!

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Black Oaks Daughter talks about turning her life around, and making the needful physical and spiritual changes she needs to in order to accomplish that.

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Blisschick describes a recent Dave Brubeck Concert. (for those among you who by some odd quirk of horrible fate do not recognize the name -- click here.)

Dave Brubeck, a man who changed jazz and all of music, had only played the piano once in the past two months due to illness. We were lucky to see him. We may have been witnessing one of his last concerts.

As he came out, I worried. Were we to see a legend diminished? Would it feel...embarrassing?

Then his fingers touched the keys and he took us away from the material world and into the magical mystery that is music as composed and played by genius.

Far from seeing his powers diminished, I was witnessing a man fully engaged in his gift, radiating joy and generosity. A man free of his ego and immersed in Grace.

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See what I mean? From the struggle of a prisoner's wife to the discoveries of a convert to Judaism who is African American and living in Israel, women are on the move spiritually -- thinking, feeling, refining, empowering and learning. And in our wonderful collection of BlogHers, teaching us all as well. Thanks, BlogHers!

Brava!

Time's Fool is where you can also find Mata H, CE for Religion and Spirituality.

]]> Worry is a soul eater. Does it munch at your house, too? http://www.blogher.com/worry-soul-eater-does-it-munch-your-house-too 2009-05-28T08:31:49-05:00 2009-05-28T09:03:55-05:00 Mata H Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere. --Unknown

Worry wastes our time and corrodes our innards. Yet we almost enshrine it. I wish worry worked. If it did, we would have no world problems, no personal problems. But in all the history of people worrying in the world, there has not been one example in which worry moved anything forward. There are plenty of examples, however, of how worry froze the person feeling it, and immobilized them into inaction. Or gave them ulcers. Or spastic colons. Or rashes. Or all of the above.

]]> Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere. --Unknown

Worry wastes our time and corrodes our innards. Yet we almost enshrine it. I wish worry worked. If it did, we would have no world problems, no personal problems. But in all the history of people worrying in the world, there has not been one example in which worry moved anything forward. There are plenty of examples, however, of how worry froze the person feeling it, and immobilized them into inaction. Or gave them ulcers. Or spastic colons. Or rashes. Or all of the above.

The site of the Dalai Lama says, that when asked how he deals with worry, the Dalai Lama replied:

"If the problem is such that there is a solution then what need to be worried? And if the problem is such that there is no solution, then what is the point of being so worried?"

Let's look at worry -- let's peel back its bruised, hot shell and get a closer look. What does worry say?
"I cannot control the outcome, so I worry." -or-
"I do not know what, if anything, I can do -- so I worry." -or-
"I want something to happen that isn't happening, so I worry." -or-
"I have to be prepared for anything -- so I have to imagine all outcomes and plan ahead for them, or things will go wrong --so I worry." -or-
"I'll get blamed if things go wrong, so I worry."

Stefanie is dealing with powerful issues regarding the speed of her daughter's development, and speaks of worry when she says:

I hate to harp. Scratch that, I love to harp. I love to work problems over and over in my mind (or Google) until they become like a piece of driftwood that has been worried by the tides for years and years and is finally smooth and edgeless - only then can I finally discard them. But, as you know, worry doesn't change anything. As I described a few posts ago, I have been choosing a different path. It's my own thing: a blend of optimism -as in I have every reason to believe that Sadie will be fine and progress; an adjustment of expectations - developing much more slowly than her sister is another form of fine; needing a few years of therapy and possibly having a learning disability or other challenges is also a form of fine. Is it fine like I'm throwing a parade and princess waving from atop a float to show how awesome it is that my baby isn't meeting her milestones? Not exactly. But it is what it is.

What a fine spiritual lesson. How much more energy she has to love her child by letting go of that over which she has no control. Accepting and loving what is instead of only worrying about what might be is a tough road, but one that introduces a freer journey. It seems to me that the key here is allowing one's soul to believe that whatever happens, there will be a loving way forward.

Deb says


Don't worry about next week's problems today. I do think about them, because I might come up with a solution, but worry doesn't change anything. This principle was one of the hardest for me to discover. I used to think that if I was worrying, I was working. Not.

That is so true -- the fine illusion that worry=doing something.

A person could worry about paying bills, or she could get a job, or ask for help. I am not saying that self-reliance is always the answer, or even an answer. These are tough economic times, with very real crises in the world. Many of the answers we get to problems will not be what we want. What on earth am I suggesting -- that we do not worry about things that are real threats?

