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Hi, I'm Karen Ballum, but I'm better know around the web as Sassymonkey. I live in Ottawa, Ontario -- Canada's national capital. (No, I do not li...

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The "So What?" Lesson

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I could learn a lot from Dominique Browning about gardening. The parts in Slow Love where she talked about her gardens and her approach to gardening were some of my favorites. Perhaps because when it comes to gardening I am a big chicken. Yes, I am scared of my flower beds.

We had a vegetable garden until I was about eight or ten. I don't remember remember what kind of preparations went into it. I remember thinking the rototiller was fun. I hated weeding but I loved to sneak into the garden and steal carrots. We didn't plant a lot of flowers. There were a few pansies and sweet peas. I think we had hollyhocks at one point. Most of our gardening was done for food.

When my husband and I moved into our house last year we inherited a few overgrown flower beds. I've done nothing with them. I can't tell you what's in them. Mostly. I know we get a few tulips in the spring and some daisies and lilies in the summer. I don't know what the other stuff is but I know it is overgrown. I should thin it but I really don't know what I'm doing. I know there are proper ways to do things. I know there are times when it's probably better to do it than others. But I don't know when. I'm totally clueless.

red shoes garden

Image Credit: Jesse Millan

I've looked at a few gardening sites. I had some gardening blogs in my feedreader. I grabbed a few books from the library. There just seem to be so many rules to gardening that I don't remember existing when I was a kid. I suspect I just blissfully ignored them and concentrated on stealing the carrots. It seems that there are simply many ways to do things wrong.

I need a bit of Dominique's attitude.

Over the years, though, I've learned not to worry so much about what will or won't make it: I'm learning the "So what?" lesson. So what if it fails? That doesn't mean it was a mistake. So what if it ends? That doesn't mean it should never have begun. I've seen, too, how things thrive in the most unlikely places. Sun-loving plants sometimes establishing themselves in deep shade. They just take on the attenuated, melancholic inclination of those creatures of the gloaming." p. 232

I know I just need to take the bull by the horns and thin the darned plants. So what if I end up killing something in the flower beds? It's not like I know what it is. I didn't choose it. It's just simply there. I need to plant more tulips. So what if they don't grow or the squirrels steal them? It's about sitting in the sun and playing in the dirt.

The "So What?" lesson is one that I really need to apply to my garden but I could also apply it and pick out a shade of paint for my bedroom. So what if I don't like it when it's on the walls? Paint is relatively cheap. Ditto the curtains and all the other minor cosmetic changes we are thinking about making to the house. If it doesn't work I'm not stuck with the changes and it's not the end of the world.

Where can you apply the "So What?" lesson in your life? What is it that you won't start because you are worried it might not work?

BlogHer Book Club Host Karen Ballum also blogs at Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

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labuenavida 11 pts

I totally employed the "so what" lesson yesterday--I was planting some bulbs in my garden for the first time. I was freaking out and totally second-guessing myself because I was tossing the bulbs in kind of randomly--I didn't have a design, or any real method to my madness. But then I actually remembered the mint everywhere in Browning's backyard, and thought "So what if I don't have a meticulously planned flower garden--at least next spring I'll have flowers, which is better than what I had this year!"

crunchyvtmommy 8 pts

This post is excellent hmmm I would say that I have been putting off working n a book I am 'writing'. I should apply the So What lesson to that. Its hard when time is so limited. Failure would be so painful.

ramblingsofalovesickmommy 5 pts

i love this post Karen!

this is a great blog that is has inspired me as far as gardening goes http://www.digthischickmt.com/p/virgin-harvest.htm...

i would definitely say gardening and just going through & decluttering all of the "stuff" that has accumulated in my attic is def what i need to work on ;) i think the reason i haven't just done it is that i want to do it perfect...which is what keeps me from even starting! i'm so intimidated that if i don't do it right, it's not worth doing.

my3littlebirds 6 pts

I am fairly "so what"/ Type B personality about most things. Ultimately though I do think that a fear of failure keeps me from doing a lot of things, gardening included. I grew up in a home that had a garden worthy of a magazine spread. I could never live up to that...and anything less seems like it wouldn't be worth doing. Need to work on this!

I've really enjoyed the Slow Love discussions, BTW!

rockle 6 pts

i keep trying to apply the "so what?" lesson to dieting - so what if i slip up and have a few M&M's? so what if i have the occasional oreo? it's a hard lesson to learn and a harder lesson to apply, but learning to "forgive" yourself for the occasional slip-up is highly beneficial.

My Ex- Life 5 pts

I really needed this to inspire me to begin a project I have put off for fear of failure. It's hard to say "so what" to this project because it will take a lot of time to complete. But taking that first step is the most important and maybe "so what" will push me in the water. Thanks

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

My Ex- Life Sometimes the first step is the scariest. Good luck!

SweeterLemon 7 pts

I really need to develop a "So What" attitude about decorating. We move a lot, so I always think I won't bother with pictures or photos since we'll just be moving again. But it makes our house seem so cold and lifeless - I need to just take the time and put up some decorations, and say "So what?" if we move again, at least our current time will be more enjoyable!

