This shouldn't be happening..

Something has gone wrong.  Horribly wrong.  I should be looking at baby things. Soft, beautiful baby things.  Things with puppies and monkeys in pretty colors in soft fabrics that feel fuzzy and warm. Except I'm not. I'm looking at urns.  A fucking urn.  For a baby. MY baby.  Cold and hard things in metal and wood and marble.  This isn't right. This isn't fair. I hardly even had a chance to do those things. ...more
There are no words. In fact, there will be times when, although you know deep down people mean ...more

The Trouble with Pudding

I try to look away from the cheerful orange, yellow, and tan plastic containers so innocently perched in the dairy section. Averting my gaze as if from a wound, I escape nothing. Olivia’s love for rice pudding slows my pace, as if my parenting autopilot still runs me. Since she left, her favorite dessert is a food I cannot eat. I aim my cart toward the yogurt section as if about to make an important decision. Through tears, my vision sharpens. Here I go again. Not now, damn it. Not here. I laugh out loud—an abrupt exhale....more
*sniff*more

Bereavement

In November, I brought our old girl dog to our veterinarian. She had began losing weight and developed a bad cough. I worried she might have pneumonia....more

This Broken Heart

I’ve been told that we’re supposed to grow from pain. Learn from the past, forgive, grow stronger, gain wisdom and character. Take to our faith in troubled times, and embrace it.There’s truth in those beliefs. We’re always growing, moving, and changing. Even when we dig in our heels, and hide under the covers. Because you can’t stop life, even when you’re broken, even when your caught in bliss....more

Buckets of Hope - Surviving Multiple Miscarriages

This week, I had my third miscarriage. According to the numbers, 1-2% of women will experience 3 or more miscarriages. Not really something I would have chosen to be an overachiever on, if I’d been the one making the decision.It’s a truly humbling experience, and the grieving is exhausting. I go back and forth between being numb, then jealous of others who seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, then angry, then feeling more than a little sorry for myself, then numbness again.  Not pretty emotions to contend with. It’s embarrassing. ...more
@ahundredaffections Thank you so much :) I did a bunch of research on Friday about becoming a ...more

When Will We Stop Counting the 9/11s?

It's September 11 again. And I'm dreading it. I want September 11 to go back to being just another day in the early fall. Is this wrong?...more
Thank you for sharing. My husband and I were just sharing similar sentiments on the evening of ...more

Fire Wife Life Series - I Have Anticipatory Grief

I have anticipatory grief....more

Death, Loss And Their Potential To Awaken Life

As I sat in a local breakfast spot with two of my best girlfriends this morning I received a phone call that a young woman my family knows passed away in a drowning accident yesterday evening. She was a local middle school teacher who left behind her husband and two young children, both under the age of four....more
@elaineR.N. Elaine and Melanie! How good to see you here, when I return this morning. I had to ...more

Picking Up the Pieces

That photo was the source of the avatar I've used everywhere for nearly two years. It's being retired--replaced with a photo of Silver.See more here...KF-in-GeorgiaMiscellanea ...more

Watching Your Mother Die

You push your metal chair way back in the cramped hospital room. You’re still only two feet from her bed, but you need space to breathe—even though she barely can.You watch her 59-year-old mouth gape like a dying carp’s and thank god and the morphine that she’s unconscious. You ignore the fact that you’ve been sweating the cancer-ward smell—latex, alcohol, flat Sprite—out of your skin for weeks.You also ignore the truth: that time and tumors can’t fill the chasm between you and the woman lying there. You feel the old hurt mix with the new hurt so savagely your bones ache....more
If I hadn't known better, I might have thought I wrote this...  So many similarities to my own ...more