The Love We Wish For Our Sons

I think it's because women are the ones who throw the party (the wedding) they are the hostesses and therefore the attention is on them.

I'd be happier if there was more focus on the man (maybe that's why I'm not married). When I think of what I want for my son, I think mostly of how I want HIM to be (loving, caring, compassionate, a good father). All these things will bless him and his family.

I feel like it's partly a cultural stereotype that men don't care about weddings and partly because it's not that men don't care, but that women tend to care SO much. Women have been told how important their wedding day is since they are children, and good or bad, that affects the planning process.

I think women just CARE so much more about the wedding part of a marriage than most men do. Is that sexist to think?

I think the focus is on women so much because some women make it seem like that is all that matters. Just like you said that in TV shows and movies and books, there are portrayals of women throwing fits and planning their own dream day because women think about it all the time. But I definitely know that is not true. My husband had a lot of input in our wedding and I wouldn't have had it any other way! We were sharing the day together and it was important for me to have him involved and like the day as much as I did. I hope that my own son(s) will know that it is okay to show love, be loved, and have a whole celebration for love. I hope that they see that from my husband and my examples of love and they will take that into their own life and their own relationships.

As a mother to three sons, I honestly hope that they will focus on the future with their bride rather than the actual wedding day. I hope to convey to them that getting wrapped up in the wedding and forgetting that the marriage is so much more important is a huge mistake. I hope that their wedding day is full of bliss in knowing that they are making the best decision rather than whether or not their bride is wearing the perfect dress.

I agree that men tend to be overlooked in the wedding process.

My husband was more of a tell where to be and when type of guy but some guys have definite opinions on what they would like.

Only having girls I can't help with how it feels to raise a son. My only hope is that my girls find someone who will respect them as much as thet love them, and that my girls treat the men they love the same way.

I'm not sure why women are the focus. Could it have something to do with the tradition that the bride's family foots the bill? I'm not sure where that tradition stems from or how old it is, but it's a guess.

I'm an only child and mother of three girls, but I can't imagine the love I'd wish for a son would be different than my hopes for my daughters.

Years ago, a wedding indicated that a woman was being "given away" to a man. The focus was on her because she was, perhaps, seen as a prize or a "good catch". It seems now, that more couples jointly plan the wedding - yet the focus still remains on the woman.

All we can do, as mothers of sons, is hope that our sons feel all the love on their wedding day that the brides do.

It's taken me a while to get to this discussion because it's really had me thinking. I've spoken with my husband about it as well and we came to agree that modern couples are much more involved in the wedding process (as it seems to us) and the bride and groom tend to take the role that they want to play in the process. Meaning that, my husband didn't care as much about the details so I did most of them and he wanted the good food so that's what he focused on. I didn't feel that all of the focus was on me at our wedding, but if it was and I was just oblivious I think the act of walking down the aisle and, of course, the dress would have something to do with it. I hope that my brother, on his wedding day, feels the love that we have for him, but I know that he won't feel it in the wedding planning details or outfit he's wearing..

It seems to me that we focus on women more than men when it comes to weddings because traditionally they have been the "early planners". Many young girls begin planning their weddings before they ever hit middle school, and in my experience, few boys think much about the actual wedding until they are ready to be married.

I am the mom to 3 boys and have been involved in countless weddings of friends. I have found very few males who are more than slightly interested in the details of the wedding, whereas the females (for the most part) seem to revel in the details. Our culture seems to push this viewpoint in movies and other forms of media, but I don't see many men complaining. I am preparing my sons for the marriage aspect as opposed to glorifying the wedding.

I have daughters, 17 and 20. I've been married 26 years. I asked my husband if he could remembering caring about any specific aspect of the wedding and he immediately replied "No." What was important to him was the commitment we were making as a couple, we were married in our late twenties, and the people that surrounded us when we said our vows.

Weddings began as a transitional/cultural moment for women, moving from their parents home to their own home with their husband. I think it was meant as a celebration of her womanhood and not necessarily as a "love match".

For my daughters, I do believe there should be equal input. I don't expect either of my daughters to be married before their mid-twenties and my oldest will be moving in with her boyfriend next year after dating him for two years. I personally don't care if they marry or not. It is their life and their willingness to commit to a single individual. My oldest has already made that commitment to her boyfriend for the time that they are together.

Since we are humanist Unitarians, our commitment is before each other and each other only. A wedding is pleasing and a moment to remember but it is not a sanctified moment so whatever Bonnie and Luke or Emma decide to do would be a ceremony that entailed their value system, whatever it might be.

When it comes down to it, this is up to the groom and bride...my husband was extremely involved in the planning and execution of the wedding...including deciding he wanted to wear a kilt!

