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My son Leo is at his first-ever week-long camp for kids with special needs. He is thrilled to be there, and shrugged off my flurry of worried-mom departing hugs and kisses in favor of bouncing on his bed and holding hands with his aide: a young man who volunteered to spend his summer being a cheerleader, best friend, and 24/7 caregiver for kids who couldn't attend camp without 1:1 aides like him.
What an astounding young man. And even more amazing: the camp was overrun with kind, helpful, energetic young adults just like him, blazingly positive people dedicated to their campers having the best week ever ever ever.
Those camp aides & counselors are woven from the same fiber as Byrd and Melanie Billings, the Florida couple whose murder horrified the country twice over: first because of the murder itself, and then more so because they were the adoptive parents of twelve children, many of whom had special needs.
My son's aide and the Billingses chose to work with, live with, love kids like my son. Because I myself am not a terribly altruistic soul, I am fascinated by people who embody this kind of self-surpassing generosity of spirit. I wanted to know: Who are they, and what kind of journey or personality underlies their decision to include children with special needs in their lives?
So I asked one of them outright. TJ and his partner are the foster fathers of a teenage boy unrestricted by his multiple diagnoses. Here's what TJ had to say:
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SR: Tell us about your child.
TJ: JP, as I’ll call him, is a 16 year old deaf Pacific Islander who is very physically and theatrically talented, and clearly possessed of several kinds of intelligence. He has reached the national level in his chosen sport, and recently took over at the last minute as emcee for his school’s graduation program.
He also has some clinical diagnoses in addition to his deafness, including Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and attachment issues that are considered problematic but not enough for a diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder. These diagnoses come as no surprise, if the information I’ve gleaned from the professionals involved in his life is true; according to files, JP was abandoned by three sets of relatives (parents, grandparents, and aunt/uncle) before landing in the foster system. He was then placed with a foster family for six years, toward the end of which he was deemed "dangerous and disruptive" to the family.
SR: You chose to parent a child with special needs. Was this a conscious decision, or did you have a connection with your specific child?
TJ: Both…I have been a teacher at JP’s school since before he arrived, and have coached him in his sport since 2004. I served as his homeroom and math teacher, as well as his IEP care coordinator, when he first entered middle school, and then more recently served as his homeroom/science/study skills/Accelerated Reader teacher and IEP Care Coordinator as he entered high school (this was all scheduled prior to our being approached to become his foster father … this situation has been both a positive and a negative, for the both of us, as he and I were like white on rice 24/7 for the first several months of his life with us).
But I always had figured that, as a gay man who would likely parent children already born to someone else, I would probably be parenting deaf kids due to my rather specific background and skill sets.
SR: Tell us about some of the joys, large or small, that you hadn't anticipated.
TJ: Hands down, top joy was that he got us Father’s day cards and a gift. We did not expect that from a sixteen year-old who we had been counseled would likely think of us as "those guys I live with and who kinda help me out."
SR:
Can you tell us about some of the federal, state, and local guidelines that helped or hampered the process?
TJ: Well, we were actually approached by the state to foster JP, so we are a special case. We were told we would be "Child-Specific" foster parents, due to our prior relationship with JP. Regardless of this fact, we had plenty of hoops to jump through:
- We needed to get physical examinations and TB tests to prove we were physically fit enough to care for him.
- We had to take foster parenting classes before being licensed to take
