Body Dysmorphic disorder... Is that me?

Forever 17 Who is that lady in the mirror? I have asked this question for so long. What I see is not pleasant and I have a hard time accepting who looks back at me. When I was a young girl my stepfather was a very abusive alcoholic, and the every day rants about my weight have unfortunately carried on into my adult years. I have dealt with many eating disorders through out my life , and I am without a doubt my biggest critic.

I am at a point in my life where I am trying (keyword) to accept who I am inside and out. I have friends that have joked with me that I might have body dysmorphic disorder, and as we all get a good laugh in I have started to wonder if I might.  I honestly love my life, and I have a great husband and amazing kids, I am truly blessed but it’s the me I show the world I dislike. Is it odd to never feel pretty, no matter what or how hard you try? To only see every flaw and wonder if people look at you and feel grateful for not being you. To always obsess over every meal and get completely stressed out when your invited to dinner because you don’t want to say, “well I don’t eat carbs or sugar so I’m sorry but I cant eat that”   and then assume they are giving you the once over and judging you for still being big. To weigh yourself daily and let that number decide how your day will go. To hate my face because all I see is the adult acne that ravaged its way across my face only to leave everyday reminders of its visit. To laugh at the thought of being sexy or naturally pretty. To not feel beautiful ever. I honestly without question do not like that lady in the mirror.

I seem to find all of the right words when it comes to my girls, they are always beautiful and have so much self love that I wish I could be more like them. They have seen my struggles and shamefully I have allowed them to hear my self hatred and I pray that does not damage them down the road.  I would love to feel good about myself, but I like to self sabotage.  My husband tells me I am beautiful everyday, and I almost always get embarrassed , feeling like he’s patronizing me. Wondering if people wonder why he is with me. I absolutely hate compliments, and  I am certainly not looking for them now, as much as I hope no one else out there has to know this pain I am hoping someone has come out the other side and might have some insight.  My thoughts are always working against me when it comes to that woman in the mirror, and I never judge others on any level , I can see beauty in all around me except for myself.


Is it possible that who I see is not at all what the world see’s, could I be that delusional? Do I have body dysmorphic disorder?  And is there a way out?
 Have any of you felt like this?

 

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