Not at all.

I am saying that we need to redirect worry into action when we can, and to let go of it if there is no action that will lift it.

I loved this quote by Michael de Montaigne -- “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which have never happened” It's called "catastrophizing" -- taking an ordinary human worry and stretching it out to its illogical conclusion -- I have an itch. Maybe I am allergic to something. Or it could be a rash. If I scratch it, I could infect it. Then it might contract one of those flesh-eating bacteria. There is no cure for that. If I get that, I could have a reduced life. My family would suffer. I'll never see the Taj Mahal, and will die alone.

Granted, that may be a bit extreme, but I have seen it happen among my friends and managed to execute its scary little pirouette once or twice myself. There are some kinds of worry that are just plain silly.

Yet every religious tradition knows that worry is soul-eating. Look at these three quotes from Sufi, Jewish and Christian writings.

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.” Rumi

Isa. 35:4 - "Say to those with anxious heart, 'Take courage, fear not.'

Philippians 4:6
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.

Blackgirlinmaine has suffered severely from crippling worry. She is finding relief through yoga, a method that as a "recovering Evangelical Christian" she would have rejected years before now. She says, in a very personal and generous post:

During my session as the layers were peeled off mentally, I entered a state where I found myself repeating that I would not worry but my mind started reminding me of my favorite bible passages that speak to not worrying. It was a truly cathartic and relaxing experience. In the midst of what some of my fellow Evangelicals would call an un-Godly experience, I felt God’s presence deeper than I have in a very long time.

It can be so hard to let go of worry -- or, by changing our perspective just *that much* we can let it go -- at least for a while. If worry troubles your life, here are some suggestions:

1. Do a visualization: Imagine putting your worry in a small box. In the visualization, walk with your worry to the hands of God or the universe. Bid the worry farewell, and entrust it away from you. Walk away.

2. Write a list of worries. Next to it, write what you personally can do about each worry. Do what you can. For those items with nothing to be done -- stop the worry. There is nothing you can do. Physically cross them off the list.

3. 12 Step programs have a great phrase "Let go, and let God." (God in the 12 step context as any higher power that has meaning for you.) Trust that the world is bigger than your ability to control it. Trust that there is good in the universe. Trust that you have done/are doing what you can. Then release the rest for the Universe/God/Higher Power to handle.

As the beloved peanuts creator, Charles M. Schultz, said: "Don't WORRY about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. "

Excessive worry is not helpful. Talk to a professional if there is nothing you can do but be consumed by it. But for other worry, do try to find that we can all afford to lose.

Please chime in, folks -- how do you best manage worry? How much soul-energy does worry eat up in your life?

Mata H, CE for Religion and Spirituality also blogs at Time's Fool. She gave up biting her nails many yers ago. And she no longer gets worry-rashes.

]]> Americans are in religious flux - new PEW Forum study http://www.blogher.com/americans-are-religious-flux-new-pew-forum-study 2009-05-26T23:46:09-05:00 2009-05-26T23:46:09-05:00 Mata H Gone are the days when religious affiliation was an identity assigned at birth. The PEW FORUM on American Religious Life just completed another major survey indicating some surprising changes in the American religious landscape.

]]> Gone are the days when religious affiliation was an identity assigned at birth. The PEW FORUM on American Religious Life just completed another major survey indicating some surprising changes in the American religious landscape. We are a nation of spiritual seekers on the move -- "44% of adults have either switched religious affiliation, moved from being unaffiliated with any religion to being affiliated with a particular faith, or dropped any connection to a specific religious tradition altogether." (Men are more likely (<20%) to claim no affiliation than are women (13%).)

Fragmenting quickly

...the United States is on the verge of becoming a minority Protestant country; the number of Americans who report that they are members of Protestant denominations now stands at barely 51%. Moreover, the Protestant population is characterized by significant internal diversity and fragmentation, encompassing hundreds of different denominations loosely grouped around three fairly distinct religious traditions - evangelical Protestant churches (26.3% of the overall adult population), mainline Protestant churches (18.1%) and historically black Protestant churches (6.9%).

While those Americans who are unaffiliated with any particular religion have seen the greatest growth in numbers as a result of changes in affiliation, Catholicism has experienced the greatest net losses as a result of affiliation changes. While nearly one-in-three Americans (31%) were raised in the Catholic faith, today fewer than one-in-four (24%) describe themselves as Catholic. These losses would have been even more pronounced were it not for the offsetting impact of immigration.

