Parenting Moment: Feeling Caught Off-Guard

It frustrates me so much when I hear things like this. I think your biggest enemy is poor education - people not understanding what Down's Syndrome is, or how it might affect your child's needs. This lady clearly thought that you child would need all sorts of specialized care.

It would have been much better if she had wanted to have a longer conversation with you: Asking you (you know, THE PARENT) what sort of special attention Dylan might require, etc etc. Or even just asking to meet him first!

I suppose anyone this ignorant is not your first choice of child care provider anyway, but it hurts to know that those people are out there. Ignorant people, who would rather stay ignorant rather than risking opening their hearts and maybe learning a little something in the process.

If By Yes ( http://ifbyyes.wordpress.com )

Laurie -

I can't help you understand why your son is not a 'good fit'. Because I don't think that is it at all. I think THEY are not a good fit, for your son! And it's shameful, on their part. Especially if your son does not require any special medical attention that they are not qualified to give, they just have an attitude problem, that needs some adjusting. Too bad for them, that they do not feel comfortable caring for him. EVERY child, is different! They should be in the business of childcare, whole-heartedly and enthusiastically embracing the joy and the beauty of that truth.

If there is one thing I know about those with Down Syndrome, it is this: It's not the fact that they are 'special needs', that shines most. It's that they are just 'SPECIAL'. Period. Whoever ultimately cares for your children, will soon be finding that out. Be sure they welcome the uniqueness of your children, as all others, and treasure it! Both of your kids deserve nothing less. The caretakers lives will be touched, they'll know it's a gift, and the other daycare center people at that other place will have missed out on something 'special'.

Best wishes to you all.

~ Laura (a.k.a. LLR) www.ourhouseofjoyfulnoise.com ( http://www.ourhouseofjoyfulnoise.com )

I have to say up-front that I am a big advocate of integrating children with Downs into traditional classrooms. I have worked in schools where they've done this, and the outcomes are amazing. That being said, you need the right resources, training, staff and materials present in that classroom to make it work.

Do you have any preschool/daycare options that can accommodate your son? A place, perhaps, where they have aides, allow his therapists to come in to work with your child on a set schedule, or the like? I know they can be hard to find, but they do exist! If your area's public schools have an early childhood development office or center, they will know exactly where to direct you-- and in many cases, your child is integrated in with the traditional classes. Also, another perk-- they tend to be cheaper than private daycare/preschool. the only pitfall is sometimes they only run on normal school schedules.

I hope this helps!

I'm so, so upset for you.
My son's special needs are different, but you know... still special. And I struggled and struggled to find the right place for him. But I can genuinely say that most places were very willing to work with us.
There were a few that got dimissed quickly. (One particular err..woman said "therapists? What kind of therapists? I mean, what are they going to need because I have things to DO.")
But by and large, most centers were willing to at least try.
The center we ended up in had us enter into a lower age group room simply for student-teacher ratios because he did require more attention than the average child. But that worked out fine for us and we've been very happy there.

I really can't imagine how it can be legal for them to discriminate this way. It enrages me and makes me want to cry all at the same time. I'm so sorry.

Hello, (I am UK based, but feel I have something to add),
My niece has special needs and attends a mainstream school. It was not the first school she attended. In Britain, all schools must accept special-needs kids, unless their issues are too great. However, not all schools are good at dealing with this. The first school she attended was so concerned with insurance, and how she might be a liability, that it affected how she was treated. She was not allowed to play at breaktime, and was forced to always hold the supervising teachers hand, in case she "fell over". Perhaps the daycare you approached was also concerned with its own insurance issues. Perhaps they just never bothered to find capable, sympathetic staff. These kinds of attitudes are ignorant and out of place in modern society. My advice is keep looking for the right daycare, this one doesn't deserve what your child has to offer. But also beware, as I have indicated, even a centre that does accept him might not be suitable, so keep a watchful eye. My niece is now in an amazing school, and is reaping the rewards. Good luck!

First of all, let me say that I'm so sorry you had that experience with the daycare director. Incredibly sorry. It sucks that in the year 2011 there are still people who are scared of Down syndrome and other special needs children. Sucks that people aren't educated.

