Two nights ago, I had a terrible night.  The clock kept ticking and I frantically cleaned kitchen, running around trying to burn off energy without waking anyone.  12:30 came, 1:00.  I finally decided I would lie down in my bed and at least pretend to be sleeping.  I put on my headphones and lay there in the dark.

It's harder now than it was with baby no-name.  Baby no-name was our first.  A miscarriage, it happens, statistically 1/4 of pregnancies end, etcetera, so on, and so forth - and of course, the mantra repeated "You're young, you can have more."  And so, we did.  P, who is a delightful child that I'm pulling away from.  I don't want to be attached to him.  I went through this before, when he was born, I didn't really want much to do with him because I was pretty sure something would happen and he'd be a SIDS baby or something, he'd die and I'd be left with nothing.

I put your brother to bed already.  Now it's just me and you two.  Baby one, the child where all I have remaining of you is some papers about the D&C and the material and nursery decorations we were made to go ahead and use for your brother.  And A, my sweet girl who lived only an hour and thirty-five minutes, I have all your things but none of them are a substitute for you.  The veil's supposed to be thin tonight, so tonight just let me be your mama, I want to hold you and rock you, let me sing you off to sleep.  I never got to sing to either one of you.  I used to sit in the roc

I just read a book that I put down sobbing.   My well-meaning mother suggested I read Dr. Laura's "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."  Right, I know.  But my mother usually does know something about what she's talking about, even if it's something waaaaay out of the ordinary, I chance it.  Big mistake this time, and that's not something I normally say when it's my mother's advice.

Where is this “inner strength” I’m supposed to develop?  Where is the “new normal?”  When do I stop catapulting between wanting to sleep forever and being unable to close my eyes?  When do I get to see my living boy as more than the one who lived?  When do I get to be ME again?  Do I ever get to be me again or this horrible shrew who just explodes at the slightest provocation?  When will I stop being pulled betw