Breaking up: When do you stop loving someone?

We were drinking coffee and eating pie, post- matinee performance of Madame Butterfly, when the man I am seeing leaned over the table and said, “Let me ask you something—When you broke up with your ex-husband, did you stop loving him? Did you tell yourself you had to stop loving him?”

I must have looked pretty startled, because he put his fork down and said, “ I mean, I’ve been thinking about this because of Madame Butterfly—it strikes me that Butterfly loved Pinkerton for years after he left her—but could that have not only been love, but her own ego?”

Since both of us have lived through break-ups and (traumatic) loss of love, we had a pretty good conversation about this question, interesting enough that it’s turned into the basis for my Blogher column this week. Here’s the question that I think is interesting—“When you breakup with someone—especially when they break up with you—do you stop loving them?”

This question seems especially relevant right now.

We’re lurching into the thick of the holiday season, the time of year that will culminate in the large rise in breakups right around early January when daters and spouses alike decide “Nope, I am never again going through a holiday with that person.” It’s the time of year when both online dating service subscriptions and enrollment in diet program surge. It’s a season when those who have someone and are happy feel grateful, and those in conflict or on the edge fight to get through the day.

I was one of those post-holiday breakups, and, in my case, when my ex and I split, I can’t say I stopped loving him right away, or that I even put much effort into trying not to. I was more devastated by the idea I’d lost my life partner, and even more devastated by my need to face the fact most of that life partner stuff had been living in my head, in this place called Fantasy land, and that, in truth, we hadn’t been very good partners to one another for a while. So whether I needed to stop loving him or not wasn’t the issue—it was more “Oh, hell, what do I do now—and with the rest of my life, no less.”

Talking with A about this, I wanted to say that on some level, I still *love* my ex in that I know why I fell in love with him in the first place, appreciate all the good things we had together, and know he has a special place in my heart. On the other hand, I also see that, like an old car, we let our relationship wear out and run down, and that the person I am now—a person I am very happy being—is not the person I would have become had we stayed together—And I recognized back then, even as I was a mess, that letting go of loving him in any active or primary way had to be critical to that movement.

After I shared all this with A, his next question was “So was there a moment you knew you weren’t in love with him any longer?”

—And I thought that was a reasonable question, too. Did I realize I no longer loved him when I started dating again? When I could see how I’d moved on with my life? When I felt love for someone else?

For me, that moment never happened.

It was more that over time, I changed, and as I changed, what I felt for him and the life we had together fell away, I made it fall away, until it was clear I could never have become the person I am right now if I had stayed with him. In other words, I think the love I did feel for him just became less and less relevant. Now, three years later, I remember how much I loved him, but I also remember how I lied to myself about how things were, and how much in denial I was about what we both really felt, how out of touch I had to have become with who he was (and how can you love someone you do not know?)

What I told A, as we sat together talking about lost loves and break-ups, was that it was finally just time that had made me whole, experience that had shown me the way I loved the Ex wasn’t the only way things could be.

Three years past our break-up, I feel like I am just finally beginning to get an understanding of what I want, and therefore the first new inklings of what it might feel like to again, truly, deeply love.

Maybe I could say that I never stopped loving the Ex, but that love changed, becoming both a marker for what we once had, and a milestone for my own deep feelings.

—And yet, I so much have the sense of having moved on, of moving beyond.

I feel far away in many ways from the person I was three years ago, far away from the husband I loved, so much into appreciating the ways in which my emotional life has expanded that the only way possible seems to go forward, into a world where love is new, but not unknown.

Blogs and blog posts dealing with love, divorce, break-ups

Divorced jenny
“When people ask me why I left my ex-husband, I want to tell them that he left me. He left me in Malibu. And it’s wonderful that he left me there. That’s where I still love him. That’s where he and I are still together, still pure, where our love is innocent and carefree, unconcerned, unrestricted, untouched. We are perfect in that perfect time, and nothing that we have done or said can taint the memories of my first true love. They are as they should be, as they are supposed to be -- beautiful, young, and eternal.”

Lucky Once
"We had fun together. I was madly, deeply, intensely in love with him and just… happy. I know he’s gone and I don’t miss him. However, I’m also not ready to try and overcome the things that were ours once upon a time. I have to build new memories. I danced before I met him and I’ll dance again, and I’ll love it."

Daniel Haight, It feels like starting over, from Indie Bloggers.
"Driving to work was the worst time – he wanted to call her up. There wasn’t anything else to say, he just wanted to hear her voice – to feel her knowing he was at the other end of the line. It felt like emotional chicken; he wanted her to know he wasn’t afraid. Let her take everything I’ve got…I’ve still got me…it’ll be better this time – my life is a do-over."

An Amber colored life
“I don’t want to talk to you. This is what I say to myself every time you call, every time someone else mentions your name, every time my mind wanders to you when I am lying in bed, awake and restless. I don’t want to talk to you. This is what I am trying to telepathically tell you from across the small space and bodies between us. I don’t want to talk to you. You hang back, your head half turned to your buddy, half cocked to me. I keep my back taunt as I sit in a stool with my back to the bar, facing you but intent on giving my bar stool neighbor my full attention. Everything everyone else wants to talk about is so uninteresting.”

Submitted by susan mernit (view blog

) on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 6:37am

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Interesting topic

I think an interesting follow-up to that question is "do you stop loving all of your exes when you make a lifetime commitment to someone else?"

