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Ah, the holidays. In addition to all the general merriment and gift giving, it's also a popular season for diamond rings and bended knees. (In fact, this New York Times article says, "while only about 7 percent of American couples choose to marry in December, 19 percent of couples become engaged during the holidays.") But on the flip side of that, this time of year also has the highest occurrence of breakups. According to the January '08 issue of Shape magazine, 56 percent of breakups occur between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day than during any other time of year.
So why is this? Does the feeling of discontentment start once you realize the person you're with isn't someone you'd want to take home to meet the family? Might it have something to do with seasonal affective disorder (a dark attitude caused by an extended period of less-than-stellar weather)? Maybe your guy buys himself expensive toys all year long but presents you with a Christmas gift that's a little short of spectacular. Or perhaps you caught him being too friendly with an attractive co-worker at his office holiday party.
Obviously, a winter breakup can be caused by any number of factors. But whatever the reason, inevitably there will be certain things you'll have to deal with and get through. And if the breakup involves ending an engagement, you'll likely be faced with the decision of what to do with the ring. Do you keep it? Give it back?
Melissa Anderson Sweazy shares a quote by Emily Post "on the etiquette of what to do with the ring after the big day has been called off."
If an engagement is broken, the bride should immediately return the ring to her former fiancé. The only “but” in this case is if the ring is a family heirloom of the bride’s. She should then keep the ring. Some argue that the ring should not be returned to the fiancé if he was the one to initiate the break-up — rather than a mutual decision to call it quits. It makes more sense to return it. Why keep a painful reminder of the end of an engagement just to be spiteful? It’s better to take the high road and move on. The bride should also return any other presents of value her fiancé has given her, and he should return her gifts as well.
For me, I think it would depend on the situation. Even though some people think women should return the ring in every circumstance, regardless of who was at fault or if there was cheating involved, I bet that's easier said than done. If you've been hurt, you might feel like causing some hurt yourself -- even if it involves the wallet rather than the heart. But if the breakup was a mutual decision and things ended more amicably, sure, there's no reason to hold on to something that the other person probably spent quite a bit of money on.
At the Huffington Post, Nina Kotick answers the question, "If the ring fits...does an engagement ring have to be returned?"
Just last week, my oldest friend broke off her engagement. Without too many specifics, they had been together for many years, engaged for two. They lived in her home, both are high-powered and successful in their work, and both are intricately involved in the other's life. He moved out. Next, he asked for her engagement ring back. Her instinct was to say no. After all, wasn't it a gift? And hadn't she said yes to the proposal? Hadn't she already owned it for two years? She was out of pocket for the wedding dress, and many wedding day deposits - would he reimburse her for those? Shouldn't there be an offset of all the costs? How about the opportunity cost of her time betrothed to him? How about the fact that he had cheated on her? He caused the break-up, not her. So as you can imagine, I had an earful. And she asked for my guidance.
Nina goes on to give legal advice for other people in this situation. (As it turns out, the answer depends on where you live.)
Delilah asks if someone would buy a used wedding ring if they knew there was a sad story involved. (I don't think rings are cursed with bad karma, so I don't see any reason not to save money by
