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The wave of shocking suicides by young adults, teens and tweens, who were allegedly being bullied and sexual harassed, have many parents, schools and communities reeling about how to stop the tide.
When a rash of troubling behavior — and tragic outcomes — such as this hits, it's natural for parents, role models and youth alike to feel outraged or even powerless.
Yet the search for solutions can't be boiled down to passing new legislation or blaming everything from schools to technology. A radical shift in cultural norms needs to happen for long-term change to take hold here. Otherwise, we will forever be stuck with many disrespectful norms instead — from intolerance to bullying, cyberbullying, sexual harassment, violence, cliques (among teens and adults), the "-isms," homophobia and hating ourselves or others.
We all pay the price for not practicing a new normal: respect for all.
We can choose to change
I thought I wanted to make respect the new status quo before. As a new mom, now I’m beyond impatient. More than 15 of my friends and acquaintances had babies this year. My 8-month-old sweet boy was born on Valentines Day. I won’t "accept" these disrespectful norms for these babies. I won’t forget the young ones who took their lives after being pushed too far.
All of us deserve better. We all deserve to learn how to be compassionate with ourselves and others. To live as equals. To be safe. To be ourselves and have our rights protected by one another. To be respected and pass it on.
If this is too lofty of a goal for you right now, I want you to think bigger.
I had the honor last weekend to meet two peace and nonviolence activists who had to think bigger to change our world. And they’re still doing it.
Father John Dear was nominated by the Archbishop Desmond Tutu for the Nobel Peace Prize. Rev. Dr. Bernard Lafayette co-founded the groundbreaking Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC) in 1960 and worked side-by-side with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
At the Carry the Vision conference in my community, Dr. Lafayette told the youth and adults there: “Fear can cause you to disrespect yourself.” Yet we have a choice both leaders reminded us. The choice is no longer violence or nonviolence. It’s nonviolence or nonexistence.
It’s heart-wrenching to think about the young people who chose this year alone to no longer exist amid violence. Phoebe Prince, Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, and now Tyler Clementi. Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among youths age 10 to 17. So there are likely others in which no one made the connection between being harassed, bullied or persecuted and their suicides. And let’s not forget the alleged "bullies" in all these cases (whether identified or not) represent a loss too. Lost self-respect and lost potential.
3 steps for parents and role models
Here's how to stay hopeful. There is a unifying social change goal we can call get behind. Even if disrespect has dragged us down or led us astray, I believe we all want respect for ourselves and others. And so we must all take steps to make this our default setting.
Parents and youth advocates: let’s start with ourselves by rallying for respect and practicing three key Respect Basics in our homes and communities.
RESPECT BASIC NO. 1: SET BOUNDARIES — SPEAK UP!
We all need to set boundaries and speak up to end disrespect. Go for zero tolerance and no bystanding. From the Internet to the dinner table, make your boundaries clear for respectful language and behavior under your roof. And think of a creative consequence when the line is crossed, like having your child volunteer with an organization that is fighting for equality or against hate crimes.
Look at your boundaries too. If this means you stop cussing, gossiping or putting down others in front of your kids — good start. If it means you actively say “no” when you see people being bullied or discriminated against — yes! Coach your kids or students how to safely and assertively set boundaries if they are being hurt or see someone else getting hurt.
RESPECT BASIC NO. 2: BE COMPASSIONATE — LISTEN
At the heart of these so-called bullycides is a major muscle that is underdeveloped: compassion. We need to develop compassionate habits in our hearts and homes. One way to start is by learning the Respect Levels of Listening. The first one is: It’s about ME. Guess what,