Surrender, Dorothy - When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

Submitted by Rita Arens on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 07:16

love changes, it doesn't have to end

Granted, I've never divorced, but i did have several very serious relationships before i met and married my husband. And in my experience, love doesn't' necessarily end, it changes shapes. Assuming there was no egregious harm inflicted on a relationship, then there is no reason why love has to end.

healthy relationships are constantly allowing each person to evolve.... while we all "hope" that we evolve in the same way and the relationship stays as it is, that isn't always the case. i know that when my most serious relationships ended, i was initially devastated and the "loss" of the relationship. it took me a little time to realize that not only did i not lost that PERSON, or their love and support, but that i gained a new relationship. A very close friendship. My exes are some of my best friends. They know me so well, and are always there for me.....

We cling too hard, i think, to defined relationships, and dont' pay enough attention tot he expansive and flexible nature of true love. There is no ownership in love, no possession, no confinement..... and no reason for it to end just because the nature of the relationship changed.
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 08:50

An unknown point

What an interesting question to answer. I think I've stopped loving men while I was still dating them, which obviously led to the demise of the relationships. My love for others has also just faded slowly over time, like after my divorce. Or rather it changed - from intense, passionate love to warm and fond feelings for him.

Another interesting question: if you find yourself hating the person you're with, do you still love him, but hate some of the things he does or do you think you no longer love him - because it's impossible to hate and love someone at the same time?

Submitted by moddivorce on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 09:45

Love changes - whether still together, or not

There are people I've loved, whom I no longer love - and there are others whom I've loved, who I still love (or, probably more accurately, *feel* love for) even though we're no longer together, or even in contact.

I wish I had more explicit insight to offer, right now. The best answer I can give is, in my experience, if the love ended, so did the relationship - but, just because a relationship ended, didn't mean the love ended. And I'm OK with that.

Submitted by Koan on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 10:35

flip a switch

For me - I've only loved - four men in my life. my first love which had to fade away- It should be noted that he didn't break up with me so much as just stopped calling when he moved, and my teen soul got the point, and was devistated.
Guy two was the guy I dated for eight years - and with him it was really like a light switch - someone asked a question - and I knew i didn't love him anymore, at that moment. He was standing right there and when I answered the question honestly he was a bit taken back. It was actually very freeing.
guy three - I knew I didn't love him enough to marry him from the begining, and he and I both tried to make it work - but I just couldn't pull the trigger on that one.
Guy four I married.

be peaceful, be poetry
http://blaquepen.com/wobl

Submitted by Raquita on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 12:06

Breaking Up: Are there any magic
potions?...Aaargh!

Oh I am so not ready to answer this or even deal with this. I am so glad you posted though. Because it does give me a point of reference. A sense that I am not going crazy. I needed all the links to other folks who are divorcing, or divorced. I am still reeling from "how did this happen" and "I never saw this coming" I beleive I am doing all the right htings, moving on, rally in the comfort of dear friends and doing all the things I always wanted to do before I was married (sigh) I suspect I have time to kill before I can fully answer this without knife in hand...no I don't mean murder...ok maybe I do, but I am not about to go back to jail. Anyway, this is tough and maybe it wouldn't be if it were say Ground Hog's Day instead of Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years/Valentine's Day.

You see, I am so not ready for this.

Love,
Babz
www.lovebabz.blogspot.com

Submitted by Lovebabz on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 12:24

Moving on

A related question would be "how do I let go of someone I love who is totally wrong for me?"

Submitted by Void on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 16:15

was it love, is it still?

we never went out...
people told me, he's playing with me.
but i loved him, i know i did, and he always came back for more.
we would have some nasty arguments and still be talking within 2 weeks
that is until, he married someone else this past august.
he started it, with flirting, i thought he was goofy adorable, so i tried to find out who he was (was it a mistake, i don't know) and for the next 3 years it went back and forth...he would tell everyone else, his feelings for me, but me.
then one day he came to my work in feb. and told me...point blank
"i don't know what i want" he told everyone this, and on it went, and of course...i held on to that.
and we had a fight, huge the week i went on vacation in august (we always had arguments, this one was different, i'm not sure how, and he wanted some pictures, i was discussing to mutual friends) i came back from vacation, his co-worker asked me if i went "bobby's wedding"
what?
he always said " i have a girlfriend", but kept coming around, i use to tell him, that he'd push me away only far enough to pull me back in. nobody believed he had a girlfriend...to this day, wedding band or not, i don't believe he's married. i swear i saw him w/ 2 different bands on, maybe it's just what i wanted to see.
i was devastated, still am, my friends, don't understand "how can you still have feelings for that first class A" "let him go" "how can someone like you, let him hold you this way"
i don't know.
so do i still love him, did i ever love him...i know that i feel something for him,
2 weeks ago, i saw him, we locked eyes, and my stomach dropped. and it hurt really bad, and as much as the effort it took not to go to him, it nearly broke my heart
i know he's married (or so he says), i know it's done, i know i should move on
but will someone, please tell me how.
tell me how to tell my broken heart, time to close up shop and go home.
the day is over.
because it's been 4 months and here i am still talking about it.
karen

Submitted by randysmomm on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 17:32

when do you stop loving someone reply

I find myself thinking back to when I was 16 and fell in love for the first time.I think it took me at least 1 to 2 years to totally stop loving him.The man I am with now I dont think I will ever stop loving him.We have a child together and I feel that is a special bond of sorts.Which raises a question in me that is how can you stop loving someone all of a sudden.It doesnt seem possible.I mean do you just wake up and say I dont love you anymore?!!?

Submitted by heartsdesire on Mon, 12/10/2007 - 20:11