But that's the thing. They likely AREN'T educated, you know? I know that most preschool teachers have only cursory training in dealing with special needs children unless they choose to specialize in special needs children, if they have any formal training at all. And the range of issues with many children with special needs is vast, as I'm sure you're well aware. As a high school teacher, even I have limited knowledge of working with special needs children (and by special needs here I mean those with moderate to severe learning disabilities who are often in self-contained classrooms).

On the one hand, I can see where the daycare is coming from in trying to, I hope, politely tell you that their school may not be a good fit for him. If the daycare director knows that her staff is not well versed in caring for children with special needs, then she could be doing you a service by telling you she doesn't think it will work out. She could enroll him solely for the purpose of padding the bank account with another head in the classroom and he could then go on to receive substandard care which would be fair to no one.

On the other hand, I think that if your heart is set on this daycare for your other child, then a conversation needs to be had with the daycare director. Ask her about a trial-run for your son, perhaps afternoon drop-ins once a week. Ask her to talk to the teachers who would be working with him. Ask her to MEET him first, you know?

It shouldn't necessarily be your job to educate people on working with children with Down syndrome, but this could be an opportunity for you to change people's perceptions and attitudes about those children. Or, at the very least, to inform them of just how wonderful children with Down syndrome, children like your son, are and can be. We fear what we don't know, you know?

I hope you're able to find a daycare facility that will love on your son just like you would.

Wife, mom, teacher, friend, and PPD/A survivor, Miranda writes the blog Not Super...Just Mom ( http://notsuperjustmom.blogspot.com ).

I'm sorry that happened to you. We pulled our speech-delayed son out when we found out his daycare was really just letting them watch TV all day and we needed to get him into a place with more structure and a preschool component. On our way out, the daycare lady snapped that no preschool would ever take him because he wasn't potty-trained, like, she was the end-all and we were just out of luck because we dared leave.

But now he's in a wonderful preschool and daycare that loves and nurtures him. And shortly after he started, he became fully potty-trained.

I hope you find a place that is a great fit and you are only caught off-guard by how much love other people can have for your little boy.

Mona
kirida dot com ( http://www.kirida.com ) : a saipan gal in seattle

I'm sorry that happened to you. We pulled our speech-delayed son out when we found out his daycare was really just letting them watch TV all day and we needed to get him into a place with more structure and a preschool component. On our way out, the daycare lady snapped that no preschool would ever take him because he wasn't potty-trained, like, she was the end-all and we were just out of luck because we dared leave.

But now he's in a wonderful preschool and daycare that loves him, nurtures him. And shortly after he started, he became fully potty-trained.

I hope you find a place that is a great fit and will love your son from the first moment they see him.

Mona
kirida dot com ( http://www.kirida.com ) : a saipan gal in seattle

As much as it sucks,and it does, can you imagine if you hadn't told them and shown up with your son? This may have saved your child from horrendous care!

I work with special needs kids for a living, in addition to have a child with a behavioural disorder, and I am shocked by how many people are intimidated by special needs. They are hesitant to make eye contact, don't know what to say, or are rude and inconsiderate.

You will find the a daycare that will welcome your son, and you will know that he will receive quality care that he would not have gotten at this centre.

blogging about life stuff at http://mcwhclan.wordpress.com

Jen L.

Hey Y'all: http://heyyall.typepad.com

This breaks my heart. My little boy goes to daycare and there's a girl in his class with Down syndrome. He HAS learned so much from her--everyone has. She is sweet, gentle and joyful. I've watched her hold other kids' hands when they're crying for their parents at drop-off. To say it's their loss is a huge understatement. I hope you find an amazing place for Dylan--a place that will appreciate him and give him the wonderful care he deserves.

Oh man, that gets me in the heart too. You really sum it up here:

"He could teach the other kids SO much! He could teach the teachers and the director SO much! He could share SO much of what he knows about life and learning and love."

I know the kids would of adored him, and learned so much about, to be lame, not judging a book by its cover, or in this case, label.

This is sad. But don't let it get you down. There will be a good place for him where he will be loved.

Samantha
http://thedomesticyogi.blogspot.com

Consider posting the daycare email address so that like-minded parents can help educate this person....this is discrimination, no doubt. And, it should not be tolerated.