Bold Maid

 

"Nobody wants the old maid." -- sexist game makers, 2014

 

 

I am offended by the game "Old Maid." The object of the card game is to not get stuck with the old lady holding a rolling pin…as if this the most undesirable thing in the whole deck:  an old, unmarried woman. It even says right on the box in large type, “Nobody wants the old maid.” 

 

This is a ridiculously outdated concept and they, the designers of this offensive game, don't get any points with me by making the Doctor a woman either.

 Doctor 

There are other cards in the deck that could arguably be worse. Maybe I'm a vegan...In that case wouldn't the Butcher be the worst card? Or the Fisherman

Butcher or Fisherman 

Maybe I don't like classical music, so wouldn't it be way worse to have the Conductor? He'd be constantly humming melodies that you don't know. In fact, the Old Maid would be really awesome to have on your side in that case because she could bop him on the head with the rolling pin.

 Conductor 

 The Lumberjack…well, him I might keep. But that’s another blog. Under a different nom de plume…

 Lumberjack

 The Magician looks like a prick. I don't trust a man who has skinnier thighs than I have. Besides,  I’ve seen the Pixar Short Film Presto. He probably has that rabbit performing in indentured servitude. HE bankrolls from 6 shows a week in a theatre in Vegas but the rabbit works for carrots. We don’t know if behind closed doors he threatens the rabbit with an old wrinkled recipe spattered with soup stains that used to be his grandmother’s signature dish…rabbit stew. Or shows the rabbit the videos of the bunnies getting poked in the eye with mascara. That rabbit’s mouth is smiling, but I can see…his eyes are crying.

 Magician

 Don’t get me started on this Artist…what’s with the brush? Clearly compensating. I may have him in my hand at the end of the game but if that brush says what I suspect it does, I didn't win much.

 Artist

 Besides, we don't know Old Maid’s backstory. Maybe she was extremely desirable in her day, but she didn’t want anybody. What if she didn't want to get married? What if she felt that she should keep her options open and then decided she liked her life just like it was? Plus we don’t know if getting married was even an option for her. What if she is a lesbian and has a longtime companion that she couldn't officially "marry" until recently? Or she still can’t because she lives in a Red state?

Old Maid Small

 

I have to admit…I’m a little guilty here, too. I assumed that she was wielding that rolling pin like a weapon. But what if someone just left it behind at the bake sale and she is trying to get their attention, so she can return it to them, as in, “Yoo hoo! You left your rolling pin.”The set of her jowls (thanks for that too, by the way game maker. Clearly we know where you stand on a woman’s value when her elasticity is shot in her skin…probably lost in the process of raising someone like you. Making him or her to believe in their artistic talent and cheerleading him or her to achieve those dreams in graphic design or animation, all while working two jobs and taking in laundry from the neighborhood to buy ink for his or her pens…) indicates to me that she is concerned about how that person is going to feel when they want to roll out the dough next time and realize that they left the rolling pin at the bake sale.

We would be lucky to have such a heroic, free-thinking woman in our hand -- especially as it pertains to fashion and accessories. You just don’t see Lennon glasses enough these days, particularly with coke bottle lenses. We could learn from her and empower ourselves to be free from the expectations of society. A woman's worth should not be assigned to her desire to marry. We should call her Bold Maid.

 I think I should lose this game on purpose now, just to make my point. Plus she has a rolling pin in her hand in the picture so maybe she likes to bake pies…clearly, that would make me the winner.

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