- Share This Post
- Pin It
- 1
-
Sparkle (0)
The yoga studio where I volunteer just started a six-week workshop to enhance fertility. Apparently this isn't a new idea. And call me - single, thirtysomething, would sure like to be a mom, why yes, me - crazy, because I thought for a minute that I might drop in, because you can't be too prepared when the time comes.
But what if it doesn't?
I don't know if I can have children, because I've never tried. And I've never tried because I never connected with a man who wanted to try along with me, and I haven't yet been ready to do it on my own.
There you have it, one of the great pains of my life, summed up in two sentences. Awesome.
The things that people say in reaction to this stop me from commenting on any aspect of the reproductive situation of any woman I know, lest she want to punch me in the face or flee from the room crying, or both. I try to refrain from eliciting those reactions.
"But 40 is the new 18!"
"Oh, you're so lucky. You have all this free time. The world traveling! The yoga classes! I'm SO
JEALOUS OF YOU!!!!"
"It's a lot easier to adopt on your own than ever."
"What are you worried about? Can't you just freeze your eggs?"
I especially don't love when these statements are uttered by people who have multiple children and maybe even a partner who brings her coffee in bed (true story), because along the lines of Faith Hill singing about slinging hash in a diner in solidarity with waitresses everywhere, it's really a stretch to say she could relate to my situation. Last place goes to a woman who told me that she was so happy that she had a family and kids, so she didn't have to just focus on her job. And wasn't that depressing?
Oh, snap. Physically infertile or merely terrified that you might be, there's no better way to be rendered fruitless than being told you're just a drone with a bottomless cup of coffee and a lot of frequent flier miles. It's not like I'd ever tell one of my many mom friends that they should just suck it up, that running around after a two-year old who just picked up a kitchen knife is invigorating, not stressful - and oh yeah, how lucky are THEY with all that free time? That would go over well. And also I would have, deservedly, no friends.
Of all the tidy answers to a complicated life situation that have come my way, the egg-freezing comments are especially aggravating. I know, I know it's possible. Science works wonders sometimes. But there is so much emotion tied up in this that easy answers can sound dismissive, and plain-spoken problem-solving just plain rude. Besides, the jury is still way out on the effectiveness of this procedure, and what impact it has on the woman and any potential children. This recent story confirms some concerns I've had, along with some insights into the psychology behind it all.
But proponents of the technique say it is "empowering" to women -- many of whom face social rather than biological barriers to having a child. These barriers include commitment phobic partners, not meeting the right partner until later in life or both partners needing to work full-time to afford a mortgage.
Here's another reaction from the Science Progress blog.
"When you graduate from college, instead of getting a car, you would have your eggs frozen," said Marla Libraty, vice president of marketing for Extend Fertility, a three-year-old Boston-based egg bank that charges about $15,000 to women who want to freeze eggs for later use. So far it has about 100 customers, she said, but the number is growing. "This will transform the way we look at having babies," she said.
I've considered adoption and would definitely do it, but it's fair to say that there's a lot tied up in the decision to have a child by any means, and it's not unreasonable to need to work through all of this before the final decisions get made.
This was a situation I inexplicably never thought I'd find myself in. Like many women I've met and whose words I've read, I just thought it would happen. It had to. I'd be a great mom. I'd bring a lot