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

SweeterLemon Those adhesive velco hanging things are your friend when it comes to putting up pictures. We really need to put some on our walls too. You aren't alone.

outlawserenade 6 pts

Gardening and cooking. I had my first peas bloom in one pot, and the other one died. I have peppers spitting out of their trees everywhere, but the bell pepper died (probably out of my mom's constant skepticism :p).

Applying 'So What' to trying new recipes is fun, too! As long as it doesn't require yeast/expanding dough, you'll do just fine! ;)

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

outlawserenade I can be "so what" about cooking but I tend not to mess around with baking. ;-)

jackirenee 5 pts

I am a giant perfectionist, so the "So What" attitude can be very difficult for me. But I do have the "So What" attitude for haircuts and colors. I look best with short hair, so if an experiment goes wrong, I can always just chop it all off. It is just hair and it will grow back.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

jackirenee Color I find it fairly easy to be "so what" about but find haircuts harder, perhaps because I feel like I look better with longer hair and enjoy it more.

BShallue 8 pts

I developed the 'So what?' attitude a long time ago. Fear of failure kept me from many things and I finally realized the process was more important than the end results of just about anything - even if things don't turn out the way you expected, the journey is what matters and you learn something just from trying. I did enjoy this part of her book and can see how she applies it to her relationship with Stroller.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

BShallue You know, I had not thought about the "so what" journey and the Stroller journey being connected but I think you are bang on. It makes things make more sense to me in regards to Stroller.

Kathy Benson 6 pts

As a perfectionist there are many areas of my life that could benefit from the "so what" lesson. I often take too long to complete or don't even attempt some tasks because I want them to be a certain way. I agree that many of us fear taking risks and remembering "so what" can help us to take more leaps of faith.

awonderingspirit 6 pts

I relate to all of this. I don't try a lot of things because I'm afraid I might fail. The "so what" attitude would make a huge difference in several areas of my life.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

Kathy Benson I like to say that I'm a perfectionist that hates perfection. I like things done right, but I hate that I want them to be that way. You know what I mean?

Interesting you say this because I think this is sometimes why I procrastinate. I want it to be a certain way and I'm not sure it will be that way so I put it off. You might have just flagged another area I need to be a bit more "so what" about.

demandablue 10 pts

Gardening is such an easy metaphor for so many other aspects of life! Maybe because it's an organic process? i don't know. But, if I think about it, I kind of need to apply the "so what?" lesson to lots of things I do. Like managing our household, entertaining my children, cooking, writing, everything. As long as I'm cultivating what's there, I'm okay. I don't always need to be striving for perfection or to do everything by the book.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

demandablue I am totally "so what" about the dust bunnies under the couch. ;-)

aym 11 pts

Heh. I am completely "so what" in my gardening approach. I have no idea what the chemical makeup of my soil is. I don't always remember which plants grow in what amount of sunlight/shade. I just see something, like it, buy it and plant it. The approach works more often than not. I wouldn't win any gardening awards, but the kids like the cherry tomatoes.

I think gardening is the art of something accidentally going right.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

aym "I think gardening is the art of something accidentally going right." I love that. That needs to go on a sign for my garden. ;)

EmSun 10 pts

I say "So What" too much, I think. :)

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

EmSun Depends on what it is for me.

birdonbramble 6 pts

I am constantly afraid of failure, but I just keep reminding myself that life is short and that our mistakes, as much as our successes, are what define and shape us as individuals. We might not get what we were looking for, but we always get something... even if it is just a lesson learned. (I've learned A LOT of lessons.)

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

birdonbramble But what is the definition of failure? Trying something and it failing can be a failure. But not trying anything because you are afraid it might fail is kind of one too, isn't it?

rainydayinmay 5 pts

Ironically, gardening. I've tried but lacked something... I've not really thrown caution to the wind and gone for it... and I regret it every year. Why we do these things to ourselves, I am unsure...

suzstreats 6 pts

rainydayinmay this is me too. I just can't get much to grow & survive. So I don't throw money into flowers & veggies, but then regret it as all my friends & neighbors have these gorgeous gardens!

erin.etheridge 7 pts

I've been gardening this season, only this time my failures (and occasional triumphs) have been documented on a professional seed company website. I've been delighted by the things that have happened in my garden that I had absolutely nothing to do with. The nearly-drowned potted tomato plant that I replanted in our sandy soil, that began to flourish. The tomato seedling I found in our front flower bed. What?!

Gardening really is a fantastic microcosm for life lessons. Life finds a way to thrive and even to flourish in the most dire of circumstances. Meddling and micromanaging your life for attempt at control often does more harm than good, but the good news is if you let go, things will often right themselves.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

erin.etheridge I am jealous that I have not found seedlings in my front flower bed. That would be fabulous.

"Meddling and micromanaging your life for attempt at control often does more harm than good, but the good news is if you let go, things will often right themselves." I like that. :)

radar5 6 pts

I garden using the "so what?' method. It's how I learn about what I enjoy planting, what grows well with the amount of effort I'm willing to give and what plants grow well with other plants.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

radar5 I am working the just enjoying it part. Who knows, if it doesn't rain tomorrow maybe I'll go play in the dirt and do some thing thinning.

biogirl 5 pts

I need to learn to 'so what' lesson too. Like you mentioned the paint. I painted our guest room four years ago and have never been happy with the color. It doesn't cost much, why not just paint back over it? Silly silly me...

