Catching what I fished for...

My inner voice told me what I already knew. I lied to myself to keep from admitting that I was living with a liar. Then I stopped living with the liar but continued to sleep with the liar and this helped the volume of my conscious to lower…but it was still there.

The day I found the tangible proof of the lie, I was physically ill. Literally vomited. I had to sit with the handful of evidence while I decided how to reveal what I had just "stumbled" across. The way it all played out is the stuff of the movies. Complete drama...I think there was even background music.

For the most part, we were "broken up". I know his parents thought we were because they knew he was seeing someone else. They did not know he was also still seeing me. 

He had to have some surgery. Jaw surgery. Before he went in he told me that I should call his sister and see how he faired etc. I spoke with Robin and she said that he was out of surgery and that I could come and visit him if I wanted to. I had some of his things at my place and I thought I would drop them at his apartment on my way to the hospital. (Yes I had a key) That's when I found and saw all the evidence of his "new relationship". As it turned out, not so new...based on the pictures on the fridge and the jewelry on the counter..... 

I went to the hospital. Made pleasantries with his family in the waiting room and then was offered a chance to go in and visit with him. He was a bit groggy, but he grabbed my hand and kissed it and said, through his wired shut mouth, "thank you so much for coming, I only wanted to see you".

Cue the hospital Muzak.....I leaned down and whispered into his ear, "guess what mother-f-er...I know you are cheating on me and have been for a long time, maybe she can hold your straw while you sip through your recovery....I am finished". Now watch me leave..... His face was stricken. I smiled a bit.

In the waiting room, I handed his sister one of the pictures of him with his new chick, and his apartment key, and I said, "Maybe you should call her and let her know she can keep him". I held my head high and walked out the door.

I never saw his parents or sister again. I may have spoken to him once or twice after that but it was all business.

I know now that his "affair" started way before I moved from AZ to NY to continue to be with him. I know now that since I lived in Manhattan and he lived on Long Island, that on many occasions he screwed both of us on the same day. I also know that I knew this before I admitted it to myself. Confronting him with his lies did not change what I already knew. It did not fix what he broke in me, but it did free me. It freed me from the constant dull chatter that I kept hearing in my head and feeling in my gut. The discovery, acceptance and vocalizing of the lie woke me up. I had the idea that it was all a lie but until I put together the trifecta of truth, I was a prisoner of the lie.

Now I can sniff out a lie. I can see the signs of someone being tricked by a lie. I can see the darkness behind the eyes of a woman who is deciding to live with the lie rather than upend her life to stand in the truth. I don't judge this decision. I have been there.

For me, letting him know that I knew was the single most important thing to me ON THAT DAY. I felt Herculean when I walked out of that hospital. I will remember that feeling of power FOREVER.

It took me a while but when I finally decided to cast my line, I caught exactly what I had gone fishing for. And it tasted pretty damn good when I chewed on it all the way back to my place.

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