Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...Lifestyle, Health, and Mind - Fibromyalgia

Being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia came with a few stages for me. I was angry about being 35 years old and being told that I had this mystery disease/disorder that would strike me down with disabling pain and exhaustion for days at a time with no real relief. I was sad that there was no treatment for me beyond a trial and error plan of pharmacueticals and lifestyle changes. I was also sad that for the last few months I have felt like the crappiest of mom, fiance, friend, employee, daughter, sister, etc for constantly being too tired and stricken with pain to get off the couch or out of the bed to do much of anything. I have had bladder and kidney infections out the wazzoo, colds, mystery flus, and various ailments. I'm a mess. On top of that, my already present depression has been mind numbing.

My final stage has been a combo of acceptance and resurrection.

I sat down with my son Josiah last night and explain to him why I was walking around the house like Frankenstein. I explained what Fibromyalgia best I can, because I am only starting to kind of understand what it is myself. Josiah is nine years old. He gets it, but only so much. He asked what the doctor is doing to help me, what kind of doctor he is. We talked about my medicines and how I am taking two. He asked when I take them during the day, what they look like, how long I have to take them, and what happens if they don't work. I don't lie to my son. I told him the truth. I go back in two months and  if these don't work, we start new medicines. We do this until we find ones that work. This could take a long time. In the mean time, I am doing things in the rest of my life, my whole life, to get better too.

Eric and I have been talking for months, from before I found out about my diagnosis, about what we would be doing once the weather broke. We want to get the yard together. Eric loves a great yard. He loves lawn work and decks and things like that. I have been wanting to get a great garden going. To start canning what I grow. I have been reading and devouring articles on things I can grow in our conditions here and I have mapped out the dates and items to plant. I have been reading about how to make jams and how to can what we grow. I have even learned how to properly compost and I am excited to put what I have learned into action.

I know I will still have bad days. This weekend. I have been in bed. My knees have been so sore that I have had a hard time standing and walking, my back so sore that merely sitting still is incredibly painful.The worst part is that there is just no relief. No pain medication. Nothing over the counter works. But I have high hopes about healthy diets. Digging in the dirt on sunny days. Dinners with herbs grown fresh in the garden. Weekends picking tomatoes off the vine and serving them with fresh mozz that Eric made himself in our lovely backyard. The mind can heal better than anything.

I know my mind will help me to feel better. I know the catharsis from gardening will help me to heal somewhat. I also know that the good nutrition from fresh grown ingredients will help to heal my body and replace what the medications, while I need them for pain relief, might strip away. It will be a balancing act between pharma and lifestyle for me and I am ok with that. I am looking forward to moving forward. Things will be ok. In time, Eric and I would like to expand our operation. We have dreams of farming. Chickens and goats and such. Horses. For now though, cheeses. Greens. Herbs and vegetables from our own dirt in our back yard. That's exciting! That's fulfilling! That's amazing and healing in so many ways and I can'y wait to get started and feel better. Fibromyalgia can suck it.

Last night the pain was terrible. It felt as though someone had beaten me in the back with a baseball bat. The invisible bruising that I have talked about before took on a whole new level of suck. Eric and pretended we won the lottery and shopped for farms on the internet to put my mind somewhere else. It worked for a while, and it was fun. We pretended we built houses for our parents so they didn't have to pay mortgages any more or had to shovel snow any more. We pretended our brothers and Eric's sister and brother in law and nephew has places they could live so they didn't have to pay rent. We rescued horses and were able to grow crops and can them so that we could cook with what we grew and live healthier. We didn't have to work stressful jobs. The pain went away for a few minutes.

The mind is a funny thing.

I am excited for spring. How about you?


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