Confessions of A Pastor's Wife

Something that should be so easy and less complicated at times is anything but, "The Truth". In the life of 'ministry' after a while it seems to be easier to hold up that fake mask (like the life of a politician). My Grandmother would tell me as a child growing up "eventually the person who holds up their fake mask will get tired, and it is then the truth will be revealed." Now that I'm older, being married and in ministry for over a quarter of a century, the truth of her statement seems to weigh heavier on me now more than ever. Of course there are two sides to every story however, but when there is only one side that is willing to go to counseling or reach out for help, what else is there for the wife to do, except suffer in silence. This is the way of old for women who choose to be honorable and cover their husband's behavior no matter how ungodly. But as for me at the end of the day I now I have stand and give of account of my stewardship here on this earth. If only more women/wives would choose transparency they will find that the liberty out weighs the pain as you fight for your healing and wholeness in Christ as well as helping others get the support and courage they need to strengthen their marriage which in turn will strengthen the ministry that The Lord has given them. I applaud you for your willingness to reach out in this unconventional method of cyberspace and minister to a host of multitude of silent suffering ministers' wives whom you will never meet. Let us be found interceding for this critical part of the Body of Christ that is so wounded. The enemy would love to keep our marriages divided so that he can come in to steal, kill, and destroy. Let's pick up our weapons of warfare and take back what rightfully belongs to us! If there is anyone who is willing to fast and pray for ministers' wives please let me know.

Since being called into the minstry ~3 years ago, I have been very cognitive of the very things that you minster wives are going through. I make it a point to spend quality time with my family, especially my wife. We even take Sundays off at least 1/2 dozen times a year. Whenever I'm minstering I am sure to acknowledge my wife. The list goes on and on.

But to my dismay, she stills feels like I care for the CHurch and the individuals more than I do her and the children. I'm sure this is not the case with you ladies, but I just wanted to interject the other side of the coin.

Please help with sugggestions...Be Blessed

I've been a youth pastor's wife since I married my husband 6 years ago.  We've been at three different churches and the one we're at now I feel very uncomfortable with.  I know I've been gossiped about, people give me wierd looks all the time.  We live far away from any family and I don't know many people outside our church, that I'm trying to change.  Even though my husband tries to spend all the time with us that he can, the pressure is getting to me and our marraige.  I cry uncontrollably, which is not acceptable since I have two kids.  I feel that if I tell people what's really going on I'll just be gossiped about more and I'll put my husband's job in jeopardy.  The silence is the hardest thing to deal with.  The elders are having a meeting tonight and even though it's goes against my better judgement, I've asked my husband if we can skip youth group to ask the elders for prayer.  I expect more wierd looks from people but that's better than keeping my mouth shut forever.

Thank you so much for sharing.  Yesterday was my 29th birthday and one of the worst days I've had.  I've been crying the whole morning.  I hate computers and I'm so desperate to share that this will be the first time I've ever blogged.  It's so comforting to know that I'm not alone.

First let me congratulate you for your blog. It takes so much courage to let others know that a pastor and his wife are not the perfect people they expect them to be. We (I am a pastor's wife,too) are sinful, evil human beings in need of a savior. We need correction, rebuke and to be taught from the Scriptures in the proper context just like the next person in the church pew. We can be seemingly in love with God and his calling like your husband is but we can also be deceived by our priorities. Your husband should know that his relatioship with God comes first but his relationship with you comes next. I get into marriage ruts myself but I have not found any stronger solution than prayer and reading the bible. Please find a biblical counselor in your area. Your husband might have impressive counseling credentails but I am not sure if he is trained to counsel biblically. There are are counselors and there are a lot more counselors but there are very few who counsel solely from Scripture and godly wisdom.

As Christians, we cannot allow ourselves to perceive marriage as the world views it. We are tasked to do some responsibilities which might prove difficult to us taking into consideration our personality and status in life. I also do not discount one lady's view of allowing your husband to realize your importance after an unplanned trip by yourself or with the kids. Sometimes, you need the space to enable you to communicate your thoughts better in a letter or an email without the uncluttered thoughts of a confrontational argument. 

If your husband is amenable go through the book Strengthening Your Marriage by Wayne Mack. a respected author in the field of biblical counseling.

Until then my thoughts and prayers will be with the silent voice of the hurting pastor's wives 

...I might sound like your husband.

I'm not a pastor's wife, but I'm so sorry you're going through this.  My father was a deacon and a pillar of my family's church, and when he left my mother for another woman, after all the dust had cleared, somehow it became my mother's fault.  

