Confession: Sometimes I Have No Clue About My Marriage

Sometimes I have no idea what I am doing in this marriage. I have been with my husband for over 7 years, married for less than one year, and this first year of marriage is totally kicking my ass. I thought that after so long, it would be fairly easy... that we would just continue on in the trend that we had established. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. 

I don't know why I had this impression that marriage wouldn't change things for us; that saying, "it's just a piece of paper" comes to mind. The simplicity of this statement is misleading. It's so easy to say that it's just a piece of paper before you sign it, but after you sign it, that little piece of paper does change things fundamentally. Or at least I feel it did for us. The first few months, well, I came really close to regretting the decision altogether. I felt "stuck." 

Right off the bat, all these people started asking us when we were going to have children, which I found strange and entirely unsettling. Then, the realization of how big and important this decision of having children really was left me feeling so daunted that I outright rejected the notion. I don't want children, I thought to myself. And I it thought it aloud too. This quickly became a point of contention between my husband and I, who had (loosely) agreed to at least one child pre-marriage. 

The gravity of the situation was so heavy, I felt compelled to author an entire book on the subject, The Child Question, which I am now in the process of trying to publish. So those were the first contentious months of marriage. Now, I am left with what happens after you get through that... which is no more comforting to me that the last several months. I still don't know what the hell I am doing. And it frustrates me. 

I know that many married couples probably fight... don't they? Just because we got married doesn't mean that we have worked out all the little things that give us pause, annoy us, or just generally come up in life. But the older I get, the more I wonder about my willingness to hang with it all... like the fact that sometimes my husband acts like a child. Like the fact that sometimes, despite my best efforts, I totally lose it. 

And does it really matter at all? I think to myself about this, often. I mean, no one else is here to see or hear the fights we have. No matter how petty they are, no one is judging us, unless, of course, we decide to open our goings-on for others to judge. There are no children. There are no roommates. There is no one but us. As long as we are making the choices, just between the two of us, does it really matter as long as we work it out in the end?  

What I have learned, so far, is that sometimes I have no idea what I am doing... sometimes I am wrong. Sometimes he is wrong. At times we both go to bed angry and stay angry for hours (okay, fine...days). Sometimes I think that I may leave, and yet I don't. Sometimes I think that these are growing pains, and I chalk it up to my lack of marital experience. I think maybe neither one of us has fully come to grips with the fact that we are, in fact, married. Sometimes I yell at him and I say, "is that really the best way to approach to the person you are attached to for life?!" And then I realize that it is much easier to yell your ideal than to actually follow it. 

Whatever the case may be, I am still fully committed.... in the literal sense... to this marriage; sometimes, I am committed as if I am in a mental institution, and other times like I am crazy in love, depending on the day. Can I call it a healthy relationship? Sure... healthy in the sense that a Bloody Mary is the healthiest alcoholic beverage you can drink. (Other times, maybe it's a V8.) Either way, I have to sometimes admit that I don't always have a handle on what I am doing, and yes, it makes me uncomfortable. 


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