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I watched the stringy, blonde woman skitter around the stage as she gave her talk. I could not help but be captivated by the sheer force of her machinations: her expansive gestures, the staccato cadence of her voice that lifted and plunged in all the right dramatic places, the hurried mincing as she trotted across the dias in her tight-fitting skirt, and the exuberance with which she scurried down from the platform to pull a spectator to her feet to illustrate a point. Her credentials, which formed the spine of her talk on “Getting What You Truly Want,” came as little surprise and included author, speaker, former-attorney turned life coach, wife, mother, and radio talk show personality. And her personal anecdotes that fleshed out her manic presentation seethed with the underlying message: Busy, busy, busy! My life is busy, is your life busy? We lead such busy lives? Everything is so busy right now! It’s a very busy time for us, me, my family, the world. Busy! I not only felt drained, I left wondering, uneasily, what is the merit of being so busy? And what if your life is not soaring at such break-neck speed? Does that make it less worthy, less good?
My reaction might have been partly informed by the other talk I heard at the conference that day. Sociologist Brene Brown spoke eloquently on what gets in the way of joyfulness and personal fulfillment. She spoke about letting go of exhaustion and productivity as status symbols. I sat straight up in my seat. On some level, I think I have always believed there was something not quite right with the pace of our current lives, not just with the accelerated nature of our culture, but the ways in which we prize that incessant and frenetic momentum. I have a dear friend who routinely, literally nods off mid-typing an email, her computer perched upon her lap because she has been on the go all day. I know of others who brag about missing meals, too busy to eat, missing the chance to catch up with friends or make time for family, too busy to hang out. They sound proud of this: See? See the value of my life? It’s so amazing, I’m too busy for it! I’ll catch it the next time around. I think it is time to find a new norm.
Time is real; it exists and can be unmerciful in the way it brackets our daily lives. Children need to get to school, to play dates, sports practices, art classes, or social outings, adults need to get to jobs, meetings, and appointments. These are real parts of life. Caregivers find themselves overwhelmed with this type of hustle as the loved ones they care for require extra time, extra attention, and other types of accessories or devices that help the quality of their lives. Busy is an understatement, but it’s A. not always the kind of busy that society lauds as ideal, hip even and B. still results in a constant energy drain, a perpetual feeling of living that scene in the Chevy Chase movie, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, where he cannot find his way out of the London traffic circle.
I think we should make busy one of those four-letter words that feels taboo in the mouth. I am reminded of an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dated a woman who enjoyed spending time naked. He learned quickly that there was good naked (lounging on the couch) and bad naked (struggling to open a jar of pickles). There is “good busy” and “bad busy” and we can no longer tell the two apart. Good busy has a hum and a flow to it, usually it feels productive in a check-list or accomplishment kind of way. Bad busy is feeling like you are constantly gulping for air, you careen from one activity or task to the next without leaving room to enjoy, savor, or even think much about what you are doing. Bad busy is shoveling down lukewarm Thai food at your desk while answering emails, following up on phone calls, and prepping for your next meeting. There is nothing redeeming about bad busy, yet we all pat ourselves on the back for cozying up to it, making it our very best friend.
I think “stillness,” “quiet,” “relax,” and “play” deserve higher rankings in the “things we define ourselves by” category. Everyone could benefit from using as much energy to stay quiet as we do to stay busy. Caregivers in
