- Share This Post
- submit
- 0
-
Sparkle (0)
Ouch.
Did the heading of this post make you cringe? Maybe piss you off a little?
It's not about you. It's almost as hard to say those words to someone as it is to be on the receiving end of them. Consider it CoParenting 101's tough-love catchphrase.
We can talk about righteous anger, pain, andd disappointment in the
wake of divorce or separation, and we can talk about healing. But at
the end of the day, when children are involved, there comes a time when
we have to sacrifice for them, in the midst of our grown-up sorrows. In
"Healing Hurting Hearts", author Susan McKenna describes this struggle:
Adults need to basically split into two people. One of those personalities has to work on getting through the adult stages of divorce, which include anger, self pity and depression, as well as rebuilding their self image and finding out that they can be, as a single person again. That can be very grueling and emotional; however, if children are involved, it is even more difficult. A second personality has to be concerned with the total needs of the child. When children are part of the divorce, it can either be a motivator to get back on track or a roadblock. [emphasis mine]
Meeting
your own needs in the wake of divorce or separation while also meeting
those of your kids is a tremendous, heart-breaking challenging,
particularly in the early aftermath, though some parents never move
past the grief and anger. Maybe this is why some parents conflate the
two sets of needs. If I'm mad at Mommy, you should be too. If I
can't stand to look at Daddy, then I'm going to minimize his visitation
or keep him from seeing you altogether.
Most parents don't articulate these thoughts outright (though some
do), but their behavior speaks volumes. Some are so mired in their own
"stuff", that they don't even think about their kids' emotional needs
and feelings about the divorce at all, much less about the fact that
these needs and feelings are separate and perhaps very different from
their own. If a child is being told that she can't see Daddy because
Mommy is mad at Daddy because of the divorce, I can imagine the child
thinking, "But Mom...it's not about you."
So, yes, co-parenting after divorce or separation--parenting,
functioning, staying sane, all of it--is a challenge. But it's not an
insurmountable one.
How does a parent face this challenge and emerge whole and present for his children?
According to the old adage, time heals all wounds. But when it comes to
co-parenting, that's only part of the story. Today, I was talking to a
friend about a nasty post-divorce situation involving someone I know.
My friend said, "Well, it will get better with time. She'll come around
and move on." But over several years of talking to people about theirs
and others' post-divorce realities, I've witnessed case after case
where time--not even a decades, in a few instances--does not in fact
heal all wounds. Co-parenting successfully after divorce requires loving your child more than you hate your ex and demonstrating that love by honoring your child's relationship with the other parent as sacred.
It requires, for example, a conscious decision to stop worrying
about if your acting civil and respectful toward your ex for your
child's sake is "letting him off the hook" for all the bad things he
did in the marriage. You can't commit to honoring your child's
relationship with the other parent and commit to punishing that parent forever, at the same time. Guess which "commitment" has to go.
Co-parenting successfully requires consistent effort (Rome wasn't
built in a day) and a conscious decision to put your child's needs
first. Time helps a lot, but not in the absence of two dedicated
parents who realize that it's not about them.
But what if you're trying to co-parent--as we know many of you are--with someone who is acting like a complete jerk?
We're working on "form letters" of sorts that you can use to try and
build a bridge with your difficult co-parent. Think of it as mad-libs
for the co-parenting set--sans the humor. Stay tuned...
In the meantime, you can read the rest of Susan McKenna's excellent advice here.
Housekeeping note: Don't want to keep checking and checking to
see if a new post is up at CoParenting101? Subscribe to the "Full" feed
(see home page at top left), and you'll receive notification via a feed
provider such as RSS, Yahoo, or Google.