In non-Christian groups,

...most Jews (1.7% of the overall adult population) identify with one of three major groups: Reform, Conservative or Orthodox Judaism. Similarly, more than half of Buddhists (0.7% of the overall adult population) belong to one of three major groups within Buddhism: Zen, Theravada or Tibetan Buddhism. Muslims (0.6% of the overall adult population) divide primarily into two major groups: Sunni and Shia...Hindus, now account for approximately 0.4% of the population.

Married folks:
Four in ten of married people responding to the survey were married to someone of a different religious affiliation. The survey further states:"Hindus and Mormons are the most likely to be married (78% and 71%, respectively) and to be married to someone of the same religion (90% and 83%, respectively). Mormons and Muslims are the groups with the largest families; more than one-in-five Mormon adults and 15% of Muslim adults in the U.S. have three or more children living at home."

Political Differences

These screens will tell you how the different groups came down on various social issues -- like abortion, the size of government, homosexuality, whether or not the government should be involved in protecting morality, the environment and world affairs.

One thing is clear -- we are on the move spiritually. There is an obvious decline in institutional affiliations, but the number of people who claim some sort of belief is still strong - with only 5% declaring atheism. The phrase "I am not religious, but I am spiritual" is, I suspect, going to be heard more and more often.

The PEW study also says that there is traffic from those raised with no religion, into religion in later life. Movement is happening both into the swinging doors and out of them.

It used to be the case that during the largely white immigration waves of the turn of the century, ones national origin defined ones religion. If you were Polish, as were my ancestors, you were going to be either Catholic or Jewish. There just were not many other choices.

Whatever seemed to be a choice then, pales by today's fragmentation. As the immigrants assimilated over time with a then largely-protestant population, intermarriages began, and communities became more mobile, increasingly transient. Can this assimilation and mobility be the underpinning of the change that we see now?

Or, is it that as Americans we are less and less trustful of institutions? Or is it that we are less "brand centered" than before? Are we becoming "faith consumers"? How many of you have left the religious upbringing of your birth? Were the reasons spiritual or otherwise pragmatic?

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RELATED BLOG COMMENTARY

PJ Miller reports on the "firestorm" that erupted in the blogosphere when this survey came out. She says:

It showed that just over six in 10 white evangelical Protestants say that the use of torture against suspected terrorists in order to gain important information can be “often” or “sometimes” justified. That is much higher than the number of white Catholics, 51 percent; mainline Protestants, 46 percent; and religiously unaffiliated, 40 percent, who say the technique should be an option in interrogations.

The blogosphere blew up, with representatives of various faiths — and even some evangelicals — accusing evangelicals of forsaking the love-thine-enemy doctrine of Christianity, and evangelicals protesting that they were being unfairly tarred as un-Christian.

But the original analysis overlooked a centrally important piece of information: the big dividing line on public support for torture as a tool in terrorism investigations is along partisan lines, not religious ones.

Jill puts out her evangelical Christian perspective that torture is never justified, and discusses the Pew survey as a shocking revelation.

Valerie Terico a "recovering fundamentalist" grapples with the theological issue of evangelicals and the torture-approval rate on the Pew study.

]]> Something like a sweetness - the progress of grief in the spring http://www.blogher.com/something-sweetness-progress-grief-spring 2009-05-22T23:33:44-05:00 2009-05-22T23:33:44-05:00 Mata H My Father used to tell me about grief. He said that he always missed his mother. But he added -- "...somehow, over time, the hurt doesn't ever go away for good, but something like a sweetness comes in beside it."

I've been talking to a lot of grieving people lately -- people who are recalling losses from long ago. Is it the spring that does that? The sudden life reminder? Does the arrival of new life remind us of old departures?

]]> My Father used to tell me about grief. He said that he always missed his mother. But he added -- "...somehow, over time, the hurt doesn't ever go away for good, but something like a sweetness comes in beside it."

I've been talking to a lot of grieving people lately -- people who are recalling losses from long ago. Is it the spring that does that? The sudden life reminder? Does the arrival of new life remind us of old departures?

Today, some more of that sweetness my father talked about arrived for me as I recalled my own Mom. Today was a stunning spring day. I now live (after almost 40 years absence) about 4 blocks from my childhood home. And today, on the cool winds of a sunny spring day, a gust load of memories arrived.

