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I recently responded to a post over at Irene’s Daughters. Cayce writes about going home for the holidays and encountering some not-so-savory comments from family members:
For me, it’s not just limited to participating in activities where people will remember to thank God for the bounty of America, while ignoring the past and present pain our riches have cost others. We never neglect to give thanks for the troops, but often forget all those civilians killed in the crossfighting.
It’s also the fact that in many of these family gatherings, there will be open use of racial slurs, or stereotypes. Because ours is a white family, we are a meeting of “us” that can launch into conversations about “them.” Do I confront these things? Make passive-aggressive sarcastic comments (as I’m prone to do)? Should I make a scene or let these things pass knowing that this will be my children’s only exposure to most of the folks for a whole year, and my husband and I can clean up the mess later?
My response:
I understand where you’re coming from, I am the only anti-racist in my white family as well. I understand why you’d want to wait until after the gathering and fully explain to your kids that what Grandpa Joe said was racist and unacceptable. However, there’s a few things to keep in mind with that method.
First, let me tell you a short story. One time, I was visiting my spouse’s family in Florida. We were on the beach, and my spouse’s father was grilling while the rest of us sat at the picnic table nearby. While he was grilling, he began to make fun of the Asian family at the next picnic table. He made little “ching chong” noises and contorted his face to make it look Asian. He thought he was being really funny. But after a few minutes, I spoke up and said, “You know, Gary, it’s rude to make fun of people. They didn’t do anything to deserve that.” He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, and how dare I disagree with his racist behavior? Things were tense for a while, but after that Gary knew he couldn’t act that way around me. And maybe, just maybe he changed the way he behaved around other people, too.
Letting the racial slurs pass will signify to your kids that they should not stand up against discrimination, but rather let the person be hateful all they want and silently disagree. I think this is a huge problem with many white families. We feel like it’s not our place to say something when we hear a racial slur; we feel like we have to be polite and accepting of other people’s opinions, even if they are hateful. It should not be this way. For too long, we have convinced ourselves that we will “clean up the mess” later, as you put it. How much later? Two days? Or two hundred years? We have the power to call attention to hateful words and we should use it. Because if we do nothing to stop hateful words, those words turn into hateful actions.
I know it is uncomfortable to be seen as confrontational, especially around your family during the holidays. But if your main focus is on your kids, then I think a constructive comment would sound like this: “Grandpa Joe, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t use that kind of language around my kids.” You are not attacking them personally or making a scene, and you send the signal that their words are unacceptable to you. If he asks why, tell him that you are teaching your kids that all people, regardless of culture, religion, or skin
