The Trouble with Pudding

I try to look away from the cheerful orange, yellow, and tan plastic containers so innocently perched in the dairy section. Averting my gaze as if from a wound, I escape nothing. Olivia’s love for rice pudding slows my pace, as if my parenting autopilot still runs me. Since she left, her favorite dessert is a food I cannot eat. I aim my cart toward the yogurt section as if about to make an important decision. Through tears, my vision sharpens. Here I go again. Not now, damn it. Not here. I laugh out loud—an abrupt exhale....more

Do Books on Grief Make Grief Harder?

I didn't want anyone telling me how to grieve or giving me advice on something so crippling and unforgiving. I didn't want someone telling me it would be okay eventually or that I needed to move on and this was how to do it. I did read two books, but mostly memoirs of those who had babies die before me. I craved that literature, as I wanted to know I wasn't alone. But a psychiatrist's point of view about how to handle the worst thing conceivable? I wanted nothing to do with those words. ...more
Spot on. For the record, I hated Tear Soup, the only book I opened as well, and then shut half ...more

Preschool Pointers - 16: Nevermind

In love and sorrow. ...more

Holding onto Hope

There was the smallest of gestures in our pew today that almost brought me to tears.  Noah grabbed my hand, then his dad's, and connected our three hands on his lap.  In an instant I was brought back nearly four years, to the beginning of our grief journey, shortly after losing Austin. It was something Noah did often then; grab both his parents hands and force us to lock, placing his between and around.  Solidity.  Strength.  A Family Bond. Tim and I didn't necessarily drift apart in the loss, and in many ways it brought us closer, but there were wal...more

A Mother's 18th Birthday Letter to Her Son -- in Heaven

To My Son, Austin -- If you were here today, I'd wish you a Happy Birthday and tear up thinking how quickly you grew up. No more Momma's Little Blair Bear, but a young man. If you were here today, I'd stand tiptoe to reach my arms around your neck and squeeze you back with one those famous Bear hugs you were known for....more
(((Joyfulchallenge))) How well i understand your name.  It was 13 years for me this year without ...more

Little Duck

The hospital has been our second home the past few days.  That hospital.  The one where we learned Austin was gone.  It' been nearly four years but it is still that hospital - and probably always will be.  I hate it.  The smell, the lights, that room.  We had to walk past that room on Sunday. I had to push away every screaming, crying fiber of my soul to focus on the "emergency" at hand because a big part of me wanted to slide into the floor and break.  But a sweet little girl, who rarely complains, was in obvious pain.  And ...more

12 years gone..a remembrance to my son Ross

It gets close to that dateAnd I know it.Though I’ve mastered the painAnd try not to show it,It doesn’t stop the feelingthat makes my heart grieveand though I’ve stoppedwearing that heart on my sleeve,that moment in timecan arrive unannouncedand just for a whilethe pain is pronounced…it hurts and I cryI miss him so muchto not have him hereto see, hear and touch…his humorhis smilehis cute little grin,my sonmy boyhow his life would have been…...more

Faithful Friday: Never Alone

 "Be strong and courageous....more
Blessings to you all as you adjust to these life changes ... I love the verse from Isaiah too.more

Virtual Graduation Party

May is hard. This next week will be the most difficult.In the course of five days, I'll be dealing with the emotions of Mother's Day and graduation.Giving thanks to God for blessing me with two beautiful boys.  And grieving the loss of my first born.  Celebrating the milestone of my youngest leaving elementary school.  Heartbroken because my oldest is no longer with us; he cannot walk the line to receive his high diploma.  So many emotions......more


Tuesday was a hard yet special day.  While I fought back tears, I was filled with a sense of peace and of Austin's presence.That afternoon was Awards day at the high school.  Our family was there, not in the stands proudly cheering on our sweet Austin as we'd hoped to, but instead presenting in his memory....more