Change, Shame, Judgement

A friend of mine has been losing some weight and is feeling the high that goes along with that.  She's transforming and changing and growing and feeling really good.  She was talking about how she felt and asked me how I have felt I have changed.  I answered something to the effect that I felt like the thing I was most powerless about (my weight) was no longer out of my control.

Then I began thinking about shame because that is the thing that is really the thing missing these days.

When I go out and about, I feel regular.  I feel like a regular weight human.  If someone were to cast some judgement on my tub of a stomach, I'd really be able to see that the issue was more about them than me.  I sure wouldn't mind for the inner tube wrapped around my waist to disappear or for my thighs, butt and more thighs to shed their fatty ways, but I'm not mortified, embarrassed, or shamed by them.  I even rather like them.  

I say this, but I still wouldn't want to strut naked down the runway.  I may not feel shame, but I guess I do feel a bit ugly in those areas and have no desire to share that ugliness.  Okay - so I'm not totally embracing this love-my-body-as-it-is thing, but my point is that somewhere I shed the amount of weight that I was ashamed about.

Maybe it's because that shame was also about my lack of control to do anything and now I know I can - kinda.  I still screw up - a lot.

It is a nice feeling, though, to feel regular and normal - maybe on the chunkier side of normal, but still like a normal person.

There's a quote I saw recently:

Your audacious life goals are fabulous. We're proud of you for having them. But it's possible that those goals are designed to distract you from the thing that's really frightening you--the shift in daily habits that would mean a re-invention of how you see yourself."

I'm not really sure what I think of the quote, but I do know that back in the New Year, forty pounds ago, the goal of being thin and fit and strong and confident didn't do me much good.

That goal didn't get me anywhere except for late night googling - particularly hoping I could find a weight loss boot camp for mothers with a daycare program that promised you'd lose 30 pounds in a couple weeks for a price under a thousand dollars.  I'd have gone!

The change really happened with the day to day - the grueling torturous day to day work of changing my priorities.  I was thinking today about how I'd spend four plus hours each day gearing up to do a stupid twenty minute exercise routine.   It took everything to stay focused and I had to do it by saying that I was the top priority.

Now, it's hard to make myself the top priority.  It's easy to slack off.  The temptations and slothfulness are still there, but the daily routines have changed and I've re-embraced a confidence that I was missing.  It's not a bad place to be.

But I still want to go downstairs and eat my leftovers from dinner.  And I just might do that.

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