Childfree Weddings

i am getting Married July 14, 2012 and i'll be 18 and my fiance loves kids and wants kids at the ceremony and the reception. i need help i dont want kids at the reception!!!!

We had a child-free wedding except for my sister's child who has special needs and would require nursing care if away from parents. She was no trouble at all.

We sent invitations with names of those invited and essentially made it clear through family and friends that this was an adult oriented wedding.

Given how many times we have observed undisciplined children in the past, it was a no-brainer. As it was all guest said it was the best wedding they had ever attended! By the looks of it nobody left early to get home to their kids. :)

I definitely think it's the couple's preference, especially since it's such a cost to allow children and they only get nuggets or something like that. Also, I really enjoy the evening away from my little guy :)

As for wording, I just made invitations for a wedding and the bride had a fantastic idea to handle this.

For her RSVP cards there was also a line stating something like "___ seats have been reserved in your honor" In her case the RSVPs were personalized so there was no ___, but I think it's a great idea. You really can't get confused when you see that.

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I like getting invited to kid-free weddings, because as a parent I am much more able to enjoy myself. Course, kids at weddings can be really cute. And? I know I've seen more gasp-worthy behavior from drunk adults than I have from misbehaving kiddos.

What I'm finding more and more as I watch my sister plan her wedding (I've never been married) and after years of being in weddings as an attendant, is that people tend to make the couple's wedding about them. Sure, the people attending help make your day and bring gifts, but I'm not sure what happened to feeling honored about being included AT ALL on one of the most important days of a couple's lives. That is getting lost in this "me-first" attitude that seems so prevalent anymore. I understand, every time I receive a wedding invitation, that the couple has chosen to invite me to an expensive, often difficult-to-plan occasion, when guest lists cuts are common, and I appreciate it. I've heard people complain about the length of religious services, too, and any number of other issues they have with how a couple choose to celebrate their marriage. And I always say the same thing: vote with your feet. Don't go. But don't make it about you.

I don't have children. I am, however, kid-friendly in the extreme. My sister has chosen not to have kids at their reception because it is a formal evening event, and between the two families there are 60 kids. SIXTY. It just wasn't possible to include them all because of the price and space constraints. Liking children doesn't mean I want to spend four hours of dj time tripping over them while they dominate a dance floor (which tends to happen) or watch a three-year-old rip apart a bouquet. (I can hear the cries of "Child-hater!" now but I know PARENTS who don't want to deal with that either, I swear.) I've gone to weddings where that was the vibe and had a great time, but it wasn't my wedding. I was there to celebrate and support the couple, not judge their views on family and partying.

There has been some pushback at my sister about this and it's made me sad to see, particularly given how much she has supported others in their (mostly kid-free now, come to think of it) weddings. The people who have been cool about it have worked with her to secure on-site child care from people we know well if they have to bring their kids, and have said how excited they are to go to an adults-only party, if they don't.

I think people make too many harsh judgments about people who make this choice for themselves, on their wedding day. It does not mean anti-family or circle-of-life. It means it's a night-time party for grown-ups, and that's as far as it goes.

Laurie
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I had a child free wedding. My invites were addressed to "Mr. & Mrs." and I also told our parents that we were not having children so that "word" could kind of spread.

My husband's family was fine, my family - not so much.

My thinking was this - (1) We didn't have nieces/nephews at the time. So any children who were coming were distant family and friends. (2) I had this thing about going to weddings and watching the parents push their kids into pictures or special moments that should have been dedicated to the bride and groom. I didn't want to deal with that. (3) our venue had a swimming pool very close to where dinner was to be held. I know my family and they feel like weddings are their time to let the kids run wild. I didn't want a child drowning on my wedding day (selfish of me I know!). [note: one time at a wedding my brother & I "found" my cousin's daughter at the neighboring wedding when a guests said "do you recognize that little girl? she's been here a while and we don't know her."

