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BlogHer '10 Recap: You Are Powerful

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I went into BlogHer '10 thinking about the recap I'd write AFTER it was all over, which sounds weird, doesn't it? It's true, though. I've been to five BlogHer Cons (plus BlogHer Food '09) and I work here, too. I know the scene. We come. We connect. We laugh. We cry. We learn. We get angry. We wear great shoes. We're overwhelmed. That stuff -- it's the same every year. This year, going into the conference, I was really tired before I ever landed in NYC. Because I was tired, I thought my best bet was to look for the fun -- to really dive into the fun -- and make that the focus of my recap. I thought I'd come back after it was all over and make you laugh. I should have known better.

What happened instead was that I found myself almost hyper-focused on small conversations. Overheard snippets of your words. Quiet whispers between two or three people in corners. Outside around the ashtrays. Huddled around tables. On floors outside of parties. Connections being made while the noise of 2400 women raged around you. Those tiny, almost too quiet conversations pulled me in, and I re-learned lessons that I've always known.

You. Are. Powerful.

But many of you don't know it -- or don't recognize it -- or don't own your power.

I cannot count how many times I heard one of you brush off a compliment, earnestly given. I cannot tell you how many times I heard a woman, shyly and almost apologetically, talk about what she writes about. I cannot count how many times I saw talented writers uncomfortable when another woman praised her blog. I cannot count how many times I saw women uncomfortable with their own success.

During the final keynote, I listened as Gloria Feldt talked about your power. I listened as she tried to tell you that the expo hall was filled with Fortune 10 companies because of YOUR power. I listened as Marie Wilson, Simran Sethi, and, Alison Stewart told you that your voice is important and you can achieve whatever it is that you want to achieve. I listened and I was thankful. Strong, powerful women were telling you exactly what I wanted to tell you. Surely we would all walk out of that keynote and feel able to embrace our power. What a wonderful way to end an event that really should send you home feeling strong, proud, and empowered.

But five minutes after the panel ended, an enormously talented blogger was brushing off a compliment that I was trying to give her. And at the same moment, our 14 year old daughter (who is also an incredibly talented writer and was a finalist in the community keynote) was telling Gloria Feldt that she had no power.

She's 14, so I'm trying to go easy on her. It's hard to own your power at that age. But the rest of you, I'm not going easy on you. For the next 12 months, I'm going to spend a lot of time owning my power and encouraging you to own yours. That's the lesson that I'm taking away from BlogHer '10.

DSC_0081

What did you learn? Blog it and leave a link in Mr Linky or in the comments below.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Image Credit: JenG - Pieces of Me

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spiritrefreshed 5 pts

Always amazes me that other people see our power and fabulousness...but we generally miss it entirely. thanks for the reminder!

MiChelle Jeneen

www.spiritrefreshed.blogspot.com ( http://www.spiritrefreshed.blogspot.com )

carolinagirl 5 pts

I learned that I was lazy. I didn't have anybody with me and I learned that I should have interacted a lot more on this page to drum up people to hang with. I have fibromyalgia and money is tight as I'm living on disability so I stayed with a cousin and therefore didn't have the opportunity to hang on the premises or get to know roommates. Next time I hope to stay on the premises and have a posse lined up.

Lorrie http://cluelessincarolina.blogspot.com

equus256 5 pts

I read and then I re-read. I comtemplate. I mull. My conclusion always returns to the same place on the cycle of my thoughts.

I read BlogHer will pleasure and fear. Denise defined the fear for me in this blog. It is the fear of embracing.

I write. I create. I publish. Yet I quake before the talent that shines from every corner of BlogHer. Now I know the quaking and quivering come from the fear of embracing.

Denise knows she has a direct way to encourage (read that as badger) me to embrace my power. I think quitting smoking just might be easier.

B.

Hey Jen 5 pts

that I still have a lot to learn and to accept compliments when they come my way instead of shying away from them.

Hey Jen 5 pts

She is a way awesome kid, when you don't want to strangle her. :D

Glennia Campbell 5 pts

I wrote mine as a recap of my 5-year involvement with BlogHer.

Big hugs to all the BlogHers who put this together.

