A life list to help me see in color again

I've been away. Nothing bad, nothing horrifying. No fires, no floods, no deaths. Just my status quo. A few months, a few weeks, a few days on; a few days, a few weeks, a few months off. When I go back to grayscale I feel like Me, the color Me, the Real Me, the Me where the funny comes from, where the beauty comes from, where the hope and balance and significance that make up the Me I am supposed to be are all so very, very far away. Sometimes I go to bed and wake up as if my burdens have magically lifted and I can move forward with my real life....more

I am Not Crazy!

Before I begin, let me state that this is not easy for me to write. Admitting what I am about to is probably the second hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it is my hope that it will shine some light for someone else in a similar situation. This will not be funny, light-hearted, or possibly even enjoyable to read, but it is the truth and how I live my life every single day....more
What a brave post. I hope that you will be able to find your way to a healthier you.more

Still trying

Days 2,3,4, and 5 have been a mixed bag of sucess and failure.  I have gone out of the house each day.  I made a trip to buy clay so I can make some new pottery in the studio and I've been into the studio to work on two days.  These are all good things that support living my life the way I want to be living it....more

Infertility does NOT define me

I recently came across the notebook I carried EVERYWHERE with me when we were in the midst of infertility hell. I would keep track of EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Doctor’s appointments, labs, blood work, any and all symptoms that would have everything or nothing to do with trying to get pregnant, and more. I would ask for copies of any paper the doctors had in my charts....more

jumping on superfoods, and my latest obsession

I have always, like most people probably, been intrigued by the concept of a superfood.An elixir. Drink of life that (preferably) wasn’t virgin’s blood. Something that gave me energy and increased cup size while boosting my metabolism and slimming my waist.I ask for so little, right?Let’s see, what has it been in the past? All these things that have promised me everything my heart desires?...more

I'm Still Alive...*

For the last month or so, I have wanted to call her. To talk to her, to let her know that I had not villainized her like the rest, to let her now that I was still her friend, to let her know that I understood her human tendencies, that I knew that she was broken, she was messy, but that I still loved her. But excuses, life, and work got in the way. This morning that I found out that she had died. Taken her life. And I struggle to understand. ...more

Are You Only as Happy as Your Unhappiest Child?

My mother used to say this phrase. All the time. ALL the time.I hated it. I used to tell her she was co-dependent on her children; she would laugh, but she didn't take it back.You are only as happy as your unhappiest child? Nonsense, I would say. How about, you are as happy, if not happier, as your happy child? Surely this is the essence of co-dependency, this shared misery? This cannot be good mental health, I said....more
I know, I know, I know, I know. My heart is with you. You are not alone. How can we love them ...more

The One Thing I Can't Say: I'm Depressed

The first time I remember feeling depressed was in the first grade.  My grandfather had just died.  During recess, I walked around the school yard without talking or playing with anyone for at least three days....more

Light therapy improves mood and cognitive performance - even for HEALTHY people

I had a friend in college who was being treated for depression with light therapy. It worked quite well for her and at the time, no one was using it to improve cognitive performance, so I don't know if her grades improved. (And if they did, one could argue that it was also due to alleviating the depression.)But a new study from Finnish University found that "Bright Light Therapy" - when administered through the EAR CANAL - improved the mood and cognitive performance of even non-depressed students....more

Excited for today

This blog started out as a way for me  to turn my infertility experience into something I could share with others.  It’s also a way for me to write about the journey of finding myself again. I have been seeing a psychiatrist.  I’m not embarrassed about it but I also don’t fully embrace it.  Now hear me out….the reason I haven’t fully embraced it is because doctor # 1 told me that I don’t have post partum depression.  It’s depression, yes….but he doesn’t think its post-partum and that my not having bonded with her fully is something else.  I didn’t agree...more