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Sparkle (2)
We were drinking coffee and eating pie, post- matinee performance of Madame Butterfly, when the man I am seeing leaned over the table and said, “Let me ask you something—When you broke up with your ex-husband, did you stop loving him? Did you tell yourself you had to stop loving him?”
Since both of us have lived through break-ups and (traumatic) loss of love, we had a pretty good conversation about this question, interesting enough that it’s turned into the basis for my Blogher column this week. Here’s the question that I think is interesting—“When you breakup with someone—especially when they break up with you—do you stop loving them?”
We’re lurching into the thick of the holiday season, the time of year that will culminate in the large rise in breakups right around early January when daters and spouses alike decide “Nope, I am never again going through a holiday with that person.” It’s the time of year when both online dating service subscriptions and enrollment in diet program surge. It’s a season when those who have someone and are happy feel grateful, and those in conflict or on the edge fight to get through the day.
—And I thought that was a reasonable question, too. Did I realize I no longer loved him when I started dating again? When I could see how I’d moved on with my life? When I felt love for someone else?
It was more that over time, I changed, and as I changed, what I felt for him and the life we had together fell away, I made it fall away, until it was clear I could never have become the person I am right now if I had stayed with him. In other words, I think the love I did feel for him just became less and less relevant. Now, three years later, I remember how much I loved him, but I also remember how I lied to myself about how things were, and how much in denial I was about what we both really felt, how out of touch I had