I think culture is irrelevant when it comes to decisions like these because a couple will do what they want...as long as they have the confidence to do so. Hopefully he won't propose to someone who doesn't want to work "with" him on this stuff...

The wedding is merely the start of things ... not the whole thing. My wish for my son (actually for both my kids) is that he finds that special someone who is kind, generous and appreciates him thoroughly. The wedding? That is about both people, but let's face it: there is nothing exciting about getting the tux.

I want my son to live a fantastic love story, and I think that will start with my husband and I modeling our love story for him.

I've thought about this question periodically since I discovered I was having a son. I often think about my son as a grown man, and I know without a doubt that there is a major thing I want for him: a woman who loves him JUST AS HE IS. I get very sad when I see women who berate the love right out of their husbands for not doing things "their way," or treat their spouse as if they are stupid. The love I want for my son is respectful, giving, accepting, friendly, and above all, kind.

It would be really nice, too, if the woman my son marries doesn't see me as the enemy.

I find this post interesting, I too have a son. I have to admit, I am a bit of a female chauvinist. I think in terms of our sons, we should concern ourselves with raising our son's to be someones husband. Not only someones husband but someones good husband. I encourage moms to have discussion with their sons, so they are able to share their feelings. Much of how a man develops is strongly determined by his relationship with his mom. It is also develop by how he sees his mom being treated by her mate. All these things we should consider.

As a mom of four boys, I do often wonder about the type of woman they'll choose to bring home to us. I think that even for boys, the ideas of love, sex and marriage have changed. There isn't as much focus on having a strong marriage. Sex without strings attached is the norm. And love doesn't seem to be worth the hard work anymore. I think as parents, the best we can hope for is that they're happy. But in the meantime, isn't it important for us to be good examples of the kind of women we want them to bring home to us?

You are right! As a married woman with two small daughters, reading The Magic Room made me reflect mostly on my own experience as well as my hopes/dreams for my girls. It wasn't until I read your review here that I even thought about this book from the male perspective. I think men have grown accustomed to disregarding their emotions - or at least not sharing them publicly for fear of rejection, rebuke, humiliation, etc. I'd really be interested to know what men do dream about when they think of their wedding day, and what they get excited about. Perhaps these dreams could help steer us away from the focus on the dress and back to an emphasis on the marriage. I know when we got married, my husband said he was most looking forward to our vows, "because that's what the whole day is about."

The wedding should be focused on both the bride and groom. I think that when the word wedding comes up some women automatically think princess for a day. It is not fair to the groom as he too is getting married. I don't have a son, but I have a younger brother that I helped raise. I talk to him without any unbiased feelings, the same way I would talk to my daughters were they his age. The dating scene is tough, not only for the women but also for the few good men out there. This includes my brother. He is a good man and I tell him all the time to be careful with the women he dates. Not all are truthful, sincere, or with the best intentions. When the right one comes around he will now. She will be the one that will make an effort to be a part of the family and not isolate him from them. This meaning that family is the most important thing. When the right one one comes around we will accept her. When he falls in love, the love of that woman should motivate him to be the best person out there. I wish him a love of a woman that will accept him for who he is and not try to change him into something he is not.

My only child is my son, and I certainly want for him the kind of love Zaslow writes about, but I do think that weddings have been shifted to "bridal events" by the industry which rose up around weddings - a point Zazlow makes in the book. My husband, too, would have married me in a restroom, if it meant we were married and off to start a life together.

I think that the wedding event is far more special to the bride, while the reason for the wedding, is the only thing the groom cares about. I know my husband could have gotten married in the basement of a bar for all he cared,he just wanted to be married and begin our life together.

When reading the book I wasn't expecting at all to get the warm and fuzzies about my son since it was geared towards daughters. The author did his job. I thought about the love I wished for my daughter and the qualities I hope she finds in a man.

But of course I wish awesome love for my son and think he deserves the very best. I want him to feel special on his wedding day, as his bride surely will.

At my wedding the focus was on us both, I wanted the hubs to feel special too!

I do not think Zaslow should be chastized for not providing a male point of view in this book. The book is about a bridal shop and the rituals and traditions of buying a wedding dress. It isn't about marriage, or preparing for marriage and should not be expected to.

I think Zaslow was very fair in representing a male point of view by including Bill, the dress salesman and the boyfriend of the daughter not to mention Shelley's ex-husband. He also talked about the roles that t Eva's husband and son played in the business.

The moderator says "...part of me was saddened that once again in the story of love, weddings and marriage, men were relegated to the supporting cast." Again, I say that this book is about buying a wedding dress. To expect equal attention to the male point of view is unrealistic, in my opinion.