My Mom was a fine old gal, full of zest until the end of her time with us, snatching every ounce of living that she could from the time that she had. I live across the street from one of the sites of a favorite familial memory. At the time of the memory, I lived in NYC and was heading back here to Massachusetts for a weekend with the folks. Instead of the normal shopping outing, I suggested to my mother that we do something new -- something she had wanted to do for a while, or had never done before. She agreed to think about it.

Ten minutes later my office phone rang.
Mom: I know what I want to do.
Me: What is that?
Mom: You'll laugh.
Me: I promise, I will not laugh.
Mom: I want to fly a kite.

I didn't laugh. I stopped off at a toy store and bought her a great box kite with tons of string and yards of tail. When I got home she was ready to rock, as excited as a kid. "Did you bring my kite?" she asked, trying to hide the thrill in her 70+ year old voice. But her eyes gave her away. They were gleaming.

Soon we were in a public park, a park just across the street from where I now live. My mother was not well, ill with what would take her life a few years later. We sat her in a lawn chair, and got her kite far aloft, then handed her the string winder.

She was the picture of joy.

Way off to our right were a couple of young boys, flying their own dragon kites, swooping and sailing their ominous fighting kites with boy-power behind them.

"Peter, Peter," my mother called to my father, "my kite is higher than theirs, right?"
Dad: Yes, it sure is. A lot higher.
Mom: (to me) Higher, for sure?
Me: MUCH higher.
Mom: I want it even higher. (She gave him a conspiratorial grin.)

We told her to just let it fly and rise, and assured her that her kite was the highest in the park. Then I sat at her feet on one side, and my Dad sat on the other. Once in a while he'd jump up, and adjust something, then hand the kite back to her.

I don't know how many minutes went by. But there we were -- a 70+ year old blissed-out woman sitting in a lawn chair, flying a kite and her proud daughter and husband sitting at her feet.

I remember thinking that I would never forget that day, that moment -- and today the feeling of wind on my arms and the sight of green grasses in the park brought back those minutes as clearly as if they just happened.

It was a sacred moment, a holy gift, a rush of thanksgiving, a reminder of how sweet time with her was at its best. It was an instant of heart soothing Grace.

It was a lesson, a nudge maybe even from God to go fly my own kite a bit more, to let it go higher, higher.

And it was my Mom, perhaps back for a visit, leaving another small thread of sweetness to wind among the sad ones.

I had thought of writing another article tonight, and had even started it. It was much more scholarly than this. But something nudged me to share this -- oh, I don't mean in any wowie-kozmik-zowie-new-agie way -- just a feeling that I should be talking about grief on a fine spring evening. That I should be reminding those of you dealing with grief that a sweetness can and does come after a time. When I recalled the story about my mother, I didn't cry, didn't feel sad. I laughed again, and felt -- well, I felt wonderful.

If your grief is sharp today, please take what heart that you can. Over time, it will ease and something new will join it -- as my Dad said, "something like a sweetness". I never thought it would for me, but I was (happily) wrong.

In the interim, you are not alone; and I will pray that your grief is eased.

Oh, and it may be time to fly that kite if you haven't yet. Give your family the gift of you getting to have a wish -- a dream -- come true -- right before their very eyes.

Please, share a sweet memory here with us - a glimpse of joy you shared with a departed loved one. It is so important to let folks know that it is possible to walk through the heart of grief, and to emerge whole -- changed, but whole.

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RELATED BLOGS

Christineis mourning the death of her adult daughter, who passed away about 2 years ago. Sh espeaks of how grief changes. First it is searingly sharp:

Then other times, it feels like there is movement and softness and comfort like no other.
Then other times, it feels like so much has changed that you can't even remember the sounds of her voice...nor the other voices of the ones gone on.

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Angie Ng was a blogger, wife and mommy to three who died this Aprilm of cancer. She left a moving posthumous blog entry, which ends:

So till we meet again one day in God’s house, I bid you farewell and leave you now with these words:
“Perhaps my time seemed all too brief Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief. Lift up your hearts and peace to thee God wanted me now; He set me free”

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Amanda is no stranger to grief, and just lost her beloved grandmother.

