One Chinese Mother's Voice

We live in China and I found the book fascinating and also sad. I grieved over all the hours those girls were pouring over piano or violin and yet it seemed that very little time was being spent serving the community. It helped me to check my own parenting assumptions and also remind me that there is more to life than simply perfecting a skill for my children's own success. 

This lifts a secret chord like David played, and it pleased the Lord. I encourage others to consider your moving post at http://brokenhallelujah.org/2011/01/see-one-chinese-mothers-voice-on-blo... ( http://brokenhallelujah.org/2011/01/see-one-chinese-mothers-voice-on-blogher/ )

The hair on the back of my neck went up as I read Amy Chua's article. But, as disturbed as I was, I also found it thought-provoking. I have so many thoughts, but will share only two. First, as a parent and psychotherapist, I found the reminder to believe in our children's basic strength and resilience, to be helpful. I think that in our attempts to be "attuned and supportive" to our children, we can sometimes treat them as if they are fragile. Ultimately, this is not helpful to their sense of competence in the world. When our children are struggling, we can hold in mind and convey to them that we believe in their capacity to persevere and survive adversity. That is a real gift.

However, I really struggled with Ms. Chua's use of shame and humiliation to "motivate" her children. There is a difference between toughness and shame. And there is too much research out there on the destructive effects of shame to be argued with. I pity the child being raised this way who is just a normal kid, of average intelligence, and not-so-musically gifted. No matter how much they are shamed, they will not be a prodigy. How must those kids feel about themselves?

Thanks for posting this, Esther. I too was disturbed by Chua's article and reflected about my own thoughts towards Chinese parenting, since I agree with the hard work aspect but definitely not with calling your daughter "garbage" in front of everyone.

As for the argument regarding how Christianity teaches us to believe we're inherently incompetent, it may sound like an offensive idea to admit we're imperfect and fallen, a sinner, but wouldn't most people admit that humanity is fallible, with prejudices, anger, etc.? None of us are perfect, and I'm not better than anyone. I don't think that's the same as saying we're "incompetent."

We can discuss the other aspects of Christianity in private, if you like. Sorry for hijacking, hope this doesn't create a crazy comment thread.

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I'm very interested in hearing what people think of the book. Do you think you'll review it?

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

I appreciated some of the ideas expressed in Amy Chua's article (especially about the downfalls of "western" parenting) but this post is exactly what is needed as an antidote to the perfection expectations (not just hard work, but perfection). Jesus is enough!

Having lived through the strictest of Chinese parents, who produced an accomplished pianist who went to MIT at 16, I know the Asian parenting method well. I also live it as a parent. It is a mindset and cycle that is hard to break, whether or not it is superior. Part of me feels as though it is almost cruel, but then I see the joy that tenacity and accomplishment brings in both myself and my children.

But for those of us who are not religious, we can't fall back on the need for redemption. There must also be fulfillment from within, not a dependence on external accolades and standards.

Contributing editor Angela from mommy bytes ( http://www.mommybytes.com ).

PS I wrote a not-so-serious post a few months ago about Asian parenting here: http://www.mommybytes.com/2010/09/ive-discovered-asian-parenting-manual.... ( http://www.mommybytes.com/2010/09/ive-discovered-asian-parenting-manual.html )

The biggest problem with the "Chinese Mother" as Amy Chua describes her is not that she raises children who don't understand that they need Jesus.

Its that she raises children who become adults who believe that abuse = love. That they become people who will accept abuse so long as it is masked in love and will like abuse their children, perpetuating the cycle. Its just sick.

Mary a/k/a BarnMaven blogs at http://www.barnmaven.com about single parenting, living with ADHD, too many animals to count and dealing with ADHD/Bipolar kids.

came out like this in the WSJ article.

For what it's worth, I just got a copy of the book, and the part that was excerpted for the essay seems to the the setup for how over the top Chua's parenting style is.

However, I WAS raised with many similarities to that, and still feel the effects as an adult.

I saw the commentor who was offended at the religious overtones of this post, and I don't think it is a coincidence that Asian youth have been one of the largest growing segments of evangelical Christianity in the past few decades.

Grace Hwang Lynch blogs  at A Year (Almost) Without Shopping ( http://ayearalmostwithoutshopping.blogspot.com/ ) and ( http://hapamama.com )

As a Chinese American mother and a former student of Ethnic Studies in college, Amy Chua's article burns me on so many levels. All it does is continue to perpetuate Asian stereotypes. Many who AREN'T Asian may think, "What's wrong with a stereotype the perceives you as smart?" Well it's detrimental, as any stereotypes are, since I felt like I was the only stupid Asian in the world who was bad at math all my life. It easily gives kids a complex about an expectation that is based entirely on a stereotype around their race.

Second, the way Ms. Chua's article begins is hugely disturbing, attempting to "prescribe" a formula for how she did it. Like raising your kids is merely a checklist that you can mark off! As a mother, and especially an Asian American mother, this is so offensive.

I may have gripes about my parents like any other child, but contrary to many of the Asian parents Ms. Chua refers to, my parents placed love and a healthy outlook on life as their main priority in raising me and my brother, all while disciplining us and making sure we were able to "choose" our careers and lifepaths for ourselves.

Chinese children aren't robots that are merely manufactured into "model citizens". They're people, and like all children, are individuals with personalities and the desire to make decisions for themselves while seeking the direction and discipline of their parents. It's a delicate balance. Not a formula.

It may be culturally common for Asian parents to want their children to exceed expectations and overachieve, but I believe, as an Asian American parent, the mental and emotional well-being of my child is paramount, regardless of whether you want your child to be an overachiever or not. To elude that somehow, encouraging our children to be the best version of themselves is "wrong", counterproductive, or exclusive to ones race, is just plain ridiculous.

The little voice produces a person who can’t accept the fact that her competence comes in Christ alone. The little voice produces a person who can’t accept the fact that she needs a Rescuer.

Those teachings are worse than anything Amy Chua endorses. Setting aside the cognitive dissonance required to think Christian redemption is a positive thing when it flies contrary to any notions of justice most Christians actually espouse, it boggles my mind that you can type, without irony, that you want to teach your daughter that she is inherently incompetent and requires someone to rescue her from herself. In what way is that not screwed up?

Because life isn’t about pursuing perfection or achievement, but about pursuing the grace of God.

Are your daughters going to get a choice in that? Because your article sure doesn't make it sound like there are any valid life choices that don't involve belief in a deity. Your words, expressing the idea that the only purpose in life is serving your god, erase the existence of everyone who believes differently. I wouldn't feel the need to respond to this if you'd made that a personal statement, rather than a universal one.

"The cosmos is also within us. We are made of star stuff. We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."--Carl Sagan

I shared this with my sister and others who have children and several friends. Several of them had their children read it (older teens usually) to show them that however bad they thought they had it, they weren't treated like this by their parents! Some of the points she makes are good but so much of what she espouses and the WAY she does it is obnoxious! She's certainly getting a lot of publicity! OTT in my opinion!