I imagine that there weren't many grooms in the store helping their fiances choose a dress. Perhaps the moderator would be happier if the author had a companion book titled "The Magic Box: The Love We Wish For Our Sons" that features a small family owned jewelry store with tells stories about men choosing engagement rings.

Our wedding day was a really huge deal to my husband. He didn't want to be really involved in the planning, but it was a day that he had dreamed of since he was a small boy and saw his older sisters get married. Maybe men just don't vocalize their thoughts about the wedding since our society does seem to make it "all about the bride".

That's interesting. I hadn't thought about it, honestly. I think a lot of the details of weddings, particularly the ones that have grown out of control in recent years, are things that are typically thought of as the domain of women. I only have a daughter and I know that I was hoping to someday help plan her wedding, but if I have a son I will want to be involved too.

That was really a problem that I had with the book. I'm a mom of two boys and I want them to find love and have the wedding experience that they want. But, the book, and our society in general, focuses so much on the bride when it comes to weddings. It is sad. Men fall in love just like women do.

Having both gender children, I can say I have the same wish when it comes to marriage. That they find someone who treats them wonderful and with respect. As far as the actual ceremony. I think more emphasis is put on the female because of the whole princess for a day thing. I don't know many men that dream of their wedding day. Or have fake weddings when they are growing up (unless they have a mean older sister that makes them pretend). I also think too much pressure is put on the wedding itself and not the marriage. If people put as much thought and planning into the marriage that comes after maybe we wouldn't have so many divorces.

I think traditionally the focus of weddings is on the woman because society has deemed much of the preparations surrounding a wedding as "women's interests" flowers, dresses, decorations, invitations etc. However, I would say that more recently I have seen weddings which also cater to the interests of the groom. I love the idea of the "Groom's cake" which features something the groom loves and also finding ways to make the ceremony meaningful to both parties. Aside from that though I would hope that there's a focus on both parties would focus on the marriage and all that comes after the party and ceremony is over. My boy/girl twins are only 2.5 years old so marriage is a long ways off but my wish for both my son and daughter is the same. I hope they find a partner who loves and cherishes them. Who will encourage them in all the things they are passionate about and will make them laugh. My husband is an amazing partner to me and I hope my children will find a similar love when they are grown.

This is an interesting take on men and weddings. I come from a family of 3 girls so I don't have the son experience. I think women are mostly the focus of weddings because it has been, historically, the last celebration of your youth and entrance into womanhood. I also think a dad wishes the best for his daughters because he is no longer the primary male role model in a girl's life. Times have changed now but it seems the wedding focus hasn't.

I think weddings have become so much about the DRESS and the PARTY, and we think of those as "womanly" things." But if a wedding is really about the beginning of a MARRIAGE (a lifelong commitment), it should be just as much about the man as the woman! For my son...I want him to feel loved and valuable. I want him to feel RESPECTED. It's become acceptable in modern society to make fun of men for being men (or for being idiots!) There's a double-standard here. If a man makes fun of a woman, it's sexist. If a woman makes fun of a man, it's funny. May my son find someone who respects him. Who VALUES him for the MAN that he is (well, that he will be...he's almost 4 years old now!)

As a mother of sons I can say that I do have hope and dreams for them to meet someone they will love and for the day they will commit to that person but I do not think that they long for it the way that I did as a young girl because our culture does not put that out there for boys in the way it does for girls. Main stream media pressures girls into the desire for a big day, regardless of whether they choose that or not we constantly see it.

For the most part, men are not fantasizing about the day they get married from a young boy like a lot of women do from a young girl. I think that is why, other than thinking of his own daughters, he focused on the woman and the dress. I wish all of the men in my life the same kind of happiness and love in a marriage than the women, it is so equally important for them to both feel secure and loved in their marriages.

I honestly think that many women care more than many men about the minutiae of wedding services, and this naturally leads to a greater focus on women's wants during the ceremony and making sure that women feel that they are the center of attention for that one day. Obviously, that is not true of every woman and every man, but I do think it holds up as a general trend. Also, I don't have any sons, only a daughter, but I do know that for my brother and all the other men who are important in my life, I want them to be loved by someone who respects them, challenges them, is nurturing or hard as steel, depending on what is needed at the moment, and is in every way their equal.

I'm so glad to have met a man who is sensitive and not afraid to show his true emotions - even if it's not manly. I think this is what I wish for men on their wedding day - and beyond. It's okay to cry, it's okay to love and hug and kiss, it's okay to show affection to your daughters - AND sons. It's okay to tell others you care in ways other than fist-pumping....