Confused about getting married
By jackieB on February 03, 2010
Marriage. What a loaded word, and concept. Little girls are raised to think it is the ultimate goal in life. My High School "Life and Society" class was based mostly on a final project of planning your wedding by cutting pictures out of magazines of the perfect dress, perfect place, perfect tux, etc. I was raised that one stays a virgin until one becomes married. Too bad for everyone around me that it didn't seem to take. In my first long term relationship (6 yrs) I thought we would be married at some point. I am very thankful I came to my senses and not only did not become married, but dissolved the whole relationship and pursued another with a person I love more than I thought possible. He makes me smile when he walks in the room, even after almost 6 years together. We have the same beliefs and values and can discuss them in ways that allow us to think and develop our ideas. And as an Anarchist who does not believe that any government should ever rule over any person, and a Feminist who believes that Patriarchy is responsible for many problems world wide, I have rejected the idea of marriage entirely. 1. Divorce happens. People change over time and when 2 people actually change in sinc with each other in ways that keep them both happy, it is rare. There is nothing cuter than an old couple totally in love with each other. But to decree that it must be so when one is young is ludicrious. 2. I am not a monogamist. Humans are sexual beings and even though I haven't pursued anyone lately (or been pursued) I refuse to feel guilty, or make my partner feel guilty because of sexual attraction. Honesty is better, and sometimes you just honestly want to f--- someone, and it doesn't change how you feel about your partner. 3. My relationship is mine. I don't want the government involved. I don't want some societal stamp of approval that says it is now ok for us too live together (which we do already) and have children. I don't want my family thinking I have finally decided to fit into the box they designed for me. 4. Legally binding is not romantic or loving or special. I love my relationship just like it is right now. I don't want it to change, nor do I want the people around me to feel that some monumental thing has happened which now makes my relationship valid. That would invalidate the last 6 wonderful years together and make them somehow lesser.
So it seems I feel pretty confident in my beliefs on marriage. The problem? My love is a citizen of another country and we have decided to move to his home to start the next stage of our life together, and hopefully start a family. I am incredibly excited and happy about this and to me this is all the commitment I need. But since I will not be working and he will, it is impossible for me to go with him as anything other than a spouse. Not to mention the insane tax burden placed on singles there (an extra 10% of wages!!!). So we must become legally married. Am I a sell out? Have I become a conformist?
And I can't tell my mother. She will be excited about it. too excited. And I think of it as legal paperwork, like my visa application.If it was up to me, no one would even know.
He told his family, and his mom is upset that we aren't excited about it. This coming from a woman who was married 4 months before her daughter was born. And now he seems confused and I am about to compromise and pretend its important to me but it feels like a lie. And I feel that I have have completely lost sight of my beliefs.
Will I still be me if I am Mrs. Him???