All I can say is: whether your marriage remains intact or not,  you need to have equal control of your family's finances.  Maybe in your church the man is expected to be the head of the family and control the pocketbook--that's something I thoroughly disagree with, but see how it could work if the man is an active, loving husband and father.

The reality for you, though, is that if he's not going to be involved in family life and expects you to carry most of that burden yourself, you need to be able to write checks and buy groceries. (!!!)  And if you *are* planning to leave, you need to figure out how to protect yourself and the children before you make your intentions known.  If he is as beloved by the congregation as you are describing, things are going to get ugly--you'll need to be prepared and build up your own external support system.  I wish you all the best.

I was once in your situation.  When my husband first started in the ministry 5 years ago, (after already haven been married for 10 years) it was all he thought about.  I was just something that had been checked off his list a long time ago. The kids and the household were my resposibility and I stayed home with them while he did all the things that had to be done for the ministry.  I figured if that was his life I would live mine.  I started going to the gym and taking care of myself for me!! Guess he figured I was happy as long as he was happy. 

 I will give you a brief history for context.  We married out of highschool. He was in the Army and after he got out we went to college and I frankly am and always have been spoiled.  A pastor once told him if he was going to be in the ministry I was going to be the one who was going to have a hard time with it and he had better talk to me about it first as I am very jealous of his time.  Boy, did that guy peg me right!!  I was already having issues when he was just a youth pastor part-time a few years before he became a pastor.

I had decided at one point that it was over. I told him that I didn't think he loved me and that I was the other woman.  I got whatever was left over after his 40+ hour a week job and his ministry.  I left the kids with him and went back to California to stay with my sister.  Well that got his attention!  The congregation knew nothing of all this other then that I was going to visit my sister for a little r&r.  He spent those days praying (I would find out later) and reading a book called "Love life for every married couple."  I believe the authors last name is Wheat, not sure as our copy is lent out right now.  He would go on to tell me that that book changed him.  Now I am not recommending this book for your husband but for you.  I was the one who was unwilling to communicate at this point and was not wanting to save our marriage.  I am assuming you are hoping to save your marriage.  

I have issues with your husband such as, the bible says "to live with your wife with understanding."  Also he is not supposed to be keeping himself from you sexually but by this time you might be grateful that he is.  Who wants to have sex with someone who is unattentive at the least and cruel at the most. 

 I will gladly exchange email with you and help in any way I can, I also have some books I can recommend for you and Lord willing eventually him.  I am now happily married but it has taken about 2-3 years to fix the mess.    

 Pushing His grace!

~N

I was a pastor's daughter, and have been a minister's wife for almost 13 years now.

You need to fight for what your marriage should be, and what it is has nothing to do with what scripture says it should look like. Your husband is being sinful in his marriage.  He is being sinful in the way he puts his congregation in front of his family. Being submissive does not mean you should enable him in his sin.  

That means that YOU can go to counseling.  You need it.  You deserve it.  Do you have a state convention that works with your denomination?  Is there another minister in town that you could go to?  You don't have to spend money.  You just need to be reaching out for help.

Insist on it.  Your husband will not want it.  Do it any way.  He'll resist.  Do it any way.  He will be prideful.  Do it any way.

Not everyone will understand, and that's okay.  No matter what the outcome, you have worked on you, and you have found peace. We are the worst at taking our own advice.  What would you say to a woman in your congregation that was going through the same thing.

Now, while you're at it, also provide your husband a safe place to land.  There is always a chance that he will admit to his faults.  There is always a chance that he will let God transform him back to where he should be.  If he starts moving in that direction, make sure you are ready to allow him to do so.  Doesn't mean you'll be doing cartwheels, but it does mean that you have found enough healing for yourself that you can allow him the same ... with some healthy boundaries.

You owe it to your God.  You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your children.

Hang in there.  Keep speaking out, so that women realize that being called to ministry doesn't mean being called to silencing our struggles and pain.

Christine

www.welcometomybrain.net ( http://www.welcometomybrain.net )

I just wanted you know I completely understand what you are going thru. I was married to a elder in our congregation.I was married to  this man for 24 yrs. I finally got strong enough to move on. It was the best thing I ever did in my life. We were the perfect family on the outside when I finally left it shocked the whole congregation. I was of course the wicked one the devil got to me as everyone believed. It was hard because everyone put him on a pedestal and no one beieved how life really was for me.