Christmas, Again

This was our second Christmas without my mother.We set a place for her near our tree, her wedding picture alongside a lit candle, before we began our Christmas Eve. It has been 16 months without her, and moments of her still sneak into my day. It's a surprise where they come from—I can't trace what calls these thoughts out, because I will be in the middle of something unrelated to her, like washing out my son's lunch box, and then I'm suddenly standing still, remembering how she never liked driving in icy weather. ...more

Who's Raising Who? Fourteen Years Of Being A Mom

 "And you can tell everybody this is your songIt may be quite simple but now that it's doneI hope you don't mindI hope you don't mind that I put down in wordsHow wonderful life is while you're in the world"-Elton John, Your SongMy brother died 10 days before my wedding. I was caught between suffocating despair and the happy prospect of marrying the man I love. But I didn't think I'd ever feel pure joy again. I couldn't imagine joy in a world without my brother....more

Untitled. Because how do I possibly know what to call this?

I am grieving.I hate that word, “grieving.”My grief is acute. It’s the pain when you first break your leg. The sharp pain that makes you gasp and you can’t breathe because it hurts so much and consumes you. Maybe if the situation had been different I would have more chronic grief. The dull, constant ache that comes later, after you’ve worn the cast on your leg but the pain doesn’t fully go away.I know I need to write, I know I want to write. But there is absolutely, not a chance in the world, that I can write anything coherent. So I will just….write.—-...more
Denise Thank you so much, Denise.more

Being Josh's Mom

My 8 year old son died on July 7, after a 13 day battle with E. coli. This post is adapted from what I read at the celebration of life event we shared with family and friends....more

Six years

Six years and one day ago my cousin was born.As the oldest of 13 cousins, new babies aren't something I'm unaccustomed to. This one, however, was different.She was the first baby born since my grandpa passed away.She was also the last new grandbaby my grandpa knew about....more

A Lament For Job's Dead Children

As I drove to church early Sunday morning, I heard a gospel song on the radio that had the following refrain, "God gave Job twice as much as he had before."...more

Saying Goodbye to Your Ex Best Friend

I recently stumbled over a scrapbook I had made a few years ago and inside it were photos of my best friend and me. My heart broke because my best friend is no longer in contact with me. I don't want to throw it away, just like I don't want to remove the photos of us that are in almost every single photo frame on my wall. I love the memories and I never want to forget them, but seeing them makes me miss her and feel extremely sad. How do you get over losing your best friend?...more

Allowing Grief

Each week at my favorite Al-Anon meeting, a member takes a turn to bring up a topic, usually pertaining to something going on in their own life.  This past Sunday the topic was grief.  Up until that meeting I hadn't actively thought about the word in relation to what we've been going through these past couple of months.  I've felt fear, major anxiety, anger, frustration, worry and a variety of other emotions, but grief hadn't really crossed my radar....more

Four Weeks and a Funeral

 A month ago, I followed Alice in Wonderland and fell down a mysterious rabbit hole and experienced events that must have been orchestrated by the crazy rabbit and the hookah-smoking caterpillar. I soared, laughed, cried, and crawled through a series of events that changed my life forever....more