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I don't have an orgasm every time I have sex. This simple fact has been part of who I am for as long as I can remember - or at least since I was 16. I don't approach sex as simply a vehicle to ride to orgasm. For me, it's so much more and it's enjoyable whether I climax or not. This works wonderfully within a long-term monogamous relationship where sex occurs frequently.
Casual sex is an entirely different beast, though, isn't it?
In these past years, when I was single I thought a lot about casual sex. While I absolutely prefer a long-term monogamous relationship, I started to consider widening my experiences. I was entirely frustrated with the lack of sex in my single life. I also found that sometimes when I got into relationships, the sex was unsatisfying and/or infrequent anyway. And that maybe sexual desire was effecting my choices regarding the beginnings and endings of said relationships because my single life didn't include any sex. (e.g., Well, I don't think either of us think this is going to be "the one," but maybe I'll just stay in this relationship a couple more months for the sex...)
Obviously, that's not really a good thing, so here's something I thought of too late to implement. Maybe you can test it out for me.
(I'm assuming here that you're the type who orgasms and
knows your body and what works for you. If that's not the case, it is,
as I say, a whole 'nother post.)
It occurred to me, that if you are having casual encounters where you aren't sure if you're going to be with the person in an ongoing way, then perhaps it's better to focus more on your orgasm. Consider being vocal and actively communicating what it takes for you to get there. You might choose to care about your orgasm every single time if, like me, you didn't before.
You even might consider not pursuing the encounter if/when you realize that you're not going to get there. Because otherwise, what are you there for? At least for me, casual sex doesn't come with many of the other things that make monogamous sex so enjoyable. It comes with some of them, clearly - I mean, heck, even simply making out is certainly fun. And it adds the interest of variety, which is certainly not to be discounted. But if we're talking sex without love, I suspect this lady needs an orgasm to feel satisfied.
Of course, now I'm totally off the market and happily ensconced with MBF. So field research on this matter is currently (permanently?) shelved.
Unless you'd like to give it a go yourself and report back?
~
Linky Goodness:
From Single Minded Women, Tracy Morris has a great interview with Dr. Carol Queen: The Sexually Healthy Single Woman.
From Brenda Wilson on NPR comes this ominously toned NPR piece: Sex Without Intimacy.
Jessica at Feministing reacts to the NPR piece: Et tu, NPR? Moral panic hits public radio.
And somewhat off topic except that it wonderfully highlights the diversity of women and their sexual and romantic needs, Your Wishcake blogs on being "a Charlotte"...
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