After a week like this though, my rhythm is all messed up and I long for the pace of normal life. But when I got home, I found myself a little lost. This isn't unusual for me, I just don't know where to pick up after being so busy and gone...and grieving.
I have grieved before. A divorce, two sweet babies gone to me by miscarriage. I know grief well. It comes in waves, it never leaves soon and it's best accompanied with tears, memories, comic relief and the beat of sameness.
So this week, I'm creating a plan. I'm going to fall back on those familiar things, the things that mean life will move forward and that though some things have changed, I can anticipate that some will be the same.

]]> Bush/Rumsfeld and the Religious War - An unholy hegemony http://www.blogher.com/bush-rumsfeld-and-religious-war-unholy-hegemony 2009-05-19T21:10:05-05:00 2009-05-19T21:10:05-05:00 Mata H This week GQ exposed a very disturbing daily event at the White House during the Bush administration. The daily briefing from the Defense Department had become a document that should have been more aptly titled, "Onward Christian Soldiers". This briefing had a cover page. The cover pages had been humorous, carrying cartoons (a macabre prologue to a body count.) But then the covers changed. They began a new format : A Biblical quote that implied righteousness in war superimposed over a photo of the war.

]]> This week GQ exposed a very disturbing daily event at the White House during the Bush administration. The daily briefing from the Defense Department had become a document that should have been more aptly titled, "Onward Christian Soldiers". This briefing had a cover page. The cover pages had been humorous, carrying cartoons (a macabre prologue to a body count.) But then the covers changed. They began a new format : A Biblical quote that implied righteousness in war superimposed over a photo of the war. It was a powerful daily symbol, implying a direct connection between God's will and the war.

A brief slide show of some of the covers can be found here at GQ.

Our founding fathers were wise to separate church and state - preventing a state religion, avoiding a government that could wage a "holy war", and making it impossible for a US government to act as though it had some sort of claim to divine mission or orders. Religious diversity was assured, and there would be no attempt to have a political head of religion.

America would not have a theocracy, in which, according to Wikipedia, God is recognized as the state's supreme civil ruler, or, in which a state is governed by immediate divine guidance or by officials who are regarded as divinely guided.

Then along came George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and the religious Christian right.

This week, GQ broke the news that: "This mixing of Crusades-like messaging with war imagery, which until now has not been revealed, had become routine. On March 31, a U.S. tank roared through the desert beneath a quote from Ephesians: “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” On April 7, Saddam Hussein struck a dictatorial pose, under this passage from the First Epistle of Peter: “It is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.”

During April 3rd, a soldier kneels next to a machine gun. At his back is a sign saying "Baghdad". The quote: "Commit to the LORD whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 18:3

GQ goes on to report that these cover sheets were initiated by "Major General Glen Shaffer, a director for intelligence serving both the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the secretary of defense." Further the author states: "At least one Muslim analyst in the building had been greatly offended; others privately worried that if these covers were leaked during a war conducted in an Islamic nation, the fallout—as one Pentagon staffer would later say—“would be as bad as Abu Ghraib.”

Finally, GQ says, "When colleagues complained to Shaffer that including a religious message with an intelligence briefing seemed inappropriate, Shaffer politely informed them that the practice would continue, because “my seniors”—JCS chairman Richard Myers, Rumsfeld, and the commander in chief himself—appreciated the cover pages."

But it wasn't the first example of American officials assuming some sort of divine right hegemony during the war.

According to the Americans United for the Separation of Church and State (AU) website,

Back in 2003, AU called on Rumsfeld to remove Lt. William G. “Jerry” Boykin from his appointed position as deputy undersecretary of defense for intelligence. Boykin had made comments during a series of speeches at church gatherings that claimed the United States was attacked because it is a Christian nation. He insisted Muslims worship idols and that the real enemy of America is not Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein, but Satan.
At that time, AU Executive Director Barry W. Lynn said, “Boykin literally believes that the United States government is engaged in a holy war. That’s totally unacceptable for someone in a top government post. A man who sees the conduct of U.S. foreign policy as some sort of Christian religious crusade should not be making policy.”

But it appears that others in Bush’s administration were thinking along the same lines, and these cover sheets are the scary proof. Remember when Bush used the word "Crusade", and the Arab world "took it wrong". It's time to consider that the Arab world may have heard the intent of the Christian right elite in or close to the presidency.

These sheets were not just a suggestion that Americans pray for troops. It was not at all about that. Look at them closely. They are an attempt to form Biblical war endorsement. It is offensive on every level -- from its lack of intelligent scholarship to its implication of religious hegemony...a Theocracy in which Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld may have tried to become the least holy of trinities regarding the war.

