Boobstravaganza 2012: The Itty Bitty Tittie Post

Jessica Rabbit and I have a handful of things in common. We are both women who know what they want and won’t settle. The men we love, we truly love, no matter who they are, what they look like, or what they’ve done in their past lives. We both look great in floor length gowns, garner attention when we walk into a room, and wear red lipstick better than any twenty-something in the universe. But there are two obvious differences between Jessica and me; two things that stand out more than any other characteristic that we have… 

TITS. 

I never had big breasts, never wanted big breasts, and never needed big breasts and still don’t, to be frank. What I’d like with the breasts I have is for them to defy gravity, which I know is about as possible as a grammatically correct Facebook post by a teenage boy, and so I do my best to remember to wear a bra to bed, as well as everywhere else, and to do my pushups, wing lifts and chest presses every single day, and I’ve got to be honest here, that shit actually works. But… that’s me. Miss B-Cup McLittletitty. The person who jokes that at times her breasts are so small that she appears concave. The one who has exclaimed that if she ever decided to do amateur night at the Cheetah, she’d be asked to leave the stage because “little boys aren’t allowed to perform… on Wednesdays.” Yep, that’s me, so what I want to know is, how do you gals with tig-ol-bitties fight the evil underlord that is gravity? What are you doing naturally to keep the girls standing at attention, and have you ever thought about getting a breast reduction? These are questions I’d like to know and I will use your answers in a future blog post, but for now, here are some interesting facts about boobs and boob-related things that I found on them internets:

  • The largest boob size currently in existence from surgical implants is a 38KKK, and believe it or not, that surgery did not happen in the God-fearing southern states and those boobs do not burn crosses on people’s lawns, though I dare say they likely have done other things on their own.
  • The average breast weighs one pound; however my breasts are on the South Beach diet.
  • In China, “Bra Studies” is actually a course you can take and earn a degree in. In other news, Delta Airlines just issued 7,104 one-way tickets to Beijing from the United States. Make that 7,105… 6…7…..
  • The term “Brassiere” was first used by Vogue magazine in 1907. Oh, Vogue… always ahead of the curve(s).
  • The push-up bra was invented in 1948 by Frederick Mellinger (of Frederick’s of Hollywood fame) or as I like to refer to him: the greatest mammal with a penis who ever lived.
  • Cigarette smoking can cause your breasts to sag more quickly than if you didn’t smoke, so add that to the other NINE BILLION REASONS YOU SHOULD QUIT.
  • In 2011, 316,848 “boob jobs” were performed in the United States, which in comparison to the 416 blow jobs performed in 2011 means men walked away with a smile on their face either way.
  • Most women get some form of nipple hair. And most men vomit at the thought of that.
  • Your boobs get their own “monthly cycle.” I shit you not. According to an article in Cosmo (so it MUST be true!) your boobs are smoothest in the days after your period, sexually sensitive in the middle of your cycle (Of course they are. Stupid boobs,) and tender to the touch the week before your cycle (or as husband likes to call that period of time… hell week).
  • “Cleavage” was originally used as a geological term in 1816 but was first used to describe the cleft between a woman’s breasts in a Time magazine article in 1946. I think Time should make “Boobs” its person of the year in 2013. Oh, wait, Clint Eastwood is already in the running you say? Okay. Well, same thing.

Fun stuff, eh? I thought so. I like boobformation, especially considering I really don’t have boobs. It’s like looking up how much horsepower a Mercedes has… I know I’ll never own one, but man, it’s good to drool over, right?   

I’m going to end this post with a snippet of video that I think we women can all relate to. Back in 2002, on my twenty-ninth birthday, my two best friends and I went to see the movie “The Sweetest Thing” with Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate. If you’re a chick and haven’t seen this movie, you should, especially if you’re a chick in your late thirties or early forties, because it genuinely epitomizes what it was like to go out and go clubbing with friends in a big city from a woman’s perspective. At the time, the movies that came out that were stupid-funny (like this one) were more guy-themed, but this showed the other side… that women in their twenties could be just as cunning, just as cold, and just as “womanizing” as men (or, I guess it would be “menizing”) and that eventually you find the one you want to be with forever and live happily ever after until you divorce. This is one of my favorite scenes from that movie not because the scene is particularly funny, but because it is as true as you could imagine it being: http://youtu.be/y4znJTziDg4

So c’mon gals… tell me about your titties in the comments section below. What do you do to help fight gravity’s force?? Inquiring minds and tiny tittied gals like yours truly need to know. 

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