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For years -- as I seated my identity on the "single mom" title -- my children had two Christmases. One with me, and one with their father. Over the years I learned how to navigate this setup more or less to my satisfaction; the children's father and I have always had different inclinations (gee, you think?) and in many ways it was easier to do Christmas my way, in my house, and let him do what he liked over at his house.
The only crossover, in those years, was a single tradition we had started together when we were an intact family: When we head to church on Christmas Eve, the elves come to visit and leave the children new pajamas. When we get home, the children are delighted to find the new jammies, and they're just the thing to wear to bed when you have an appointment with visions of sugarplums. Although my ex-husband and I alternate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with the kids each year, they still always get new pajamas from the elves, regardless of whose house they are at.
This year, we're a so-called blended family. For the first time, my kids are headed into the holidays with a stepfather on board, and when you add in the additional complications of our now being a thousand miles away from both the kids' father and the rest of our families, you have a recipe for an, ahhhh, interesting holiday.
And really, we have it better than most. Most blended families are a "his, mine and ours" situation, which I wonder how people navigate without losing their minds. I'm already finding matters difficult and my husband didn't bring any kids to this union!
The dance we've undertaken is one of intricate but hesitant steps. My husband has always seen a live Christmas tree as an essential part of the holiday preparation process; the children and I are allergic to pine. The kids and I have always had a big bacon-and-eggs extravaganza type breakfast after opening presents; my husband's family has a sacred tradition of the Christmas cake.
In our situation, the main issue is not so much warring traditions as simple logistics: We need to travel back "home" for Christmas to share the kids with their dad. On the up side, this means we get to share the holidays with my husband's family because they all live close by (my parents are further away, and also Jewish, so that's one less complication, at least). But this also means I'm doing more negotiating with my in-laws than with my actual husband.
My poor sister-in-law -- whose house we'll be staying at, and also the mom of the only other children in this equation (so far, anyway) -- has been plied with my emails for weeks now. Do her kids get pajamas on Christmas Eve? No? Well, would they like to? Because the elves are coming no matter what, and I could certainly alert them to bring another couple of pairs. Yes? Okay, good! Now, does Santa wrap presents at their house? Because Santa doesn't wrap at our house.
On and on it goes.
I will say this: Everything has been very amiable thus far. We've not run into any problems to speak of, and so for the most part I am counting my blessings. I know many other families for whom what is supposed to be a season of joy turns into a season of war. How do families with kids on both sides (because really, this is a matter of managing things "for the children" in most cases) figure this out without anyone feeling slighted? Is it possible?
The only real sticking point for us is, again, a logistical one. As our custody agreement and locations now stand, we're looking at never having Christmas here in our house while the children are young. This makes me really, really sad, but it can't be helped.
After some discussion, we decided as a (new, blended) family that we will have "our" Christmas every year the night before we pile into the car and head north. We'll have a nice dinner and open presents and enjoying being just us four for a little while.
And then... we'll be off. And there will be two more Christmases for the kids -- one with their dad, one with my husband's side of the family (where there is a passel of aunts and uncles looking forward to spoiling my kids rotten). My children are young and the idea of three Christmases just about