My choice went over like a led balloon, with my family at least. But I got the wedding I wanted, so i didn't really care.

I think it should be the couple's choice and parents and invited guests can should either find child care OR don't go.

CroMom

You said exactly what I was thinking. A wedding is NOT a "performance" it's a celebration! If a baby cries, so what? The mother will hopefully move a little farther out of hearing...but even if not, who cares? My sense of humor is such that I'd crack up if I had to say my wedding vows over the howling of a baby. And kids bring such a wonderful fresh energy to the celebrations. It is a matter of personal preference, to be sure, and I respect that, but I find people who make it a point to say that kids are not welcome are usually having the stuffy type of affair I wouldn't enjoy anyhow. We didn't have kids at our wedding but not out of choice - we got married in the USVI on the beach with a small invitation list, out of which only ONE person had children that he chose to leave home due to the cost of flying them all down there. But I would have loved to have kids there - I wish my OWN kids could have been there but alas, they hadn't been born yet! :)

I surly agree that it's your choice. The plural, not the singular form of your. This was a big issue when my sons got married. Brides wanted no children, grooms said, 'what? a wedding without children? kids are what makes a wedding fun.'

I'm not about to argue the pros and cons, because I see both sides, especially the cost side. When my daughters got married, it wasn't an issue. Still, costs can be negotiated for children discounts.

Although it is your wedding, it's a party and the needs of the guests should be considered. You wouldn't plan a menu solely based on what the bride and groom like, would you? You want your guests to have a good time. In our case, excluding children would have been a hardship for guests, since most of the family were from out of town and if everyone came, well, no babysitters were left at home.

At any rate, my advice: do whatever works, but don't invite some kids and not others. Unless you don't care about hard feelings.

Adela

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We had a child-free wedding except for my husband's nephews. They are aged from 5-10 and were perfectly behaved during the ceremony and reception (we didn't even see them at the reception). We wanted to make sure we kept our guest count low because we could only fit 80 people in our chapel. Our RSVP list came to 78.

We sent outer and inner envelopers. The inner envelope stated the names of the people who were invited. We had a small blurb on our website about not inviting children and offering to help find baby sitters (no one took us up on it).

We did miss out on some of my family coming to the wedding b/c they had kids. We were OK with that, we had to be if we weren't going to invite them. I would never be offended if, someday when I have kids, someone does not invite our children to the wedding.

My Mom gave us a hard time about it for a while "Oh, wouldn't it be sweet for little Sarah to be there?" Well Mom, I don't KNOW little Sarah (met her once - a cousin's daughter) and since I don't know her, why do I need her at our wedding? That was our stance on it.

What an excellent idea!
Laura

La Vie Childfree http://lauracarroll.com ( http://lauracarroll.com/ )

I have seen that work but only if one is not followed by the other..as in where do the kids go during the ceremony if reception is to follow. But lots of couples do the ceremony on one day (e.g., smaller intimate) and the big party on another~

Laura

La Vie Childfree http://lauracarroll.com ( http://lauracarroll.com/ )

I had a child-free wedding (except for the children that were in the wedding and while it was perfect for us, we got a lot of crap for it.

Bottom line, I just don't think children belong at formal events. Plus, the venue we chose had limited space. We weren't going to remove adults from our guest list so that children could attend.

Also: if a person's name (child or otherwise) is not on an invitation, then that person is not invited. It's rude to assume otherwise.

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My wedding was child friendly. I have happy memories of dancing at people's weddings when I was little, and I loved watching the wee ones wiggle on the dance floor.

I am not offended, however, when people have a child-free wedding, especially the service itself. To each their own. Kids can be a disruption. To me, my wedding was about my family getting together and having a great time, so the kids were part of that. But others like to have more restrained fun.