Glennia
The Silent I ( http://glenniacampbell.typepad.com/silenti/ )

Denise 9 pts moderator

I'm glad you had the opportunity to meet some of the attendees. They really are great people.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

And I think you could give lessons in accepting a compliment. :-)

It was nice to see you in person!

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

macbiv 5 pts

went into blogher not knowing what to expect. as a man being around tons of women who were "being empowered", i was admittedly a bit intimidated.

however, everyone there was really amazing. there was a lot of heart, strength, and kindness shown. i met some of the nicest people at the conference, and am very grateful i was able to stop by.

thank you all.

miguelina 5 pts

You were everywhere, it seemed - and always with a kind word. I only hope I wasn't one of the ones who brushed off your compliments. Thank you for cheering us all on!

If I'm not here ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/miguelina ), I'm at my blog ( http://www.everydaytreats.com/ ) or on Twitter ( http://twitter.com/miguelina )

Denise 9 pts moderator

Will we see you next year, at BlogHer 11? :-)

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

There's no reason in the world why you shouldn't be able to make that last all year - or a lifetime.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

They sometimes hate me for how hard I push them to let those insecurities go and own their strengths.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

Thank you for understanding, for sharing this story, and for really getting what I was trying to say.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

I'm so glad that people got a lot out of the small blog session. I just wish I'd been able to attend - thank goodness for liveblogging and the audio files that we'll be able to listen to.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

Thanks for using your voice and your power so effectively, Susan. You've made a big difference in a lot of lives.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

Thank you for letting me use it!

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

:-)

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

SocalMom 5 pts

I think one of the reasons I come to BlogHer year after year (at least, the ones where I can scare up the funds!) is how powerful I feel when it's over. Wish I could bottle that feeling and use it the rest of the year.

Kristen Ryan 5 pts

The conference was great but the people made it a one-of-a-kind experience. Thanks for including me, even at the last minute, in all your adventures! Blog on!

Lavender Luz 6 pts

I learned that my voice is powerful, necessary.

There, I said it. That was hard. I wanted to wrap it in something self-deprecating.

I confirmed that there is still a junior-high girl inside me who feels terribly uncool, unheard, unnoticed. I want to love her and nurture her through her insecurities. I want her approval-seeking to look within and not outside herself.

Much the way you do your daughter.

Weebles Wobblog ( http://www.weebleswobblog.com/ ) ... yin-yanging my way.@LavLuz
Examiner ( http://www.examiner.com/x-13701-Open-Adoption-Exam... )for Open Adoption.
( http://twitter.com/LavLuz )

Me2u 5 pts

First, I want to say you are absolutely correct. Why do we do that to ourselves? A number of years ago, this inability to accept a compliment came to my attention and I started to notice it in myself and others. At that point, I had to practice just saying "thank you" instead of the disclaimer that jumped to my tongue first. It is still difficult, but I try. I think we are taught overtly or covertly that it would be impolite or self-absorbed to do anything but graciously accept it.

If it makes it any easier to accept, I'll offer this perspective through a story about a friend---Lorrie's family experienced a fire in their home/business. The community where she worked wanted to hold a fundraising dinner to help. She wouldn't let them do it because she felt she shouldn't accept their help. She was afraid of imposing on them and their time. I told her that (in a sense) she was being a little selfish, that these people just wanted to love on her. She was denying them the opportunity to express love and gratitude to her (because she would be the first to hold a fundraiser for anyone else). I encouraged her to let them love on her. She did, and it was wonderful.

When a blog reader compliments a blog writer they are saying that the writer enabled the reader to access something within themselves that went deep or spoke to them or touched them in some very important way. If the writer offers a "pushaw" or a disclaimer, they are discounting that emotion. That can be painful. Offering love is one of greatest presents we can offer another. Discounting a compliment is like saying, "No thanks," and handing the gift back. I don't think that is the intent, but that's what it does.

norarachel 5 pts

I was lucky enough to participate in a session on small blogs. On the flight to NYC I wrote down the thoughts that had been swirling in my head on the topic, and the process of preparing for the session really solidified for me how much I like my blog the way it is, without trying to become something bigger or better.

By the time I got to Blogher I was so happy with my blog and it really made the weekend so fun for me. I could shrug off the monetization talks and the stuff that just wasn't for me without worrying that I didn't fit in.