Religious symbology is powerful. And these references were not on a document about helping the needy, or healing the sick. In those cases it would still be inappropriate on a government document, but not as ethically shattering, not as chilling.

No, these were viewed every day by a group of people holding the lives of our young men and women in their hands. These were viewed by people who were being asked to avoid disaster between the US and the Arab world. These people began every day with the subliminal message, "God wants you to do whatever this document says you did. You have God's seal of approval. No need to question the contents of this document"

The juggernaut of distorted theology used by world playmakers to manipulate outcome was in full swing. And no one spoke about it until now.

I cannot imagine, nor do I wish to, what the covers must have looked like on the torture reports.

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Kelleysays:

No matter how you parse it — this is creepy. On one level it calls into question judgment. Why spend millions of dollars on cultural and religious sensitivity training and anthropologists to game out the war, if you are going to spit in everyone’s eye anyway? But even darker, it calls into question, again, the motivation behind the invasion and subsequent occupation of Mesopotamia.

Wonkette in speaking of Rumsfeld, says, "...he knew that 1) Bush would be impressed with Bible quotes all over his war briefings and 2) Bush probably wouldn’t read past the cover anyhow, so the cover really had to count."

Vixen says:

It seems almost like a bit of in-house propaganda, as if the verses reinforced the idea that the US had "God on her side." Why was it necessary to convince themselves of that? And there is something toxic in that outlook; if one side is godly, is the other side demonic? It's not a helpful way of looking at things...
It's really just another example of an almost institutional relationship between religion and the military. It seems like a minor thing, until you put it into perspective.

Tara says:

...try not to shiver at the parallels between these and the sort of propaganda that is probably rampant among religious militants all over the world.
Your tax dollars at work, folks. Someone got paid your tax dollars to match these quotes up with photos and spoon-feed them to the President of the United States of America.

]]> Trouble asking for help? Me, too. http://www.blogher.com/trouble-asking-help-me-too 2009-05-12T18:07:20-05:00 2009-05-12T18:07:20-05:00 Mata H I have a hard time asking for help when I am unable to do something for myself. But this week, I am weak, attached to an in-house oxygen tube 24/7, and on steroids and antibiotics due to severe bronchitis and extreme asthma. I have had to face up to needing a lot of help. I'll find out in a week's time how long I have to do this. But for now, I am calling in the troops to help with grocery shopping, yard tasks, trash hauling to curb, and so on. It has slammed me face to face with a broken place -- a place that when in I am in need offers up shame or embarrassment as the main feeling.

]]> I have a hard time asking for help when I am unable to do something for myself. But this week, I am weak, attached to an in-house oxygen tube 24/7, and on steroids and antibiotics due to severe bronchitis and extreme asthma. I have had to face up to needing a lot of help. I'll find out in a week's time how long I have to do this. But for now, I am calling in the troops to help with grocery shopping, yard tasks, trash hauling to curb, and so on. It has slammed me face to face with a broken place -- a place that when in I am in need offers up shame or embarrassment as the main feeling.

Silly me. I write about such things. I sincerely and lovingly admonish friends to not feel embarrassed about asking me for help.

An yet in time of need for myself, I cave in to a shadowy place. Somewhere I got the message that I am not supposed to get sick, not supposed to ask others outside of family to help. (As my family is pretty much dead, except for an 86 year old cousin, help from familial quarters is not an option right now.)

Fortunately I am blessed with proactive friends who offer up help. They make it easier for me to say "Yes, thank you." than to have to initiate. (N.B. for the future: Do not just say, "Call me if you need anything." Just offer something. Go down a list. Many people need a lot, and one of the things we need is the ability to pick up that darned phone and ask.)

But this shadow place in me is troubling. To add embarrassment to a physical malady is just not sensible.

But then the armloads of ammunition come to the fore...I am a mature woman, living alone. I should be able to "handle things". I am a feminist, hear me wheeze (roaring is not an asthmatic option right now.) I should just press on, keep trying, do what I can. Somehow I should have magically avoided getting ill during this horrible pollen season.

My friends are busy people, with families of their own. I should not intrude in their lives. (Mind you, my friends have been practically falling over my doorstep with offers of help.)

