Can I overcome all of the obstacles that I've build over the past 50 years to become the woman I want to be before I die?

I look around, at my home, my yard, in the mirror, and I see heaps and piles of leftovers.  There are left-over skis in the garage, left-over clothes from when I wore a size twelve in my closet, and 65 pounds of left-over fat weighing me down.  Some days, usually after I've been on a trip, I think I can dig myself out of all this stuff; as if my history could be vanquished with the wave of some magic wand. I want to believe if I buy the correct vacuum or diet aid everything will be bright and happy again.  Of course I really know that buying all that stuff in the past is part of what is burying me now.  

Here are a few facts about me:

  • Age 52
  • Weight 201 lbs
  • Height 5 ft 2 inches
  • Health Issues:  Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Obesity
  • Married 28 years
  • Husband is 66 years old and extremely disabled with COPD
  • I am somewhat educated with a Master's Degree in IT.
  • I had a successful career for 20 years that ended as a well paid director at a fairly large corporation.
  • My last job ended almost four years ago.  I was forced out and it was painful.
  • I had a bit of a break down, and then my son suffered a psychotic break.  I was heartbroken. I am still heartbroken.
  • My husband suffered a rapid decline in his health and I spent almost three years living the rollercoaster ride of ambulances, emergency surgeries, living wills, and daily help mate.
  • Somewhere in there, my daughter had a beautiful baby boy; I have been supporting them with my time and energy.  I provide 3 to 4 days of daycare each week so that my daughter can attend school.
  • I can afford not to work - but I am not wealthy
  • I spend most of my time playing computer games 
  • I suffer from depression

My challenge is to begin to love myself, for the first time in my life.  I must begin to truly take good care of myself.  I want to laugh again.  I want to dream and set goals.  I want to trust life and myself.  Not in the ways I did in my youth, no, not out of naivety.  But in a truer, deeper, calming honest way, I want to heal.  

 

 

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