Even better, I got such positive feedback from people who attended the session. It was so gratifying to know my fellow panelists and I had really struck a nerve and that there are so many other bloggers out there who do it for the love of the blog not the desire to make money.

Long live the small blog!

http://www.nonlineargirl.com

whymommy 5 pts

BlogHer always reminds me how important it is to USE our voices. For good. And how important it is to keep doing what we do, because we all have something important to share with the world.

Thank you, Denise, Jory, Lisa, and Elise, for an amazing conference. I loved to hear all the voices raised -- and, just as important, we listened.

Susan

http://toddlerplanet.wordpress.com & http://motherswithcancer.com

quietfish 5 pts

Hmm. This comment is not threading properly. I'm sorry about that.

I'm not sure if I'll be blogging about where I'm going with my blog. Sometimes it can feel so self-indulgent to post about it, you know what I mean? I always wonder if excessive naval gazing should be kept private. :)

miavitabella 5 pts

I need to own my own power as well, which is not easy for me.

Thanks for using my picture!

Jen

Kristin Darguzas 5 pts

This was an incredible entry, one of my faves of yours ever.

Denise 9 pts moderator

I am so glad you commented on the photo. When I was surfing through conference shots, I kept coming back to that one. I was so thankful that the owner of the photo allowed me to use it. I think it's just perfect for this post.

You've touched on something that's still lurking in the back of my head - we might be labeled as something "nasty"... like... like what? What could we possibly be called, for owning our strengths and acknowledging our talents and using our power? And why should we be afraid of that? Talk about that, if you feel like it. I think it's important to get it out in the open.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

You nailed it. You nailed it exactly. Men, regardless of age, have no problems owning their worth. We have to own ours. If a teenage boy can do it, I can certainly do it. :-)

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

That IS liberating! Way to go!

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

You are your own niche? ;-) That's kind of empowering, I think.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

We should all be cocky - throw humble out the window. Gracious - yes. Humble - no. And definitely celebrate the success of other women - celebrate it every day.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Guilt Goddess 5 pts

I am new to the blogging scene and to Blogher. Reading the recaps of Blogher '10 has me inspired and setting goals.

Denise, when I read this post, I actually got tears in my eyes. You are exactly right. We have to embrace our own power and strength as women, bloggers, humans... everything it takes to be a successful person in the 21st century. But it is so easy to deflect and act shy because of our own insecurities or for fear of being labeled something nasty.

Even though the concept sounds so easy, it is obviously emotional and personal (judging from my own tears running down my cheeks at the moment). It's safe to say you hit a nerve. :)

I look forward to getting to know you ladies, experiencing your power, and of course, embracing my own.

P.S.- I actually clicked on this link because of the photo. It's awesome.

Denise 9 pts moderator

Does lying about your success make your writing more effective?

I don't think it does.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

I love your post! Beautifully said.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Elaine W. 5 pts

Yes, people for sure :). Great to meet you.

Elaine W. 5 pts

People are so effected by this event because it's the place for all women to just be themselves, where everybody has a story, and no judgment. That's why we all come away with amazing stories and real friendships. It's getting harder and harder for women to find "safe" places to be themselves. At least that's what I came away with. I was totally inspired as a "newbee" and as an employee.

jessicakatie 5 pts

Apparently we learned the exact same thing.

Bernadette Joolen 5 pts

Even at 53 it is useful to hear them again, for whatever I do! It seems interesting that even long past the time that feminism has come, and gone, and come again...? There still remains a differential, between men and women, boys and girls, in how we own and wear and perceive this thing called power. My 15-year-old boy, (and the more power to him!), seems to have no trouble owning his own. I try to learn from him.=)

Lovely post, Denise!
~~bernadette...

Bernadette Joolen, Seattle. Writer, mother, walker, singer, dreamer. Author of 3 novels ( http://www.bernadettejoolen.com/StorefrontCentral.... ) and 2 blogs ( http://www.bernadettejoolen.com/SummerBlog1.html ). Come visit.=)

lauralohr 5 pts

It's awesome that you wrote about this, because it is similar to some of the realizations I gleaned from the conference. My blog has a very small following and I found myself apologizing and downplaying what I wrote about, amongst the successful bloggers around. Through the course of the conference, I realized I needed to reclaim my blog and my voice. What I write about matters, because I matter---we all matter.

