A change for the better part 2
By heajon on March 04, 2014
I was scared, afraid & petrified but I went. Before I went, I prayed that God would help me say what needed to be said and to keep quiet when it was appropriate. I asked Him to help me listen without being able to be upset unnecessarily. I asked him to help me not cause him any harm or trigger any of his addictions by what I might say or do.
We met at a store I love to visit and we hugged briefly. He looked good. A little heavier than the last time I had seen him so I felt better about my new curves. It is so weird for me because it is like no time has passed and he has simply been gone on one of his visitation trips and has returned home. But I remind myself things are different and I may like what I learn. We exchanged plesantries and walked around the store. He invited me to go eat at a Japanese restaurant so we did. Dinner was nice but mainly light conversation. I wondered what he wanted from me? Why was he here? It was late and he asked me to go to his hotel to talk where it was more private. We bought a bottle of red wine from the restaurant since everything else was closed. These are the kind of things "We" did before. Before all the bad, before all the hateful words were spewed, before he left. Finally when two hotel coffee cups were filled he says, "what should we toast to?" I said I didn't know. So he says "heres to the woman I will always love." I could drink to that because even with everything that had happened I believed it was true. People can love people they can't be with afterall. I am proof of that for sure. He asks, "what happened to us?" So our real conversation finally started. It was about 11:00 at night and we talked for hours. We really talked. Now we had had this conversation before but I think it was falling on fresh ears. His heart had before been buried in an addiction that he wasn't aware of or to which he couldn't admit. But now, free from that denial he seemed different, more receptive to how difficult it was for me to stay. He still couldn't understand my wanting the divorce and insisted that he "tried." I objected and said from my side it didn't look like he tired at all that he just did the obligatory call and asked..."is there any way to save this?" We talked through all this with examples of why each of us believed the way we did. How we came to the identical conclusion that the other person just didn't want to be in the marriage anymore because of how we acted. I didn't show my emotions to him at the time because I retreated into my shell and withdrew. The only safe emotion to show him was rage and anger which I had no problem showing. He believed I was just done and no longer cared.
It was so late/early I stayed with him. I hesitated when he touched me and told him I didn't think I could do that. I feared it would just be to hard again when he left me alone again. He understood. He said he just wanted to hold me. He did for a bit. My heart so very much wanted to be with him again. I started to fear that I may not ever have the chance to do so with his health is declining and in that moment I changed my mind. Right or wrong, I'd just have to figure that one out later.
This whole time I have held to the idea that I am not free from my vows. That either we would reconcile or I would wait for his illness to take his life before I would ever move on to another relationship. No one has been able to convince me I am wrong. I still hold that belief. So we spent the weekend together. Saw a movie, ate, walked around stores. The movie we watched was "The Grudge Match." I think God even helped pick our movie. It was so funny with a message that was timely for us.