If By Yes ( http://ifbyyes.wordpress.com )

I prefer childfree and did so at my wedding. I actually hired some of the girls from our church's youth group and had a nursery available at our church. I had cards printed up saying that nursery was available for children up to age 12. It was the best money I spent. It made the parents, guests, and me happy.

Sadly people nowadays do not know enough about etiquette to realize that not listing the kids' names on the envelope means they aren't invited. Some people ignore that anyway.

I think it is entirely up to the bridal couple. It is their wedding and their day BUT the bride does need to realize that some people will be offended. That some guests will not come due to lack of sitters, etc. She needs to make sure the word is spread verbally if she doesn't put it in writing. And accept that some people will bring their kids anyway (which is a whole different post).

Elizabeth

@texasebeth ( http://twitter.com/texasebeth )  and My Life, such as it is.... ( http://texasebeth.blogspot.com )

We had infants, but no children, so that the parents of very young kids didn't have to be without their babies. I didn't have a strong opinion about it, but Hubby didn't want kids running around since it was somewhat formal occasion.

Now, with kids, I honestly can say I wouldn't give a hoot one way or the other whether there were children or if we had a baby-free wedding.

We recently attended a friend's adults-only reception and I was so glad to be able to get a break from my 1-year old and 2-year old that I was glad they didn't invite children!

The Outlaw Mom ( http://www.theoutlawmom.com ) (also find me here ( http://www.lawyer-mom.com ))

Personally, I love the unpredictability children bring to weddings. Weddings aren't a performance, they're a celebration and ceremonial acknowledgment of the creation of a new family. And IMO, whether that new family plans to include children in life, or not, children are a great reminder that family life is often unpredictable!

The other thing brides & grooms need to remember is that it may be difficult or impossible for parents of young children to attend weddings without their children -- especially out of town weddings. Asking someone else, even grandparents, to take your kids for a whole weekend is a big deal. Nursing mothers have an especially difficult time, and if their babies are under 6 months old, I suspect will seldom agree to be apart overnight. Alternatives like trusting SitterCity or a hotel childcare reference to care for your kids in a strange city...takes a LOT of trust in humanity. And a deep pocket. And even a local wedding is going to cost a lot for sitters.

So -- if parents should not be offended to have offspring excluded, brides and grooms should also not be offended to have invitations declined.

Liza Barry-Kessler
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I wish all weddings were childfree. HA!

Seriously though, I've never been offended when we have received a no-kids-at-our-wedding invitation. Sometimes we can't go due to childcare issues on said wedding day (example, mother-in-law and my parents were both unavailable on one of the days, so we had to say we couldn't attend), but most of the time we've been able to make it work. It's a lovely night out for us as adults.

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

Childfree will def work sometimes and is a good idea. However those of us who have so many family members that do include their children in everything might very well get offended. I guess it's the chance you take.

How about no children at the wedding ceremony but maybe at the reception?

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I also think it is a matter of choice it also depends on the wedding, the guests, and the venue. People who are close to you should understand and value your choice. It is your day afterall you not theirs....

However, I do love to see children at weddings they brighten up the day:) And I always get such giggle watching them dance at the start of the evening!

Whether or not children are invited is completely up to the bride and groom. It is such a personal decision. I would not be insulted; it would be my choice to attend or not based on how I felt about the no-child rule. On a personal note, I love seeing children at weddings because for me they represent the cycle of life. However, I understand that not everyone feels as I do.

We're keeping our wedding "mostly child-free"--our nephews, my niece, and the breastfeeding infant of a bridesmaid are invited, but on our website's FAQ, I said:

"Will there be children?

Yes, a few: family & breastfeeding infants. Otherwise, we're encouraging people to get a babysitter so that they can take full advantage of the dance floor and libations--but if it's a choice between having you there or not, let us know so that we can add a child's meal to your RSVP form!"

So, we're hoping to keep the kids to a minimum, but our photog also said that kids and details are what really make different weddings' photos stand out from each other. Here's hoping that they stay fairly chill. :P