Patience Cards™

T: West, can you spare a few Patience Cards™? Me: Sure, what’s up? T: My mom called and they’re having issues with their router. She asked if I could come help my dad sort it out. Me: *sympathetic silence* Please take what you need. T: I wouldn’t ask, but I just loaned my sister my last two PCs™ because our cousin needs help with her resume. Me: What’s mine is yours. I have nothing in the foreseeable future that necessitates any, so take ‘em. Godspeed....more

(Still) Uniting In Fury

Usually, when people get all amped up and fearful over things like Ebola and public breastfeeding, I’m just over here scared to death of sending a text to the wrong person, or accidentally hitting “like” on a Facebook post I hate.So while you’re searching for the perfect bumper sticker to properly illustrate your feelings about Hillary in 2016, I’m fighting a losing battle with Saran Wrap—and pretty ticked about it....more

Why I'm Boycotting Halloween

Halloween is just days away, and I'm sticking to my guns.No costumeNo partiesNo treatsNo, my reasons have nothing to do with any religious beliefs, but I respect those who choose to refrain from the festivities because of them.Mine are a bit more simplistic and are based on a shift in my parenting cycle. Next year, the decision to boycott may be rescinded. Maybe.COSTUMES...more

The (Sleep) Struggle is Real - What Happens Before & After the Alarm

BEFORE MY ALARM GOES OFF IN THE MORNINGMy bed transforms into the hot, fiery pits of Hell and I begin sweating and ripping off articles of clothing.  I can’t get comfortable and I’m violently thrashing around. WHEN MY ALARM GOES OFF IN THE MORNING...more

Uniting In Fury

Things That Make Us Madder Than They Should:Hangers Misbehaving Disobedient hangers are instigators. You know when you’re swiping through shirts and an unchosen one slips off the hanger and falls to the ground? I always blame the hanger and become frustrated with its lack of commitment. I assume it hasn’t embraced its job or simply thinks it’s too good for the service industry....more

Crazy For You

I can’t flip through channels and see the San Francisco 49ers without thinking of him. I can’t even see any of their memorabilia because the colors alone take me back. Starting in 7th grade, my entire existence revolved around Coach Scott McCahon and his red and khaki Ford Bronco....more

Guilty As Charged

It should come as a surprise to no one that I’d like to do a little time.I’m not talking about Rikers Island or anything. A medium-security outfit is more my speed. I’d say minimum–for the simple fact that the other felons and I could watch Golden Girls in the evening–but I’m not overly interested in special treatment....more

Paws Off

Before I say something that could incur the wrath of many, let me first say that without question, I LOVE animals. Especially wildlife. I love to take my Nikon and stake out the owls and bobcats behind my house for hours on end. But, I’m not a dog person. WAIT! Don’t leave! I’m not a cat person either. PLEASE STAY! I like them, I just don’t want one. I don’t want a pet....more

Sweet Nothings

I was just trucking along, enjoying a nice day at work when it happened. A few co-workers passed me in the hall and excitedly announced there was dessert in the conference room, as they opened up their circle to usher me in.“Oh, thanks so much—but I’m good!” “What? Oh come on! A little sugar rush won’t kill you!” “No, it won’t—I agree—I just don’t have a sweet tooth.”...more

Next Level Lazy

I follow some Pinterest boards dedicated to cool gadgets and interesting technology. Lately, a few of them have become overrun with devices marketed as time-savers, but actually, they’re just, “Things you’d buy if you were too lazy to deserve life.” I ask myself time and time again, “Are we that lazy?!” And when I say we, I mean you....more