I just wrote about this yesterday, however, will recap here. I rediscovered my passion. I will not delete posts anymore because I find them boring, uninteresting, not funny, not audience-worthy. I will not apologize for my blog anymore. How liberating is that? :)

Laura Lohr : My Beautiful Life@mommycanrun
http://www.lauralohr.com
Twitter:

sassymonkey 6 pts moderator

"I learned that I don't need a niche, I just need to be me."

Yes, yes, yes!

Contributing Editor Sassymonkey also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).

justlinda 9 pts

That was a fabulous question too!

We as women too often downplay our strengths and our accomplishments. We may do it for the right reasons, because we are taught to be humble. Humility is good! And I agree that it is good, to a degree.

Being too willing to own our power, to acknowledge our talents or strengths, can make us a target of a different sort, and sometimes we are our worst enemy in this regard too.

So we walk the tight rope. We try to acknowledge our strengths - but without appearing arrogant or cocky.

The other side of the advice that Denise gives so eloquently is this -- when one of our sisters IS trying to celebrate or revel in her success, we should lift her up and celebrate with her. We shouldn't tear her down for being bold enough to do that which we should all be so bold to do!!

What we should all realize is this - when one of us rises, she helps to lift up the GROUP. We all benefit.

JustLinda

fabulously imperfect Nothing to See Here... Just Linda ( http://justlinda.net )

Twitter @JustLindaSTL

jessicakatie 5 pts

I surprised myself today by actually having the energy and wherewithal to do a recap.

Ultimately, I learned that I don't need a niche, I just need to be me. BlogHer reminded me of that.

Jory Des Jardins 5 pts

We are an effusive bunch! Compliments abound at BlogHer, but they bounce! In a panel I moderated with Julie Marsh and Jenny Lawson about the "lies" we tell in our writing to provide effect (I prefer the term poetic license myself), we were asked a brilliant question: Will we, in fact, lie about our success in order to make our writing more effective. Because, let's face it, we support each other when we're down. We agreed that we do play down the good, the powerful, in order to stay connected to our readers. I wonder how it would look if we talked about our fat days and our fabulous days.

Jory Des Jardins
writes on business and career topics at BlogHer, and on her personal blog From Here to Autonomy ( http://www.jorydesjardins.com )

clairemysko 5 pts

Thanks for this post, Denise. You nailed an important point that I think about so often. How can we truly own our power when we're caught up in cycles of perfectionism and people-pleasing, when we can't take a compliment or acknowledge our success? You and I must have been on the same post-conference wavelength because I wrote about power in my recap, too.

BlogHer '10: Three Things Women Bloggers Need to Know About Their Power ( http://clairemysko.com/?p=152 )

Claire

clairemysko.com ( http://clairemysko.com )

Does This Pregnancy Make Me Look Fat? The Essential Guide to Loving Your Body Before and After Baby ( http://doesthispregnancy.com )

Denise 9 pts moderator

Esra has embraced her power and has achieved so much. That's really part of the problem I saw last weekend - women who haven't embraced their power, can't acknowledge their talents - they can't use that power to make things happen.

Esra is a wonderful, wonderful role model - as are you.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

I look forward to reading your post.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Denise 9 pts moderator

This doesn't just happen to women at BlogHer Cons. It happens with women in every area of their lives.

I hope to see you at BlogHer '11! (Where I will compliment you and you will be gracious in your acceptance of my praise!)

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Shannon Des Roches Rosa 5 pts

Seeing what Esra'a Shafei has done with mideastyouth.com, her fearlessness, and how many people she has connected in the name of conciliation and inclusion, the face of not just hostility but danger -- and done so with such humor. Damn. THAT is power. THAT is role modeling. THAT is what blogging can do.

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com ( http://www.squidalicious.com/ ) parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.canisitwithyou.org/ ) real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

sassymonkey 6 pts moderator

Quite amusing but it's not something I'm used to other people thinking. I am, after all, the person who has been accused of not having a sense of humour so I'm not used to other people thinking I'm funny.

Contributing Editor Sassymonkey also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).