The Comfort That Remains

Here I am, caught between reactive depression and clinical depression.If you've been reading my last several posts, you know that I've been having a rough month. Several months. It's been a real challenge to my hard-won quasi-stability.Last week, my 20+ year old cat, Louise died. The week before that, my husband's 17+ year old cat died. So now I am trying to deal with those reactive feelings of grief and loss, without losing myself in the eternally waiting Pit of Despair that is clinical depression....more

Livestreaming a Funeral

My husband's aunt died this week; she was 71, another victim to Terrorist Cancer. We were not able to go to the funeral in Kansas City, but thanks to modern technology we were able to watch it live streamed, virtual observers and passive mourners. ...more

What grief is not

This from an unknown author:Grief never ends. But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.When I read the first part — about grief never ending — I thought, That’s not true. Because it feels as if my grief over losing Hubby to cancer has ended. ...more

Being Fatherless On Father's Day

Despite being a predictable yearly event, Father’s Day tends to sneak up on me every June. As I study the calendar, there’s usually a resounding, “Oh.. that’s THIS WEEK??”, followed by a flurry of preparations to celebrate my husband.I’m happy to put in this effort, but in the midst of the gift selection and the search for the perfect card, there is always a moment. A twinge. A pang. It’s brief, but it’s a soft shadow that dissipates slowly....more

My First Mother's Day Without Her

"Grief, when it comes, is nothing we expect it to be," writes Joan Didion in her deeply felt memoir The Year of Magical Thinking. Her book chronicles the aftermath of her husband’s unexpected death, and in it she also writes of the passing of her parents. "I understood the inevitability of their deaths," she explains. "I had been expecting (fearing, dreading, anticipating) those deaths all my life." ...more
I really like the idea of sending someone else flowers. Will be thinking of you on Sunday.more

The Day My Dad Died

I awoke to swollen eyes. Lids so tight. Like a pressure cooker on high. Blinking took less effort. Eyes were barely open. Sinuses full with equal pressure. My heart feeling as heavy as anvil. I miss him.That was a lot of tears. The sad heavy kind. The kind that flow with no control, a deep ache within. Arms extended to receive a hug that isn’t there....more

My Unusual Relationship with McDonald’s French Fries

I drove through McDonald’s today and I got a cheeseburger and fries. As I bit into a French fry, I had a flashback to childhood…a powerful sense memory of sitting in a McDonald’s in Norman, Oklahoma with my father. It was a scene repeated again and again and again throughout my youth. I’m sure many of you share a similar experience. However, few of you have parents as connected to McDonald’s as my father....more