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

biogirl Painting always seems like a big deal, doesn't it? It can be kind of a pain in the butt to actually paint -- moving the furniture, taping, waiting for it to try -- the the amount of impact you get for the price really can't be beat.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

biogirl Waiting for it to DRY not try. lol

kbojar 7 pts

It takes a long time for gardeners to get to that "so what" stage. I still mourn every lost plant.

See "In the Aftermath of Hurricane Irene: Mourning the loss of my cherry tree" at

http://www.the-next-stage.com/2011/08/in-aftermath...

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

kbojar Oh. It looks like it was a beautiful tree. I'm sorry. :(

HomeRearedChef 153 pts

I like gardening, as long as I don't have to weed the small stuff in the pots. I let my husband do that. Mostly, I fertilize and water our plants and vegetables. Oh, and I dictate with bossiness, too. Lol!

I am sitting here envying your flowerbeds. My hubby has promised to build me a couple next year. We shall see if we make time.

BTW, I like your new black-and-white photo!

~Virginia

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

HomeRearedChef Please feel free to come play in my flowerbeds. ;-)

And thanks! I was due for a new picture. The other was was at least five years old!

BigFatGini 8 pts

I tend to take on the big things without fear. It's the small things I have much more trouble with. The paint colors, the little parenting choices, the way my house looks and even how I look. I literally agonize over those decisions, trying to make sure I give the right "presentation." And, in the middle of that, I lose a lot of who I am and instead turn into the person people perceive me to be. You can really, really get lost in that way of thinking and even though I was not a big fan of Slow Love, this was part of the book that really spoke to me. I need to take on more of the So What attitude and worry less about the little things that just won't matter when it's all said and done.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

BigFatGini I think that's part of why we waiting do long to do things like paint the rooms in our house. If we had painting the whole house when we moved in we would have done it very differently. I think we're trying, maybe, to make sure the house is *us* and not what something or someone else says it should be.

cmstacer 7 pts

When one of the little things in life is bothering me and I just can't seem to give into the "So What?" I think about a scene in an old, goofy movie called Meatballs. It stars Bill Murray as a camp counselor at a camp that usually never wins the games against their rival camp. In a big speech scene to the group, Murray's character was trying to cheer the campers us about losing and got them all to chant, "it just doesn't matter" over and over. Sometimes it really just doesn't matter. So when I am stressing about the mess my kid made with his toys, the state of my garden, or whether or not my favorite team will win the playoffs, I have to step back and chant, "It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter." Because when my life comes to an end and I look back on my years, the state of my house, garden and team spirit will be a furthest things from my mind.

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

cmstacer I used to be one of those people who cleaned like a maniac before company came over. I've relaxed a bit, which I have to say makes for a much more pleasant evening. So what if there are dust bunnies hiding under the couch? Is anyone really going to see them?

Original Diva 7 pts

I really want to chime in on this but I'm not sure I've actually learned that lesson. I want to start my own bakery business. The furthest I've gone on this dream is starting a website and Facebook page and selling to all my friends but the fear of failure and being homeless again keeps me from saying something as casual as "so what if it fails..."

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

Original Diva I think the big decisions, the scary ones, are much harder take the whole "so what?" approach with. I do think it's good to ask ourselves what would happen with the big things if they don't go well. I need to have a plan... or if not a firm plan as least of a germ of a plan and to acknowledge to myself that I thought of it.

Are you doing it full-time now? Is it something that you are doing part-time? Maybe your "So what?" is a smaller step... like maybe a booth at a farmers' market or holiday show?

FrugalBeautiful 7 pts

I feel very fortunate to have been able to get over the fear of failure early on...well, it's not that I don't fear failure, we all feel it/deal with it/consider it- but to learn that you're going to fear failure, accept it and do what you want anyway despite the potential of failure is so liberating!

It's amazing how the fear of failure dictates even the small decisions and sets up the boundaries of how we do things. We worry about our outfits being too daring and looking silly, we fear that our partner will laugh at us if we make an honest suggestion, we hesitate to paint the walls our favorite color because we're afraid it will be wrong. Little fears of failure can be so tremendous. It's not just the garden, it's throughout our entire lives, big and small actions.

Failure in my book leads to innovation- or at least a darn good story and a bit of laughter!

sassymonkey 132 pts moderator

FrugalBeautiful It's the little things that get me, and where I feel like I really need to say "So what?" As you said, if the worst that can happen is a funny story I have good blog fodder, right?

Conversation from Twitter

FashionistaChik
FashionistaChik

HomeRearedChef i don't garden but I would like 2, which reminds me. my neighbors does, not there is a gopher in my yard. how 2 get rid?

HomeRearedChef
HomeRearedChef

FashionistaChik "Ask your local nursery for 'gopher purge,' and plant it where you want to stop them. They hate the stuff!"

FashionistaChik
FashionistaChik

HomeRearedChef thanks