It may have been a coincidence that this YouTube video arrived on my desk last week. Please listen to at least the first 2:45 of the video before proceeding.

There is something wonderful about that video. I am not suggesting that life is that simple, but what if bits of it really are that easy? What if when I reach for the phone, instead of castigating myself for needing to call someone for help, I "stop it", and instead , I thank God that I have that friend to ask. What if I substitute gratitude for shame? It seems as though I would be much happier, doesn't it?

Maybe I can take the little sniveling, shamed girl inside me to a better place, a place where she sees that genuinely loving people do want to help her-- that being ill is not her fault -- that being a proud woman doesn't mean having to be healthy and able 24/7.

Yet, in that moment of asking, in that display of vulnerability, I grow closer to those dear to me. I show them "the messy places" in my life, the inabilities. And in the asking, we grow closer, and they learn that they can ask me as well. The net of our connection grows stronger through the asking for help. The acknowledgment that we are not all little islands floating alone through life is powerful. Connecting the tears of one to the compassion of another is powerful. That union causes a small ca-chink in the universe as two things join that were meant to -- need and compassion.

It doesn't just take a village to raise a child. It takes a village to raise us all, every minute of our lives. We are all connected. We are all part of the same throb of life. And when I cannot breathe it all in, well, I have people around who help me. And when it is their turn to need help, I'll be there for them.

How hard is it for you to ask for help -- or even to admit that you need it? What stands in the way for you?

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RELATED BLOGS
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Jeanne, in her blog "The Assertive Cancer Patient" says:

Oh, that was hard. Not the past week, although that was hard too, but even harder was sending out an e-mail to my nearest and dearest asking for help.
You would think, after 10 years, that I would be comfortable asking my friends for help, but the truth is, I'm not.

She follows with the text of the very specific email that she sent. Well done, Jeanne!
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She of the Sea captures the exact feeling by saying:

That's it. I'm going to have to ask for help with a household job, and I don't like it.

In my laundry room, I have a shelf that has a screw pulled out of the wall. I have tried several different anchors to fix it, and it keeps pulling out. I'm frustrated and I'm tired of it. There is no good reason why I shouldn't be able to make this shelf stay up, but I don't have the time, the inclination, or the skills right now.

Now, the sensible amongst you will say, "Why don't you ask someone to help you?" Reasonable enough. But I hate to ask for help, and it seems like I'm always asking someone for something.

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Welshwmn3 struggles with hesitancy in asking for help. She says:

But I’ve been watching people I know who are both independent and who have a good sense of self esteem (at least, in my estimation they do). And I’ve noticed something, with even the most fiercely independent person I know. If they need help doing something, they don’t hesitate to ask.

It’s really opened my eyes to how much I struggle to do things by myself that could go so much faster and easier if I could only ask for help.

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MamaRenew says :

As mothers, Asking for Help is sometimes one of our biggest challenges. We worry about imposing, how it might reflect on our ability to cope, creating obligation, seeming weak… The belief that we should be able to do it all runs strong.

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Stephanie speaks of her hesitancy in asking for help as a teacher:

Sometimes it is so hard to say, “I need help”. I have found that after I ask for help I feel so much better. I know that getting over that initial hump is the hardest part but the rewards from collaboration outweigh my pride.

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Christine eventually finds help from asking the Spirit:

For some cases, sure, that's what I can do and is what I need to do to learn that I can help myself. But for other situations, insisting that I take care of the issue myself just plain doesn't work out. I found myself needlessly stuck by being determined to resolve things on my own. These are places in life where I have the opportunity to learn the beauty and joy of asking for help from another person, and that no man is an island. And in many such moments of crisis, I get to learn to surrender, ask for and be open to help from the Spirit.

]]> Celebrate the pieces - Perfection is futile http://www.blogher.com/celebrate-pieces-perfection-futile 2009-05-09T01:40:54-05:00 2009-05-10T18:33:30-05:00 Mata H None of us are whole, unflawed, perfect. Gather up a room full of the best woman you know, and none will be perfect. Yet some will feel very bad about that. You've seen them, and perhaps occasionally been one of them -- the women who contort themselves into every shape possible, striving to be perfect -- work-home-body-soul perfect. But that endeavor is the spiritual version of the arcade game "Whack a Mole". As soon as one mole pops up, and is hit with a bat, another pops up, grinning.

