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Sparkle (1)
Before I explain how sick to my stomach I felt when reading Tweet after Tweet by women saying, in various ways, we should all stop bitching about Chris Brown, they'd let him beat them all night long, let me make my fondness for rough sex abundantly clear.
There are times when what I want is to just be held down and smacked around in a way that would make some people uncomfortable. There are also times when I want it to be sweet and gentle driven more by eye-contact than white knuckles. Hell, there are times when I want it outside, early in the morning, in the shower, or not at all. But I ALWAYS WANT IT with someone who respects me, treats me with love and kindness and would NEVER allow himself or anyone else to hurt me physically or emotionally.
Chris Brown may be the hottest male specimen on the planet, and it would not change the fact that Chris Brown was not having consensual rough sex with Rihanna when she landed in the hospital with injuries he delivered, or when cops were called and felony arrest warrants were issued to address physical and verbal threats that he made against Rihanna. That is domestic violence, not sex.
Confusing the two is dangerous. Excusing violence in the name of star-fucking, that's just disgusting. And what we saw in all those Tweets were a bunch of women spreading the social virus that allows domestic violence to continue because it allows men to think they can get away with it, if they find the right woman. Well, there are 25 of them, right there, but as fucked up as their perspectives may be, they do not deserve to be abused either.
And therein lies the rub. Just as some men are programmed to believe they can use violence to get what they want, some women are programmed to believe they are victims (or worse, that they aren't). We, as a society, have to reach out around both sides of this equation and change the message. We have to change the programming:
- Sex is not violence -- even when it involves chains and spankings. Sex is a consensual act between two adults that is performed with safety and respect. Abuse is the use of emotional or physical coercion to get something from someone without regard for consent, safety or dignity.
- No human being should be allowed to violate the dignity of another human being. Excusing it because of wealth, fame or a fine ass is perpetuating it and makes you as much a part of the problem as the abuser themselves. This is why we need a Zero Tolerance stance in society. We cannot scream about inequality and injustice while at the same time encouraging it amongst our "elite."
To all the men who read these Tweets and see Chris Brown as the justification for abusing, I issue the following warning: You are wrong. That is not strong or sexy, that is abuse. If you do it, you are an abuser, there is no confusion in the eyes of the law.
To the women who wrote those Tweets, it is a more complicated message.
- You are causing this problem. You are why men think that it's okay to treat women like this, and that those of us who stand strong to protect your safety and dignity are just uptight.
- You do not deserve to be treated in a way that puts your physical or emotional health at risk. If anyone is treating you in a way that makes you feel at risk, get help, now.
- You can have all the rough sex you want, but do it with a partner (or partners) who respect you and know how to play safely. It's okay. You can have rough sex without having a dangerous asshole for a partner.
Why am I so pissed about these Tweets? Because I am one of THOUSANDS of people in this country who volunteer in the hospitals, courts, social services, schools, churches and neighborhood meetings to protect abuse victims. People who have had their bodies and souls so broken by abuse that they actually can't tell the difference between love and violence. People who don't think they can protect themselves or their children from abuse, and so the cycle continues.
I know that a child who witnesses abuse is twice as likely to become an abuser as a child who doesn't. Considering the number of households that have both violence and multiple children,
