Closing Out A Chapter
This seems to have been a particularly challenging week (actually, month). I have lost it more this month than in the two prior ones. Sunday at church, while serving coffee, I had to duck down and clean my face so I wouldn't scare off the people just looking for a warm drink and a smile. And during worship, I just kept on crying. After church, one of the ladies in my life group gave me a bear she had made from a shirt and a pair of shorts which my husband had worn frequently - as in every week. I had forgotten giving them to her, and she took such effort to put little flaps on the legs and a pocket on the shirt - it was just overwhelming. That caused a bout of leaking eyes for two days. (Who am I kidding here - I'm still weeping!)
I realized on Monday that Sunday had marked three months since my world changed. Then later that morning, the poor girl at the vet's office had no idea that one of the dates she mentioned for booster vaccines was my wedding anniversary. And today. Well. 30 years ago today, I met my husband and we were nearly inseparable from that point. 30 years. Is it any wonder that I don't know who I am?
I am having to discover who I am apart from him. I thank God that he was prudent enough to allow me the luxury of time, without having to rush out and find a job to pay the bills and put gas in the car. I am not saying I won't have to work, because I am still studying for the four licenses. This whole season of waiting is SO not what I want to do, but I am learning much more than just financial principles. I am learning to trust my Father for His plans and provision for me. And if He can create this universe, He can certainly look after me.
I find it quite ironic that two years ago I ministered to my sister in her loss and spoke so glibly of a new chapter in her life. Now it's a new one for me. So as I sit here and listen to the first few volleys of my neighbors' greetings to the new year, I give myself permission to grieve and mourn the death of not only my husband, but the plans we made that will not happen. We will not go to New Zealand, but I might. We will not get a grandfather clock or a king sized bed or an Airedale. But I will trust in my Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart, and in the fullness of time I will join my husband and there will be no more weeping. And He has more for me than I can even imagine.
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