]]> None of us are whole, unflawed, perfect. Gather up a room full of the best woman you know, and none will be perfect. Yet some will feel very bad about that. You've seen them, and perhaps occasionally been one of them -- the women who contort themselves into every shape possible, striving to be perfect -- work-home-body-soul perfect. But that endeavor is the spiritual version of the arcade game "Whack a Mole". As soon as one mole pops up, and is hit with a bat, another pops up, grinning. Then that is slugged down, and the original mole pops up, unscathed and dodging our best efforts to whack it into submission. Face it. None of us are going to get it 100% right. And that "it" is life.

All of us who are mothers are guaranteed to do some child-rearing badly. We thank heaven for the resilience of children who manage somehow to feel our love for them and love us back even when we do mess up. We thank spouses and friends who manage to love us over time, despite our gaps in perfection. But in return don't we love them with just the same forgiving lenses in our glasses? Why should any of us expect less in return?

The 2000s have a barrage of important things competing for our attention - our families, aging parents, children exposed to so much more than you were at their age, a collapsed economy, new professional opportunities. The real reality and the virtual community each have their demands. I see woman after woman who has organized herself brilliantly, yet still she feels that she should be doing mare.

With what army?

Wherever this drive for omnipresence comes from, we have to stop it. Not only does it do no favors for us but it sets a horrible example for our children. Take some time to say "I did the best I could. But I can't do it all." Look around at what you have done. Look at the magnificence of it.

Maybe you didn't save the world, but perhaps you saved a piece of it. And that piece will go o because of you.

We all need to learn to "Celebrate our Broken-ness together". I love those around me not only for the perfection in them, but for the rugged spots, the unpolished, jagged edges in them. I love their disharmonious moments, their times when the schedule goes to hell in a hand-basket. I love them for their mistakes as well as their triumphs.

We love each other for our heartful efforts.

Those of us from religious traditions know that love from us as having roots in the grace of G-d, the love that exists for us no matter what we do, no matter how silly or fumbling or tragic our mistakes in life, a love that reaches out regardless of our broken selves. How could we not but try to do the same?

The universe does not condemn imperfection, it accommodates it, adapts to it. It makes lovely meadows of jagged weeds, masterful vistas of imperfect rocks and shrubs. In a universe that constantly seeks to make harmony our of assembled bits of chaos, how could we not but seek to do the same?

How is it that you tame the urge to be perfect in all things? And where does that urge come from?

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Holly speaks of the push in the media for a perfect body and says:

Society’s image of the “perfect body” is severely out of touch with reality and it is a fact that the media plays a huge role in the way people look at their bodies; it is a sad world that we live in where publications are looking at the amount of money to be made in the business of self-loathing. Luckily, more and more celebrities are coming out and speaking for themselves on the topic of body image and holding the media responsible for the damage they have caused and continue to cause with every magazine cover they plaster their bolded yellow font of body-hatred on.

Randi says to be "our best positive selves" and :

I like flaws in people & in myself…Not Giant Bad Ones, but the normal ones we can all relate to. It’s kind of amazing that we’re taught to try to be perfect without a real explanation of what all that means. I like people with imperfections as long as they’re not mean. Negativity is a huge flaw that isn’t fun, funny or cute.

Mamapig, while getting ready for therapy, starts wondering about how many other families like hers look perfect from the outside but have lots of imperfections inside. She thinks back to her past.

I lived in the same home from the time I was two until I turned fifteen. My best friend lived directly across the street. We were together all the time. When I looked at her family I always viewed them as the perfect family. Her mom was gorgeous and was a sahm. Her dad was a handsome man that worked for our local school district. They had four children; two handsome boys and two gorgeous girls. All the kids were advanced in school and the whole family just seemed too good to be true. I would learn my freshman year in high school that I was right. That family that I saw was just an illusion.

Grandmak points out that Navajo rugs have an intentional error built in to them so that the spirit can move in and out freely. She includes this quote from Breathing Under Water "Perfection is not the elimination of imperfection. that's our Western either/or, need-to-control thinking. Perfection, rather, is the ability to incorporate imperfection! There's no other way to live:" She adds:

Just as when I have completed a project and am most pleased with its outcome, some one will/would come to me and point out an error/errors. It used to embarrass me or make me angry with myself because I failed to find the mistake. But I soon learned that when this error was pointed out to me, someone had really paid attention to my work. Now, whether intentional or not, I get a certain amount of satisfaction in hearing about them as that means they READ it, noticed the work

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