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January 17, 2007

Hi everyone,

Whoever said, "Words cannot express how much I love you," never talked with a kid whose parent has divorced and then hooked up with someone who has kids too.

Here's an example from my own Brady-bunch weekend:

Boy number one: "I'm not supposed to call you my brother anymore."

Boy number two: "Huh?"

Boy number one: "My [parent who's now divorced from one of the grown-ups at our house] says you're not. Not really. And I think the whole family should agree or it's not fair to use that word."

Boy number two: "Well that hurts my feelings!"

Me: (brightly) "Um, how about 'family' ?"

Boys: Silence

Ouch.

For kids like these, okay, kids like ours, I'm learning that words can indeed express a great deal about how much we love each other. It's not just the labels we use to define our relationship (brother, step-brother, half-brother, or he-who-is-addicted-to-Oreos) but the importance we choose to place on these words. If we grown-ups care, especially if we care enormously, these words become the precious coin of the family realm and their little hearts are piggy banks. Put a gold coin in the slot and they swell; but get cheap with the love-payola and their hearts ring hollow.

Nordette Adams of Confessions of a Jersey Goddess taught me a beautiful lesson in this kind of love when she shared what she learned about late President Gerald Ford's step-father, Gerald Ford Senior:

"Divorced from Ford's biological father, his mother later married a man of the opposite temperament, a man known for integrity and gentleness named Gerald Ford. Despite not being the blood son of Gerald Ford Sr., the man who would later become the 38th President of the United States became known as Gerald Jr. Even after his mother and the senior Gerald Ford had biological children of their own, Gerald Jr. retained his status and apparently his stepfather loved him deeply....

Gerry Junior -- he couldn't not have known his father/step-father/guy-who-sleeps-with-Mom loved him, called by the man's name as he was. In my personal, highly unscientific survey of a couple dozen children whose parents divorce and remarry, the kids read us grown-ups better than we can read ourselves. So if we value labels (brother) or devalue other labels (step-brother) the kids know it, just like they can read from our furtive looks at the closet exactly which shelf they should search for their birthday presents.

And they suffer when, all too often, our use of these words has more to do with us parents than with them. In Psychology Today, Virginia Rutter nailed it:

Lessons from stepfamilies

"...[S]tepfamilies do indeed face instability, but that shakiness occurs early in the remarriage--and may ultimately be traced to lack of support from the culture. In denying them the status of "real family," we may be doing much to undermine their chances of success...

"What trips stepkids up has little to do with stepfamilies per se. The biggest source of problems for kids in stepfamilies is parental conflict leftover from the first marriage."

A-ha.

If you're wondering how poisonous that oh-so-politely defined "parental conflict" can be and how it can affect the so-called adults involved, not to mention the children, I recommend you read Lucinda of Suburban Turmoil. One of my all-time favorite posts is her description of what she calls The First Wives Club:

"Certainly not all first wives treat me poorly. In fact, most of them are polite, particularly now that my stepdaughters are living with me seven days a week. But the fact that a noticeable number of them are undeniably rude is like an itchy mosquito bite that never goes away.

"Still, I hope I'll remember this time ten years from now, when young second wives start showing up at my own daughter's parents' nights. I'd like to think I'll go out of my way to be nice to them.

"Because I'll know exactly what they're going through."

Nasty--and I say that as both an ex-wife and a new partner. The real problem is that we parents need to get it together for the kids even when we are trying to wean ourselves off our pasts and move into our own futures.

Ouch again. Talk about emotional stretchmarks. That's a tough challenge when our futures require regularly seeing, celebrating holidays with and generally hanging out with the ex(es) and their new lives. But if you love your kids, you do it.

Easy for me to say? No. I may have left my marriage ten years ago and type today without actively bleeding wounds. But even when I was a mess, and oh boy was I, I could never have described both the hell of divorce and its redemption song as well as Kim of "I Wasn't Always Like This..." In her post, "I Do," about falling in love again after divorce, she writes:

"Divorce doesn't allow you that luxury. Divorce is painful, and worse, the person you left has the nerve to still breathe. You see them. You hear about them and their fabulous new house. You know that they are out on Friday night with people who used to be your friends. It sucks....

"It has been my experience that once you stop looking at the present from the past, you will see the beauty that you are trying so hard to regain. It isn't easy to do, and I can't really tell you how to do it, but I know that it is true.

"There is room in your heart, you just have to remodel a little bit."

Our boys hearts appear to have been built right the first time. Back to my weekend: Today, Boy Number Two told me he could tell that Boy Number One was struggling with a loyalty issue. That One wants to respect the other parent's wishes -- even though he knows he is hurting Two's feelings.

Boy Number Two's take on this? "It's okay. I feel bad for him."

That is love, family style.

Because at the end of the day, when all of the parents are gone and I'm rocking senseless in the Bide-a-wee Rest Home with my teeth in a glass, what matters is that Boy Number One and Boy Number Two will still have each other.

Best,
Lisa

P.S. Help? What's the most positive, loving thing (step)parents can do in a situation like this one that we might not have thought of yet? I hereby roll out the official red carpet and ask you to share your advice in this newsletter post. Thanks.

Lisa Stone is a BlogHer Co-Founder. Her personal blog is Surfette.

Photo credit: Wikipedia

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